Author Topic: My Story More Good Wolf for a Good Life...  (Read 3085 times)

Online TreasurTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3436
  • Gender: Female
My Story More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« on: May 20, 2018, 02:54:52 AM »
Quick summary: Much-loved H imploded in Oct 15 when I had just lost my father to cancer and my mother to dementia. Lots of silence and contempt, not much monster as H ran away from home. Huge destruction of every bit of my/our life built over 20 years. Went a bit mad with grief for a while, then ran away with the recently-lost Louis the handsome cat to the little house by the sea. Mad MLC divorce final in April 18. XH being predictably script-like in dealing with last bits of shared life admin. Truly sad and still bewildered sometimes by what has happened, but my new life is unfolding at speed now and I feel like myself again. No idea who XH is or what will happen to him, but he is still not acting like a happy, sane chap given that he now has his magic divorce and new life with ow. New allotment keeping me mentally and physically healthy (https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com), new business focus and new coaching clients and (hopefully) a new home soon in a converted chapel by the sea.

I am...fine?...perhaps getting the first sniffs of happy even, and learning to ride the emotional cycles and let them come and then go.


Previous thread http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10083.0;all
« Last Edit: May 20, 2018, 03:17:25 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Milly

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1206
  • Gender: Female
Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #1 on: May 20, 2018, 06:23:14 AM »
Joining your new thread Treasur! Looked up your allotment and see so much progress, lovely obelisks, toilet ideas, and Roy!

Watching snippets of the Royal wedding yesterday was hard. I ket looking at their faces. I remember watching William and Kate's wedding in California, still with H, and loving the whole thing. I didn't enjoy it yesterday although it was absolutely beautiful.

Thanks for your candid thoughts on how you still feel about your H, how you still can't believe what happened to you, how a person with a happy heart could not have behaved the way your H did. I think many of us resonate with your feelings.

I hope 'our' Anticlone of the Azores is still giving you lovely weather so you may be having a lovely Sunday. Raining here!
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D23, D20, S13
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Philadelphiagirl

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 354
  • Gender: Female
Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #2 on: May 20, 2018, 06:57:29 AM »
Attaching T, I take much inspiration from you. It's great to see some sunshine on the horizon for you, take care, Philly x

Offline Kitty

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1041
  • Gender: Female
Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #3 on: May 20, 2018, 06:59:57 AM »
Following along Treasur.

I love your little allotment. I can’t wait until I can have a garden of my own again.
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Online Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 17396
  • Gender: Female
Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #4 on: May 20, 2018, 07:31:56 AM »
Attaching too, Treasur.

You're garden is sure coming along!  Looks good.   :)
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline Helpingme!

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1117
  • Gender: Male
Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #5 on: May 20, 2018, 08:24:47 AM »
Following along T. 
Your garden is looking good.

Online Mitzpah

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 5437
  • Gender: Female
  • How I long for your precepts! Psalm 119:40
Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #6 on: May 20, 2018, 02:26:09 PM »
Treasur,

I had no real expectations of the royal wedding yesterday and was wonderfully impacted by the sermon! It brought me to tears too. Not because of the implosion of my own marriage but because, as you said, it reflected the way I believe, the heart of my faith.
 
Quote
Love is not selfish and self-centred. Love can be sacrificial, and in so doing, becomes redemptive. And that way of unselfish, sacrificial, redemptive love changes lives, and it can change this world.

It was a great sermon!

What beautiful weather it was, too! Enjoy your allotment!

M 56
H 56
S 26
S 24
D 23
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline Anjae

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 13732
  • Gender: Female
Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #7 on: May 20, 2018, 05:39:15 PM »
I love your allotment and your blog. Adored the marked. Wished we had one like that here.

Tarty Gardner ;D ;D ;D My wellies have a low, wide heel and are very trendy, with blue and golden brown flowery motifs and cornucopias. Of course, they are city wear wellies, not work in the allotment wellies.

Love your writing and humour.  :)

I loved the Royal Wedding. And that blue E-Type Jaguar they rode on to the evening reception.

For me, it was the firt time watching a Royal Wedding without grandma, like, soon, it will be the firt World Cup without her. The Queen, both now and when young, looks a lot like grandma. They even share a love of hats and brooches.  ;D

Guess I am lucky because I do not associate a Royal Wedding with Mr J, nor does it brings me memories of my marriage. It just made me miss grandma.

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Online stillbaffled

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3783
  • Gender: Female
Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #8 on: May 20, 2018, 07:40:05 PM »
Continuing on with you, Treasur. 

I also have a mantis tiller.  I love mine as well! 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Online TreasurTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3436
  • Gender: Female
Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #9 on: May 20, 2018, 10:49:43 PM »
Can't tell you how much it means to share my progress and know that someone is cheering me on.  :)

Beautiful morning here, misty sunshine and the sound of waves and seagulls as I sat with coffee in my courtyard garden here. I'll miss the sound of this garden as the chapel is a little further from the sea. I don't sleep much still, my little bit of LBS fallout, but I really enjoy seeing the sun come up as the day starts fresh so it's a funny kind of gift too.

Focusing my energy on the new has created another phase of letting go of the old. I really want to leave a lot behind me when I move into a new space. Some things still make my heart clench a little, of course, but some things make me smile too and feel grateful for them which is nice. I am in a much calmer positive place than I was even a few months ago. Just need XH to stop d*cking around with the last bits, or more likely for me to circumnavigate his d*ckery so he has no choice left but to go away as he wished.  :)

As some of you might remember, his aunt - his enabler and owner of the posh houseboat he's been camping on for free for over 2 years - was my friend before I even met my H. Over 25 years of friendship. She comes from the same FOO pattern, of course, so her decision to cut me dead too isn't a surprise but it has made me both sad and angry. Chelsea Flower Show is being advertised as it starts soon, just around the corner from the houseboat, and she and I often used to go together. It was one of 'our' things...so she's been on my mind. It's hard because she is 74, albeit a fit glamorous 74, and I have to accept that our friendship is collateral damage too and that I won't even know if she is ill or when she dies. And I loved her as my friend and playmate for many years in her own right, part of my inner tribe. So, I felt the need to let go and say goodbye to her too with this email. I expect no response but I needed to say it.

Dear C

I feel as if you have cut me out of your life which hurts after a long friendship. I don’t know why although I understand the situation must have been difficult for you as Mr T is your nephew. Still I do feel I have been more sinned against than sinning! Mr T has done a lot of extreme and extraordinary things which few people know about, like a bad horror film. It wasn’t a ‘normal’ divorce, C, not even close. It has been a rollercoaster of insanity, too many shocking crazy things to share with anyone actually. And at the same time, I survived the loss of my parents and my own cancer surgery.

As my friend, I thought at least that you would reach out to know I was ok...that you cared about me...but you didn’t. I’m not angry but it made me sad to lose you too as well as my parents and my beloved, even though I assume you did what you thought best.

After a long tough time, I’m fine. I ran away to Sxxxx to escape the threats and find a bit of peace and it did that. I am moving to a new house soon, have a new business, am still slim and sane, and am building a new life with new people in it. Perhaps just like you did after losing Keith but with sadly less support or family to fall back on. I miss all of you, of course I do, and I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to explain the insanity of it all but I’m pleased to have survived it. Grief as you know prunes all of us.

I am well and happy and having new adventures. I wish I could share these with you but I understand that perhaps it is for the best that I can’t, if only for my own safety as Mr T’s behaviour towards me is still quite peculiar and extreme behind his public mask. He is still evidently far from healthy which is sad of course.

But I think of you often and I so enjoyed our friendship. English roses and tulips have your name on them for me, and the adverts for Chelsea flower show. June 11th is a day when I think of you and my father, and smile. Those late nights/early mornings when the birds told us we’d talked through the night again. The sound of your voice and sharing that first coffee of the morning. Helping you find the houseboat and seeing your pleasure in it. Never ever being bored by your company or your mind or your joie de vivre for over two decades.

It would be lovely, even if we can never talk again, to just get an email from you once a year to let me know that you are well and happy because I have learned belatedly that life throws up some tough surprises and that we never stop loving those we treasure. Even in the worst and craziest of life storms!

You were/are one of my treasures and I am truly grateful for you. I really hope that all is well on your bit of the planet and I send you my biggest most honest kisses from here by the sea.

T


I think there is a strange point in the LBS journey where not only do you stop holding on, but when letting go with grace is almost a relief. When you stop fighting the tides in order to surf new better waves...and that is where I am now and it feels like a good place.
« Last Edit: May 20, 2018, 11:09:00 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

 

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk
Legal Disclaimer
The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.