[Savoir Faire]

Do what you want Didot and not your MC . I hope your MC rfealises this is not a typical marriage break-up and a MLC?

Some of these counselors are pretty useless.  If you want to go to the movies go, if you don't let him take the girls while you take a break.

[Didot49]

Still wading through the muck! My daughter left for a semester abroad in Europe. 5 days into her trip she was drugged and assaulted. H turned up at 6 in the morning to break the news, and we decided to fly to Europe immediately. We had separate rooms in the hotel, and were able to see our daughter and be loving supportive parents. She’s doing ok, and the incident is being investigated. She opted to stay there, and seems to have a good support network. I’m still worried about her, but hoping she can recover from this.
While there together H and i got on really well. H decided he wouldn’t tell his mother about what happened to D20, as he didn’t think she could handle it. He had to go to England to see her directly after our trip to mainland Europe.
When he got back we went out to Adam Sandler one night and Elton John the next, and had a fantastic time. We talked on the way home from the concert, and he leaned over and kissed me when he dropped me off. It was instigated by him and took me by surprise. He hasn’t kissed me in over two years. A few days later I was in classes all day, so he said he would cook for me. One thing led to another and .......He next day he traveled to Europe on business and he was gone for two weeks. During that time I accidentally let slip to his mother that we were in Europe together. She asked me about my studies and told her about having to do an all night study session in Europe. I also dropped my husband in it, because something i said indicated he was there. I didn’t say why, I made excuses and ended the call. I immediately told H what I had done, and he was so angry that his mother would think he was a liar. He had to do some damage control so told her we flew over because our D was having problems settling in.
Well here we are two weeks after our intimate evening together and I found out today he’s still angry, and basically it’s made him think that he can’t be with me. Apparently I’m too scattered, he isn’t patient enough. It’s not fair for me to be walking on eggshells. He can’t be what I want and doesn’t know if he wants to be. He’s talking like he’s going to pull the plug when he sees me. He got back today and sees his therapist after work. I found out recently that his therapist is promarriage, which is good.
I’m left wondering how long I can put up with this rubbish. He’s still saying he’s anxious because of us. Apparently he was anxious after our night together. I thought he was coming through this, but he definitely seems to be so scared of the idea of getting back with me. So disheartening! I felt like a love sick teen after that kiss. There was a spark, and I know he felt it too. He wants to talk in the next day or two. Advice please!

[Savoir Faire]

Hi Didot and sorry you're going through a hard time.

I am not surprised your H has become angry again, being intimate with you would scramble his brain and make him question his choice to leave you.

Your H has been in crisis for a very short time and unfortunately, as we have seen here many times, the chance of this being the end of his crisis is slim.  Most MLC's take up to seven or more years to get through this and if your BD was in 2017, it's probably a touch and go.  It's also possible he's in a transition rather than crisis but the only way to know is to wait and see.

I wish there was better news.  Now is the time to back off, if he hasn't done this already. Back to treating him kindly and allowing him to be around you if that's what you want.  I know how easy it is to get caught up in believing he is getting well and certainly don't beat yourself up for what you've done.  We've all been where you are now and the best thing for you to protect your heart is detachment and if that means having little contact, it's what has to happen.  Back to GALing and leaving him to his crisis.

Many Hugs ((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

[UrsaMajor]

What Savvy said.....

Doin' the Wild Thang has scrambled his eggs and he's left with a gloppy mess.... and he knows he caused it so ...

His anger is his distraction to keep from being confronted with the reality of what is going on and what he has done....

[Didot49]

Thanks for you responses Savvy and UM, you are both right of course. He couldn't handle intimacy between us. My first bomb drop, ILYBINILWY, was at the end of 2015. H left at the end of 2017. I still don't know how long the affair was gong on for. I know this is still early as regards MLC, and it's obvious he is nowhere near coming through this. Still in replay.

H spoke to his therapist about his anger towards me. He knows it's irrational, but he feels a lot of anger towards me, and uses this as a reason to not be with me. I would be walking on egg shells the whole time etc. His therapist is trying to help him through the anger, and get to the bottom of it. I think the anger and blame are all just internal stuff that he needs to deal with, and not project onto me. The therapist actually defended me. From what I hear, his therapist is pro-marriage. H will often insist on talking to his therapist before talking to me, which is a good thing.

Since my last post H had emergency surgery for a hernia. He went from anger at me to sheepishly calling me for help. I ended up driving him to the hospital and he ended up staying at my house for 3 nights. I went to Spain to spend time with our daughter who's there for a semester abroad, and while I was gone he stayed at the house with our eldest daughter. The days after surgery  were the first time he has stayed here since moving out. He point blank refused before, even when he had surgery last year, and if I was away.

Yesterday he said that the house didn't feel like home to him. He also said that it's not working for us. Since that night of fun we had in February, he traveled on business for 18 days, came back and had surgery, a week alter I went to Spain. We have spent hardly anytime together, so for him to say it's not working is laughable.

 I also found out yesterday that OW contacted him again after almost 6 months no contact. She's seeing someone else now, but can't seem to let go. She reached out to H for help, (apparently not financial, but I don't think I believe that). My question to him was "why couldn't she ask family, friends or her new partner for help?". She must have numerous other people who could help her. Just her checking to see if the door is open, and it is! He told me she called after I asked him. He said he was going to tell me, but I doubt it.

H is fed up of being in limbo and restless. He wants to move out of his apartment and buy a house. I still care way too much. He's now very depressed and withdrawn from me, but getting on much better with our daughters, which is good.

Finding it very tough dealing with his crap. It's the reconnection and withdrawal, rinse and repeat that get me. My work and studies  have scuppered my social life, so I'm cutting back on the number of classes I'm taking and getting back into getting a life. I'm going axe-throwing for the first time next week. That should be a great stress reliever! Still working on detachment!

[Evertrying]

Hi Didot,

Our stories are alike except for the fact my H is still living in our home. But he pulls the same crap yours does. Nice one minute and hateful and resentful the next. Now he is showing signs of depression and I think it's because he wants out but can't seem to take the steps to finally do it.
My H isn't one to move out and then do fly by's. IF he goes, he's done. He won't go back and forth. I know him well enough that it will be the end.
I am sorry I don't have any advice but please know I understand how you feel. A lot of us are in the same boat.

[DaybyDay1]

Hi Didot, I just read through your thread and had so many comments along the way that I wanted to make because I just kept thinking, "Oh my gosh, this sounds just like my H."  I make him anxious.  Home doesn't feel like home.  He had a tantrum when I wanted to help him with his recovery from a surgery last year.  He's angry at me and lists a bunch of ways of how I've "wronged" him.  I know there are other similarities but I just can't remember them right now. 

Thanks for sharing your story.  If I had any doubt that MLCers follow a very similar pattern, those are gone now.  My H is definitely in a midlife crisis and I'm just sad to know that he's "early" into it.  My timeline is similar to yours.  I discovered his affair on September of 2017 but we started having problems in 2016. 

I'm sorry the OW reached out to your H again.  I will never understand how broken a person must be to get involved and then stay involved with someone who is married!  It just kills me.  It seems to be the way the story goes in MLC though so it doesn't do any good to get upset about it.  I know that's easier said than done at times.

Anyway, I'm following along and wishing you the best!

[Didot49]

Thanks Daybyday and Evertrying, I read your past posts, and it's all so similar isn't it. I have started to post so many times and for some reason stopped. This year has gone by in a blur, but the realization that my husband has been gone 18 months has hit me hard. Of course I had to look up articles on separation, and found out very few come back home after 2 years. I guess midlife crisis is a whole different ball game though, at least I hope so. It does seem that those couples that tend to reconcile after MLC never actually separated. I thought I had left denial a long time ago, but today saw me just full of disbelief about what has happened to our marriage. How did we get here?

H has entered a time of frequent travel again, until the next work travel ban that is. He is gone Monday to Friday, traveling the world and working 15 hour days. he's exhausted, but his work gives him purpose, and helps him feel like he is making a difference. It's always been clear
 to me that work is the real alienator. OW seems to be gone, although I'm sure that they are still in contact. He says that she became disillusioned that he wasn't divorcing me, but I think she may gotten angry at how little time he gave her. I think she must have realized how things were for me. D23 recently told me that she fully expects H to have a heart attack. Certainly, I wonder how long he can sustain this punishing work schedule.

He has mentioned several times that I've changed for the better. Today he said he doesn't think he's changed at all, and he seemed ok with it. This is what I've noticed with dismay recently; He is working so much that he can't possibly have any time for reflection. He is still going to an IC, but the visits must be sporadic because he is rarely here. He admits that he was doing better earlier in the year when he wasn't traveling so much, and said that he's in limbo, he's been saying that since February. His apartment contract is up for renewal at the end of July, but so far no sign of him doing anything about it. In March he told me that he was going to be buying his own place, and said he wouldn't put a deposit down without telling me, but so far nothing.

He's still popping over for cups of tea when he can, sometimes on the day he gets back from a trip. He tends to stay for an hour, and his visits always end with exceptionally long hugs. Phone calls are minimal, and I don't call him. We text back and forth, but not everyday. Twice recently he has said that he doesn't know what he wants to do as regards the two of us and is sorry for what it's doing to me, so nothing new there. He used to invite me to the movies, and out for meals, but has stopped that completely.

He hasn't said I love you for over a year. I'm left wondering if he's genuinely confused, or if he's too much of a coward to start a divorce. I was doing so well, but today feeling very discombobulated. February's touch and go was tough to deal with. I do wonder though if we are reconnecting over cups of tea (he mainly talks about the trials and tribulations of his job), or if he's just being friendly? I have no idea what goes on in that man's head, and I'm trying to get to the point where I just don't care. It's clear to me that he is incapable of any empathy, and still seems so shut down. It's so strange. I would hate to live his joyless existence.The one thing he says time and time again is that life is short, as if he has to go and grab life by the horns, but all he does is work, so I'm confused!

 

[DaybyDay1]

Do you think that his insistence on working so much is to distract himself?  My H works all the time too and I think it's so he doesn't have to think about anything or feel anything.  I sometimes wonder that.  H has hinted at the fact that if he works himself to exhaustion then he can sleep and doesn't have to think about anything. 

I have no clue what I'm talking about when it comes to any of this, but I wouldn't put too much stock in the statistics on if he'll return on not based on how long you have been separated.  I think that will make you crazy.  I get upset when I realize that my H is coming to the end of his second year renting a condo and then I try to subtract the amount of months that he was living at home (lots of back and forth) from the total time he's had a condo... and I finally just said forget it.  His lease is up at the end of August and I have no idea what he will do then.  Trying not to stress.

I think that is a VERY good thing that he's noticed you've changed for the better.  All the advice I've gotten over the last couple of years is to focus on myself and to grow and learn.  It sounds like you're doing a good job of that!!   Keep it up.  That's the best thing any of us can do.  That much I do know. 

[Savoir Faire]

Hi Didot,

The fact your H keeps coming around for cups of tea is probably a good thing.  He really hasbn't been cooking long enough for hm to reconnect unless it's more of a transition than a crisis and you'll only know that in hindsight when the transition or crisis is over.

He may well be looking for a new OW, so always be ready for the news of one.  I truly think the ow helps them to get through the crisis, so having one is sometimes bitter sweet for us.

I agree with Day that it makes no difference to him coming back if he's gone for a long time or not.  Tjhis is NOT a marriage problem, it's all about hos FOO issues and until he decides to address those, he will remain wmotinally distant because he thinks you are the problem and not him.

Keep getting on with your life and leave his to what he has to do in order to be whole again.