Author Topic: My Story More Good Wolf for a Good Life...  (Read 2761 times)

Online TreasurTopic starter

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My Story More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« on: May 20, 2018, 02:54:52 AM »
Quick summary: Much-loved H imploded in Oct 15 when I had just lost my father to cancer and my mother to dementia. Lots of silence and contempt, not much monster as H ran away from home. Huge destruction of every bit of my/our life built over 20 years. Went a bit mad with grief for a while, then ran away with the recently-lost Louis the handsome cat to the little house by the sea. Mad MLC divorce final in April 18. XH being predictably script-like in dealing with last bits of shared life admin. Truly sad and still bewildered sometimes by what has happened, but my new life is unfolding at speed now and I feel like myself again. No idea who XH is or what will happen to him, but he is still not acting like a happy, sane chap given that he now has his magic divorce and new life with ow. New allotment keeping me mentally and physically healthy (https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com), new business focus and new coaching clients and (hopefully) a new home soon in a converted chapel by the sea.

I am...fine?...perhaps getting the first sniffs of happy even, and learning to ride the emotional cycles and let them come and then go.


Previous thread http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10083.0;all
« Last Edit: May 20, 2018, 03:17:25 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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Offline Milly

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #1 on: May 20, 2018, 06:23:14 AM »
Joining your new thread Treasur! Looked up your allotment and see so much progress, lovely obelisks, toilet ideas, and Roy!

Watching snippets of the Royal wedding yesterday was hard. I ket looking at their faces. I remember watching William and Kate's wedding in California, still with H, and loving the whole thing. I didn't enjoy it yesterday although it was absolutely beautiful.

Thanks for your candid thoughts on how you still feel about your H, how you still can't believe what happened to you, how a person with a happy heart could not have behaved the way your H did. I think many of us resonate with your feelings.

I hope 'our' Anticlone of the Azores is still giving you lovely weather so you may be having a lovely Sunday. Raining here!
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D23, D20, S13
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Philadelphiagirl

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #2 on: May 20, 2018, 06:57:29 AM »
Attaching T, I take much inspiration from you. It's great to see some sunshine on the horizon for you, take care, Philly x

Offline Kitty

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #3 on: May 20, 2018, 06:59:57 AM »
Following along Treasur.

I love your little allotment. I can’t wait until I can have a garden of my own again.
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline Thunder

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #4 on: May 20, 2018, 07:31:56 AM »
Attaching too, Treasur.

You're garden is sure coming along!  Looks good.   :)
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #5 on: May 20, 2018, 08:24:47 AM »
Following along T. 
Your garden is looking good.

Offline Mitzpah

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #6 on: May 20, 2018, 02:26:09 PM »
Treasur,

I had no real expectations of the royal wedding yesterday and was wonderfully impacted by the sermon! It brought me to tears too. Not because of the implosion of my own marriage but because, as you said, it reflected the way I believe, the heart of my faith.
 
Quote
Love is not selfish and self-centred. Love can be sacrificial, and in so doing, becomes redemptive. And that way of unselfish, sacrificial, redemptive love changes lives, and it can change this world.

It was a great sermon!

What beautiful weather it was, too! Enjoy your allotment!

M 56
H 56
S 26
S 24
D 23
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline Anjae

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #7 on: May 20, 2018, 05:39:15 PM »
I love your allotment and your blog. Adored the marked. Wished we had one like that here.

Tarty Gardner ;D ;D ;D My wellies have a low, wide heel and are very trendy, with blue and golden brown flowery motifs and cornucopias. Of course, they are city wear wellies, not work in the allotment wellies.

Love your writing and humour.  :)

I loved the Royal Wedding. And that blue E-Type Jaguar they rode on to the evening reception.

For me, it was the firt time watching a Royal Wedding without grandma, like, soon, it will be the firt World Cup without her. The Queen, both now and when young, looks a lot like grandma. They even share a love of hats and brooches.  ;D

Guess I am lucky because I do not associate a Royal Wedding with Mr J, nor does it brings me memories of my marriage. It just made me miss grandma.

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Online stillbaffled

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #8 on: May 20, 2018, 07:40:05 PM »
Continuing on with you, Treasur. 

I also have a mantis tiller.  I love mine as well! 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Online TreasurTopic starter

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #9 on: May 20, 2018, 10:49:43 PM »
Can't tell you how much it means to share my progress and know that someone is cheering me on.  :)

Beautiful morning here, misty sunshine and the sound of waves and seagulls as I sat with coffee in my courtyard garden here. I'll miss the sound of this garden as the chapel is a little further from the sea. I don't sleep much still, my little bit of LBS fallout, but I really enjoy seeing the sun come up as the day starts fresh so it's a funny kind of gift too.

Focusing my energy on the new has created another phase of letting go of the old. I really want to leave a lot behind me when I move into a new space. Some things still make my heart clench a little, of course, but some things make me smile too and feel grateful for them which is nice. I am in a much calmer positive place than I was even a few months ago. Just need XH to stop d*cking around with the last bits, or more likely for me to circumnavigate his d*ckery so he has no choice left but to go away as he wished.  :)

As some of you might remember, his aunt - his enabler and owner of the posh houseboat he's been camping on for free for over 2 years - was my friend before I even met my H. Over 25 years of friendship. She comes from the same FOO pattern, of course, so her decision to cut me dead too isn't a surprise but it has made me both sad and angry. Chelsea Flower Show is being advertised as it starts soon, just around the corner from the houseboat, and she and I often used to go together. It was one of 'our' things...so she's been on my mind. It's hard because she is 74, albeit a fit glamorous 74, and I have to accept that our friendship is collateral damage too and that I won't even know if she is ill or when she dies. And I loved her as my friend and playmate for many years in her own right, part of my inner tribe. So, I felt the need to let go and say goodbye to her too with this email. I expect no response but I needed to say it.

Dear C

I feel as if you have cut me out of your life which hurts after a long friendship. I don’t know why although I understand the situation must have been difficult for you as Mr T is your nephew. Still I do feel I have been more sinned against than sinning! Mr T has done a lot of extreme and extraordinary things which few people know about, like a bad horror film. It wasn’t a ‘normal’ divorce, C, not even close. It has been a rollercoaster of insanity, too many shocking crazy things to share with anyone actually. And at the same time, I survived the loss of my parents and my own cancer surgery.

As my friend, I thought at least that you would reach out to know I was ok...that you cared about me...but you didn’t. I’m not angry but it made me sad to lose you too as well as my parents and my beloved, even though I assume you did what you thought best.

After a long tough time, I’m fine. I ran away to Sxxxx to escape the threats and find a bit of peace and it did that. I am moving to a new house soon, have a new business, am still slim and sane, and am building a new life with new people in it. Perhaps just like you did after losing Keith but with sadly less support or family to fall back on. I miss all of you, of course I do, and I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to explain the insanity of it all but I’m pleased to have survived it. Grief as you know prunes all of us.

I am well and happy and having new adventures. I wish I could share these with you but I understand that perhaps it is for the best that I can’t, if only for my own safety as Mr T’s behaviour towards me is still quite peculiar and extreme behind his public mask. He is still evidently far from healthy which is sad of course.

But I think of you often and I so enjoyed our friendship. English roses and tulips have your name on them for me, and the adverts for Chelsea flower show. June 11th is a day when I think of you and my father, and smile. Those late nights/early mornings when the birds told us we’d talked through the night again. The sound of your voice and sharing that first coffee of the morning. Helping you find the houseboat and seeing your pleasure in it. Never ever being bored by your company or your mind or your joie de vivre for over two decades.

It would be lovely, even if we can never talk again, to just get an email from you once a year to let me know that you are well and happy because I have learned belatedly that life throws up some tough surprises and that we never stop loving those we treasure. Even in the worst and craziest of life storms!

You were/are one of my treasures and I am truly grateful for you. I really hope that all is well on your bit of the planet and I send you my biggest most honest kisses from here by the sea.

T


I think there is a strange point in the LBS journey where not only do you stop holding on, but when letting go with grace is almost a relief. When you stop fighting the tides in order to surf new better waves...and that is where I am now and it feels like a good place.
« Last Edit: May 20, 2018, 11:09:00 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline DianaDeBelflor

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #10 on: May 21, 2018, 11:06:55 AM »
You are one classy lady, Treasur. I hope I'll have your grace some day.

I don't think there is a middle ground with the letter you sent. It will either connect with her and she will reach out to you or she will not believe a word that is written in it. The fact that you wrote it and sent it says a lot about you, I think. How she will respond will say a lot about her.

Now that you are closing this chapter of your life, any thoughts about dating?

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #11 on: May 21, 2018, 12:16:47 PM »
I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack.  8)

Sorry taking a bit of a MLC sabbatical or whatever. I am pretty amazed at how much work you have done in your little allotment, along with the buisness...and clients...and house hunting.

Maybe you can hook up my garden in October.  ;)

I really hope that she responds to that email, and that it is mostly positive. I imagine even if she does, it will take her some time before she writes back. Getting something so heartfelt out of the blue will take a few days to really sink in.

Anyway glad to see there are no new watchgates kicking off for you.

How are your calves looking? They must be looking spectacular with all that pedalling!

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #12 on: May 21, 2018, 05:14:37 PM »
Beautiful letter T. I can’t imagine this will not affect her, though she may not be in a place to respond just yet.

Loving your garden. Amazing what you’ve already accomplished.

Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Online TreasurTopic starter

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #13 on: May 21, 2018, 10:22:08 PM »
Thanks Diana, Morte and KiT

I wrote the letter for me really. I needed to say goodbye to yet one more person I loved, even if she feels no need to do the same. I expect to hear nothing at all, same as with XH. It was much more about my finding peace with it all and wanting to tell her that I loved and treasured her, that she mattered to me. I have no idea how or even if she will read it. It was triggered by some of the clearing out of stuff here, another bit of letting go of old treasures to make space for new ones.

Yup, I am making real progress here finally. I'm excited about the old chapel and probably already living in it in my head. The allotment strangely has been a bit of a mental life-saver. Something about the combo of hard physical effort, being outside with dirty hands and the metaphor of clearing a space to grow something new. And dating, Diana? I don't know. I'm not sure I want to although I miss sex and the light fun of spending time in male company. I noticed last week that the chap who had come to fit the gull strips (and accidentally damaged my car) was flirting with me. Mind you it took me 12 hours to realise that... ::)  I don't need the affirmation from it and I'm not sure I'm ready yet to invest the energy in getting to know someone closely. I do see myself as single but I'm not interested in remarrying, or even living with someone else again. I do feel attractive but I don't know, just not in that space yet. A lot of chaps my age seem so much older than me which is ridiculous but how I feel. I guess I'll know when I am ready to open that door...or if someone interesting knocks on it  ;).
« Last Edit: May 21, 2018, 10:30:31 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline serenity

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #14 on: May 21, 2018, 11:40:24 PM »
Just stopping by to say hi

And wish you lots of luck with your impending move. It sounds perfect and just the sort of place that I love too!

It’s daunting, scary but very exciting too. I’m feeling same Treasur as I’ve now found a lovely house to move to. I had my meeting with my solicitor yesterday and even she commented how pretty it was which made me smile. It all seems too good to be true atm!

I wish you well. We both have a challenging and exciting time ahead!

Hugs

X

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #15 on: May 22, 2018, 04:37:10 AM »
THAT's "my" Bishop!

The power of Redemptive Love...... On one side, there are no limits to what it can accomplish but on the other side, even with redemptive love, there is a limit to what WE, as humans, can accept....
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline FearNot

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #16 on: May 22, 2018, 08:25:41 AM »
Attaching T! What a wonderful allotment and blog! Such an inspiration.  :D

I can understand why you feel the need to send the your email, and I do hope you get a response. If not, it's a great way to end a chapter and continue on with your story!
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

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Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #17 on: May 22, 2018, 08:31:34 AM »
Attaching...
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Online Nerissa

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #18 on: May 22, 2018, 10:59:36 AM »
I like your gardening blog.  I hope you get a reply to your letter.  What is wrong with people?  She should know better.

Offline DianaDeBelflor

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #19 on: May 22, 2018, 05:04:38 PM »
And dating, Diana? I don't know. I'm not sure I want to although I miss sex and the light fun of spending time in male company. I noticed last week that the chap who had come to fit the gull strips (and accidentally damaged my car) was flirting with me. Mind you it took me 12 hours to realise that... ::)  I don't need the affirmation from it and I'm not sure I'm ready yet to invest the energy in getting to know someone closely. I do see myself as single but I'm not interested in remarrying, or even living with someone else again. I do feel attractive but I don't know, just not in that space yet. A lot of chaps my age seem so much older than me which is ridiculous but how I feel. I guess I'll know when I am ready to open that door...or if someone interesting knocks on it  ;).
That's kind of where I am, honestly. I have no wish to rush into another relationship since I kind of live with a daily reminder of what that looks like. I have never been into casual sex, so that's probably out of the question. So... what's left? I donno. But today I had a lazy morning and laid with my legs up on my upholstered headboard... and I thought about how good it was to be in this bed alone. I didn't want my husband there or anyone else. It was just nice to be alone.

If all else fails, I'll get a 4th cat, female this time, and call her Ginsburg. (If you haven't seen Book Club, you absolutely must!)

By the way, I have to say that after my great-grandfather died, my great-grandmother spent some quality time dating men 10 years her junior (from what I understand, great-grandpa wasn't even cold yet). So, what I'm saying is that there is no reason why a good-looking in-shape woman cannot date (or... barely date) younger men if men her age seem a little dowdy. If she wants to.  ;D

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #20 on: May 22, 2018, 06:56:53 PM »
Finally caught up.

I love your letter. Isn’t that what we all want really? To be told be someone... anyone that we matter. That our company and our time mattered. That we have been a good friend and a treasure. That our time on earth meant something to someone. I don’t know if she is in a place to accept or believe your words right now but maybe someday she will be.

I am in the same space as you on the dating issue. I barely have the energy to figure out the end of my last relationship. Trying to figure out the beginning of a new relationship seems too overwhelming. I still have LB’s stuff here. I don’t want to replace it with someone else’s stuff anytime soon. And yes.. there seem to be a lot of toads out there but Diana has brought up an intriguing suggestion.

I need to get caught up on your allotment!! I have just killed my little pot of basil.  :(
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #21 on: May 22, 2018, 07:19:54 PM »
Your description of your soon-to-be Chapel by the sea sounds lovely.  Happy to be attaching to the next installment.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10203.msg671589#msg671589

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Online TreasurTopic starter

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #22 on: May 22, 2018, 11:20:41 PM »
Walking thoughts this morning.
I think, on reflection, there is an LBS 'fog'. Why? Because I feel like I've woken up on the other side of it and feel a new clarity and energy that I didn't have even a few months ago. There are still difficult things to be done and my life is far from as I want it to be. I still have moments of disbelief over what has happened and moments of sorrow, but I don't feel like a helpless victim of events now. I feel like I have choices and that, while the future is unknown and not at all what I hoped for, there is one worth fighting for. That I am worth fighting for and having faith in regardless of what has happened. It took me a very long time to get here - shock, grief, confusion, exhaustion and powerlessness over so much that was rewriting my life all fed the fog - but, even if it isn't quite as I want, I know where I am now and I am moving forward from it all into a fog-free next phase. But it's funny...I don't think I knew quite how thick or crazy my own fog was until I recently felt that I'd come out of it blinking! Does that make sense?

And I've been musing on my own behaviour too and my own (often feeble) attempts to control things/XH even when I said I was letting go. XH - for reasons unknown and unimportant - has gone back to non-communication. This makes dealing with the last bits of untangling 20 years a bit harder but not impossible...but I've been pushing him on it. Why? Because a bit of me still wants him to be a decent adult...but mostly, if I'm honest, because a bit of me wants to push his nose into reality and irritate him. Hmmm, not such a nice bit of my character and not very productive either. It's less about wanting/expecting him to do anything really, much more about my emotional need for control. A sort of 'nah, nah, look at how rational I'm being while you're still being s$it'.

Of course, if it is about something big, important and legal, that's different...but I'm talking about pressing him on little things like copies of closing joint account bills that I can get in other ways and that are no real risk to me, just admin tidiness. A bit of me is fighting XH still because I was too hurt and battered to fight earlier on perhaps...but it doesn't serve me, really it doesn't, and it is at odds with my own priorities now. Bit uncomfortable to admit actually, but true anyway, that part of me wants some kind of fake control and to be a burr under his skin because I feel like he's 'gotten away' lightly while I've ben devastated.

So, my decision today - because once you see things about your own behaviour, you can't unsee them can you? - is to stop. To accept that it is a sort-of passive-aggressive expression of outrage and anger that hasn't come out while my head has been pushing me to take the high road. Understandable...but not what I need now. I don't like that bit of me, it's a bit toxic and self-fullfillingly destructive I think. So I will stop chasing him, find other ways to get the simple confirmations I need and press on towards newer, happier things to invest my energy in.  :) It really is easier to just accept that XH will avoid these small obligations as he so comprehensively ignored all the big ones for over 2 years! Idiotic to think otherwise or waste my energy on such unimportant things, relatively speaking... Never could control any of his actions post-BD, not worth trying to now when everything I was trying to protect has been destroyed anyway...and if it is a bit of MLC FU control from him, disconnecting from it completely is a win.

As UM said, redemptive love has great power for all of us but as a human, we have our limits and redemptive love probably needs to start at home first. I can choose to show grace to both C and XH because I loved them so much, but my life got trashed by events and others' actions and I need to redeem my own life first right?

Work this morning. Allotment this afternoon. Busy week, clearing and packing in the evenings. Uncle coming for the weekend as there is a local free fete on Saturday with music, stalls and a hog roast. He is 1.5lbs away from his target weight loss of 6 stone, which is remarkable, so I think he feels like a hog roast and a couple of beers are allowed!
« Last Edit: May 22, 2018, 11:26:13 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #23 on: May 23, 2018, 01:24:37 AM »
Quote from: Treasur
As UM said, redemptive love has great power for all of us but as a human, we have our limits and redemptive love probably needs to start at home first. I can choose to show grace to both C and XH because I loved them so much, but my life got trashed by events and others' actions and I need to redeem my own life first right?

OK, I am seriously blushing....

This was a bit of a paraphrase and further thinking on the main theme that Bishop Michael preached on at Harry and Meghan's wedding but it fits, doesn't it? How can we go forth in the power of redeeming and redemptive love if we do not love ourselves as well? Are we not the vessel of the redemptive love we are trying to send forth? If our own vessel is empty, in other words if we do not believe in redemptive love for ourselves, how can we send that light into our part of the world?
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #24 on: May 23, 2018, 02:04:45 AM »
Amen to that, UM...sometimes so hard to do when we feel overwhelmed and rejected by those who used to love us so much, when it feels as if we don't matter in the world as we used to.

On a practical tidying/saving note, I'm changing my phone soon and had text messages from my father and my beloved that I wanted to save (at least virtually). Great app called TouchCopy, very easy to use, lets you retrieve them from your phone and save as pdf files on your computer.

Can't read them right now but I might want to later. Just seeing the first text from my HaW 'Home soon. No special prefs re supper. All I require is you  ;) xxx' There is truth in them but it will hurt to look right now, not the right time, but I trust some day it might feel right so I didn't want to lose them just in case. I miss that chap so much, it was a lot of fun our M.
« Last Edit: May 23, 2018, 02:41:23 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #25 on: May 23, 2018, 08:09:56 AM »
What a great post Treasur. I definitely believe in that fog. I think I am still in it just a but, but poking out of it now.

Your admission on "poking the bear" just for the sake of getting even per se, hit home for me. I often catch myself having imaginary conversations with H really letting him have it. As if I am the sole judge and juror in what he has done. And as if I too am blameless. But I will also, as you say, do things to just irritate him. Just b/c I am annoyed that I have to take on all of the responsibilities of our "old" life, which includes raising our son and the day to day requirements for that. But you make such a good point. It really doesn't serve us to continue to do those things.  And, in my case anyway, it only fuels the fire.

I am enjoying your journey of self discovery and learning so much about myself along the way. Thank you for sharing.
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Online TreasurTopic starter

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #26 on: May 25, 2018, 12:18:56 AM »
Well, the Bad Wolf grabbed me a couple of days ago and I had one of the hardest days since BD. One of those days when you get what you need perhaps but not what you want. One of those days when a combination of your own chickens coming home to roost, reality and a couple of hours when it feels like the universe just hates you. I was overwhelmed by it. I cycled through all the worst emotions since BD in about 12 hours; despair, fear, helplessness, sorrow, self-doubt, feeling like a victim, the kind of pain that makes you throw up, the kind of sharp grief that makes you want to give up and die so the pain will stop.

After 2.5 years plus FFS.

What happened? A problem with my car. A notice to quit from my landlord giving me 2 months to buy the new house or face homelessness. A really cold email from XH responding to my prods to him last week about practicalities but announcing he would only respond to emails about the financial order, wanted none of the 'things' that had been important to him a few months ago, saw our marriage as a horrible mistake and was looking forward to the day when he would never hear my name again. A couple of financial crises entirely created by the fact that, for about a year, I barely dealt with any mail at all, just let it pile up unopened. An old friend who is struggling with her own stuff. A health crisis with my mother. A small health problem of my own.

I really felt like the universe just hated me...even though I knew some of the problems were because of my own avoidance and denial in the past. Hope drained out through my boots and I felt...not even close to enough.

What did I do? I ran away for a few hours, took to my bed and sobbed myself into exhausted sleep. And then? I got up at 5am, went to my allotment and dug and weeded like a numb motherf**ker. I didn't talk to anyone; I had nothing to say. Then I came back, made a list and dealt with the problems I could fix. Am I ok today? No...but I'm pulling myself through it and keeping my eye on the prize of the old chapel and the stability and peace it offers me. My list focused on what I can do to repair and patch and put away the things that hurt me or get in the way of better. And, now, it took me less than 12 hours to go from howling to upright which is very different from the past.

And the stuff I can't change, fix or heal? I'm just trying to look at it briefly and then push it away as far as I can. And try not to feel too bad that things hurt me that I think I should be 'over' by now. My XH's coldness hurt tremendously. MLC or not, XH happy or not, the truth is that he sees our 20 years and me as worthless...not even worth a tiny bit of grace or respect. That is his reality and it hurts me to be faced with it. It just does. I don't feel worthless but it hurts me that he has such contempt and hatred for me. It just does. It hurts me that my mother is a frail, ranting shell of herself and that she can't care about me anymore, that she mostly sees a stranger. It hurts that my life is still full of mess and chaos because of others' actions (and not enough karma kicking for them from what I can see doesn't help) and my own inaction (which makes me have to face how feeble and in how much denial I was for just how long.) It was a day, like the months after BD, when everything hurt and I felt frightened by everything.

Why am I sharing this?

Because it took 12 hours to drag myself out, not 12 days or 12 months. And I fixed the things I could fix quickly and have a plan for the rest.
Because this is one of the few places that I can say 'it hurts like a punch in the guts' and not feel judged.
Because being honest about how much some things hurt or how hard it is to look at them is part of standing up after you fall over.
Because it feels like God was giving me what I need if not what I want, a really big 2x4 prod that I need to move on further and faster and with faith that doing the life equivalent of digging and sowing will bear good fruit.
Because I need a little encouragement from vets that this is normal, that I am normal...not the soft words of "well your XH doesn't mean it/secretly means x' stuff", that no longer matters so much because it is as it is, and I no longer believe it and I have slowly adapted to the reality of who/what XH is (or the hoard bit I see)...but just that it's normal to hurt this much still some days.

It isn't easy being where I am right now, a funny gap between old and new. I'm doing my very best but prayers and encouragement about the other side of the gap much appreciated!

And on a funny side-note, as I think some of you have also experienced, men are popping up now. The chap who accidentally damaged my car and runs a business with predator birds in a war against gulls, aka Birdman. (My neighbour is absolutely convinced he has a soft spot as he keeps turning up for pretty specious reasons but she likes it because it keeps the gulls away when he pops up with a kestrel on his arm! I accused her of pimping me out...she laughed and said it was my own fault for being so glamorous ha ha.) And the tall tanned AA man who came to fix my flat battery and talked about how he likes women his own age and how important it is to trust your gut instinct.... ;)  Not ready to date yet, but the universe is surely prodding me...
« Last Edit: May 25, 2018, 12:22:14 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #27 on: May 25, 2018, 02:21:36 AM »
So, you got the good old "cosmic kick in the pants" huh?

Hate it when that happens but it does.... To everyone.  Sometimes, it feels like we get the Karma Bus drive-by that SHOULD have been reserved for our formerly Significant Others...... And you want to scream "Hey Butthead! (S)He doesn't LIVE here anymore so just move the firetruck along! Nothing to see here! This is NOT the person you are looking for!"

So, starting at the top....

The car battery thing with the nicely tanned AA guy? Cloud with a silver lining perhaps?

The notice from the Landlord... Hmmmmm .... Good thing that you have the Chapel! How does the timing work for you with the closing and move? If there is a gap, would it be possible to talk to your landlord and explain that you need one month or a couple of weeks? I mean, you'd be giving them your own notice soon anyway, right? So... There might be room for negotiation there... Just a thought...

xH - Water under the bridge, Hon. Of course this is what he wants because 1) Psychowitch is still in his pants, 2) He can't stand to be reminded of the crushing mountain of guilt that is piling up and ready to come crashing down. If he doesn't have to acknowledge your existence, he can pretend that the whole thing never happened... until he can't anymore...

Financial Stuff - Yep, I know what you mean... I am also digging myself out of a backlog. I don't expect to take a hit but there is a LOT of very overdue paperwork that needs to be submitted...

You said that yo are at 2.5 years so we are within weeks, if not days of each other on the time line ... I can't really claim "Veteran" status (unless you want to include xW1 and HER QLC disaster) but I can tell you that this is normal... Any one or two of the triggers would have probably set you to thinking  "Well... BALLS!" get up, dust off the crown, and keep going... But you had many more than a couple all at once....

I don't know if you are much of a fan of sappy musicals but... In the musical version of Camelot, there is a funny old guy that goes by the name of "King Pelinore." He is sort of a wandering vagabond knight who has possibly taken one too many knocks to the noggin.... When he meets Guinevere for the 2nd time, he is talking about how being on a Quest is peaceful..... "When you are on a Quest, you are out int eh world. The Sun scorches you, the rains drench you, the snow freezes you, the wind buffets you about.... But they don't all get together and do it to you at the SAME TIME!... that's why I like being on quest. It is predictable, you can COUNT on it. Unlike most people... Not counting yourself of course, milady.... But, it can get lonely at times I suppose.... "  What you had happen was that they all got together and did it to you at the same time... Even the strongest person can feel overwhelmed at times...

You talk about getting to the "other side of the gap." It is, unfortunately, not like a switch that just gets thrown and all that other stuff just "goes away." That is what the Mid-Lifer is trying to do by blowing everything up and running away.  What you will find is that certain things, as they recede into the distance, have less and less of an effect on you...

You'll get into your Chapel - no more landlord stuff to deal with...
The car stuff? If you own one, it will happen from time to time...
The health issues with your mom - All you can do there is to pray - it is in ways a bit like MLC. There is nothing yu can do to change it . All you can do is to change your own reaction to it. Yes, it is sad to see a parent that has no idea who you are anymore and treats you like a stranger... But, like the alien body snatcher, the disease has supplanted your mom within the shell of her body...

Navigating the way from the old to the new and then cutting the path going forward is certainly a daunting task but it is something that I am sure you can and will navigate... And, when you look back, you will see this one day as one of the harder ones, one where a root grew out of the path and caused you to stumble and scrape a knee but also a day where you got up again, shook yourself off, and kept going ... going towards the new future that YOU build however you want to....

{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}

« Last Edit: May 25, 2018, 02:29:29 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #28 on: May 25, 2018, 04:14:18 AM »
You are one strong woman T. I love how you said you didn't want anybody telling you things you have heard many many times. You wanted the vets too give you advice. You are a vet T. Thing is you already knew what you needed to do, and you did it. You got back up, and went on with your life.
I hope you feel better. It's Friday T. Enjoy it. You may not be ready too date, but you sure can enjoy the attention from the men though, ha.

Offline Blueblood

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #29 on: May 25, 2018, 04:41:10 AM »
Hi All, My first post on HS

I think this forum has been great to understand we're not alone even though in the lonely times it feels that way. I'm amazed how strong LBS's are at times and how vulnerable we are at the same time.

I decided to stop lurking and be active after reading Tr letter to her friend. it made me realise I have lost a big part of my life when W decided it was over, but so has she. People do take sides unwittingly. All her friends have cut ties, not that I was that close to them anyhow, but it was part of who I was. MIL/FIL - haven't spoken to them in over a month, I suppose there are always silver linings.

I'm probably a month away from Decree Nisi, I'm divorcing W, her petition was so trivial my L said I'd be better divorcing as there was OM involved. Not what I wanted but financially we couldn't live that way indefinitely. But today I realised that the monster is still there and W uses various tactics for justification. But today it dawned on me that Acceptance is not a black and white outcome. Acceptance means we have to live with the fall out forever, yes it gets less painful but it will always be there. since we have youngish children I will have to deal with the monster for a while longer.

Tr has done an amazing job at detaching from XH. I wish you well in the next chapter of your life. It appears to me that you channel the lows to become you driving force, good for you.
M 15 @ BD
Me 50 W 45
D15 D12 D9 S9
BD1 Nov16 (not happy), BD2 May17 ILYBNILWY
PA yes

Offline serenity

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #30 on: May 25, 2018, 05:03:55 AM »
Hello Treasur

Glad to hear you’re back on the ‘up’

It’s horrid when all those knocks just come at once and then we collapse into a puddle and feel like shouting why me?!?

We’ve all been there and it’s truly horrid. I’ve had a few wobbles lately probably over moving and a few other things. It just made me feel alone and I desperately wanted someone to just hug me and say it’ll all be ok. But in the end - like you I had to do it for myself.

I’m looking forward to my new home but also scared stiff. Yours sounds fabulous and being a chapel sounds even more special.

You’ll be ok - we all will. We just take turns on here propping each other up

Big hugs

X

Offline Mitzpah

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #31 on: May 25, 2018, 05:58:13 AM »
Treasur,

It does seem to pile up on you...

Good at digging yourself out! ;)

Financial woes - I know about them :P Sometimes one has to chip away at them slowly and surely, I can vouch that you get there, kind of! Other ones turn up but you learn to open mail more promptly - I still resist looking at my bank balance  over weekends though and sometime wait until Tuesday, lol!

I hope you are able to make the move smoothly without finding yourself sleeping in the rough!! You have your potting shed ;D Just kidding!

Cars - oh well - they are kind of like expensive kids. We can't seem to live without them and they sometimes turn useless at the worst times. Ornery machines >:(

As for the communication from XH - just a reminder to stay away from him, you don't need all that rubbish from him. He is feeling prodded, most likely due to your last messages to him and his guilty conscience. Just leave him to his own devices and focus on what you can do from now on.

I am sorry for the situation with your mum. I agree with UM, not much you can do except pray. It is good she is being cared for. I still have mine in relatively good mental health but not without challenges and I am the only one around to deal with things - fortunately my brother is coming back from the UK soon and will be able to shoulder some of the issues that she calls me daily about ::) One I hope to work out at lunch time, she needs a new memory chip to expand the memory on her smart phone and refuses to go and do it herself, so complains to me that she can't reach my other reclusive brother on Whatsapp because the phone is out of memory, can't take pictures of her little dog in her winter coat... ::) :o :P :-X  and I still have to put in a full working day!!

I like the sound of the Birdman - a kestrel on his arm? Lovely ;)

Sending support from a chilly (for us) and sunny Rio!
M 56
H 56
S 26
S 24
D 23
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #32 on: May 25, 2018, 06:10:44 AM »
Oh, Treasur, I want to fly over there and give you big big hugs.  I identify with so much of what you are saying and going through, and you inspire me to keep it classy.

The letter to your friend:
  Wow, I hope I can get there someday.  My MIL has cut me off completely although she has treated me like a daughter for the past 20 years.  The letter I fantasize about writing after D is done, is nothing like yours.  Mine is full of rage, fury and hurt.  But you give me pause.  Wow, if I could dig deep enough and with God's help, write a letter like that, I would be quite proud of myself.

The horrid email from XH Yeah, I'm going through that too.  I can't understand it at all.  He valued me so much.  Made me feel like the most important person in the world.  Now, it's utter hatred.  He (and his mother) have thrown me away like garbage.  My therapist tells me over and over again that it's his own self loathing.  It's 100% guilt and shame on his part that he's trying to unload on me.  I'm trying to take her words in and really believe it, but the point is, for whatever reason he is actually feeling these things towards me right now and may never evolve out of it.  I have PTSD from the sudden change.  My older son (16) has concluded that "there is no such thing as family".  I don't know how to address this.

I am truly inspired by you and your authentic journey (I too like to poke and say "nah nah! I'm so rational and you are such an ass.")  None of us are perfect. 

Thank you for writing so beautifully and really articulating many of the things that we are going through but don't know how to put into words.  SO MANY HUGS FOR YOU!!!
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Collaborative Divorce in process (to protect myself)
I don't think I'm standing, but who knows what the future brings.
Two Teenage boys
Me: 55
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline DianaDeBelflor

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #33 on: May 26, 2018, 12:08:26 PM »
Treasur, after everything is squared away, have you considered simply blocking this man from contacting you?

Offline CallingHeart

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #34 on: May 26, 2018, 01:31:15 PM »
Wow Ursa your post was so inspiring !!!  I think I can read that over and over again!! 

Treasur, - one of my lowest points was  about a year after my HWOW Got his D.   It was one of those wEiRd down cycles that I didn't see coming and I ended up a puddle again. Yes, it was during hurricane Harvey when we got 51" of rain in 3 days and I felt like the ark was sailing by with God waving as I drowned, and the rain, the rain, the rain wouldn't STOP! I felt so much sorrow. It was different from BD when I had so much dread and sorrow mixed.  This was more pure sorrow. Missing my H, and missing my father who had passed a week after HWOW filed.   

But just as you described, coming up out of that down time was quicker, cleaner, and yet somehow more promising than ever before.   The rainbow was brighter somehow.  I think we might grow stronger as we go through these cycles and come out of them on the other side.  He!!,  we gotta be sumo wrestlers by now with all this strength we got  ;)

I hope you're doing better today.
I thought about a quick email to HWOW but your story talked me out of it.
It's just not worth losing my peace at this time.
My H no longer exists, but I do.  (cool irony - I said that at the altar once :D )
Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born.

It's no longer all about MLC!  
Pfffffffftttt !

Offline Anjae

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #35 on: May 26, 2018, 05:36:39 PM »
Sorry you've had a bad day, Treasur, but glad to know you are up on your feet again.

As UM said, redemptive love has great power for all of us but as a human, we have our limits and redemptive love probably needs to start at home first. I can choose to show grace to both C and XH because I loved them so much, but my life got trashed by events and others' actions and I need to redeem my own life first right?

Yes, redemptive love needs to start at home first.

I am sorry about your mum. Nothing you can do. My paternal grandmother is going through the same, and now she become violent - she even attacked another of the care home residents. Last night, I took a deep breath and decided to let it go. It is very sad to see her this way. She was a vibrat, full of life woman, but there is zero I can do. 

Financial stuff continues to be hard on my years, but a couple years ago, I decided I would not worry with such things on weeekend, bank holidays, holidays, etc. Those are me times and unless a real emergency of any kind happens, everything else can wait.

Family, your husband, pretty much like our MLCers, is feeling those things towards you because you are the spouse/a very close person to him. It is all about him and his issues, nothing to do with you. Sadly, the LBS is on the receiving end of their problems.

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Milly

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #36 on: May 27, 2018, 07:06:39 AM »
Treasur, I'm sorry to hear you had one very low day. It's just so frustrating for us once we feel we're reaching a better place in our journey to be right back down to that howling place. Great for all of us to read that by the next day you were making plans and in a better place, albeit not a perfect place. I really liked what UM wrote.

Try to see the red traffic light when thoughts of your ExH's email come to you. He's getting worse. Easier said than done of course. Dim, dim communication for now. He seems to enjoy reiterating just how much you were a mistake in his life. That is not normal. Even a psychopath knows to pretend to be nice.


I hope you're down in your allotment thinking positive. That church of yours is a dream. Just getting that would be a huge present from you to the new Treasur.xxx

Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D23, D20, S13
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Philadelphiagirl

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #37 on: May 27, 2018, 10:15:00 AM »
Hey T, sorry about that email. Following along and sending support. I love that Milly "That is not normal. Even a psychopath knows to pretend to be nice." My IC has often compared my H to Ted Bundy!

Love and support, PG xxx

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #38 on: May 27, 2018, 07:37:49 PM »
Missing you Treasr. Let us know you’re ok please ❤️
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Collaborative Divorce in process (to protect myself)
I don't think I'm standing, but who knows what the future brings.
Two Teenage boys
Me: 55
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline Whyus

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #39 on: May 28, 2018, 03:08:30 AM »
Just catching up T. Im sorry that circumstances got you down but you really are blessed. Please ignore what your h wrote, i know that you dont want to hear this but you know that he didnt really mean what he wrote. it was just his protective wall to stop him seeing what he has lost.
You will soon have a lovely Little home and your self grown products. Your getting the Attention of the local lads, enjoy it for what it is but nothing more.
Somebody interesting will soon come knocking on your door..
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 44
W: 44
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28. Trainings partner. Still together
2 Sons - 18 & 19
2 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Filed
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0
T10. http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9547.0

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #40 on: May 28, 2018, 03:34:33 AM »
How is your baby farm coming?  8)

Offline Milly

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #41 on: May 30, 2018, 01:54:17 AM »
Hi Treasur, it's not like you to not post. I hope all is ok. xxx
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D23, D20, S13
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Online TreasurTopic starter

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #42 on: May 30, 2018, 03:37:29 AM »
Thanks for the concern, much appreciated and nice to know I'm not 'invisible' entirely in the universe  :D
I'm ok, just been tied up with RL tasks and effort to plot my path to the old chapel and a better phase of life. Lots of box clearing and shifting and paperwork so both my back and brain have been under strain!

Will post a bit of an update soon though.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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Offline Milly

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #43 on: May 30, 2018, 09:34:49 AM »
Glad to hear you're just everyday RL busy. Hope you get lots done.xxx
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D23, D20, S13
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #44 on: May 31, 2018, 06:06:36 PM »
Hope you're feeling better today Treasur, the down times can be brutal.

Your garden is looking beautiful :)
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #45 on: June 02, 2018, 02:19:41 AM »
Pouring with rain here so taking a break from dull but necessary stuff to come and update here. I'm on a 50 day ticking clock now to get everything cleared, prepared and done so I can move to the next home and next path. All quiet on the xh front and I have stopped prodding him but instead just dealt with the last bits of administrative connection by myself in a very low-key way. I am 95% there. I don't expect to hear from him as he has made it clear that he currently wants no contact with me or from me. I hope that he will honour the legal order but I have no idea if he will, of course, and if he doesn't the worst consequences for me are sufficiently small that I feel no need to worry about it. If it happens, I'll deal with it then. I suppose these few weeks feel like shifting my focus from the rubble of the old to the promise of the new. And wanting to let go of even more to make space for much better. And letting go to have less detritus but more treasures.

Uncle is turning up soon to take me out for brunch by the harbour, and I suspect our favourite cafe will be cosy but full of the smell of wet dogs and wet humans! It really is pouring like a monsoon here and thunderstorms are forecast for later today but I'm hoping to run off to the allotment for a couple of hours tomorrow.

It's been a strangely emotional week or so, not painful just a bit aching. Lots of thoughts and feelings and not sure I can put words to many of them, but I feel them floating around if that makes sense. I've been inspired by this TED talk https://www.ted.com/talks/susan_david_the_gift_and_power_of_emotional_courage to not hide from feeling what I feel or trying to pin it all down or even know what to do with it. It seems more important to just honour it and accept that I feel how I feel. She talks about the human hardwiring of stimulus and response. That there is a space between them which she calls a space of freedom; I think of it as a place of grace. Strangely too my unworried thoughts have helped me coach a dear friend in crisis and a client who was stuck in a painful place this week.

I realised that my feelings are a function of the calendar too. Soon it will be the third anniversary of my father's death and my memories, good and painful, are still very sharp and clear for me. The day my father died is also the birthday of my H's aunt who used to be one of my closest friends. And this last weekend is the second anniversary of what I suppose was my 'real' BD - or the moment when I knew there was no fixing or going back - when my xh announced out of the blue (to me) that he wanted a divorce. Until then, I thought I was dealing with an unrecognisable severely depressed h who still loved me and had asked me not to give up on him. Crappy Plan A suddenly turned into inconceivably much worse Plan B...and I had no idea 2 years ago that it would get much, much worse or that I would get death threats, panic attacks, be stolen from or go through a crazy MLC version of a divorce. And it was early June last year when the financial disclosures showed me in black and white who ow was and some of the horrible realities of what my h had done to me financially and the life he had chosen.

So, the end of May/early June is an odd dishevelling time for me. I do feel a bit ashamed of my own stuckness and denial for about the next 9 months or so until I moved here really. To be honest, even when I ran away to this little house by the sea, there was a small bit of me that thought my h would see this place and this house. Bit by bit, my denial drifted away as things got worse, and the hope went and I was lost, and then maybe 6 months ago I started slowly to lift my head up and forward. I did my best but grief for my lost father, mother and husband just kicked the s$it out of me. It didn't just blow up my life but it made everything I believed in and cared about go from being written in pencil rather than ink if that makes sense?

So lots of thoughts and feelings here but my actions are more about what next. There isn't much to do with a lot of those feelings but observe them like clouds being blown past. I miss my loved ones every day. I accept that there is a last sticky bit of love and connection towards my h in my heart that I can't shift - or not yet - so I just need to live with it and accept that most folks in RL would disagree with me. But I don't need anything from xh that I expect to get - no goodbye, no explanation and no grace. I know he did love me and valued our M for many years. I accept that he no longer does and he chose to break things that are irreparable and irreplaceable for me. I don't expect to see or talk to him again; I'm not even sure what I would gain if I did, just more confusion and more sadness. I have no idea what he thinks or feels and don't expect to ever hear, but I see that he wants a life without me and chose to destroy every bit of his old life to get whatever it is he has now. I got no say or vote and I no longer care if that turns out well for him or not; only what I do with what I have and how things turn out for me

I'm proud that I have (mostly) found a way to accept the unacceptable, to claw through how my life was as opposed to how I wanted it to be. I am hoping that God thinks I have learned my lessons well so don't need to redo any of the last couple of years.  ;)

So, accepting that now and then the volume of the background melody of loss and hurt gets turned up, I also know it passes and I can live with it now. I cry (briefly usually) at the smallest of things still, things that remind me of loves and joys and conversations that I can't reach now; the feeling of my mum hugging me like a mum, my father's voice, my husband laughing or looking at me with love. Actually I'm crying a bit as I write that...I am a 'drop of the hat' cryer now! My hours and days are about shaking off the old enough that it doesn't pollute the unknown new.

But I have to be honest - courtesy of the joys of cognitive dissonance even after a couple of years - I still have moments when I can't quite believe that this happened to me and my beloved and my family. But I am much braver at accepting that it has and choosing to move forward with faith that this too shall pass and that, in time, all will be well again. Just different.

Lots of 'to do' lists so will be pretty busy with RL goals and challenges in next 50 days. I won't be posting so much but I know you'll all be cheering me on and I'll update you on the big good stuff as it happens.
« Last Edit: June 02, 2018, 02:25:22 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline serenity

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #46 on: June 02, 2018, 02:30:17 AM »
Sorry you’re sad and tearful Treasur,

But it’s akl normal. You’ve got more upheavals on the horizon.

I feel the same, very tearful over anything. My anxiety is through the roof and I’m ill again at the mo with gastric flu. It’s mostly all stress

But you know, both you and I will get there. To our new homes, our safe places. It’s just going to take time, effort and work. But we’ll both do it. I feel old this time but I know eventually I’ll manage it all or I’ll die trying (he he)

You’ve got lots changes and had a lot in a short space of time. We seem to have so much thrown at us and then even more! I’ve often felt at breaking point.

Your new home is going to be amazing and all yours. All cosey, snug and all yours and they’ll be no landlord telling you that you have to leave.

You’ve come this far so you can do the rest

X

Offline serenity

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #47 on: June 02, 2018, 02:31:34 AM »
ps

You’ll also hear from your H again whether you like it or not!

X

Online Nerissa

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #48 on: June 02, 2018, 04:36:34 AM »


So, the end of May/early June is an odd dishevelling time for me. I do feel a bit ashamed of my own stuckness and denial for about the next 9 months or so until I moved here really. To be honest, even when I ran away to this little house by the sea, there was a small bit of me that thought my h would see this place and this house. Bit by bit, my denial drifted away as things got worse, and the hope went and I was lost, and then maybe 6 months ago I started slowly to lift my head up and forward. I did my best but grief for my lost father, mother and husband just kicked the s$it out of me. It didn't just blow up my life but it made everything I believed in and cared about go from being written in pencil rather than ink if that makes sense?


I am behind you and have stayed stuck for rather longer, but I identify completely with all of this. 
Last week, when I was musing to my therapist about what I was like in the marriage, pre and post BD, and about my H’s criticisms, I said ‘But it wasn’t all my fault’
She replied ‘No it wasn’t. Because if it had been, he wouldn’t  have left”

It was nice to hear this since it’s so hard to understand what on Earth has happened at times.

Offline CallingHeart

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #49 on: June 02, 2018, 07:39:33 AM »
Treasur,  everything you wrote resonates with me. The shifting and drifting of hope you describe is somewhat sad and yet we have to lift our heads to find that hope again in the promise of a better future. 

I agree you are going through so many big changes (not little ones) and all happening in a relatively short period of time. But in all of this, you have held onto that gap between stimulus and response-your definition of Grace.  You may not be able to see the forest from all the trees, but you are doing a fine job of very gracefully lining up a future worth having.
Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born.

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #50 on: June 02, 2018, 10:49:16 AM »
Glad to read your post this morning Treasur.

It's such a struggle to let go and accept that the H you knew and loved is no longer. I'm not sure if I have fully accepted that yet but I feel as if I'm letting go bit by bit.

Of course we will be cheering you along, you have a house to move into and make your own so you will have plenty to occupy you.

Will look forward to your updates.
Me: 50
H: 40
S19, D15
Together for 19 years
BDay in 2004, 2011 and now March 5 2017
Ran away on 5 March BD
No OW
Returned home 'underdone' 1 July 2017.
Left again 22 October 2017.
H - Silent and non-communicative
Me - Letting go and moving forward

Offline Milly

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #51 on: June 02, 2018, 01:00:21 PM »
Treausur, thanks for the update on what's going with you. Everything you say resonates with me. Thanks for that. I'm sure you're helping many of us by writing here.

I totally get that shift from hoping your H is about to get through his crisis, and then the moment we begin to realize that they might never. Actually, I think that moment is a great gift to us. It's the death we don't get. As hard as it is on us when we come to that realization, it's nowhere near as hard as BD1, or BD2, or the evil messages from them, or the NC from them. From the moment we realize or accept they might never come back, we start planning for our own futures simply because we have no choice.

Your new house will be lovely, your plans are great, but of course that melancholy will be there because after all, it would all be so much more wonderful with your H sharing it with you.

A difficult month for you with many triggers. I hope your 50 day deadline works on distracting you. I Also hope your weather gives you a little break tomorrow so you can get out to your allotment.
Big hugs to you,
Milly
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D23, D20, S13
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Anjae

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #52 on: June 02, 2018, 03:20:28 PM »
But I have to be honest - courtesy of the joys of cognitive dissonance even after a couple of years - I still have moments when I can't quite believe that this happened to me and my beloved and my family. But I am much braver at accepting that it has and choosing to move forward with faith that this too shall pass and that, in time, all will be well again. Just different.


Even those who have been at it longer than you still have trouble accepting this has happened. All will be well, but different. One day at a time an this too shall pass.

You have a lovely new home to move into and a wonderful new chapter in your life coming up.

Serenity is right, like it or not, you will hear from your husban again.


I totally get that shift from hoping your H is about to get through his crisis, and then the moment we begin to realize that they might never.

Most likely, they will come out of crisis. But, for many, that will be years and years down the road. The shift from thinking a spouse is going to come out of crisis to spouse is not going to come out of crisis is a normal step in the LBS path,

From the moment we realize or accept they might never come back, we start planning for our own futures simply because we have no choice.

Even if they come back, we plan for us, because, like you said, we have no choice. Plan for yourself, Treasur.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Online hopeandfaith

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #53 on: June 02, 2018, 04:16:59 PM »
I did my best but grief for my lost father, mother and husband just kicked the s$it out of me. It didn't just blow up my life but it made everything I believed in and cared about go from being written in pencil rather than ink if that makes sense?

You often remind me of a speaker I once listened to at a 'Happiness and its Causes' conference that I went to last year.   This conference featured the 'best of the best' including the Dalai Lama.  I can't remember her name but her loss was similar to yours.  I sat in awe wondering how she could turn her life around after the blows she had suffered but she did - spectacularly.  You don't go through loss like that, with a truth seeking personality like yours, without ending up with deep peace and love.  That's what I believe anyway.  No pressure, but I predict quite amazing things from you ;D ;)
BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved out July 2017
D18, D16 and S14

Online TreasurTopic starter

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #54 on: June 04, 2018, 01:08:26 AM »
h&f, I think that is one of the nicest most meaningful compliments anyone has ever given me. And it made me see that yes, truth-seeking is part of my core. With kindness, and accepting that truth isn't always simple, but there is something important to me about fighting hard to try to be truthful. To myself and in my life.

My truths - which have been fermenting quietly while I've been doing other things - are starting to get much cleaner and clearer. Some of them are a bit uncomfortable but still true. I feel unrooted without a family but I no longer feel that I don't matter. I want people in my life who enjoy and treasure me; I had that, I like it and I deserve that or I'd rather be alone. I don't like the chaos of lies. I don't like people who are content to hurt others over an extended period of time to feel better or avoid their own pain. I try really hard not to do that, even if I don't always succeed, and I respect others who try too. I miss my H and my family, but they are lost and I can't change that.

I don't really know what happened to my xh. Difficult enough to understand one's own crazy, let alone someone else's! But what I've seen, MLC or not, is that my H prioritised his pain and/or happiness over mine. Consistently and for a long time. He shows/showed no empathy at all for a fellow human who was grief-stricken, ill and suffering. And no actions that suggested he feels/felt any obligation or responsibility after almost 20 years. I see no evidence that he wants anything other than for me, and our shared history, to simply disappear. I'm past wondering why much - it's so far from my values and life experience that it will always be incomprehensible to me.

So, my h turned into a self-obsessed angry unreachable monster. Or at least towards me. I couldn't explain it; he chose not to. For over 2 years. The key bit of letting go for me was when I simply ran out of belief that he would ever show up looking like a decent human being again. Once I got there, I had to accept that if I want a life shaped by kindness and grace and honesty, there is no place in it for my xh. That if I wanted to be treasured, enjoyed and respected, there is no place for xh because he will/can no longer do or be those things. I'm sad about that and I am still horrified by the rather dreadful person he has chosen to be now (or what I can see as he may be different with others or elsewhere of course)...but xh can only bring chaos, lies and toxic dark things. Letting go is the price I pay for demanding a better kind of life for myself without that kind of darkness and without people who see hurting me as an acceptable price for anything. It's not very different from taking things to the charity shop so I have only the things that please me or serve me in my new next home.

I shall probably always feel sad about losing my parents and my beloved - how could I not? But I did my best to keep faith with them all and now I need to do what is best for me and the few people left in my life who do value and care about my wellbeing. The simple truth is that xh is no longer 'good enough' for me, not the other way round, and I've stopped believing that he will ever bring anything good or fruitful into my life again. I choose to expect to never hear from him again. I may be wrong, as some of you say, but my plans are based on that. I have no idea how I would respond if I am wrong, but I'm content to let it be and trust that I will put my needs and values first. Just like I chose a while ago to not go 'pain-shopping', I refuse to invite lies and toxic back into my life even if it would help my xh if I did. I just got to a point where my future and sanity matters more, where my belief in me as an investment got bigger and my belief in my xh dwindled.

I don't like it, but once I started seeing it that way, life got simpler and I stopped chewing and wrestling with most of the unanswerable questions. I can still choose to stick grace and kindness in that gap between what happens to me and what I do about it...but I do it because it's who I choose to be and my own 'good wolf' investment in a good life. It is entirely about me and nothing to do with my xh or his life or future at all.
« Last Edit: June 04, 2018, 01:35:37 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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Online TreasurTopic starter

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #55 on: June 04, 2018, 03:02:40 AM »
I am looking forward to a time when paperwork doesn't hurt or make me catch my breath....
Seeing my paper shredder as a recovery tool right now  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #56 on: June 04, 2018, 06:09:32 AM »
"So, my h turned into a self-obsessed angry unreachable monster. Or at least towards me. I couldn't explain it; he chose not to. For over 2 years. The key bit of letting go for me was when I simply ran out of belief that he would ever show up looking like a decent human being again. Once I got there, I had to accept that if I want a life shaped by kindness and grace and honesty, there is no place in it for my xh. That if I wanted to be treasured, enjoyed and respected, there is no place for xh because he will/can no longer do or be those things. I'm sad about that and I am still horrified by the rather dreadful person he has chosen to be now (or what I can see as he may be different with others or elsewhere of course)...but xh can only bring chaos, lies and toxic dark things. Letting go is the price I pay for demanding a better kind of life for myself without that kind of darkness and without people who see hurting me as an acceptable price for anything. It's not very different from taking things to the charity shop so I have only the things that please me or serve me in my new next home."

This resonates so much for me.  I'm not quite there yet, I'm still hoping Monster will sit down and shut up.  The hard part for me is how do we ever trust again?  He was my protector, the one who always had my back and now he treats me worse than anyone ever has.  So how do we ever let ourselves be vulnerable again? Even with someone who is good and kind? Because now we know what it feels like to have the rug completely pulled out from under us. 
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Collaborative Divorce in process (to protect myself)
I don't think I'm standing, but who knows what the future brings.
Two Teenage boys
Me: 55
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Online TreasurTopic starter

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #57 on: June 04, 2018, 07:43:49 AM »
Family, I think we trust ourselves. I'm not sure I will love in the same way if only because my lost loved ones were unique to me and it would take another two decades at least to recreate the length of my relationship with my h...but different doesn't mean bad, and the world is full of good people who can be trusted to treat us with care and respect.

And, to be honest, having survived the last two years, I know I could survive almost anything now and be able to walk away with my head up if I needed to. It is a shock when your best friend and life mate turns from having your back for years into someone who stabs you in the back repeatedly. Even worse when they do it for no good reason you can comprehend. But, I've survived - albeit with some bruises and scars - and so have you...I truly can't imagine anything more painful or more frightening than the last three years of my life so I'm not sure I would ever be vulnerable in the same way as I was when I never conceived of losing so much. And it does make me feel profoundly grateful when the tide turns and I get little bits of peace without more hand grenades!

Knocked some things off my list today. Paperwork for the new L for the new house. Old financial paperwork (his) and the signed form to remove myself from the joint account (leaving him with the responsibility for the overdraft he created on it which he idiotically agreed to). I sent it all in a box with no covering note because I had nothing to say and it felt good to get it all out of my space. I think there may be only one more bit of admin to deal with now, an old life insurance policy and that's it. The end. A whimper not a bang for 20 years, but then to be fair, I'm tired of dramatic bangs and flashes.  :D  The court should sign off the financial order in the next week or so and the money from the house will hit my account. To be honest, it's not very different from dealing with the process after my father died. It is still all a bit emotional sometimes like an after-shock of how unkind and insane and unreasonable my xh has been, but I keep reminding myself that a) only needs to be done once and b) it's the door to better.
« Last Edit: June 04, 2018, 08:01:41 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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Offline Mortesbride

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #58 on: June 04, 2018, 11:23:43 AM »
Just catching up with you Treasur and glad to see things are moving toward the light for you.

I hope everything goes smoothly for your big move. :)

Offline DianaDeBelflor

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #59 on: June 04, 2018, 08:25:49 PM »
I want people in my life who enjoy and treasure me; I had that, I like it and I deserve that or I'd rather be alone.
Treasur, I may be wrong, but no one who truly believes this and owns this is going to be alone for long.

Your ex missed out on quite the lady.

Online hopeandfaith

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #60 on: June 05, 2018, 03:15:24 AM »
I want people in my life who enjoy and treasure me; I had that, I like it and I deserve that or I'd rather be alone. I don't like the chaos of lies. I don't like people who are content to hurt others over an extended period of time to feel better or avoid their own pain. I try really hard not to do that, even if I don't always succeed, and I respect others who try too.

But what I've seen, MLC or not, is that my H prioritised his pain and/or happiness over mine. Consistently and for a long time.

I want a life shaped by kindness and grace and honesty....... I wanted to be treasured, enjoyed and respected, ..but xh can only bring chaos, lies and toxic dark things. Letting go is the price I pay for demanding a better kind of life for myself without that kind of darkness and without people who see hurting me as an acceptable price for anything. It's not very different from taking things to the charity shop so I have only the things that please me or serve me in my new next home.

But I did my best to keep faith with them all and now I need to do what is best for me ..... The simple truth is that xh is no longer 'good enough' for me, not the other way round...., but I'm content to let it be and trust that I will put my needs and values first. Just like I chose a while ago to not go 'pain-shopping', I refuse to invite lies and toxic back into my life even if it would help my xh if I did. I just got to a point where my future and sanity matters more, where my belief in me as an investment got bigger and my belief in my xh dwindled.

...life got simpler and I stopped chewing and wrestling with most of the unanswerable questions. I can still choose to stick grace and kindness in that gap between what happens to me and what I do about it...but I do it because it's who I choose to be and my own 'good wolf' investment in a good life. It is entirely about me and nothing to do with my xh or his life or future at all.

All of this.  I am borrowing or sharing your truths if you don't mind Treasur?

The end. A whimper not a bang for 20 years, but then to be fair, I'm tired of dramatic bangs and flashes. 

I really liked TS Eliot at school.  I should maybe have another look at his stuff now that I am on the other side of some life experience.
BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved out July 2017
D18, D16 and S14

Offline Kitty

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #61 on: June 05, 2018, 05:40:58 AM »
I hope everything goes well with your move Treasur.

I believe that when the time is right, you will have no problems finding someone. You've come a long way from your first posts here, and while you are still hurting from your XH's crazy MLC divorce, you have come through with a poise and grace that I wish I had a fraction of.
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline Reallytrying

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #62 on: June 05, 2018, 06:01:03 AM »
Like so many here - your strength is impressive. The people who chose to walk away from you are the ones who are losing. YOU are the prize!

Online TreasurTopic starter

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #63 on: June 05, 2018, 06:21:00 AM »
Thank you all for your cheering me on. Rough day today although not MLC-related. A financial problem because of something I avoided months ago. A legal hiccup that might lose me the new house and leave me homeless in a few weeks. I'm inwardly chanting that I'm resourceful and I'll figure something out either way, that there is always a Plan C and D etc.

But I feel frightened. Never felt frightened before BD, but fear has become a pop-up companion now and then. And part of my fear is because I feel so alone without my family, no back up at all either financially or practically. Unlike xh I don't have a rich auntie with a free houseboat or a psycho AP with a free house to camp in either. It isn't a great place to be at 54.

But a couple of dawn hours weeding at the allotment instead of monkey-braining reminded me of the benefit of persistence even when the weeds take over so you feel you've gone backwards. And that the good thing about a return visit to the land of insecurity and fear is that it will be very nice when I get to the other side of it. And it could be worse and I did come up with some Plans C, D, E and F, none of which require me sleeping in my shed at the allotment!

It's extraordinary how much of my stability and security got blown up by a combo of MLC and life though, and my own mental health which I have to own. Difficult to care much about paperwork when you're actively planning to die as I was then, although I didn't want to leave too much chaos for someone else having waded through it with my parents. I keep telling myself calmly - because right now I have to be my own father, mother and best friend - that I just have to keep going and accept that 2+ years of chaos can't be all fixed in just a couple of months.

Decided to take a punt and email xh to see if he still wants to stick to his (petulant toys out of pram) decision to wait until the court approves the order before the house funds are distributed as my solicitor is asking. I can manage without them for a bit longer but it would be easier with them if I need to fund a Plan D or E so neither a cardboard box on the beach or my shed have to become Casa Treasur. Told him none of this, of course, but just a factual query saying my solicitor was asking me for clarification and I wondered if he'd prefer to get it off his to do list now. Asked for a yes/no within 24 hours. What do I expect? If he wants the money say for a nice hols with ow or if her wedding plans are coming up soon, I suspect he'll reply and say yes. Otherwise, I expect him to ignore me.

All prayers and encouraging vibes and sympathetic deep breathing welcomed....
Won't it be good when life is in calmer waters again?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Thunder

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #64 on: June 05, 2018, 06:30:40 AM »
I hope you get a reply back, Treasur.

Maybe he will need the funds too.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Online TreasurTopic starter

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #65 on: June 05, 2018, 06:40:00 AM »
That's my hope too, thunder, thought it was worth a (sneaky) try. Didn't bother being honest or asking for help, of course, not only would it be pointless but I suspect he might still be at that stage of cutting his nose off to spite my face!
We'll see...it's not a game-changer, it would just make me feel a bit less scared about my options.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #66 on: June 05, 2018, 06:41:33 AM »
Lots of hugs to you Treasr. I for one am so grateful for your presence. You have inspired me on so many occasions. I believe God has something planned for you greater than your imagination. As a good friend advised me; Just focus on doing the next right thing for yourself and turn the rest over to God. 

That has worked well for me when I get panicky (we are the same age,btw so I get it!). I hope you can also find a bit of solace in that.
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Collaborative Divorce in process (to protect myself)
I don't think I'm standing, but who knows what the future brings.
Two Teenage boys
Me: 55
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #67 on: June 05, 2018, 06:50:35 AM »
I hope he responds Treasur. You are an amazingly strong Woman.
I will be praying for you, hopefully you will get what you need, mainly some peace.

Offline FearNot

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #68 on: June 05, 2018, 08:51:03 AM »
I hope you get an answer as well Treasur! You are in my prayers!
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #69 on: June 05, 2018, 09:22:43 AM »
I am sorry for the hiccup Treasur. I don’t know why we have been cast into this confusing, scary and lonely journey but there must be some reason behind it all. I try to take the locked doors in stride and not spend too much time crying in the hallway before trying to open new doors. I just keep telling myself there must be something better for me behind door #2.
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Online Mae

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #70 on: June 05, 2018, 10:45:46 AM »
You are very strong and resourceful Treasur coming up with back up plan after back up plan. Hoping you get  a positive answer to ease the pressure on you.
Me: 50
H: 40
S19, D15
Together for 19 years
BDay in 2004, 2011 and now March 5 2017
Ran away on 5 March BD
No OW
Returned home 'underdone' 1 July 2017.
Left again 22 October 2017.
H - Silent and non-communicative
Me - Letting go and moving forward

Offline Anjae

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #71 on: June 05, 2018, 03:59:56 PM »
Fingers crossed you get the reply.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #72 on: June 05, 2018, 04:11:32 PM »
Thinking, praying, fingers and toes crossed, and sending positive vibes your way Treasur.

And yes, it does feel very lonely every so often doesn’t it? I guess when we do get through all this, we will be so ridiculously strong and resilient.

Hugs friend. You got this
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline DianaDeBelflor

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #73 on: June 05, 2018, 05:29:36 PM »
Keeping my fingers crossed for you, Treasur. I think you used the magic words "my solicitor."

Don't feel bad about what happened before. We all have the right to fall apart. Those of us who are strong find ways to get back up and piece themselves together. You're strong. You've got this.

Offline Milly

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #74 on: June 06, 2018, 01:10:35 AM »
Crossing my fingers for you, Treasur. I agree with what Diana said, you don't need to feel bad about what you might have done imperfectly in the past. I left piles of letter and bills unopened before. I kinda still do, but now at least I open the ugly ones right away.

Knowing what you're like now, I have no doubt that you are going to resolve this new problem very quickly. The alphabet is long, after all. Hope today is better.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D23, D20, S13
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Online TreasurTopic starter

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #75 on: June 06, 2018, 10:15:27 AM »
xh did reply, said no (obviously not feeling the financial pressure) but did reply in a short faux normal response. Not the end of the world. Far from my biggest problem. I made some small progress today but it's all a mess. Even my printer stopped working!

I will press on but I think the likelihood is that the old chapel option won't work in time and I'll have to come up with a temporary alternative and then try something else. It's difficult to deal with L's and post-divorce admin and money and self-employment with no fixed abode address in 6 weeks or so. I will keep going and I will figure something out. Some of this mess is my post-depression fallout. Some of it is debris from xh being a selfish nasty s$it. Some of it is just life stuff. Some of it is because my father died and my mother made choices when well that have now left me in a more difficult situation. My biggest challenge is ignoring the voice in my head that says I'm 54, a huge failure, I have no-one to love or who loves me, that everything I invested my energy and care in over the last 20 years is either gone or was a lousy investment (so I'm an idiot too, but to be fair, a humble one!) For the very first time, I wish I had never met my h and I don't remember loving him or care much if it was real or not. There is a bit of me again that wants to end my life like Kate Spade. Fortunately the bit of me that wants to not be beaten by it all is bigger, but I'm not feeling good about me, my life or the choices that brought me here right now.

Still, tomorrow is another day right?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Thunder

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #76 on: June 06, 2018, 11:04:57 AM »
Treasur,

Sometimes when it rains, it pours.  Just when you think things can't get worse...they do.  I'm really soory your X was creep and not agree to your request.

I'm was older than you when H bd'd me.  Retired on a fixed income.
My 1st thought was..why in the h!ll did you wait until I was retired for a few years, from a good paying job, with benefits, to do this??  I had my dental and vision insurance now under his employer.  Which of course I lost....and more.
He was quite a bit younger than me so he had years left to work and make money.

Well, I'm not going to get into my wretched story, I even hate thinking about it, I just wanted you to know I was in that dark place too, at one time.   Maybe 2 times, actually.  :(
Now I can't even imagine feeling like that again 7 years down the road.

We get through it, but it's very tough.  The only one helping you, is you.  They checked out.  Don't care.  Go on their merry way.

Does it make you stronger?  Yes I suppose, but it's more you learn to fend for yourself, rely on yourself.  No one is going to come and save you.  You flounder around and make mistakes but I think you also gain wisdom by those mistakes.
Mistakes you'll never make again.

I'm really sorry all this is happening right now but you'll figure it out, Treasur.  You're an intelligent, resourceful woman.

Sending you love today.

With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Online Mae

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #77 on: June 06, 2018, 12:11:48 PM »
Sending love your way too Treasur. You are so valued here and have done a lot to support so many people, you often check up on me when I go quiet on my thread.

I just know that you will get through this. You have survived much worse. You have definitely not failed, you are such a success because no matter the huge burdens you have been asked to bear, you do bear them.

Thinking of you and what you have survived has often helped me in putting one foot in front of the other.

Me: 50
H: 40
S19, D15
Together for 19 years
BDay in 2004, 2011 and now March 5 2017
Ran away on 5 March BD
No OW
Returned home 'underdone' 1 July 2017.
Left again 22 October 2017.
H - Silent and non-communicative
Me - Letting go and moving forward

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #78 on: June 06, 2018, 12:29:15 PM »
Today is just a day that needs to be deleted really. I got a triple truck of crap today so I feel your pain.

I am sorry he is being a super massive douche bag. Boy you must get tired of hearing that am I right?  :o

Perhaps you should try to explain the situation to him about you needing it sorted for a new house etc.

Yes it is a long shot. Yes he might not give a toss....yes you have a million reasons why NOT to bother. But what do you have to lose by trying? Maybe you will get lucky and some flicker of him will decide to help out. Maybe you can still save your little chapel. Or maybe he will do nothing...and you will be in the exact same place you are now.

Offline Acorn

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #79 on: June 06, 2018, 12:39:08 PM »
Treasur, someone, somewhere in the world is on HS at any given time of the day or night.  Don’t suffer alone.  You vent away, share your thoughts.  Type away.  We understand. 
Offering you some cyber hugs.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline FearNot

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #80 on: June 06, 2018, 01:21:01 PM »
Sending you big hugs and prayers while you wade through these rough waters! I am so sorry you are feeling this way Treasur, but one minute, one day at a time.
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #81 on: June 06, 2018, 04:42:45 PM »
So sorry about all the recent darkness T.  Sending you some (((HUGS))).  I wish the best for you, and I'm praying that there is a coming light to this recent turmoil.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10203.msg671589#msg671589

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline Mitzpah

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #82 on: June 06, 2018, 04:56:18 PM »
Treasur,

I feel for you. It IS hard to have to deal with all that you are - every one of us has our challenges in one area or another and sometimes all these challenges seem to gang up on us all at once  >:(. Some of our own making, others not so much but the bottom line is that we end up having to face them :-\

At almost 57, I can sympathize with your feeling of having fallen short - life definitely hasn't turned out the way I had imagined it would at this point ??? - on bad days, I muddle through, on most days I try to keep my hope where it should be - in God and I make the best of it - who knows what is around the corner :)

Tomorrow is a new day and new opportunities to make it a good day!

M 56
H 56
S 26
S 24
D 23
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Online TreasurTopic starter

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #83 on: June 07, 2018, 12:04:05 AM »
Thank you for the love and support. Just wanted to let you all know that I am still here and still pushing on with the to do list of making a post-MLC life. Unfortunately it seems to need more baby steps again when I want to make big leaps, but I will press on because I want that glimmer of a new life more than I fear not being able to do it.

Talked for a long time to an old RL friend last night too. She reminded me of something called the Revolutionary J curve, the idea that big social change doesn't happen when things are at their worst but when people see a hint of better which then disappears again. I think that is where I am. I saw a way out and then it (probably) disappeared. Plan A may become Plan B or Plan F even, and it might take longer than I want it to...but what is different is that I have seen the light through the door and I want it more than I want to hold on to past treasures. It was a very fruitful wide-ranging chat. My friend reminded me that there is nothing wrong with how I loved or what I treasured, that even if my xh had the right and need to make a new life for himself the way he did it was destructive and abnormal and unhealthy...and that the not known yet isn't always a token of more bad things. All true. That baby steps towards the door out also create milestones of moving away from the old. Also true.

Some of you might remember that my xh returned his wedding ring post-watchgate. He didn't want to but he momentarily felt ashamed of what watchgate made him see in his own life I think. Anyway he did without my asking but I know it (strangely) hurt him to do so. In January, I wanted it for two simple if not 'good' reasons; I didn't think he deserved to have it and it was a tangible link to the man who wore it every day for so many years. I'd been wearing it on a chain around my neck, and then on my right hand with my own rings. Last night, I took it off and decided that I will return it to him. Why? Because the connection it represents needs to go and because truly it belongs to him with whatever meaning or associations it holds for him. He will do with it as he sees fit and that is not my business any longer. I'm using the rule of 3 to check in with myself that this is what I really want to do and that it is time...but I'm pretty sure my instinct is right and it is what I will do. My marriage is gone, my xh is part of my history and a ring is not a person or a relationship. Just as with my parents, I carry the bits that matter with me in my heart and memories without needing the kind of objects that I couldn't let go in my earlier grief. Time to let this go too even if I still need to keep my rings on my right hand because of what they still mean to me and about my life.

Back to my baby steps to do list now...
« Last Edit: June 07, 2018, 12:07:59 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #84 on: June 07, 2018, 01:22:16 AM »
"The Journey of 1000 miles starts with a single first step"

Taking that step is often a Leap of Faith, faith in yourself, faith in your higher power, faith in the goodness of the universe.  That doesn't mean we won't occasionally trip, stumble or even fall flat on our faces but we chose what happens, to stay down or to get up and start walking again....

You have chosen to start walking.... again and again...

Applying the Rule of 3 to our own ideas/reactions is a good idea sometimes - goes back to the "Respond, don't react" concept...

Chin Up, Treasur, you got this...

Bear Hug
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online TreasurTopic starter

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #85 on: June 07, 2018, 01:25:07 AM »
Best Bear Hug Ever!!!
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #86 on: June 07, 2018, 08:59:57 AM »
Walking with you, Treasur.  You inspire me every time you post!  Lots and lots of love to you.
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Collaborative Divorce in process (to protect myself)
I don't think I'm standing, but who knows what the future brings.
Two Teenage boys
Me: 55
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline Kitty

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #87 on: June 07, 2018, 09:28:42 AM »
I know that you will be able to handle whatever comes your way Treasur. But I hope things start looking up for you again soon.

Sending ((hugs)).
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline CallingHeart

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #88 on: June 07, 2018, 10:25:53 AM »
You could always hock the ring and apply the $ to your financials.
 ;D

I agree that change probably occurs when there is seen a glimmer of hope than when not seen or experienced.
cheering you on as well.  i'm glad you had that chat with your RL friend.
Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born.

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Pfffffffftttt !

Offline Anjae

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #89 on: June 07, 2018, 05:53:59 PM »
Applying the Rule of 3 to our own ideas/reactions is a good idea sometimes - goes back to the "Respond, don't react" concept...

This. And one day at a time.

And throw away that voice in your head.

Hugs
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #90 on: June 07, 2018, 06:28:19 PM »
Hoping you feel better soon Treasur, this marathon has to end one day ::)
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Online hopeandfaith

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #91 on: June 07, 2018, 08:26:59 PM »
Phew, the Universe must think you are one tough chick Treasur because you are just not getting much of a break are you?  I feel like campaigning to whatever Gods are sending this your way and saying "can you just give her a break for like a minute??"

Big, useless, across the pond, cyber hugs being shipped to you my friend x
BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved out July 2017
D18, D16 and S14

Offline Thunder

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #92 on: June 08, 2018, 12:36:09 AM »
I agree with CallingHeart, I would hock the ring and put it towards your finances.

Treasur, the frame of mind he is in it probably wouldn't mean anything to him anyway.  He may just hock it himself, or she would.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Online TreasurTopic starter

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #93 on: June 08, 2018, 12:49:04 AM »
Strangely, I can't do that right now. Just doesn't feel right. (if it was worth thousands, I might feel differently LOL)
If he/she did, not my choice or business and I wouldn't know so it doesn't matter.
I've offered it; he responds or not. Doesn't really matter if not, I'll just tuck it away for another time/solution. Tbh, I'm much more focused on my presenting problems and my mother's needs right now so the ring is not really a big issue either way. The bit that mattered to me was realising that I wanted to remove it from my space now - a bit like deciding to put a bag together for a charity shop, it doesn't matter much which charity shop because the main driver is to get rid of stuff if that makes sense?

Meanwhile, more importantly, on my side of the life street, I am ploughing through my to do list, juggling options and have a meeting with a L on Monday to see if I can fix the L hiccup with the old chapel option. Working very hard to keep the bad wolf voice of future doom and a pointless 'was it real' past as quiet as possible. May need a hammer to hand like one of those 'splat the rat' fairground games as going through old admin does tend to make it pop up! Onwards.
« Last Edit: June 08, 2018, 12:53:37 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Thunder

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #94 on: June 08, 2018, 01:12:37 AM »
I understand. 

My H hocked his ring about 2 years after BD.  I really didn't care.  At the time it meant nothing anyway.

Maybe just put it away for now.  There's always time for that later.  You have more pressing matters to attend to.

I did hock some rings that did mean something to me, from him, but it ended up not bothering me at all.  Odd really.
Maybe I'm just not the romantic type.   ;D
I still have my wedding ring, but I've thought about taking the diamonds out and putting them in a pendant.   :)

Well I hope the lawyer can help you, Treasur.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline Blueblood

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #95 on: June 08, 2018, 01:26:43 AM »
Hi Tr,

It's interesting to read your story for someone so far down the road to me. W and I always talked about jewelry and watches as something to pass on to our children. I have 2 nice watches, one was an engagement present the other for my 40th. Both need to be serviced to maintain their value (£400 each a time). W was so angry when I had my watch serviced recently, the dream that lay behind them doesn't matter to her anymore. I hardly wear them now and feel sad when I do.

When the D comes through I may just put them in their boxes with my wedding ring and a note for my boy and that will be the end of them.

keep strong your journey seems to revolve around you now. That's got to be a good place.
M 15 @ BD
Me 50 W 45
D15 D12 D9 S9
BD1 Nov16 (not happy), BD2 May17 ILYBNILWY
PA yes

Online TreasurTopic starter

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #96 on: June 10, 2018, 12:58:05 PM »
Quick practical update first.

Tomorrow is the anniversary of my Dad's death and C's 74th birthday, my lost friend and xh's enabling auntie.

Seeing the L tomorrow morning to see if I can make the legal hiccup go away quick enough to still get the Old chapel. Suspect not, so that will leave me with 2 options - either see if I can rent it from the vendors for a few months, fix the L hiccup and buy it OR let the old chapel go, rent somewhere else while I fix the hiccup and then look again for somewhere to buy in 6 months or so. Then meeting my uncle to take flowers to my Dad's grave and go for lunch in his honour.

Learned a couple of things in last couple of days though. I’m much better at getting back up quicker than I was. I’m better at asking for help (and in fact sharing on a local community website has thrown up 3 houses to rent...a beach house, a cottage in a nearby village where nothing usually comes up for rent and a house 3 streets away...all slightly less than I’m paying now, who knew?) I learned that the uncertainty has really upped me desire to get rid of things and move forward to new. I learned that I do feel it’s time to leave this house with no regrets which has been a sanctuary but maybe a hiding place too. I learned that my natural optimism and creative problem-solving is back (the bit of me that a friend calls ‘chicken costume’ when no matter how impossible something seems, I can always be relied on to think of something unusual but fab).

Most of all, I think the recent curved balls made me think again about what I really need and want, that different options have different benefits and the difference between reacting and responding. 2 months ago I’d planned to stay here until the end of the year because I wanted a drama/pain free patch to breathe. I was tired of mess and chaos and problems I couldn’t fix. The logic behind buying the old chapel when life threw that plan A in the air was/is sound...but the old chapel isn’t the only route to it and strangely maybe the L hiccup is forcing me back to a different version of plan A in a weird way. I need (and my mother and my business need) a period of calm predictable water. To be honest, I still have rubble to clear that I avoided (or just emotionally couldn’t) deal with for the last couple of years. But I can now and some choices are much clearer because I can see what I want next more clearly. And I want to start living again way more than I did, so that seems like some bits are healed - maybe more than I thought they were even.

So the next 5-6 weeks will be busy but all of the options I’ve come up with are do-able and I know I will be ok with any of them. Can’t remember the last time I felt that way.

And xh? No idea. No reply re his ring but don’t care really. Perhaps it’s like stillbaffled’s pole barn?? Past the stage of trying to guess if silence means 'meh' or rage or big thinky! But no response means no vote, so i/when I get to the time of deciding to sell it/donate it to a cat's home/something else, I won't ask again. If he doesn't like my solution, tough luck he's having!

Looking back what has mattered to me was fighting hard to ‘add no harm’ in that space between stimulus and response. Haven’t always succeeded, but I’ve tried damned hard and I feel good about that. It simply isn’t who I am to love someone for almost 2 decades and want to hurt them or damage their life. Protect myself when xh obviously sees it differently? Yes...but grace matters to me and I believe in it so if I can, that will always be my first choice as a human being no matter what anyone else does. My dear father used to say that when push comes to shove, what matters most is if you can look yourself in the eye without shame. Even if you fail. I think I have learned that Grace - towards myself & others - is perhaps my own defining red thread.

As I’ve been busy today, I’ve been thinking too about the perennial MLC or not debate that most of us struggle with. And that now it doesn’t matter so much to me. It did, it really did, because it was the only thing that explained the WTF stuff and the only way to stop me taking it so personally that it would damage something I couldn’t repair. Now? I honestly don’t know. I may never know. But over time the What and How just started to be more useful than the Why. Maybe some of that is because we have no kids so no need for ongoing contact, because my xh was mostly a silent vanisher, because I am done with a life under attack from things I just can’t have enough information about to comprehend.

What I think I do know, or can live with assuming, is that my h and m was pretty splendid for 18 years and that everyone who knew us well saw the man I saw and the relationship I lived in. I knew a bit more about the broken bits than others did, of course, but there were no red flags that could have led me to foresee this and nothing in my then h which was beyond the normal flawed human range! No patterns of abuse, or WTF crazy or repressed rage or deep unhappiness.

Now, I guess I think that most likely means one of three things were/are true.

Either my h needed to pretend to be the man we all saw consistently for years, did a great job to the point of believing it himself and then (for reasons I don’t know or understand) decided he really was someone quite different...and off he went to be the ‘real’ him as he is now. In which case, it was quite reasonable for all of us to like and believe in the man we experienced, reasonable for him to want to be who he really thinks he is and reasonable that none of us would choose to hang around with someone who is so different and no longer wants any of us in his life or values anything we shared or are.

Or he was pretty much who we saw but his broken bits were bigger and when life got tough, he broke and ran away to sea to find a new life/wife/friends full of rage and blaming others that his old life didn’t work well enough to fix him magically. In which case, it’s reasonable to wave him goodbye, miss the man we valued even if he didn’t, let him see if he gets 18 years out of the new fix or not but refuse to stand in the storm without returning the hand grenades to sender!

Or he just felt guilty because he fell in love with someone else and couldn't enjoy a new love unless he decided to see his first one as a horrific mistake to avoid feeling bad about it. In some ways, that's a simpler more normal solution and I'd have gone with that in the first 6-12 months if his behaviour hadn't got weirder and worse and so extreme as to be against his own best interests...particularly when as soon as he said he wanted a divorce, I really wasn't standing in his way but just trying to deal calmly with the practicalities and my own distress. I think in the end I have to trust my gut that - even if ow is indeed his soulmate and true perfect lurve - ending a 20 year relationship by ghosting your w even about the divorce you want and the level of just plain WTF drama isn't even close to a 'normal' albeit painful divorce.

I don’t know which one is more true...my gut instinct is that the second is more likely because others saw and felt what I did, because 18 years is a long time to fake a life with no slips, because the fruits of the old him were pretty healthy and the fruits of the new him not so much - for him too, even although I assume there must be happy good bits I simply can’t see from so far away.

I miss my h and our m, not all of our life as it was, but I do miss my beloved. Like I miss my parents. I was lucky to enjoy all of them for many years and I carry them with me. But  I don’t see their faces in my future now even if a big part of me is still shaped and connected to them. I suspect I’ll just have to live with the ‘I don’t know what mostly happened’ itch now and then, and the odd gulping moment of just wishing for more time with the people I loved and who loved and saw me for who I am.

So, life is moving and in that funny space between not good and not bad. A busy few weeks will see me move to the next phase and restore some calm and more small delights again. Less to react to, less WTF. Not much post-divorce admin left so no reason or desire to contact xh. In 6 weeks, he will not know my address, phone number or email. As I have said consistently to him, once we were divorced in the way he made it happen, the time for talking is done because it's pointless. And more than that, sad though it is to accept as reality, my starting place now given his past actions has to be that it isn't safe for me physically or mentally to talk to anyone who treats my feelings and life as irrelevant at best or whose behaviour looks like someone at worst who is content for me to be abused, threatened and lied to, even killed. I have no idea how anyone could reassure anyone else that they were a safe person to trust after that....and the reasons don't matter really, just that I did nothing as a person or wife to create it or earn it. Whatever drove the behaviour came from his head or his life or his values, not mine. Can't stop him believing it or acting that way, but I don't have to believe it, explain it or engage with it.

I will not be watching or waiting or wishing or reaching. A RL friend said it’s been like my h killed himself, left no suicide note...but kept popping up occasionally as an angry ghost with hand grenades! That’s pretty much how I feel. The ghost not only brings nothing good to my life, but he interferes with my nice memories and ability to tuck my dead husband away as a treasure just as I’ve finally been able to do with my father.  I’m not sure I ever would have chosen a life without my husband, but I’m looking forward to a life without the angry ghost.  ;)

I think my dad would be proud of where I've finally got to today. Bruised but not broken and not beaten. I'd like to think so anyway.
« Last Edit: June 10, 2018, 01:02:42 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online hopeandfaith

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #97 on: June 10, 2018, 05:07:41 PM »

I think my dad would be proud of where I've finally got to today. Bruised but not broken and not beaten. I'd like to think so anyway.

I think its safe to say he would be ;)
BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved out July 2017
D18, D16 and S14

Offline Anjae

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #98 on: June 10, 2018, 07:37:40 PM »
I think my dad would be proud of where I've finally got to today. Bruised but not broken and not beaten. I'd like to think so anyway.

Indeed he would.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline CallingHeart

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #99 on: June 10, 2018, 08:35:14 PM »
Agree with the others....  Your pop would be super proud.

I've often thought -  if I could just go back in time (or maybe I'm there without going back)...
      I'D be the ghost. I'D be the silent one. Enough would be enough for me.

Be the apple of his eye... (your dad).... that's a good place to be
Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born.

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #100 on: June 10, 2018, 08:41:13 PM »

Now, I guess I think that most likely means one of three things were/are true.

Either my h needed to pretend to be the man we all saw consistently for years, did a great job to the point of believing it himself and then (for reasons I don’t know or understand) decided he really was someone quite different...and off he went to be the ‘real’ him as he is now. In which case, it was quite reasonable for all of us to like and believe in the man we experienced, reasonable for him to want to be who he really thinks he is and reasonable that none of us would choose to hang around with someone who is so different and no longer wants any of us in his life or values anything we shared or are.

I vote no to choice A.  I don't think very many people can act that well.  And even if he could, why would be do it for so long?  Nope....this choice is out.

Or he was pretty much who we saw but his broken bits were bigger and when life got tough, he broke and ran away to sea to find a new life/wife/friends full of rage and blaming others that his old life didn’t work well enough to fix him magically. In which case, it’s reasonable to wave him goodbye, miss the man we valued even if he didn’t, let him see if he gets 18 years out of the new fix or not but refuse to stand in the storm without returning the hand grenades to sender!

Winner! Winner!  Right here folks!  Choice B gets all my votes.  For your MLCer, Treasur, as well as for mine too. 

Or he just felt guilty because he fell in love with someone else and couldn't enjoy a new love unless he decided to see his first one as a horrific mistake to avoid feeling bad about it. In some ways, that's a simpler more normal solution and I'd have gone with that in the first 6-12 months if his behaviour hadn't got weirder and worse and so extreme as to be against his own best interests...particularly when as soon as he said he wanted a divorce, I really wasn't standing in his way but just trying to deal calmly with the practicalities and my own distress. I think in the end I have to trust my gut that - even if ow is indeed his soulmate and true perfect lurve - ending a 20 year relationship by ghosting your w even about the divorce you want and the level of just plain WTF drama isn't even close to a 'normal' albeit painful divorce.

Nope - Choice C is too far out there.  If he really and truly fell in love with somebody else all the weird, extreme stuff wouldn't have happened.  He'd have divorced you and would be as happy as can be.  He doesn't seem very happy. 

I think my dad would be proud of where I've finally got to today. Bruised but not broken and not beaten. I'd like to think so anyway.

I'm going to think so for you as well, Treasur! 

After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline DianaDeBelflor

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #101 on: June 10, 2018, 08:42:01 PM »
Tomorrow is the anniversary of my Dad's death and C's 74th birthday, my lost friend and xh's enabling auntie.
I'm sorry... I know this can't be easy.

Quote
Seeing the L tomorrow morning to see if I can make the legal hiccup go away quick enough to still get the Old chapel. Suspect not, so that will leave me with 2 options - either see if I can rent it from the vendors for a few months, fix the L hiccup and buy it OR let the old chapel go, rent somewhere else while I fix the hiccup and then look again for somewhere to buy in 6 months or so.
Something tells me that you will figure out the most prudent thing to do. Good luck and keep us posted!

Quote
Then meeting my uncle to take flowers to my Dad's grave and go for lunch in his honour.
That sounds like a marvelous plan!!!

Quote
Learned a couple of things in last couple of days though. I’m much better at getting back up quicker than I was.
Treasur, but of course you are! You have lived through some of the worst things that anyone could imagine. And you've made it! Small hiccups can't phase you now, lady!

Quote
I’m better at asking for help (and in fact sharing on a local community website has thrown up 3 houses to rent...a beach house, a cottage in a nearby village where nothing usually comes up for rent and a house 3 streets away...all slightly less than I’m paying now, who knew?)
You know, when my husband first dropped the bomb back in 2017, I felt unlovable and ashamed. I felt that way again this year. Then I looked for support online and found you guys... and somehow that gave me the courage to talk to friends around me and it has been amazing! I feel alive and I feel supported. That is how I know that everything my husband said about me isn't true, because if it was, old friends and complete strangers would not be reaching out to me and offering help and support. I think this is true for you too, Treasur, why it was so hard to ask. I also suspect that you will be feeling quite happy soon.  :)

Quote
I learned that the uncertainty has really upped me desire to get rid of things and move forward to new.
I think that is probably the worst part of this whole ordeal for anyone who goes through it--the complete and total lack of control. Maybe it gets our priorities straight: whether the spouse comes back or not is actually secondary to establishing a sense of normalcy.

Quote
I learned that I do feel it’s time to leave this house with no regrets which has been a sanctuary but maybe a hiding place too.
You might actually be lucky to get a clean slate the way you did. I felt a complete sense of relief when when my husband deployed and I was home without him... until I realized that it is no longer my home. I am looking forward to my apartment because it will not be a place where I hide or a place that I need to run from. I can be me there. You too, I suspect, are moving on to better things.  :)

Quote
I learned that my natural optimism and creative problem-solving is back (the bit of me that a friend calls ‘chicken costume’ when no matter how impossible something seems, I can always be relied on to think of something unusual but fab).
Of course they are! You're a fighter.

Quote
Most of all, I think the recent curved balls made me think again about what I really need and want, that different options have different benefits and the difference between reacting and responding. 2 months ago I’d planned to stay here until the end of the year because I wanted a drama/pain free patch to breathe. I was tired of mess and chaos and problems I couldn’t fix. The logic behind buying the old chapel when life threw that plan A in the air was/is sound...but the old chapel isn’t the only route to it and strangely maybe the L hiccup is forcing me back to a different version of plan A in a weird way. I need (and my mother and my business need) a period of calm predictable water. To be honest, I still have rubble to clear that I avoided (or just emotionally couldn’t) deal with for the last couple of years. But I can now and some choices are much clearer because I can see what I want next more clearly. And I want to start living again way more than I did, so that seems like some bits are healed - maybe more than I thought they were even.
Build yourself a good new life and tell us all about it.

Quote
So the next 5-6 weeks will be busy but all of the options I’ve come up with are do-able and I know I will be ok with any of them. Can’t remember the last time I felt that way.
Congratulations!!! Busy is amazing!!!  ;D

Quote
And xh? No idea. No reply re his ring but don’t care really. Perhaps it’s like stillbaffled’s pole barn?? Past the stage of trying to guess if silence means 'meh' or rage or big thinky! But no response means no vote, so i/when I get to the time of deciding to sell it/donate it to a cat's home/something else, I won't ask again. If he doesn't like my solution, tough luck he's having!
Donate it!  8)

Quote
Looking back what has mattered to me was fighting hard to ‘add no harm’ in that space between stimulus and response. Haven’t always succeeded, but I’ve tried damned hard and I feel good about that. It simply isn’t who I am to love someone for almost 2 decades and want to hurt them or damage their life. Protect myself when xh obviously sees it differently? Yes...but grace matters to me and I believe in it so if I can, that will always be my first choice as a human being no matter what anyone else does. My dear father used to say that when push comes to shove, what matters most is if you can look yourself in the eye without shame. Even if you fail. I think I have learned that Grace - towards myself & others - is perhaps my own defining red thread.
Compassion for ex versus doing what is best for you is a fine line to walk. However, your ex no longer gets to be an authority on who you are as a person. I've read your responses both to me and to others here and I think you're right--grace is your defining red thread.

Quote
As I’ve been busy today, I’ve been thinking too about the perennial MLC or not debate that most of us struggle with. And that now it doesn’t matter so much to me. It did, it really did, because it was the only thing that explained the WTF stuff and the only way to stop me taking it so personally that it would damage something I couldn’t repair. Now? I honestly don’t know. I may never know. But over time the What and How just started to be more useful than the Why. Maybe some of that is because we have no kids so no need for ongoing contact, because my xh was mostly a silent vanisher, because I am done with a life under attack from things I just can’t have enough information about to comprehend.
I think at the end of the day it doesn't matter. Abnormal behavior is abnormal behavior.

Quote
What I think I do know, or can live with assuming, is that my h and m was pretty splendid for 18 years and that everyone who knew us well saw the man I saw and the relationship I lived in. I knew a bit more about the broken bits than others did, of course, but there were no red flags that could have led me to foresee this and nothing in my then h which was beyond the normal flawed human range! No patterns of abuse, or WTF crazy or repressed rage or deep unhappiness.
You do know it. He was normal. That's no longer the case. Never doubt your own sanity.

Quote
Now, I guess I think that most likely means one of three things were/are true.

Either my h needed to pretend to be the man we all saw consistently for years, did a great job to the point of believing it himself and then (for reasons I don’t know or understand) decided he really was someone quite different...and off he went to be the ‘real’ him as he is now. In which case, it was quite reasonable for all of us to like and believe in the man we experienced, reasonable for him to want to be who he really thinks he is and reasonable that none of us would choose to hang around with someone who is so different and no longer wants any of us in his life or values anything we shared or are.
No one pretends for 18 years.

Quote
Or he was pretty much who we saw but his broken bits were bigger and when life got tough, he broke and ran away to sea to find a new life/wife/friends full of rage and blaming others that his old life didn’t work well enough to fix him magically. In which case, it’s reasonable to wave him goodbye, miss the man we valued even if he didn’t, let him see if he gets 18 years out of the new fix or not but refuse to stand in the storm without returning the hand grenades to sender!
BINGO!

Quote
Or he just felt guilty because he fell in love with someone else and couldn't enjoy a new love unless he decided to see his first one as a horrific mistake to avoid feeling bad about it. In some ways, that's a simpler more normal solution and I'd have gone with that in the first 6-12 months if his behaviour hadn't got weirder and worse and so extreme as to be against his own best interests...particularly when as soon as he said he wanted a divorce, I really wasn't standing in his way but just trying to deal calmly with the practicalities and my own distress. I think in the end I have to trust my gut that - even if ow is indeed his soulmate and true perfect lurve - ending a 20 year relationship by ghosting your w even about the divorce you want and the level of just plain WTF drama isn't even close to a 'normal' albeit painful divorce.
You know, even if this was true, it's still pretty cray-cray. The need to feel that the first marriage was a horrific mistake cannot be fulfilled without the WTF drama. There is no way for something like this to be normal or simple.

Quote
I don’t know which one is more true...my gut instinct is that the second is more likely because others saw and felt what I did, because 18 years is a long time to fake a life with no slips, because the fruits of the old him were pretty healthy and the fruits of the new him not so much - for him too, even although I assume there must be happy good bits I simply can’t see from so far away.
The second one. You know it is. Don't doubt yourself.

Quote
I miss my h and our m, not all of our life as it was, but I do miss my beloved. Like I miss my parents. I was lucky to enjoy all of them for many years and I carry them with me. But  I don’t see their faces in my future now even if a big part of me is still shaped and connected to them. I suspect I’ll just have to live with the ‘I don’t know what mostly happened’ itch now and then, and the odd gulping moment of just wishing for more time with the people I loved and who loved and saw me for who I am.
You know, I suspect that in a year or two you'll meet another man and the memory of your ex will begin to fade and dim.

Quote
So, life is moving and in that funny space between not good and not bad. A busy few weeks will see me move to the next phase and restore some calm and more small delights again. Less to react to, less WTF. Not much post-divorce admin left so no reason or desire to contact xh. In 6 weeks, he will not know my address, phone number or email. As I have said consistently to him, once we were divorced in the way he made it happen, the time for talking is done because it's pointless. And more than that, sad though it is to accept as reality, my starting place now given his past actions has to be that it isn't safe for me physically or mentally to talk to anyone who treats my feelings and life as irrelevant at best or whose behaviour looks like someone at worst who is content for me to be abused, threatened and lied to, even killed. I have no idea how anyone could reassure anyone else that they were a safe person to trust after that....and the reasons don't matter really, just that I did nothing as a person or wife to create it or earn it. Whatever drove the behaviour came from his head or his life or his values, not mine. Can't stop him believing it or acting that way, but I don't have to believe it, explain it or engage with it.
You have no idea how happy it makes me to read it: you get a full clean break. I think considering the situation, this is the best outcome for you.

Quote
I will not be watching or waiting or wishing or reaching. A RL friend said it’s been like my h killed himself, left no suicide note...but kept popping up occasionally as an angry ghost with hand grenades! That’s pretty much how I feel. The ghost not only brings nothing good to my life, but he interferes with my nice memories and ability to tuck my dead husband away as a treasure just as I’ve finally been able to do with my father.  I’m not sure I ever would have chosen a life without my husband, but I’m looking forward to a life without the angry ghost.  ;)
That's kind of how I feel about my husband: the boy I loved is dead and the monster who's walking around wearing his meat suit is the one who killed him. He looks like him. He sounds like him. But he's not him.

Quote
I think my dad would be proud of where I've finally got to today. Bruised but not broken and not beaten. I'd like to think so anyway.
I think you're right--he'd be very, very, very proud.

Offline Onward

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #102 on: June 12, 2018, 09:35:45 PM »
Following along, Treasur.

I don't think I've commented on your thread before. Your story is like a mirror for me, and an inspiration.

Like DDB and Stillbaffled, I would also go with door #2. In a new world that makes no sense, it comes closest.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other. You're an inspiration as you keep moving forward to where you need to go.
"and though she be but little, she is fierce" - Shakespeare

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #103 on: June 13, 2018, 03:03:13 AM »
Your Dad would be super proud of you Treasur, there's no doubt.

Putting one foot in front of the other is all we can do. These guys didn't just commit suicide, they tried to destroy everything they were leaving behind.  They also didn't go to heaven where the grass was green and lush, they reside on a place of fire and darkness.

Your future will unfold as it should, we all just have to believe.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Kitty

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #104 on: June 13, 2018, 05:21:36 AM »
You are one tough cookie Treasur.

If I had lost as much as you had in such a short amount of time, then to deal with the MLC drama after, I think I might have ended things for myself, or possibly needed to be committed to a psych ward.

I know both your parents would be proud of the woman that you have become. Keep your chin up and your crown on Lady, and there won't be anything you can't handle.
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #105 on: June 13, 2018, 09:58:47 AM »
A suicide with no note indeed together with an eye witness who won't talk. Yep.  My vote is choice B for my H. 

I have no doubt you will end up exactly where you are supposed to be.   
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Online TreasurTopic starter

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #106 on: June 13, 2018, 09:59:07 AM »
Damn this is a hard week.
Legal problems mean I need to make tough decisions and probably let the old chapel go. It isn't an unsolvable problem but not one I can fix quick enough. And more than that, not one I think I have the emotional energy to fight right now.
So, homeless in 5 weeks unless I come up with a solution pronto which I will...but finances are a mess and still waiting for the financial order to be approved by the court so funds from our old house are held in escrow by the L.
And an anonymous note with a picture of ow on her hen weekend in Marrakech 5 days ago, so presumably xh is getting married in next couple of weeks. Or even this weekend maybe...less than 3 months after the divorce was final and while the financial stuff is still hanging. Must be true love that could not wait right and such a lovely public message about how unimportant your first marriage is/was? No wonder he didn't reply to my email about his first wedding ring...ironic timing by the universe there.

Just for a little while, just a few hours, I want to just cry about how bloody unfair this is, what a POS he is now and how much I hate her and him and how I feel like I've been erased...and I have...and then I'll get up and keep stumbling forwards. But today? It's just too hard. I'm so tired of hurting and fighting one struggle after another and I wish the universe (and my xh) could be just a tiny bit kinder... Today I don't wish him well at all.Today I wish, a little, that I could just go to sleep and not wake up and that I had never met him. But I will press on for, as we all know, emotions pass...but it hurts like a motherf*cker to think of him excitedly getting ready to say the same vows to someone else when he couldn't even be bothered to say goodbye to me after 18 years. (And I know some of you know what this feels like.)
« Last Edit: June 13, 2018, 10:06:44 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Thunder

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #107 on: June 13, 2018, 10:31:53 AM »
Treasur, I don't mean to ask this but what was the picture about that made you think they were getting married?  I was, as usual   ::), a little confused.

I'm sorry, if that is true.  He is actually going to marry and liar and a thief?  I see real long term happiness there.    :o
Good grief.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Online TreasurTopic starter

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #108 on: June 13, 2018, 10:45:01 AM »
yup - a quick social media dip shows my xh got married this weekend just gone, 2 days before my father's anniversary. a few photos posted by her best friend on instagram show:-
- he looks old and really fat, pompous but a big grin (wearing a loud checked 3-piece suit, cravat, goatee - to be honest not looking great and almost unrecognisable, doesn't look like the man I knew at all)
- new wife looks pretty but a bit tense (even the disordered can be pretty to be fair) but no sign of his family in the few pics at all, even in the background, just her friends and their bridesmaid selfies
- wedding was a civil one at country house not far from where his grandmother was born and it looks like quite a small wedding...rather different from both our wedding and our blessing (yes, we got married twice really LOL)....either because he's now Mr NoMates/NoFamily or because he's spent all his money on crap suits and pricy psychiatrists and she didn't get to top up her funds with the stolen proceeds of my watch!

So, my h is now married to someone else without even pausing to say sorry and presumably is on his honeymoon as we speak. Less than 2 months actually after his divorce was final. It would take a better woman than me to wish either of them any happiness at all...so I won't.

I really wanted to blast him for being a shoddy POS by email...to the point where I wrote it...and then deleted it. After all, what's the point? Someone else's husband, deed is done and he has not cared what I think or feel for over 2 years. So I won't. But it is hard not to shake my head and say 'How did this happen to me and my life?'
« Last Edit: June 13, 2018, 10:46:39 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online stillbaffled

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #109 on: June 13, 2018, 11:02:11 AM »

Just for a little while, just a few hours, I want to just cry about how bloody unfair this is, what a POS he is now and how much I hate her and him and how I feel like I've been erased...and I have...and then I'll get up and keep stumbling forwards. But today? It's just too hard. I'm so tired of hurting and fighting one struggle after another and I wish the universe (and my xh) could be just a tiny bit kinder... Today I don't wish him well at all.Today I wish, a little, that I could just go to sleep and not wake up and that I had never met him. But I will press on for, as we all know, emotions pass...but it hurts like a motherf*cker to think of him excitedly getting ready to say the same vows to someone else when he couldn't even be bothered to say goodbye to me after 18 years. (And I know some of you know what this feels like.)


Geez, I wish I had money, Treasur.  I would get on a fricking plane tomorrow morning and I'd sit with you and listen while you vented.  Then you could listen while I vented.  I so know what you're feeling.  And yes, it hurts like a motherf@cker.  I still think my MLCer is a POS so hopefully at some point in our lives we'll get beyond that feeling.

Yes, erased.  I just wrote that on my own thread yesterday.  They work very hard at erasing us and all we were.  They seem to be very successful at it. 

I am so sorry.  My heart hurts for you.   :'(
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Online stillbaffled

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #110 on: June 13, 2018, 11:08:37 AM »

So, my h is now married to someone else without even pausing to say sorry and presumably is on his honeymoon as we speak. Less than 2 months actually after his divorce was final. It would take a better woman than me to wish either of them any happiness at all...so I won't.

I really wanted to blast him for being a shoddy POS by email...to the point where I wrote it...and then deleted it. After all, what's the point? Someone else's husband, deed is done and he has not cared what I think or feel for over 2 years. So I won't. But it is hard not to shake my head and say 'How did this happen to me and my life?'


Crap.  I so get this, Treasur.  There aren't a lot of folks here who have the MLCers that race off to marry the OW.  We're in a league of our own with this and it's the blankety blank worst league I've ever been in in my life. 

Again, I just wrote on my thread yesterday that it would do me no good to say anything or ask anything to my MLCer because he doesn't give a crap about me and hasn't since BD of 1/1/16. 

I hope you have someone you can talk to.  If you need to vent feel free to PM me.  I'm in the house for several hours and I'll respond. 

I am so sorry.   :(
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline Rising Phoenix

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #111 on: June 13, 2018, 11:31:11 AM »
I’m so sorry treasur, he is a complete sh*t.

I asked my solicitor about finances if h married ow once divorced and she said that’s good as he no longer will have a claim on my assets but I would on his. Just a thought that could you possibly review the financials now?  Xx
Me 50
H50
Married 20yrs
Together 29yr
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Currently NC instigated by him as ow has balls in a vice!

Offline FearNot

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #112 on: June 13, 2018, 11:34:01 AM »
I am so sorry Treasur! I can't imagine how this must feel to you and I wish I had magic words to heal your hurt! Sending the biggest cyber hugs!
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #113 on: June 13, 2018, 11:35:37 AM »
I am so sorry Treasur. I am have no words that will bring you comfort but my heart hurts for you and my prayers are with you today as you deal with this new beginning and sad ending and sticky middle all at once. ((Hugs))   
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline mapippa

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #114 on: June 13, 2018, 11:52:56 AM »
Treasur, I am so truly devastated for you, there really are no words! The only thing I can possibly offer, is that you no longer live with the torment of will/if/when he may marry it! This pathetic marriage may be legal, but that's all it is, a piece of paper at the end of the day.  We are  all so much aware that this is not a true relationship to start with......... its all a matter of Time, before it all blows up, which it will, and you know that Treasur............. Much Love xxx

Offline Milly

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #115 on: June 13, 2018, 12:13:49 PM »
Oh, Treasur, I'm so, so sorry. What a terrible week you were having anyway without this. Another BD I guess. It's so unfair, and how did you get erased from his life so quickly? This is one of the things that hurts us all the most, the way they could be with us for so long and then want absolutely nothing to do with us, not care one tiny bit if we're doing ok.

But here your xH is just a couple of months from smashing his long marriage to smithereens, leaving you his ex wife destroyed, both of you struggling financially, him even worse, living on his old auntie's boat. So I guess if you're a MLCer the clear answer is to jump right into the next marriage, right away. I mean I know the old get back up on the horse thing and all, but how about stupid? I bet his family is totally bewildered. No break in between to get his head clear. There is a lot wrong with someone who behaves this way. I don't see what can be in it for him.

Regarding the old church, it might feel like a relief to just let it go. It's too complicated for you now. You have too many things to deal with. You never know, but the church might still be available when you're sorted. I lost out on the first house I looked at that I loved, had imagined my furniture everywhere and parties I would have. Now I try not to imagine my furniture in the houses until I know it's going to be mine.

It will require another load of strength, but you will find somewhere to live in time because you are TREASUR, and Treasur always comes up with solutions. I know, not fair, but you can do this. Just remember how you described your xH to us: bright checkered suit, goatee, fat, cravat, big smile? He looks like a man going through a MLC! Everyone can see that. Reminds me of the wedding photo of an old school friend of mine about 5 years ago when he married his second wife. I remember thinking he looked like the Penguin from Bat Man: big belly poking out of his striped tails, red cravat, striped bowler hat, his bride in a red wedding dress. They broke up a couple of years later. He's now with a 20 year old.  Of course I can't say for sure, but I sincerely believe that your ex will not stay with this lying thief.

Big hugs to you tonight.xxxxx
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D23, D20, S13
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Shocked

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #116 on: June 13, 2018, 12:41:19 PM »
Oh Treasur that’s very hard news!!!! I’m so sorry. In his diminished mental state of MLC there will be issues! I think them marrying quickly shows that they are still thinking a new R will solve all their problems. Initially, the honeymoon period, they will be on an adrenaline rush. This can not be sustainable. daily life with no new rushes will creep in. Keep detaching and keep putting one foot in front of the other every day. You deserve a good life. You are a treasure to all of us here at HS. We recognize crazy. Remember it is crazy and you deserve a good life despite his actions. I hope you find a joy that can give you some relief right now!!!! Big Hugs!!!🤗
I care🤗
H 51
W 58
M 22 Years
2 AD both married from my first M
BD 12/15 moved out-in replay, vanisher, MOW in Atlanta
D 2/17

Offline heroIam

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #117 on: June 13, 2018, 12:55:34 PM »
Sorry to hear this Treasur.
There really is no words.  Shaking my head is what i do now the more I read about these MLCers.
 Summon the good wolf, Treasur.
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Online Mae

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #118 on: June 13, 2018, 01:05:27 PM »
It hurts like a MF......stupid xMLCer. When you saw the pic Treasur.....did you see your H.....you didn't, you saw some weird stranger.

I struggle with not having closure too after a long and mostly wonderful marriage. I need somehow to make peace with saying goodbye in my own way.

I struggle with feeling though I have been completely erased from my H's life too, mine doesn't respond to the few and far texts I have sent.

I live with this dragging sense of sadness all the time and I wonder if it will ever go away.

That H you knew and loved is gone Treasur and has been for some time like mine.

But for now Treasur you do what you need to, to get through this, if this means staying in bed in a huddle so be it. Be angry, hate him if you wish, hate her too.......you will come through all the better for it and stronger.

Me: 50
H: 40
S19, D15
Together for 19 years
BDay in 2004, 2011 and now March 5 2017
Ran away on 5 March BD
No OW
Returned home 'underdone' 1 July 2017.
Left again 22 October 2017.
H - Silent and non-communicative
Me - Letting go and moving forward

Online TreasurTopic starter

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #119 on: June 13, 2018, 01:26:25 PM »
What a lovely speedy outpouring of love and support, dear HS friends. Thank you.
I'm strangely ok.
I did expect it if not quite so quickly so maybe it was already half-real to me.
It helped too that as Milly described it so accurately, he really did look like a fat penguin, belly bulge and all. Didn't look like my h and not very attractive at all. Shallow of me maybe but hey ho.
My emotions are a bit odd and mixed. My biggest is a sort of feeling of disgust and shaking my head at just how much more stupid is left in his Box of Stupid really. I checked and it is 6 weeks after his divorce was final....she is as delusional as him and I certainly would not have married a man in the shape he is now. Broke, fat, medicated, under psychiatric care, dishonest, unfaithful to his first set of vows who has done nothing to achieve respectful closure on a long marriage. And he is marrying someone who he knows is a thief and liar too, who is equally flexible about fidelity. Presumably both of them believe that their unique true love will get them through all those awkward facts...
However, got a kick up the arse from a vet's Pm rightly that his wedding says a lot about him and nothing about me, that I am not his/their victim and that's right.
Like all of us, I'm not sure I'll ever truly get how my decent h became such a crappy quality human being...but it's no longer my problem. He did and he is. I was a loving, faithful, honest wife who kept my promise to respect and treat him with kindness...he blew up our life, ran away from all his practical and emotional obligations and traded in his balls and integrity. That is now the unchangeable story of his life and he has lost his self respect and his own history....and me too which is a big loss. I may have lost my beloved and parts of my life I valued, but I didn't lose who I am.
And it is a prod to recognise that a small bit of me was still in denial about just how little he cares about me or his past, and that he really is no longer who he was.
And that no sane woman would want such a broken cowardly man in their life in any form at all.
And that sometimes the universe pushes you hard to clear out the last bits of things that you no longer need. Perhaps the toughest thing is to forgive myself for loving this particular man and what that cost me, and how to fit my own past together with this reality in a way that feels good.

Law Professor posted somewhere about love needing respect for her. My xh's speedy wedding may just have killed off the last dregs of respect I had held onto...and maybe I deserve to be freed from a good love that became something sick and toxic. And yup, right now for a few hours, I hope that karma will swing by his door eventually and deliver just what his treatment of me and everyone else who trusted him deserves...

It is a funny feeling though to know that my memories and opinion of 20 years must be so different to the person with whom I shared almost every moment of them. Just two completely opposite realities. I'm sure in time I'll be grateful that I haven't erased mine even if he has rewritten or erased his.

A small bemused wallow here and then tomorrow will be a me day.
« Last Edit: June 13, 2018, 01:43:21 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Thunder

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #120 on: June 13, 2018, 02:21:13 PM »
Treasur,

We are a whole big LBS Army out here.  When one of us is hurt it hurts us all, and we spring into action.
We all feel your pain and disappointment and just want to smother you with love and warm hugs.

All I have to say about him is, he obviously married this pond scum in a pretty bad depression.  I'm sure he thought it would help bring him out of it, but he will soon find out the depression is still there.  That farce of a marriage will not take that away.  It's just a matter of time.

Looks like your instincts were right.  They were planning on marrying, that's why he was so bent on the D to be finalized.  You knew.

I'm sorry he did this so soon.  You'd think they'd wait at least until the body was cold, but nope, all they thought about was themselves.
So chalk it up to 2 very dysfunctional people, finding each other.

The man she married is not your former H, Treasur.  That man no longer exists.  Only in your memory. 
What you had was real.  She will never know the real H.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline 1trouble

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #121 on: June 13, 2018, 02:30:47 PM »
Treasur

So sorry to read your update I know this must be very hard and maybe hasn't sunk in yet ...but stay with me when I say that in some ways it is actually a blessing that the FAKE wedding has actually now happened and its the beginning of the end......another quick 'fix' rather than look within............and although maybe you don't care about that............let me just say that this is just another disaster in a long line in your H's life and not yours

months ago your H was saying he was going to seek help and now he is got married.......its clear he is looking for quick fixes and external answers this wont end well for him.
BusyBee says (and I think she is absolutely right....................there is a dark period around the 2.5/3 year mark where they dont face themselves cut themselves off and "commit" to their new life and this is the last part of replay and the beginning of the end, certainly this seems to be the way in my story and it seems yours

You know when my H sudden;y disappeared after 2 months of constant contact at the beginning of the year, I really thought he had married the OW and so I checked the nutjob's fakebook page only to find the 'wedding' was actually end of July (actually on my late dads birthday - which hurts more than  a bit)
.....I cant tell you how I wished they had done it months ago as the waiting for that time to pass is worse so in some sick way you have been spared that....(in actual fact knowing what I know now I wished I hadn't delayed the divorce or done anything because it would all be over and they would be living a day to day existence .....two dysfunctional people with only their dyfunction in common and a history of using each other, deceit and running away............I would be in a better place and they would be even more miserable, if not over!!

I do check the OW's fakebook page every now and again and it is utterly nausating how someone who has been married at least twice and is nearly 50 can keep posting about going to the gym to get a wedding bod  ::) (if she has been the gym then I am a monkey's uncle) ......about having her wedding dress altered (to let it out I suppose!!)........
her "maid of honour" is someone she works with and she has only been there just over a year (so it shows she has no friends)....I could go on......

this isnt the wedding day you had with your H ........it isnt the one I had with mine.............this is all just an utterly sick 'freak show'...........a ridiculous nutty OW and a depressed vacant MLC'er.............you know where this is all going, as do I.....but you have been spared the run up ...........its happened so the end started this week for them

 
BUT your future starts now and you have a wonderful blank canvas to paint a beautiful MLC free life on and make it an absolute corker

you have a lot of processing to do, its absolutely key you  keep posting and let it all out, all the injustice.....because it is totally unjust on all of us.............so cry, scream, talk, whatever but know you can hold your head up high like we all can.....

take care and know you WILL be ok....more than ok..I know you will ...x
« Last Edit: June 13, 2018, 02:51:03 PM by 1trouble »
"I can't go back to yesterday I was a different person then"..............Alice in Wonderland

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Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #122 on: June 13, 2018, 04:58:35 PM »
So much wisdom on all these posts Treasur. I just want to throw out some huge hugs to you my friend. Even though we know the intellectual truth of the matter, it still hurts our hearts. But really we mourn someone who died along time ago. Your description of the pos man your xh is now is spot on. And only a person of low self worth and delusion could ever find that attractive. For the moment, they are the perfect couple—mirroring each other with the worst possible characteristics and utterly lacking in self respect, dignity and moral fortitude. They are a sad and pathetic lot. Nothing good will come ofbit and I strongly believe the karma bus is st the station loading up as we speak. But I’m sorry you had to find out in such a way.

I hope you find resolution for your housing situation ASAP too. I know you will. You are one strong amazing person!
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline Still Half full

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #123 on: June 13, 2018, 05:57:09 PM »
I'm so sorry, what everyone is saying is true, this is not the man you knew, it's a ridiculous relationship started in deceit, that's not what you had

It still hurts and it's another enormous blow, but you are strong, you understand that he's very damaged and lost to reality. You're firmly based in reality and dealing with everything, that takes incredible strength

Keep posting, the support we receive here is invaluable and your HS army are here for you

Thinking of you
At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H seeing OW again while living with his parents 5 minutes from me
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

Offline Anjae

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #124 on: June 13, 2018, 06:26:14 PM »
I'm so sorry, Treasur.

The others are right, that man is not the man that was your husband.

It does not make it any less hurtful, but it really is not the real him.

Take good care of yourself.

Big hugs.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline CallingHeart

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #125 on: June 13, 2018, 07:21:06 PM »
I was wondering why he had turned so d!ck-snot-bonkers on you!!!  So, now the reason is made clear. I believe a spouse has to completely "turn" on their LBS (like a rabid dog) in order for them to begin a shiny new farriage (fake marriage). I experienced it when my mother BD my father and remarried quickly. She really turned on him. He was shattered.

You are dealing with so much, emotionally, right now. Perhaps it's a blessing in disguise to have a delay with the chapel home. FWIW, you can come stay with me in Texas rather than be homeless, so please redirect the energy you're using in thinking you'll be on the streets.

I can't help but wonder who would send you the anonymous note.  I guess that's neither here nor there. But ... That is weird.   I agree with 1T that this is a beginning to the end of his farriage. It absolutely won't last as she clearly is a deranged thief, liar, and home wrecker. The wheels on the karma bus go round, round, round.... 

I hope you're doing ok, I'm sure this is another BD  :'(
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Offline xyzcf

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #126 on: June 13, 2018, 07:37:46 PM »
The things that they do are mean and heartless.

they are so superficial, unable to even give us the tiniest bit of respect for what once was.

Sure it would be painful perhaps to have a real conversation with us, but it would help us perhaps to separate ourselves from them.

I don't know.

I just know that it continues to hurt way long after it should...I am very very sorry treasur
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Online TreasurTopic starter

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #127 on: June 13, 2018, 10:18:57 PM »
Just checking in to let you all know I’m ok. I fell asleep quickly but suspect I had some angry dreams as I woke up feeling a bit emotionally wrung out LOL. Not sure what i’ll Do with myself today but nice things. Cold & rainy so not an allotment day.

I guess the why and the shoddiness of it all is infuriating to me. Not sure I agree that this isn’t the ‘real’ him actually. It is what he is now so real enough. I resent being treated so unfairly and I regret that my compound losses meant I couldn’t see the truth for a while. I suspect it’s pretty simple. My h decided that running away to a new life built on a new woman would fix his depression. No idea if he’s right or not. But what he didn’t do was treat me with the respect and grace I deserved. Partly because he only cared about himself, mostly I suspect because he is a coward who didn’t want the pain or effort involved in behaving decently. I suspect too that he ‘loved’ up to be what he thought I expected and affaires down to for the new life he wanted. Maybe that’s why i’ve not been very obsessed about the ow because she is so obviously not me and no prize.

There is such a lot of wisdom in your kind posts. Thank you. No, this sad fat weak angry creature is not the h I loved and enjoyed. And not a man I would enjoy or respect now. I’m ok flying solo, always have been, although I miss my family as it was. I’m grateful that he took most of his dysfunction far away. My struggle will probably be the process of being able to appreciate my long chapter with him knowing what he turned into, but i’ll Assume that time will do it’s work. I genuinely no longer care much what happens to him although I suppose naturally enough I don’t think he deserves a good life built on the pain he caused everyone who truly cared about him. But who knows what will happen to him. Rationally, his odds are poor and he is still under psychiatric care but as others have seen here, maybe this is his new happy and it will work out fine for the new him. The previous version would be horrified so if it osn’t the real him I guess he has some dark days coming. But he’s a stranger now and not mine to care about.

I was musing on hindsight and regret. Am I sorry I married him? I’m not sure. I should be given the end of the story and I obviously loved differently than he did. But there were years of deep joy and delight. And even knowing what I know now - even acknowledging the flaws in his character that I always knew, his passivity and lack of courage, I truly don’t believe I could have foreseen this. No one who knew him saw this coming.

So a gentle day of me-ness and maybe a small sense of relief too that as my h is now not only not my h but someone elses’s h, I am released from the residue of my old last bits of love too. He was a good friend and human being who truly brought a lot of joy - which is why so many of us didn’t want to give up on him - but now all of us have done including me. Tomorrow I am looking at new homes still by the sea and working in the morning, so all will be well.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #128 on: June 13, 2018, 10:42:11 PM »
So sad for the latest news of your H Treasur, I know he will never be happy unless he comes to the end of his crisis and makes amends for the things he's done, but unfortunately the damage is great and we have to live with pain as much as they do.

It does give you some freedom and unlike the MLCer, most LBS build their lives slowly and carefully with having done so much work on ourselves, we truly are better people.

Your future will be bright and in a few years you may even post an update telling us how glad you are your H is gone as you are so much happier with your new life. 

I hope the next few weeks are very kind to you Treasur, you deserve nothing less than happiness.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #129 on: June 14, 2018, 12:13:31 AM »
Quote from: Treasur
My h decided that running away to a new life built on a new woman would fix his depression. No idea if he’s right or not.

No idea? I disagree... You very well know that this is NOT going to "fix" his depression.... This just sets the timer/lights the fuse  on the time bomb of self-implosion....

Treasur, the veteran that PM'd you had it 100% right... Think about it.....  If it really had something to do with you, would WatchGate EVER have happened? Would the Bug in the Edgar Suit have gone off and gotten hitched to Bat-Snot-Bonkers if it was about YOU? I mean, seriously, if it was about YOU, he would have gone off and found himself a decent, kind, caring, and loving person who treated him with compassion and kindness and respect to be with after he healed...

Oh!  Wait!  HE ALREADY HAD THAT AND TOSSED IT OVER THE BLOODY CLIFF!!!!! WHO, in Gods Green Earth, in their right mind, does THAT kind of cray-cray stuff?

And we won't even go into what HER mental state must be.... All I can think of is that OW must be able to suck a golf ball through a garden hose or something so that xH "feels" some sort of "attachment" to that...

I can just see the conversation that is being held by xH's former friends/family



And to HER family?



And who sends an "anonymous" note about stuff like that anyway?

{{{{{{{{BEAR HUG}}}}}}}}

Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

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Online TreasurTopic starter

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #130 on: June 14, 2018, 04:28:39 AM »

Do you know there is a bit of me that can’t quite believe he did it? Which is stupid but I think the real disadvantage of a vanisher is that you see less of the new insane version so the old one lives in your head for longer maybe? My prediction is she’ll get pregnant soon and both of them will blame his massive cc debt of 100k plus on me and restrained resources for happy...but it feels good that she just stupidly chose to legally marry his debt and depression. Not my circus. Sad waste of a good marriage and chap but not even a circus I bought a ticket for! I expect to never hear from xh so not sure it matttets to me if his fix works or not. We all suspect not, of course, but I guess the avoidance and a clean slate life must work well enough for some. Really I guess it’s a straight choice between clean slate avoidance vs honest effort/courage...much easier to run unless life gets unbearable. Having said that I suspect it wouldn’t take much and his chances of a second divorce in next 3-6 are pretty good and ow will bring the psycho so that won’t be much fun. But i’m Sure he is happy in his new sandpit forms while yet!

Just took L advice from a friend of a friend on my mother’s affairs. Nice chap, bat$h!te crazy alcoholic stbx wife, three kids though so he knows what it is like to survive this stuff. The advice was useful - he deals with the court of protection in his job - and we both agreed how hard it is to keep your big decision hat straight when an insane spouse blows up your family. Many of his stories pretty similar to ours and an expensive divorce with drama, violence and non-molestation orders. We both agreed that you could not make this stuff up and how nice it was to talk to folks who get it.

My decision and plans here...I can fix the L thing but not quickly so it is wiser to let the old chapel plan A go. I’m sad for that, but trust that it just isn’t the right time and the last thing I need is more legal pressure. I’m looking at some houses to rent tomorrow, have a favourite and I’m going to see if I can rent it for 12 months to create a year of some predictability. I’ll revisit plan A and see if it still makes sense but it depends on how my mother is too. Meanwhile, lots of clearing and dealing with avoided old stuff to make way for the next phase. Let’s call it Treasur’s Trip....what I want to do now is build a normal life again, something clean and simple and calm, work I enjoy and stable finances with some nice new people in it. I’ll check in every so often and let you know how I’m doing. X
Sent
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online hopeandfaith

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #131 on: June 14, 2018, 04:49:04 AM »
Good lord.  Well is totally sucked to catch up on your week so it must have totally sucked to live it.  Clearly my little request that the universe gives you a break didn't work....or did it?  Those last little bits of whatever that you had to get rid of to free you for your next chapter may end up being a gift.  Mind you, you would have got there in the end anyway.

Good luck with the rental hunting and the all round recalibrating.
BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved out July 2017
D18, D16 and S14

Offline Mitzpah

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #132 on: June 14, 2018, 04:59:13 AM »
I am a bit late coming to this, just wanted to let you know that I agree with people on here.

This is just a quick fix to see if he can right his life... Don't think it will work smh...

I am sorry for the pain it causes you, however, I know you will pick yourself up and be even stronger because of this. We are the strong ones and we can find our way forward.

I hope today is a good day and some of those decisions will make way for the plans for a good life ahead!

((((Hugs))))

p.s.: stay by the sea  ;)
M 56
H 56
S 26
S 24
D 23
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline Thunder

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #133 on: June 14, 2018, 07:06:03 AM »
I like that, create a simple, normal, uncomplicated life! 

I will be following Treasur's Trip.   :)
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Online TreasurTopic starter

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #134 on: June 14, 2018, 07:07:26 AM »
Just finished making the calls to my L, agent and surveyor to withdraw from buying the old chapel. Quite reassuring when my new L asked about how things are generally and gasped with shock at news of xh’s speedy marriage. Just comforting to know that normal people know this stuff isn’t normal at all!
As H&f says, a sucky week.
Will let you know if I find a new house tomorrow and yes, still by the sea, Mitz!
« Last Edit: June 14, 2018, 07:08:49 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online TreasurTopic starter

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #135 on: June 14, 2018, 07:13:38 AM »
PS Does 6 weeks post-divorce win me the speediest MLC bonkers remarriage prize? If so, do I get a sticker?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Thunder

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #136 on: June 14, 2018, 07:35:21 AM »
Not sure but you may be placed in the Guiness World Record book.   :)
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Online TreasurTopic starter

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #137 on: June 14, 2018, 09:16:57 AM »
Do you know, having sat with this knowledge for a day (and happily resisted the desire to send an I know and you’re an idiotic POS email to xh as it’s like communicating with a ham sandwich)...I think my biggest feeling is numb shock. It is almost too wtf to feel upset about or maybe I’ve just finally run out of big emotions. It’s like one last parting gift of Wtf insanity from the Angry Ghost. He’s just married someone who even in the D process he rarely admitted existed, denied he was in a R saying ‘it’s not what you think’ and never used her name or referred to her by role eg girlfriend even once. (I call her watchgirl post-watchgate Lol). If it is a normal bit of happy moving on, who does this?

One more bit of beyond stupid...but it says nothing about my worth, just that he is still a hot stupid mess. Normal healthy people at peace with their choices don’t do this unless they are spectacularly stupid or under some kind of external time pressure. Madness. Even without MLC, apparently 67% of second marriages don’t make 5 years. Closer to 80% if people remarry less than four YEARS out, let alone 6 weeks LOL. Just too WTF crazy train for me.

Any bets on mid 30s watchgirl going for pregnancy before the year is out?  :D
« Last Edit: June 14, 2018, 09:37:03 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #138 on: June 14, 2018, 12:12:28 PM »
Wow.  He is clearly insane.  What a farce.

I know that you need to step away and have total closure, but I hope that you at least hear of the demise of this fake marriage so that you can share with the rest of us. 

And since I'm all about the GIF's today:

M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10203.msg671589#msg671589

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"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Online stillbaffled

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #139 on: June 14, 2018, 02:54:04 PM »





That is hilarious, FW!  Thanks for that!   ;D
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Online Nerissa

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #140 on: June 14, 2018, 03:59:24 PM »
I’m also so sorry for your hurt.  It is hard to imagine that the marriage will be content but still so painful to confront the reality, however dysfunctional.  my H has just announced that our separation for space has ended and he is going back to his 20 years younger ow so I feel a similar kind of pain.  I admire he work you have done to build your life and the way you write so honestly.  Like everyone else, I wonder why on earth he might give you up and wish you the happiness that will surely return one day.


Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #141 on: June 14, 2018, 04:25:21 PM »
You are right about getting to a point where no matter what they do, it doesn't have the same punch as it used to.  They do such stupid things, they actually should be made to have a psychiatric assessment prior to marrying.

In another month, the thought of what he has done will just make you shrug your shoulders and put the experience in the crazy basket with all the other stuff he's done.

We do focus on all the big stuff they do - getting the ow, divorcing us and marrying a fool, but in the end none of it makes any difference because they are not happy, still in MLC and still in love with us - even if the feelings have been shoved down a long way.

Take time out to do something nice for you.  The only thing that will come from the 'marriage' is a big financial settlement when they divorce.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Online TreasurTopic starter

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #142 on: June 15, 2018, 12:03:33 AM »
Early thoughts before a busy day

I’ve been musing on what hurt so much and why, and what I valued that I lost...and if I still value the same things. All in the context that what’s done is done and recent events have pushed me to a different place. It is beginning to feel like a post-something place which is good.

I think I got hurt so deeply because I couldn’t or didn’t want to - or both - accept what was real. On all fronts. I wanted to freeze and wait for something outside to make it better, for something to change or for me to find my own magic fix. I added a lot of mess and self-inflicted pain by doing that and lost time I can’t retrieve.

I wonder if some of it was just arrogance, that i saw myself as a lucky optimistic person who was loved and happy and I just wouldn’t accept that what was happening was actually happening to ME. And let’s face it, it has been $h!te but my life didn’t come with an All Will Be Well guarantee anymore than anyone elses life. I’m fab but not that fab! It was as if my brain just would not ‘get’ it in a real way...how practically and financially vulnerable I was, that my h didn’t care about me at all whatever the reason, that my life was a mess  and that nobody was going to fix that but me, that there was no repair or return possible, that events had ended my old life absolutely. I could accept that my father was dead, accept that my mother had dementia and had left me holding the legal grenade, even that my h no longer loved me as he had; these things were SO obvious that I’d have to have been an idiot to not see those facts. But I think it took me probably almost 2 years to really accept two harsh realities - that i had made myself more unsafe by avoiding what these facts really meant for my future, and that my h did not care about me even as a fellow human and was willing to hurt me to get what he wanted. I was like ‘whrrr, grind, does not compute’.

Trying to understand why was part of mental survival, an understandable human reaction but now I see it was also a desire to feel some control. If I could understand it, somehow that would help me make it better. False control though. I’d have done better to focus on reality quicker. Not beating myself up, did my best, but I see things differently now. If I had been able to say to myself say after 3 months something simple like....your Old life is gone, your family is gone and your h has left you because you no longer matter to him at all.so what are you going to do now?...I would have suffered less. But it took emotional courage I simply didn’t have then.

And what I valued? I really valued having people I trusted and who liked being with me, simple love that I didn’t question, love with a long strong history. I valued feeling safe and supported and not alone, part of a team. I valued being able to be closely involved in the thoughts and lives of others and being able to show love to them. I valued sharing past memories and future plans that I thought I could control. I valued a clean simple foundation to my life, a life that made sense and was calm and happy mostly. I was proud of these things, that I had a strong base, maybe too proud. I had never in over 50 years had a time when both me and my life unravelled so comprehensively.

So why does this all matter now as I can’t go back and redo it? Well, partly with a disappearing h, my MLC contribution is limited so I’ve hoped that my LBS solo thoughts have helped others. Mostly because I think my denial caused me more pain for longer and I want to learn from that. What does that mean? I have to value what I’ve lost less, I think, because it keeps me stuck when I do and pulls me into feeling (and maybe acting) like a victim. I need to accept that my not understanding doesn’t change external events and realities. I need to cry and think less and fight for myself more, particularly at the residue left over from this experience.

Different for all of us probably but my residue is an underpinning of FEAR. A non-specific sense of not being safe and not being strong enough to make myself safer. Paperwork frightens me. Simple tasks make me feel daunted even now. Big decisions make me feel overwhelmed and self-doubting. And I hang on to totems of my past because I don’t know what to do with my memories now that the person who shared them became someone to whom they - and me - are irrelevant, yet they are also part of my life path to here and to next. And I think, honestly, I feel deeply ashamed of being so obviously rejected, humiliated by my helplessness, numbed by being hated and threatened, and ashamed of letting myself freeze for so long. I need to repair my confidence in being the mistress of my own life and fight the fears one by one until they are behind me. And figure out different versions to have some of those things I value - a clean life on a strong loving foundation - as well as accepting that not all of it is recreatable because I can’t retrieve what is gone or unknow what I know now. I do still, happily if with dents, value me and think I can have and do better than the last couple of years and that’s not to be sneezed at as a blessing.

Treasur’s Trip feels like it needs to be 60% Present, 30% Future and 10% Past. (My first post-BD year was probably 10/0/90. My second was maybe 30/10/60)

Jobs for today:
Present: dinner and a concert with a friend this evening, an hour on the allotment, calling another frd who is having a tough time
Future: finding my next house, making a moving ‘to do’ list and a plan for next week, coaching work with a client
Past: posting here maybe, chasing my L on the financial order, clearing some stuff for charity shop

And I think i’ll start a new ‘Treasur’s Trip’ thread next time I post!
« Last Edit: June 15, 2018, 12:15:36 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #143 on: June 15, 2018, 05:16:35 AM »
Quote from: Treasur
If I had been able to say to myself say after 3 months something simple like....your Old life is gone, your family is gone and your h has left you because you no longer matter to him at all.so what are you going to do now?...I would have suffered less. But it took emotional courage I simply didn’t have then.

Treasur, I love you dearly but you are getting a velvet-covered 2x4 from me here...

Seriously? 3 months to discard 16+ YEARS? The only people that can pull that kind of Hoodini Disappearing act are Mid-Lifers.  It took the time it took because it is time that you needed. One can simply not turn off those feelings, those memories like a switch unless there is something DEEPLY disturbed in that person...

I understand what you are getting at here, I really do but it takes TIME and it takes the time it takes to process this whole thing. Saying that one lacks the emotional courage to just shut off (read "stuff them into a little box")  one's feelings is the epitome of self-flagellation. The time it took was time that you needed, no more, no less....

Quote from: Treasur
What does that mean? I have to value what I’ve lost less, I think, because it keeps me stuck when I do and pulls me into feeling (and maybe acting) like a victim. I need to accept that my not understanding doesn’t change external events and realities. I need to cry and think less and fight for myself more, particularly at the residue left over from this experience.
and
Quote from: Treasur
I really valued having people I trusted and who liked being with me, simple love that I didn’t question, love with a long strong history. I valued feeling safe and supported and not alone, part of a team. I valued being able to be closely involved in the thoughts and lives of others and being able to show love to them. I valued sharing past memories and future plans that I thought I could control. I valued a clean simple foundation to my life, a life that made sense and was calm and happy mostly.

PLEASE tell me you are NOT serious  here.... Read the stuff in BOLD again and tell me that these things are not worth valuing....

And, unless you are prepositioning yourself for your own MLC, you need to cry and think and process the events as much as you need to .... If that is more than you think at times, fine but no one can say that there is a certain amount of "time" that is a limit. That is like saying that, after someone dies, 365 days, 22 hours, 15 minutes and 32 seconds after they are interred, you should cease to grieve... What kind of absolute male bovine excrement is that?

You are a VERY strong person, despite your own misgivings. You have done what you needed to do to get off your butt and out of your pity party (that we all have - that time when we are dazed, confused, and shell-shocked) and move on with your life. You have overcome death threats from Bat-Snot-Crazy, you have triumphed over WatchGate, your xH's occasional peek out of the tunnel and you are on your way to building a better life for yourself, regardless of the circumstances... you are rolling with the punches, figuring out alternate plans and ways to get from the here and now to the future that you are defining....

OK, you are adjusting your view looking forward, that is fine. We always have to do that as life IS what happens while we are busy making plans for our future.....

Quote from: Treasur
I need to repair my confidence in being the mistress of my own life and fight the fears one by one until they are behind me. And figure out different versions to have some of those things I value - a clean life on a strong loving foundation - as well as accepting that not all of it is recreatable because I can’t retrieve what is gone or unknow what I know now. I do still, happily if with dents, value me and think I can have and do better than the last couple of years and that’s not to be sneezed at as a blessing.

YES..... Just because your xH went off the rails and was no longer able to value the things that you did (or you for that matter) it does NOT mean that those things are wrong to value....
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

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Offline Anjae

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #144 on: June 15, 2018, 05:54:53 AM »
Second Ursa's 2 x 4.

You are wanting a time frame for things that have no time frame. It takes what it takes, makes no sense to rush it.

3 months for 16 years... not even in a normal, non-MLC divorce(break up things happen that way. Add MLC, and it will take much more time.

Maybe you should just allow yourself to feel whatever you feel, rather than intelectualize  it all. 

Focussing on the present is fine. And take it one day at a time.

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Whyus

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #145 on: June 15, 2018, 06:13:17 AM »
I am so sorry that you  are going through this T! I really am and to find out through Fakebook  :o.

I third UMs 2x4 but where does the 3 months for 16 years come from? Ok, its been 3 months since the D was final, I get that but BD was Oct 2016. That was nearly 2 years, still not a Long time but please dont tell me that the healing clock resets itself after a D. Shouldnt it be 2 years for 16 years? Still hard, it would be hard to swallow after 5 years but not as hard as 3 months after BD.
That is not what I Need to hear right now as im waiting for a date for Ws D, the German System is slooooooooow, god help those who has small Kids and finances to split! We only have our pensions to slog out.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 44
W: 44
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28. Trainings partner. Still together
2 Sons - 18 & 19
2 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Filed
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0
T10. http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9547.0

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #146 on: June 15, 2018, 06:53:25 AM »
Just sending you some love Treasur!  I think you are doing great!  And I love UM's comments.  xoxo
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Collaborative Divorce in process (to protect myself)
I don't think I'm standing, but who knows what the future brings.
Two Teenage boys
Me: 55
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline CallingHeart

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #147 on: June 15, 2018, 09:32:55 AM »
Precious Treasur, for someone who has been dealt with yet another blow,  I can certainly understand where you are coming from.  With that said, I do agree with the velvet 2x4.   

I remember the exact moment that moved me from the arrogance you describe (I've had so much, and I took it for granted) to a place of humility (clinging by my fingernails to forgiveness and grace).   I was told by a priest perhaps 4 or 5 days after BD “You cannot control this!  For THIS you are out of control!  Do you hear me?” (GEEEEEZ Father J, I was just giving my confession).  I don’t know why he said that… But when he did, I knew it as soon as he asked me the question, I had to answer “Yes” and will never forget that moment.     Of course…detaching was another story, but remaining attached hinged on control, so I had to continually remind myself of the priest's adamancy.  Detaching and letting go of control would become an ongoing process, probably to this day…

At some point in the fallout I promised myself subconsciously that I wouldn’t let the actions of my hwow and the fallout of BD (MLC or not) change me or my fundamental core values.   After the fleeting thought of suicide dissipated, I knew BD wouldn’t destroy me, but I also didn’t want BD to change me. Affect me? Yes. Change me? No.  I knew I couldn’t allow myself to become bitter.  Almost 3 years have gone by, and I know I have to wake up every morning of every day and forgive him.   I know I have to forgive CallingHeart too, and maybe at some levels that is still an ongoing process that drives me to hopefully be a better person. 
 
I want to encourage you to hold on to your own values and not let those good standards you always held lovingly become part of the carnage of what your spouse did.  It’s all about truly moving out of the way of the destruction.   Sure, we could have all done things different. 2 years, 6 months, 3 months?  Maybe we could have been “teflon coated” and not affected by BD1,2,3 at ALL.  After all, why not 3 days? bam! I'm "over it".  In the end, there is no right or wrong period of time to grieve such a deep loss. I will grieve this loss for the rest of my life, but it won't change my values.

I will say that in all of this chaos and in all of my reading and considering everyone and all the different situations on this HS forum, including yours, I’ve learned how much I value TIME.   It’s truly a gift!  I don’t think I would have seen or experienced the message of time being a gift outside of this experience. And now I know how precious of a commodity it is, and what a gift from God it is.  That elusive time… what is it really? but a healing balm.
Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born.

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Online stillbaffled

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #148 on: June 15, 2018, 09:48:10 AM »

At some point in the fallout I promised myself subconsciously that I wouldn’t let the actions of my hwow and the fallout of BD (MLC or not) change me or my fundamental core values.   After the fleeting thought of suicide dissipated, I knew BD wouldn’t destroy me, but I also didn’t want BD to change me. Affect me? Yes. Change me? No.  I knew I couldn’t allow myself to become bitter.  Almost 3 years have gone by, and I know I have to wake up every morning of every day and forgive him.   I know I have to forgive CallingHeart too, and maybe at some levels that is still an ongoing process that drives me to hopefully be a better person. 
 
I want to encourage you to hold on to your own values and not let those good standards you always held lovingly become part of the carnage of what your spouse did.  It’s all about truly moving out of the way of the destruction.   Sure, we could have all done things different. 2 years, 6 months, 3 months?  Maybe we could have been “teflon coated” and not affected by BD1,2,3 at ALL.  After all, why not 3 days? bam! I'm "over it".  In the end, there is no right or wrong period of time to grieve such a deep loss. I will grieve this loss for the rest of my life, but it won't change my values.


CH - so very true.  I couldn't have expressed it as well as you did. 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Online Nerissa

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #149 on: June 15, 2018, 01:38:10 PM »
 I am another one who simply wouldn’t (maybe still won’t) let go of the idea that things would come good in the end.  The alternative seemed to be annihilation and who wants that?  I’ve struggled hard to accept the pain instead of pushing away with vain hope.

There are two excerpts which explain vividly the pain of betrayal.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=0mWjN-okaNY

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=GWxZ8_E4SbA

 

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