Author Topic: My Story Not Broken Just Bent  (Read 2528 times)

Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starter

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My Story Not Broken Just Bent
« on: May 07, 2018, 10:46:08 PM »
2 years ago, after being the worlds meanest shark-eyed avoider who literally stopped saying hello and goodbye to me for around 3 months, all while I was still in chemo, my H of 14 years, partner of 20, told me our marriage was over. It was  a weekend where we had allowed his parents to take our son back east for a quick trip. I didn't want him to go bc having lost my own Mom, Mother's Day was always a sad one for me. And H was just so cruel and distant, I really wanted my boy there. But he bullied me into letting him go. I had undergone chemo for the 6 months prior and so physically beat up I just lacked the strength to fight him. So I let him go. 
 
To add insult to injury, H told me he was going to stay at his parents that weekend b/c he needed to sort his thoughts out.  I was devastated. And totally unprepared for what would happen 3 days later. It was the first Kentucky Derby I would watch alone since H and I met. I was completely bald, puffy, no eyelashes, no brows, and there was a port protruding from my chest. Not to mention the scars on my breast and underarm from the surgery. I felt ugly and unwanted. Never in my life had I felt so hopeless. 

He couldn't even stay in the house while I transitioned to my radiation. So I worked full time, commuted 2 hours a day, was a full time single parent to a 9 year old and went to radiation treatment every day for 7 weeks.  The outside world would never even suspect the sheer devastation I was feeling at the time. But I am fairly certain I've been in a strange LBS fog up until about a month or 2 ago.

2 years later. I've grown though not as much as I would like. Much more work to be done on me. I still fixate on my H and OW (and whether and to what extent OW is even in his life right now) You see, he now tells me that he loves and wants me back. Wants us to be a family again. But, he still runs. Still avoids. I still have no idea where he lives.  He doesn't tell me these things unless he thinks I am ready to really give up on him. 

Have I given up on him? Not just yet. I saw a profound sadness in his eyes last Friday night. And while his actions after that particular moment are suspect at best, nefarious at worst, I could see the deep pain. But, I could also see the love. And I felt it. And I realized, I'm not done yet.

2 years--things have changed for sure. And progressed for me. H is in a different place too. Still likely in replay though. I miss him terribly but have focused entirely too much on his antics with OW.  It does not serve me to either pontificate about her or point out all the rumors and "sightings" to him. 

There is much work for me to do. On me. I have an exciting oppotunity career wise and I have an amazing son who I worship and adore. I have many wonderful friends and family who I can see and talk to regularly. I have my health. I have a beautiful home. I have so much to be thankful for. So many blessings. Look away from the MLCer--nothing to see there right now.

WE've been through much heartache and trauma. But we are still here. Not broken. And in many ways, much stronger than before. Stronger than we ever thought we could be. 

One more blessing in my life are my HS friends. You all have talked me down from a ledge on more than one occasion, and I am ever so grateful. So I'm focusing on me now. My mirror work--and there's a lot.

Previous thread: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9975.0;all

Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Online Whyus

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #1 on: May 07, 2018, 11:14:49 PM »
great post KIT...

But I am fairly certain I've been in a strange LBS fog up until about a month or 2 ago.
We certainly go through our own Kind of LBS Fog but I would say that its a healthy fog and not destructive. Its about finding ourselves again which sounds spookily similar to what the MLCers are trying to do..

 I still fixate on my H and OW (and whether and to what extent OW is even in his life right now)
Yip, me too... not surprising though after what we have been through especially in a small town..

Look away from the MLCer--nothing to see there right now.
This is awesome and so true. Nothing to see there except doom and gloom..

Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 44
W: 44
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28. Trainings partner. Still together
2 Sons - 18 & 19
2 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Filed
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0
T10. http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9547.0

Offline waiting4

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #2 on: May 07, 2018, 11:50:44 PM »

   Following along with you KIT, you are doing an amazing job, and I am so proud of you..

 
Me-55
H - 55
Adult D- 35
Married 37 yrs. married 33 yrs at time of BD
date of BD  2015
OW- YES, 36 yr old with a 7yr old
H- moved out of our home in  2015 & moved in with OW
H- says doesnt want divorce, wants long term separation. doesnt know what the future holds.
 H- has introduced OW to his family and visits them often with OW.
 H- has introduced OW to a few of our friends.
 Entering 2018. H has not filed for divorce.
He is still living with OW
 If you're going through Hell, keep going

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #3 on: May 08, 2018, 06:48:12 AM »
Attaching KiT.

Yeah, focusing on the Mid-Lifer's antics is somewhat self-defeating....
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Acorn

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #4 on: May 08, 2018, 06:59:11 AM »
Look away from the MLCer.

This should be the title of the theme song for LBSs!
Welcome to your new thread, KIT.
Look forward to reading more about your journey.

(((((HUGS))))))))
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline Nevertoomuch85

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #5 on: May 08, 2018, 07:59:03 AM »
KIT, You have a great mind set. Sounds like you're doing good considering. Mine also broke up with me thru the OW. It sounds like it came at the worst possible time. ((()hugs)) Hold your head up high and keep on keeping on!

Offline Kanvan

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #6 on: May 08, 2018, 08:14:11 AM »
Quote
There is much work for me to do. On me. I have an exciting oppotunity career wise and I have an amazing son who I worship and adore. I have many wonderful friends and family who I can see and talk to regularly. I have my health. I have a beautiful home. I have so much to be thankful for. So many blessings. Look away from the MLCer--nothing to see there right now. You go girl on your career opportunity. We are all so blessed when we look around at all we have and those children are one of our biggest blessings.

WE've been through much heartache and trauma. But we are still here. Not broken. And in many ways, much stronger than before. Stronger than we ever thought we could be.  Very true my friend.

One more blessing in my life are my HS friends. You all have talked me down from a ledge on more than one occasion, and I am ever so grateful. So I'm focusing on me now. My mirror work--and there's a lot. 
I am so thankful for each of you all because when nobody understands we can come here and vent and everyone here knows the right things to say. Hugs my friend, I am continuing on with your journey and cheering you on. You are the queen
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1

You'll search for me inside of everyone you're with and I won't be found." R.H. Sin.

M-48
H-46
S27,S21, S16
Married 12/10/1994
Divorced 4/10/2018
23 years of marriage
BD- June 22, 2017 Moved in with OW-June 24th, 2017
Standing although divorced

Offline heroIam

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #7 on: May 08, 2018, 12:18:21 PM »
I'm here!
Welcome to your new thread.
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #8 on: May 08, 2018, 12:57:57 PM »
Welcome to your new thread KIT!!  Keep the focus on you. Nothing good comes from watching the MLCer's swirling crisis.   
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline Watcher

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #9 on: May 08, 2018, 02:52:53 PM »
Attaching KIT

Offline Milly

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #10 on: May 08, 2018, 03:06:39 PM »
I'm here following you Kit! You're doing so well. I'm excited for your new career opportunity and of course, there's that sweet boy of yours. Wouldn't miss your thread.xxx
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D23, D20, S13
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline CanLetGo

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #11 on: May 08, 2018, 03:34:00 PM »
Following KIT, you are handling this with dignity and grace x
Me 44
H 47
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014
OW 17 years younger

Offline handpuppets

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #12 on: May 08, 2018, 05:05:07 PM »
Attaching, KIT. Need to make sure I get my Judgy McJudgy fashion trend fix. 
“Lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining.” -Anne Lamott

Offline Kitty

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #13 on: May 08, 2018, 05:51:38 PM »
Following along in the MLCer fashion blog KIT. ;D
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline Penelope2018

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #14 on: May 08, 2018, 06:03:42 PM »
I'm glad everything is looking up for you. Keep focusing on yourself and your son.

Offline moc

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #15 on: May 08, 2018, 08:24:38 PM »
attaching KIT.  You are strong.  Look away is so true!
M: 47
W: 45
S15 & S11 [from MLCer1]
BD#1: 9/2017
BD#2: 11/2017
no D filed, not seeking action at this time
Separated: 12/2017
OM: EAs up to at least 5 now.  Not sure on PAs.

Online stillbaffled

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #16 on: May 08, 2018, 08:27:49 PM »

WE've been through much heartache and trauma. But we are still here. Not broken. And in many ways, much stronger than before. Stronger than we ever thought we could be. 

One more blessing in my life are my HS friends. You all have talked me down from a ledge on more than one occasion, and I am ever so grateful. So I'm focusing on me now. My mirror work--and there's a lot.


Continuing on with you, KIT. 

Yes indeed, stronger than we ever thought we could be. 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline seahorse

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #17 on: May 09, 2018, 10:40:51 AM »
GREAT new thread KIT; nice summary at the beginning.
We all struggle to do the right thing (look away).
You’ve come so far though.
Keep up the great work.
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starter

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #18 on: May 09, 2018, 12:10:25 PM »
Thank you all so much for following along. It truly means the world to me! ❤️❤️❤️

I know I’m supposed to keep my eyes off my Mlcer. But I do have daily interaction with him and well, I feel compelled to share his fashion choices. 😬

Today was a navy linen suit, pale blue gingham button down shirt, teal tie, white belt and white loafers.

Here’s the thing. I do think he looks good. Except for the MLC beard. And there is a part of me that is sad that he dresses this way for another. That is an assumption I know and could very well be false. Part of my work is to stop this thinking but I need to be honest with myself. Oh I wish I didn’t miss him so much!
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline Kitty

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #19 on: May 09, 2018, 12:20:44 PM »
That actually doesn't sound too bad KIT. Thankfully Grumpy still dresses the same as before. The only difference I see in his appearance is there are days when he says he is too lazy and unmotivated to shave, and other days he's clean shaven. He can't really grow a full beard, he has these patches where hair won't fill in properly, so he shaves before it becomes super noticeable.
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline seahorse

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #20 on: May 09, 2018, 12:50:58 PM »
KIT:  I am sorry you have to see him every day.  That makes it so much more difficult.

That being said, I do love the fashion updates!!

I don’t think he dresses that way for ow.  He dresses that way because it’s new and different.  Probably something he always wanted to do but couldn’t.  Just like tattoos, motorcycles, etc.  It’s him trying to be “new and improved”.  Just keep your sights on you.  That’s what most important, and forget about what’s going on in his head and why he does anything.

Lots of hugs.
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline handpuppets

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #21 on: May 09, 2018, 12:51:33 PM »
The only difference I see in his appearance is there are days when he says he is too lazy and unmotivated to shave, and other days he's clean shaven. He can't really grow a full beard, he has these patches where hair won't fill in properly, so he shaves before it becomes super noticeable.

This made me laugh because you just described Mr. HP to a tee. Totally see it as a sign of their depression.
“Lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining.” -Anne Lamott

Offline waiting4

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #22 on: May 09, 2018, 01:22:59 PM »

  KIT.. I've been told mine goes back and forth between clean shaven, beard, goatee... and dresses like Run DMC, I mean literally black Adidas sweat suit and stupid black hat..LOL... he took OW to key west in 2016 and the moron came back with red white and blue lightening bolt tattoos on each forearm...   
Me-55
H - 55
Adult D- 35
Married 37 yrs. married 33 yrs at time of BD
date of BD  2015
OW- YES, 36 yr old with a 7yr old
H- moved out of our home in  2015 & moved in with OW
H- says doesnt want divorce, wants long term separation. doesnt know what the future holds.
 H- has introduced OW to his family and visits them often with OW.
 H- has introduced OW to a few of our friends.
 Entering 2018. H has not filed for divorce.
He is still living with OW
 If you're going through Hell, keep going

Offline Kitty

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #23 on: May 09, 2018, 01:43:23 PM »
The only difference I see in his appearance is there are days when he says he is too lazy and unmotivated to shave, and other days he's clean shaven. He can't really grow a full beard, he has these patches where hair won't fill in properly, so he shaves before it becomes super noticeable.

This made me laugh because you just described Mr. HP to a tee. Totally see it as a sign of their depression.

It totally is...Grumpy has told me at times, that he doubles up on deodorant because he can't muster up the energy to shower in the morning before work. Luckily he sits at a desk so it's not critical if he doesn't shower, depending on what he's doing the night before.


  KIT.. I've been told mine goes back and forth between clean shaven, beard, goatee... and dresses like Run DMC, I mean literally black Adidas sweat suit and stupid black hat..LOL... he took OW to key west in 2016 and the moron came back with red white and blue lightening bolt tattoos on each forearm...   

I don't think I would be able to stop myself from laughing if Grumpy showed up somewhere dressed like that, even if I heard it second hand.
« Last Edit: May 09, 2018, 01:45:05 PM by Kitty »
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #24 on: May 09, 2018, 09:28:15 PM »
Looking forward to more fashion updates KIT.  Not sure about the white shoes, are they in fashion again?  ;D

You have come a long way and more work has been done on yourself then you know.

((((((Hugs))))))
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline SteelSpine

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #25 on: May 09, 2018, 10:51:09 PM »
Just past the two year mark here too, KIT.

But I didn't have chemo to contend with, geez.
me 54
H 50
S12, S8 & S8
M 1/98

BD 7/16  PA - OW 47, divorced, no children
Separated, 8/16 - I kicked him out

H sleeping on a couch at his business, three blocks from our home.
No legal action possible until immigration issues sorted out.

BD#2 9/17 - OW employed by H

Online Treasur

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #26 on: May 10, 2018, 12:23:00 AM »
2 years ago, after being the worlds meanest shark-eyed avoider who literally stopped saying hello and goodbye to me for around 3 months, all while I was still in chemo, my H of 14 years, partner of 20, told me our marriage was over......I had undergone chemo for the 6 months prior and so physically beat up I just lacked the strength to fight him.
 
I was completely bald, puffy, no eyelashes, no brows, and there was a port protruding from my chest. Not to mention the scars on my breast and underarm from the surgery. I felt ugly and unwanted. Never in my life had I felt so hopeless. 

He couldn't even stay in the house while I transitioned to my radiation. So I worked full time, commuted 2 hours a day, was a full time single parent to a 9 year old and went to radiation treatment every day for 7 weeks.  The outside world would never even suspect the sheer devastation I was feeling at the time. But I am fairly certain I've been in a strange LBS fog up until about a month or 2 ago.

2 years later. I've grown though not as much as I would like. Much more work to be done on me. I still fixate on my H and OW (and whether and to what extent OW is even in his life right now) You see, he now tells me that he loves and wants me back. Wants us to be a family again. But, he still runs. Still avoids. I still have no idea where he lives.  He doesn't tell me these things unless he thinks I am ready to really give up on him. 

I have an exciting oppotunity career wise and I have an amazing son who I worship and adore. I have many wonderful friends and family who I can see and talk to regularly. I have my health. I have a beautiful home. I have so much to be thankful for. So many blessings. Look away from the MLCer--nothing to see there right now.


Kit, I read this and thought OMG, what an extraordinary person you are and how incredibly resilient. When we cope through the worst of times, barely scraping through survival, I think we are in a bit of a fog. It's necessary to just put one foot in front of the other. But, with time, some of the fog memories fade and collapse in on themselves. That is probably healthy, part of healing so we don't live in the pain...but at the same time, it makes it easy to forget just how courageous we were and just how strong that inner spark was that got us through it. Whatever happens now, Kit, you have much to feel proud of in yourself and you have earned your blessings. x
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Milly

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #27 on: May 10, 2018, 04:49:33 AM »
Kit, your H's outfit sounds pretty good today. I know what you mean about feeling jealous that your H is dressing up for the OW and didn't for you. I totally feel like that with my H. However, to turn it positive, at least we're not walking around with our Hs on the days (most) when they're dressed like people with a problem. If my H didn't shag a personal dresser, I'm sure he'd have a medallion.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D23, D20, S13
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Acorn

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #28 on: May 10, 2018, 05:13:28 AM »
May I share with you what I think about his outfits?

He dresses for himself.  If he is trying to impress this person or that by dressing in a certain way, it is in HIS mind, nothing to do with anyone else.  Each one sees and adopts outside motivators for his/her actions but, in the end, those actions show who we are and how we interpreted the world around us, not the motivators.  What I do is not about others.  What others do is not about, or, because of, me.  One of the 4 agreements.

For example, my H wanted extra form fitting dress shirts when he was in high replay.  My first thoughts were ‘How silly can you get’,  ‘He wants to impress OW.’, ‘He wants to look young.’, etc.  I’m not going to lie, it hurt...  I realized in hindsight that the ultimate reason was not OW or ‘youth factor’ in his fashion choices.  It was his teenager brain that focussed on superficiality, a desperate attempt to make himself feel less depressed, and to escape and avoid facing his true self.   When I understood this, I felt sorry for him that he was self medicating this way.  His tight shirts were in the same group as all other silly things he purchased. 

I hope I made sense...
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starter

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #29 on: May 10, 2018, 11:29:33 AM »
Wow I just want to thank you all for your honest and heart felt responses. It’s given me much to contemplate.

One thing that really resonates is the fact that this is not about me at all. I’m a slow learner. Bc even when I pay lip service to the fact that this is “his” journey and not about me, and I even see this in other HS members, I always think the same thing: That its about HIM. HE doesn’t want ME anymore. And then I feel sorry for myself. Well, I’m happy to say that I think I finally do get it. I need to take me out of the equation altogether. That is beyond self centered to make his journey about me. I am constantly on my soap box about how selfish these MLCers are. And they really are. But I’m no better if I make it about me and stay in victim mode. And feeling sorry for myself takes focus off my son, whose pain is likely 10 times mine.

So based on so much advice I’ve received, I’m going to start to pray in earnest that God grant me peace, forgiveness, unconditional love, understanding and grace. That I will release my bitterness and focus on my beautiful boy. That I appreciate all that I have and that it is all I need right now.

I’m heading out of town today to hang with some of my bffs from college. I needed to be away on mother’s day bc it is still painful to think of what happened 2 years ago. But I’m definitely in a better place. And I’m reminded that although I never lost touch with my friends, we all got busy and didn’t really spend much time together. Boy have we made up for that in the last 2 years. The 6 of us have gotten together more  than we have in 10 years. I rallied the troops bc I needed them and they were there for me. Never would have happened in this same manner but for MLC.

Today begins my new journey of bettering myself. And for me it means to take the focus off of my pain and suffering, and negativity in general. I want to be a better mom, sister, daughter and friend. And that takes much humility and patience. Hoping and praying I’m up for the challenge.

Thanks again my fellow HS warriors. We all have such similar stories but face many different challenges. I don’t think mine is any harder than most—in fact reading some of your stories makes me realize that you are some of the strongest and most amazing people around. And I draw much inspiration from that. Thank you for continuing on my journey and allowing me to be a part of yours.
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline heroIam

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #30 on: May 10, 2018, 01:19:42 PM »
One thing that really resonates is the fact that this is not about me at all. I’m a slow learner. Bc even when I pay lip service to the fact that this is “his” journey and not about me, and I even see this in other HS members, I always think the same thing: That its about HIM. HE doesn’t want ME anymore. And then I feel sorry for myself. Well, I’m happy to say that I think I finally do get it. I need to take me out of the equation altogether. That is beyond self centered to make his journey about me. I am constantly on my soap box about how selfish these MLCers are. And they really are. But I’m no better if I make it about me and stay in victim mode. And feeling sorry for myself takes focus off my son, whose pain is likely 10 times mine.


Good reminder KIT, and I absolutely agree.  And know that at least for me, I need these reminders more often than I'd like.  I'm going to paste what you said on my wall in my Inspiration room at home!   Have a great time with your college friends.  Big hugs.
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline Acorn

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #31 on: May 11, 2018, 04:08:41 AM »
Dear KIT, you just made me shed a tear or two...  I read it as a moving testimony to your own growth and strength.  The following quotes from your post particularly resonated with me as I made them the cornerstones of my life. 

! need to take me out of the equation altogether.

And feeling sorry for myself takes focus off my son, whose pain is likely 10 times mine.

I’m going to start to pray in earnest that God grant me peace, forgiveness, unconditional love, understanding and grace. That I will release my bitterness and focus on my beautiful boy. That I appreciate all that I have and that it is all I need right now.

And for me it means to take the focus off of my pain and suffering, and negativity in general. I want to be a better mom, sister, daughter and friend. And that takes much humility and patience.
 

Once I realized that my anger and bitterness came from the past which I had no control over, it was easier to release them bit by bit.  O yes, the remnant are still there but that’s OK because there is no such thing as perfection in this life. 

I hazard a guess that your strong and wise mindset at the time of the lastest posting will come and go but eventually there will be more ‘come’s than ‘go’s.  It just take TIME and a lot of practice - one element you can’t control, but the other, you can.   I admire you because you took the option of thinking and working on yourself using the TIME you have been given when there was an option to sit on your hands and repeatedly sigh, ‘ah, poor me’.  In the end, we all make choice to use TIME wisely or NOT. 

((((((HUGS))))))


Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline Reallytrying

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #32 on: May 11, 2018, 05:16:35 AM »
Have a wonderful weekend away KIT. You are a strong, beautiful woman! Happy mother’s day to you!

Offline Kanvan

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #33 on: May 11, 2018, 05:18:33 PM »
Kit, I think you are an amazing and strong lady. You go enjoy your weekend and your S is blessed to have a mother like you my friend. You are doing great girl!
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1

You'll search for me inside of everyone you're with and I won't be found." R.H. Sin.

M-48
H-46
S27,S21, S16
Married 12/10/1994
Divorced 4/10/2018
23 years of marriage
BD- June 22, 2017 Moved in with OW-June 24th, 2017
Standing although divorced

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #34 on: May 13, 2018, 10:05:55 PM »
Great post KIT, I also have certain parts of this crisis it took me ages to 'get'.  I am glad you had an 'ah-ha' moment too ;D

It feels so much better when we finally get a clear understanding of what is actually going on.

Enjoy finding out who you are and going on your journey of bettering yourself.  I am sure you have already done that, it just takes a long time to see how much we have grown.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline seahorse

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #35 on: May 14, 2018, 12:10:28 PM »
KIT:  Let us know you’re doing.
You haven’t posted in a week...
Sending you good thoughts and hugs.
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline Milly

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #36 on: May 14, 2018, 01:28:47 PM »
Kit, you are one great, amazing, lovely, we love you, have I said that already? lady! And your beautiful son is this way because of you.

I also loved what Acorn said, she makes it so understandable. What a great attitude you have, Kit. I hope your weekend with your old mates was great.
Millyxxxxx
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D23, D20, S13
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #37 on: May 15, 2018, 07:47:07 AM »
Attaching
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10203.msg671589#msg671589

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #38 on: May 15, 2018, 08:19:42 AM »
I think it might be your birthday today!! I hope you are having a wonderful day and doing something special for yourself!!
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline heroIam

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #39 on: May 15, 2018, 09:50:29 AM »
Happy Day, Miss KIT!
 8)
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Online stillbaffled

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #40 on: May 15, 2018, 10:00:32 PM »
Hope you had a great day, KIT! 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starter

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #41 on: May 16, 2018, 11:37:46 AM »
Well once again I am deeply humbled by my HS friends. Your responses are all so thoughtful and supportive. Thank you! I’ve been off HS for a few days so I think I need to catch up on your threads ASAP!

Yesterday was my BDay. I had spent the previous long weekend with friends. Just what the Dr ordered. I had a blast just chitchatting and reminiscing while we indulged in manis, pedis and Botox—lol. Hey I’m 47 now and I’m not giving in to crows feet! Anyway, it was great to just be with my friends and laugh. And we laugh A LOT.

As predicted, Mother’s day was a little harder to get through—both bc of my own mother being deceased, and bc it is technically the 2 year anniversary of BD. I seriously cannot believe it’s been that long! H did get me a mother’s day card before I left with a very generous gift card in it. The card itself read, “My Wife. My Love.” And in it he acknowledged that it was probably weird getting a “wife” card in light of everything that has happened but he loved me and thinks I’m the best mother our boy could ever have. Then my BDay card had more professions of love and the statement that he hoped this next year will be the best ever.  He gave me a great big hug and kiss this Am and told me he loved me....in person. Lol—hasn’t done that in a while.

Anywho, I know better than to read into anything. Just accept and appreciate what he’s done. I won’t lie and say I’m at peace and super happy that he still chooses to stay away despite his words. But looking at the positive side, both cards were sweet and hey, I have a couple awesome gift cards to go get my shop on!

My boy gave me the most wonderful Mother’s Day Gift which was a bunch of short phrases about me all in the shape of a heart and framed. “She loves me more than anything else in the world.” “She loves me even though she doesn’t have a mom anymore.”  “She would do anything for me” “She believes I can donand be anything.” To name a few. Not gonna lie—I was in tears reading them all. Amazing. This will now be what I focus on when I get inside my own head and start my pity parties in the future. I am incredibly blessed.

Thanks everyone.
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline Nevertoomuch85

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #42 on: May 16, 2018, 11:55:50 AM »
That's a great report Kit. Have fun shopping!

Offline heroIam

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #43 on: May 16, 2018, 01:21:32 PM »
What a great update KIT.
Sounds like you had a perfect Bday and Mothers Day.
 8)
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline seahorse

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #44 on: May 16, 2018, 03:24:10 PM »
KIT:  What a sweet S you have...
Nice of H think of you for Mother's Day and your Birthday.
Glad you had a great time with your friends.
Baby steps...

Hugs

Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #45 on: May 17, 2018, 04:09:39 AM »
Glad you got through Mother's Day without too may tears KIT.  Such a tough day for so many.

Your son is a beautiful boy, what a lovely thing to do for you :)
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Kitty

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #46 on: May 17, 2018, 05:46:46 AM »
What a wonderful gift from your son KIT. I'm glad you had a good time with your friends. Trips away are a good idea to get away from MLC madness sometimes. I can't wait for my trip.

Happy Belated Birthday KIT!
« Last Edit: May 17, 2018, 06:50:09 AM by Kitty »
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline Kanvan

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #47 on: May 17, 2018, 06:03:21 AM »
Kit, Happy Belated Birthday!! I hope your day was as great as you and by the sounds of it is was. You are doing great and sound very strong. I said it once but I am going to say it again, your son is blessed to have a mother like you in his life. Great update :)
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1

You'll search for me inside of everyone you're with and I won't be found." R.H. Sin.

M-48
H-46
S27,S21, S16
Married 12/10/1994
Divorced 4/10/2018
23 years of marriage
BD- June 22, 2017 Moved in with OW-June 24th, 2017
Standing although divorced

Online Treasur

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #48 on: May 17, 2018, 06:48:34 AM »
Happy belated birthday from me too xxx
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline CanLetGo

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #49 on: May 18, 2018, 12:39:27 AM »
Happy birthday and happy mother’s day Kit x
Me 44
H 47
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014
OW 17 years younger

Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starter

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #50 on: May 18, 2018, 09:02:45 AM »
Just when I think I’m not detached enough.....

So this am as H is picking up S for school, we engage in the usual superficial banter. H then mentions how he shaved his beard.  :o. Umm yes, apparently he shaved his FULL beard 2 days ago. I hadn’t noticed. And wouldn’t have had he not pointed it out. Lmao. Anywho, onward and upward my HS friends.

Thank you for your continued love and support. I truly appreciate all of you!
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline Nas

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #51 on: May 18, 2018, 10:58:48 AM »
Too funny, KIT.  I bet I wouldn't notice a detail like that on my H either, if I ever saw him.  It's like they're so different now, we stop noticing any changes.
Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

Offline Kanvan

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #52 on: May 18, 2018, 06:30:47 PM »
Kit, mine seems to have lost track of time.He told his mother that he had only been gone away from me and the kids for 6 months, it will be a year next month. He also hasn't seen any of us in over 6 months. You are doing good girl!
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1

You'll search for me inside of everyone you're with and I won't be found." R.H. Sin.

M-48
H-46
S27,S21, S16
Married 12/10/1994
Divorced 4/10/2018
23 years of marriage
BD- June 22, 2017 Moved in with OW-June 24th, 2017
Standing although divorced

Offline No expectations

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #53 on: May 21, 2018, 04:45:17 AM »
Hi KIT, 

I lost track of you for a while, but I'm back!  Too funny about the beard.  You sound good, my friend.
Married 10 1/2 years, together 17.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 49.  OW 23.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #54 on: May 21, 2018, 09:13:12 AM »
You are too focused on his shoes KIT.  ;D  Sorry that might be my fault. 
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline No expectations

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #55 on: May 21, 2018, 10:19:11 AM »
Hi KIT, I haven't been on HS much, and I've fallen behind. I was just reading backwards in your post to try to catch up, and something struck me that made me want to comment. As you may know, my h move back in a few weeks ago. Last night, we were having a conversation, and he said sometimes he can't believe he's really here. He said, he wanted to come home a year ago, but when he hinted at it, I had said, to just make sure he's ready. So he waited. And then he said, there were times he didn't think it would ever happen, and that's what he got really depressed.

I realize every situation is unique, but in my case, it sounds like my h was waiting to be sure that's what I wanted. I wonder if your h might be doing the same? Maybe he thinks he's hinting at it by telling you he loves you?

Just some food for thought.
Married 10 1/2 years, together 17.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 49.  OW 23.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline Milly

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #56 on: May 21, 2018, 11:09:48 AM »
Happy belated Birthday, Kit! Lovely your H got you a gift card and wrote lovely words.

Your sweet S is just too adorable. You are lucky.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D23, D20, S13
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Acorn

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #57 on: May 21, 2018, 11:54:48 AM »
You are too focused on his shoes KIT.  ;D 

Are you short like me?  I notice everyone’s shoes simply because I’m closer to the ground than most people are.  BTW, I found a quarter this morning while walking - advantage of being height challenged.   Short people see everything on the ground!

Jokes aside, NoEx brought up a valuable insight into the mind of MLCer.  I think your H might be fishing for some positive feedback.  You know how these MLCers are.  So bereft of confidence and sense of identity, and guilt-ridden, too.  Grace is never wasted, I’m thinking.  I believe grace is from our innermost being, the ultimate expression of kindness to an undeserving person.  It is imbued with dignity and altruism where as being a doormat is servile and reeks of an ulterior motive to influence the attitude of MLCer.
« Last Edit: May 21, 2018, 11:57:07 AM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #58 on: May 22, 2018, 07:34:08 PM »
Happy belated birthday KIT.  The gift from your son on Mother's Day sounds very lovely. 
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10203.msg671589#msg671589

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starter

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #59 on: May 23, 2018, 08:20:01 AM »
Thank you everyone for your continued support and BDay wishes.

Acorn and NoEx-I think you have something there. I try very hard to have no expectations so even when he tells me things like he wants to come home, or that he loves me and wants me back, I never respond b/c I don't believe him. I suppose if it were me saying those things and he were not responding in any way, I too may think he was over me. So I will try to work on that. But of course my guards being up is natural in this scenario.

H contacted me early Sat am wanting to set up a lunch this week so we could talk. I chose today since I will be working form home. By Sunday noon, I texted him that I really didn't want to meet if he was just going to tell me he wants a D. (Probably not the best aproach) Anyway, he said, he doesn't want a D and that he wants to speak from his heart and that it is all good. That he has been a horrible husband and that he wants to make it right. Ok, so today is the day. Stopped by in the am to pick up S for school and said he would be here by 1.  To say my heart is on rapid beat right now is an understatement. I cannot imagine what he is going to say and I don't want to. And of course I am afraid that he will just cancel last minute again.  So, I'm trying to remain calm. And have no expectations.  And to remember to truly listen to what he says, if he says anything.

ANywho, that  is the latesty. Thank you all for your kindness and support.

 
« Last Edit: May 23, 2018, 08:30:41 AM by KeepItTogether »
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #60 on: May 23, 2018, 08:27:44 AM »
Sending you strength Kit,  what you said about truly listening, and not reacting, that is the important thing. Almost has hard as the no expectations. 
You got this.

Online Insecurity_08

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #61 on: May 23, 2018, 08:30:40 AM »
H contacted me early Sat am wanting to set up a lunch this week so we could talk. I chose today since I will be working form home. By Sunday noon, I texted him that I really didn't want to meet if he was just going to tell me he wants a D. (Probably not the best aproach) Anyway, he said, he doesn't want a D and that he wants to speak from his heart and that it is all good. That he has been a horrible husband and that he wants to make it right. Ok, so today is the day. Stopped by in the am to pick up S for school and said he would be here by 1.  To say my heart is on rapid beat right now is an understatement. I cannot imagine what he is going to say and I don't want to. And of course I am afraid that he will just cancel last minute again.  So, I'm trying to remain calm. And have no expectations.  And to remember to truly listen to what he says, if he says anything.


I'll be hoping he has something decent to tell you. So you can keep on having no expectations! (Thumbs up!)
Me: 33
H: 39
T: 9 M: almost 3
No kids, been trying to conceive for almost 3 years (with a one year break in between)
BD1: December 2017, OW sends inappropriate texts to H. H keeps this a secret until I discover it. Basically EA
March 2018: H claims having doubts about our R
BD2: April 2018: H wants a divorce and ILYBINILWY
A with OW, probably PA but no confirmation. OW is still married
H living at home, not filing for now (might happen in September)

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #62 on: May 23, 2018, 08:30:57 AM »
KiT,

NO Wine with lunch
Remember that "Uh huh," "I see," and "Hmmmmmm" are also good responses
This will be an exercise in Lip-Zipping I'm afraid but....

YOU GOT THIS!

Yes, it will be interesting.... Just see what he has to say.... He's already said that he doesn't want a D, that he wants to make things right....

So, see what he says but, more importantly, WATCH WHAT HE DOES!  Actions, not words....
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Acorn

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #63 on: May 23, 2018, 08:42:15 AM »
Sending you my support, love and  an emergency :-X just in case you need it.
I’ll start praying away for God’s love and grace for both of you.
Yes, you are right, no expectations and really, really listen. 
((((((HUGS)))))))
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #64 on: May 23, 2018, 09:16:02 AM »
Sending good vibes your way KIT. They have four hours to get to you!!
I can only imagine your anxiety. I guess the list of things he could say are pretty limitless. Smile and nod.   
My only suggestion is to make a list of non-negotiable requirements that he would need to abide by to move forward just in case you need it. What does KIT need and want? Because that does count now that you have grown stronger - no more bending yourself into unwanted positions to make MLCers happy. 
Counseling would be on my list.... but you know yourself and what you can tolerate and handle.
I have read several threads where they MLCer comes crawling back only to be shocked that they will not just be let back in - all forgiven.
He has to do the work.
((Hugs))
 
 
   
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline Acorn

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #65 on: May 23, 2018, 09:31:29 AM »
NO Wine with lunch

Totally agree! 
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starter

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #66 on: May 23, 2018, 09:52:16 AM »
NO Wine with lunch

Totally agree!

LMOA--you people know me well. OK. No wine. I promise.

And thank you for your advice. DF--yes I think counseling is a for sure thing in my opinion too.

 :-X
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline Acorn

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #67 on: May 23, 2018, 10:02:56 AM »
Just to keep you calm and collected, imagine all of us from HS sitting at the tables nearby, eavesdropping your convo.
Here we are:  :) ;) :D ;D 8) :-*
Now you be the most strict gatekeeper of your lips!
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline Acorn

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #68 on: May 23, 2018, 10:27:44 AM »
Just in case you didn’t know, I’m sitting under your table! ;D
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #69 on: May 23, 2018, 11:25:28 AM »
A glass of wine after lunch, nothing wrong with that Kit.

Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starter

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #70 on: May 23, 2018, 12:01:40 PM »
A glass of wine after lunch, nothing wrong with that Kit.

Pretty sure I'll need at least 2!
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starter

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #71 on: May 23, 2018, 12:02:09 PM »
Just in case you didn’t know, I’m sitting under your table! ;D

Hahaha Acorn. You are awesome!
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline Milly

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #72 on: May 23, 2018, 12:08:29 PM »
Kit, good luck for today with your H. I hope it's going well. xxx
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D23, D20, S13
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Online Mae

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #73 on: May 23, 2018, 12:10:35 PM »
Hope it all goes well for you KIT, you are so well equipped to handle whatever unfolds, and as we love to say here....you got this.
Me: 50
H: 40
S19, D15
Together for 19 years
BDay in 2004, 2011 and now March 5 2017
Ran away on 5 March BD
No OW
Returned home 'underdone' 1 July 2017.
Left again 22 October 2017.
H - Silent and non-communicative
Me - Letting go and moving forward

Offline Shining Star

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #74 on: May 23, 2018, 12:22:37 PM »
I hope that you are able to let him talk and not interject with too much relationship talk.  I wasn't and I am divorced - as you know.  Now, I had little say, but I don't think I was helpful when he came to me and I bombarded him with all my fear, anger, rejection and insecurity.  I wish I had just sat silent and let him say what he needed to say.  Probably would not have changed the outcome, but like most of us, I re-play in my head all of my behavior..... wondering and wondering, if it could be different.
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17; final divorce 3/14/17.

Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starter

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #75 on: May 23, 2018, 12:46:11 PM »
Well as I half way suspected, he flaked. Said he has to be back in court for a prelim. Who knows. I just responded with “OK.” Not gonna lie. I’m disappointed.

Anyway thanks for your advice all. If the scared little kitten ever actually makes his way over to me in person, other than an am pickup for S11, I will be prepared.

Shining—we all do that. And really who is to say? They have to go through the process. What we do/say may make a difference. Or they might not even notice at all.

Anyway, onward and upward.
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline seahorse

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #76 on: May 23, 2018, 12:48:24 PM »
KIT:
Following, but maybe late to the party!
I'll say prayers for peace and unconditional love for the meeting when it does happen.
No monkey braining about or assumptions about the cancellation.
Like you said; you're ready.

Have that wine anyway!  ;)

Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline heroIam

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #77 on: May 23, 2018, 02:38:53 PM »
KIT,
Sorry H flaked.  Hoping it was a legitimate excuse and will reschedule or make more of an effort.
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #78 on: May 23, 2018, 02:51:39 PM »
Gee he bailed. I am more disappointed in myself for thinking he would show this time. Oh well, time for a glass of wine.
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline Milly

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #79 on: May 23, 2018, 03:06:29 PM »
Oh, Kit, I had expectations!! Anyway, I guess it was a good rehearsal for you!
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D23, D20, S13
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starter

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #80 on: May 23, 2018, 04:22:08 PM »
You guys are the best. I was feeling a little sorry for myself but I think I’m over it. Well maybe not all the way. I found out a friend of mine was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. She hasn’t told anyone and the only reason I know is bc we have the same cleaning lady. I reached out and told her I was here for her if she wanted/needed but understood her need for privacy too. Initially she was kind in her response but basically blew me off. Then decided she did want to meet so she’s coming over for wine tonight. Makes me realize my problems are tiny. And my blessings are many. Thank you guys!!
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline No expectations

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #81 on: May 23, 2018, 04:42:37 PM »
KIT,

It doesn't really matter if it was a legitimate reason or the kitten just got scared.  As you know, it's all about the actions anyway.

If, and when, H feels safeel enough, and the time is right, you may have that conversation.  Or not.  I've found, with my h back at home, I don't need any deep conversation about what transpired.   I know he's home because he wants to be. And his actions,  so far, show it. 

There are no words to change what happened,  what he put you through.   And only you can decide if you want to take another shot at things with h.  So keep on being the best YOU that you can, and see what the kitten does.

In the meantime,  big, big hugs to your friend. Yes, cancer is way way bigger than any MLC.   probably why MLC couldn't beat us,  we've been through far worse. And won!
Married 10 1/2 years, together 17.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 49.  OW 23.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline handpuppets

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #82 on: May 23, 2018, 04:54:05 PM »
Damnit, like Milly, I had expectations too! I suspect he'll be back. Keep being your open and loving self.
“Lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining.” -Anne Lamott

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #83 on: May 24, 2018, 01:40:08 AM »
Found a pic of him.... Doin' the Fade....



But, I'm with hero on this one... I can see this...



<snort>
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online stillbaffled

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #84 on: May 24, 2018, 08:40:32 PM »
I'm just getting caught up but wanted to let you know that I still travel along with you on the journey. 

I hope your friend felt supported and encouraged by her visit with you.  You're right - she's got some challenges to face. 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline Reallytrying

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #85 on: May 25, 2018, 04:28:04 AM »
Getting caught up - wish he hadn’t flaked but that advance-retreat thing seems to be a consistent pattern around here. Hang in there!

Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starter

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #86 on: May 29, 2018, 11:01:06 AM »
UM—love those gifs!! Lmao!

I had kind of a rough, roller coastery, weekend. Started off with H proclaiming that he “forgot he had me blocked from his phone” all week. This was the same week where he was going to allegedly pour his heart out to me. But then cancelled last minute. I was pretty devastated bc blocking me is such a major “Firetruck You.” He then tells me that he has to go to a conference for work and that he wouldn’t be back until The following Friday. Meanwhile S went to a lacrosse camp all weekend. H and I are on a group text with the coach that drove the kids to get updates all weekend but of course H never sees my replies bc I AM STILL BLOCKED!!!!!  I was so enraged bc I assume (I know!) that he is with OW and that is why I was blocked. I just don’t understand how he can do quickly move from “I love you and want you back” to blocking all contact.

So, bc I’m me, I emailed him and told him that I’m getting a lot of attention from men lately and that I was going to accept one or  two of the invites. Again, I know. This was me poking and prodding for some reassurance. Which of course, I get to some extent. “You mean way more to me than you know. And please don’t date anyone!”  Yep, guess my rightful place is up on that shelf where every Mlcer wants their loyal lbs. sigh

I know I shouldn’t have said a damn word. I know this. But I got my hopes up with the previous 2 weeks professioms of love and wanting to make it work. And then to turn around almost instantly cut me out. Just basically tore my heart out all over again. I know it’s typical MLC script. But it sure does hurt.

Ok renewed promise to myself. Stop contacting H. He still has me blocked though I’m not totally sure bc I haven’t even tried to contact him. If he contacts me in the next few days, I’m not really sure how to respond, if at all. He’s back on Friday and will be by to pick up S for school. It’s the last day of the school year and I think I’ll make a new rule that I will take S to MILs before I go to work in the summer months. If he wants to see S during that time he will have to work it out with her. I need some distance from him. I need to detach from the crazy once and for all.

Thanks everyone!
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline Tyks

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #87 on: May 29, 2018, 11:21:01 AM »
Hi kit, o really do agree that you need to detach from this craziness. He just plays you like a fiddle, unfortunately.   I know that you want him and your life back but you are not going to get it if you keep making yourself "available" to him.  He just won't get that he may lose you forever.

It is probably a good idea for you to drop s off every am instead of h picking him up. He has the best of both worlds right now so why should he change ?
Me 48
Him 48
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out
D15 D18
April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce
Divorce final February 12 2018

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8823.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9005.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9120.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9279.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9649.msg635725#msg635725

Offline seahorse

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #88 on: May 29, 2018, 12:56:57 PM »
KIT:  He’s getting closer, just not ready yet. 
I am sure you hurt - blocking his phone is ridiculous - Oh yeah, it’s MLC.

I get where you’re coming from because I don’t think my H cares that I have a life, picked up new hobbies, etc.  BUT, if I started dating, it would be a HUGE deal to him.  Put me back on a shelf right next to you, evidently.

Be strong, detach, breathe.  The MIL drop off is a good idea, maybe more of an inconvenience for you though.

Best of luck and I’m sorry he did a 180 on you - hopefully it’s short lived.

Hugs
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Online Mae

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #89 on: May 29, 2018, 02:06:34 PM »
Hey KIT,

This sure is becoming very familiar territory for you, this push-pull dynamic of drawing you in and then pushing you away. No matter how much we tell ourselves not to have any expectations, I think it is almost impossible not to.

Another punch to the gut....I'm sorry KIT.

Keep striving for detachment. Pick yourself up and keep going KIT.

Me: 50
H: 40
S19, D15
Together for 19 years
BDay in 2004, 2011 and now March 5 2017
Ran away on 5 March BD
No OW
Returned home 'underdone' 1 July 2017.
Left again 22 October 2017.
H - Silent and non-communicative
Me - Letting go and moving forward

Offline heroIam

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #90 on: May 29, 2018, 02:14:40 PM »
Hey KIT.
Yep, that favorite word we keep hearing.  Detach.
Does anyone have a "how to" booklet??    :P
At least your H expresses he still wants you, even though he doesn't quite act on it.  ::)
Makes me mad that he is playing this immature game. 


 
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline Acorn

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #91 on: May 29, 2018, 02:43:25 PM »
Oh, KIT...  I’m so sorry you were at the receiving end of his ‘insanity’.  How else could you describe the blocking and, most bizzardly, telling you that he did.  Not only that, who says ‘I forgot I had blocked you’ to the person that you’ve been blocking?!  This is all supposing that he is telling the truth.   You can’t do a thing about him (and his phone!) so we might as well have some fun speculating what might actually have happened. 

1. He blocked you because he felt too guity about chickening out of the ‘talk’ to be in contact with you.
2. He couln’t find his phone.  Fill in the blank: It was ________  (We can have some fun with this.)
3. His mommy confiscated it for spending too much time playing silly games on it.
4. The phone divorced him.
5. He dropped the phone in the toilet and it is kaput now.
6. He put it in the oven with pizza pockets for supper.
7. He used it in a lacrosse game instead the ball.
8. He used it as a buckle on his colourful belt and forgot where he put it.

Seriously though, KIT, none of this makes sense to a sane adult. As you know, it is not about you or what you did.  On the other hand, you, the sane one, realized what you said to him was about you, not him. 

Well, the silver lining in this phone saga is that you have yet another proof (‘don’t date’ request) he wants you to stay exactly where he left you.  To borrow UM’s words, ‘sitting in a rocking chair on the front porch and knitting doilies.’   If you had any doubt about his status quo expectations of you before, it’s confirmed beyond any doubt.

He has proven something else as well: MLCers are trail blazers and experts in Dim and NC...

Strength, KIT! 
((((((HUGS))))))))
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Online stillbaffled

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #92 on: May 29, 2018, 05:31:36 PM »
I think your idea of having your S at your MIL's for your MLCer to see is a good idea. 

He's hard on your emotions, KIT.   It's time for you to take the upper hand and keep KIT on a more even keel. 

Sending support and encouragement. 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #93 on: May 30, 2018, 02:00:10 AM »
Uhmmmmm Acorn?

Reason 3 would be for Mortesbride's BeastieBoy - (Mommy says.....)

And it is Crocheting doilies!  If you tell a knitter that, they will stab you with their knitting needles!

KiT, we couldn't make this stuff up if we tried... He is SO far out there  s to be nearly undetectable...

I LOVE the idea of going VERY dark with H... If he has you blocked, then he won't notice.. If he does NOT have you blocked, he will certainly notice... In either case, it is better for you... In case A, he won't reply anyway so it is a waste of YOUR time and effort.. In case B, he might then have to do some of the work to pursuit YOU instead of the other way around...

He will most likely NOT follow through on anything anyway while he is off in Lala Land but at least you can maximize/focus on yourself and S...

Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Milly

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #94 on: May 30, 2018, 02:07:30 AM »
Loved Acorn's: The phone divorced him! Yes, it's always someone else's fault.

Kit, hope you're cycling less today. A little dim contact might help you get balanced again. Personally, if you see him at S drop off/pick up, I would act like the phone blockage had no effect on you, or was actually good for you. Although, you'd hope his phone would allow you to contact him if it were about S.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D23, D20, S13
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Acorn

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #95 on: May 30, 2018, 05:25:25 AM »
And it is Crocheting doilies!  If you tell a knitter that, they will stab you with their knitting needles!

Misquoting UM or incorrectly naming the handicraft will result in a serious poke!  ;D

KIT, I do concur with several people here that going Dim or Dark would be nice for you...  Your H has shown you how to: cut the communication off whenever you need and want, and in a most nonchalant way.  We can all use some respite from these emotional attacks, intentional or not.  I’m telling ya, these MLCers can at times be emotional terrorists!  >:( Go put some distance between you and him for the sake of your emotional safety. 

(((((((HUGS)))))))))
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #96 on: May 30, 2018, 05:26:46 AM »
KIT
I hate your H is playing silly games. The true answer is probably number 1. He didn't have the gonads to answer any questions as to why he chickened out.
KIT, you mentioned dating, some of the other LBS have too. I never did. I thought about it, ALOT. But never did. But my W thought I did. KIT, why not just go out, dress up. No date, but he may think you are.
I knkw we are not supposed to play games. I'm not saying play anything, this is real. I think as long as you are just sitting around in a baggy t-shirt and sweat pants, laying on the couch, eating chocolate and watching endless chik flicks, of course he will feel safe acting as goof ball. I'm not saying your doing that KIT. Just an example.
I did it, not on purpose. But After a month or so, the questions starting coming. Now I told her, I most definetly did not have anybody else,  and didn't want one either.  But I kept going, kept looking nice when I did too.
That helped me with the detaching also. Hell,  block his number.
KIT, I'm not saying go bar hopping,  you can if you want though, ha. But you may just be the best dressed woman in Wal-Mart, ha.

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #97 on: May 30, 2018, 04:38:22 PM »
I am in no mood for this today. I seriously want to throat punch your H. Blocked? Grow the freak up. What if there was an emergency with S? I love you more than you will ever know but I blocked you? What a tool. Just plain disrespect. It is time for some new rules...
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starter

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #98 on: June 04, 2018, 11:46:11 AM »
DF—I’m dying at the throat punch comment! Thanks for making me laugh!

And thank you everyone for your thoughtful and heart felt comments of support and advice. I read your replies over and over. It truly is life saving on some days.

I’ve been down in the dumps following that last correspondence with H. Yes, he did reaffirm his desire that I remain on the shelf. But knowing, or assuming, he was with OW on some vaycay really felt like a gut punch especially in light of his most recent “Touch” Attempt. But I was a good girl and didn’t contact him all week. He returned Thursday night and would be getting S for school the next am. I had it all planned to leave the house 10 minutes early so I would avoid him. But he always seems to know when I’m doing things like this. Or perhaps my silence alerted his senses bc he showed up 15 minutes early. Which he NEVER does. Ug. I was already at the car. So S got out and I handed H S’s stuff for his party over the gate, gave instructions on same, was polite but aloof, and turned around to get back into my car. He looked like a deer in headlights. Mind you, this is the first time he’s seen S in a week. And he was just taking him to school and dropping him—a5 minute bonding experience apparently.

So I did my usual weekend activities—had lots going on. A couple summer parties. All with friends and S11 in tow. Then I get the email from H Sunday am—7:15 am to be exact.

H: “I know I have no right to tell you what to do but I know I hurt you and I hate it that u went on a date. I firetrucked everything up and I don’t know how to fix it.”

Yeah, I guess I may have let that latest comment of mine linger. That I was going to start dating. Oooopsie. Nice to know he agonized over it.

But of course, 2 wrongs don’t make a right. So I responded

Me:   “I didn’t go on any date H. I was hurt and wanted to hurt you. It was wrong of me to say that.  But I wouldn’t do that to our son right now. He needs me more than ever bc he lost you. But. It can be fixed. Everything can.”

H: “I want to fix it and I will.”

UmmmmmmHmmmmm. His heart is there. This I know. But—still cooking. My first act of further detachment is (thanks to all of your good advice) that I will bring S to MILs directly. I told H if he wanted to see S that he could arrange with mil. So now I won’t have to see him every day this summer. I know this will help me. S will also be gone on a trip with my inlaws for 2 weeks, followed by another week and a half with me in Philly. So H won’t see him for almost a month. Or me for that matter. This will be good for me.

But I’m sure H will work hard to keep me on that shelf. Would be nice if he’d work as hard on fixing himself. Oh well. It’s his journey. And I’ve got mine too. I’m already feeling better. Actually I think I felt so bad bc I knew H thought I was serious about dating. And as much as he has hurt me, I don’t want to mislead him on where I am. And I don’t want to play games. If I do meet someone who I am interested in, I’m not sure what I’d do. But that hasn’t happened yet. So I’ll stay right where I am, trying to live in the moment and enjoy my 11 year old boy while he is still 11.

Thank you all for following and encouraging. It means the world to me.

Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #99 on: June 04, 2018, 11:55:50 AM »
You sound good Kit. Yes, enjoy your son.
Please dont live like a woman on the shelf, I know you won't.
Good that H sees he is wrong. Hopefully, he will act as he is wrong.

Offline seahorse

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #100 on: June 04, 2018, 04:59:22 PM »
Good spirits KIT!
Keep being string, and I'm sure H appreciates your honesty and sincerity, even though he may not be able to show you as much.]

Glad you're going to have time with S11.  They do grow so fast.

I can't believe I'll be an empty nester in 2 years!  Ugh!

Hugs
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Online Mae

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #101 on: June 04, 2018, 05:12:41 PM »
Hey KIT,

I don't know that I would have set the dating record straight, I would have let my H stew on it endlessly, but I do admire your honesty about it.

Good for you KIT to keep moving forward with detachment and leaving him to work on what he needs to.

His "I want to fix it and I will".......well I think you have heard that a few times now and know it means nothing if it's not coupled with direct and planned action. My H promised to 'fix' things too, but never managed to even start before he ran away again. If he can't formulate a plan to repair and doesn't even know where to start, that to me, is a sure indication he has work to do on himself.

Keep up the good work :)
Me: 50
H: 40
S19, D15
Together for 19 years
BDay in 2004, 2011 and now March 5 2017
Ran away on 5 March BD
No OW
Returned home 'underdone' 1 July 2017.
Left again 22 October 2017.
H - Silent and non-communicative
Me - Letting go and moving forward

Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starter

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #102 on: June 05, 2018, 02:22:01 PM »
Helping—thanks! I don’t want to live like that but seems almost like a default since I’m pretty much sole parent to our son, this ensuring I can’t really date. I do go out with the girls every so often, but most social activities are more family oriented. And of course H never volunteers to watch S who he misses so much he cries every day. Yeah, ok.

Sea—that’s the thing. I always think, “S11 is 11 only once.” And H missed most of 9 and all of 10. I want to point that out to him but of course it wall fall on deaf ears. He will acknowledge his failures. Lots of self deprecation. No action. He knows he’s kind of a loser now so I don’t point it out any more. But it’s sad. For H, but more for S11 who doesn’t have a choice but n the matter.

Mae— yep I’ve heard it all. I know he knows the deal. Just can’t seem to do anything. Well, I’m taking your fine influence and I’m letting him go. It’s take a while and I’m sure I’ll regress. But those moments have been fewer and far between. I can definitely see that I’ve gotten better. Just wish I wasn’t so sad about it.

So S starts a new lacrosse team today. Not his idea and (once again) H didn’t tell him he was signing him up. S is livid. So I told S that he has to go the 2 practices this week and the tournament this weekend and then that’s it for the summer. I told H the same. Well, I really just told him I would support him this week but that he can deal with S next week on whether he wants to continue but that I wouldn’t make S do anything. This is the second time Hs lack of communication with S has forced  me into the role of advocate for this. Bc of course H only communicates with S via text. Totally norm. And now I’m done. H doesn’t get to make any plans for S anymore without a 3 way discussion all at the same time and in the same room. Well he can make the plans but I’m not going to have any role, and I won’t enforce it either.

There are just so many things I want to say to H that I can’t. And that just sucks. I’m on Day 2 of not seeing H in the morning  and I’m feeling better. Except I have to see him when he drops off S tonight after practice. After this weekend that will end too. Wonder how H will be a dad without lacrosse? Sometimes I’m just so disappointed in him. Trying to find that compassion and grace but it’s a struggle today.

Thanks for listening.
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline Acorn

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #103 on: June 05, 2018, 04:15:58 PM »
I can feel your exasperation through the cyber space, KIT.
If you were ever in doubt that there is this thing called MLC fog, this signing up business proves it beyond any doubt.  Knowing this does not help you here and now... 

A 3-way discussion sounds like a very practical boundary you can set.  No discussion, nothin’ happening.  He can sign S up all he likes.  For lacrosse, soccer, tennis, a Tupperware party, or an Everest expedition team.  However, if he doesn’t have S’s and your agreement, KAPUT!

I totally understand it is difficult to find compassion and grace, KIT.   He keeps messing up and you are left to deal with the fallout.  If I may, please.  Picking S up for that 5min ride to school and being involved in their common interest, lacrosse, are the only things he knows, and capable of, to maintain a tenuous R with S and keep his memories of former life alive.    He just can’t do any more. I think He is really doing what he can.  Don’t get mad at me, KIT!
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Online Mae

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #104 on: June 06, 2018, 01:11:09 AM »
@ Acorn.....as if KIT would ever get mad at you.  ;D Good comment though re: Mr KIT.....that he is doing all that he can, which granted isn't a lot, but it IS something (there you go again Acorn, extending compassion and grace to the MLCers).

Quote
Sometimes I’m just so disappointed in him. Trying to find that compassion and grace but it’s a struggle today.

Yep hear you! We may in time learn not to have expectations of our H for ourselves....I think though we struggle even more when we let ourselves have expectations of our H in regards to our kids as well.
Me: 50
H: 40
S19, D15
Together for 19 years
BDay in 2004, 2011 and now March 5 2017
Ran away on 5 March BD
No OW
Returned home 'underdone' 1 July 2017.
Left again 22 October 2017.
H - Silent and non-communicative
Me - Letting go and moving forward

Offline Kanvan

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #105 on: June 06, 2018, 01:29:56 PM »
Kit, I have heard those same words about wanting to fix things and how he had messed things up so bad, blah blah blah. I finally told him the last time, if you really wanted to fix things then why haven't you brought anything to the table to show me. I followed up with actions speak louder than words and I see your mouth moving but that is it. You are doing good girl and I do think detaching is the key. I too, have went no contact with mine. Blocking you?? really? I have to agree with DF, he needs a throat punch. Sending hugs to you girl! You got this sweet girl!
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1

You'll search for me inside of everyone you're with and I won't be found." R.H. Sin.

M-48
H-46
S27,S21, S16
Married 12/10/1994
Divorced 4/10/2018
23 years of marriage
BD- June 22, 2017 Moved in with OW-June 24th, 2017
Standing although divorced

Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starter

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #106 on: June 06, 2018, 04:48:07 PM »
Oh Acorn I’m so mad at you. Lol. Never. And of course you did remind me that grace and compassion go much further than bitterness and resentment. So thank you. You are right—H is a mess and trying to find his way. Inconvenient though it may be for me, it is all still doable.

Mae—yes it was those expectations that got me to this point to begin with. Detach already!

Kan—there’s that throat punch again. Lmao. Love it. Yes they do make those promises don’t they. I truly believe they mean it at the time. Just lack the skills to implement.

H texted (yes texted) me yesterday to tell me that S was having a good time at practice. I really wanted to respond with, well.....I wanted to block him!!! But. Alas. I’m the adult. So I just responded. I was friendly but aloof. When he dropped S at home he was super nervous. I was in the living room. He came to give me a goodbye hug and kiss but I pulled away. I let him have a tiny hug. But I couldn’t just act like nothing had happened over the preceding 2 weeks.  But I was still nice. Smiled. Engaged in conversation. But I’m hurt too and I have to be somewhat authentic. Just shows the crazy of it all.

So now I have to go to the lacrosse tournament this weekend which is 2 hours away from where I live. And we have to be there at 7 am. Awesome. I think S and I will have to take a little road trip adventure and stay near the venue. Doesn’t hurt that the tournament is in Sonoma County (that’s wine country!!!!)  Silver lining. 😁

Thanks everyone. You do keep me grounded and I do do very much appreciate it!
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #107 on: June 06, 2018, 05:21:30 PM »
Caught up KIT.  The more I read about the actions of our MLCers, the more I just shake my head.   :o
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10203.msg671589#msg671589

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline Reallytrying

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #108 on: June 06, 2018, 05:23:18 PM »
KIT - hang in there. Nothing wrong with being authentic in your behavior. H hurt you. You can communicate that while still showing grace. I think taking a road trip with S sounds like a fabulous idea!

Online Mae

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #109 on: June 06, 2018, 06:22:53 PM »

Yes they do make those promises don’t they. I truly believe they mean it at the time. Just lack the skills to implement.


Same I think they have the best of intentions when they say 'x, y z',  they just get caught up at the beginning of 'a, b, c.....or perhaps further l, m, n'...never quite makng it to the end of the alphabet.
Me: 50
H: 40
S19, D15
Together for 19 years
BDay in 2004, 2011 and now March 5 2017
Ran away on 5 March BD
No OW
Returned home 'underdone' 1 July 2017.
Left again 22 October 2017.
H - Silent and non-communicative
Me - Letting go and moving forward

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #110 on: June 06, 2018, 06:31:58 PM »
Nothing wrong with being real Kit.
He needs too know that you are hurt. We can be nice, and  caring without being fake.
Hang in there Kit, enjoy the tournament, and a glass of wine, ha.

Offline Ropeburn

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #111 on: June 06, 2018, 07:35:39 PM »
Catching up kit xoxo and coming along
We are never so defenseless against suffering as when we love,never so helplessly unhappy  as when we have lost our love object or its love
Sigmund Freud

Online stillbaffled

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #112 on: June 06, 2018, 08:23:32 PM »

So now I have to go to the lacrosse tournament this weekend which is 2 hours away from where I live. And we have to be there at 7 am. Awesome. I think S and I will have to take a little road trip adventure and stay near the venue. Doesn’t hurt that the tournament is in Sonoma County (that’s wine country!!!!)  Silver lining. 😁


Oh oh!  KIT in wine country this weekend?!  With her phone?!   :o

After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline Ropeburn

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #113 on: June 06, 2018, 08:42:36 PM »
Still
  Lmao I just spit beer ever where...at least my phone is dead
We are never so defenseless against suffering as when we love,never so helplessly unhappy  as when we have lost our love object or its love
Sigmund Freud

Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starter

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #114 on: June 06, 2018, 09:34:06 PM »
Still—I know right? I may have to hide my phone fro myself. 😬
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #115 on: June 07, 2018, 01:37:37 AM »

So now I have to go to the lacrosse tournament this weekend which is 2 hours away from where I live. And we have to be there at 7 am. Awesome. I think S and I will have to take a little road trip adventure and stay near the venue. Doesn’t hurt that the tournament is in Sonoma County (that’s wine country!!!!)  Silver lining. 😁


Oh oh!  KIT in wine country this weekend?!  With her phone?!   :o



Still—I know right? I may have to hide my phone fro myself. 😬

Friends don't let friends text while wining.... Just turn it off and leave it in the room or, in the altered words of American Express, Yes, just leave the hotel without it!
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline heroIam

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #116 on: June 07, 2018, 07:00:05 AM »

Oh oh!  KIT in wine country this weekend?!  With her phone?!   :o

This is funny SB!
KIT, wish I were tagging along.   ;)

I certainly don't get many if any, text messages from H.  But sometimes it's just healthy to turn off the phone and not have to look at it for 24 hours!  OK, 12 hours.  OK, 6 hours.
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #117 on: June 07, 2018, 07:53:10 AM »
These sports are a killer. All the basketball practices have been cancelled this week because they are using the gym as a polling place - so I have seen LB exactly zero time this week. It is like a peaceful heaven.  Also, no games this weekend. A whole week break from the LB madness.  But, as you point out, no basketball - no relationship.

I have had an email exchange with H that was similar to your three way conversation boundary - you can make plans, but if you don't check with me and the kids first and there is a conflict you are out of luck buddy. It was like he couldn't wrap his head around the fact that the kids and I have plans months ahead of time. He kept saying but I gave you three DAYS notice - um... well we had these plans three months ago.  Should have checked first.

He blocks you on his phone and still wants hugs and kisses? What the what?  I am not even going there because it is going to end up with a throat punch.

Oh wine country - now you have me wanting mexican food at some quaint little outdoor eating area with lots of doggies to pet while eating chips and salsa and a trip over to the Russian River.  But alas I am Jersey. 

         
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline Kanvan

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #118 on: June 07, 2018, 08:48:27 AM »
Kit, totally agree with DF about the throat punch. They never fail to amaze me. Enjoy the lacrosse tournament and wine country :)
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1

You'll search for me inside of everyone you're with and I won't be found." R.H. Sin.

M-48
H-46
S27,S21, S16
Married 12/10/1994
Divorced 4/10/2018
23 years of marriage
BD- June 22, 2017 Moved in with OW-June 24th, 2017
Standing although divorced

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #119 on: June 07, 2018, 03:38:01 PM »
It was so nice not to have cell service on the ship.  No interruptions from reality, and I was able to drink some beverages without being in fear of texting anything inappropriate.   :P

I agree KIT, leave the phone at the hotel!  Or, block him like he blocked you.   :-X
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10203.msg671589#msg671589

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #120 on: June 07, 2018, 10:29:02 PM »
Let's all go on a holiday together without cell phone connection and have a wonderful time without the craziness of MLC and stupid spouses who didn't know they were on a good wicket BEFORE they left us.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Milly

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #121 on: June 08, 2018, 12:08:11 AM »
Kit, I hope you have a lovely weekend in Sonoma and that your S's team does well. xxx
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D23, D20, S13
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #122 on: June 08, 2018, 04:34:52 AM »
Let's all go on a holiday together without cell phone connection and have a wonderful time without the craziness of MLC and stupid spouses who didn't know they were on a good wicket BEFORE they left us.

Maldives.... No shoes, no news, no cell service!
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Kitty

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #123 on: June 08, 2018, 05:54:33 AM »
Let's all go on a holiday together without cell phone connection and have a wonderful time without the craziness of MLC and stupid spouses who didn't know they were on a good wicket BEFORE they left us.

Maldives.... No shoes, no news, no cell service!

Sounds like a plan to me!
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starter

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #124 on: June 08, 2018, 08:36:31 AM »
Let's all go on a holiday together without cell phone connection and have a wonderful time without the craziness of MLC and stupid spouses who didn't know they were on a good wicket BEFORE they left us.

Maldives.... No shoes, no news, no cell service!

Sounds like a plan to me!

I’m in!
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starter

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #125 on: June 08, 2018, 09:07:36 AM »
Need some advice please. H is back to wanting me back again. I know actions are what he needs to do. But my question is this. He keeps saying he wants to fix things but doesn’t know how. What do I say to that? He is asking for my help. But honestly I don’t know what to say. You know, other than he probably should break up with the bailiff.  ::)

Thank you everyone!
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline Kitty

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #126 on: June 08, 2018, 09:44:00 AM »
Is he seeing an IC? I would start by suggesting that.

I would probably tell him to break up with the bailiff too. ;D
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starter

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #127 on: June 08, 2018, 10:09:46 AM »
Thanks Kitty. Great suggestion on the IC. I am also pretty sure he lives with her so breaking up will be all drama. And he’s scared. But I am definitely not getting involved with that mess!
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #128 on: June 08, 2018, 10:16:47 AM »
KIT - This is a trap. He is trying to escape the consequences of his bad choices. 

He wants YOU to fix it - so when YOU don't do it right, immediately, to his satisfaction he can slink off again on the blame KIT bus. He wants the result with none of the work. You need to tell him that it is not up to you to fix it or rescue him. It is going to take a lot of hard work and a lot of time. He needs to do this on his own. 

I would suggest that one of the first boundaries you slap on the LOOOOONG road home is he he has to to cut off communication with fat baliff.

If he thinks marriage counselling is a good idea great, you are all in - but he needs to pick the counsellor and set up the appointment. 

You are no longer a fixer KIT. You are the prize. You are worth the effort and the time. He need to earn the prize.   
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starter

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #129 on: June 08, 2018, 11:53:06 AM »
Thank you DF—omg yes it is hard to rid oneself of those fixer qualities. And you are right. He needs to do it. I know  he’s wanted to for a long time now—to “fix things.” But just unable to. Maybe him admitting that is progress. But I’m not fixing. Honestly I wouldn’t even know how. And how conceited is it of me to think that I can fix things? Oh no—more mirror work for me apparently.
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline Milly

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #130 on: June 08, 2018, 12:12:17 PM »
Kit, I like word for word what DF said. Tell him he has to sort it himself and lay the not fat bailiff boundary for starters. You don't have to be nasty, but you could say straight out that you're not sharing!

And no, you are not conceited for thinking you can fix things. Apart from having fixer-tendencies like all of us, you have actually done the work and you know much more than he does right now. He needs to do what you had to do.

If it were my H I would say straight out he needs to work on his issues and deal with fat bailiff. And that is just for starters.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D23, D20, S13
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Online RedStar

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #131 on: June 09, 2018, 07:56:50 PM »
KIT...

That sounds like good news!

Being me, I would suggest doing some research...I've found that reading about how others have experienced piecing has been *very illuminating*--I'm not quite even 3 months in, but I'm studying up because no matter what happens in my own sitch, this is all so fascinating.

In particular, some of the threads on the divorcebusting forums section on piecing have been informative on how to handle the reconnection to reconciliation stages.

Good luck and hope it goes well for you! So many of us would love to be at your stage.
« Last Edit: June 09, 2018, 07:58:17 PM by RedStar »

Online stillbaffled

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #132 on: June 13, 2018, 07:00:26 AM »
How was the Lacrosse Tournament in wine country?! 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starter

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #133 on: June 13, 2018, 03:47:44 PM »
Thank you all for your love and support! I truly appreciate it.

Well I survived the Lacrosse tourney in Sonoma. There was some Rose of course, but I was a good girl.  8) S and I drove up Friday so we would avoid a 2 hour drive starting st 5:30 am. H joined us there. And. I know this will shock you. But, no big talk. I mean, it really wasn’t a place for that anyway. And frankly I wasn’t expecting it. H did bring me a coffee, got me lunch and bought me a tourney T-shirt that is super cute. I also asked him if he could come by the house the following Tuesday am as I had an early flight to catch. He agreed and I assumed he had forgotten all about it. But alas, he emailed me Monday am confirming the time and showed up to tak S to mils’s. He even asked me a follow up question about my meeting today. Which completely shocked me.

He also asked this am about Father’s Day and next weeks plans—S is going camping with friends for the first part of the week. Home for 2 days then off to his big trip for 3.5 weeks. H won’t see him at all. But I know it kills him. And this will be really hard.

Not sure I mentioned before, but it is pretty clear that H lives with OW and her kids. Hs whole dilemma about not knowing how to fix things, I think, is more about extricating himself from that situation. And I’m letting him do that. Alone. If that is what he wants. I’ve been slowly picking myself back up and leaving the expectations behind. Trying to find my joy from within. It’s pretty easy to find though when I take the focus off of H. Amazing really.

Tomorrow is fil’s BDay. We are all going out to dinner. Mil invited H who gave her an “Ill think about it.” Which we all translated into a no. Oh well. I do actually feel sorry for them. It must be so hard to see your child messing up his life so much. Most of his issues I believe come from his relationship with both parents though. One thing he told me last week was how he knew his mother disparaged him to S all day. I didn’t argue with that bc I think there might be something to that. And the last comment he made after that was “S hates me and I hate myself.”  He definitely has the pity party thing down. And I do feel bad for him. I know he’s miserable. Also bc I’m fairly certain things over at OWs cannot be all that great since now he’s forced to sneak in communications to me. Am I now becoming the OW? Lol

So I’ll keep prodding along. Trying to fix the one thing I can—me.  And maybe even finish my mud room project this summer!

Thanks for following along.



Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline Acorn

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #134 on: June 13, 2018, 04:33:28 PM »
Trying to find my joy from within. It’s pretty easy to find though when I take the focus off of H. Amazing really.

I totally agree, KIT!  There is more to life than a miserable MLCer.  A whole heap more!
You go, girl!  Happiness depends on one’s circumstances but joy springs from one’s heart, don’t you think?

About him being stuck with OW and her kids.  How and when he can deliver himself out of there would be part of him working through his MLC, I guess.  Let him ponder upon ‘I hate myself’ and many other truths about himself.  That’s good, in my view.  At least, it shows that he peeked a little into his own mirror.  He will grow up one day. 

Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Online Mae

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #135 on: June 13, 2018, 05:02:10 PM »
Hey KIT,

You are doing great to keep the focus on yourself.

Mr KIT still needs to do so much work first before he even hints (or says directly) at being able to work his way back into a relationship with you. We've identified two obvious places to start:

1. Extricate yourself from OW
2. Stop the pity party

And those are the very easy things he can do.... and then there's the internal stuff and then the external stuff with rebuilding relationships. A big job ahead of him for sure and something he needs to sort out all by himself.

Meanwhile business as usual for you.
Me: 50
H: 40
S19, D15
Together for 19 years
BDay in 2004, 2011 and now March 5 2017
Ran away on 5 March BD
No OW
Returned home 'underdone' 1 July 2017.
Left again 22 October 2017.
H - Silent and non-communicative
Me - Letting go and moving forward

Offline Ropeburn

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #136 on: June 13, 2018, 09:16:48 PM »
   Glad you had fun with your son . You sound strong kit and your so right time to put you first

   Hugs
We are never so defenseless against suffering as when we love,never so helplessly unhappy  as when we have lost our love object or its love
Sigmund Freud

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #137 on: June 14, 2018, 11:25:09 AM »
Glad your trip was good.  Yes, definitely sounds like he has himself in a spot.  Sad, the ways that they blow up everything that is good.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10203.msg671589#msg671589

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline heroIam

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #138 on: June 15, 2018, 06:26:20 AM »
Hey KIT,
I'm always around when you need some company when S is gone for 2 weeks. 
Just send a text!

Good to hear you are focusing on you.  Really, that's all we can do. 
Hoping your H has the strength to do the right thing.
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

 

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