Author Topic: My Story Not Broken Just Bent  (Read 2959 times)

Offline Milly

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My Story Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #130 on: June 08, 2018, 12:12:17 PM »
Kit, I like word for word what DF said. Tell him he has to sort it himself and lay the not fat bailiff boundary for starters. You don't have to be nasty, but you could say straight out that you're not sharing!

And no, you are not conceited for thinking you can fix things. Apart from having fixer-tendencies like all of us, you have actually done the work and you know much more than he does right now. He needs to do what you had to do.

If it were my H I would say straight out he needs to work on his issues and deal with fat bailiff. And that is just for starters.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D23, D20, S13
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Online RedStar

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #131 on: June 09, 2018, 07:56:50 PM »

That sounds like good news!

Being me, I would suggest doing some research...I've found that reading about how others have experienced piecing has been *very illuminating*--I'm not quite even 3 months in, but I'm studying up because no matter what happens in my own sitch, this is all so fascinating.

In particular, some of the threads on the divorcebusting forums section on piecing have been informative on how to handle the reconnection to reconciliation stages.

Good luck and hope it goes well for you! So many of us would love to be at your stage.
« Last Edit: June 09, 2018, 07:58:17 PM by RedStar »

Online stillbaffled

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #132 on: June 13, 2018, 07:00:26 AM »
How was the Lacrosse Tournament in wine country?! 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Online KeepItTogetherTopic starter

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #133 on: June 13, 2018, 03:47:44 PM »
Thank you all for your love and support! I truly appreciate it.

Well I survived the Lacrosse tourney in Sonoma. There was some Rose of course, but I was a good girl.  8) S and I drove up Friday so we would avoid a 2 hour drive starting st 5:30 am. H joined us there. And. I know this will shock you. But, no big talk. I mean, it really wasn’t a place for that anyway. And frankly I wasn’t expecting it. H did bring me a coffee, got me lunch and bought me a tourney T-shirt that is super cute. I also asked him if he could come by the house the following Tuesday am as I had an early flight to catch. He agreed and I assumed he had forgotten all about it. But alas, he emailed me Monday am confirming the time and showed up to tak S to mils’s. He even asked me a follow up question about my meeting today. Which completely shocked me.

He also asked this am about Father’s Day and next weeks plans—S is going camping with friends for the first part of the week. Home for 2 days then off to his big trip for 3.5 weeks. H won’t see him at all. But I know it kills him. And this will be really hard.

Not sure I mentioned before, but it is pretty clear that H lives with OW and her kids. Hs whole dilemma about not knowing how to fix things, I think, is more about extricating himself from that situation. And I’m letting him do that. Alone. If that is what he wants. I’ve been slowly picking myself back up and leaving the expectations behind. Trying to find my joy from within. It’s pretty easy to find though when I take the focus off of H. Amazing really.

Tomorrow is fil’s BDay. We are all going out to dinner. Mil invited H who gave her an “Ill think about it.” Which we all translated into a no. Oh well. I do actually feel sorry for them. It must be so hard to see your child messing up his life so much. Most of his issues I believe come from his relationship with both parents though. One thing he told me last week was how he knew his mother disparaged him to S all day. I didn’t argue with that bc I think there might be something to that. And the last comment he made after that was “S hates me and I hate myself.”  He definitely has the pity party thing down. And I do feel bad for him. I know he’s miserable. Also bc I’m fairly certain things over at OWs cannot be all that great since now he’s forced to sneak in communications to me. Am I now becoming the OW? Lol

So I’ll keep prodding along. Trying to fix the one thing I can—me.  And maybe even finish my mud room project this summer!

Thanks for following along.

Me 46
H 45
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline Acorn

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #134 on: June 13, 2018, 04:33:28 PM »
Trying to find my joy from within. It’s pretty easy to find though when I take the focus off of H. Amazing really.

I totally agree, KIT!  There is more to life than a miserable MLCer.  A whole heap more!
You go, girl!  Happiness depends on one’s circumstances but joy springs from one’s heart, don’t you think?

About him being stuck with OW and her kids.  How and when he can deliver himself out of there would be part of him working through his MLC, I guess.  Let him ponder upon ‘I hate myself’ and many other truths about himself.  That’s good, in my view.  At least, it shows that he peeked a little into his own mirror.  He will grow up one day. 

Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline Mae

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #135 on: June 13, 2018, 05:02:10 PM »
Hey KIT,

You are doing great to keep the focus on yourself.

Mr KIT still needs to do so much work first before he even hints (or says directly) at being able to work his way back into a relationship with you. We've identified two obvious places to start:

1. Extricate yourself from OW
2. Stop the pity party

And those are the very easy things he can do.... and then there's the internal stuff and then the external stuff with rebuilding relationships. A big job ahead of him for sure and something he needs to sort out all by himself.

Meanwhile business as usual for you.
Me: 50
H: 40
S19, D15
Together for 19 years
BDay in 2004, 2011 and now March 5 2017
Ran away on 5 March BD
Returned home 'underdone' 1 July 2017.
Left again 22 October 2017.
H - Silent and non-communicative
Me - Letting go and moving forward

Offline Ropeburn

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #136 on: June 13, 2018, 09:16:48 PM »
   Glad you had fun with your son . You sound strong kit and your so right time to put you first

We are never so defenseless against suffering as when we love,never so helplessly unhappy  as when we have lost our love object or its love
Sigmund Freud

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #137 on: June 14, 2018, 11:25:09 AM »
Glad your trip was good.  Yes, definitely sounds like he has himself in a spot.  Sad, the ways that they blow up everything that is good.
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back

Link to my journey:

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline heroIam

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #138 on: June 15, 2018, 06:26:20 AM »
Hey KIT,
I'm always around when you need some company when S is gone for 2 weeks. 
Just send a text!

Good to hear you are focusing on you.  Really, that's all we can do. 
Hoping your H has the strength to do the right thing.
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline Kanvan

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #139 on: June 18, 2018, 08:25:25 AM »
Kit, you are awesome and inspire me! I know that I am a natural fixer and not being able to fix this really got to me but I also know that as you stated, I can only fix me. They are the ones that got themselves into the situation and they have to be the ones to get themselves out of it. I think mine stays with Pondscum due to the fact he doesn't have to fix anything and at this time he doesn't want to work on the damage he has done or it could be he is still in replay. Keep that crown straight and walking forward, you are the queen!
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1

You'll search for me inside of everyone you're with and I won't be found." R.H. Sin.

S27,S21, S16
Married 12/10/1994
Divorced 4/10/2018
23 years of marriage
BD- June 22, 2017 Moved in with OW-June 24th, 2017
Standing although divorced


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