Skip to main content

Author Topic: My Story Just checking !

  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 482
  • Gender: Female
My Story Just checking !
#120: April 12, 2020, 03:55:42 PM

Just sharing

I have been been thinking about the past specifically areas where I could have done a better job in my marriage. I had my first back surgery early on in our marriage which certainly had an impact not only my life but also the quality of our life together. There were activities we were no longer able to share. I had to make a career change etc. I recognized where I could have done a better job at explaining how I felt because of the changes. I sent exH an email sharing my thoughts and offering an apology for my inability to better explain how I was feeling at times in our marriage. I sent it for me with no expectation he would respond. I have long accepted that he lacks the courage to have sensible conversations and is most comfortable with avoidance.
Well, imagine my surprise when he responded within 90 minutes. Long story short, he said it was not for me to apology because had he been a good husband I should never had to feel the need to apologize. He went on to share that the reason I didn’t better express myself was because he never made it safe for me to do that. He indicated he has realized on reflection how badly he treated me at times because of his selfishness and lack of maturity. He made comment that “ he’s sure his Maker will hold him accountable for it” and then closed with the most sincere apology I’ve ever heard from him ever in our entire life. The apology was all related to my back injury, nothing about any other issues such as discarding our marriage.
I waited a couple of days to respond, mainly out of shock. I responded with a simple thank you, acknowledged him for being vulnerable in his response, and encouraged him to continue to spend time with his “Maker”.
He went silent as I anticipated.

I graciously accepted his apology. However a part of me felt as though it would have been more meaningful had apologized to me independent of my email.  I think that would have shown genuine courage and accountability

What do I make of it all..
He’s remarried, still living in his brothers basement and driving home ( 5hrs round trip)  to his wife on the weekends. That in itself says a lot

... perhaps he has come out of the tunnel, and is at peace with his decision.
... perhaps he’s processing
... perhaps he’s learning to believe there is a God or Maker
... perhaps he is happily married and she is helping him grow emotionally
... perhaps he’s still smack dab in MLC

Regardless of where he is, my intent was to apology for something I could have done a better job with in our marriage. That was achieved for me.
...ten years later and still working through things 😜




  • Logged

G
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 217
Just checking !
#121: April 12, 2020, 05:28:08 PM
Hi Believer-

I just finished reading through your journey and I wish I could be there to personally give you a great big hug.  So much of what you have written resonates with different moments in my journey. I admire how you kept pushing through no matter how painful.  Not saying it was easy, but you kept moving.  Now you came out the other side with an apologetic heart and he gave you a piece of your heart back by owning his truth.  This is how it should be in the end. Neither side is perfect, but what beauty that can come from each side taken full responsibility for their roles.

 I wish nothing but the best for your family going forward. I pray you to can start as great friends again and let a new journey begin even if it's based on that.  A new beginning with someone from your past to see what you two like now.  If something greater comes out of that, all the better.  Thanks for the update.  This truly made my day!  You stayed the course after lots of years!! God Bless!! GGG

  • Logged

  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 482
  • Gender: Female
Just checking !
#122: April 12, 2020, 06:15:30 PM
Ggg4life,

Thank you for your kind words and prayer for my family. I’m so glad I brought something positive to your day ♥️
It’s the blessing part of this journey when we learn, grow and then share.

Hugs,
Believer
  • Logged

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2867
  • Gender: Female
  • Time is a Gift! 🎁
Just checking !
#123: April 22, 2020, 10:21:28 PM
Wow, nice to get an apology like that!  Although I'm with you in wishing it could have come independent of your own.  Sounds like he's been doing some mirror work, maybe just a little?
  • Logged
Survival Instructions for Newbies

The Apology Every LBS Deserves

My Journey

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 482
  • Gender: Female
Just checking !
#124: December 06, 2020, 06:47:15 PM


Summary of the past few months....

My D moved out in September. I’m super proud that she has bought her first home and is learning all the responsibilities that go with that.

I retired at the start of November 😁. I decided that for health reasons it was time for me to step out and refocus on myself. I had been working part time in a long term care setting since my hospital management  position had been reorganized a couple years previous.

So within a very short period of time I became a “retired empty nester.”
I miss D, however it was certainly time for her to venture out on her own. Our relationship is already changing in positives ways... we argue less, as well she often asks for my thoughts, and even recipes. Her home requires a lot of work and since I’m now retired I pop over to help with painting, refinishing chairs, etc. 

ExH had really been hit and miss all these years with her. D has lived exclusively with me, even though H was in the same city he seldom reached out to her. The exception was Christmas when he would overwhelm her with expensive gifts...then he’d disappear.
H married the OW last year. D was less than impressed and it was uncertain if she would attend the wedding or not. In the end she did, although she regretted it as she had to listen to OW’s daughters make a speech about how H was a wonderful father to them all these years, better than their own father etc...you know how that goes.
It broke D’s heart to hear that.

However, this year H has shown some changes. He spent Father’s Day with her - first time since he’s been gone. More importantly, it was just the two of them.
He texts more consistently with her, he recently gave her all his wood working tools to have for her new home. Interestingly, he had kept all of the tools, as well as everything else he took when he left in a paid storage unit for the last 10 yrs...complete with a half filled bag of sawdust which coincidentally he dropped off at D’s with the tools. 🙄
He’s been over to help her with some repairs as well.
I’m glad yet guarded that’s he’s more involved in her life. I don’t want her heart broken if he just takes off again. I’m not sure she’d let him in again if he did.

As for H, I hadn’t spoken with him since earlier this year. However last week I texted to let H know I was thinking about him and the staff. Sadly, the hospital we both worked for has a significant COVID outbreak resulting in deaths.
He responded that he was doing fine as was the staff. He commented that he was very glad to hear that I had retired from the long term home as it was the last place he wanted me to be during COVID 😳
I hadn’t told him I retired so I can only assume D had. We texted about about his Mom. I was always close with my MIL, however she has really changed over the last 18 mths and not in a pleasant way. She is incredibly self centered and mean spirited. I’ve actually stepped back because she has brought me to tears with her lack of concern.
H mentioned that he was  “struggling” with her. He sees how selfish and biased she is and he doesn’t want to be around her.
I found this interesting because H is just like his mother with respect to being selfish, focused on physical appearance, etc. His brother asked him to get his own place - finally after 10 years !! He has been living in his brother’s and SIL’s basement since he left. His wife lives 2.5 hours away - he goes there on the weekends. It sounds as though he may retire in a year or two now. He got himself an apt. close to work. D went over to see it. She said it’s nice but interestingly
all the photos he has up are of D, his parents and siblings. There are no pictures or momentos of his wife or new life. D said it was very odd but so is this version of him 😂. Hmm ....compartmentalize much H??
With respect to us, he hasn’t shown any ownership or accountability for blowing up his marriage or desire to look within himself. He still mixes up the “facts”. Apparently my former SIL has reminded him of the truths when he indicates otherwise. Finally, he remains married to the OW.
In a nutshell, he’s still cracked. I truly don’t know if the man I knew and loved will ever show up. I don’t see the courage in him as he is today.

So I carry on, working on my home improvements as well as D’s for her place. I’m defining a new routine for my retired life which includes exercise, crafting, gardening and over all “me” time. Plus lots of cuddle time with my pets ( 4 cats and 2 dogs 🤪). My poor little pug had cruciate ligament surgery last week.... tore it jumping off the couch- no judgement there because some days I think that might just happen to me. 😂
I’m not interested in dating - a colleague was on a dating site and we were chatting about the potential men. She picked two which I agreed by all accounts seemed to be good choices. She went out with both of them only to receive a call from the wife of one guy- apparently he wasn’t divorced, and the other guy confessed he was still married as well. Gosh that reaffirmed to me why I don’t date !!!

I’m sorry I don’t post a lot. It’s mainly because others say it so well and I have very little extra to add. Besides after all these years there is little new - this is a long process! Sure, I still get teary, I still monkey brain stuff if I’m not careful and my heart still aches. However as my therapist quoted to me ..Believer,  “Grief is the cost of Love” what you had and felt was real, don’t allow yourself to think otherwise, more importantly don’t let yourself become as lost and empty as H because that would be a double tragedy....

So with that I’m off to cuddle the pug ♥️♥️

Hugs, Believer
  • Logged

C
  • *
  • Subscriber, 12 Month
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 589
  • Gender: Female
Just checking !
#125: December 06, 2020, 07:03:56 PM
Nice to see an update and get the chance to catch up on your thread. It is immeasurably helpful to see that, though the process is long, we all heal in our own ways and in our own time. Sounds like you have done admirably throughout and continue to do well in your own life, as he continues to trudge through this journey he’s on.
  • Logged

  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 482
  • Gender: Female
Just checking !
#126: December 06, 2020, 07:48:07 PM
Thanks Curiousity!

Love your description of trudging along - that’s exactly it !!
I’m sorry your W is struggling, try to keep focused on you. It took me a verrrrry  long time to truly understand that I didn’t have the ability to influence or change what the MLCer was doing.

Hugs, Believer
  • Logged

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 11477
  • Gender: Female
Just checking !
#127: December 06, 2020, 09:37:22 PM
Hi Believer, it was good to read your update.

I have seen my husband come closer to our daughter although he  does not see her...some of that is because he lives far away. He has not been with her for Father’s Day for many many years and has had little physical contact with her. They do  speak on Sunday’s. It is not a normal father daughter relationship but I am grateful that they have the relationship that they have.

Those dating stories are so sad. But I have heard similar stories and am also glad that I do not have the desire to find someone new.

Enjoy your retirement. COVID has stopped the ability to find new things to do, to travel, to meet other people but eventually that will change.

That your husband still doesn’t live with OW is so strange but then everything about MLC is strange.

It sounds that your relationship  with  your daughter is a strong and happy one.  That is what matters. That we can enjoy these daughters and have survived what hurt us so badly, and can be their mother’s for they truly need that.

Thanks again for taking the time to let us know how things are.
  • Logged
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 11110
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
Just checking !
#128: December 06, 2020, 11:51:25 PM
XYZ already said it but...

He is married to the OW, she lives 2 1/2 hours away, xH only sees his new Wifey/Schmoopie on the weekends and xH was still living in his brother's basement until his brother essentially kicked him out?

I think that pretty much sums up what a messed up life he is leading.... The fog is thick in that one.....

  • Logged
Me - 58, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 10
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

M
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3791
  • Gender: Female
Re: Just checking !
#129: December 07, 2020, 04:37:09 AM
Good to hear an update from you Believer. I do still like to hear what the old timers are doing even if you think you don't have much to say.

Congratulations on your retirement. I'm happy you will have time for some of your hobbies and be away from the risk of Covid.

Your H's marriage sounds very strange for sure. I guess it's more like a wife with benefits than an actual marriage. Certainly is very different than your marriage to him. Shows how changed they are and maybe also how flat they are.

Wishing you and your D a lovely Christmas. How fun for her to have you help her redo her new house.
  • Logged
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D26, D23, S16
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.