Author Topic: My Story Husband is going through Mid Life Crisis  (Read 209 times)

Offline Shnn18Topic starter

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My Story Husband is going through Mid Life Crisis
« on: May 18, 2018, 08:00:08 AM »
We've been married 21 years and have four kids. No, I haven't been the best wife. I've put up a wall the last year and was not sleeping in bed with my husband. Three weeks ago, he decided to leave and I was blindsided. I thought we were just in a marriage rut, I wasn't expecting this because this is not who he is. He left to stay with his sister for three weeks and one day would talk about getting back together and the next day his wall was up. It hit the worse when I found him cheating on me at a hotel last Sunday. I never thought I could get passed that but my love for him is deep and I want to fight for our marriage. He came home on Sunday and things have been going good until yesterday. He put his wall back up again. He said he will stay for a month and try but can't make any promises. I don't know what to do anymore.

Online OldPilot

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Re: Husband is going through Mid Life Crisis
« Reply #1 on: May 18, 2018, 08:05:09 AM »
Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
GAL.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4.msg380#msg380

Developing Detachment
http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.
Please stay on one thread until that thread reaches 150 posts as it is easier to keep track of that way.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Offline Shnn18Topic starter

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Re: Husband is going through Mid Life Crisis
« Reply #2 on: May 18, 2018, 08:11:38 AM »
Right now, I'm struggling because I don't know if I should let him stay for the next month or tell him he is free to leave now.

Offline Schratz66

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Re: Husband is going through Mid Life Crisis
« Reply #3 on: May 18, 2018, 08:30:47 AM »
Welcome Shnn,

I am sorry you find yourself here but this is a great place to be. Read the articles and everything else you can get your hands on.
Do not talk to him about your relationship or if he should leave or go unless it would make things easier for you if he leaves.
It is your Hs crisis and you cannot help him. He needs to figure all this stuff out for himself.
What we do advise is that you concentrate on you and your children, make sure you secure some finances and just let him be.
The more you beg or plea or try to talk to him about your marriage, the more he will withdraw - he has no idea what he wants - all they know is that they are not happy right now.
Do you know if the woman he met at the hotel is someone that he has been in touch with ? Some affairs start out as EA and then turn PA.

May I ask why you think he is having a midlife crisis ? Has there been a trigger ? And not to be nosy, but why have you not shared your bed with your H ? Were there other issues ?

Anyway - welcome to the board and just post away - there is always somebody here to listen to you. We have all been there.
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Shnn18Topic starter

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Re: Husband is going through Mid Life Crisis
« Reply #4 on: May 18, 2018, 08:36:32 AM »
I think it is a midlife crisis because this is not him at all and I've been reading up on it and he displays all the signs. One moment he loves me and wants to save the marriage and the next moment, he just don't know. He says he wants a divorce but then can't bring himself to file for one and even asked me if I would file and I said no that I don't want one and he asked what would happen if neither of us file.

The woman at the hotel is someone he works with so that makes it harder. However, he is a manager and she is an employee. His whole company knows now and they are putting some pressure on that relationship.

I haven't shared our bed with him in years because he used to work second shift and then I got used to sleeping with the kids.

I've decided that I am not going to ask him to leave. If he wants to leave then it will be his choice. I'm going to not bring up the topic anymore or cling to him. I'm going to show him that I am strong and focus on me and the kids. If he chooses to talk, then I will listen. But leaving has to be his choice.

Offline Schratz66

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Re: Husband is going through Mid Life Crisis
« Reply #5 on: May 18, 2018, 08:47:15 AM »
Thank you for explaining shnn.
A lot of time the MLC pick a coworker or somebody from their past. My H picked his High School sweetheart from 32 years ago.

We all want our spouses back and want to make it happen. Unfortunately we cannot fix this. All we can do is concentrate on us and our children, friends and family and try to live as happy of a life as we possibly can without our spouses.

 

Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Shnn18Topic starter

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Re: Husband is going through Mid Life Crisis
« Reply #6 on: May 18, 2018, 08:55:00 AM »
He says he just doesn't love me anymore. I don't know if I should just accept that or not. It's so confusing because one day he is all over me and loves me and the next day he distances himself.

Offline Schratz66

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Re: Husband is going through Mid Life Crisis
« Reply #7 on: May 18, 2018, 10:35:18 AM »
They do not know what they feel.
Think of him as a teenager with no clue what they want, who they are and what they are doing.
Do not believe anything they say and only 50% of what they do.
He is not the man that you have known for 20 some years.

He is so confused himself - that's why it is advised that you detach yourself over time.
This is a link that might be helpful in learning how to deal with this alien that looks like your H now.

https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/

Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

 

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