Author Topic: My Story Another MLC 5 years later ?  (Read 283 times)

Offline intime2018Topic starter

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My Story Another MLC 5 years later ?
« on: April 16, 2018, 08:26:02 AM »
Here is my story. Sorry it mostly emotional jebrish and I am not native English speaker. I hope I can get some support here

We are together for 18 years as 2018, married for 12. She was 18, I was 21
I am 39
W – 35
D – 7
My wife had a book case MLC is 2013 She turned 30 and I think this is what triggered it , I know it’s a little early , but we started early , 2 kids , both financially independent , basically we do not need each other income to have same standards of living , even though we always had shared accounts . Reason, I am describing this – I think she sort of reached all midlife goals by 30, including well paid professional job.

I found out about 9 month into it, she dropped the bomb. I looked back and it became clear what was going on. I hacked her electronic devices and there it was – multiple affairs plus EA. She also partied with her friends till the morning , she told me 'I love you but I am not in love  , Kids were like 2 and 6 back in a day , she would get upset at them in a morning after her parting , felt exhausted I guess .  I read here about boundaries, don’t remember exactly, it’s almost 5 years. I think I set boundaries not to go out, she did anyways.

Eventually, I packed her things and moved them to other house and said : "you can’t comeback, until you fix yourself – it’s not good for me and kids"  I am being naturally depressed, low and behold she came back 3 days later, crying and asking for forgiveness. Of courses I let her back in (maybe I should have not). In mean time, I improved myself somewhat, she had some valid points when she hated me. I think I got here somewhere replay phase. I took her back on condition that she has to stop all communication with her “new” friends , disconnected txt message ,social media – she did all of it . Initially, she opened other email and got burned phone to keep communication, but once I was on it, I found out 2 days later .Took her about a month, she tried to go back – but eventually I, want to say in about 2-3 month , she became her old self: caring, taking care of kids.
I improved as well, provided her with more attention, our marriage became even better or so I felt. Of course I would bring her affair, first once every week, once every month then maybe once  a year .But in about 2 years it completely stopped bothering me. I guess I've forgiven.

She also, started traveling by herself 2/3 times a year to Europe ,Asia, Cuba ,etc  She always wanted to travel world with backpack, but it never happened – so this was our solution sort of, even though I never liked it . I tried to be accommodating to her needs, I suppose. We also took 1 vacation/year together and 1 with kids. Most of her vacations were short 3-5 days . So, I suppose I had my wife and family back and everyone was happy .

2108 –

She goes on the trip to Asia with 2 of her girlfriends. One gf is divorced from abusive guy, another never married. Both GF are engaged and are getting married in next few month. I don’t think they encouraged something stupid.

She came back from the trip and was very persistent we have a 3rd child. Two other gf – are pregnant with 3rd child. She almost begged me to have another child couple of month ago (2 -3 years ago, she was constantly telling me how she does not want kids any more – new kids). I said I am done with kids and I happy where I am.

Couple of weeks before her 35 birthday, she tells me how she is scared and feels old (same as she was saying in 2013). I tried to listen and tell her obvious, we all get old, you look like you are 25 (she really does).  I can see: she feels like she is old, ugly , failure .. What ever

Low and behold, she drops another bump last week. I want ‘divorce’ I am not happy. I did not ask about Affairs, I did hacked her phone again , she just was telling her gf – how she does not love me long time and how great I am and she is getting divorce . Emotions were running high again, I filed  divorce papers , but did not sign yet  , just dropped it on my desk , did not even tell her  , just had them on my desk . She took a picture to send it to her gf .

She asked me to be nice with kids and hope we can have quite divorce, she did not requested anything she in not entitled to. I told her I want to get out ASAP.. She said we should wait till end of the May ,  when school year is over, because we should minimize impact on kids. I told her she can stay in house with kids .  I did not asked about her reasons, but she did mention that I am “almost perfect”, none of it is my fault and I am her best friend, but she got to move forward.
Forgot to mention she cheated 2 times before her MLC (2 year into relationship and 4 year into relationship).

Of course I am depressed have these questions on my mind 24/7 . Please provide some advice from outside.

Do I wait till May or do I check out now? Pain is great to stay home

Some friends said I should let her file divorce papers?

Is she back to MLC or is it Running Wife ?

I have a strong desire to move out, go through my pain and start living new life, but I am still emotionally chained to her.
My mine tells me, its over – it for the best in long run. My emotions tell me otherwise.

Is she back to MLC because I sort of pulled her out of replay? Even though she mentioned many times throughout last 5 years that when she was going out in 2013 -she felt even worse about herself.  She does not go out now.

She did start emotionally withdrawing since she came from that trip. About 2 month ago .

Should I stay home in separate bedroom ? It feels awkward and painful  , she still wants to intimacy (with some fantasies) , she cried - I am not sure why she cried though

« Last Edit: April 16, 2018, 09:33:36 AM by intime2018 »

Online OldPilot

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Re: Another MLC 5 years later ?
« Reply #1 on: April 16, 2018, 08:32:21 AM »
Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.

Developing Detachment

Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

Offline Thunder

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Re: Another MLC 5 years later ?
« Reply #2 on: April 16, 2018, 09:04:30 AM »

It's hard to know whether your W is in  MLC or not.  She is quite young.

My first impression, while reading your story was, she seemed to be a serial cheater.  She had many affairs, not just one day found a OM and thought she was in love.  So some of her personality really didn't change.

I guess at this point it really doesn't matter, she wants a divorce.  Now we usually recommend the LBS not do the filing or have anything to do with it (except protect yourself, financially).
If they are the ones who want out, they should be the one to file, and the one to move out.
Why should you have to disrupt your life?  Or your children's life.

Maybe it would be best for the kids to stay in the house with you.  You sound more like the best parent for them to be with right now.
Their going to need your support.

I'm really sorry you are in this mess she made, but don't blame yourself.  You are not the reason she wants a divorce.
Fighting her will only make her angry.  If she wants to file, she will.  I wouldn't even discuss it with her.

You just try to concentrate on you and the kids.  Take you're focus off her as much as you can.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline intime2018Topic starter

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Re: Another MLC 5 years later ?
« Reply #3 on: April 16, 2018, 09:43:30 AM »
Yes , it is hard to tell

But It was very easy to tell in 2013 .
 - she had total 180 personality change
 - new friends , EA , SA
- She wanted to run away from home .

None of it now , at least she is no talking about it . Definitely no partying . She told my friends wife that she is not happy and was looking to divorce me for long time . Could she really have all this hate in her for so long ?

It all sounds like a replay . I thought it took her 3 month to come out of MLC  after replay . Which is too short and does not make sense .

As of now - the only aspect of MLC I can see, is that she feels completely worthless and wants divorce. Could she comeback 5 years later ? Is anything else I can look for to "diagnose" her MLC   

Offline Thunder

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Re: Another MLC 5 years later ?
« Reply #4 on: April 16, 2018, 09:51:42 AM »
It's hard to say.  It may be that she is just in a different stage of reply.  She did all the partying and got that out of her system, now it may be more the depression stage.

Which can mean she still has a ways to go.  It doesn't sound like she hates you, she just feels unhappy right now and thinks a D will cure that.  It won't but she'll need to find that out for herself.

Have you read the stages of MLC?
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline 31andcounting

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Re: Another MLC 5 years later ?
« Reply #5 on: April 16, 2018, 11:41:42 AM »
Hi intime and welcome!!

No way to know yet if this is another or completion of crisis!  Only time will tell that!

All I can tell you my H had a crisis at the age of 30 also.  We were married very young too, highschool sweethearts. We had children young.  We divorced, I filed and he gave me full custody and he had visitation.  Within 1 year of all that he returned wanting me and our family again.  Said he was wrong, he felt like he was missing something but now knew it wasn't because of me or our family. We lived like a normal loving family (or so I thought)
20 years later I had another BD thrown at me. He wanted to leave again.
Several A's and EA had been going on....
My H had a lot of childhood issues that at the time I was unaware of.  I know all of it now.

We have been reconciled just under 5 years.  This past crisis took about 7 years to complete.  I refer to the first time as his 1/4 life crisis, not sure that is real but I know if happened!
You have found a good place with a lot of wonderful supportive people.  keep writing and sharing if you can!
Hurting people hurt people :(


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