Author Topic: Discussion Sex!  (Read 2760 times)

Offline OneHotMess

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Discussion Re: Sex!
« Reply #40 on: May 16, 2018, 05:16:17 PM »
You have to keep in mind these affair partners have nothing to do with looks or what their body looks like, it's all emotional and how these ow/om's make them feel.  That's why they could be anyone.  They were just there and willing to lower themselves to date a married person.

Some of these OP's are down right unattractive.  It doesn't matter because it's not about sex.
Most of the time the spouse IS much better looking.

I just got a text from a man that was a friend of a friend before all of this. I hadn’t talked to him in about 6 months and it said “ OMG, I just ran into h and his cousin. She is hideous and he definitely downgraded from you”  I laughed so hard when i got that message.

I will admit that I let myself go over the years. Since he, I have lost 70 lbs and h has never noticed. He even said “ you claim to have lost weight”. At that time I was down 40 lbs in 3 months.
M 40
H 41
Ow 41( his 1st cousin) moved in May 23, 2017, she went back to her husband Oct 2017
Ow moved back with her 2 kids Jan 1 2018 even with courts cutting his visitation with his kids because of it
T-19 yr M-14 yrs
S13 & D7
BD  February 12 2017 & April 22 2017 (signs of MLC since 2015)
I filed for divorce June 2 2017 for protection- final August 9, 2018

Online barbiedoll

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #41 on: May 16, 2018, 06:09:38 PM »
Hmmmm, something very unsettling about this conversation and I am going to add my 2 cents and likely rock some boats . It is a sensitive part of who we feel we are as women, partners and human beings . To be rejected ( or to feel rejection) sexually is very painfull indeed. It seems we automatically assess our "looks , our bodies and our attractiveness" and I see statement after statement about comparisons between ourselves and the OW ( or OM) . I believe MOST of us ( if not all) do this . Once we belive that our spouses "prefer" someone else...right or wrong... we usually land on some defect or fault in us . There really is nothing more painfull to feel rejection whether it is emotionally, physically or in any other way. We seem to default in casting a feeling of "something is wrong with me " and clearly something is wrong with our partners.

I did that . And every single person I have had blunt and honest conversations about the depth of pain this rejection cost us , have said the same thing exactly. We became some self inflicted "not enough " version of who we were ". This is a natural human response to our partner rejecting us on a most intimate level. I believe that it is a rare person that does not feel that

When I fully understood that my husband had been sexually intimate with another women....everything inside of ME changed . I absolutely 100% felt my sense of self esteem shake, shudder and walk away. I felt "ugly" in many many ways and felt deep humiliation...All these reactions due to the decisions and actions of SOMEONE ELSE" made me furious. This was not something I brought apon myself...this was my reaction TO behaviour and choices of another person. For myself only, it was shattering as I already had a deep wound of "feeling less than/ ugly" due to a scar , skin grafting as a result of a birthmark on my face. Just under my nose a hitler moustache". I was bullied and often socially withdrew as a result. So his rejection hit a dead bulls eye of a long festering childhood wound I had done battle with for decades . That indeed I was in fact ugly . His actions ignited a deep traumatic wound that was always there ...long before him. I cry typing this, that is an "ouchy". Still.  My therapist often reminds me “ Barbiedoll, not ALL this pain belongs to your husband “.  There was pre-existing  wounds .

Then we simply have to examine ALL of ourselves. What is all this profound pain? Did I ever have real self esteem? Why do I not love "myself " enough to withstand this rejection in a healthier way ? Why do I even see it as a rejection of ME? Why do I feel I am "not enough" and SHE is better ? WTF is wrong with ME afterall?. It is truly traumatic for many of us , takes years of therapy to recover "self" ...never mind trying to put a marriage back together .  Afterall...this is his crisis and has NOTHING to do with me . And yet, in reaction, I shattered into pieces I still cannot find. It is now a crisis of our own in many many ways .

I do not believe his affair ( or any affair) had to do with sex. That is NOT to say that feeling desired and the passion of "new and exciting " partner does not make a man in MLC "feel" good about himself ...atleast superficially or initially. I believe it feels wonderfull , exciting and validating in the beginning. Of course. Otherwise why would you go back for more ? Why would an affair last more than one night stand ?. Because it feels good ... when in many ways men in MLC seem to have lost the ability to "feel" anything . My husband will tell me he had ZERO emotional connection with her . NONE. And this I believe 100 % . I have had many a therapist tell me he had "no ability whatsoever" to emotionally feel a healthy emotional connection to anything or anyone. Period. This "affair" created an emotional connection to parts of himself that were lost internally or subconsciously from his childhood woundings. In his case ...I have been assured many many times that this was a subconscious act of re-enactment of mother abandonment as a toddler. It is sooo complex average person could never understand . Regardless husband repeatedly over and over and over will insist that there was NO emotional connection whatsoever and the sex was "ordinary , initiated or expected from her , he saw no stars or stripes, the earth did not move" etc etc . Hmmm ... well, he was the King of Asshats then and in many ways the title remains. I have a very hard time believing or accepting that . But ...what choice is there ? He tells me he can get aroused sexually from a 10.00 magazine , a movie or squirrels humping in the backyard... how important was she ? It had nothing to do with sex. It had nothing to do with an emotional attachment to HER...more about an undescribable emotional connection or completion of missing parts of HIMSELF. Maybe this is what a "journey to wholeness " means . It was about how he felt about HIMSELF when he was with her ...NOT how he felt about HER . My husband dumped his affair-cow so quickly, so easily ...back in the dumpster he put her and he closed the lid .

I likely have wondered sooo far off point, I have lost my point. For myself only ... my husband NEVER said anything personal to me . That I was unattractive or he had no desire for me . I would not have recovered ..of that I am positive. He did however sexually or physically withdraw from me as " he did not want to give me the wrong message ...the marriage was over ".  Having said that ...he then often cuddled up and did initiate sexual contact . So he slept with me and her at the same time and that is just a blunt fact. Without my knowledge, consent or permission to share my body with some easy, immoral skank that was dumb enough to lay down with an out of control married man . I guarantee with out 1 second of hesitation , had I known that she existed ?. He would have been gone before the sun set and not EVER permitted on the property ... let alone inside of me . EVER.
I believe men most certainly can have sex without any emotional connection whatsoever… of course. So can many  women . My husband and I were asked by the therapist to describe our sex life prior to all this . I was silent as I am no longer sure of anything . What I “”thought it was “ and what he thought , could be two entirely different things apparently . He spoke about having a great sex life thru the entire marriage …and that is what I always thought as well. NOW we have issues .. or I guess I have issues .

Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline Kitty

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #42 on: May 16, 2018, 06:23:00 PM »
It wasn’t about sex with Grumpy. We were going at it like rabbits (he was only just starting to have ED issues)up to the day he told me he wanted a separation. Even after he still told me that it wasn’t me, and if things don’t work out between us there will be guys lined up to date me.

When I found out about OW it shattered my confidence, because he always told me that he loved me, and that he didn’t care that I was chubby, but OW was significantly smaller than me.

He did tell me though in one of his moments of clarity that it wasn’t so much about the sex with her as it was she made him feel special, she listened to him when he texted her  ::) and she understood him.

Me 38; H 42
Together 21 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD - Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.

Offline hope

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #43 on: May 16, 2018, 06:34:34 PM »
20th Century : It was pretty traumatic - I really had to double check myself as I thought I was able to rationalize it maybe a little too quickly. Looking back I can see how I had already began to detach. So its as if there were different stages of processing - like I can't unsee what I saw - but I'd have to dig a bit to recall the absolute detail. I mean I did not know who this man was 99.9% of the time; he was hungover or high - horrible. And like everyone else describes here, there were times when H would suddenly peak out, only to descend into deeper holes. He was with her for maybe 18 months, it was not exclusive - That particular OW was extreme, I had no idea such women existed. But the MO for these people is pretty much the same. I sometimes think that the fact that there were so many OW and my H had been faithful and loving throughout our marriage, helps me in a way. The film told me she was losing her grip and I knew the end must be close. Like 'here's something to make sure you'll never take him back.' 
Another strange thing I just remembered. I had a fantastic massage and acupuncture guy and I used to spill at the beginning of the sessions sometimes. One time he greets me as always with
"So what been going on with you, Hope"
I tell him I have this feeling that I WANT TO HAVE SEX ..LIKE ALL THE TIME. That I even told a male friend who owned a bar, that if I got over amorous with him, he was to put me straight in a taxi and send me home. It was crazy, like all the time and I had never felt like that in my life before.
So he says that he's been treating a few people who have described the same thing and that it's actually acute anxiety and how we associate with the same feeling we get when we're about to orgasm. So interesting.
Don't worry, once I understood it, I was fine...never felt it again. Hope x

Offline Tyks

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #44 on: May 16, 2018, 07:10:43 PM »
Family,  you just described our sex life in a nutshell.  It is very unfortunate.  And then at Bd I got all this spew about how,  in his mind,  he could never please me,  sexually or otherwise.  Made no sense to me...  I believe it was all in his head. 

The summer of Bd he spent a lot of time building a new shed.  A week after Bd he had to come over and close the pool.  Of course I looked great but he wouldn't even look at me.  I tried flirting with him and asked him if he wanted to have sex in the shed.  He looked at me with such contempt in his eyes (or maybe it was surprise)  and he calmly said thanks but no thanks. I was so upset for days after that.  Thanks but no thanks,  really? 

He spewed many terrible things to me the days following.  I let myself go.  He's not attracted to me.  He doesn't wanna settle anymore,  blah blah.  Then the first day of school we had all slept in BC we had had an emotional week.  He knocked on the door and woke me up.  I answered the door in my pajamas and suddenly I felt completely under dressed in front of a man that I had been with since 1994!!!  I knew that day that I would never be able to sleep with him again. 

My self esteem was wrecked as it had taken years to feel good about myself after an abusive childhood.  I went to the extreme and had some plastic surgery done after losing 45 lbs.  I still didn't feel good about myself.  It is going to take a long time,  as Barbiedoll said,  to heal those wounds.

The thing is,  when you meet a man who likes you for you they think you are smoking hot when you wear their tshirt lol.  So I don't believe it has all that much to do with looks after the first few meetings.  I think it is all emotional and I believe that that is what draws them to the op.  The op is filling some sort of emotional connection that the mlcer feels is lacking. 

Omg just thinking about and writing about Bd and shortl after is making me cry :( I don't think that it is something that we will ever get over even after we are in a new loving relationship.
Me 49
Him 49
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out
D16 D19
April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce
Divorce final February 12 2018

Offline hope

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #45 on: May 16, 2018, 08:22:39 PM »
Barbie. You may not think it. But your mind sounds so healthy and your observations are always spot on to me. My MLCer needed to be high to do what he was doing. I also believe there is zero emotional connection to OW and it seems this is a place where we get stuck for a time. Our reactions, our self-doubt is completely natural and maybe we wouldn't be looking for those broken parts of ourselves that we now know existed in us before BD. We need to reconcile this with ourselves before we can even think about reconciling this with our spouses. I have never been to an IC, but like Treasur I moved away and I built a place by the sea and that has given me a lot of space to consider everything. I can't imagine how difficult this would be if I were figuring this out with my H here. Stay strong. Hope

Offline TryinSoul

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #46 on: May 16, 2018, 09:37:01 PM »
I want to say it’s likely been 22 months or just less since I was last initimate with my X.  I was in a situation shortly after separation when I was in my two weeks of revenge phase, that didn’t go so well.  The first and only physical contact during these 22 months(the woman touching my hand), made me feel like I was cheating.  I don’t think I would feel that way now, but I do think I would feel I was closing the door completely.  I’m attracted to other women, more than my X currently(OMs are turnoffs, call me crazy), but they are not her.  When I try to envision being with someone else, it just doesn’t look or feel right.  My self image is higher than its ever been.  I look better than I have in probably 15 years or more. 

I think part of it is I’m not ready to close the door and part of it is I should try to envision holding hands or perhaps hugging or kissing a woman rather than all of it.  Until I’m more sure, I suppose the months will just keep adding on.  It’s is a bit frustrating since I went off ADs just before separation and that put my libido into serious overdrive.  It’s my choice though and I’m happy with it.
All that counts, is what comes next.

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #47 on: May 17, 2018, 02:24:33 AM »
Call me crazy but I think the reasons we ''can't imagine anyone else'' or ''it doesn't feel right'' is because as LBS the majority of us have a pretty good loyalty streak. While we are married, and while there is still a chance of Recon. we can't even contemplate it because our loyalty belongs to our spouse.

I think it is only when that loyalty is completely shattered, can we move on and share with someone else. But for most of us, once that happens, I very much doubt there would be a going back. Because that new person, who comes into your life, they will now have that loyalty.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Defying_Gravity

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #48 on: May 17, 2018, 02:52:38 AM »
Call me crazy but I think the reasons we ''can't imagine anyone else'' or ''it doesn't feel right'' is because as LBS the majority of us have a pretty good loyalty streak. While we are married, and while there is still a chance of Recon. we can't even contemplate it because our loyalty belongs to our spouse.

I think it is only when that loyalty is completely shattered, can we move on and share with someone else. But for most of us, once that happens, I very much doubt there would be a going back. Because that new person, who comes into your life, they will now have that loyalty.

I indeed think this is exactly it. If and when I ever decide to date again and H comes knocking at my door: "I've made the biggest mistake of my life." I will not take him back. It wouldn't be fair to the new man in my life to use him as a back-up plan. Because that's what my h claimed he did to me. A back-up plan that lasted for 9 years (right ...). It is because at this point in my life I would still take him back (and we are pretty soon after BD), so there is no place for another man in my life right now.

Also I doubt that H would do it then. He would probably talk about it with his friends and family when he is drunk (otherwise he can't talk about his feelings). Or even say it at one point to OW/or another GF. But he would never show up at my door. He is to damn stubborn for it. The relationship with his third xGF lasted for 2 years. And for 6 years after that relationship ended he still believed she was the love of his live (sometimes he claims she still is, but she has moved on now ...). He broke things of with her, because her family wouldn't accept him and that gave her doubts about their R. As soon as she expressed doubt he broke things off. And then decided to dwell on her for 6 years. He could easily asked her to give him a second chance at any point she was single. He never did. Maybe because somewhere deep inside he knew she wasn't the love of his live. Something that last for 2 years, is mostly not even past the infatuation phase. They also never lived together. In year 7 after the break-up our R started. And then we had 9 beautiful years, would have been 10 at the end of this year. And still he now compares the feelings for OW to the feelings he had for said ex. And claims to have never had them for me.

Anyway this left aside. If he didn't do it with her, I doubt he will ever show me remorse at a point where I have moved on. I hope to see this remorse before this point. Because even though it is like you said about loyalty. And I would never take him back as soon as I moved on. It would just be nice to hear from him that he indeed made a mistake!
Me: 33
H: 39
T: 9 M: almost 3
No kids, been trying to conceive for almost 3 years (with a one year break in between)
BD1: December 2017, OW sends inappropriate texts to H. H keeps this a secret until I discover it. Basically EA
March 2018: H claims having doubts about our R
BD2: April 2018: H wants a divorce and ILYBINILWY
A with OW, probably PA but no confirmation. OW is still married
H left home. I'm no longer standing. D process will start at 9/11/2018

Offline Whyus

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #49 on: May 17, 2018, 03:50:57 AM »
Call me crazy but I think the reasons we ''can't imagine anyone else'' or ''it doesn't feel right'' is because as LBS the majority of us have a pretty good loyalty streak. While we are married, and while there is still a chance of Recon. we can't even contemplate it because our loyalty belongs to our spouse.
Nothing crazy about that Mort.

I think it is only when that loyalty is completely shattered, can we move on and share with someone else. But for most of us, once that happens, I very much doubt there would be a going back. Because that new person, who comes into your life, they will now have that loyalty.
Exactly, it depends on howmuch OP and Spouce are in your face. in my case they do not do anything in public except hit the Gym together.... But, some of my neighbours, mates, my Kids mates, workmates and band colleagues use the Gym too and it was just too much for me. I had to just let go and accept that i couldnt live like that anymore.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018


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