Author Topic: My Story Maybe the beginning of the end  (Read 3122 times)

Offline islandgirl68Topic starter

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My Story Maybe the beginning of the end
« on: April 19, 2018, 11:42:54 AM »
Yesterday I felt OK. H kept pestering me, asking what's wrong. H wanted to talk. I didn't and I should have known better than to open my mouth. I reiterated everything I have said before. I said "there is nothing more to say. I've told you how I feel and you keep initiating these talks thinking I've changed my mind."

H asked "So what do you want me to do?" I told H, "This whole time I have left it up to you to make the decision on whether to continue a 'friendship' with OW. You know how it hurts me right now. I am not going to tell you what to do. Do what you want." H said that he feels no matter what he does he's the 'bad guy'. I said there is no 'bad guy'. I told H, "I'm just more confused that if you say you know it hurts me, why do you continue to do it? Are you even trying to repair our relationship? Because continuing to talk to OW isn't helping." H tried to paint OW as remorseful, that she respected me...and more blah blah. (I honestly stopped listening.) I just said bull$h!t, I don't want to hear it. Respect would be to stay the hell away. I told H you may not remember, but OW didn't suddenly have amnesia ??? So OW can just shove it up her a$$. (I got really angry that H even would try to make her out to be innocent and caring >:( ) (BTW wish there was a barf emoji)

H asked if I showed anyone else the messages between H and OW, especially my family. I said no because I didn't want them to hate him. I wanted to, but I knew if I did they would never forgive H. H asked why I kept it. I said I don't know. I still don't know. It was like some kind of sick torture I put myself through. I did delete it at least 3 times, but it must be stuck in the cloud because when I reset my phone it comes back. I deleted it from my cloud too :o I finally realized I have google pics and amazon prime photo that backs up all my pictures as well. I thought I deleted them from both but neglected the prime account which up until recently I forgot I had. H of course thinks I'm lying, that I kept it to use against him. ???

I guess I struck a nerve at some point, I don't remember what I said because H mini-monstered and said, "no matter what I do, I am not good enough for you! You keep holding something over my head that I don't remember. Once I start my new job, I'll pay for the divorce, I'll do the paperwork." H knew saying this would hurt me and get a reaction from me and I fell into it. We were at S17 baseball game. I didn't want to cry in front of everyone so I grabbed my bag and began walking to the car. H said to me that I was just running away again. I turned around and said "You don't get to say that to me H. I don't have anything more to say."

I sat in the car with D3 and cried for a good 5 minutes. H called and demanded I come back. I told him give me a minute. I went back and H asked "Do you want us? Are we even going to work?" I just said "I do. I'm tired of OW continuing to be the only thing driving a wedge between us and you don't see why. I'm done talking about this. I keep telling you how I feel, but in the end I feel like it doesn't matter. I don't have anything else to say."

We didn't talk anymore even when we got home. We just held each other when we went to bed. I still feel hurt, but I'm not going to discuss OW anymore. I'm done with it all. I'm feeling disconnected with H right now. I feel myself pulling away, even when I don't mean to. I find myself having to force conversation with H. I find myself reminding me to hug and kiss H. I feel like I'm forcing my love to come to surface because I feel it deep down, but I am burying it protect my heart. I don't want to push H away to OW. It is something I recognize I am doing and it is something I am working on.

I was able to forgive and let go the previous OW from when we were in our 20s. H allowed me time to heal. I know eventually I would with this OW. I felt it happening naturally. I was at the point where it didn't bother me when I saw her. BUT H just wants to shove her down my throat. I told H "I'M NOT READY. YOU MAY FEEL LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED, BUT I REMEMBER EVERYTHING AND IT STILL FRICKEN HURTS." I have said it to H repeatedly since I found out he was talking to OW again, but he only hears what he wants.

I actually don't hate OW. I hate that she is a trigger for me. Seeing OW brings back the feelings of hurt, of betrayal. It was going away slowly, but with H and her talking it is all the time that I feel that way. I hate that kind of power that OW has over me. I think its because I promised myself I would never let anyone have that kind of power over me after what happened to me as a child. I promised myself no one would have the power to make me feel like I don't matter. I have told H this. He said he understood, but he doesn't or he doesn't care.

Link to previous thread: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9569.0;all
Me: 33
H: 36
S17; D10; D7; D3
Together 18 years, Married for 2
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
Not sure what is going on between H and I.

Offline 31andcounting

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Re: Maybe the beginning of the end
« Reply #1 on: April 20, 2018, 05:31:38 AM »
Never allow yourself to feel this is your fault island, never!

He is the one keeping her as a friend and this is wrong! 

Remember all you can control are your reactions. try hard not to get caught up in his accusations!  This is his crisis, not yours!

(hugs) and sending extra strength!
31 
Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline islandgirl68Topic starter

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Re: Maybe the beginning of the end
« Reply #2 on: April 20, 2018, 11:24:08 AM »
Thank you 31. After my rant yesterday I felt better. I took the rest of the day to reflect. I stepped back and realized I was falling into the same drama that I untangled myself from. Plus I was making OW more desirable as 'forbidden fruit'.

I asked S17 if it was ok that I didn't go to his baseball game yesterday. S17 asked if I was ok. I just told him that dad will be there to support him and I would see him at home. I really needed time to myself and not see OW. I already told H I was not going to S17 game and that I already talked to him. H asked if he should stay home too. I told H that is up to you, but one of us should be there to support S17. H decided to go and I was glad he did.

At home all I did was cook dinner, but it was nice to be by myself. The girls were there of course, but I didn't have to worry about H. I blasted my IPOD and sang and danced in the kitchen with D3 and D7. H meanwhile contacted me constantly. I think he was trying to reassure me that he wasn't alone with OW.  ::)

I actually did not give OW any headspace after my post. When H came home he seemed unsure of how my mood would be, but I was just myself. I met H outside, helped him unload the car and jumped in to ride with him to park it on the road. On the walk back to the house H was very talkative. I just listened. In front of the house H embraced me and held on for a bit. I asked H if he was ok. H said he was and that he just loved me so much that he didn't want me to push him away ??? I was reassuring to H that I was still here.

After that we had a nice evening together. H and I talked thru the night and once again fell asleep in each others arms. I wish H would wake up soon and realize he's being a butthead about his 'friendship' with OW. Its funny because H mentioned last night that he wishes to get back to himself, like how he used to be. ::)
Me: 33
H: 36
S17; D10; D7; D3
Together 18 years, Married for 2
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
Not sure what is going on between H and I.

Offline islandgirl68Topic starter

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Re: Maybe the beginning of the end
« Reply #3 on: April 23, 2018, 02:56:43 PM »
Things have been pretty quiet this weekend between H and I. I'm taking a break from posting for a little bit. I need to focus on a few things within myself that I kind of stopped doing when H returned. I realized I am getting resentful towards H. I don't want to be, but I guess its human nature. I was just starting to pull myself up and when H returned I put myself on the back burner...again ::) So enough fixing others and start within. I put off scheduling with and IC so I am now looking into trying again.
Me: 33
H: 36
S17; D10; D7; D3
Together 18 years, Married for 2
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
Not sure what is going on between H and I.

Offline islandgirl68Topic starter

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Re: Maybe the beginning of the end
« Reply #4 on: May 15, 2018, 04:22:49 PM »
I'm finding new things about myself. I am, according to H, suffocating. In a way I agree. Ever since his suicide attempt I feel so anxious when I am not with H or hear from him. H has responded by pulling away emotionally and in turn I have been pushing him by acting like a barnacle and clinging to him. Thus causing H to retreat further.

It been an emotional roller-coaster friends. Eventually H blew up and said, "Island you are driving me crazy. I just want to be left alone. I feel like running and leaving. I feel like I can't breathe." I just told H that I'm sorry. I will give him space. H did say he understood that I was concerned about him, but that it's not about me.

So for the past week I have been doing just that. I have left H alone. I do not check up on him. H has begun to connect with me again. Everything since H returning home has been so fast and furious that we weren't really connecting. It was more a "honeymoon phase."

I read this article about pursuit and distance and everything in there made things so much clearer. I need to stop obsessing and work on me. I have contacted an IC and am on a waiting list. I also started taking CBD oil and it has helped tremendously with my anxiety.

I have all these little triggers that set me off... H's phone, BD anniversary, OW, OW's brother, baseball (cause that's how this all started), softball (this too is how it started)... its crazy. It starts with heart palpitations, then I start getting tunnel vision, my chest and heart squeeze. Everything has become overwhelming. I've never felt this since I was a child. There is a lot more work I need to do for me.

https://www.sowhatireallymeant.com/articles/intimacy/pursuit-and-distancing/
« Last Edit: May 15, 2018, 04:55:49 PM by islandgirl68 »
Me: 33
H: 36
S17; D10; D7; D3
Together 18 years, Married for 2
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
Not sure what is going on between H and I.

Offline 31andcounting

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Re: Maybe the beginning of the end
« Reply #5 on: May 16, 2018, 07:40:44 AM »
I am sorry you are struggling island.

Maybe you need to get yourself into therapy.  You need to take care of island now.

(hugs)
31
Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Maybe the beginning of the end
« Reply #6 on: May 16, 2018, 07:54:22 AM »
Good for you that you have acknowledged your side in this and are doing something about it. It has to be very scary having had your H attempt suicide, so your actions are very understood. Our work with ourselves doesn't end if the MLCer comes back, it just changes. I hope your IC can get you in soon. Take a deep breathe. You can do this.

When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline islandgirl68Topic starter

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Re: Maybe the beginning of the end
« Reply #7 on: May 16, 2018, 06:19:11 PM »
I'm actually doing better today 31. I'm taking baby steps towards self care. I keep a lot of things in and I know at this point H is not in the position to be the one who I confide in. I miss that, but I know H can't be that person right now.

Offroad, thank you. I am hopefully getting in to see the IC in June.

I realized looking back, H pursued me big time when he first came home. I craved it so much after being monstered at for 6 months. I was desperate for his love and affection. So when after his suicide attempt that H cut me off emotionally and physically, it sent me into panic mode. Throw in talking to OW again and I felt like everything was happening all over again. I clung to H, pleading, crying, angry, frustrated. I was telling him to share his feelings with me again. To be open. I kept pushing and pushing. H kept retreating. He is afraid of being vulnerable again.

Taking a step back helped me realize what I was doing. Is it my first instinct to pursue and fix? Yes! So I wrestle with that impulse everyday. Reconnection is hard, way harder than I thought it would be. Maybe we are trying too soon. We both have so much work to do within ourselves.
Me: 33
H: 36
S17; D10; D7; D3
Together 18 years, Married for 2
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
Not sure what is going on between H and I.

Offline Anon

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Re: Maybe the beginning of the end
« Reply #8 on: May 16, 2018, 08:36:42 PM »
Hi Island, please be careful going forward to keep expectations at zero.   It's possible that this return home will be temporary.  I fear your H is still deep in replay (otherwise OW would be gone).  You are just past the first year since BD.  Replay is typically a minimum of two years and during that time they are unlikely to give up the addictive OW.  If they do, another OW usually appears soon after so be prepared.  It may not go that way but it's quite possible during replay.  A return home this early is worrisome.  He has both you and OW, which is exactly what he wants:  the best of BOTH worlds.   He now has no reason to fix or change anything within himself.  Maybe set some strict boundaries while OW is still around - check the resources page for how to do it effectively.  Done properly it can move them along through the tunnel.







BD June 2017.  Not standing.  I no longer accept MLC as an excuse for his adultery, abandonment, rejection, betrayal, and lies.

My inspirational 'moving on' LBS song:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YxVyAE7FjdE

Offline Treasur

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Re: Maybe the beginning of the end
« Reply #9 on: May 17, 2018, 03:09:09 AM »
Maybe set some strict boundaries while OW is still around - check the resources page for how to do it effectively.  Done properly it can move them along through the tunnel.

And more importantly than that, those boundaries will protect your spirit and wellbeing. Hug from here, island girl x
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

 

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