[Didot49]

It has taken me a while to get centered enough to write my story. I’ve read tons about MLC, and I’m pretty sure my husband is slap bang in the middle of one!

2015 was a tough year. My husband’s company was bought, and his job stress ramped up. My elder daughter developed PTSD. She left college and was home having meltdowns every week. We moved house, my younger daughter totaled her car.  My husband’s father developed esophageal cancer in November of 2015, and husband became depressed. I made some insensitive comments regarding the lack of intimacy in our relationship in December 2015. I apologized instantly and blamed my anger on my feeling rejected by him.

From that moment on he shut down on me and withdrew all affection and intimacy. We struggled through 2016. He traveled with work more and more. We started therapy in August 2016, but he was hardly ever in town. We must have done 15 sessions in a year. When Home, He spent most of his time asleep. He couldn’t sleep at night, so all his energy went to his job.

In 2017 his father died, he turned 50, was diagnosed with acid reflux and sleep apnea. 2 weeks after his father died he told me he wanted to move out. I kept on hearing that he felt dead inside, numb, just wanted to be alone. In October I was so fed up with being stonewalled that I asked him to move out. He stayed.

I asked him repeatedly if he was having an affair. He always denied it. Checked his location services in December 2017. He was supposed to be on business in California. He was in Breckinridge at a romantic hotel. He admitted to having an affair when challenged. He had taken her away for 3 days.
Confronted him and was told virtually nothing. She’s single, lives out of state. That’s all I know to this day.

He moved out. Told him the door was still open for him. He ended it with her. We did 2 days intensive therapy. He was onboard and halfheartedly dated me. Then he realized that he couldn’t forgive me for lack of support in 2015 and the remarks I made that emasculated him. I know I did everything wrong. Asked him questions, pursued him, tried to talk about the relationship. Urgh!!

In April during a trip away I finally realized he isn’t ready for reconciliation. I told him I’m letting him go, and gave him permission to contact the OW. He phoned her the next day!

I’m trying hard to detach, but am heartbroken. All the usual stuff. I didn’t think an affair was in his DNA. He’s the last person I thought would have a MLC.
He lives in a one bedroom apartment and is happy to have shed his responsibilities.

I don’t talk about the OW. He comes home every other day to walk the dog, have a cup of tea and a chat. He always hugs me and is affectionate.

How cliched is all of this?!

[Savoir Faire]

Pretty Cliched Didot, welcome to the club!

Try to keep reading all the stuff on MLC, it does help.

At the moment, you are both confused and it's a good time to distance yourself so you can think a bit clearer.  Treat your H like a friend and don't be too accommodating with the cups of tea and chats.  If he wants out, let him go.

I am sure you can make arrangements to walk the dog.

The main problem with keeping up this level of contact is that the MLCer really needs time to sort through his issues and attaching himself to you like he is will probably backfire at some stage.

Protect your finances as the MLCers often spend crazily on the OW, it usually ramps up as time goes on.  Protecting yourself doesn't mean divorce, just make sure he can't ruin you.  He's been secretive about the affair and will lie about money too.

Take time for yourself, be busy when he comes around in stead of allowing him to cake eat.

Post as often as you like.  OP will be along to welcome you soon with links to all the articles you will need to survive this.

((((((Hugs))))))

[Didot49]

Thank you, not a club I ever thought I would be a member of!

I have to admit that I have made myself scarce at times when I know my H is coming over. It doesn’t seem to bother him. He texts to let me know the dog has been walked. Today I told him that I can walk the dog, but he said he needs the steps. He walks 10,000 steps every other day. It’s pretty obvious to me that he isn’t just coming to walk the dog. He seems to have a problem letting me go. Ironic really.

Apparently he’s 80% sure he wants a divorce. I lost my cool recently and told him that I didn’t want to see him anymore, he flipped his lid and said ‘ right if that’s the way you want to play it, we’ll talk through lawyers’. It occurred to me days later that the only thing I threatened to take away was his access to me. I thought his reaction was odd.

I had my first preliminary session with a lawyer yesterday. I wanted to know my rights. I don’t plan to file currently, but I don’t want to be blindsided if he does. It looks like I will be ok financially, but I will be keeping an eye on finances.

We moved into a large house in 2015, and should really have downsized at that point. Both of us hate the house. We have no good memories here at all. He’s gone, and I’m rattling around in this huge house with my daughter, 2 cats and a dog! I think I’m ready to show that I’m moving on. He is supportive of me buying a small house and moving out. I’m worried this will ruin any chance of us reconciling, but I don’t ever see him wanting to live here again anyway. He’s already made a spreadsheet of our furniture to facilitate dividing it up. How thoughtful!

I tried to buy a brand new house this week, but they wanted me to close on it next month and it felt like it was too soon, so I pulled out. I felt very depressed while the whole process was going on, and thought I’d be relieved that it fell though, but actually am really feeling the need to leave this house. I know it sounds like I’m running away too, but it’s really tough to live here without him. A fresh start is really appealing. Moving over the summer would be good for my daughter, so she can get settled.

Thoughts?

[Treasur]

Didot
Yes, it all sounds very familiar, I'm afraid.
Trusting your own instincts is a solid path. I found that when I moved to a new house, it improved my wellbeing tremendously even if it improved nothing in my marital situation.
The truth is that your H is on his own crazy train now and nothing much you do will make any difference to that. But what you do can make a big difference to your own survival and sanity. If your guts says live somewhere new and that the house is an unhappy place, trust that unless there is a strong legal reason for not moving.

[Savoir Faire]

Don't get too wound up with 'moving on' or any divorce talk from your H, it's all been heard before.

Not much a MLCer says is true and only take notice of what he does.

Moving house has no effect on reconciliation or his crisis.  The MLCer is so lost it's difficult to explain just how lost he is.

It's best not to rush into anything as emotionally, you are going through a lot.  Do what YOU want when YOU want to and don't bother what your H thinks, to be honest he doesn't think much about anyone but himself and his own 'happiness'.  It takes them years to see what they have done.

He will try to bait you into fights so don't take the bait.  He needs to be able to blame what he sees as a marriage break-up on you when the real problem is within him.

Stay distant and happy when you see him but don't talk about your relationship.  He may even tell you he wants to return, many do this.  Take everything he says with a grain of salt and focus on you.

[Silver]

Welcome Didot, sorry you had to come but you found the right place.

I had shivers when reading your story, my XW also accused me for not giving her support as she got sick at 2015 (she was sure it was fatal, fortunately it wasn't) and also lost his father at that year. I heard that trough our crisis but understood that it was really part of the script. I could have been better H to her at that point but she really didn't lack support, but saw my intention to stay sane (she wasn't believe me) for kids and our family and not agreeing with her she will die soon as underrating her condition. You know they have right to have their views but it is important to make a difference between what's script and what is not for us.
I hope you are not blaming yourself about that.

Keep us posted, you will find good people and lots of support here.

[OldPilot]

Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
GAL.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4.msg380#msg380

Developing Detachment
http://jamesjmessina.com/toolsforcontrolissues/developdetachment.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

[Didot49]

Thank you all for the words of support. I don’t personally know anyone who has been though this, so it helps to talk to others who get what I’m going though. It’s a lonely spot to be in at times.

Yes, I have spent a lot of time blaming myself, and wondering where I went wrong. H said i was 95% to blame for his depression, he drinks less now because he isn’t with me. The only time he felt uncomfortable in his apartment was the day i came around.

H said he tried his hardest to reconcile, but there’s just no spark. In the last two years he went on and on about the lack of connection between us. He told me that talking to me stresses him. At the time I didn’t realize relationship talks were no go.

He definitely baits me. He told me that he may be moving two states away. When I became upset, he said ‘I knew you would react this way’. He withdrew from me after that. Another time he said that he may have to move to Puerto Rico. By that point I was able to appear nonchalant.

My husband’s friend was the first to call this a MLC. I started reading and finally realized that this was about him, and not me. I couldn’t have prevented this. I learned that they bait us to get a rise in order to justify their decision not to be with us.

The problem is I love him, but I struggle with who he has become. I’m aware that the man I was married to almost 26 years is vastly different to the man he has become. I love him, but I don’t like this new selfish version of him. He said we don’t make each other happy. Doesn’t happiness come from within. It’s not my job to make him happy, nor his job to make me happy. I guess this OW makes him feel more alive. He declared that he is pursuing his own happiness, and surely our girls want him to be happy? He doesn’t seem very happy though. He’s admitted he is barely functioning right now and blames it on lack of sleep.

His company stopped travel recently to save money. Next week he starts traveling again. He travels about 80% of the time normally. This will enable him to see his OW. She flies to stay with him while he is traveling. I’m hoping that now I’ve told them that they can do what they like, that the elicitness has gone, and it will burn itself out. I know he will phone me when he’s away. Probably every few days. I’m so tempted to ignore his calls, but I guess I need to stay friendly if I want him back. Is it better to be less available? Because he complained about lack of support when traveling, in 2015, I hate to play it cool. I don’t want to be a doormat either though.

[Thunder]

Hi Didot,

After reading through your thread so far I don't think taking his calls or not taking them will make a difference, at this point.

If you want to answer, go ahead, but just be light and friendly.  No serious talks about anything.
That's not being a doormat.

If you're not in the mood to be light and breezy with him, don't answer.

If the conversation goes somewhere you don't want it to go, sorry I need to do blah, blah, so I better get going....have a good day.  Bye

You get to control the conversations.

[same33]

Welcome, Didot. Sorry you have to be here. This place is a safe place full of some very caring people that are in/have been through all of the various stages of this.

Please take care!