[Treasur]

Well done on finding the new house and I hope you are enjoying it. Ha ha, particularly as a lot of us will be spending more time at home for a little while.

I've joked before about the need for an mLC/English dictionary. When we say putting ourselves first', we tend to mean living by our values, being responsible for ourselves, make emotionally healthy choices and treating others with respect. MLCers? The same words seem to mean something else altogether....living by their emotions, avoiding the 'pressure' of responsibility, reactions rather than choices with consequences and treating others however we want while expecting them to suck it up? Whole different definition 

I presume your finances are somewhat protected if he decides to bail out his grounded dumsel in distress.....

[Nerissa]

Sorry things are a bit stuck for you Didot.  I hope you are still liking your studying and that your D’s are doing ok. Xx

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

I read through your thread and I am glad to see that you are coming out on top. Hope you are enjoying the new home. You may be in it for a long time. LOL

However, some certain items really struck a cord,

but she kept mumbling that our family is a mess.

This was hard to hear because one she was openly stating her heart. The only issue is that both you and your daughter had too much to drink. It was a wedding and believe me, that happens often. In regards to your daughter, you need to be mindful of her drinking so it doesn't lead to issues later on. I would also address the family is a mess. It's not you or her that is a mess, it's her father. Don't let her blame herself for his crisis.
 My question to you, is how did you feel afterwards? I know your h felt guilt. However, guilt doesn't create the catalyst for change like remorse does. Instead, guilt creates blame and while he may admit he is the "villain" he really blames you.

If I was a betting person I would say the affair is still not completely done, but he doesn't seem to be in love with her.

Yes, you are correct. He's not done yet, because OW is not his addiction. His true addiction is his work. OW is his reward. Just like a person will diet and lose weight and then reward himself with ice cream, you have your h that works hard and then rewards himself with OW. He knows he shouldn't be with her, but he justifies it because he deserves it, he earned it. What really helps is that she is convenient for him as well.

Until your h confronts his real crisis and how much his identity is in his work, he won't cure. I know that my job and career are important to me. In fact, I was driven by fear of losing my job for years until my IC asked me one day, "What would you do if you lost your job?" I told her that I would get another job. "So what are you really fearing?" Yep, fear was the emotion driving me and fear is the strongest emotion of them all.
It was one of the many turning points of my life and it actually broke barriers for me that helped make me a stronger man and a better father and husband.

I would limit my interactions with your H and focus on you and your daughter. He is a proven liar and you know that as well. So until he hits the point of showing remorse and committing his life back to you and your family, he is not worth having.


((((Hugs))) and more ((((Hugs)))

Ready

[KeepItTogether]

Congrats on the new house. That is such a stressful situation in any circumstance. And you did it no problem!

You really have such a great perspective on things and of course you know your H. And that he lies. They all do. About everything. It is ridiculous. I had to chuckle when he said he was going to put himself first. OMG. Ummm ok. Selfishness seems to be the common denominator of these MLCers. Even the clingers. Probably especially the clingers. They seem to straddle between the LBS and OW the entire time they are in crisis. And they say and do things to keep us on that "shelf" waiting for them. They have all the options. And God forbid if you should ever start seeing anyone. Oh boy.

Well, you got the pulse of where he is now. And you are there when he reaches out which is how I am too. Keep doing you and focus on your lovely girls and leave him to it.  You are a kind and loving soul and he knows it. But also a strong and powerful woman. And that scares the crap out of him. When/If he grows up, he won't need the dumsel in distress OW to fill his fix anymore.

You are doing great.

[Milly]

Hi Didot, just wanted to let you know that I'm also here following your latest updates. You sound really good. So pleased you have found a house and so quickly. To me this is a sign of your strength and recovery. Sorry about your D. Our kids our the real victims of their father's MLC. But with a mother like you, she is going to be ok.

Sending love and best of luck with work and the new house.xxx

[Seahorse]

Didot -
Glad you're at peace in your new house.
Let us know how you're doing otherwise.
How's your "heart" doing?
How's your daughter?
I bet H is still real busy with the ventilator company but should be slowing down soon since pandemic is peaking over the next couple of weeks.

Hugs,
Sea

[Didot49]

Well it’s been a while! KIT, UM, Sea, Treasur, Ready, Milly and Nerissa, thanks for your thoughtful responses. It was really appreciated; it helps to hear from others walking the same journey, and get feedback.

This time last year I moved into my own house with my eldest daughter (24). It’s been a weird year, I’m sure the same is true for all of us! I’m pretty close to finishing my masters, so will be a fully fledged librarian soon. I was promoted last month, so work is going well. My youngest has just scored a great job as a consultant, so is happy. My eldest has a number of mental health  issues, and is looking for a job as a proofreader, with no luck so far. Shame I can’t use her for my writing here. I always see a fair number of typos when I look back!

Things with H are moving forward, but at glacial speed. The most surprising thing he said to me a year ago was “ you don’t trust me, and I don’t trust the relationship. Maybe we should give up”. It made me realize that although we want an apology and feel that the mlcer has to earn our trust, they may not trust us either. So I feel like I’m in a situation where I have to earn his trust. I get it though, as I do own my mistakes, and I think he’s at the point where he has woken up to his mistakes.

I had a chat with him at the end of last year and asked if he’s worried about cheating on me again. His response seemed genuine; he told me that he’s done with her and won’t make that mistake again. Pretty sure they are still in touch occasionally, but the pandemic has stopped all of his business travel. He hasn’t been away in over a year. Our youngest heard the two of them arguing a couple of times early last year. D22 actually lived with H for a few months. She caught Covid in March and decided to move out of her college house and in with him. She actually called him out about one call. I think it really shocked him to be confronted by her.

There has been very slow (sloooooow) reconnection. He’s at the point where he’s calling and texting me everyday. His love language is gifts and acts of service, and I’m getting lots of gifts from him, which is interesting as gifts are not my love language. He invites me over, or comes over to mine every weekend, but hasn’t stayed overnight, and hasn’t invited me to stay at his. Apparently, he still doesn’t know what he wants and doesn’t want to confuse our daughters . I don’t instigate any get togethers. I leave it up to him. I’m happy to spend my weekend alone to be honest. He tends to organize family get togethers, rather than the two of us.

For Valentine’s Day, he invited me for that day without mentioning what the day was, then a couple of days before he said “I do realize it’s Valentine’s Day”. He cooked for me, bought gifts, and we had a really lovely evening.

For our anniversary last year, he suggested we all get together for takeout. He didn’t mention the anniversary beforehand, so neither did I. He arrived with gifts and a card. I was completely unprepared. The previous year he phoned for a few minutes, no card and no mention of what day it was. So I said “what’s this”, and he said “anniversary”, like it was the most natural thing for him to be celebrating. Our anniversary is coming up again. I honestly don’t know what to expect. Trying to have no expectations.

We took a quick trip to Vail last June with D22 and her boyfriend. H and I had separate rooms. I messed up on the last night, and told him we could do with talking. It triggered a panic attack and he wasn’t able to sleep that night. the next morning he accused me of being angry about being in a separate room. Which was actually not correct. It actually didn’t bother me. I had a ton of college work and needed the space. To be honest it felt like a test, and I failed it!

We actually head back to Vail next week. D22 is coming along again, but she’s split up with her boyfriend, so it’s just the three of us. She has training for her new job, so will leave a night early. This time last year he would have insisted that we leave early too. This time he seems happy to stay there with me. We’ll see how it goes, but I’m expecting separate rooms and again keeping expectations low.

Overall, it sometimes feels as if we have made no headway, but although it’s been slow, there has been progress. I’m finding that H is calling just to chat. He’s also venting to me about work. He’s gotten closer to our girls this year too. His sense of humor has returned, and he’s back to having hobbies. He’s cooking a lot, which is great, as he will often bring me some focaccia or lamb tagine or some other dish that he’s made. H is still working ridiculous hours. I don’t say anything. He has to work this out himself.

D22 gave me some words of wisdom; she said that if he came though his issues too quickly I wouldn’t trust it. It took a while for things to go wrong and it’s going to take a while for things to heal. She’s wise beyond her years sometimes.

Sometimes I find myself wondering if I really want to be with him. I’ve been standing for over five years now, he shut down in me in January 2016. Certainly, I can see a point where I wonder if this is all worth it. I think Covid fatigue is getting me down. I’ve been struggling a bit lately. I guess I’m leaving my options open right now.

By the way D22 is doing better and not drinking excessively now. She has a great therapist too, which is good. Really things are going pretty well. Thanks for reading xx

[Curiosity]

Just caught up on your thread - I am fairly new to this and joined after your previous post. I feel like there is much to be learned from every story, from an immediate vanisher to a reconciliation, but that middle ground, the touch and goes, the reconnection without reconciliation, the clinger in replay - I feel like those scenarios are unique to MLC and it’s hard for people who haven’t experienced it to truly understand. So thank you for sharing your experiences and how you manage the situation. The lessons of patience, detachment, and getting on with living your life - they are so very important, and your example is powerful.

Glad you got into your new home at the beginning of what has become quite an interesting time in which to live, and on your professional and educational successes! As for the reconnection... accepting that it is glacial, and that you have a say in the outcome, are huge steps in the process (or so it seems to me). It sounds like those are lessons you have learned well.

[Didot49]

Thanks Curiosity, I think I fell into that trap of thinking that once he was done with OW, he would want to be with me. Unfortunately, that isn’t the case. I’m an option, but that’s it right now. 

You are right in saying that there are aspects of this that are uniquely MLC There are a couple of people I’m close enough to share this stuff with, and I’ve lost track at the number of times that their jaws have dropped! It’s really hard for anyone who isn’t familiar with MLC to comprehend.

 Pre-pandemic I went to a 10 week class that dealt with grieving with the end of a relationship. Out of the 40 attendees, I was one of two people there dealing with MLC. The other person was a guy whose wife was going through, what he referred to as, adult rebellion. As part of the class we had to share our stories. The people in the class really seemed to find it hard to understand my situation.

I come back here sporadically not only to vent, but in the hope that it helps someone else in some way. I often read a post where I feel like I could have written it. There are very few people who you come across in everyday life who get what we are dealing with, but here (unfortunately) we all understand

[Anon]

Hi Didot - nice to hear from you and read your update.   It's interesting to read about you and your H and how things have changed.   You are clearly in reconnection from what I see.   Did that start last year when you moved into your new house? I understand why you wonder if it's all worth it.  It's a very difficult time from what I've read.   2 steps forward and 1.5 back does make for glacial progress.   It does sound like you doing okay through it all.    .   Take care and send more frequent updates!  You are at an interesting stage in the MLC world.

Anon
Xx