Author Topic: My Story More Good Wolf for a Good Life...  (Read 2763 times)

Offline Dumbfounded

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My Story Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #20 on: May 22, 2018, 06:56:53 PM »
Finally caught up.

I love your letter. Isn’t that what we all want really? To be told be someone... anyone that we matter. That our company and our time mattered. That we have been a good friend and a treasure. That our time on earth meant something to someone. I don’t know if she is in a place to accept or believe your words right now but maybe someday she will be.

I am in the same space as you on the dating issue. I barely have the energy to figure out the end of my last relationship. Trying to figure out the beginning of a new relationship seems too overwhelming. I still have LB’s stuff here. I don’t want to replace it with someone else’s stuff anytime soon. And yes.. there seem to be a lot of toads out there but Diana has brought up an intriguing suggestion.

I need to get caught up on your allotment!! I have just killed my little pot of basil.  :(
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #21 on: May 22, 2018, 07:19:54 PM »
Your description of your soon-to-be Chapel by the sea sounds lovely.  Happy to be attaching to the next installment.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10203.msg671589#msg671589

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Online TreasurTopic starter

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #22 on: May 22, 2018, 11:20:41 PM »
Walking thoughts this morning.
I think, on reflection, there is an LBS 'fog'. Why? Because I feel like I've woken up on the other side of it and feel a new clarity and energy that I didn't have even a few months ago. There are still difficult things to be done and my life is far from as I want it to be. I still have moments of disbelief over what has happened and moments of sorrow, but I don't feel like a helpless victim of events now. I feel like I have choices and that, while the future is unknown and not at all what I hoped for, there is one worth fighting for. That I am worth fighting for and having faith in regardless of what has happened. It took me a very long time to get here - shock, grief, confusion, exhaustion and powerlessness over so much that was rewriting my life all fed the fog - but, even if it isn't quite as I want, I know where I am now and I am moving forward from it all into a fog-free next phase. But it's funny...I don't think I knew quite how thick or crazy my own fog was until I recently felt that I'd come out of it blinking! Does that make sense?

And I've been musing on my own behaviour too and my own (often feeble) attempts to control things/XH even when I said I was letting go. XH - for reasons unknown and unimportant - has gone back to non-communication. This makes dealing with the last bits of untangling 20 years a bit harder but not impossible...but I've been pushing him on it. Why? Because a bit of me still wants him to be a decent adult...but mostly, if I'm honest, because a bit of me wants to push his nose into reality and irritate him. Hmmm, not such a nice bit of my character and not very productive either. It's less about wanting/expecting him to do anything really, much more about my emotional need for control. A sort of 'nah, nah, look at how rational I'm being while you're still being s$it'.

Of course, if it is about something big, important and legal, that's different...but I'm talking about pressing him on little things like copies of closing joint account bills that I can get in other ways and that are no real risk to me, just admin tidiness. A bit of me is fighting XH still because I was too hurt and battered to fight earlier on perhaps...but it doesn't serve me, really it doesn't, and it is at odds with my own priorities now. Bit uncomfortable to admit actually, but true anyway, that part of me wants some kind of fake control and to be a burr under his skin because I feel like he's 'gotten away' lightly while I've ben devastated.

So, my decision today - because once you see things about your own behaviour, you can't unsee them can you? - is to stop. To accept that it is a sort-of passive-aggressive expression of outrage and anger that hasn't come out while my head has been pushing me to take the high road. Understandable...but not what I need now. I don't like that bit of me, it's a bit toxic and self-fullfillingly destructive I think. So I will stop chasing him, find other ways to get the simple confirmations I need and press on towards newer, happier things to invest my energy in.  :) It really is easier to just accept that XH will avoid these small obligations as he so comprehensively ignored all the big ones for over 2 years! Idiotic to think otherwise or waste my energy on such unimportant things, relatively speaking... Never could control any of his actions post-BD, not worth trying to now when everything I was trying to protect has been destroyed anyway...and if it is a bit of MLC FU control from him, disconnecting from it completely is a win.

As UM said, redemptive love has great power for all of us but as a human, we have our limits and redemptive love probably needs to start at home first. I can choose to show grace to both C and XH because I loved them so much, but my life got trashed by events and others' actions and I need to redeem my own life first right?

Work this morning. Allotment this afternoon. Busy week, clearing and packing in the evenings. Uncle coming for the weekend as there is a local free fete on Saturday with music, stalls and a hog roast. He is 1.5lbs away from his target weight loss of 6 stone, which is remarkable, so I think he feels like a hog roast and a couple of beers are allowed!
« Last Edit: May 22, 2018, 11:26:13 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #23 on: May 23, 2018, 01:24:37 AM »
Quote from: Treasur
As UM said, redemptive love has great power for all of us but as a human, we have our limits and redemptive love probably needs to start at home first. I can choose to show grace to both C and XH because I loved them so much, but my life got trashed by events and others' actions and I need to redeem my own life first right?

OK, I am seriously blushing....

This was a bit of a paraphrase and further thinking on the main theme that Bishop Michael preached on at Harry and Meghan's wedding but it fits, doesn't it? How can we go forth in the power of redeeming and redemptive love if we do not love ourselves as well? Are we not the vessel of the redemptive love we are trying to send forth? If our own vessel is empty, in other words if we do not believe in redemptive love for ourselves, how can we send that light into our part of the world?
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online TreasurTopic starter

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #24 on: May 23, 2018, 02:04:45 AM »
Amen to that, UM...sometimes so hard to do when we feel overwhelmed and rejected by those who used to love us so much, when it feels as if we don't matter in the world as we used to.

On a practical tidying/saving note, I'm changing my phone soon and had text messages from my father and my beloved that I wanted to save (at least virtually). Great app called TouchCopy, very easy to use, lets you retrieve them from your phone and save as pdf files on your computer.

Can't read them right now but I might want to later. Just seeing the first text from my HaW 'Home soon. No special prefs re supper. All I require is you  ;) xxx' There is truth in them but it will hurt to look right now, not the right time, but I trust some day it might feel right so I didn't want to lose them just in case. I miss that chap so much, it was a lot of fun our M.
« Last Edit: May 23, 2018, 02:41:23 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #25 on: May 23, 2018, 08:09:56 AM »
What a great post Treasur. I definitely believe in that fog. I think I am still in it just a but, but poking out of it now.

Your admission on "poking the bear" just for the sake of getting even per se, hit home for me. I often catch myself having imaginary conversations with H really letting him have it. As if I am the sole judge and juror in what he has done. And as if I too am blameless. But I will also, as you say, do things to just irritate him. Just b/c I am annoyed that I have to take on all of the responsibilities of our "old" life, which includes raising our son and the day to day requirements for that. But you make such a good point. It really doesn't serve us to continue to do those things.  And, in my case anyway, it only fuels the fire.

I am enjoying your journey of self discovery and learning so much about myself along the way. Thank you for sharing.
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Online TreasurTopic starter

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #26 on: May 25, 2018, 12:18:56 AM »
Well, the Bad Wolf grabbed me a couple of days ago and I had one of the hardest days since BD. One of those days when you get what you need perhaps but not what you want. One of those days when a combination of your own chickens coming home to roost, reality and a couple of hours when it feels like the universe just hates you. I was overwhelmed by it. I cycled through all the worst emotions since BD in about 12 hours; despair, fear, helplessness, sorrow, self-doubt, feeling like a victim, the kind of pain that makes you throw up, the kind of sharp grief that makes you want to give up and die so the pain will stop.

After 2.5 years plus FFS.

What happened? A problem with my car. A notice to quit from my landlord giving me 2 months to buy the new house or face homelessness. A really cold email from XH responding to my prods to him last week about practicalities but announcing he would only respond to emails about the financial order, wanted none of the 'things' that had been important to him a few months ago, saw our marriage as a horrible mistake and was looking forward to the day when he would never hear my name again. A couple of financial crises entirely created by the fact that, for about a year, I barely dealt with any mail at all, just let it pile up unopened. An old friend who is struggling with her own stuff. A health crisis with my mother. A small health problem of my own.

I really felt like the universe just hated me...even though I knew some of the problems were because of my own avoidance and denial in the past. Hope drained out through my boots and I felt...not even close to enough.

What did I do? I ran away for a few hours, took to my bed and sobbed myself into exhausted sleep. And then? I got up at 5am, went to my allotment and dug and weeded like a numb motherf**ker. I didn't talk to anyone; I had nothing to say. Then I came back, made a list and dealt with the problems I could fix. Am I ok today? No...but I'm pulling myself through it and keeping my eye on the prize of the old chapel and the stability and peace it offers me. My list focused on what I can do to repair and patch and put away the things that hurt me or get in the way of better. And, now, it took me less than 12 hours to go from howling to upright which is very different from the past.

And the stuff I can't change, fix or heal? I'm just trying to look at it briefly and then push it away as far as I can. And try not to feel too bad that things hurt me that I think I should be 'over' by now. My XH's coldness hurt tremendously. MLC or not, XH happy or not, the truth is that he sees our 20 years and me as worthless...not even worth a tiny bit of grace or respect. That is his reality and it hurts me to be faced with it. It just does. I don't feel worthless but it hurts me that he has such contempt and hatred for me. It just does. It hurts me that my mother is a frail, ranting shell of herself and that she can't care about me anymore, that she mostly sees a stranger. It hurts that my life is still full of mess and chaos because of others' actions (and not enough karma kicking for them from what I can see doesn't help) and my own inaction (which makes me have to face how feeble and in how much denial I was for just how long.) It was a day, like the months after BD, when everything hurt and I felt frightened by everything.

Why am I sharing this?

Because it took 12 hours to drag myself out, not 12 days or 12 months. And I fixed the things I could fix quickly and have a plan for the rest.
Because this is one of the few places that I can say 'it hurts like a punch in the guts' and not feel judged.
Because being honest about how much some things hurt or how hard it is to look at them is part of standing up after you fall over.
Because it feels like God was giving me what I need if not what I want, a really big 2x4 prod that I need to move on further and faster and with faith that doing the life equivalent of digging and sowing will bear good fruit.
Because I need a little encouragement from vets that this is normal, that I am normal...not the soft words of "well your XH doesn't mean it/secretly means x' stuff", that no longer matters so much because it is as it is, and I no longer believe it and I have slowly adapted to the reality of who/what XH is (or the hoard bit I see)...but just that it's normal to hurt this much still some days.

It isn't easy being where I am right now, a funny gap between old and new. I'm doing my very best but prayers and encouragement about the other side of the gap much appreciated!

And on a funny side-note, as I think some of you have also experienced, men are popping up now. The chap who accidentally damaged my car and runs a business with predator birds in a war against gulls, aka Birdman. (My neighbour is absolutely convinced he has a soft spot as he keeps turning up for pretty specious reasons but she likes it because it keeps the gulls away when he pops up with a kestrel on his arm! I accused her of pimping me out...she laughed and said it was my own fault for being so glamorous ha ha.) And the tall tanned AA man who came to fix my flat battery and talked about how he likes women his own age and how important it is to trust your gut instinct.... ;)  Not ready to date yet, but the universe is surely prodding me...
« Last Edit: May 25, 2018, 12:22:14 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #27 on: May 25, 2018, 02:21:36 AM »
So, you got the good old "cosmic kick in the pants" huh?

Hate it when that happens but it does.... To everyone.  Sometimes, it feels like we get the Karma Bus drive-by that SHOULD have been reserved for our formerly Significant Others...... And you want to scream "Hey Butthead! (S)He doesn't LIVE here anymore so just move the firetruck along! Nothing to see here! This is NOT the person you are looking for!"

So, starting at the top....

The car battery thing with the nicely tanned AA guy? Cloud with a silver lining perhaps?

The notice from the Landlord... Hmmmmm .... Good thing that you have the Chapel! How does the timing work for you with the closing and move? If there is a gap, would it be possible to talk to your landlord and explain that you need one month or a couple of weeks? I mean, you'd be giving them your own notice soon anyway, right? So... There might be room for negotiation there... Just a thought...

xH - Water under the bridge, Hon. Of course this is what he wants because 1) Psychowitch is still in his pants, 2) He can't stand to be reminded of the crushing mountain of guilt that is piling up and ready to come crashing down. If he doesn't have to acknowledge your existence, he can pretend that the whole thing never happened... until he can't anymore...

Financial Stuff - Yep, I know what you mean... I am also digging myself out of a backlog. I don't expect to take a hit but there is a LOT of very overdue paperwork that needs to be submitted...

You said that yo are at 2.5 years so we are within weeks, if not days of each other on the time line ... I can't really claim "Veteran" status (unless you want to include xW1 and HER QLC disaster) but I can tell you that this is normal... Any one or two of the triggers would have probably set you to thinking  "Well... BALLS!" get up, dust off the crown, and keep going... But you had many more than a couple all at once....

I don't know if you are much of a fan of sappy musicals but... In the musical version of Camelot, there is a funny old guy that goes by the name of "King Pelinore." He is sort of a wandering vagabond knight who has possibly taken one too many knocks to the noggin.... When he meets Guinevere for the 2nd time, he is talking about how being on a Quest is peaceful..... "When you are on a Quest, you are out int eh world. The Sun scorches you, the rains drench you, the snow freezes you, the wind buffets you about.... But they don't all get together and do it to you at the SAME TIME!... that's why I like being on quest. It is predictable, you can COUNT on it. Unlike most people... Not counting yourself of course, milady.... But, it can get lonely at times I suppose.... "  What you had happen was that they all got together and did it to you at the same time... Even the strongest person can feel overwhelmed at times...

You talk about getting to the "other side of the gap." It is, unfortunately, not like a switch that just gets thrown and all that other stuff just "goes away." That is what the Mid-Lifer is trying to do by blowing everything up and running away.  What you will find is that certain things, as they recede into the distance, have less and less of an effect on you...

You'll get into your Chapel - no more landlord stuff to deal with...
The car stuff? If you own one, it will happen from time to time...
The health issues with your mom - All you can do there is to pray - it is in ways a bit like MLC. There is nothing yu can do to change it . All you can do is to change your own reaction to it. Yes, it is sad to see a parent that has no idea who you are anymore and treats you like a stranger... But, like the alien body snatcher, the disease has supplanted your mom within the shell of her body...

Navigating the way from the old to the new and then cutting the path going forward is certainly a daunting task but it is something that I am sure you can and will navigate... And, when you look back, you will see this one day as one of the harder ones, one where a root grew out of the path and caused you to stumble and scrape a knee but also a day where you got up again, shook yourself off, and kept going ... going towards the new future that YOU build however you want to....

{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}

« Last Edit: May 25, 2018, 02:29:29 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #28 on: May 25, 2018, 04:14:18 AM »
You are one strong woman T. I love how you said you didn't want anybody telling you things you have heard many many times. You wanted the vets too give you advice. You are a vet T. Thing is you already knew what you needed to do, and you did it. You got back up, and went on with your life.
I hope you feel better. It's Friday T. Enjoy it. You may not be ready too date, but you sure can enjoy the attention from the men though, ha.

Offline Blueblood

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Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Reply #29 on: May 25, 2018, 04:41:10 AM »
Hi All, My first post on HS

I think this forum has been great to understand we're not alone even though in the lonely times it feels that way. I'm amazed how strong LBS's are at times and how vulnerable we are at the same time.

I decided to stop lurking and be active after reading Tr letter to her friend. it made me realise I have lost a big part of my life when W decided it was over, but so has she. People do take sides unwittingly. All her friends have cut ties, not that I was that close to them anyhow, but it was part of who I was. MIL/FIL - haven't spoken to them in over a month, I suppose there are always silver linings.

I'm probably a month away from Decree Nisi, I'm divorcing W, her petition was so trivial my L said I'd be better divorcing as there was OM involved. Not what I wanted but financially we couldn't live that way indefinitely. But today I realised that the monster is still there and W uses various tactics for justification. But today it dawned on me that Acceptance is not a black and white outcome. Acceptance means we have to live with the fall out forever, yes it gets less painful but it will always be there. since we have youngish children I will have to deal with the monster for a while longer.

Tr has done an amazing job at detaching from XH. I wish you well in the next chapter of your life. It appears to me that you channel the lows to become you driving force, good for you.
M 15 @ BD
Me 50 W 45
D15 D12 D9 S9
BD1 Nov16 (not happy), BD2 May17 ILYBNILWY
PA yes

 

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