Author Topic: Discussion Sex!  (Read 2733 times)

Offline Limboland2018Topic starter

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Discussion Sex!
« on: May 16, 2018, 12:50:11 AM »
So I’m still reeling from my husband definitely wanting a divorce (and I’m not standing). But it was really hurtful that he said he never ever wanted to have sex with me again. He says I’m attractive but not to him. Btw... I’m in great shape and look young. Do the mlc partners always say such hurtful things constantly? Some of you have mentioned you still have sex with your partner. Anyway I think my ego has taken a battering. So am just venting.
« Last Edit: May 16, 2018, 08:13:03 AM by OldPilot »

Online Whyus

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #1 on: May 16, 2018, 01:06:56 AM »
My W also said something similar. Why would you want to have sex with him if your not Standing??

My W is the last Woman I would have sex with atm, she doesnt deserve the attntion, time or Energie!!
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Defying_Gravity

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #2 on: May 16, 2018, 01:41:06 AM »
    I have not asked this yet. What I did ask when he came back to living home, what kind of affection is still a possibility? He said: "I don't mind if you hug me (I stopped doing that after 4 days, could tell he doesn't care if I do this or not. And I want genuine hugs not something he does out of sympathy). I said: "so no more kissing and no sex?" He said: "preferably not."

    Of course he has this thing going with OW. And probably gets everything he needs from her (I don't talk about her anymore).

    Also sometimes when I'm in the shower/bathroom he comes in to ask some questions. He just looks straight through me. And he used to be super enthusiastic when he saw me naked. Ever after nine years. I know I still have good body. Even better than OW's probably. I don't think he all of the sudden thinks I'm not attractive anymore.

    There are several options the way I see it. Maybe a combination even:


    He simply doesn't care right now. Because he has emotionally withdrawn.
    In his twisted, foggy mind he believes he is an a monogamous R with OW (I pointed it out she probably still has sex with her h and he angrily responded: that he doesn't care). And doesn't want to cheat on her.
    He is still physically attracted to me, but doesn't want me to notice this.

    I'm having a hard time with it too. I know rationally speaking as long as OW is in the picture I shouldn't even think about it. But I miss it. And he is probably having the time of his life with her.
« Last Edit: May 16, 2018, 02:43:45 AM by Insecurity_08 »
Me: 33
H: 39
T: 9 M: almost 3
No kids, been trying to conceive for almost 3 years (with a one year break in between)
BD1: December 2017, OW sends inappropriate texts to H. H keeps this a secret until I discover it. Basically EA
March 2018: H claims having doubts about our R
BD2: April 2018: H wants a divorce and ILYBINILWY
A with OW, probably PA but no confirmation. OW is still married
H left home. I'm no longer standing. D process will start at 9/11/2018

Offline Limboland2018Topic starter

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #3 on: May 16, 2018, 02:04:18 AM »
Hi Whyus I’m not standing but I think I’ve thought about it cause it hurts my ego....a lot.  He always used to love having me on his arm. He loved it that I was a gorgeous woman but now doesn’t care.

Insecurity- you make a good point. He has withdrawn from me so he doesn’t want to be physical with me. Tbh- I couldn’t have sex with him either as he’s hurt me so much.

Online Silver

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #4 on: May 16, 2018, 02:15:51 AM »
Insecurity and Limboland,

I think you found the right answer already: they don't care bc of withdrawing emotionally far from you. That's what they do and it has nothing to do with how attractive you are (I BET you are!) or how they looked you before. This is not before, this is MLC, sorry to say.
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Defying_Gravity

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #5 on: May 16, 2018, 02:44:45 AM »
Insecurity and Limboland,

I think you found the right answer already: they don't care bc of withdrawing emotionally far from you. That's what they do and it has nothing to do with how attractive you are (I BET you are!) or how they looked you before. This is not before, this is MLC, sorry to say.

I know I shall have to find a way to learn to live with it for now. Or give up my stand!
Me: 33
H: 39
T: 9 M: almost 3
No kids, been trying to conceive for almost 3 years (with a one year break in between)
BD1: December 2017, OW sends inappropriate texts to H. H keeps this a secret until I discover it. Basically EA
March 2018: H claims having doubts about our R
BD2: April 2018: H wants a divorce and ILYBINILWY
A with OW, probably PA but no confirmation. OW is still married
H left home. I'm no longer standing. D process will start at 9/11/2018

Offline Oranges

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #6 on: May 16, 2018, 02:53:39 AM »
Yep I also feel the same way. I workout and keep fit and felt good about myself.  I know his opinion shouldn't count but it has made me feel ugly.

He has gained heaps of weight over the years.  He is trying to lose it now but he really let himself go because he was comfortable. 

I also do not think I can stand.  He is mean.  If he wants someone else then I'm beginning to think I cannot endure that.  I think my self esteem could not survive it.  I think I should let go... but I don't know.  I love who he was, but he is not that person anymore.  What if he never returns or he turns into someone I do not like.

Offline Defying_Gravity

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #7 on: May 16, 2018, 03:07:24 AM »
Yep I also feel the same way. I workout and keep fit and felt good about myself.  I know his opinion shouldn't count but it has made me feel ugly.

He has gained heaps of weight over the years.  He is trying to lose it now but he really let himself go because he was comfortable. 

I also do not think I can stand.  He is mean.  If he wants someone else then I'm beginning to think I cannot endure that.  I think my self esteem could not survive it.  I think I should let go... but I don't know.  I love who he was, but he is not that person anymore.  What if he never returns or he turns into someone I do not like.

I get that. Mine still is attractive but also gained some weight. I don’t feel unattractive because him doing that. It is just MLC like silver said. As for OW she is not an ugly woman (on the outside at least ;-)). But I’m more attractive and I don’t say this often about myself. He just feels some kind of connection with her now that he doesn’t feel with me. But he is running from reality! So no it doesn’t affect my self esteem.

My h still is very nice to me (I’m “his best friend” according to him). So for now it is possible to keep my stand, but I don’t have any clue of how long I can do it. Nobody does I think. I can imagine if there is emotional or physical abuse, that you choose not to!
Me: 33
H: 39
T: 9 M: almost 3
No kids, been trying to conceive for almost 3 years (with a one year break in between)
BD1: December 2017, OW sends inappropriate texts to H. H keeps this a secret until I discover it. Basically EA
March 2018: H claims having doubts about our R
BD2: April 2018: H wants a divorce and ILYBINILWY
A with OW, probably PA but no confirmation. OW is still married
H left home. I'm no longer standing. D process will start at 9/11/2018

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #8 on: May 16, 2018, 03:18:30 AM »
Yeah, I got that too - Even so far as to get told that I was "yucky like her brother." Now BIL is not a model but he's no pond scum either...

And yeah, my self picture went straight into the toilet...

Courtesy of the LBS diet though, I have dropped about 20 lbs (it was more but some has come back courtesy of the gym so a lower Body Fat %) whereas she has gained a bit.....

There is no physical contact between us (I might give her cooties or something I guess) more than a hug at Christmas when I gave her a present that she liked.... Even that felt totally strange to me...
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #9 on: May 16, 2018, 03:29:51 AM »
You have to keep in mind these affair partners have nothing to do with looks or what their body looks like, it's all emotional and how these ow/om's make them feel.  That's why they could be anyone.  They were just there and willing to lower themselves to date a married person.

Some of these OP's are down right unattractive.  It doesn't matter because it's not about sex.
Most of the time the spouse IS much better looking.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline nah

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #10 on: May 16, 2018, 03:33:44 AM »
But it was really hurtful that he said he never ever wanted to have sex with me again.

Oh Geez, I swear years from now you will laugh at some of the nonsense they come up with.

About a year before BD, my husband and I went on a vacation and went into a little shop in Miami.  I walked out of the fitting room with a dress and a male customer walked up to me and said, "Damn girl, you MUST get that dress, you look smoking hot".  My husband saw the interaction and walked over, I thought "Oh no, he's going to clobber this guy for hitting on me".  Nope, instead he looked me up and down disapprovingly and sneered, "Maybe ten years ago, but you can't wear something like that now"

I was a size 6-8 and he mentioned someone my age and weight shouldn't wear something like that.  It went to the knee, btw.  Not at all inappropriate.

Anyways... He walked out of the same shop with Ed Hardy tee-shirts and a $400.00 pair of designer jeans with rhinestones.  He was at least 50 lbs overweight. 

At the time, I was devastated.  Even worse after BD, that mother firecracker gaslighted the sh!t out of me and I believed him.  After BD, once I got on my feet, I wore anything I damn well please every single day,.. dresses, skirts, heels, etc.

How dare they throw their insecurities onto our shoulders.

Your husband words are about HIM, It's what they do... He feels like he lost HIS sex appeal, and you know what?

Insecure little boys are about as sexy as a pile of dog crap.

So just like a dog would do, kick some grass over that pile of crap and keep on walking.

You are as Gosh Darn hot as you want to be... sexy is all in your mindset, girl.  Firetruck him.
H-54
me-52
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...semi-vanisher
https://heneversaidaword.com

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #11 on: May 16, 2018, 03:35:40 AM »
My husband of 14 years told me 2 weeks after BD that he couldn't hug ME because it felt like he was cheating?!  :o

Where is the logic in that one exactly?  ::)

Edit to say...Before I never refused him. Since BD I won't let him touch me. So even if he tried..I don't think he would get very far.
« Last Edit: May 16, 2018, 03:38:00 AM by Mortesbride »
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Online Tyks

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #12 on: May 16, 2018, 03:46:47 AM »
We didn't have sex for about a year before Bd.  Never thought anything of it as we didn't have a lot of sex.   After Bd he said some really terrible things to me and I would never get naked in front of him again anyway. 

Sex is hard once they withdraw emotionally and connect with someone else.  They are dreaming of having sex with the op so why would they want to with us?
Me 49
Him 49
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out
D16 D19
April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce
Divorce final February 12 2018

Offline Defying_Gravity

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #13 on: May 16, 2018, 04:07:15 AM »
You have to keep in mind these affair partners have nothing to do with looks or what their body looks like, it's all emotional and how these ow/om's make them feel.  That's why they could be anyone.  They were just there and willing to lower themselves to date a married person.

Some of these OP's are down right unattractive.  It doesn't matter because it's not about sex.
Most of the time the spouse IS much better looking.

That's what I figured from the articles I read on the LoveAnyway website and others sites about MLC. I'm sure it's not about sex, but knowing my h, he is already at that level with her. And that bothers me. A LOT! Although I'm not sure, because at lunch they only have his car. But it is not impossible.

My husband of 14 years told me 2 weeks after BD that he couldn't hug ME because it felt like he was cheating?!  :o

Where is the logic in that one exactly?  ::)

See I think that he feels that way too (I'm not sure, I don't want to ask him). And I don't get that either. He is cheating on me. And she is still married. But surely he doesn't want to risk that she decides to stay with her h if he is still sleeping with me. If I were her I would be more bothered by the fact that he still wants to remain friends and also is doing everything to consolidate this. Because who do you think he will come crying to if things go downhill with her?

We didn't have sex for about a year before Bd.  Never thought anything of it as we didn't have a lot of sex.   After Bd he said some really terrible things to me and I would never get naked in front of him again anyway. 

Sex is hard once they withdraw emotionally and connect with someone else.  They are dreaming of having sex with the op so why would they want to with us?

We were trying to conceive, so yeah for me it is a big difference. There was a time somewhere last year, when we were both tired of it. Because at the end it becomes your main focus then. But after he basically had an EA with OW, but said he was married when she wanted to take things to the next level and I discovered this. We started reconnecting sexually and it felt so good. So yeah the difference is so big that it bothers me.

Unfortunately I think my h is not only dreaming about it anymore.



Me: 33
H: 39
T: 9 M: almost 3
No kids, been trying to conceive for almost 3 years (with a one year break in between)
BD1: December 2017, OW sends inappropriate texts to H. H keeps this a secret until I discover it. Basically EA
March 2018: H claims having doubts about our R
BD2: April 2018: H wants a divorce and ILYBINILWY
A with OW, probably PA but no confirmation. OW is still married
H left home. I'm no longer standing. D process will start at 9/11/2018

Online Helpingme!

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #14 on: May 16, 2018, 04:34:00 AM »
I think it's all BS,  the things they say. It's the way they feel, so they try and make us feel vad too.
I love what Nah said. Insecure little boys. DAMN right.
Y'all ladies wondering if your H still thinks your attractive??
Do as Nah said, go wear what you want. Look nice everyday. You will see.
No one should doubt yourself in anyway. It's not about the attraction. My Ws OM was about same as me, physically. After LBS diet and staying in the gym. Physically In at Watcher Status, and yall kniw that's pretty good, ha.
But W will put her head down rather than look at me that way.
It's all BS.

Online Lastresort

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #15 on: May 16, 2018, 05:35:48 AM »
I think it is a common thing.  Mynex wife told me I am a very attractive man who has great morals  blah blah blah, but the thought of having sex with me made her stomach turn.   So it is common.    Yes my ex wife OM is a huge downgrade in every single way.  Dont take it to heart.


Offline AreWeThereYet

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #16 on: May 16, 2018, 06:10:52 AM »
Yep, it's very hard on the self esteem.  Mine said he had no libido and just didn't think of me that way anymore.  When he left, he said our "intimate relationship is over, but we'll always be family" and other similar things that I suppose were meant to be comforting, but really come out condescending.  Thing is, I think his libido really is gone -- first the depression/anxiety, and now he's on Zoloft, which has been good in many ways, but one of the side effects is lack of sex drive.  It's yet another aspect of MLC the LBS tends to blame themselves for (initially, anyway), but I don't think it really has much to do with us.  I'm sure in my H's mind, he figures his libido will come back when he meets someone else.
Me: 48
H: 50
Married 18 years, together 22
OW: yep!  EA turned PA 12/2017
BD: 05/24/17, H moved out same day
No kids

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #17 on: May 16, 2018, 06:51:43 AM »
Like Thunder said, it's not about us. People might be attracted to someone they see, but they fall in love with how someone makes them feel. I am old and fat. But I dress as well as I can by creating my own clothes and style for my shape (great legs, round stomache), adventure, exercise, enjoy life. And it shows because I always have men talking to me. So something I do must make them want to talk to me, and if it isn't my fabulous good looks, it has to be that they like talking to me because it makes them feel good to do so. People avoid things that don't make them feel good.

Which brings us back to our MLCers.  If they look at us, and find themselves lacking, it doesn't feel good. In their minds, it must be us, when really, they have simply done a comparison in their minds, decided they were less than, so must find some who makes them feel more than. We can't do that for them, because our actions SHOW us to be decent, responsible human beings.

 I would venture that most people learn as they age and get better with time. MLCERS are stuck somewhere and can no longer improve until they sort themselves out. And I'm going out on a limb here, and since most of us seem to have a fixer personality, the MLCer wants to fix him/herself, even if on an unconscious level)and not let us fix them any longer. (Ok, that's my mirror work takeaway. Let someone else fix it sometimes). So they grab onto either someone they can "fix"(projection of their own issues), or someone who will take their anger, who isn't worth being nice to, until they can fix themselves (which may never happen ). At least, that's how it looks to me, reading all these stories.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline Velika

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #18 on: May 16, 2018, 07:00:39 AM »
I think this is an important topic.

My ex husband made sex the central theme of bomb drop. He told me when he was bomb dropping me (I was jet lagged) that he thought I needed to start sleeping with women and might even be asexual because I wouldn’t have sex with him on a balcony while on vacation in a Muslim country and he didn’t like the way I didn’t look deeply into his eyes while he kissed me in the pool. (My eyes were on our six year old who was still learning to swiin!)

Over the months I also heard we did not share open mouth kisses at restaurants, that I did not walk around our home naked enough, that the first time we “tried to have” sex was bad, and that we didn’t have sex on our wedding night. He also told me it was as if he was “gay” for OW, that was how fundamental his feelings were, lectured me in what it was like to have sex with someone you really love, asked me if I would ever live with him as a platonic friend, and angrily told me, “You didn’t want to have sex with me so I found someone who did!”

If only I had a crystal ball I could have seen that this affair partner was a tantric sex worker. He was comparing me to a prostitite I suspect he was having a paying relationship to. (He also later told me, “I know I said some silly things like ‘We never had sex!’ but it’s really about how we fight ...” and then listed things I had said while angry about his outrageous bomb drop behavior to explain why we couldn’t stay married.)

He also I will mention got a prescription of viagra for the first time after he moved out! I found these at his new home and then he admitted with a nonsensical smirk on his face.

As far as the beauty of OW. I believe she could have been any combination of looks. He could easily have found a plump dark haired woman. In my case he chose a very muscular tall woman with a kind of masculine look. My ex has looked and act more womanly (I can’t explain it and not in a good way) since this started. So if I go back to bomb drop perhaps OW is his own sapphic fantasy.

When I am feeling insecure I notice I need a lot of reassurance on this topic, but in my better moments I actually feel more attractive than I did pre-bomb drop. I notice oddly that in photos my smile is bigger and I look more relaxed, a funny phenomenon I have also seen in images of wives of celebrity MLCers.

A final note.
Some people think MLC is like an addiction. I read that with illness like cyclothemia or bipolar — which also can involve infidelity — people will describe the affair more like an addiction.

Online Helpingme!

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #19 on: May 16, 2018, 07:10:34 AM »
Offroad
I agree. My ws OM told me it was not about the sex, with W. It was with him though. He actually said he was in MLC. Bever told her that of course. She was OW2 too him. Just booty call. His OW1 had cut him off since he wouldn't D his wife.
But he said she just wanted someone too talk too about her problems, somebody that understood her. Of course he was perfect for that. But he said she just gave him sex as a favor(his opinion) for him being nice and listening. Said he could tell she wasn't into it, Just a warm body and let him do as he wanted. Said never seemed as she enjoyed it.
I've heard his side of the deal, not my wife's. I don't talk too him anymore, that was early on in my weak moments as LBS.
But I actually beleive what he said. Diesnt make it feel any better that my W would let a man use her sexually,  just too feel wanted. But , it's a tad better knowing the sex had nothing too do with it.

Online Helpingme!

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #20 on: May 16, 2018, 07:29:43 AM »
Too add too what Off-road said from this man's point of view.
Love has nothing too do with physical attraction.
Yes, first time I seen my wife and OH $h!t!! Was her looks, but I fell in love with her personality. As age comes, it doesn't matter how much of a good looking person you are, you can't compete with youth, just not happening. 
But as years went on, I was more attracted too my wife physically too. Every little stretch mark caused from my 2 sons,  yep , even more. It's called love, not attraction. That's why it's all BS in my opinion.
I don't know how women feel, but for me, it's just like off road said, she could be drop dead georgeous, but be a dud!! Bot happening. 

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #21 on: May 16, 2018, 07:33:09 AM »
im A bit embarrassed about my response:

My StBXH said he would “never sleep in my bed again”. He said this several times. Because I often rejected him which is true. But for me, the sex hasn’t been enjoyable for years because it lasted a total of about 30 seconds. Sorry for the details. It was not fun for other reasons as well but I won’t go into that. Let’s just say I didn’t even feel like I was there, just sort of used. But he did blame me for everything sex wise. I said I was willing to go to sex clinic or therapist together but MLC and BD happened before that. I’ll also say that in my previous relationship, sex was a big part of our lives and very enjoyable for me. I think if I would have had sex whenever he wanted it I wouldn’t be getting divorced right now. I don’t know. This is tough for me. At this point I’m terrified to ever be intimate again. I can’t even remember what it feels like to be sexual. Sorry if this is TMI!
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Collaborative Divorce in process (to protect myself)
I don't think I'm standing, but who knows what the future brings.
Two Teenage boys
Me: 55
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline nah

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #22 on: May 16, 2018, 08:45:33 AM »
Sorry if this is TMI!

You must not have read my early threads.  2014 was quite a year for me.  ;D ;D

But, your post proves the point that it's not about sex.  Sure, they might say it is, maybe even think it is, but if the soldier is having issues standing up at home, the same issues will pop up (or not  ;) ) with someone else.

I almost fell out of my chair when my husband responded to a letter I wrote to him about a week after BD.  Among other complaints (all bogus btw) was we were becoming "roommates".

Excuse me?!?

For 25+ years he boasted to all his friends how his wife was a "crazy red-headed nympho"... I was all over him, all the time.  Then he started to change and HE pushed ME away.  I thought he was having erectile issues (which he was) so I didn't pressure him.  Believe me, it wasn't b/c I didn't want it.  I love sex.  After he left I found a mountain of Viagra in his nightstand.  He hated that stuff, said it gave him a headache... but he needed it to impress the young girls.  The last thing I was worried about even then, was that he was having some wild sex party without me.  He couldn't keep up with me then, so there is no way in Hell he could keep up with me now.  I wouldn't at all be surprised if the Mrs-tress is frigid and thanks her lucky stars every night that she gets to live in a big sex-free house b/c that's all she wanted anyways.

So question for the men on this thread...

Would you rather have sex with a perfect body that just lays there and prays it will be over soon

or

A chubby non-perfect older woman who actually wants to enjoy sex and not your bank account??
H-54
me-52
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...semi-vanisher
https://heneversaidaword.com

Online Helpingme!

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #23 on: May 16, 2018, 08:55:59 AM »
Nah, lol. You have made my day!
The chubby, non-perfect older woman!!!! No doubt!

Online Helpingme!

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #24 on: May 16, 2018, 09:01:04 AM »
Boy if this thread would have started on a Friday!!! I think we would have hit 150 post by lunch.
I think it was Treasur said, We are all sex deprived LBS!
I'm surprised this subject doesn't come up more often!

Offline Velika

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #25 on: May 16, 2018, 09:06:46 AM »
To all new LBS, if your mLC spouse tells you that there is something wrong with your sex life or that sex is the reason why he is leaving you, please, please DO NOT SLEEP WITH HIM.

I have seen a number of stories on this forum where a MLCer will say this, and the wife takes him seriously, only to compromise herself and sleep with him in a way she might not have before — only to have him still leave her for another woman.

There was even one instance where the MLCer $l*t shamed his wife!

Please do not sleep with these men. They are confused, irrational, if not full-on mentally ill. Step away, way back from the situation, until you are not traumatized and can think clearly again. There is something called "hysterical bonding" that can occur after an affair. Don't do it!

My feeling is that LBS should take the mindset that she needs a suitor after this. Someone who is going to fall in love with her and want to win her over. Don't settle! Your MLC spouse is extremely messed up. If you would not knowingly sleep with a mentally ill person, do not sleep with him.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #26 on: May 16, 2018, 09:26:06 AM »
Helping, I think a lot of people are embarrassed to talk about it, or don't think they should.

It's ok to talk about, just not too graphically.  No one needs to know the knitty gritty.   :)
It's a big part of a marriage or a relationship. 
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #27 on: May 16, 2018, 09:48:14 AM »
Nah you always make me laugh!  It wasn’t the bit of ED that bothered me, that’s just nature and happens. It was the very quick and very unconnected way he chose to do it. Every time, I knew he was pretending I was someone else. At least in the later years. I also gained weight and he made it known that disgusted him. Well that didn’t help matters. Thanks to the LBS diet though, I’m smoking hot again! Lol.
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Collaborative Divorce in process (to protect myself)
I don't think I'm standing, but who knows what the future brings.
Two Teenage boys
Me: 55
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline Milly

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #28 on: May 16, 2018, 10:20:39 AM »
Interesting thread. My H blamed lack of sex as his reason for leaving me. After BD he told me I disgusted him. His OW is an ex model so I felt like poop. However, many OW are ugly, or much less attractive than the LBS so even I have to accept that there has to be more to it than sex.

I believe that our Hs, like most of us, can only be into one person at a time. So when they are turned towards the OP, they can't also be turned towards us, or maybe some Hs can carry on having sex with their wives but not in a full, loving way. It's one or the other even for them.

Then they feel very guilty about what they've done to us. I believe it's a combination of the OW demanding their fidelity (not like us, we presumed it, but she knows better), and our MLCers wanting to do the right thing now by being faithful, albeit to the OP, so as to not make that terrible mistake of cheating again.

In my mind that doesn't mean they can't look at us at times and like what they see. My H would sneak peaks at me as I walked past him, and then stand with his back to me when I returned, almost like he needed a large barrier so as to not have any thoughts that would get him into trouble.

Cheating makes the faithful partner feel like $h!te, there's not way around it. And this makes it doubly hard for the MLCer to forgive themselves.

I do feel so much better about myself now. I do believe my H 'encouraged' me to dress down and not take care of myself. He was always complaining if I went to the hairdresser, kept me on a tight budget for clothes, although just like the rest of them, he was spending outrageous amounts on himself.

I can see that it would be easy to be attracted to a new person who's all dressed up and relaxed because they don't have all the shared responsibilities, whilst I was at home running the show, exhausted, dirty, and in old clothes. Easy to put the blame on me for looking disgusting. I don't know why I allowed it. I would never allow that again in the future.

Now I treat myself to anything I can afford and I like myself so much better. It's not about hair and makeup, it could be treating yourself to your favourite hobby, or travel if that's what you're into. I just mean treating ourselves, period, full stop. Before, I sacrificed myself for my family and allowed myself to be mentally abused. I'm sure that wasn't sexy, even though it wasn't right.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline nah

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #29 on: May 16, 2018, 10:31:51 AM »
I also gained weight and he made it known that disgusted him. Well that didn’t help matters. Thanks to the LBS diet though, I’m smoking hot again! Lol.

I'm glad you're smoking hot,... but that doesn't have to do with a number on a scale.  It's your attitude.

Nah, lol. You have made my day!
The chubby, non-perfect older woman!!!! No doubt!

^^^
See?

This subject always get my blood boiling.  Not b/c of anything the LBS says, but those damn MLCers that heap all their insecurities on our shoulders. 

the sex hasn’t been enjoyable for years because it lasted a total of about 30 seconds.

^^. His issues not yours.

but the thought of having sex with me made her stomach turn.   

^^
I mean, really, who says sh!t like this but a very very insecure individual?


As crazy as this sounds, nothing pisses me off more than the crappy gaslighting he did to make me feel old, fat and ugly.  Yes, I let him but wtf...  Why couldn't he just say that he was feeling bad about himself and get some help or just leave?  Nope, he had to spend at least a year convincing me that I was past my prime and was oh so lucky that he would even be in the same room with me.

...and listen to the newbies on here every day.  It works.  We walk around like zombies that feel hollow and used up.

I don't care if you have extra weight or not, I don't care if there are wrinkles around the eyes, stretch marks b/c we carried children, the girls hang a little lower than they used to... it doesn't matter.  It's all about confidence and when they shatter ours, we feel like we are all done.

I have a very good friend who was BD almost 15 years ago.  She was heavy and blamed everything on herself for "letting herself go" even though her husband literally ghosted her for over a year b/c he met a 19 yr old.  They lost everything.

Fast forward to today.  She is now the same weight (maybe even bigger) but she is with a great guy that only has eyes for her.  Their smiles couldn't get bigger.  She said to me once, "He knew my size when we met and still wanted to be with me.  I'm now almost 50 and having the best sex in my life". 

Who cares what the MLCers think?  All they know how to do is lie... what does that tell you?
H-54
me-52
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...semi-vanisher
https://heneversaidaword.com

Offline Thunder

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #30 on: May 16, 2018, 10:49:04 AM »
Nah, it's hard when you see these guys getting younger women, because like someone said on here (helping), no one can compete with a 20 year old body when their 50 years old.  But that goes both ways.  Men too can't compete with a 20 year old guy when their 50.

M XH NOW can admit that.  He looks great but he told me no matter how good I look I will never have that 20 year old skin.  That firm, young skin.  It's just part of being young.  No one will keep that skin forever.  We all age.
But to be honest I find him much more attractive now then when he was 21.  I like the man body better.

Now having said that a lot of men like older women because the are more confident in their sexuality.  They don't play silly girl games.  They are not timid with what they want or afraid to go after it. (in the bedroom)  It's ok to be the initiator.   ;D

I agree with you nah, sexy is about attitude.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #31 on: May 16, 2018, 11:23:07 AM »
My body has never been perfect. I have been ''cuddly'' since I was 14.

There are several instances when I worked out and got a personal trainer and was looking pretty hour glassy...but he always gets insecure and convinces me that I need to quit, or we don't have the money, or ''Here have a cake''.  ::)

If anything Beast probably kept me ''cuddly'' because he somehow feels more secure.

But even through monster, and after bomb drop, he has never commented about me being to fat or old or ugly. In fact he has often made comments like ''I'd still do you'' or ''You are smoking, you will find a nicer guy than me''.

I do get a bit self conscious that going 'back on the dating market' would be difficult. But I think that stems not just from body issues, but trust issues, and the fact that I have three kids. Who wants that package when they can get some stick thin, single woman with no kids?! ::)

Eventually I will bump into someone, just like I did with Beast. But I can say that I do not think his MLC had anything to do with our sex life. We were a couple time a weekers, albeit sometimes in the locked bathroom but whatever you have to do with young kids right?! ;)

I am sure there is an element of me being his first, and now he is finally with someone else...someone new and different....but I highly doubt it is better. It is great at the time sure, but every time he will feel guilty and wrong, every time becomes less fulfilling...

The only bonus she has that I do not...is freedom of no kids. Nothing else compares.  ;)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline 20thcenturygirl

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #32 on: May 16, 2018, 11:53:39 AM »
This is interesting.
Immediately after BD my H wanted to lie and cuddle with me alot as it helped him (bizarrely we had to do this whilst watching a television documentary about an elderly long married couple of actors who were traveling the canals of the UK in a long boat).  This would inevitably lead to sex.   

However , this soon stopped as he said that "sex should be for people in a committed relationship."  Yes, I can almost laugh at this comment now given that he was already involved with OW. 
He did start to reminisce about how great the sex was when we first met though. Sex before my hysterectomy scars and before my body was ravaged by child rearing.  I am not that out of shape now I might add just probably lacking in confidence. 
Since discovering who the OW is I have had a major wobble of confidence.  She just exudes obvious sexuality - her instagram account is full of pics of her in bikinis and skimpy outfits, leopard skin dresses in provocative poses, crotch thrust towards the camera.  She was also a massage therapist.   You get the idea. 

It made me feel horribly, horribly ashamed about my part in the "hysterical bonding" sex after BD.  I can only imagine how they were laughing at my patheticness and lack of sexual imagination. 

I cannot even begin to imagine ever having a physical relationship with someone else. 
H 62
Me 51
BD October 31st 2017
Three months of confusion & coming & going
Left Home December 28th 2017
OW living the life with him January 31st 2018 - met her whilst walking dogs, and it is really, really an affair down!
He denies she exists

Offline Defying_Gravity

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #33 on: May 16, 2018, 12:39:06 PM »
For 25+ years he boasted to all his friends how his wife was a "crazy red-headed nympho"... I was all over him, all the time.  Then he started to change and HE pushed ME away.  I thought he was having erectile issues (which he was) so I didn't pressure him.  Believe me, it wasn't b/c I didn't want it.  I love sex.  After he left I found a mountain of Viagra in his nightstand.  He hated that stuff, said it gave him a headache... but he needed it to impress the young girls.  The last thing I was worried about even then, was that he was having some wild sex party without me.  He couldn't keep up with me then, so there is no way in Hell he could keep up with me now.  I wouldn't at all be surprised if the Mrs-tress is frigid and thanks her lucky stars every night that she gets to live in a big sex-free house b/c that's all she wanted anyways.

My h also has ED, during sex. He was my first, I was his third. For almost 7 years out of the nine I believed I wasn't good enough in bed or something. H compensated, so our sex life was really good, for me at least. But I always felt like I left him unsatisfied (he always said this wasn't the case). When I asked him what the reason was. He always pointed to stress at work, tiredness, the cold etc. Then we started trying to conceive and it became a real issue. But 5 months in I was pregnant. The pregnancy was a miscarriage, molar pregnancy and that molar pregnancy became choriocarcinoma. After that I couldn't conceive for a year. And still stupid I never said let's get this checked by a doctor during that whole year.

After that year we started trying again until doctors checked our fertility. There were no severe issues, but just because we were already waiting so long. We were going to start with hormone treatment, or rather I was and then doctors would say when ovulation would be. By that time I was so fed up. I was crying her, almost ready to give up my marriage and told him that something had to change. We went to my GP. He asked me to join. His GP had just retired and he never met this guy. So he needed some mental support. GP prescribed something (not viagra). It worked perfectly. After 9 years I finally discovered this $h!te wasn't my fault. Once during one of his meltdowns I told him. That for a very long time I believed it was. He cried when I told him that. Like some other LBS said here, my H never (not even at BD) monstered to me about sex. He didn't say anything bad about that. What he monstered about was love or rather infatuation ("I never felt for you what I feel for OW", which is logical because he didn't fell head over heels for me, still it hurt that he said that).

They work perfectly for him, has to take them everyday and almost no side-effects except for extra sweating. I once had an hysteroscopy and asked him why he would take him during the time we couldn't have sex. Because they are bad for his heart and his dad has an heart condition. He said: it's for my self esteem." He didn't have a PA with OW back then. When he left here for one week and I asked why he packed them. He said the same. Now I know he is taking them for OW. And when his prescription ran out the last time. It was me he went to GP for something I needed and asked for a new prescription and also asked if the generic version was finally available (cheaper). GP then prescribed a big box. So he still has at least a month in that box, because I did the effort. I wonder if he will go to GP again when he all used them.

4 months I got the benefits of these pills. Now OW goes running of with it and she doesn't even know about these problems. For all I know he will keep it a secret from her as long as this last. And if it ever becomes a real R. He doesn't have to tell her either. I contemplated to hide them (Before BD, I once put them in the cupboard when the cleaning lady came and he couldn't find them back then. So I could easily say I misplaced them), but find it a bit childish. Replacing them with laxatives would be another option. But they have a specific shape and color. So he would notice immediately. So if anyone knows what I can do with them  ;).

The same with man scaping. In December he all of the sudden started man scaping. By that time I was keeping my eye on OW. When I discovered that she was sending him EA texts (he at that time said to her that he wasn't interested). I asked him did you do this for her or for me? He responded: "I did this for myself." We went to a spinning class and apparently the guys in his shower all did it and he felt embarrassed. I never asked him to do it, because I didn't found it to be necessary and you indeed I believe this is something you have to choose yourself. But I must admit I liked it when he started. Now I don't get those benefits either.

Anyway long story short in my case it is quite the opposite of what you describe!

Quote
So question for the men on this thread...

Would you rather have sex with a perfect body that just lays there and prays it will be over soon

or

A chubby non-perfect older woman who actually wants to enjoy sex and not your bank account??

I have an hourglass body and when my LBS diet started after BD. I lost 4 pounds in two days. I was underweight at that time and couldn't do all the sports I like to practice. Luckily I regained those pounds. OW is older than me and more chubby. And considering that my self esteem about sex wasn't that high because of his ED. I sometimes wonder now if she is better. She might indeed compensate it (not that I just lay there  :) ) in some other way.

Mind you it is not because OW is chubby that I think I'm more attractive than her. I once had this discussion with h when there was no affair going on yet but I discovered the texts. "That you would ever consider someone like her instead of me?" He said: "yeah I know you are skinnier". I said: "this has nothing to do with weight. But with class." (I indeed dress sexy and when we went to restaurants sophisticated. I made an effort, even after 9 years). "And by the way she wears capris" (there is this fashion guru on television here, that always claims this is the biggest no go, for men and women so it was a joke :-)). And then he said: "I don't judge a book by its cover." Well great all this effort for years and years and for what so he can go running of with someone that dresses like a nun. But clearly isn't one. The day after this conversation, he did say he noticed the difference between me and her class wise. And that he didn't mean it like that.

Boy if this thread would have started on a Friday!!! I think we would have hit 150 post by lunch.
I think it was Treasur said, We are all sex deprived LBS!
I'm surprised this subject doesn't come up more often!

LOL watch this topic explode on Friday  :D! I'm already deprived and we stopped having sex about one month before BD. So a total of two months for me now. Imagine what this going to be in a few months from now.

I do get a bit self conscious that going 'back on the dating market' would be difficult. But I think that stems not just from body issues, but trust issues, and the fact that I have three kids. Who wants that package when they can get some stick thin, single woman with no kids?! ::)

Same, I have trust issues now. I have known this man for most of my life first as a best friend, later as a BF and now as an h. I knew all of his ex GF's.  Never did he ever do this to a woman. Never did I expect that he would do this. I trusted this man with my life. And now I will have to trust someone new. Who I don't know, who might be a jerk from the beginning. It scares me. Never will I ever trust someone like that again. Also it scares me that I never had to date. I always fell for friends (but now all of my friends are settled). And he was the first one where it did became an R.

I have no kids but since we were trying to conceive this worries me know. Because besides dating, I'm also looking for a potential father which is even harder.

Mind you all of my friends think I will be off the dating market in no time. Because I am that skinny woman with no kids. One of my colleagues today even said so: "what an idiot. I know you are not ready to go 'on the market 'again now. But you are smoking hot. You will have a new BF the second you start to date." (That colleague is married btw and meant nothing with it besides to complement me). Very nice of him to say so. But he is also completely right I'm nowhere ready to start dating again. Moreover I liked my R so much and I am really losing my best friend in this. So for now I choose to stand!
« Last Edit: May 16, 2018, 12:50:00 PM by Insecurity_08 »
Me: 33
H: 39
T: 9 M: almost 3
No kids, been trying to conceive for almost 3 years (with a one year break in between)
BD1: December 2017, OW sends inappropriate texts to H. H keeps this a secret until I discover it. Basically EA
March 2018: H claims having doubts about our R
BD2: April 2018: H wants a divorce and ILYBINILWY
A with OW, probably PA but no confirmation. OW is still married
H left home. I'm no longer standing. D process will start at 9/11/2018

Online Helpingme!

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #34 on: May 16, 2018, 01:51:42 PM »
Thunder, I meant that both ways now, not just women. You already know that.
Y'all ladies need too know, all that your H said us BS.
No man falls in love with a body, and no man stays married too a body. 
I can assure you not one man on here would rather have a hot body that's a dud b!t#$! Over a cuddly, pudgy woman that loves them, ha. NOT ONE!!! And too add what Thunder said, more experienced woman is way better.
I agree with Nah, who cares what MLCer says anyway. It is all lies.

Offline hope

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #35 on: May 16, 2018, 02:22:53 PM »
My MLCer's OW1 was kind enough to send me a home movie! It was not what I feared at all, connection, intimacy, emotion, evidence of love - instead I saw sexual 'acts' - May sound messed up, but I felt a bit sorry for her - it was so disconnected, ugly, desperate - vindictive.
In the end, maybe that's why there does come a point when it all starts to look so much like bad theater - like the MLCer acting in an improv play that's based on their pre MLC lives...the one tat was so unbearable they to escape from! They seem to need to know we're somewhere in the audience - to shake us up a bit when we look like we're losing interest and wave to us now and then for reassurance. And the saddest part of it is that before we figured out the name of the play was MLC, we jumped right up on the stage with them.
They want to tear us down the most in the beginning - when they are losing consciousness - an indication of the growing intensity of their fear and the need to not face RL. I always remember reading that a 'conscious man thinks about what he has, whereas an unconscious man can only think about what he doesn't have". A bit off topic but these are where my thoughts just took me. Hope

Offline Anjae

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #36 on: May 16, 2018, 04:49:55 PM »
My husband of 14 years told me 2 weeks after BD that he couldn't hug ME because it felt like he was cheating?!  :o

Where is the logic in that one exactly?  ::)

Thought I was the only one who have heard such thing.  ::) Did you said logic? You know, logic and MLC... how to put it... don't go together?  ;) ;D ;D ;D ;D

OW/OM has nothing to do with us, looks, etc. The world's female or male supermodel, if having a MLCer spouse, would have had the same happening to them.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline 20thcenturygirl

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #37 on: May 16, 2018, 04:54:21 PM »
Quote
My MLCer's OW1 was kind enough to send me a home movie! It was not what I feared at all, connection, intimacy, emotion, evidence of love - instead I saw sexual 'acts' -

 :o :o This is truly awful.  Please don't say he is still with her? 
H 62
Me 51
BD October 31st 2017
Three months of confusion & coming & going
Left Home December 28th 2017
OW living the life with him January 31st 2018 - met her whilst walking dogs, and it is really, really an affair down!
He denies she exists

Offline Broken hearted 1971

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #38 on: May 16, 2018, 04:56:33 PM »
Nah
Older chubby women everyday of the week. No fun if its not mutually pleasurable
Married 28yrs at bd childhood sweethearts together at 14 and 16 years old
Bd 8\28\16 i can't take the way you are, im moving, no tears. I knew i had a problem, i talked her into staying.
D day1 11\2\17 affair uncovered. 16m long i didn't have a clue
D day2 2\16\18 2 weeks emailing, burner phone
MLCer changed her life after d day 2.  I\c counseling, EMDR. Childhood trauma the cause
We are reconciling
Reconciling is not for the weak!! Must have unconditional love

Offline nah

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #39 on: May 16, 2018, 05:05:03 PM »
Nah
Older chubby women everyday of the week. No fun if its not mutually pleasurable

Hell Yeah!!

Bonus... The sh!t keeps shaking even when we stop.   ;)  ;D ;D
H-54
me-52
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...semi-vanisher
https://heneversaidaword.com

Offline OneHotMess

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #40 on: May 16, 2018, 05:16:17 PM »
You have to keep in mind these affair partners have nothing to do with looks or what their body looks like, it's all emotional and how these ow/om's make them feel.  That's why they could be anyone.  They were just there and willing to lower themselves to date a married person.

Some of these OP's are down right unattractive.  It doesn't matter because it's not about sex.
Most of the time the spouse IS much better looking.

I just got a text from a man that was a friend of a friend before all of this. I hadn’t talked to him in about 6 months and it said “ OMG, I just ran into h and his cousin. She is hideous and he definitely downgraded from you”  I laughed so hard when i got that message.

I will admit that I let myself go over the years. Since he, I have lost 70 lbs and h has never noticed. He even said “ you claim to have lost weight”. At that time I was down 40 lbs in 3 months.
M 40
H 41
Ow 41( his 1st cousin) moved in May 23, 2017, she went back to her husband Oct 2017
Ow moved back with her 2 kids Jan 1 2018 even with courts cutting his visitation with his kids because of it
T-19 yr M-14 yrs
S13 & D7
BD  February 12 2017 & April 22 2017 (signs of MLC since 2015)
I filed for divorce June 2 2017 for protection- final August 9, 2018

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8791.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8948.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9189.0

Offline barbiedoll

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #41 on: May 16, 2018, 06:09:38 PM »
Hmmmm, something very unsettling about this conversation and I am going to add my 2 cents and likely rock some boats . It is a sensitive part of who we feel we are as women, partners and human beings . To be rejected ( or to feel rejection) sexually is very painfull indeed. It seems we automatically assess our "looks , our bodies and our attractiveness" and I see statement after statement about comparisons between ourselves and the OW ( or OM) . I believe MOST of us ( if not all) do this . Once we belive that our spouses "prefer" someone else...right or wrong... we usually land on some defect or fault in us . There really is nothing more painfull to feel rejection whether it is emotionally, physically or in any other way. We seem to default in casting a feeling of "something is wrong with me " and clearly something is wrong with our partners.

I did that . And every single person I have had blunt and honest conversations about the depth of pain this rejection cost us , have said the same thing exactly. We became some self inflicted "not enough " version of who we were ". This is a natural human response to our partner rejecting us on a most intimate level. I believe that it is a rare person that does not feel that

When I fully understood that my husband had been sexually intimate with another women....everything inside of ME changed . I absolutely 100% felt my sense of self esteem shake, shudder and walk away. I felt "ugly" in many many ways and felt deep humiliation...All these reactions due to the decisions and actions of SOMEONE ELSE" made me furious. This was not something I brought apon myself...this was my reaction TO behaviour and choices of another person. For myself only, it was shattering as I already had a deep wound of "feeling less than/ ugly" due to a scar , skin grafting as a result of a birthmark on my face. Just under my nose ...like a hitler moustache". I was bullied and often socially withdrew as a result. So his rejection hit a dead bulls eye of a long festering childhood wound I had done battle with for decades . That indeed I was in fact ugly . His actions ignited a deep traumatic wound that was always there ...long before him. I cry typing this ..wow, that is an "ouchy". Still.  My therapist often reminds me “ Barbiedoll, not ALL this pain belongs to your husband “.  There was pre-existing  wounds .

Then we simply have to examine ALL of ourselves. What is all this profound pain? Did I ever have real self esteem? Why do I not love "myself " enough to withstand this rejection in a healthier way ? Why do I even see it as a rejection of ME? Why do I feel I am "not enough" and SHE is better ? WTF is wrong with ME afterall?. It is truly traumatic for many of us , takes years of therapy to recover "self" ...never mind trying to put a marriage back together .  Afterall...this is his crisis and has NOTHING to do with me . And yet, in reaction, I shattered into pieces I still cannot find. It is now a crisis of our own in many many ways .

I do not believe his affair ( or any affair) had to do with sex. That is NOT to say that feeling desired and the passion of "new and exciting " partner does not make a man in MLC "feel" good about himself ...atleast superficially or initially. I believe it feels wonderfull , exciting and validating in the beginning. Of course. Otherwise why would you go back for more ? Why would an affair last more than one night stand ?. Because it feels good ... when in many ways men in MLC seem to have lost the ability to "feel" anything . My husband will tell me he had ZERO emotional connection with her . NONE. And this I believe 100 % . I have had many a therapist tell me he had "no ability whatsoever" to emotionally feel a healthy emotional connection to anything or anyone. Period. This "affair" created an emotional connection to parts of himself that were lost internally or subconsciously from his childhood woundings. In his case ...I have been assured many many times that this was a subconscious act of re-enactment of mother abandonment as a toddler. It is sooo complex ..an average person could never understand . Regardless ...my husband repeatedly over and over and over will insist that there was NO emotional connection whatsoever and the sex was "ordinary , initiated or expected from her , he saw no stars or stripes, the earth did not move" etc etc . Hmmm ... well, he was the King of Asshats then and in many ways the title remains. I have a very hard time believing or accepting that . But ...what choice is there ? He tells me he can get aroused sexually from a 10.00 magazine , a movie or squirrels humping in the backyard... how important was she ? It had nothing to do with sex. It had nothing to do with an emotional attachment to HER...more about an undescribable emotional connection or completion of missing parts of HIMSELF. Maybe this is what a "journey to wholeness " means . It was about how he felt about HIMSELF when he was with her ...NOT how he felt about HER . My husband dumped his affair-cow so quickly, so easily ...back in the dumpster he put her and he closed the lid .

I likely have wondered sooo far off point, I have lost my point. For myself only ... my husband NEVER said anything personal to me . That I was unattractive or he had no desire for me . I would not have recovered ..of that I am positive. He did however sexually or physically withdraw from me as " he did not want to give me the wrong message ...the marriage was over ".  Having said that ...he then often cuddled up and did initiate sexual contact . So he slept with me and her at the same time and that is just a blunt fact. Without my knowledge, consent or permission to share my body with some easy, immoral skank that was dumb enough to lay down with an out of control married man . I guarantee with out 1 second of hesitation , had I known that she existed ?. He would have been gone before the sun set and not EVER permitted on the property ... let alone inside of me . EVER.
I believe men most certainly can have sex without any emotional connection whatsoever… of course. So can many  women . My husband and I were asked by the therapist to describe our sex life prior to all this . I was silent as I am no longer sure of anything . What I “”thought it was “ and what he thought , could be two entirely different things apparently . He spoke about having a great sex life thru the entire marriage …and that is what I always thought as well. NOW we have issues .. or I guess I have issues .

Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline Kitty

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #42 on: May 16, 2018, 06:23:00 PM »
It wasn’t about sex with Grumpy. We were going at it like rabbits (he was only just starting to have ED issues)up to the day he told me he wanted a separation. Even after he still told me that it wasn’t me, and if things don’t work out between us there will be guys lined up to date me.

When I found out about OW it shattered my confidence, because he always told me that he loved me, and that he didn’t care that I was chubby, but OW was significantly smaller than me.

He did tell me though in one of his moments of clarity that it wasn’t so much about the sex with her as it was she made him feel special, she listened to him when he texted her  ::) and she understood him.


Me 38; H 42
Together 21 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD - Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.

Offline hope

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #43 on: May 16, 2018, 06:34:34 PM »
20th Century : It was pretty traumatic - I really had to double check myself as I thought I was able to rationalize it maybe a little too quickly. Looking back I can see how I had already began to detach. So its as if there were different stages of processing - like I can't unsee what I saw - but I'd have to dig a bit to recall the absolute detail. I mean I did not know who this man was 99.9% of the time; he was hungover or high - horrible. And like everyone else describes here, there were times when H would suddenly peak out, only to descend into deeper holes. He was with her for maybe 18 months, it was not exclusive - That particular OW was extreme, I had no idea such women existed. But the MO for these people is pretty much the same. I sometimes think that the fact that there were so many OW and my H had been faithful and loving throughout our marriage, helps me in a way. The film told me she was losing her grip and I knew the end must be close. Like 'here's something to make sure you'll never take him back.' 
Another strange thing I just remembered. I had a fantastic massage and acupuncture guy and I used to spill at the beginning of the sessions sometimes. One time he greets me as always with
"So what been going on with you, Hope"
I tell him I have this feeling that I WANT TO HAVE SEX ..LIKE ALL THE TIME. That I even told a male friend who owned a bar, that if I got over amorous with him, he was to put me straight in a taxi and send me home. It was crazy, like all the time and I had never felt like that in my life before.
So he says that he's been treating a few people who have described the same thing and that it's actually acute anxiety and how we associate with the same feeling we get when we're about to orgasm. So interesting.
Don't worry, once I understood it, I was fine...never felt it again. Hope x

Online Tyks

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #44 on: May 16, 2018, 07:10:43 PM »
Family,  you just described our sex life in a nutshell.  It is very unfortunate.  And then at Bd I got all this spew about how,  in his mind,  he could never please me,  sexually or otherwise.  Made no sense to me...  I believe it was all in his head. 

The summer of Bd he spent a lot of time building a new shed.  A week after Bd he had to come over and close the pool.  Of course I looked great but he wouldn't even look at me.  I tried flirting with him and asked him if he wanted to have sex in the shed.  He looked at me with such contempt in his eyes (or maybe it was surprise)  and he calmly said thanks but no thanks. I was so upset for days after that.  Thanks but no thanks,  really? 

He spewed many terrible things to me the days following.  I let myself go.  He's not attracted to me.  He doesn't wanna settle anymore,  blah blah.  Then the first day of school we had all slept in BC we had had an emotional week.  He knocked on the door and woke me up.  I answered the door in my pajamas and suddenly I felt completely under dressed in front of a man that I had been with since 1994!!!  I knew that day that I would never be able to sleep with him again. 

My self esteem was wrecked as it had taken years to feel good about myself after an abusive childhood.  I went to the extreme and had some plastic surgery done after losing 45 lbs.  I still didn't feel good about myself.  It is going to take a long time,  as Barbiedoll said,  to heal those wounds.

The thing is,  when you meet a man who likes you for you they think you are smoking hot when you wear their tshirt lol.  So I don't believe it has all that much to do with looks after the first few meetings.  I think it is all emotional and I believe that that is what draws them to the op.  The op is filling some sort of emotional connection that the mlcer feels is lacking. 

Omg just thinking about and writing about Bd and shortl after is making me cry :( I don't think that it is something that we will ever get over even after we are in a new loving relationship.
Me 49
Him 49
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out
D16 D19
April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce
Divorce final February 12 2018

Offline hope

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #45 on: May 16, 2018, 08:22:39 PM »
Barbie. You may not think it. But your mind sounds so healthy and your observations are always spot on to me. My MLCer needed to be high to do what he was doing. I also believe there is zero emotional connection to OW and it seems this is a place where we get stuck for a time. Our reactions, our self-doubt is completely natural and maybe we wouldn't be looking for those broken parts of ourselves that we now know existed in us before BD. We need to reconcile this with ourselves before we can even think about reconciling this with our spouses. I have never been to an IC, but like Treasur I moved away and I built a place by the sea and that has given me a lot of space to consider everything. I can't imagine how difficult this would be if I were figuring this out with my H here. Stay strong. Hope

Offline TryinSoul

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #46 on: May 16, 2018, 09:37:01 PM »
I want to say it’s likely been 22 months or just less since I was last initimate with my X.  I was in a situation shortly after separation when I was in my two weeks of revenge phase, that didn’t go so well.  The first and only physical contact during these 22 months(the woman touching my hand), made me feel like I was cheating.  I don’t think I would feel that way now, but I do think I would feel I was closing the door completely.  I’m attracted to other women, more than my X currently(OMs are turnoffs, call me crazy), but they are not her.  When I try to envision being with someone else, it just doesn’t look or feel right.  My self image is higher than its ever been.  I look better than I have in probably 15 years or more. 

I think part of it is I’m not ready to close the door and part of it is I should try to envision holding hands or perhaps hugging or kissing a woman rather than all of it.  Until I’m more sure, I suppose the months will just keep adding on.  It’s is a bit frustrating since I went off ADs just before separation and that put my libido into serious overdrive.  It’s my choice though and I’m happy with it.
All that counts, is what comes next.

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #47 on: May 17, 2018, 02:24:33 AM »
Call me crazy but I think the reasons we ''can't imagine anyone else'' or ''it doesn't feel right'' is because as LBS the majority of us have a pretty good loyalty streak. While we are married, and while there is still a chance of Recon. we can't even contemplate it because our loyalty belongs to our spouse.

I think it is only when that loyalty is completely shattered, can we move on and share with someone else. But for most of us, once that happens, I very much doubt there would be a going back. Because that new person, who comes into your life, they will now have that loyalty.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Defying_Gravity

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #48 on: May 17, 2018, 02:52:38 AM »
Call me crazy but I think the reasons we ''can't imagine anyone else'' or ''it doesn't feel right'' is because as LBS the majority of us have a pretty good loyalty streak. While we are married, and while there is still a chance of Recon. we can't even contemplate it because our loyalty belongs to our spouse.

I think it is only when that loyalty is completely shattered, can we move on and share with someone else. But for most of us, once that happens, I very much doubt there would be a going back. Because that new person, who comes into your life, they will now have that loyalty.

I indeed think this is exactly it. If and when I ever decide to date again and H comes knocking at my door: "I've made the biggest mistake of my life." I will not take him back. It wouldn't be fair to the new man in my life to use him as a back-up plan. Because that's what my h claimed he did to me. A back-up plan that lasted for 9 years (right ...). It is because at this point in my life I would still take him back (and we are pretty soon after BD), so there is no place for another man in my life right now.

Also I doubt that H would do it then. He would probably talk about it with his friends and family when he is drunk (otherwise he can't talk about his feelings). Or even say it at one point to OW/or another GF. But he would never show up at my door. He is to damn stubborn for it. The relationship with his third xGF lasted for 2 years. And for 6 years after that relationship ended he still believed she was the love of his live (sometimes he claims she still is, but she has moved on now ...). He broke things of with her, because her family wouldn't accept him and that gave her doubts about their R. As soon as she expressed doubt he broke things off. And then decided to dwell on her for 6 years. He could easily asked her to give him a second chance at any point she was single. He never did. Maybe because somewhere deep inside he knew she wasn't the love of his live. Something that last for 2 years, is mostly not even past the infatuation phase. They also never lived together. In year 7 after the break-up our R started. And then we had 9 beautiful years, would have been 10 at the end of this year. And still he now compares the feelings for OW to the feelings he had for said ex. And claims to have never had them for me.

Anyway this left aside. If he didn't do it with her, I doubt he will ever show me remorse at a point where I have moved on. I hope to see this remorse before this point. Because even though it is like you said about loyalty. And I would never take him back as soon as I moved on. It would just be nice to hear from him that he indeed made a mistake!
Me: 33
H: 39
T: 9 M: almost 3
No kids, been trying to conceive for almost 3 years (with a one year break in between)
BD1: December 2017, OW sends inappropriate texts to H. H keeps this a secret until I discover it. Basically EA
March 2018: H claims having doubts about our R
BD2: April 2018: H wants a divorce and ILYBINILWY
A with OW, probably PA but no confirmation. OW is still married
H left home. I'm no longer standing. D process will start at 9/11/2018

Online Whyus

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #49 on: May 17, 2018, 03:50:57 AM »
Call me crazy but I think the reasons we ''can't imagine anyone else'' or ''it doesn't feel right'' is because as LBS the majority of us have a pretty good loyalty streak. While we are married, and while there is still a chance of Recon. we can't even contemplate it because our loyalty belongs to our spouse.
Nothing crazy about that Mort.

I think it is only when that loyalty is completely shattered, can we move on and share with someone else. But for most of us, once that happens, I very much doubt there would be a going back. Because that new person, who comes into your life, they will now have that loyalty.
Exactly, it depends on howmuch OP and Spouce are in your face. in my case they do not do anything in public except hit the Gym together.... But, some of my neighbours, mates, my Kids mates, workmates and band colleagues use the Gym too and it was just too much for me. I had to just let go and accept that i couldnt live like that anymore.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Online One day at a time

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #50 on: May 17, 2018, 02:24:33 PM »

Also I doubt that H would do it then. He would probably talk about it with his friends and family when he is drunk (otherwise he can't talk about his feelings). Or even say it at one point to OW/or another GF. But he would never show up at my door. He is to damn stubborn for it.

This is my worst fear... He's stubborn and HATES to be wrong.. I feel I have 0 chances of him coming back, even if he really feels he made a huge mistake. And that makes me so very sad  :'( :'(
H - 41
M - 41
Together 15 years, M 8
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017
BD2 - 22nd March 2018
H left home 11th May 2018 (my decision) - Moved in with parents
EA with someone 12,000 kms away!!
Trying very hard to let go...

Offline OneHotMess

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #51 on: May 17, 2018, 03:57:09 PM »

Also I doubt that H would do it then. He would probably talk about it with his friends and family when he is drunk (otherwise he can't talk about his feelings). Or even say it at one point to OW/or another GF. But he would never show up at my door. He is to damn stubborn for it.

This is my worst fear... He's stubborn and HATES to be wrong.. I feel I have 0 chances of him coming back, even if he really feels he made a huge mistake. And that makes me so very sad  :'( :'(

My h is the same way. He has gone out of his way to turn everyone against me. How do you come back from that?
M 40
H 41
Ow 41( his 1st cousin) moved in May 23, 2017, she went back to her husband Oct 2017
Ow moved back with her 2 kids Jan 1 2018 even with courts cutting his visitation with his kids because of it
T-19 yr M-14 yrs
S13 & D7
BD  February 12 2017 & April 22 2017 (signs of MLC since 2015)
I filed for divorce June 2 2017 for protection- final August 9, 2018

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8791.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8948.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9189.0

Offline Defying_Gravity

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #52 on: May 18, 2018, 01:13:31 AM »

Also I doubt that H would do it then. He would probably talk about it with his friends and family when he is drunk (otherwise he can't talk about his feelings). Or even say it at one point to OW/or another GF. But he would never show up at my door. He is to damn stubborn for it.

This is my worst fear... He's stubborn and HATES to be wrong.. I feel I have 0 chances of him coming back, even if he really feels he made a huge mistake. And that makes me so very sad  :'( :'(

He still lives with me, so I'm hoping to see something shift in the time he lives with me. But yeah and I'm stubborn myself, but I don't might admitting that I'm wrong. Somewhere deep inside of me, I'm hoping he has changed a bit. We know each other for such a long time. So maybe I the chance is higher he would admit it to me. But still I really don't know.

My h is the same way. He has gone out of his way to turn everyone against me. How do you come back from that?

My h hasn't done that, on the contrary. His mother ranted at me and now all of the sudden is friendly again. So I'm thinking he told her she should stop doing that. He wants to be my friend, so yeah clearly that's him doing that.
Me: 33
H: 39
T: 9 M: almost 3
No kids, been trying to conceive for almost 3 years (with a one year break in between)
BD1: December 2017, OW sends inappropriate texts to H. H keeps this a secret until I discover it. Basically EA
March 2018: H claims having doubts about our R
BD2: April 2018: H wants a divorce and ILYBINILWY
A with OW, probably PA but no confirmation. OW is still married
H left home. I'm no longer standing. D process will start at 9/11/2018

Online Helpingme!

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #53 on: May 18, 2018, 03:16:04 AM »
Insecure
Mine also lives with me. Yes, we are both hard headed. But like you, I've always been first too say I was wrong. 
I've read alot of MIL, or family really blame , or get angry at LBS at first. They want too say it's our fault. They DAMN sure dont want too admit their baby is wrong. But after awhile they see who is in the wrong and change their ways. 

It's Friday, just saying.  Have a good one.

Online One day at a time

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #54 on: May 18, 2018, 03:44:24 AM »
Mine doesn't live with me and that was my choice, I asked him to move out. I just couldn't deal with the constant acts of rejection, I was not happy being a roommate and I wanted to be intimate with him (although I never told him).. I also felt the urge to "fix" him and I know that's the last thing I should be doing. I don't know if asking him to move out was the right or wrong thing to do but I guess it was self preservation. The state of confusion and limbo was soul destroying. We have no kids and our financial situation allowed us to do it so in that sense I was lucky. 

And back to the main point of this thread, I really can't see myself with anyone else. He was the best lover I ever had. I have to confess that the last few years had been somewhat boring in bed but the ultimate goal was achieved most of the time (if you know what I mean!) My confidence hasn't suffered that much, probably down to the fact that he has not been as mean as other MLCers. I'm pretty fit and the LBS diet has helped me shave a few extra pounds I carried. I know that for my age, I look pretty well.. But all of that doesn't really matter when the man that you really really want does not want you back.. and that sucks!
H - 41
M - 41
Together 15 years, M 8
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017
BD2 - 22nd March 2018
H left home 11th May 2018 (my decision) - Moved in with parents
EA with someone 12,000 kms away!!
Trying very hard to let go...

Offline Defying_Gravity

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #55 on: May 18, 2018, 03:46:37 AM »
Insecure
Mine also lives with me. Yes, we are both hard headed. But like you, I've always been first too say I was wrong. 
I've read alot of MIL, or family really blame , or get angry at LBS at first. They want too say it's our fault. They DAMN sure dont want too admit their baby is wrong. But after awhile they see who is in the wrong and change their ways. 

It's Friday, just saying.  Have a good one.

I have to admit. MIL wished me a Happy Birthday on FB last week. And now she made an order through h for a good cause I support and sell things for. She doesn’t communicate with me directly, but I’ve already noticed changes!

And I will :-)!
Me: 33
H: 39
T: 9 M: almost 3
No kids, been trying to conceive for almost 3 years (with a one year break in between)
BD1: December 2017, OW sends inappropriate texts to H. H keeps this a secret until I discover it. Basically EA
March 2018: H claims having doubts about our R
BD2: April 2018: H wants a divorce and ILYBINILWY
A with OW, probably PA but no confirmation. OW is still married
H left home. I'm no longer standing. D process will start at 9/11/2018

Online Helpingme!

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #56 on: May 18, 2018, 03:52:37 AM »
I think all marriages go thru a slump, or get boring if you want too say in that category. I think it's just a stage. But you get past it and just do more too make it not boring.
That part is completely normal in a marriage.
The roommate status???? Man, do I know that.  I actually just said fine, ok then. I was just that. Roommate. I think it helped me detach.

Offline Defying_Gravity

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #57 on: May 18, 2018, 03:54:10 AM »
Mine doesn't live with me and that was my choice, I asked him to move out. I just couldn't deal with the constant acts of rejection, I was not happy being a roommate and I wanted to be intimate with him (although I never told him).. I also felt the urge to "fix" him and I know that's the last thing I should be doing. I don't know if asking him to move out was the right or wrong thing to do but I guess it was self preservation. The state of confusion and limbo was soul destroying. We have no kids and our financial situation allowed us to do it so in that sense I was lucky. 

I get that. I contemplated it too for several times. Because he wants to live with me like a roommate. On the other hand I can see shifts in him sometimes which I wouldn't see if he weren't home. But if he indeed decides to file for d. He can leave again. Like you said I don't need a friend or a roommate. I need a life partner. We don't have kids either, but were trying to conceive up until a month before BD. So it's hard.

Quote
And back to the main point of this thread, I really can't see myself with anyone else.

...

My confidence hasn't suffered that much, probably down to the fact that he has not been as mean as other MLCers. I'm pretty fit and the LBS diet has helped me shave a few extra pounds I carried. I know that for my age, I look pretty well.. But all of that doesn't really matter when the man that you really really want does not want you back.. and that sucks!

Same!
Me: 33
H: 39
T: 9 M: almost 3
No kids, been trying to conceive for almost 3 years (with a one year break in between)
BD1: December 2017, OW sends inappropriate texts to H. H keeps this a secret until I discover it. Basically EA
March 2018: H claims having doubts about our R
BD2: April 2018: H wants a divorce and ILYBINILWY
A with OW, probably PA but no confirmation. OW is still married
H left home. I'm no longer standing. D process will start at 9/11/2018

Online Helpingme!

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #58 on: May 18, 2018, 04:09:53 AM »
Insecure
I understand you don't want a friend or a roommate.  I wanted my W too. Not a roomie. But my decision was too not leave. She wasn't leaving. So emotionally it was killing me too live everyday wanting my WIFE back.
Maybe I took roomie too extreme, but it helped me.
I would come and go as I pleased. Waited different times for the bathroom, locked doors, changed behind closed doors. Bought my own groceries. Doubled up on stuff alot, oh well. And yes, once a month, or 2 months, or more. We would be intimate. But there was NO intimacy there, none. It helped with that issue too. Maybe different for women, but for this man, I couldn't do that either. Just hurt too much. So, looking at her and treating her as a roomie, literally, helped me make it through the rough stage.

Offline Defying_Gravity

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #59 on: May 18, 2018, 04:24:31 AM »
Insecure
I understand you don't want a friend or a roommate.  I wanted my W too. Not a roomie. But my decision was too not leave. She wasn't leaving. So emotionally it was killing me too live everyday wanting my WIFE back.
Maybe I took roomie too extreme, but it helped me.
I would come and go as I pleased. Waited different times for the bathroom, locked doors, changed behind closed doors. Bought my own groceries. Doubled up on stuff alot, oh well. And yes, once a month, or 2 months, or more. We would be intimate. But there was NO intimacy there, none. It helped with that issue too. Maybe different for women, but for this man, I couldn't do that either. Just hurt too much. So, looking at her and treating her as a roomie, literally, helped me make it through the rough stage.

Yeah I'm coming more to terms with it now. I'm starting to treat him like a roommate too and it's helping me detach. Every time I detach more, he reacts to it and tries to pull me back I can tell. But in his point of view it's because we are friends not partners. Which is logic in this stage of BD. Being intimate would help me I guess (even though I have no doubts it would be the same as with you and your w). But he has not interest in that what so ever. Lays as far as he can in bed from me.

But what I mean is that there is still some hope deep in my heart that we will be more than roommates again someday when all this MLC madness has passed!
Me: 33
H: 39
T: 9 M: almost 3
No kids, been trying to conceive for almost 3 years (with a one year break in between)
BD1: December 2017, OW sends inappropriate texts to H. H keeps this a secret until I discover it. Basically EA
March 2018: H claims having doubts about our R
BD2: April 2018: H wants a divorce and ILYBINILWY
A with OW, probably PA but no confirmation. OW is still married
H left home. I'm no longer standing. D process will start at 9/11/2018

Online Helpingme!

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #60 on: May 18, 2018, 04:51:27 AM »
Insecure 
Most definetly thwre is hope. We turned our king size bed into 2 twin beds. I didn't even want a freak accident of skin touching. Twin sheets, and 2 different comforters.  Yep, both on very edge of bed, with backs turned. It is very weird,  and takes some time to get used too, well nevermind, I never got used too it.
Yes, more you pull away, the more they check. Intimate part, I never intimate. Let him do it.

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #61 on: May 18, 2018, 06:28:06 AM »
Tykes, we have a lot in common!  Sounds like same situation.

After BD, when I was crying and begging, I got some sexy lingerie from Victoria Secret's.  I told him about it, and he rejected me so horribly, told me to get out of his car with the meanest face I ever saw on him.  Those are scars on my psyche that I can't imagine ever healing. 
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Collaborative Divorce in process (to protect myself)
I don't think I'm standing, but who knows what the future brings.
Two Teenage boys
Me: 55
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Online Enyo

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #62 on: May 18, 2018, 07:03:34 AM »
We had been married almost 34 years at BD and for 33 of those years our sex life was great and regular, even though for the last 4 years of those years H had the occasional ED problems and needed to resort to the blue pills which he found really embarrassing.  The last year before BD it slowed right down mainly because H worked away during the week and at weekends spent his time exercising with OW.  I didn’t know at the time but he and OW were having an EA.  OW is 17 years younger than me fairly attractive in a masculine way but she is able to run and cycle like a man!

One day shortly after BD I went to give H a kiss and the look of revulsion was enough for me never to try to touch him again also during a conversation at this time whilst H was listing my inadequacies he said ‘Oh and in the interest of honesty I only every have ED when I am with you, you were the problem all along’ – ouch!  Not sure how he know because I am fairly sure that sex was not involved at this point.

After BD he stayed in the house for 8 months with absolutely no intimacy, not even touching, EA was continuing.  When he moved out he lived locally for 4 months before putting our (local) flat up for sale and moving 200 miles away – at the time he said he HAD to move.

H and I recently had a conversation where H admitted that the reason he had HAD to move away was because he and OW were ‘getting too close’.  It seems that OW had found out that he was living alone and started visiting him, they probably had sex (don't know and not really interested) but this was obviously not what he wanted from her.  After he moved they continued their EA by text and phone calls (I am not a snooper so I have only ever seen one text H sent to OW – H sent it to our son by accident – and it was very teenage and full of emoji’s) her husband found out about the EA last summer. 

Me 60
MLCer 58
M36 years, Together 38 years
S27 & S25
Aug/Sept 15 - You are getting old before your time and I am never going to get old or retire
BD1 Dec 15 - you've been a wonderful wife and mother but it's not enough!
BD2 - 21 Aug16 - Moved out into our rental flat locally,
Feb 17 - Unhappy, need to move and start a new life with new friends - now know OW H had found out about the relationship - H ran!!!
May 17 - Moved to his parents home Spa town 200 miles away
Oct 18 - Moved to Soulless town
Physical affair with my ex married friend - since around summer of 2015

Offline Defying_Gravity

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #63 on: May 18, 2018, 07:36:05 AM »
Insecure 
Most definetly thwre is hope. We turned our king size bed into 2 twin beds. I didn't even want a freak accident of skin touching. Twin sheets, and 2 different comforters.  Yep, both on very edge of bed, with backs turned. It is very weird,  and takes some time to get used too, well nevermind, I never got used too it.
Yes, more you pull away, the more they check. Intimate part, I never intimate. Let him do it.

For the record I never initiated it either. I can just tell he has no interest in that what so ever. After nine years you know a person's moves to get there  ;).

Offroad
I agree. My ws OM told me it was not about the sex, with W. It was with him though. He actually said he was in MLC. Never told her that of course. She was OW2 too him. Just booty call. His OW1 had cut him off since he wouldn't D his wife.
But he said she just wanted someone too talk too about her problems, somebody that understood her. Of course he was perfect for that. But he said she just gave him sex as a favor(his opinion) for him being nice and listening. Said he could tell she wasn't into it, Just a warm body and let him do as he wanted. Said never seemed as she enjoyed it.
I've heard his side of the deal, not my wife's. I don't talk too him anymore, that was early on in my weak moments as LBS.
But I actually beleive what he said. Diesnt make it feel any better that my W would let a man use her sexually,  just too feel wanted. But , it's a tad better knowing the sex had nothing too do with it.

I read this in several comments here. And although I believe the main reason of the attraction between my h and his OW is definitely not sex. I don't think he only wanted an EA and she insisted on PA. He clearly stated to her in December that he was married and she was just a friend. So she had to stop with her texts.

I said back then during on of the many talks we had about it (he hid the texts from me) that this was a lame explanation to give to her. I asked him do you still love me? Of course I do, he said. Then just being married shouldn't be your explanation, I said, otherwise we could have separated  (without me knowing planted seed nr. 1, but at that time I knew nothing about MLC expect for the cliche image of dating a younger woman and wanting to buy a motor cycle). You should tell her the reason is that you still love me. He told her as such when he went back to work (or at least he told me so).

Later in one of our conversations I said, I hope that when you want to have an physical R with someone else. You will at least have the decency to leave me first, before you do this and you would not cheat on me (seed nr. 2 planted). "Of course I wouldn't do that you he said."

So when I learned after BD that he was pursuing OW. My first thought was. He thought that he could only do this by divorcing me. So that's why in his MLC brain did what he did. He broke up with me like I was his GF at age 16 and then he was free to go and get physical with her without any guilt. Later I learned there was already something going on (EA or PA don't know) before he ever mentioned BD. So definitely not the reason.

And I don't know if he himself would have liked to keep it purely emotional. My h doesn't have a high sex drive, but also not a low one. I know when we were first together how he was. I think after he starting having 'feelings' for her. He couldn't wait to start doing that with her. Although I don't have any proof that they already did have sex. I just think they did. He describes their time together as going for a walk at lunch. But when I just returned home I asked him are you having an affair with her. He said: yes I am. I don't think my h would refer as something that was purely emotional as an affair. So at least kissing would have happened by that point (this was one week after BD). And I don't think he would have waited long with initiating sex.

So I wonder if he ever snaps out of it. If he would give me the same explanation. That he never wanted it to get to that point. I think he would feel really really guilty that he cheated on me, to the point that it might consume him. But really not wanting it at this time. I don't think so. The fact that he absolutely shows no guilt now, says something to me however. Like I said it's like he broke up with me, but that's not how marriage works.
Me: 33
H: 39
T: 9 M: almost 3
No kids, been trying to conceive for almost 3 years (with a one year break in between)
BD1: December 2017, OW sends inappropriate texts to H. H keeps this a secret until I discover it. Basically EA
March 2018: H claims having doubts about our R
BD2: April 2018: H wants a divorce and ILYBINILWY
A with OW, probably PA but no confirmation. OW is still married
H left home. I'm no longer standing. D process will start at 9/11/2018

Offline nah

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #64 on: May 18, 2018, 08:50:54 AM »
I feel it's all so complicated yet simple at the same time.  I know this, because I did it too.

The year before BD, since The Leaver was pushing me away and just plain being mean to me, I grew closer to my younger good-looking boss. 

After BD, I ran to my boss.  I felt old, ugly, fat, unworthy due to The Leaver's gaslighting.  I was in so much pain and I just wanted to run away from life (just like the MLCers).  You see, sometimes their MLC pushes us into one, and that's exactly what happened to me.  So, shortly after BD, after a night of tears and a boatload of martini's I kissed my boss.

I met The Leaver when I was 17, I had never been with anyone else.  This kiss from my boss was right out of a movie, it made me feel alive.  I no longer felt that god awful pain... for about 3 seconds.  Now, if I was the one that destroyed our family, betrayed him, humiliated him, etc... I can see why I would never want to look at him again.  Seeing us makes them feel more shame than they already have inside them.  The other person is a fresh start, they are not better, they are just different.

So, while I was going through the trauma of the divorce, I would visit my boss often and I even called his apartment "my island", I could just forget about my real life while I was with him... and it felt better, it was fake but at least I didn't have to face reality.  Very easy to fall into, again, if I was the one that ran, I can see why I would stay hiding.

The problem was... I didn't love my boss.  Yes, he was younger (8 years), rock hard abs (as opposed to my chubby hubby), and he treated me like a queen.  I still didn't love him.  My boss just wasn't my husband.

It was easier for me to break up with my boss (after about 2 years) because I never made him promises.  He knew I was still in love with my husband.  There were no lies on my part so, he couldn't emotionally blackmail me even though I was still a mess.

Was the sex good?  Yes, not b/c he was more attractive or better in bed, it was good because it was an escape from reality.  That's all it was.  I can see why the MLCers run to these people,... they run to them because they are an escape.  That's it, no more.
H-54
me-52
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...semi-vanisher
https://heneversaidaword.com

Online Helpingme!

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #65 on: May 18, 2018, 09:30:34 AM »
That explains it pretty good Nah.
I do beleive it has nothing to do with physical attraction. It's like you said, something different feeds the excitement. 
Alot of women have wrote their H had ED problems around BD. Well as aging man, I habe read up on that, main causes for the problem is health mainly, and then next in line is stress and depression,  followed by stress medication,  blood pressure meds, and the just out of shape. And of course a man at the time is projecting all of his failures on you, making you out too be the bad one. And as Nah said, the insecure little boy DAMN sure isn't going too man up and say that's my fault, he's going too blame that on you too. I don't think there isn't a MLCer on here that is NOT stressed too the limit, so there you go. Ladies it has nothing too do with your physical appearance. None. It's been said already, and I'm sure all ladies know it, usually all it would take is watching 2 squirrels screwing too start the engines. So it will not crank, there are some major issues, none of them is your body.

I hope y'all have a wonderful weekend.

Offline Defying_Gravity

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #66 on: May 18, 2018, 01:14:03 PM »
I met The Leaver when I was 17, I had never been with anyone else.  This kiss from my boss was right out of a movie, it made me feel alive.  I no longer felt that god awful pain... for about 3 seconds.  Now, if I was the one that destroyed our family, betrayed him, humiliated him, etc... I can see why I would never want to look at him again.  Seeing us makes them feel more shame than they already have inside them.  The other person is a fresh start, they are not better, they are just different.

So, while I was going through the trauma of the divorce, I would visit my boss often and I even called his apartment "my island", I could just forget about my real life while I was with him... and it felt better, it was fake but at least I didn't have to face reality.  Very easy to fall into, again, if I was the one that ran, I can see why I would stay hiding.

The problem was... I didn't love my boss.  Yes, he was younger (8 years), rock hard abs (as opposed to my chubby hubby), and he treated me like a queen.  I still didn't love him.  My boss just wasn't my husband.

It was easier for me to break up with my boss (after about 2 years) because I never made him promises.  He knew I was still in love with my husband.  There were no lies on my part so, he couldn't emotionally blackmail me even though I was still a mess.

Was the sex good?  Yes, not b/c he was more attractive or better in bed, it was good because it was an escape from reality.  That's all it was.  I can see why the MLCers run to these people,... they run to them because they are an escape.  That's it, no more.

Makes sence, I admit sometimes the thought of losing myself in a new infatuation seems nice on paper. So I can feel loved again too. And get the affection I miss so much right now. But just like you said I would be running from what I really feel. Infatuation might seem nice, but I loved my stable, nice and yes sometimes boring R. I don’t doubt that if needed I can get that with someone else too. Now just isn’t the time yet!
Me: 33
H: 39
T: 9 M: almost 3
No kids, been trying to conceive for almost 3 years (with a one year break in between)
BD1: December 2017, OW sends inappropriate texts to H. H keeps this a secret until I discover it. Basically EA
March 2018: H claims having doubts about our R
BD2: April 2018: H wants a divorce and ILYBINILWY
A with OW, probably PA but no confirmation. OW is still married
H left home. I'm no longer standing. D process will start at 9/11/2018

Offline Lanzo

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #67 on: May 19, 2018, 05:21:53 AM »
Sex with xW was ok during dating and engagement, once married it tailed off, even a bit boring but I thought that was just the person she was. Shortly  after D16 was born xW unleashed a monster on me (I didn’t know about monster back then) there was a torrent of abuse against me and my family, she told me she didn’t want me to touch her and the thought of having sex with me made her skin crawl, she also said if any man outside shows her any attention she was going to take it. Next day she was back to her normal self as if nothing had happened.

 The following year I caught her out in a PA, she said it was a one off so we tried to make things work between us but sex never really returned, on the odd occasion it did  she would just lay they and let me get on with it. Most of the time I was reduced to groping her T & A while she was dosing but I would end up getting slapped or  pushed away. At that time I could walk past her in the bed room naked and erect and she wouldn’t flinch, she always kept a distance between us sleeping on the edge of the bed her almost falling out.

When we decided to call time on the marriage after I caught her again in EA’s, but we had to live in the same house while the divorce was going through, well some of the things I saw shocked me, xW went OM crazy, several of them, I also found sex toys, sex games, sexy underwear, photographs, lots of photographs mostly of her holding OM c*ck , oh and sex video’s with her doing all sorts of things that previously she said we were disgusting.

Well 4 years after divorce she’s still the same, D16 told her to clean up her act  after she came home and found sex items laying around the house, xW response was to kick her out, so she now has more freedom and less responsibility to do what she does and there seems to be no sign of any of it ending soon.


Lanzo
We survive, Life really does go on

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #68 on: May 19, 2018, 10:34:49 AM »
HelpingMe I got a little teary reading what you wrote. Thank you so much for that. I’m going to be rereading that.

Lanzo, I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I understand low sex drive, at this point I have it, but to do what she’s doing with other men especially at the expense of her daughter makes me think she is using the excitement and uncertainty of all those OM to kill some deep emotional pain. Changing the scenery constantly and looking for something new rather than being in a stable relationship allows her to distract herself from $h!te she should be dealing with. So hard not to take all this personally 
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Collaborative Divorce in process (to protect myself)
I don't think I'm standing, but who knows what the future brings.
Two Teenage boys
Me: 55
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline Nas

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #69 on: May 19, 2018, 10:47:42 AM »
Lanzo, your description of your wife sounds a lot like the kind of hypersexuality that occurs with bipolar disorder.
Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

Offline Lanzo

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #70 on: May 19, 2018, 12:40:38 PM »
HM, Nas, Thank you.

For a long time through all of this I have come to the conclusion that there is something serious wrong with xW, something in her past that she has not dealt with but I can’t put my finger on it.

 I recently spoke with xW former bff , best friends from their schooldays but xW binned her off when she started all this MLC sh1t, bff just described  xW as disturbed and someone who will end up lonely if she doesn’t sort her self our.

Anyway can discuss further on my thread, now back to the current topic at hand.

Lanzo
We survive, Life really does go on

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #71 on: May 19, 2018, 06:09:55 PM »
Lanzo, your description of your wife sounds a lot like the kind of hypersexuality that occurs with bipolar disorder.

I was thinking the same thing.
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Collaborative Divorce in process (to protect myself)
I don't think I'm standing, but who knows what the future brings.
Two Teenage boys
Me: 55
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

 

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