Author Topic: MLC Monster Cognitive Dissonance  (Read 1932 times)

Offline 20thcenturygirlTopic starterTopic starter

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MLC Monster Cognitive Dissonance
« on: May 21, 2018, 09:47:39 AM »
Please could someone explain what cognitive dissonance is?

My H has said many times to many people that he just had to leave as "he felt like he was dying" or "he was dying". 
After reading a great deal and listening to many podcasts I think that this is as a result of cognitive dissonance caused by his affair. 
I know that a couple of months before BD he was sending me texts and messages when he was away saying how much he missed me and being home - so no evidence of dying there!

If they should ever move out of replay are they able to look back and realize that the LBS was not the cause of this feeling or will he always look at me and see me as the person who caused him to feel like he was about to die?

H 62
Me 51
BD October 31st 2017
Three months of confusion & coming & going
Left Home December 28th 2017
OW1 living the life with him January 31st 2018 - met her whilst walking dogs.  Ended May 2018
OW2 Tinder date for a few weeks
OW3 Tinder became serious.  Ended late October 2018.  She sent OW1 all of their e-mails and texts.  They were so in love it bought tears to his eyes.
OW4 Met and fell in love beginning of October 2018.  They are so in love it brings tears to his eyes.  She says God brought him into her life.

Offline Ready2Transform

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Re: Cognitive Dissonance
« Reply #1 on: May 21, 2018, 09:55:51 AM »
Cognitive dissonance is a huge for both them and us. It's when what you know to be true and what you are living are inconsistent. Gives you lots of anxiety. For LBSs it may keep us stuck in trying to return things to "normal", which is understandable given the speed and shock of BD.

My xH also thought he was dying and had to leave. He described how I was an appendage he had to cut off in order to save the rest of his body. Go figure. He still emails me to help him with things.  ::) Seven years.

Mine has expressed at different times that he knows it wasn't me, but I think he cycles back into believing it was (I'm not really sure though). Some do, some don't. It's important that *you* know and accept that it wasn't you. BD is still super fresh for you and it's hard to not want to make him see that this is just crazy talk, but trust me, you'll restore stability a lot quicker to the situation by making sure *you* are okay, oxygen mask on, then approach whatever you need to do.
"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

http://seriousvanity.com/how-to-cultivate-unconditional-love-and-change-the-world/

Offline waiting4

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Re: Cognitive Dissonance
« Reply #2 on: May 21, 2018, 01:34:27 PM »

From what I understand about Cognitive dissonance , its when a person changes their beliefs in  ways that enable them to live a life that is in contradiction to what they had believed..such as religion..

 My H was raised in a religious home and attended church all his life.. he knows adultery is wrong .. so, he no longer attends church..he has to set faith aside in order to live with OW.. He was once a very moral person and now gets very angry if he feels anyone is judging him morally ..he use to talk about single parent households and how bad that is for children.. how its bad to have live in BF/GF in front of children.. now he is doing just that.. loving with OW and her small son.. and he now says there is nothing wrong with what he is doing..

its just basically changing the way you think and see things in order to live with yourself and what you are doing..

no decent woman would get involved with a married man and bring that kind of baggage into the life of her innocent child/children.. its just too much for kids to deal with and understand .. but now my H defends his OW like nothing I have ever seen


Me-55
H - 55
Adult D- 35
Married 37 yrs. married 33 yrs at time of BD
date of BD  2015
OW- YES, 36 yr old with a 7yr old
H- moved out of our home in  2015 & moved in with OW
H- says doesnt want divorce, wants long term separation. doesnt know what the future holds.
 H- has introduced OW to his family and visits them often with OW.
 H- has introduced OW to a few of our friends.
 Entering 2018. H has not filed for divorce.
He is still living with OW
 If you're going through Hell, keep going

Offline 20thcenturygirlTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Cognitive Dissonance
« Reply #3 on: May 21, 2018, 02:27:26 PM »
Thank-you Ready and Waiting - 

Ready you are so right in that I do need to keep reminding myself that BD was very recent.  I am not sure how Cognitive Dissonance is impacting my behavior - do you mean that because I am rewriting our history to suit his outcome?  If so then yes, I probably am, instead of seeing our mostly happy and loving marriage I am now focusing on the handful of disagreements and the issues in myself that he highlighted at BD.

That is a good explanation Waiting
So do you think that H was having an affair (started not long before BD) and compartmentalized that away from his family life but then it all became too much and through his detachment, distance and depression, developed because of his affair,  he managed to push me into a big (by our standards - basically about 10 minutes ) argument that allowed him to justify his leaving ?

I have listened to the Joe Beam Limerance podcast many, many times and he talks about cognitive dissonance and then in the next breath says the cheating spouse feels like their marriage is "killing them" - is this something different to CD then?
I may seem a little fixated but I have to say it is his saying he was dying that hurts me more than anything. 
H 62
Me 51
BD October 31st 2017
Three months of confusion & coming & going
Left Home December 28th 2017
OW1 living the life with him January 31st 2018 - met her whilst walking dogs.  Ended May 2018
OW2 Tinder date for a few weeks
OW3 Tinder became serious.  Ended late October 2018.  She sent OW1 all of their e-mails and texts.  They were so in love it bought tears to his eyes.
OW4 Met and fell in love beginning of October 2018.  They are so in love it brings tears to his eyes.  She says God brought him into her life.

Offline Anon

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Re: Cognitive Dissonance
« Reply #4 on: May 21, 2018, 02:31:42 PM »
Quote
I know that a couple of months before BD he was sending me texts and messages when he was away saying how much he missed me and being home - so no evidence of dying there!

IMO and from what I've read, this is typical for most LBS's and why it's called a Bomb Drop.   It seemingly comes out of the blue with no warning with the MCLer giving no clue about what is about to happen.   

Quote
My H has said many times to many people that he just had to leave as "he felt like he was dying" or "he was dying".

This is a classic MLCer symptom - usually first appearing in the Denial and Anger stages that occur before Replay.  When that 'dying feeling' intensifies to unbearable levels along with massive emotional confusion, is when the MLCer is launched into Replay and when an affair typically occurs. 

Quote
After reading a great deal and listening to many podcasts I think that this is as a result of cognitive dissonance caused by his affair.

Most likely the affair came after the 'dying feeling', when the MLCer moves into  Replay (the running stage).  The attraction to a person (who eventually becomes the OW/OM), greatly alleviates the 'dying feeling' making them feel alive again,,, for awhile. 

From the resourse section - an interesting article on emotional blackmail:

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_personality-disorder_emotional-blackmail.html

Offline Anon

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Re: Cognitive Dissonance
« Reply #5 on: May 21, 2018, 02:37:01 PM »
I should add that once the affair begins, the MLCer often feels intense guilt and may for a long time.   Guilt because they know what they are doing is very wrong.   So what your spouse is feeling may be guilt.  And guilt may not be unlike a feeling of cognitive dissonance. 


Offline 20thcenturygirlTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Cognitive Dissonance
« Reply #6 on: May 21, 2018, 02:37:35 PM »
Anon - that is so helpful thank-you.
I will read it now. 

Quote
Most likely the affair came after the 'dying feeling', when the MLCer moves into  Replay (the running stage).  The attraction to a person (who eventually becomes the OW/OM), greatly alleviates the 'dying feeling' making them feel alive again,,, for awhile. 

Does that mean that because the OW/OM relieves the symptoms then they will always remember the LBS causing their feelings of dying and the AP relieving them ?  Or maybe I need to go and read the article!
H 62
Me 51
BD October 31st 2017
Three months of confusion & coming & going
Left Home December 28th 2017
OW1 living the life with him January 31st 2018 - met her whilst walking dogs.  Ended May 2018
OW2 Tinder date for a few weeks
OW3 Tinder became serious.  Ended late October 2018.  She sent OW1 all of their e-mails and texts.  They were so in love it bought tears to his eyes.
OW4 Met and fell in love beginning of October 2018.  They are so in love it brings tears to his eyes.  She says God brought him into her life.

Offline 20thcenturygirlTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Cognitive Dissonance
« Reply #7 on: May 21, 2018, 02:38:31 PM »
Anon - my H was (the last time he spoke to me ) very, very clear about feeling ABSOLUTELY NO guilt whatsoever, ever, ever as he is living the dream
H 62
Me 51
BD October 31st 2017
Three months of confusion & coming & going
Left Home December 28th 2017
OW1 living the life with him January 31st 2018 - met her whilst walking dogs.  Ended May 2018
OW2 Tinder date for a few weeks
OW3 Tinder became serious.  Ended late October 2018.  She sent OW1 all of their e-mails and texts.  They were so in love it bought tears to his eyes.
OW4 Met and fell in love beginning of October 2018.  They are so in love it brings tears to his eyes.  She says God brought him into her life.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Cognitive Dissonance
« Reply #8 on: May 21, 2018, 03:34:51 PM »
I found this "the state of having inconsistent thoughts, beliefs, or attitudes, especially as relating to behavioural decisions and attitude change."

However, there does not seem to be an explanation of the why of those. I would say that "I want to die" is depression. It is something very common depressed people say.

MLCers cognitive dissonance mostly likely come from their depression and the confusing thoughts and actions that arrive from it.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Anon

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Re: Cognitive Dissonance
« Reply #9 on: May 21, 2018, 04:54:39 PM »
Quote
Does that mean that because the OW/OM relieves the symptoms then they will always remember the LBS causing their feelings of dying and the AP relieving them ?

In the beginning, yes,, but not always.   During replay, affair or no affair, the MLCer will project their unhappiness onto their spouse.  Rather than look inside themselves to find the source of their unhappiness they project it outward onto the person that is most central to their life (spouse, usually) and believe that happiness can only be found by leaving.  They are 'greener grass' seekers and may continue to bounce around from external solutions (affairs) always seeking that greener grass and that elusive happiness.   Eventually most of them get it, that the solution is within them and they start working on their issues.  They might also start to realize that their spouse really had nothing to do with these issues. 

Doesn't mean the affair ends instantly but if the LBS has let go of their spouse, worked on self improvement, and kept their eyes OFF the spouse and his antics, then the green grass dynamic may change.  Now YOU appear to be the greener grass, not the OW and your H may turn back towards you.   This all can take a very long time - patience is a must. 


 




 

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