Author Topic: Discussion Sex!  (Read 2099 times)

Offline Limboland2018Topic starter

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Discussion Sex!
« on: May 16, 2018, 12:50:11 AM »
So I’m still reeling from my husband definitely wanting a divorce (and I’m not standing). But it was really hurtful that he said he never ever wanted to have sex with me again. He says I’m attractive but not to him. Btw... I’m in great shape and look young. Do the mlc partners always say such hurtful things constantly? Some of you have mentioned you still have sex with your partner. Anyway I think my ego has taken a battering. So am just venting.
« Last Edit: May 16, 2018, 08:13:03 AM by OldPilot »

Offline Whyus

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #1 on: May 16, 2018, 01:06:56 AM »
My W also said something similar. Why would you want to have sex with him if your not Standing??

My W is the last Woman I would have sex with atm, she doesnt deserve the attntion, time or Energie!!
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 18 & 20
2 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Insecurity_08

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #2 on: May 16, 2018, 01:41:06 AM »
    I have not asked this yet. What I did ask when he came back to living home, what kind of affection is still a possibility? He said: "I don't mind if you hug me (I stopped doing that after 4 days, could tell he doesn't care if I do this or not. And I want genuine hugs not something he does out of sympathy). I said: "so no more kissing and no sex?" He said: "preferably not."

    Of course he has this thing going with OW. And probably gets everything he needs from her (I don't talk about her anymore).

    Also sometimes when I'm in the shower/bathroom he comes in to ask some questions. He just looks straight through me. And he used to be super enthusiastic when he saw me naked. Ever after nine years. I know I still have good body. Even better than OW's probably. I don't think he all of the sudden thinks I'm not attractive anymore.

    There are several options the way I see it. Maybe a combination even:


    He simply doesn't care right now. Because he has emotionally withdrawn.
    In his twisted, foggy mind he believes he is an a monogamous R with OW (I pointed it out she probably still has sex with her h and he angrily responded: that he doesn't care). And doesn't want to cheat on her.
    He is still physically attracted to me, but doesn't want me to notice this.

    I'm having a hard time with it too. I know rationally speaking as long as OW is in the picture I shouldn't even think about it. But I miss it. And he is probably having the time of his life with her.
« Last Edit: May 16, 2018, 02:43:45 AM by Insecurity_08 »
Me: 33
H: 39
T: 9 M: almost 3
No kids, been trying to conceive for almost 3 years (with a one year break in between)
BD1: December 2017, OW sends inappropriate texts to H. H keeps this a secret until I discover it. Basically EA
March 2018: H claims having doubts about our R
BD2: April 2018: H wants a divorce and ILYBINILWY
A with OW, probably PA but no confirmation. OW is still married
H left home. I'm no longer standing. I told him he could have his D. with mutual consent on my terms if he wants to!

Offline Limboland2018Topic starter

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #3 on: May 16, 2018, 02:04:18 AM »
Hi Whyus I’m not standing but I think I’ve thought about it cause it hurts my ego....a lot.  He always used to love having me on his arm. He loved it that I was a gorgeous woman but now doesn’t care.

Insecurity- you make a good point. He has withdrawn from me so he doesn’t want to be physical with me. Tbh- I couldn’t have sex with him either as he’s hurt me so much.

Online Silver

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #4 on: May 16, 2018, 02:15:51 AM »
Insecurity and Limboland,

I think you found the right answer already: they don't care bc of withdrawing emotionally far from you. That's what they do and it has nothing to do with how attractive you are (I BET you are!) or how they looked you before. This is not before, this is MLC, sorry to say.
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Insecurity_08

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #5 on: May 16, 2018, 02:44:45 AM »
Insecurity and Limboland,

I think you found the right answer already: they don't care bc of withdrawing emotionally far from you. That's what they do and it has nothing to do with how attractive you are (I BET you are!) or how they looked you before. This is not before, this is MLC, sorry to say.

I know I shall have to find a way to learn to live with it for now. Or give up my stand!
Me: 33
H: 39
T: 9 M: almost 3
No kids, been trying to conceive for almost 3 years (with a one year break in between)
BD1: December 2017, OW sends inappropriate texts to H. H keeps this a secret until I discover it. Basically EA
March 2018: H claims having doubts about our R
BD2: April 2018: H wants a divorce and ILYBINILWY
A with OW, probably PA but no confirmation. OW is still married
H left home. I'm no longer standing. I told him he could have his D. with mutual consent on my terms if he wants to!

Offline Oranges

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #6 on: May 16, 2018, 02:53:39 AM »
Yep I also feel the same way. I workout and keep fit and felt good about myself.  I know his opinion shouldn't count but it has made me feel ugly.

He has gained heaps of weight over the years.  He is trying to lose it now but he really let himself go because he was comfortable. 

I also do not think I can stand.  He is mean.  If he wants someone else then I'm beginning to think I cannot endure that.  I think my self esteem could not survive it.  I think I should let go... but I don't know.  I love who he was, but he is not that person anymore.  What if he never returns or he turns into someone I do not like.

Offline Insecurity_08

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #7 on: May 16, 2018, 03:07:24 AM »
Yep I also feel the same way. I workout and keep fit and felt good about myself.  I know his opinion shouldn't count but it has made me feel ugly.

He has gained heaps of weight over the years.  He is trying to lose it now but he really let himself go because he was comfortable. 

I also do not think I can stand.  He is mean.  If he wants someone else then I'm beginning to think I cannot endure that.  I think my self esteem could not survive it.  I think I should let go... but I don't know.  I love who he was, but he is not that person anymore.  What if he never returns or he turns into someone I do not like.

I get that. Mine still is attractive but also gained some weight. I don’t feel unattractive because him doing that. It is just MLC like silver said. As for OW she is not an ugly woman (on the outside at least ;-)). But I’m more attractive and I don’t say this often about myself. He just feels some kind of connection with her now that he doesn’t feel with me. But he is running from reality! So no it doesn’t affect my self esteem.

My h still is very nice to me (I’m “his best friend” according to him). So for now it is possible to keep my stand, but I don’t have any clue of how long I can do it. Nobody does I think. I can imagine if there is emotional or physical abuse, that you choose not to!
Me: 33
H: 39
T: 9 M: almost 3
No kids, been trying to conceive for almost 3 years (with a one year break in between)
BD1: December 2017, OW sends inappropriate texts to H. H keeps this a secret until I discover it. Basically EA
March 2018: H claims having doubts about our R
BD2: April 2018: H wants a divorce and ILYBINILWY
A with OW, probably PA but no confirmation. OW is still married
H left home. I'm no longer standing. I told him he could have his D. with mutual consent on my terms if he wants to!

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #8 on: May 16, 2018, 03:18:30 AM »
Yeah, I got that too - Even so far as to get told that I was "yucky like her brother." Now BIL is not a model but he's no pond scum either...

And yeah, my self picture went straight into the toilet...

Courtesy of the LBS diet though, I have dropped about 20 lbs (it was more but some has come back courtesy of the gym so a lower Body Fat %) whereas she has gained a bit.....

There is no physical contact between us (I might give her cooties or something I guess) more than a hug at Christmas when I gave her a present that she liked.... Even that felt totally strange to me...
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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Online Thunder

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #9 on: May 16, 2018, 03:29:51 AM »
You have to keep in mind these affair partners have nothing to do with looks or what their body looks like, it's all emotional and how these ow/om's make them feel.  That's why they could be anyone.  They were just there and willing to lower themselves to date a married person.

Some of these OP's are down right unattractive.  It doesn't matter because it's not about sex.
Most of the time the spouse IS much better looking.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

 

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