Author Topic: Discussion Sex!  (Read 2731 times)

Offline nah

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Discussion Re: Sex!
« Reply #10 on: May 16, 2018, 03:33:44 AM »
But it was really hurtful that he said he never ever wanted to have sex with me again.

Oh Geez, I swear years from now you will laugh at some of the nonsense they come up with.

About a year before BD, my husband and I went on a vacation and went into a little shop in Miami.  I walked out of the fitting room with a dress and a male customer walked up to me and said, "Damn girl, you MUST get that dress, you look smoking hot".  My husband saw the interaction and walked over, I thought "Oh no, he's going to clobber this guy for hitting on me".  Nope, instead he looked me up and down disapprovingly and sneered, "Maybe ten years ago, but you can't wear something like that now"

I was a size 6-8 and he mentioned someone my age and weight shouldn't wear something like that.  It went to the knee, btw.  Not at all inappropriate.

Anyways... He walked out of the same shop with Ed Hardy tee-shirts and a $400.00 pair of designer jeans with rhinestones.  He was at least 50 lbs overweight. 

At the time, I was devastated.  Even worse after BD, that mother firecracker gaslighted the sh!t out of me and I believed him.  After BD, once I got on my feet, I wore anything I damn well please every single day,.. dresses, skirts, heels, etc.

How dare they throw their insecurities onto our shoulders.

Your husband words are about HIM, It's what they do... He feels like he lost HIS sex appeal, and you know what?

Insecure little boys are about as sexy as a pile of dog crap.

So just like a dog would do, kick some grass over that pile of crap and keep on walking.

You are as Gosh Darn hot as you want to be... sexy is all in your mindset, girl.  Firetruck him.
H-54
me-52
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...semi-vanisher
https://heneversaidaword.com

Online Mortesbride

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #11 on: May 16, 2018, 03:35:40 AM »
My husband of 14 years told me 2 weeks after BD that he couldn't hug ME because it felt like he was cheating?!  :o

Where is the logic in that one exactly?  ::)

Edit to say...Before I never refused him. Since BD I won't let him touch me. So even if he tried..I don't think he would get very far.
« Last Edit: May 16, 2018, 03:38:00 AM by Mortesbride »
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Tyks

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #12 on: May 16, 2018, 03:46:47 AM »
We didn't have sex for about a year before Bd.  Never thought anything of it as we didn't have a lot of sex.   After Bd he said some really terrible things to me and I would never get naked in front of him again anyway. 

Sex is hard once they withdraw emotionally and connect with someone else.  They are dreaming of having sex with the op so why would they want to with us?
Me 49
Him 49
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out
D16 D19
April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce
Divorce final February 12 2018

Offline Defying_Gravity

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #13 on: May 16, 2018, 04:07:15 AM »
You have to keep in mind these affair partners have nothing to do with looks or what their body looks like, it's all emotional and how these ow/om's make them feel.  That's why they could be anyone.  They were just there and willing to lower themselves to date a married person.

Some of these OP's are down right unattractive.  It doesn't matter because it's not about sex.
Most of the time the spouse IS much better looking.

That's what I figured from the articles I read on the LoveAnyway website and others sites about MLC. I'm sure it's not about sex, but knowing my h, he is already at that level with her. And that bothers me. A LOT! Although I'm not sure, because at lunch they only have his car. But it is not impossible.

My husband of 14 years told me 2 weeks after BD that he couldn't hug ME because it felt like he was cheating?!  :o

Where is the logic in that one exactly?  ::)

See I think that he feels that way too (I'm not sure, I don't want to ask him). And I don't get that either. He is cheating on me. And she is still married. But surely he doesn't want to risk that she decides to stay with her h if he is still sleeping with me. If I were her I would be more bothered by the fact that he still wants to remain friends and also is doing everything to consolidate this. Because who do you think he will come crying to if things go downhill with her?

We didn't have sex for about a year before Bd.  Never thought anything of it as we didn't have a lot of sex.   After Bd he said some really terrible things to me and I would never get naked in front of him again anyway. 

Sex is hard once they withdraw emotionally and connect with someone else.  They are dreaming of having sex with the op so why would they want to with us?

We were trying to conceive, so yeah for me it is a big difference. There was a time somewhere last year, when we were both tired of it. Because at the end it becomes your main focus then. But after he basically had an EA with OW, but said he was married when she wanted to take things to the next level and I discovered this. We started reconnecting sexually and it felt so good. So yeah the difference is so big that it bothers me.

Unfortunately I think my h is not only dreaming about it anymore.



Me: 33
H: 39
T: 9 M: almost 3
No kids, been trying to conceive for almost 3 years (with a one year break in between)
BD1: December 2017, OW sends inappropriate texts to H. H keeps this a secret until I discover it. Basically EA
March 2018: H claims having doubts about our R
BD2: April 2018: H wants a divorce and ILYBINILWY
A with OW, probably PA but no confirmation. OW is still married
H left home. I'm no longer standing. D process will start at 9/11/2018

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #14 on: May 16, 2018, 04:34:00 AM »
I think it's all BS,  the things they say. It's the way they feel, so they try and make us feel vad too.
I love what Nah said. Insecure little boys. DAMN right.
Y'all ladies wondering if your H still thinks your attractive??
Do as Nah said, go wear what you want. Look nice everyday. You will see.
No one should doubt yourself in anyway. It's not about the attraction. My Ws OM was about same as me, physically. After LBS diet and staying in the gym. Physically In at Watcher Status, and yall kniw that's pretty good, ha.
But W will put her head down rather than look at me that way.
It's all BS.

Offline Lastresort

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #15 on: May 16, 2018, 05:35:48 AM »
I think it is a common thing.  Mynex wife told me I am a very attractive man who has great morals  blah blah blah, but the thought of having sex with me made her stomach turn.   So it is common.    Yes my ex wife OM is a huge downgrade in every single way.  Dont take it to heart.


Offline AreWeThereYet

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #16 on: May 16, 2018, 06:10:52 AM »
Yep, it's very hard on the self esteem.  Mine said he had no libido and just didn't think of me that way anymore.  When he left, he said our "intimate relationship is over, but we'll always be family" and other similar things that I suppose were meant to be comforting, but really come out condescending.  Thing is, I think his libido really is gone -- first the depression/anxiety, and now he's on Zoloft, which has been good in many ways, but one of the side effects is lack of sex drive.  It's yet another aspect of MLC the LBS tends to blame themselves for (initially, anyway), but I don't think it really has much to do with us.  I'm sure in my H's mind, he figures his libido will come back when he meets someone else.
Me: 48
H: 50
Married 18 years, together 22
OW: yep!  EA turned PA 12/2017
BD: 05/24/17, H moved out same day
No kids

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #17 on: May 16, 2018, 06:51:43 AM »
Like Thunder said, it's not about us. People might be attracted to someone they see, but they fall in love with how someone makes them feel. I am old and fat. But I dress as well as I can by creating my own clothes and style for my shape (great legs, round stomache), adventure, exercise, enjoy life. And it shows because I always have men talking to me. So something I do must make them want to talk to me, and if it isn't my fabulous good looks, it has to be that they like talking to me because it makes them feel good to do so. People avoid things that don't make them feel good.

Which brings us back to our MLCers.  If they look at us, and find themselves lacking, it doesn't feel good. In their minds, it must be us, when really, they have simply done a comparison in their minds, decided they were less than, so must find some who makes them feel more than. We can't do that for them, because our actions SHOW us to be decent, responsible human beings.

 I would venture that most people learn as they age and get better with time. MLCERS are stuck somewhere and can no longer improve until they sort themselves out. And I'm going out on a limb here, and since most of us seem to have a fixer personality, the MLCer wants to fix him/herself, even if on an unconscious level)and not let us fix them any longer. (Ok, that's my mirror work takeaway. Let someone else fix it sometimes). So they grab onto either someone they can "fix"(projection of their own issues), or someone who will take their anger, who isn't worth being nice to, until they can fix themselves (which may never happen ). At least, that's how it looks to me, reading all these stories.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline Velika

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #18 on: May 16, 2018, 07:00:39 AM »
I think this is an important topic.

My ex husband made sex the central theme of bomb drop. He told me when he was bomb dropping me (I was jet lagged) that he thought I needed to start sleeping with women and might even be asexual because I wouldn’t have sex with him on a balcony while on vacation in a Muslim country and he didn’t like the way I didn’t look deeply into his eyes while he kissed me in the pool. (My eyes were on our six year old who was still learning to swiin!)

Over the months I also heard we did not share open mouth kisses at restaurants, that I did not walk around our home naked enough, that the first time we “tried to have” sex was bad, and that we didn’t have sex on our wedding night. He also told me it was as if he was “gay” for OW, that was how fundamental his feelings were, lectured me in what it was like to have sex with someone you really love, asked me if I would ever live with him as a platonic friend, and angrily told me, “You didn’t want to have sex with me so I found someone who did!”

If only I had a crystal ball I could have seen that this affair partner was a tantric sex worker. He was comparing me to a prostitite I suspect he was having a paying relationship to. (He also later told me, “I know I said some silly things like ‘We never had sex!’ but it’s really about how we fight ...” and then listed things I had said while angry about his outrageous bomb drop behavior to explain why we couldn’t stay married.)

He also I will mention got a prescription of viagra for the first time after he moved out! I found these at his new home and then he admitted with a nonsensical smirk on his face.

As far as the beauty of OW. I believe she could have been any combination of looks. He could easily have found a plump dark haired woman. In my case he chose a very muscular tall woman with a kind of masculine look. My ex has looked and act more womanly (I can’t explain it and not in a good way) since this started. So if I go back to bomb drop perhaps OW is his own sapphic fantasy.

When I am feeling insecure I notice I need a lot of reassurance on this topic, but in my better moments I actually feel more attractive than I did pre-bomb drop. I notice oddly that in photos my smile is bigger and I look more relaxed, a funny phenomenon I have also seen in images of wives of celebrity MLCers.

A final note.
Some people think MLC is like an addiction. I read that with illness like cyclothemia or bipolar — which also can involve infidelity — people will describe the affair more like an addiction.

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #19 on: May 16, 2018, 07:10:34 AM »
Offroad
I agree. My ws OM told me it was not about the sex, with W. It was with him though. He actually said he was in MLC. Bever told her that of course. She was OW2 too him. Just booty call. His OW1 had cut him off since he wouldn't D his wife.
But he said she just wanted someone too talk too about her problems, somebody that understood her. Of course he was perfect for that. But he said she just gave him sex as a favor(his opinion) for him being nice and listening. Said he could tell she wasn't into it, Just a warm body and let him do as he wanted. Said never seemed as she enjoyed it.
I've heard his side of the deal, not my wife's. I don't talk too him anymore, that was early on in my weak moments as LBS.
But I actually beleive what he said. Diesnt make it feel any better that my W would let a man use her sexually,  just too feel wanted. But , it's a tad better knowing the sex had nothing too do with it.

 

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