Author Topic: Discussion MLC & The Rejection of Material Possessions  (Read 2491 times)

Offline Anjae

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Discussion Re: MLC & The Rejection of Material Possessions
« Reply #10 on: May 12, 2018, 04:12:31 PM »
Only wanting the boat and a plane and probably wanting you to buy in out and not saying no to a healthy bank account. Not exactly getting rid of all material things, is he?

On the other hand, I think I would prefer a MLCer that wouldn't be that interested in material things.

No MCLer is happy. Regardless of being the type that no longer has interest in material things or the type that only has interest in material things.

Material things do not make anyone happy. Living a simple life may make some happy, it makes me, but not a MLCer. MLC is not a happy time, regadless of the lifestyle.

Mr J is Mr. Material Possessions. He is, and has been for years, Mr. Unhappiness. He is one more who does not have money, yet, he buys tons of stuff, has a fancy flat in our capital, travels for leisure and, depending of ocassion, will buy tons of expensive clothes (other time he just dresses in rags).
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Online nah

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Re: MLC & The Rejection of Material Possessions
« Reply #11 on: May 12, 2018, 05:56:35 PM »

No MCLer is happy. Regardless of being the type that no longer has interest in material things or the type that only has interest in material things.

I wish Hero's spouse had a like button.  I would hit it a thousand times.

About 2-3 years before BD, my husband was making close to 400K a year.  It was not enough.  All he talked about was the owners of the companies that made more than him.  I would count our blessings to him.  We started with nothing, and I mean nothing, to having all the material possessions I thought we would ever need and more.  He had a new truck every few years, a new MLC sports car, a brand new motorcycle, big house, vacations, clothes, you name it.  But... other men he knew had more.  He made a deal with a shady former boss to switch companies, he boasted to me that in a few years he would be making at least double.  A million a year, THEN he would be happy... that's what he needed to be happy.  I told him to do whatever he felt like he needed to do.

The new company is where he met the girl.  He was already changing, I'm 100% sure he made sure that she knew he was made of money.

When he left, he left me everything.  He didn't want his "stuff" (and there was loads of it), he didn't want the house, heck he didn't even want to drive by.  He left with an overnight bag and he would have left with just that, but I packed a heaping pile of trash bags of all his MLC clothes.  He never asked for anything else.

Of course, at the time, he had a huge paycheck.  He bought a huge house for them while we were still married.  He filled it with new furniture, a maid, purebred cats and dogs.  They kept the animals in "doggie-daycare" while they were at work.  ::). He got her out of debt and bought her a shiny new car.  Yes, we were still married.

Was he happy?  Hell no.  It was never enough.  He actually yelled/cried/shaking like a baby that I wasn't leaving him enough to eat.  ::).  He screamed, and I mean screamed while stamping his feet at a hearing that the lawyers were charging too much money.  All of us, his lawyer included, just stared at him while he threw his ridiculous tantrum over a one time $400.00 charge to split his retirement, even though he was giving me over 100K more than he had to, it was all crazy.

He ran from his "stuff", ran from his equity in our house (which was significant), didn't even ask for one thing from the house, yet cried about being poor, even though he was making at the time about 300K a year (he took a pay cut to switch jobs, with the promise it would increase significantly as he and his partner got a foothold in New England.  It didn't happen.)

Greed plus MLC took him down.  He had everything a man could want and it wasn't enough.  He pissed it away and lost it.

Two years after the divorce he was fired, blackballed from the industry due to illegal activities and now he works for Home Depot, making less than 20 dollars an hour.
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...semi-vanisher

Offline Unraveled

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Re: MLC & The Rejection of Material Possessions
« Reply #12 on: May 12, 2018, 06:24:57 PM »
I remember reading something a few years ago that said if you didn't make much money an increase to $50,000 would make you happier, but after that there is no compounding effect with money and it is more time that actually makes people happier.   


Offline barbiedoll

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Re: MLC & The Rejection of Material Possessions
« Reply #13 on: May 12, 2018, 07:11:17 PM »
Interesting discussion. My husband left with an overnight bag that he packed in under 10 minutes. And he was gone. Forgot all his medications ( diabetic, high blood press.) Just ran as fast as he could after I gave him the little "push" he seemed to need. He was running from many many things but responsibility was way at the top of the list. He was sick to death of doing firetrucking "everything for 6 women his entire firetrucking life" and now he has found "something for himself " . He wanted NOTHING ...not even thousands of dollars worth of tools and a huge fully furnished 4000 ft Victorian heritage home. He would have signed it ALL over to me ...I have no doubt whatsoever. It was the source of his unhappiness, his chains, his his MLC state of mind. So was I. If he could ditch ALL of it , he was surely going to finally be "happy". The lack of future thinking or any forethought was staggering to me...but that is who he was. He walked away from his job with a whole song and dance about not feeling appreciated and they were not "using him for the skills he had" . So unemployed, living in a basement "room" , laying on a mattress with no bedding and joining the lineup for the town wh0r^. Forward thinking or consequences was void. He just needed in absolute desperation to free himself from his shackles and live life finally for "himself". He was a 55 year old man with no job, no benefits, no pensions, no rrsp's , no savings ...he did not care for 1 second what any outcomes might look like.
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline Nerissa

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Re: MLC & The Rejection of Material Possessions
« Reply #14 on: May 13, 2018, 03:22:35 AM »
My H, high flying career and salary has left a large house for a rented, furnished  flat - a very nice, well located one.  I have the car, he has a bike (well that’s easy in Holland).  I’ve moved to the UK to a rental and the house has been empty for six months and is going on the market only because I’ve pushed it.  The waste on the mortgage is horrendous.

He is now Buddhist but goes on spiritual retreats in expensive locations (Italy, Peru) .  His clothes are tailored for work or otherwise expensive but casual - usually Italian jeans etc costing 350 euros.

He bought a dog from the uk, bought a huge bike to transport it, bought lots of ‘gear’, paid someone to let it out daily, and look after it while travelling internationally for work.  Then he paid 4600 pounds to a school for ‘adolescent dogs’.  After 3 months it has congenital problems and is being returned to the breeder.  I know he bought it to have something to love because he told me in a moment of vulnerability.

He bought my 23 year old student daughter an antique silver gravy boat and toast rack as a present for staying.  We have never had or needed such things as a family!  I  visited the next week and she asked me to buy her a sandwich for lunch as she was out of money.

He will pay 250 pounds for a taxi rather than get the train.  He has paid a flight from the UK and 1000 euros for a hotel near his  for a weekend for a mystery woman (he was seen in a restaurant with her).  He won’t tell me who but I’m sure it wasn’t suspicious and he didn’t stay with her) I believe it was an old school friend who has had cancer and may have been home from Australia to visit family (I’m quite good at guessing).  He hasn’t been close to her in 30 years although she was his first girlfriend when they were 15 for a few weeks. All very explicable in MLC terms especially since he says this work on himself is to learn to kill his ego (!) and to connect with people and humanity. That part is sad because he has asked me if I think he has the capacity to love properly.

So I think he feels minimalist but actually, it’s costing a fortune which we don’t really have if we are going g to live separately AND have nice homes since we have three daughters still in education.

I think it’s running from responsibility but also a recognition, that their emptiness can not be filled materially, so they try to find what will fill it.  And if they have spare cash, attractive shiny things tend to cost, even if they are ultimately empty too.

It all has my fixer neurones jangling incessantly. Grr!

Offline Bewildered survivor

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Re: MLC & The Rejection of Material Possessions
« Reply #15 on: May 13, 2018, 03:51:54 AM »
20th I hope it stays that way for you for a while so you can keep what you rightly deserve.

 I think my H would have been the same if it wasn’t for the type of OW he has gone for and his knight in shining armour mind set.  He is trying to impress her with his money and status- shes never seen this kind of lifestyle.  Of course with 2 previous divorces shes accustomed to fleecing men for all she can get.  The OW in my sitch basically wants my life (currently he is building her D7 the same garden playhouse we have) so is manipulating H to take as many material pssoessions as he can from our home- including our expensive pots and pans, bedding, even my cosmetics he took at christmas!  Im sure if I was to leave this house she would move in with her kids.  H is going along with this in order to please her- not convinced he wants these things for himself.

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: MLC & The Rejection of Material Possessions
« Reply #16 on: May 13, 2018, 08:49:22 AM »
So much of this discussion resonates with me and my experience with MLC H!

Nah, everything you wrote, was the same as my H!  Just the details were slightly different!  He is still new at this, so is not bankrupt yet (part of the reason I want to get D done asap).  He is crying poor and spending money stupidly at the same time.

"The lack of future thinking or any forethought was staggering to me...but that is who he was" - Barbie, this exactly!  When he first BD'd he thought I was just going to leave him in the house with the kids.  Didn't give a thought to me whatsoever.  Seemed to have no idea that I had actual rights.  Seemed to think it was all going to go exactly as he pictured.  No one else's needs or wants did he have to consider.  Truly staggering.

Now my H lives in a 400 square foot cabin.  Says he doesn't want material things. Having said that, all his material things are still at my house.  So he hasn't actually thrown them away.  Once D is done though, I will be getting rid of them one way or another.  It will be interesting to see his reaction then.
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Divorced as of January 2019
I don't think I'm standing, but who knows what the future brings.
Two Teenage boys
Me: 55
H 59
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline DianaDeBelflor

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Re: MLC & The Rejection of Material Possessions
« Reply #17 on: May 13, 2018, 04:11:56 PM »
So... Millennial here!

I'm not sure how much of this is cultural, honestly. I love my creature comforts and, until recently, so did my husband.

Now he's ready to walk away from a comfortable home and a stable home life. He expects to have no car (his will likely die before he comes back from deployment). He expects to have next to no furniture. He expects to have no place to live.

He is okay with all of the above.

I think it's about rejecting the old life and everything that was created with the LBS.

Also, it's about zero ability to make decisions or anticipate consequences.

Offline Tyks

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Re: MLC & The Rejection of Material Possessions
« Reply #18 on: May 13, 2018, 07:02:49 PM »
My xh left with an overnight bag and similar to Nah,  I packed all of his clothes in the old suitcase and put it on the porch along with his PlayStation and a fan. 

A fee months later he rented an apt and asked for a few items of furniture. Within six months I had a separation agreement.  He got his car,  a small amount of rsps and no debt.  Happily signed his life away. 

Me 49
Him 49
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out
D16 D19
April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce
Divorce final February 12 2018

Offline Shocked

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Re: MLC & The Rejection of Material Possessions
« Reply #19 on: May 15, 2018, 01:40:39 PM »
My MLCer did the same. BD that he wasn’t happy and I wasn’t any fun. Left behind all his belongings, responsibilities and me. He wanted all new!!! He was in “I’m
A rock star mode”. In looking back I do see the changes he was making gradually such as clothes, friends, work and amount of drinking. Remaking himself into his fantasy self. We’ve had no contact in more than a year. Mostly my boundaries and his cowardice.
I guess the question I wonder about the most is when and if replay will what will happen? Do they go into another stage? We seldom ever see anything but replay talked about on this site. I’m glad there is this discussion.
I care🤗
H 51
W 58
M 22 Years
2 AD both married from my first M
BD 12/15 moved out-in replay, vanisher, MOW in Atlanta
D 2/17


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