Author Topic: My Story He left 2 years ago but kept seeing me, now BD. Do I keep telling him I love him  (Read 1407 times)

Offline PrayingTopic starter

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My husband of 28 years, who suffered depression and anger outbursts, suddenly left two years ago because he was unhappy with his life, felt that life was passing him by and was bored with our life.  During those two years he kept coming to see me about twice a week although there was no sexual relations between us that whole time.  He indicated he wanted to come home after six months but I said no, because I could not see any change to his unhappiness and anger issues.   I indicated I thought we could not live together again...a comment I am regretting immensely. 

He then started taking antidepressants six months ago and I noticed a happy change to his demeanour and angry outbursts.  In March I asked him to come home but he then told me he had been seeing someone for two weeks and he wanted to pursue that relationship, and the very next day told me he doesn’t want to see me anymore and to sort out a financial separation.  In the following month, he  bought a motorbike, severed contact with his family and friends, changed his dress sense, travelled with her to our favourite places, went to places he wouldn’t take me, and spent a fortune on her.  I found out she is his first girlfriend.  Completely opposite me in looks, personality and style.  We were married 28 years ago.

I am filled with immense remorse that I did not let him come home when he first asked, and feel that this permanent separation is all my fault.  However, I love my husband and want him to come home to me.

Have I left things too late?  I’ve emailed him on four occasions...because he won’t take my calls...telling him how very much I love him and miss him and want him to come home.  But no replies.

I have looked at threads here and am unsure if I should now just have no contact with him at all... because, won’t that mean that he will think I no longer care about him... or do I keep sending him messages saying I will wait for him.  Do I send him a message saying how sorry I am for my part in his unhappiness.  Because I know I could have done things better in our marriage.

Mutual friends have told me the woman he is with has always been after men with money..which he has...but also, that she is a lovely lady.  So it’s not as if he has gone off with someone who I could despise.  Although, in saying that, she has known from the third week going out with him that I was absolutely desperate to reconcile with him.

I am so lost.  Because I feel he has truly fallen in love with this woman who is giving him everything he’s ever wanted so therefore why would he want to return to me???

Have I lost him forever?  How can I get him to come back to me??  Am I fooling myself???
« Last Edit: May 18, 2018, 03:22:02 AM by OldPilot »

Online OldPilot

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Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
GAL.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4.msg380#msg380

Developing Detachment

http://coping.us/toolsforhandlingcontrol/developingdetachment.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.
Please stay on one thread until that thread reaches 150 posts as it is easier to keep track of that way.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Online Thunder

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Praying,

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation.

First of all you did nothing wrong.  Please do not blame yourself for any of this.  No apology is necessary.
This would have happened regardless of if he came home or not.  You knew your H was not ready to come home, you made the right choice in telling him no.

He is in a crisis and there is nothing you could have done to fix him or prevent him from finding a ow.  Most of them do.

What you need to do now is protect yourself, financially.  The money he is spending on this woman is marital money.
I would talk to a lawyer and get some information on how to protect your finances.
She may be a gold digger but she has no right to take was in lawfully yours.
If he is talking separating finances, then get legal advice as soon as you can.  You won't be sorry.

I would not tell him you love him anymore, or that you want him to come home, it just pressures him.  He already knows you love him and want him back.  Just leave him alone and only respond if he contacts you.

I'm sorry, I wish I had better advice for you, but once their in this crisis there isn't much you can do to change their mind.

I would advise you to read the articles and stories on here, it will help you understand this midlife crisis better.
It's very hard to go through, but you are not alone.  We are here to support you.

Big Hug

With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline Chookie

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Hi Praying,

Your H is on a journey of his own just now. Nothing you say or do will change his course. He needs to follow his own path to its end, only then is there a chance he might work his way back to you.

I'm so sorry you are here and that you are in so much pain. We all understand the dreadful hurt and confusion you are feeling. OldPilot's post is full of great information, read it over and over.

Please read all of Rollercoaster's articles. They are invaluable. The information will help to calm as well as guide you. Keep posting here and be sure to read others' threads.

For now, be kind to yourself. We are all here for you.

Attaching to your thread.

Chookie  :)


« Last Edit: May 18, 2018, 03:56:30 AM by Chookie »
BD 29 Nov '13
Left home 8 June '14
Does not live with OW

Offline Chookie

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What you need to do now is protect yourself, financially.  The money he is spending on this woman is marital money.
I would talk to a lawyer and get some information on how to protect your finances.
She may be a gold digger but she has no right to take was in lawfully yours.
If he is talking separating finances, then get legal advice as soon as you can.  You won't be sorry.


Thunder's post came in as I was posting too. This information about your finances is vital. Do not underestimate what they're prepared to do while in crisis. They are not thinking about you and your needs. It is up to you to ensure you are not taken advantage of.

Take care.
BD 29 Nov '13
Left home 8 June '14
Does not live with OW

Offline PrayingTopic starter

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Thank you all so much. OldPilot, I can’t access the developing detachment link..is there another way I can find that info?

Online OldPilot

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Thank you all so much. OldPilot, I can’t access the developing detachment link..is there another way I can find that info?
Thanks for letting me know that the link does not work, I was unaware of this.

The other two links work, let me see what I can find about Mr Messina, we might have something more here on our forum in our own resources.


Here is another resource

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Online Silver

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Hello Praying, just wanted to say welcome, you found the place you needed to find.
I am sorry for your situation but as you are already told, you can stop accusing yourself now. This is not about you though you are the one it hurts the most.

In addition to Thunder's and Chookie's advice I want to remind you that you have to take care of yourself as well. Make sure you get enough sleep, remember to eat, do everyday stuff as always before, live your life though it is full of pain atm. If you have good friends or family members to talk with, please do. Write here. Don't hesitate to get professional help if it feels necessary.
Like all of us, you will get this, it is a long and tough road but you are not alone on it.

Keep posting my friend.



"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Schratz66

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Hello praying,
I am sorry you are here, but am glad that you found us.
We've all worried that if we don't tell them how will they know we still love them.
You have told him, he knows now - now you have to let him go.
It's incredibly hard, but we have to let them make their own choices. That is not to say that he will never return. Nobody knows what happens or doesn't happen down the road.
Do not blame yourself for not allowing him back home - I don't think it makes a difference in the big picture.
I miss my H more than I can say, and I want to contact him daily to ask if he is still with OW, how he is doing, etc.....
However, I have left him alone since BD (11 months ago). He has contacted me a couple of times and I always respond, but I do not initiate contact.
You cannot force him to want to come back - it has to come from him.
Just try to live your life, make sure your finances are not being messed with and focus on you.

We are here for you. Post as much as you need.
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline PrayingTopic starter

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I can’t believe how much reading all your words has helped my current state of mind. 

I’m 59 and feel like my life is over, I’ve lost 12 kilos in three months, can’t sleep, constantly feel empty in the pit of my stomach and soul, and so stunned by who this person is who was my husband.  I can’t sleep . am typing this at 2:00 am...tried sleeping pills but they just make me feel groggy the next day for work and counselling but that has not helped ease the reality of my situation. 

A saving grace is the support I have received from not only my family but his, and all his friends bar one ..who he deliberately alienated over the last two years.

Taking on board all your advice, he asked me to separate our finances only days after he told me he never wanted to see me again.  But for someone so keen to do this, he has had his part of the paperwork for six weeks but has still not acted upon it.

Do I chase him up on settling our financial situation or wait on him?  If I chase him won’t I look like I want this separation?

Thank you all so much.  I have to remember that your kind and sage advice is coming from your own vacuum of pain, which makes your efforts in helping me even more appreciated.

 

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