Author Topic: My Story Not Broken Just Bent  (Read 2526 times)

Offline seahorse

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My Story Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #20 on: May 09, 2018, 12:50:58 PM »
KIT:  I am sorry you have to see him every day.  That makes it so much more difficult.

That being said, I do love the fashion updates!!

I don’t think he dresses that way for ow.  He dresses that way because it’s new and different.  Probably something he always wanted to do but couldn’t.  Just like tattoos, motorcycles, etc.  It’s him trying to be “new and improved”.  Just keep your sights on you.  That’s what most important, and forget about what’s going on in his head and why he does anything.

Lots of hugs.
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline handpuppets

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #21 on: May 09, 2018, 12:51:33 PM »
The only difference I see in his appearance is there are days when he says he is too lazy and unmotivated to shave, and other days he's clean shaven. He can't really grow a full beard, he has these patches where hair won't fill in properly, so he shaves before it becomes super noticeable.

This made me laugh because you just described Mr. HP to a tee. Totally see it as a sign of their depression.
“Lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining.” -Anne Lamott

Offline waiting4

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #22 on: May 09, 2018, 01:22:59 PM »

  KIT.. I've been told mine goes back and forth between clean shaven, beard, goatee... and dresses like Run DMC, I mean literally black Adidas sweat suit and stupid black hat..LOL... he took OW to key west in 2016 and the moron came back with red white and blue lightening bolt tattoos on each forearm...   
Me-55
H - 55
Adult D- 35
Married 37 yrs. married 33 yrs at time of BD
date of BD  2015
OW- YES, 36 yr old with a 7yr old
H- moved out of our home in  2015 & moved in with OW
H- says doesnt want divorce, wants long term separation. doesnt know what the future holds.
 H- has introduced OW to his family and visits them often with OW.
 H- has introduced OW to a few of our friends.
 Entering 2018. H has not filed for divorce.
He is still living with OW
 If you're going through Hell, keep going

Offline Kitty

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #23 on: May 09, 2018, 01:43:23 PM »
The only difference I see in his appearance is there are days when he says he is too lazy and unmotivated to shave, and other days he's clean shaven. He can't really grow a full beard, he has these patches where hair won't fill in properly, so he shaves before it becomes super noticeable.

This made me laugh because you just described Mr. HP to a tee. Totally see it as a sign of their depression.

It totally is...Grumpy has told me at times, that he doubles up on deodorant because he can't muster up the energy to shower in the morning before work. Luckily he sits at a desk so it's not critical if he doesn't shower, depending on what he's doing the night before.


  KIT.. I've been told mine goes back and forth between clean shaven, beard, goatee... and dresses like Run DMC, I mean literally black Adidas sweat suit and stupid black hat..LOL... he took OW to key west in 2016 and the moron came back with red white and blue lightening bolt tattoos on each forearm...   

I don't think I would be able to stop myself from laughing if Grumpy showed up somewhere dressed like that, even if I heard it second hand.
« Last Edit: May 09, 2018, 01:45:05 PM by Kitty »
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #24 on: May 09, 2018, 09:28:15 PM »
Looking forward to more fashion updates KIT.  Not sure about the white shoes, are they in fashion again?  ;D

You have come a long way and more work has been done on yourself then you know.

((((((Hugs))))))
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline SteelSpine

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #25 on: May 09, 2018, 10:51:09 PM »
Just past the two year mark here too, KIT.

But I didn't have chemo to contend with, geez.
me 54
H 50
S12, S8 & S8
M 1/98

BD 7/16  PA - OW 47, divorced, no children
Separated, 8/16 - I kicked him out

H sleeping on a couch at his business, three blocks from our home.
No legal action possible until immigration issues sorted out.

BD#2 9/17 - OW employed by H

Online Treasur

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #26 on: May 10, 2018, 12:23:00 AM »
2 years ago, after being the worlds meanest shark-eyed avoider who literally stopped saying hello and goodbye to me for around 3 months, all while I was still in chemo, my H of 14 years, partner of 20, told me our marriage was over......I had undergone chemo for the 6 months prior and so physically beat up I just lacked the strength to fight him.
 
I was completely bald, puffy, no eyelashes, no brows, and there was a port protruding from my chest. Not to mention the scars on my breast and underarm from the surgery. I felt ugly and unwanted. Never in my life had I felt so hopeless. 

He couldn't even stay in the house while I transitioned to my radiation. So I worked full time, commuted 2 hours a day, was a full time single parent to a 9 year old and went to radiation treatment every day for 7 weeks.  The outside world would never even suspect the sheer devastation I was feeling at the time. But I am fairly certain I've been in a strange LBS fog up until about a month or 2 ago.

2 years later. I've grown though not as much as I would like. Much more work to be done on me. I still fixate on my H and OW (and whether and to what extent OW is even in his life right now) You see, he now tells me that he loves and wants me back. Wants us to be a family again. But, he still runs. Still avoids. I still have no idea where he lives.  He doesn't tell me these things unless he thinks I am ready to really give up on him. 

I have an exciting oppotunity career wise and I have an amazing son who I worship and adore. I have many wonderful friends and family who I can see and talk to regularly. I have my health. I have a beautiful home. I have so much to be thankful for. So many blessings. Look away from the MLCer--nothing to see there right now.


Kit, I read this and thought OMG, what an extraordinary person you are and how incredibly resilient. When we cope through the worst of times, barely scraping through survival, I think we are in a bit of a fog. It's necessary to just put one foot in front of the other. But, with time, some of the fog memories fade and collapse in on themselves. That is probably healthy, part of healing so we don't live in the pain...but at the same time, it makes it easy to forget just how courageous we were and just how strong that inner spark was that got us through it. Whatever happens now, Kit, you have much to feel proud of in yourself and you have earned your blessings. x
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Milly

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #27 on: May 10, 2018, 04:49:33 AM »
Kit, your H's outfit sounds pretty good today. I know what you mean about feeling jealous that your H is dressing up for the OW and didn't for you. I totally feel like that with my H. However, to turn it positive, at least we're not walking around with our Hs on the days (most) when they're dressed like people with a problem. If my H didn't shag a personal dresser, I'm sure he'd have a medallion.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D23, D20, S13
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Acorn

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #28 on: May 10, 2018, 05:13:28 AM »
May I share with you what I think about his outfits?

He dresses for himself.  If he is trying to impress this person or that by dressing in a certain way, it is in HIS mind, nothing to do with anyone else.  Each one sees and adopts outside motivators for his/her actions but, in the end, those actions show who we are and how we interpreted the world around us, not the motivators.  What I do is not about others.  What others do is not about, or, because of, me.  One of the 4 agreements.

For example, my H wanted extra form fitting dress shirts when he was in high replay.  My first thoughts were ‘How silly can you get’,  ‘He wants to impress OW.’, ‘He wants to look young.’, etc.  I’m not going to lie, it hurt...  I realized in hindsight that the ultimate reason was not OW or ‘youth factor’ in his fashion choices.  It was his teenager brain that focussed on superficiality, a desperate attempt to make himself feel less depressed, and to escape and avoid facing his true self.   When I understood this, I felt sorry for him that he was self medicating this way.  His tight shirts were in the same group as all other silly things he purchased. 

I hope I made sense...
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starter

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Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Reply #29 on: May 10, 2018, 11:29:33 AM »
Wow I just want to thank you all for your honest and heart felt responses. It’s given me much to contemplate.

One thing that really resonates is the fact that this is not about me at all. I’m a slow learner. Bc even when I pay lip service to the fact that this is “his” journey and not about me, and I even see this in other HS members, I always think the same thing: That its about HIM. HE doesn’t want ME anymore. And then I feel sorry for myself. Well, I’m happy to say that I think I finally do get it. I need to take me out of the equation altogether. That is beyond self centered to make his journey about me. I am constantly on my soap box about how selfish these MLCers are. And they really are. But I’m no better if I make it about me and stay in victim mode. And feeling sorry for myself takes focus off my son, whose pain is likely 10 times mine.

So based on so much advice I’ve received, I’m going to start to pray in earnest that God grant me peace, forgiveness, unconditional love, understanding and grace. That I will release my bitterness and focus on my beautiful boy. That I appreciate all that I have and that it is all I need right now.

I’m heading out of town today to hang with some of my bffs from college. I needed to be away on mother’s day bc it is still painful to think of what happened 2 years ago. But I’m definitely in a better place. And I’m reminded that although I never lost touch with my friends, we all got busy and didn’t really spend much time together. Boy have we made up for that in the last 2 years. The 6 of us have gotten together more  than we have in 10 years. I rallied the troops bc I needed them and they were there for me. Never would have happened in this same manner but for MLC.

Today begins my new journey of bettering myself. And for me it means to take the focus off of my pain and suffering, and negativity in general. I want to be a better mom, sister, daughter and friend. And that takes much humility and patience. Hoping and praying I’m up for the challenge.

Thanks again my fellow HS warriors. We all have such similar stories but face many different challenges. I don’t think mine is any harder than most—in fact reading some of your stories makes me realize that you are some of the strongest and most amazing people around. And I draw much inspiration from that. Thank you for continuing on my journey and allowing me to be a part of yours.
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

 

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