Author Topic: My Story Just checking !  (Read 3472 times)

Offline FaithWalker

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My Story Re: Just checking !
« Reply #10 on: June 07, 2018, 01:45:06 PM »
Welcome back!  It's nice to hear an update from some Old Timer's, and it looks like in reality it takes these MLCers a long time.  That truth is slowly sinking in with me.

My BD was in Dec of 2015 and the D was final 4 months later.  Pretty sure we're just getting started.  I have very confused emotions on whether to stand or not, but right now I'm just going about my life regardless.

I've made some great friendships from this board, and it has been a life saver.  Despite the pain of BD and going through this storm, I have much that brings me joy in life.   :)
M-41
H-43
S-19
D-17
S-14
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Has several dating profiles on POF and another but no major signs of anything new.

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10630.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: Just checking !
« Reply #11 on: June 20, 2018, 05:52:14 PM »
Yes, I am on FB and you can see my paintings on my page. I have one more lesson before we break for the summer. It is my joy in life to paint and be with the other students and my teacher. They are a great group. I will PM you my info.
trying2bok

Offline BelieverTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Just checking !
« Reply #12 on: December 18, 2018, 01:43:18 AM »
Hi everyone,

I thought I’d share some recent information about what’s happened....

In early September exH reached out to our D24. He invited her to dinner at a nice restaurant  ???.  I was pleased because I thought perhaps he was wishing to reconnect with her.
In a way he was, however first he wanted D24 to know he was engaged to OW and would be getting married next summer.  Uggh ....however D24 promptly informed him that if he was looking for her to say “Congratulations and I’m happy for you” he wasn’t going to hear it. His response was I guess I didn’t think you would. D24 then informed him that he invited her to dinner because he knew they weren’t getting along so now that he’s had his “Me time” he can sit and hear the truth about why they don’t get along. Suffice to say it was a rapid fire of truth darts which resulted in him crying.

As dinner drew to a close. D24 told her father that it was up to him to tell me he was getting married. She said you burdened me with your secrets before when you were seeing OW and Mom didn’t know - you aren’t doing that to me again. He agreed he needed to be the one to tell me.
Well I only found out about it yesterday from D24. She and I were talking about Christmas plans with her father. Oddly, It was a little tense and after some emotional moments she told me about exH getting married. You could see the weight lift off her once she said it.
I was furious that exH had done this to her again.  She shared that she reminded him that he needed to tell me. She texted her dad right away and in typical style he responded with excuses....

Seriously who plays with their child’s emotions like this....an MLCer of course.

The irony in this new information was that earlier in the day I had sent exH a message even though we hadn’t spoken in almost six months indicating that it would be nice if we could start to communicate about D24 and his Mom. I said D24 has so many exciting things happening that we should be rejoicing together as parents and MIL has health concerns that we can work on. ( I go over weekly to help her with household chores or go with her to appts.)
Hmmm not expecting he’s going to respond to that message anytime soon...and I’m not sure I want to communicate with him given his cowardly behaviour.

As for me this information was a tough blow. I’m not sure how I feel at the moment. There are a lot of emotions that have surfaced as a result.

It was interesting as D24 only recently met the OW when exH hosted Thanksgiving dinner, which coincidently was on our wedding anniversary. Although that date clearly had no importance to him.
D24 said to never compare myself to her. She said she is sickly skinny ( I’m not lol ), unattractive and full of herself. She said their relationship is superficial and warped.
D24 shared she isn’t going to waste energy on portraying her as an evil  stepmom as she’s not worth her energy. She isn’t going to validate her presence.

She mentioned that once they get married they won’t be living together as exH doesn’t retire for a couple more years and he won’t relocate until then.
 
Apparently exH has bought himself a camper because as he told D24 he can’t afford a house and this will allow He and OW somewhere to stay when she comes to town. ExH still lives with his brother and parks the trailer at a local campground.
 
He apparently sent out Christmas cards from him, OW and her kids but didn’t include D24.  I hope D24 doesn’t see one because goodness knows she doesn’t need to be hurt anymore. She has a strong front yet deep down inside still wants her dad to be a dad.

A couple of months ago ExH had stopped by his Mom’s to move his camper while I was there. Naturally, I heard him ask where I was. Mom said I was in cleaning the bathroom. ExH came to the door and instantly tears welled up in his eyes and he said “ Your too good , then turned around and left. He came back once he composed himself and shared something about work.
I think those may have been the most truthful words he’s said in a long time lol !

As I type this message I can’t help but shake my head and kinda chuckle at the absurdity of it all. This is not an emotionally healthy man but is MLC still the cause? I don’t know after all this time.

I just thought by sharing this would provide information for those who are interested in time lengths and behaviours ..9 years and back in the oven he goes on high this time  ::)

Hugs to all,
 

Offline Mitzpah

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Re: Just checking !
« Reply #13 on: December 18, 2018, 04:50:57 AM »
Hi Believer,

I am still here too. Over 8 years since BD.

I am sorry to hear that the latest news has thrown you - it must hurt and the emotions are probably running high. :( Rather sad that he "sent the message" through your d24. My h. does that kind of thing too, although it depends on what it is, if it is something about his woes at work, or he needs a short term loan - he will then contact me directly. I am sure that if it were something of the same nature  :-\ - marriage to ow or moving in again with her, he might resort to telling the kids first just to avoid having to tell me to my face. I think it is their guilt that overwhelms them... Just like his encounter with you while you were helping his mother.

My h. comes around, purportedly to see the kids and spend time with them. As they all still live with me, I suppose that is to be expected. Eldest s26 is moving out in January, so lets see what happens, this is the son he is closest to. Of course, the others are still with me and the garage is here, which is the place that unites eldest s26 and h. - so I doubt things will change too much.

Again, I am sorry but I can't help noticing that you are doing well otherwise. Have you retired? I remember you had lost your long term job earlier this year, I think? I am still working very hard at a full time job even though I am officially retired - can't really afford to live off my single pension :(  The economy here is still quite bad, so I guess I have quite a few more years in the work force! :P
M 57
H 57
S 27
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline BelieverTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Just checking !
« Reply #14 on: December 18, 2018, 05:50:56 AM »
Hi Mitzpah,

Good to hear from you. Yes, it will be interesting to was your H does once your son moves out. I think you’re right that things may not change  ;)

It’s the lack of courage and how long they carry their junk with them that stuns me. I say heck jump in the “hole”  and allow yourself to heal ....whole lot better than the torture your experiencing.

No, I’m not officially retired as my severance runs out in the fall of next year. Unfortunately, I still have two years after that before I can start to collect my pension. It’s a decent pension, however I’ll need to be wise about it. I may even need to pick up a part time job for fun money.  So I am looking for work to cover me until I can start my pension. Sadly, the job hunt isn’t going well and certainly won’t be in the pay scale I had previously.

Nonetheless, I will keep moving forward and it will all work it’s way out.

Hugs,

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: Just checking !
« Reply #15 on: December 20, 2018, 04:39:30 PM »
Hi Believer! Yes, that was a really cowardly thing he did. He got your D24, under the pretense of quality time together, to ambush her. And they all think that everyone is going to be happy for them with their choices. They constantly look to be validated. Apparently, D24 wasn't having any of it. Good for her for speaking up.

Interesting that they will get married, but not live together. I think some of these MLCers like the OP to stay on the periphery of their lives.


Sorry that the news upset you. I am sure you will rally and continue to be the amazing person you are. Why let a couple of dodos ruin all your hard work?
trying2bok

Offline BelieverTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Just checking !
« Reply #16 on: March 13, 2019, 07:58:18 PM »
Just sharing some more MLC / OW observations.

As you recall exH is marrying the OW this July. My D25 was upset when her father told her this and shot him some truth darts.

Last night I learned that D25 was asked by her father to design the wedding invitations for them.  She does this work on the side for her friends. I had suspected she was as she was acting strangely about some printing she needed to do.

D25 hadn’t mentioned anything to me, I learned this through her boyfriend. He shared he was struggling to understand why she agreed to do this yet says she isn’t in support of it. We both agreed that deep inside she still wants her father’s attention whatever it may be.

D25 met up with him for dinner to show him the samples. As dinner continued he mentioned who was going to be standing up with OW and himself. OW has her two daughters participating, exH was having his brother and OW’s BIL. (I guess he’s not asking his closest friend, not surprised as exH has dumped him too.)
D25 then asked her father why he hadn’t included her. He stammered and said that she could be included. Oh gosh I’d love to see how he explains that to OW...pretty sure he lost sleep last night figuring out how to tell OW.

D25 hasn’t mentioned anything to me. I know it’s because she doesn’t want to hurt me. Nonetheless, it nags at me that she wasn’t honest when we were talking about the print job
In a conversation with my exSIL who I get along with well - exH still lives at his brother’s home. I had asked her if she liked OW. She said she doesn’t even know OW well enough to say. She said they aren’t at all close. She said I couldn’t even tell you the colour of her hair!

What did I learn from all of this...

OW clearly had no intention of including D25...honestly neither did her father it seems
OW isn’t linked in closely to the exH’s family. She’s keeping exH secured tight in her family and town rather than in his.
I’m sad for D25 that her father still isn’t able to be her father
I’m sad for D25 and I. She wasnt honest about designing the invitations. I realize she didn’t say anything because she didn’t wish to hurt me. However, as a parent I still feel like Ive not been successful in coaching her through this type of scenario.

Hugs,
Believe



Offline Mitzpah

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Re: Just checking !
« Reply #17 on: March 14, 2019, 04:23:50 AM »
Believer,

I am with you in the sadness about d25's behavior, I feel it reflects on me too :-\ when this kind of thing happens.
My kids ARE careful to shield me from their father's actions involving ow and her presence in their lives. Rationally, I know that it is not my fault and I have to allow them to deal in the way they see best.

It is just a shame that they need to hide and use subterfuges to keep in their father's good books - it shows how damaging divorce is to children of all ages.

Now that our S27 has moved out, I see very little of h. and he has firmly inserted ow into his visits to s27's house. He is distancing on a far reach currently. The other two kids (S25 and D24) see less of him now, although they are still in contact via whatsapp and when he goes to s27's house, they get summoned over :P.

Hugs to you!!
M 57
H 57
S 27
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline BelieverTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Just checking !
« Reply #18 on: March 14, 2019, 05:11:32 AM »
Thanks Mitzpah  :)

Yes, it is upsetting what they do to keep in their father’s good books. The unnecessary stress that gets thrust on them by the MLCer/ divorce is so unfair.

Like you rationally I understand D25’s behavior too and her need to navigate through it. It still stings though.  She too tries very hard to keep me shielded.

Yes, that OW gets integrated into our kids lives whether we like it or not.  >:(

Hugs !







Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: Just checking !
« Reply #19 on: March 14, 2019, 11:32:13 AM »
Hello,

Quote
D25 hadn’t mentioned anything to me, I learned this through her boyfriend. He shared he was struggling to understand why she agreed to do this yet says she isn’t in support of it. We both agreed that deep inside she still wants her father’s attention whatever it may be.

I may be completely wrong on this and just my gut reaction. However, I do hope your D25 reconnects with her father. She is conflicted and by bringing her closer to her father, she can resolve this conflict.

Although it can happen at anytime, for your daughter's sake, I don't want your daughter to bear the incredible guilt should something happen to her father. Everyone is impacted by the passing of a parent, but those that are close and have a positive relationship with the parent recover faster than those that don't. Seems weird doesn't it?

She probably didn't want you to know about the card because she doesn't want to feel like she is betraying you.

My advice is to let her know that she made the cards and that you are very proud of her by helping her father. That she didn't let the bad behavior of her father determine her behavior. Remind her how much you love her and will always be there for her and she should always feel free to talk to you about anything- including her Dad.

Yes, your H is still in the oven. Ow is marrying damaged goods!

((((Hugs))) and more (((Hugs)))

Ready
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

 

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