Just checking !

[Believer]

Hi everyone ! It’s been few of years since I’ve last posted. I thought I’d pop in, share an update and just see how everyone is.

My bomb drop was November 2009. I like many struggled to understand and detach - certainly did more things incorrectly than I should have. Did I hurt us or delay his movement most likely although who really knows.
My problem is I’m a fixer and silly me believed I could help. Lesson to all newbies….this is his/her crisis you can’t fix it for them!!

H filed for divorce last year. I had lots going on with work and asked to put it on hold. After all it had been over 7 years and three previous attempts to settle finances in which each time he left without completing it crying and saying he was nothing but a jerk to me. However, because “ he had to move on” the divorce had to be done now.
Btw I was shocked by the debt he had accumulated, he had always been very responsible with our finances !!! and D24 had been with me the entire time !!
Oh and something else I learned apparently I kicked him out and identified what he could have from our possessions.  Hmm.. I reminded him that he in fact was the one who had moved out - into his brother’s, OW surfaced and he had said he was never returning.  A year later I asked him if he wasn’t coming home to pick up his clothes etc. and I divided our belongings - (printed out a list to which he thanked me for being so fair and generous). I was tired of looking at all his things. No honey, I didn’t throw you out  you left and rewrote that part …

He was only focused on himself and what was best for him in the settlement. It didn’t matter what I had contributed etc.- as he said he was getting the best deal he could for himself.

He is still with the OW - spends 5 hours most weekends commuting to her place to be with her and her kids.

D24 has not met OW and her kids.

exH continues to live with his brother’s family throughout - has not yet got his own apt. or house.

Remains distant from our D24 - exH cried at Christmas when she said she didn’t want to spend her birthday a few days later with him. Her comment was you don’t get to cry about this- you created this.

Apparently, continues to dress younger than his years

Has continued with his second job- financially he doesn’t require a second job so I can only guess he uses it as a distraction. His debt was certainly covered in the settlement.

Apparently, he has taken up cycling long distance races of 100K + and is on an extreme healthy eating regime

He doesn’t connect with me at all. I touch in periodically to see whether “he’s still cooking”

I have a wonderful relationship with ex MIL. I spend time with her weekly. 

I recently touched in with exH to let him know the parent of our closest friend passed away. He responded with reference that had I not told him he’s sure he wouldn’t have been informed. He has lost touch with friends and a few months back told me he has no friends ??

Do I think he’s still in a MLC? I think I do, perhaps he’s even stuck. Maybe he will never reconnect with his D or his previous life.  Maybe this is how he will be forever.

As for me, I’m busy  working on things for me. I managed to buy the house in the settlement. I wanted D to still feel her home was still hers until she left to get married.

D24 and I get along well and she thanks me for always being there for her.

Unfortunately, I lost my job after 28 years last fall. They decided to redesign the leadership team and I was no longer required. I’m using this time to look at other career opportunities. I figure if I can go through MLC and divorce then I can certainly cope with losing my job.
BTW because H and I work at the same business I did give him warning of the announcement. He was and remains furious about it - can’t believe it happened. Protector all of a sudden blah blah blah…

I expect I’ll likely sell my home next year for something smaller and more affordable. ExH responded - that makes me uncomfortable that someone else will be in our home… our home pretty sure I bought it from you.

I’m enjoying time working on crafts and hobbies, volunteering with an animal rescue and having fun with a couple of my girlfriends who have been the most amazing supporters through all of this.

I’m not dating or even interested in it. I’m content to be on my own - which has been my greatest development in all of this. 

I still stand - perhaps that’s foolish on my behalf given how long it has been. However I still have feelings for my exH and believe that he may still come out of this a better man.
In the meantime I have to remain focused on me rather than him.
Which surprisingly I still have to remind myself to do even now after all the years. Yep I’m still a work in progress :-)

Hugs to all and I hope that my post provides information that is helpful to others.

Believer

[LearningIamOk]

Believer!!! I have also popped in just to see what's up. I am delighted to hear your update. You sound well, except for the job part. I hope you can find something soon that you love. And you are certainly keeping busy. Are you painting at all? I still take my art class, although my teacher is 91 now and I am not sure how much longer he will give lessons. I have been with him for 20 years now.

He is still with the OW - spends 5 hours most weekends commuting to her place to be with her and her kids.

Incredible how they jettison their own family and take on the Affair Partner's. Mine is also still with the same OW. Although, xH lives in his own condo. I give you a lot of credit for still keeping the door open. I closed it on xH 5 years ago.

I do have a wonderful man in my life. We've been together for 5 years. When I met him, I was still hoping to reconcile, but xH wants no part of me. I haven't seen him since our D's wedding almost 2 years ago. I think he is stuck in the tunnel. I don't see him ever making any real progress. And my kids all tell me that the OW is just mean to him. I guess I should have been a B!tch to him and we'd still be together. LOL

Remains distant from our D24 - exH cried at Christmas when she said she didn’t want to spend her birthday a few days later with him. Her comment was you don’t get to cry about this- you created this.

The kids are very black and white with their judgments. I think that was a great Truth Dart she hit him with. He is going to have to do a lot of work to get back in her good graces. Hopefully, he will do the work.

Apparently, he has taken up cycling long distance races of 100K + and is on an extreme healthy eating regime

Mine also goes to the gym A LOT. My D34 (she works for him) says sometimes he goes twice a day. That's where he met OW. She's a spin instructor, if you recall. I don't think xH eats very much. He's way thinner than when he was with me. He thinks it's great that he can fit size small shirts. He used to have the most beautiful broad shoulders. Not anymore.

I hope you keep working on yourself. This has been the greatest adventure for getting to know ourselves better.

[Thunder]

Hi Believer,

I missed your post.

It's quite incredible how very long some of these crisis last, isn't it?  Wow, 2009 and he's still stuck.   

You sound good though.  I'm glad you got the house in the settlement.  Now you have something to buy yourself another, smaller house. 

Keep us posted on how things go.  It's nice to hear updates from "old timers."   
Thanks for writing.

[Mitzpah]

Hi Believer,

It is lovely to hear from you.

I am still around. I have been divorced for over three years now, yet nothing seems to change much.

I still stand.

My 3 kids are doing reasonably well, they are all at university now but living at home with me as is the custom here in Brazil. I currently have s26's gf living with us too, which is ok - she is as quiet as a mouse and seems to keep s26 in line

Financial difficulties continue but I am in a much better place than I was. H. still comes round to to see the kids when he can (is allowed, I think). He is avoiding me like the plague at the moment, other times he will communicate nicely with me and is affectionate and friendly, as I am with him.

I would love to go and live somewhere smaller and cheaper but I guess that will only be when I have sorted this complicated house out legally (nothing to do with h. or MLC) and the kids have moved out - no sign of that yet

Good to see you!

[Believer]

Hi Thunder,

So good to hear from you.

Yes, thank goodness I was able to get the house. It does offer some cushion to be able to get something smaller. 

Yep, 2009 and still stuck. At times, I get frustrated that his brother continues to let him live there. I say push him out of the nest and let him grow up. Oh well not much I can control about that.
Something that does drive me crazy is that xH has always promised D24 since the start that once he gets his own house she can come visit. He tells her  it's not right that he has her stay with him now because its not his house. I shake my head and say no but it's her aunt and uncle's and they've invited her to come anytime she wants... Again just more craziness.

I hope all is well for you. I'll have to spend some time catching up on posts :-)

[Believer]

Hi Learning,

Yes, I’m still painting. I absolutely love it. In fact this summer I’ve decided to not worry about getting a job but rather simply enjoy the time off which includes taking my easel outside in the sunshine.
That’s amazing you’ve had your teacher for 20 years, clearly he loves teaching to still be doing it at 91 !!

It’s very sad that your xH is still off doing his own thing and doesn’t seem to have any interest in you. What a foolish man !
I am happy that you’re still with your wonderful gentleman and life is treating you well. You deserve that most of all.

I was proud of D24’s truth dart to her father. As much as I hope it gave him something to think about. He probably would spin it that she was being very rude to him.
As much as I’ve learned about MLC I still struggle with how much they remove themselves from their child’s life. Just blows me out of the water !

I chuckle about their focus on exercise - The odd time he's spoken to me he complains about all his aches and pains, how old he feels, how poor his memory is blah blah blah... Hmmm perhaps if you stopped thinking you were twenty you would feel better !!

Great to hear from you and I hope life continues to bring you much joy and happiness !!!

[Believer]

Hi Mitzpah,

I’m sorry to hear about the divorce. It’s nice that you still stand though. It’s important to do whatever you feel is best for you.

Love that you have the kids with you and they are doing well. That’s kind of you to have S26’s gf with you as well and an extra bonus she helps keep him in line lol !!

I’m sorry to hear of the financial struggles- it’s such an extra layer of stress. I’m glad it’s improved though.

I hear you about the kids not moving out. I teased my D24 that I was going to start to buy the cheap toilet paper if she didn’t soon move out !! 

Let’s hope that your future has more of him being nice, affectionate and friendly. Goodness knows you’ve been that to him all along !

Hugs and only the best to you !

[LearningIamOk]

Hi Believer! I hope you have an amazing summer painting. All I want to do is paint and go insane. LOL

I completely agree with you about how sad it is that they let go of their kids. I know mine hurt because of it. I want to say something to him, but they are all adults and they will have to navigate the difficulties on their own.

I think they somehow punish themselves with the exercise. Like they deserve to be in pain. Which they do. I hope your H busts a move and grows up. I don't know how his brother can keep putting up with him. I let my oldest sister come live with me for a year and it was no picnic. I am so relieved she got a place of her own.

Are you on FB? I would love to see some of your paintings.

[Believer]

Hi Learning,

I’m with you there is no way I’d let one of my adult siblings live with me any extended length of time.

No, I don’t have a FB page that has anything art related. Do you I’d love to see some of yours if you do !!

Take care,
Believer

[Trustandlove]

Hello -- just checking in on a fellow long-timer; I, too, am still here....  my H also took many years to divorce me, my now nearly adult children have nothing to with the latest OW, and so on....   

I, too had some shocks about debt., etc, when the financial process was finally completed, like you say, he kept saying he wanted to do it and then didn't.  That seems to be typical. 

I don't know if he's stuck, I do know that his life isn't rosy, but, as we all know, he will have to work things out for himself. 

So nice to hear that you are doing well; I get it about continuing to stand whilst getting on with and living life!  I'm also living!