Author Topic: My Story The Positives XXI  (Read 1307 times)

Online Savoir Faire

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My Story Re: The Positives XXI
« Reply #40 on: July 11, 2018, 06:56:22 PM »
Come over here Serenity, it's currently 14 Celsius and middle of Winter.  You know you're welcome anytime.

I also have some good unpacking skills and some tools to bring to you.  I wouldn't mind trading a 27 degree day for our miserable weather for a week of two, it's been bone chilling as we've had some cold wind and rain recently.

Maybe we need a LBS house swap site?
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Anjae

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Re: The Positives XXI
« Reply #41 on: July 11, 2018, 07:44:49 PM »
Northern Europe, and Northern Coastal Portugal didn't use to have high temperatures.

We have a huge terrace in the flat, large windows and a veranda. But the windows are Scandinavian style. Very useful in Sweden, but not when your flat is East-West facing and gets hit by the sun all day long. However, so far, we haven't had much sun, more like hot, humid and grey.

AC is not a common thing in Portugal. Alentejo tradicional houses may be a better idea, but Porto is not (or didn't use to be) Alentejo.

Oh, I do slow down when it is hot. I can barely function with heat. I stay inside and make sure I don't catch sun.

The other thing here was that people tended to dress European city style. It just does not work in high temperatures. Now, when it is hot, it is more and more Beach/super relaxed style. People are starting to not to care and just be comfortable.

26C I would be boiling. I wear short sleeves with 20C or less if I am outside and it is sunny. 15C or 16C is cool.


Moving is stressful, Serenity. After the move relaxed times will return.

The heat is not helping. Hope it cools down.


Before he left, maybe by March or April 2006, Mr J wanted to go to Cleveland or Pittsburgh for at least a year to help some guy he met on E-bay sorting a records warehouse. Later, already deep in crisis, he wanted to move to Australia. And at BD I wanted to go to Alaska. At least I knew why I wanted to go to Alaska. It was because Alaska was very far away and no one knew me = I wouldn't had to deal with anything related with what was going on.

Of course none of us went anywhere. But if I had, I hadn't left Mr J. He was already living elsewhere.

I only have non-electric screwdrivers. My brothers have electric ones, I can borrow them.  :)

The oldest of my brothers packed the things I manage to brought back home. Packing was never my thing. Screwdrivers and other tools I handle fine, packing, not really. Mr J, on the other hand, is excellent with packing, incluing parcels to be mailed.

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline serenityTopic starter

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Re: The Positives XXI
« Reply #42 on: July 12, 2018, 12:34:35 AM »
Hello dear Savvy

I’m loving the sound of an LBS house swap. I’d much prefer your cooler weather!

Thank you for your kind invite. I would so love to meet you and of course you’re always welcome here anytime! I just wish we weren’t so far apart. I haven’t even been on an aeroplane for over 10 years!!

I really hope you’re doing ok? I wish I had just a smidge of your calmness! I find in my head I quickly start to catastrophise when I get stressed!

Hugs X

Hello Anjae,

Thank you for your post. My moving date continues to keep changing and everyone in the chain is getting very twitchy! I keep getting frantic calls from both estate agents and my solicitor! I’ve said to them all it’s out of my hands now - I’ve signed all my forms and paperwork and it’s now down to the solicitors to just do their jobs!

House moving is always stressful especially when there are quite a few people involved in the chain of houses being sold and bought. The main hold up now seems to just be getting everyone to decide on a completion date so that we can all move. My poor moving company is being very patient as my dates keep changing and they need to be with me for two days to pack up my house and then move me and doggy too!

I’m scared, anxious, excited, worried - just about every feeling. Tears are not far from the surface and I’m crying over ridiculous things!

I’ve been so touched by the amount of people in my village who’ve said they’re so sorry to see me go and that they’ll miss me and my smile and my cheery chats.

Even people I barely know have asked to keep in touch. It’s amazed me actually! I honestly thought no one would even notice or care that I’m going!

So although I’ve been really sad and stressed and have had my H on my mind a lot lately, it’s made me feel cared about and that I’m not invisible and that I’ve actually mattered in this village that’s been my home for over 4 1/2 years

I’ve felt safe here, secure in the house and garden that I made my own and helped with my healing.

But I am looking forward to my new chapter in my beautiful new home

Hugs to my dear friends

X



Online Nerissa

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Re: The Positives XXI
« Reply #43 on: July 12, 2018, 01:36:48 AM »
Are you moving far away?  I’m moving to a larger rental soon and that is stressful enough.  I’m really worried about actually buying alone, without someone beside me.  I’ve done 6 international moves so you would  think I’d be ok, but it’s so different alone and they were always postings and so temporary.

I’m sorry to hear your daughter is moving such a long way away.  My daughters have been such a support.  It must be painful to think how you  will miss her.  Mine are growing into adulthood and so I’ll see them less.  Like all of us, I expected to be enjoying this time with H, but he is deep in replay.

I’m enjoying the slightly cooler uk weather - had a lovely day with 2 daughters at Hampton court at the Royal School of Needlwork.  Feels awfully tame compared to H though!

Online Milly

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Re: The Positives XXI
« Reply #44 on: July 12, 2018, 03:18:24 AM »
Serenity, house moving is so stressful always so no wonder you're feeling anxious. Plus a house move in the heat, even worse. But you will get to the end of the paper work, you will get moved, and you might actually love where you end up. This is what happened to me. In Italy we say: Clench your teeth! Meaning just push on throw it and you'll get to the other side.

I am so sorry that your D is moving away, I know I've said this to you before. It is especially hard when we have a strong relationship with a D. Lots of new adjustments.

Regarding the heat, I think it's harder to tolerate in northern countries because the houses are woody and carpeted and have lots of glass. In Italy we open the windows during the night and the early morning but once it begins to heat up we close the windows or at least make them as dark as possible. It might be worth buying 1 fan since England has been getting hotter lately. I find sitting in front of the fan really helps me cool off and therefore calm down.

Thinking of you. You will get through this. xxx
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D23, D20, S13
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Online Savoir Faire

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Re: The Positives XXI
« Reply #45 on: July 12, 2018, 05:19:06 AM »
Hi Serenity,

I may sound calm, but many times when I am reading here or overthinking my situation, I have to get out of my chair and walk around the house until the  panic subsides.

Lots of things trigger me.  I try to remain calm and then I remember what happened to me and wonder how many other people whose life has been blown up can remain calm all the time and I  am not so hard on myself.

I have to do a lot more calming self talk these days, probably due to the PTSD following all the abuse.  the first hyear was pretty ordinary following BD.

No person should ever have to put up with that level of abuse.  MLCers who get to this level, could do with some time in jail to cool off. How dare a person abuse another without an ounce of feeling.  It's inhumane.

So my calmness is worked on and not always present.  After five years, you would think I would be better at this ::)
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Anjae

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Re: The Positives XXI
« Reply #46 on: July 12, 2018, 03:19:48 PM »
Hi Serenity,

Thank you for your post. My moving date continues to keep changing and everyone in the chain is getting very twitchy! I keep getting frantic calls from both estate agents and my solicitor! I’ve said to them all it’s out of my hands now - I’ve signed all my forms and paperwork and it’s now down to the solicitors to just do their jobs!

Moving often doesn't go as planned. In the end, all will work out well.

The moving reminded me that it was very easy to move to the capital with Mr J. We didn't had any fourniture aside from the sofa-bed from his bachelor bedroom, a vintage  office chair that used to belong to his grandparents, and a white cubes late 60's/early 70s - - bookcase that was on my maidem bedroom.

Most of what we took were my books, some 300 vynil records and our professional archive. Our flat was tiny and we didn't have much, other than books, records, magazines and art pieces.

Moving back was terrible for every single reason. It wasn't difficult per se, by brother took care of most of it, including driving the van. It was the situation in itself.

A few people whose life have been blow up may remain calm, but, at least when the blow happens/is going on many don't.

I found out that, unlike what I used to do at  first, going out and walk up and down city hills like a manic, what works better is to be quiet and silent. That crazy early walking only made the anxiety/stress worst because the adrenaline kicked in, making everything even more messier.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline serenityTopic starter

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Re: The Positives XXI
« Reply #47 on: July 14, 2018, 03:07:49 AM »
Hi Nerissa

Thanks for your post...
I’m only moving to a village that’s not far from where I am already. This is my third move alone - the last two were horrendous but I hope this will be better. I’ve employed a removal company that seem very nice.

I hope your moves goes smoothly for you and you feel at home there.

Glad you had a lovely day at Hampton court. It’s beautuful there but over a two hour drive so I don’t go very often.

None of us are living the lives we envisioned but all we can do is try and make the best of the hand we’ve been dealt. I still prefer my life to my H’s X

Hello dear Savvy,

Well you’re doing a good job of appearing calm and you had me fooled! 🤣

I guess us LBS’s are experts on painting on a brave face and appearing calm to the outside world. Everyone thinks I have it all together! Ha ha - if they only knew the truth!

Maybe I should have been an actress😉X

Hello dear Anjae,

Moving is a nightmare and I know I have way too much stuff. I’ve got rid of a lot, but still have loads and I also have a lot of my antique stock to move too. One of my sons stores a lot of his possessions with me too that takes up a lot of space!

I’m trying hard to remain calm after some awful anxiety/panic attacks and am practising what my yoga teacher taught me and also trying what S & D recommended which seems to help. I’ve also taken up swimming in a nearby pool. Normally I only do wild water swimming, but the pool is handy and clean and mostly empty so I can just swim endless lengths which helps too.

It appears I’ll mow be moving in August and not this month but I’ll keep you all updated

Wishing you all a lovely w/e

X



Offline Anjae

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Re: The Positives XXI
« Reply #48 on: July 14, 2018, 01:38:55 PM »
I guess us LBS’s are experts on painting on a brave face and appearing calm to the outside world. Everyone thinks I have it all together! Ha ha - if they only knew the truth!

We are. Or at least for a while we are. At a point we really become calm.  :)

Swimming is excellent.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline serenityTopic starter

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Re: The Positives XXI
« Reply #49 on: July 16, 2018, 12:34:30 PM »
This is a long, awful post but I need to just get things out..

It’s upsetting so please look away now unless in a good place...

I had an unusually, lovely w/e. Busy and fun. Party and then friends Saturday. Sunday was a day out with my granddaughter and eldest son.

The only upset was my eldest son talking about H. As I’ve mentioned this son has many many problems and things to overcome and finds life hard. He’s recently been going for lots interviews and trying to get a better job. Apparently H has been very unkind and put him down and made him feel bad about himself whilst H bragged about his own successes! Personally I felt H was projecting as he’s made such a mess of his life or just totally immersed and believing his own fantasy!!

I don’t care - I just don’t like seeing my S so upset and demoralised by his own father! Anyway we had a nice day with my granddaughter. We visited a bird sanctuary, paddles in a pretty river and had a little picnic and then ice creams.

So today I woke feeling so positive and happy - better than I’ve felt in a long time and went off to work in a happy mood.

Unexpectedly I got a phone call from a very old best friend (went to school together). I asked if all was ok and she said ‘no, my son is dead’. She’d just found him. I’m cryjng as I type this!

I cannot believe it. He was 28. He’s been a troubled young man for a long time and my poor, sweet friends’ life is a complete car crash.

Her sister died young, her dad is dead, her step dad is dead. Her first H (her sons father) ran off with another woman and her second H is in MLC. Her mother has dementia and she has no one.

Her friends seem to have turned their backs on her. She rang me and said I was all she’d got left. My heart is breaking for her. I wanted to say it’ll get better but she’s lost everything. I’m so frightened for her. She no longer wants to be here.

I had to leave work and I’ve just sat and cried. She’s in another part of UK and too far for me to get to. I feel helpless and can’t help feeling she must be in hell.

I’m so sorry I just needed to post and ask that anyone that is religious to pray for my dear, sweet friend and maybe everyone’s prayers will give her the strength to see her through this

Thank you for reading 😔

 

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