Author Topic: My Story Maybe the beginning of the end  (Read 4349 times)

Offline Mae

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My Story Re: Maybe the beginning of the end
« Reply #140 on: August 11, 2018, 01:29:18 PM »
Hey IG,

Just catching up with you. Don't be hesitant to post because you did the opposite of what was suggested.....I have done exactly the same and many others here too.

It's so hard to gain detachment when we are so attached to our own emotions. I found it almost impossible not to be reactive to whatever was going on with my H, how I perceived his actions and how it affected me. I struggled terribly with my H's disconnection and distance.

No need to confront your H re: the phone records and lying about contact.....I fear it will make him feel even more guilt and even more pressure....nothing good will come from it. At present he IS doing well in not contacting her....it's been four days....that's good.

Quote
I'm trying to understand why you would hurt the one you love. The person you say you can't live without.

Typical behaviour from a depressed person......his actions are designed to lessen his own pain. He is not trying to hurt you....he finds it difficult to think of how his actions impacts on others.....they are incredibly selfish.

Mine said he 'loved me most in the world' then proceeded to cut me totally from his life....how do you understand that? You can't really because you are not them, in their skin and going through whatever it is they are going through.

Your H knowing what real love is? Maybe he does or maybe he doesn't.....he's not well and his first priority should be himself.....his focus should be getting himself healthy so that he can be a great dad and great husband. He still needs time and space.....it's a long, hard process for everyone.

My H could no longer be here at home as my husband or father to our kids....so he left. I believe he did that to save himself..........and he has, he's saved himself but at a huge price. I keep coming back to what Nah said in a post, what our spouses do....we can't control, only ourselves...our actions and responses, our choices that's what we can control.

Hugs IG, you can do this.
Me: 50
H: 40
S19, D15
Together for 19 years
BDay in 2004, 2011 and now March 5 2017
Ran away on 5 March BD
No OW
Returned home 'underdone' 1 July 2017.
Left again 22 October 2017.
H - Silent and non-communicative

Offline Confused dad

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Re: Maybe the beginning of the end
« Reply #141 on: August 12, 2018, 10:12:34 AM »
Hey Island Girl.

I have not posted in your thread in a while. 
BBHelp told me sometimes in reconnecting we go two steps forward and three steps back.  If you feel like you made a mistake in how you deal with your husband, don’t beat yourself up just try not to do it again going forward.
I’ve done the “wrong” thing several times with my wife. Dealing with a spouse in mlc is hard.  Everything seems to revolve around them and their selfish needs.  If the pendulum swung and it revolves around you for a week or so its ok in my book. 
Always work on you and do the best for you.  GAL
Keep your head up. Everyone tells me to give it more time.  Take it day by day.
Wife moved upstairs summer of 2015
BD #1 July 2016 Said she was done( right after I told her I was 100% committed to doing the work on my end to fix our marriage)  she did not leave, things actually improved some  over the winter then she pulls away again

BD # 2 July 2017 says she wants to sell house and go our seperate ways. Wants her freedom. She is unhappy and thinks it is because of me.
EA or FA discovered July 2017. She searches her astrology sign and his almost daily. 
PA confirmed 10-8-17. Had been going on sporadically since summer of 2016
She is very active with kids but has blowups quite often.  She's acting like a teenager so maybe she relates well to them.
D-14
D-12
Married 17 years together for 20
I'm standing but am about to explode.

Offline hopeandfaith

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Re: Maybe the beginning of the end
« Reply #142 on: August 12, 2018, 07:43:55 PM »
Just catching up with your thread IG.  Maybe there is a little silver lining to how you have visibly suffered lately.  Your H might be tempted to unconsciously lean on you too much if he thinks you are always strong.  Knowing that you are not and also have wobbles makes you very human, takes you off an unhealthy pedestal and encourages him to stand up and do some growing himself.  They are all really good things.

You have also been reminded that checking phone logs is a brutal thing to do and usually does more harm than good.  If you had known about all that at the time, do you think he would have made the progress he has made?  He DOES sound a bit more stable IG.  It is very hard to see that when you are so close and living this daily.  Well done on the bright and cheery approach on Fri morning.  He does follow your lead.

'Still' is very very hard.  You got this.
BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved out July 2017
D18, D16 and S14

Online Treasur

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Re: Maybe the beginning of the end
« Reply #143 on: August 12, 2018, 10:57:40 PM »
It's understandable that you feel this way
The truth is that your h is still lying and ow is until a few days ago still in play.
And that's tough and painful to accept, and impossible to understand given what he says.

What are you doing for you IG which is nothing to do with your h's crisis?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Music45

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Re: Maybe the beginning of the end
« Reply #144 on: August 12, 2018, 11:39:33 PM »
Hey Island Girl
Like everyone is saying, we've ALL made mistakes. I've made LOADS. In the end, you know what, I don't think it makes much difference. He probably won't remember and he probably would have done something crazy anyway, whatever you did or said. You could be catching up to date with the posts on your thread having played it "by the book" and he might have done exactly the same.

Be like the song from Frozen - Let it Go (I know it's hard)

((hugs))

Online Helpingme!

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Re: Maybe the beginning of the end
« Reply #145 on: August 13, 2018, 07:25:49 AM »
Island
You didnt.do anything. It's normal for us to want to help. Want look at phone records.
It happens. We all did/ do it.
Just get back on track Island. H will come back. You didn't cause anything.
Island imo if they still see us hurting, needing them to comfort us, they will run.
They need to see we are doing ok. Just part of it.
Remember, H will come back. Just let him be. Get back on solid ground and keep living.

Offline islandgirl68Topic starter

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Re: Maybe the beginning of the end
« Reply #146 on: August 13, 2018, 11:55:04 AM »
Thank you all for your wonderful responses. I wanted to reply to each of you individually, but I can't really focus at the moment. I really do appreciate all of your insight though.

H is going deeper into his depression. He told me last night that he feels unhappy all the time. He feels trapped. H said "I love you more than anything Island, but you deserve better than me. You deserve more than I can offer you. I want you to be happy too. I think that the only thing is for me to get out of the picture. I've hurt you too much. You are a good woman, I see all of the men that would kill to have you as a wife. You sacrifice so much for me. I can't keep taking from you."

Apparently H has got it in his head now that the only way for me to find happiness is for a D. H said he needs to be on his own. He is not good for anyone. I told H its ok to feel that way, but to ask yourself it is true? If I were unhappy would I have stayed in our R for over 18 years? If I thought he were not a wonderful father, would I have kept having children with him? Or even allow the kids around him? I told H all the things he expressed to me were valid in a sense of how he feels, but that does not mean that any of it is true. I said "I love you H. I love all of you. That means the good, the bad, the ups, and downs."

H said "Don't think that I don't love you Island. I've loved you from the moment I first saw you." I told him that it does not make sense for us to not be together. H just pulled me closer and held me until I fell asleep.

This morning H was still dark. He kissed and hugged me goodbye, but I could see him struggling. He called me to say that he still feels that a D is what is best for us. H said I feel like I'm the reason you've lost so much. Your family doesn't talk to you. You have to deal with my issues. I told H that my family has always been that way. They are only there in the good times. But when I really needed them, I was on my own. Yes, H's actions did make the relationship between my family and I more strained, but I made my choice and I have no regrets. I told H that his issues are something he will work thru. I will still be here. H just said, we'll talk more later Island.

H texted me all morning, just to say I love you. So I'm a bit confused. You love me so much, you want to D me? I get that his depression is making his thought dark and twisty, but it still throws me off.
Me: 33
H: 36
S17; D10; D7; D3
Together 18 years, Married for 2
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
Not sure what is going on between H and I.

Online Treasur

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Re: Maybe the beginning of the end
« Reply #147 on: August 13, 2018, 12:08:39 PM »
this might be a time to refuse to have R (or D) talks, IG
partly because you're possibly wasting your breath and you may need to let him go
partly because he seems only to be interested in telling you what is best for you not listening to you at all
mostly because he is lost in his own 'story' which seems to be 'I love IG but she/my kids would be better off without me as a h and f'...his story might be a justification or it might be what he actually believes, but either way it's his story not a shared one is it?

if he pushes you on it, maybe keep it simple and say 'that isn't what I want but I can't stop you making that choice'
if he pushes you even more - and he seems to have a habit of doing that - I would just be very factual and say that a D will fundamentally change all of your lives, including that of your kids, that your family will be irrevocably broken by it and it will have serious practical and financial consequences for all of you that once done can't be undone so you will leave him to think about it and trust him to think seriously before he makes a choice for you all. Then I'd shut up and walk away.

on a practical level - and i'm sure you might not want to hear this, IG - once they mention the D word, it's on the table and you need to take L advice so you are prepared either way. You don't need to act on it or tell him you have done so, but for the sake of you and your kids, you need your business head on now. Sorry.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Mae

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Re: Maybe the beginning of the end
« Reply #148 on: August 13, 2018, 03:04:26 PM »
This is excellent practical advice from Treasur.

Depression is skewing his thinking and making him want to escape and run. What he is saying about being unhappy and thinking that divorce is the answer is the truth to him at present, but once the depression passes, he won't continue to feel the same way.

Supporting you through this IG.....I know how hard it is. Detachment from his crisis is key.
Me: 50
H: 40
S19, D15
Together for 19 years
BDay in 2004, 2011 and now March 5 2017
Ran away on 5 March BD
No OW
Returned home 'underdone' 1 July 2017.
Left again 22 October 2017.
H - Silent and non-communicative

Offline hopeandfaith

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Re: Maybe the beginning of the end
« Reply #149 on: August 14, 2018, 04:31:06 AM »
Hey IG, you are doing it tough girl.  Sending hugs your way.

I just wanted to share a conversation that I had with H this weekend which I was reminded of when I read your last post and also Treasur's reply.  We were talking about that guy that stole the plane in Seattle and then crashed it (presumably suicide).  I said to H "surely if someone who loved him could have talked to him at the time and told him that the pain he was currently feeling would only be transferred to them if he took his life, maybe he would have had a light bulb moment". H said "that might have tipped him over the edge". I was confused and thought he'd mis-heard me.  I then said "no, I meant that he needed to know that landing safely would save everyone delving into a similar dark pain to his" and he said "yeah I know, saving everyone is too much responsibility".  How twisted is that?  I guess at that point, this guy had got himself into a hell of a lot of trouble and he thought he would spend the rest of his life in prison.  He decided to kill himself to save his family that pain.

When I read Treasur's suggestion to let him know about the consequences of making the decision to D, I recalled my conversation with H and thought that it might be better to avoid ANYTHING that requires a decision or responsibility from him.  He sounds like he is in a very reactive space and thinking with his emotions.  Whatever gentle way you can find to put him off making any decision until he feels more even or consistent might be better.  Charge neutral.  Validate his feelings where you can but otherwise don't agree or disagree with him.

You already know that the best thing you can do for him is look after yourself so that he doesn't feel like removing himself would be better for you.  I can't remember if you have been getting any IC for yourself?  If not, would that be an option?  I know your H is reluctant and he might actually have a little bit of fear about you getting help in case you get talked out of being with him (his irrational thoughts).  Maybe you could do it quietly, hopefully benefit from it and then share your tips on how one improves ones life (hint hint H) 
BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved out July 2017
D18, D16 and S14

 

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