I have to write while this is still fresh. Back in April I asked my H to read Michelle Wiener-davis’ book ‘The Divorce Remedy’. He took the book, and nothing more was said about it until September when we had an argument about his return to seeing OW, which resulted in what I like to refer to as ‘the gin sling’! He told me that night he wanted a divorce, and I asked him to read ‘The Divorce Remedy’ before he makes a hasty decision. As an aside he has mentioned divorce twice upto today. Once near the anniversary of his dead father’s death, and once just before his father’s birthday; both obviously times of grief and stress for him.
Things kind of plodded along for a while. I gave him space, didn’t call him at all, and didn’t ask when or if he was coming over. I made no demands on his time at all. He still came over from time to time to walk the dog and have a cup of tea. We also went out for the odd lunch. He never asked me out in the evening, as he knew I would consider it to be a date. Just before Thanksgiving he invited me and D20 out to see a movie and for lunch. At the restaurant he announced he would be reading over Thanksgiving (he used to read a lot, but hardly at all these days). It turns out he was planning to read the book I gave him.
The day before Thanksgiving he came over to the house. We sat chatting over a cup of tea, he looked into my eyes, and burst into tears saying that he was going to a therapist that afternoon. I asked if he had chosen one that deals with trauma, as I believe his Dad’s death traumatized him. He answered that he had chosen one that was right for his needs, but mentioned it was a non Christian man, as he didn’t want to be judged. He also shared that he had come close to a mental breakdown,
Around Christmas he told me that he had read a book on mindfulness, and was putting it into practice.
He also finished ‘The Divorce Remedy’. He spent a lot of time at the house over Christmas, but I know that was to be around our daughters. He was relaxed and seemed happier in general. He asked me out for dinner for the first time since March, and suggested we pick a time to discuss the book together.
That day was today. I was very nervous as in the days leading upto our talk he kept on saying he didn’t want to be in limbo anymore, and that we both deserve to be happy. Finally this morning he assured me that he wasn’t planning to drop a bombshell.
He started off our talk saying that if it wasn’t for me we wouldn’t still be married. He recognized that I had done the work on myself to change, but he was nervous that the changes weren’t permanent, and that we would both revert to our previous character traits. He had a number of complaints about me listed out. Spending too much money, being unappreciative, being difficult to travel with, comments I made that humiliated him, having a different work ethic to him, amongst others. He said he traveled so much as he had been unhappy in the marriage for three years, and had anxiety about coming home from work (I think guilt over his affair may be a factor here). He finally expressed real remorse over the affair, and said he made a mistake and shouldn’t have done that. He owned the fact that he didn’t communicate with me or try to fix the marriage. He admitted to giving up.
He told me the OW was there for him when he needed someone, but he ended the relationship as it wasn’t working. She had become disillusioned with him not divorcing me, and withhis baggage, the baggage being me! At this point I could not resist saying that she shouldn’t have got involved with a married man, and he agreed. He also admitted she had her own set of problems, which totally tied in with the idea that the OW is as broken or more so than they are.
He admitted to seeing me in a very negative light, and said he knew it was unfair. He also said that he know he’s put a lot of blame on me and that he still harbors a lot of resentment to me. He said he needs time to work on himself, and then he will make 1, 5 and 10 year mission statements and share them with me. He honestly doesn’t know if he still wants to be married, but aims to make a decision in the next 6 months.
To be honest I feel an enormous sense of peace from talking with him. Goodness only knows if our marriage will survive, but I know I’ve done my best to save it. If he decides to pull the plug I know I’ll be ok, and after tonight I think we may even manage to salvage a friendship at least. It felt good to finally hear an apology, to have some really open and honest conversation, and to have certain suspicions about OW confirmed. They shoot themselves in the foot when they make demands! He knows he has nothing to give anyone right now. He has to build himself up again. He said he had been a closed book himself upto now because he didn’t know what he wanted. I hope my sharing this has been helpful in some way. At least it gives some insight into how they think. I really felt before Thanksgiving that he was starting to wake up. He was so anti-therapist, it shocked me that he was willing to go to one. He’s British, as am I, and they don’t seem so open to therapy in general.
As for me, I start my first real job in 23 years tomorrow in a local library. I also start a masters in Library Science mid month. I can really say I’m getting a life. 2019 is looking good. Here’s wishing you all the best for this year.
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Stuck in limbo land!