Author Topic: My Story Not Broken Just Bent  (Read 2960 times)

Online KeepItTogetherTopic starter

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My Story Not Broken Just Bent
« on: May 07, 2018, 10:46:08 PM »
2 years ago, after being the worlds meanest shark-eyed avoider who literally stopped saying hello and goodbye to me for around 3 months, all while I was still in chemo, my H of 14 years, partner of 20, told me our marriage was over. It was  a weekend where we had allowed his parents to take our son back east for a quick trip. I didn't want him to go bc having lost my own Mom, Mother's Day was always a sad one for me. And H was just so cruel and distant, I really wanted my boy there. But he bullied me into letting him go. I had undergone chemo for the 6 months prior and so physically beat up I just lacked the strength to fight him. So I let him go. 
 
To add insult to injury, H told me he was going to stay at his parents that weekend b/c he needed to sort his thoughts out.  I was devastated. And totally unprepared for what would happen 3 days later. It was the first Kentucky Derby I would watch alone since H and I met. I was completely bald, puffy, no eyelashes, no brows, and there was a port protruding from my chest. Not to mention the scars on my breast and underarm from the surgery. I felt ugly and unwanted. Never in my life had I felt so hopeless. 

He couldn't even stay in the house while I transitioned to my radiation. So I worked full time, commuted 2 hours a day, was a full time single parent to a 9 year old and went to radiation treatment every day for 7 weeks.  The outside world would never even suspect the sheer devastation I was feeling at the time. But I am fairly certain I've been in a strange LBS fog up until about a month or 2 ago.

2 years later. I've grown though not as much as I would like. Much more work to be done on me. I still fixate on my H and OW (and whether and to what extent OW is even in his life right now) You see, he now tells me that he loves and wants me back. Wants us to be a family again. But, he still runs. Still avoids. I still have no idea where he lives.  He doesn't tell me these things unless he thinks I am ready to really give up on him. 

Have I given up on him? Not just yet. I saw a profound sadness in his eyes last Friday night. And while his actions after that particular moment are suspect at best, nefarious at worst, I could see the deep pain. But, I could also see the love. And I felt it. And I realized, I'm not done yet.

2 years--things have changed for sure. And progressed for me. H is in a different place too. Still likely in replay though. I miss him terribly but have focused entirely too much on his antics with OW.  It does not serve me to either pontificate about her or point out all the rumors and "sightings" to him. 

There is much work for me to do. On me. I have an exciting oppotunity career wise and I have an amazing son who I worship and adore. I have many wonderful friends and family who I can see and talk to regularly. I have my health. I have a beautiful home. I have so much to be thankful for. So many blessings. Look away from the MLCer--nothing to see there right now.

WE've been through much heartache and trauma. But we are still here. Not broken. And in many ways, much stronger than before. Stronger than we ever thought we could be. 

One more blessing in my life are my HS friends. You all have talked me down from a ledge on more than one occasion, and I am ever so grateful. So I'm focusing on me now. My mirror work--and there's a lot.

Previous thread: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9975.0;all

Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Online Whyus

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #1 on: May 07, 2018, 11:14:49 PM »
great post KIT...

But I am fairly certain I've been in a strange LBS fog up until about a month or 2 ago.
We certainly go through our own Kind of LBS Fog but I would say that its a healthy fog and not destructive. Its about finding ourselves again which sounds spookily similar to what the MLCers are trying to do..

 I still fixate on my H and OW (and whether and to what extent OW is even in his life right now)
Yip, me too... not surprising though after what we have been through especially in a small town..

Look away from the MLCer--nothing to see there right now.
This is awesome and so true. Nothing to see there except doom and gloom..

Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 44
W: 44
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28. Trainings partner. Still together
2 Sons - 18 & 19
2 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Filed
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0
T10. http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9547.0

Offline waiting4

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #2 on: May 07, 2018, 11:50:44 PM »

   Following along with you KIT, you are doing an amazing job, and I am so proud of you..

 
Me-55
H - 55
Adult D- 35
Married 37 yrs. married 33 yrs at time of BD
date of BD  2015
OW- YES, 36 yr old with a 7yr old
H- moved out of our home in  2015 & moved in with OW
H- says doesnt want divorce, wants long term separation. doesnt know what the future holds.
 H- has introduced OW to his family and visits them often with OW.
 H- has introduced OW to a few of our friends.
 Entering 2018. H has not filed for divorce.
He is still living with OW
 If you're going through Hell, keep going

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #3 on: May 08, 2018, 06:48:12 AM »
Attaching KiT.

Yeah, focusing on the Mid-Lifer's antics is somewhat self-defeating....
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Acorn

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #4 on: May 08, 2018, 06:59:11 AM »
Look away from the MLCer.

This should be the title of the theme song for LBSs!
Welcome to your new thread, KIT.
Look forward to reading more about your journey.

(((((HUGS))))))))
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Online Nevertoomuch85

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #5 on: May 08, 2018, 07:59:03 AM »
KIT, You have a great mind set. Sounds like you're doing good considering. Mine also broke up with me thru the OW. It sounds like it came at the worst possible time. ((()hugs)) Hold your head up high and keep on keeping on!

Offline Kanvan

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #6 on: May 08, 2018, 08:14:11 AM »
Quote
There is much work for me to do. On me. I have an exciting oppotunity career wise and I have an amazing son who I worship and adore. I have many wonderful friends and family who I can see and talk to regularly. I have my health. I have a beautiful home. I have so much to be thankful for. So many blessings. Look away from the MLCer--nothing to see there right now. You go girl on your career opportunity. We are all so blessed when we look around at all we have and those children are one of our biggest blessings.

WE've been through much heartache and trauma. But we are still here. Not broken. And in many ways, much stronger than before. Stronger than we ever thought we could be.  Very true my friend.

One more blessing in my life are my HS friends. You all have talked me down from a ledge on more than one occasion, and I am ever so grateful. So I'm focusing on me now. My mirror work--and there's a lot. 
I am so thankful for each of you all because when nobody understands we can come here and vent and everyone here knows the right things to say. Hugs my friend, I am continuing on with your journey and cheering you on. You are the queen
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1

You'll search for me inside of everyone you're with and I won't be found." R.H. Sin.

M-48
H-46
S27,S21, S16
Married 12/10/1994
Divorced 4/10/2018
23 years of marriage
BD- June 22, 2017 Moved in with OW-June 24th, 2017
Standing although divorced

Offline heroIam

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #7 on: May 08, 2018, 12:18:21 PM »
I'm here!
Welcome to your new thread.
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Online Dumbfounded

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #8 on: May 08, 2018, 12:57:57 PM »
Welcome to your new thread KIT!!  Keep the focus on you. Nothing good comes from watching the MLCer's swirling crisis.   
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline Watcher

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #9 on: May 08, 2018, 02:52:53 PM »
Attaching KIT

 

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