Author Topic: My Story The hills and valleys  (Read 1299 times)

Online stillbaffledTopic starter

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My Story The hills and valleys
« on: May 27, 2018, 10:55:59 AM »
If you're one of my groupies you'll remember that at the close of my last thread we were gearing up to have a fabulous pole barn party complete with a hot dog and lemonade stand! 

Dumbfounded wants to drive the combine that's still on my property. 

Nah wants everything that's still here to be listed on Craigslist.  I think she wants me to have funds to travel all over the world visiting forum friends.   ;)

I have a couple weeks of school left and then the text will be sent.  The text that tells Mr. Hider MLCer that he has XX amount of days to get his things removed from my property.  After said date they will become mine.  That pole barn is either going to be dismantled and removed trailer load by trailer load or it's going to remain here with me as a beacon of the strength that every LBS possesses.  In seven days the clock for MLCer will begin ticking....... 8)

I'm 2.5 years from BD.  Several people in RL had recommended a Divorce Care class to me that first year.  I looked into it because there had been folks here that had posted about attending the sessions.  For those of you that don't know about them it is a 13 week program where you meet once a week, usually in a church.  It is a scriptural based program with a DVD component, workbook and discussion group.  My church doesn't offer one but a church 25 miles from me does one every year.  I wasn't ready that first year.   I let the second year go by as well.  When the session was offered again this March I decided to enroll.  I have two weeks left. 

I am the only member in the class that is currently divorced.  Most of them are in the divorce process and a couple are separated and really seem to not have any idea what their spouse is going to do.  What I have found through the course, is additional confirmation that something just batcrap crazy happened to my husband.  I don't share much of my story there because I give my share of talking time to others who are in the gut wrenching and painful process of divorce.  Most of them have children still in school so are trying to co-parent with their STBX. 

But the interesting part is that with all they share most of them have what I would consider to be the typical divorce story.  The things I have shared have the facilitators and the rest of the class looking at me with looks of confusion and disbelief.  In fact, I think some of them might even think I'm there to just liven things up a bit with outlandish and unbelievable tales from an unknown land. 

After week three one of the female facilitators texted me and asked if she could buy me dinner one evening so she could hear my story.  She said I wasn't sharing enough in class and she just needed to hear more.  So, off we went to dinner and three hours later we left the restaurant with her shaking her head and saying, "Wow.  Just wow." 

Anyway, I don't know why I rambled on so about Divorce Care but if any newbies are reading this it might be something you are interested in looking into.  Last week's session was on forgiveness and very good but I already knew I wasn't there yet.   Hopefully I'll get there someday.  I have my good friend, time, to help me get there. 

I miss my old life.  It's gone and I can't get it back.   I continue to take a day at a time.  I try to be thankful for all that I have and I work hard to live life staying true to myself and my values. 

Most days I'm on the top of the hill, but I know I'll always have days where I'm in the valley. 

Thanks for continuing on with me.  Stay tuned for the continued saga of the pole barn.   ::)

Link to last thread:  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9804.0;all
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline CanLetGo

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #1 on: May 27, 2018, 03:25:26 PM »
Joining you of course Still. Thanks for sharing your divorce care story, good on you doing for doing it, anything that can help us on this terrible journey is a good thing 😊
Me 44
H 47
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014
OW 17 years younger

Offline Thunder

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #2 on: May 27, 2018, 05:00:41 PM »
Hi Still,

Following along, sweetheart.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline No expectations

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #3 on: May 27, 2018, 05:01:11 PM »
Following along,  SB.  Popcorn ready!
Married 10 1/2 years, together 17.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 49.  OW 23.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline BlueBird3

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #4 on: May 27, 2018, 06:33:47 PM »
Sorry I’m behind, but still check in every once in awhile.  I thought about divorce care, but think I’m well past that now.  We are actually starting mediation on Tuesday, we each had our intake last week....and as I was telling the mediators my story, they were flabbergasted to say the least...actually asked me....he left?  Then threw a tantrum when I started dating?  Mediator said....but he left...he has no say in what you do.  Then mediator asked me if he was having a midlife crisis!   This should be interesting. 

Offline Chookie

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #5 on: May 28, 2018, 01:13:06 AM »
Following along, Still. 😊
BD 29 Nov '13
Left home 8 June '14
Does not live with OW

Online Whyus

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #6 on: May 28, 2018, 01:38:06 AM »
This could get interesting still... your sounding good...
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 44
W: 44
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28. Trainings partner. Still together
2 Sons - 18 & 19
2 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Filed
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0
T10. http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9547.0

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #7 on: May 28, 2018, 03:22:06 AM »
Then I guess there will NOT be one of these parties....



Wonder if he'll react to the deadline... Any bets?
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Tyks

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #8 on: May 28, 2018, 03:27:21 AM »
Wouldn't miss the saga of the pole barn lol. Nevermind the meetup in Toronto, let's have the pole barn party lol
Me 48
Him 48
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out
D15 D18
April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce
Divorce final February 12 2018

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8823.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9005.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9120.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9279.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9649.msg635725#msg635725

Offline Acorn

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #9 on: May 28, 2018, 04:41:10 AM »
Following along, SB!
Could you please reserve a seat for me on the combine?  It’s on my bucket list.
Will set up a hotdog and ice cream stand and all proceeds will go to you as a payment for the ride. 
Do we have a deal?
« Last Edit: May 28, 2018, 04:42:19 AM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline FearNot

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #10 on: May 29, 2018, 12:35:15 PM »
SB! Congrats on your new thread!
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #11 on: May 29, 2018, 02:08:41 PM »
Following along SB. I didn’t realize you were only 2.5 years from BD. Clearly your Mlcer is in honors MLC.

I’ve often thought about the divorce care classes. Thanks for your insights.

Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline Milly

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #12 on: May 29, 2018, 02:56:29 PM »
Following, Still! Thanks for sharing your experience with the divorce care classes. I've never heard of them, but it helps to hear it confirmed that our MLC situations are bizarre even to the experience D people. As sad as that is, it is comforting to know our Hs lost their heads. Thank goodness we can come here and be completely understood, right? I mean, I bet none of us would think anything weird about your exH's behaviour. Someone here might even have 'weirder' to offer, and we still wouldn't bat an eye. We'd just be sympathetic with that LBS.

I like your determination about the 'text.' Wish I could have a wine stand there for you.
Millyxxx
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D23, D20, S13
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #13 on: May 30, 2018, 07:33:43 PM »
I think you rambled on about Divorce Care because it brings us comfort to understand that our H’s and W’s have really lost it - that what we are experiencing is not a regular divorce - that regular divorces exist and we don’t qualify.  And as Milly pointed out, thank goodness we are understood here.

I am nowhere near forgiveness either. I don’t even sweat it. No pressure... if I get there one day, great, if not .. oh well the Lord will have to deal with the sin I hold against them. I think it is better that I don’t have any desire for revenge. Wasted energy.

Sheesh... now I have to fight Acorn for the combine.  ;)
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #14 on: June 04, 2018, 07:09:10 PM »
Back from vacation SB.  You on Summer break now?
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10203.msg671589#msg671589

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Online stillbaffledTopic starter

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #15 on: June 04, 2018, 08:35:03 PM »
Thanks, you guys, for sticking with me for "summer purge"!   It's good to have my peeps in my corner.  Yeah, sure, I have RL friends, but they don't get any of this MLC craziness.  They won't even know that "summer purge" is going on at my place this summer.  Mr. and Mrs. SB are old news and Mr. SB and the new wifey are the buzz these days. 

CanLetGo - glad you popped in.  You haven't updated your thread for a bit.  How are things going? 

Thunder - I simply need to drive the three hours to you one day this summer and have a mini-meet!  It's long overdue!  I'll bring pics of the pole building! 

Chookie - seems that there may be some movement in your corner of the world with your MLCer getting back to his drawing.  I'll be following along.

Whyus - your post on your thread made me bust right out laughing tonight.  Thanks for that!  Do keep dropping in over here in pole building land. 

UM - wouldn't be the same without you and your fabulous gifs!  Keep em' coming.  However, there will be no burning of the building.  If he leaves it I'm going to use it! 

Tyks - good to have you along, neighbor to the north.  Hope things are going well with your new friend. 

Acorn - it's always good to have another Canuck along for the journey.  Although I don't think there is any possibility I'll ever be in a position of re-connection like you're in I do follow your thread and continue to hope things keep moving in the right direction for you and your H. 

FearNot - thanks for joining.  Come July 1st, you and I might both be knee deep in MLCers! 

KIT - I have virtually no contact at all with my MLCer and yours tells you you're the love of his life one day and then blocks you on his phone the next!  Glad you're aboard.

Milly - I wish you were here with a wine stand as well!  But none for Acorn and DF if they're going to drive the combine!   ;D

DF - I was hoping you'd be bringing your bada$$ self on over.  Man, I sure wish you lived closer and could waltz right up to my MLCer and say, "Hey, I'm SB's bada$$ lawyer buddy and I just took your combine out for a spin.  It needs some work."  LOL

FW - hey, you're back from the cruise!  Thanks for dropping in.  Hope you had a great time and made lots of memories.  Did the newbies like it?  Did anybody get seasick?! 
Nope - still in school.  Last day is Thursday. 

Got a text from MLCer this morning at work.  Why, oh why, does he keep doing that when he never gets an answer back until later that evening or even into the next day?!?  Jeez, talk about out of touch.   He wanted to know if he could have my permission to come on the property this morning and get some of his "stuff". 

Dude - the gate is locked and I thought I was clear that I'm going to be home when you are removing stuff from the property.   So at 9:00 tonight I sent a text back telling him I'd be home all day on Friday. 

So drop back in here Saturday if you are curious to know if he summoned up enough courage to be on the same 10 acres as me! 

Summer Purge is about to commence.   
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #16 on: June 05, 2018, 06:03:08 AM »
Quote from: stillbaffled
Got a text from MLCer this morning at work.  Why, oh why, does he keep doing that when he never gets an answer back until later that evening or even into the next day?!?  Jeez, talk about out of touch.   He wanted to know if he could have my permission to come on the property this morning and get some of his "stuff".



Quote from: stillbaffled
Dude - the gate is locked and I thought I was clear that I'm going to be home when you are removing stuff from the property.   So at 9:00 tonight I sent a text back telling him I'd be home all day on Friday. 



Quote from: stillbaffled
So drop back in here Saturday if you are curious to know if he summoned up enough courage to be on the same 10 acres as me! 

Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Thunder

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #17 on: June 05, 2018, 06:41:44 AM »
Unreal, still...sigh.   ???
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #18 on: June 05, 2018, 07:32:59 AM »
Great thread SB!  I love the validation from the divorce group. I beat my head against a brick wall trying to make sense of cray cray. When all that does is make me crazy
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Collaborative Divorce in process (to protect myself)
I don't think I'm standing, but who knows what the future brings.
Two Teenage boys
Me: 55
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #19 on: June 05, 2018, 09:06:52 AM »
Isn’t that the definition of crazy - doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result?
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline Acorn

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #20 on: June 05, 2018, 01:53:41 PM »
I’m taking bets.  As it stands, the odds are 10:1 that he will be no show on Friday. 
Feel free to increase/decrease the odds. 

OK, you have 10 acres.  How contagious are your cooties?  If it is extremely contagious, 10 acres are not going to provide enough quarantine space for him. 
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #21 on: June 06, 2018, 12:09:02 PM »
FW - hey, you're back from the cruise!  Thanks for dropping in.  Hope you had a great time and made lots of memories.  Did the newbies like it?  Did anybody get seasick?! 
Nope - still in school.  Last day is Thursday.

We had a great time!  I finally got all my photos uploaded to FB today.  We had a scary thing happen with D16 that turned out okay, was just a bit of seasickness I guess, but she had ordered a virgin pina colada at the comedy club at the back of the ship at the same time that SIL's sister ordered a regular one.  Shortly after the show, she started complaining of feeling sick.  I bought her some Bonine and gave it to her and she went and laid down for a bit as the rest of us assembled at the front of the ship for the nightly show.  I texted her on the cruise app and she described her symptoms, which suspiciously matched what I feel when I'm drunk.  Dizzy, and hot (flushed).  I looked back at my SIL in horror and said "there's no way they got her and K's drink mixed up, right?  She isn't drunk, is she?!?"  S18 and nephew 17 thought this was hilarious.  A few minutes later D16 joined us and said she was feeling better, so the Bonine, bottle of water and a lie down must have helped pretty quickly.  I asked her about her drink and she nixed the idea of them switching, as hers came without the side pineapple and cherry, so that they would not mix them up on accident, so that's good!

Got a text from MLCer this morning at work.  Why, oh why, does he keep doing that when he never gets an answer back until later that evening or even into the next day?!?  Jeez, talk about out of touch.   He wanted to know if he could have my permission to come on the property this morning and get some of his "stuff". 

Dude - the gate is locked and I thought I was clear that I'm going to be home when you are removing stuff from the property.   So at 9:00 tonight I sent a text back telling him I'd be home all day on Friday. 

So drop back in here Saturday if you are curious to know if he summoned up enough courage to be on the same 10 acres as me! 

Summer Purge is about to commence.   

I'm betting no, haha!
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10203.msg671589#msg671589

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline Kanvan

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #22 on: June 06, 2018, 01:44:28 PM »
Following along SB on your journey :)
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1

You'll search for me inside of everyone you're with and I won't be found." R.H. Sin.

M-48
H-46
S27,S21, S16
Married 12/10/1994
Divorced 4/10/2018
23 years of marriage
BD- June 22, 2017 Moved in with OW-June 24th, 2017
Standing although divorced

Offline nah

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #23 on: June 06, 2018, 02:16:09 PM »
I still think you should text back, “What stuff?”
H-53
me-51
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...semi-vanisher

Offline Thunder

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #24 on: June 06, 2018, 02:27:23 PM »
 Love it!  What stuff?    ???

10 to 1 sounds pretty good to me.  Especially if he knows you're going to be there.
The terror of it all.

With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline Tyks

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #25 on: June 06, 2018, 02:44:54 PM »
Wow, 10 acres... We could have a pretty good HS party !
Me 48
Him 48
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out
D15 D18
April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce
Divorce final February 12 2018

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8823.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9005.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9120.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9279.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9649.msg635725#msg635725

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #26 on: June 07, 2018, 07:56:40 PM »
Divorce class sounds great SB, it's good for all of us to get some help and guidance.

I do think giving your H a timeline for removing the stuff will probably fall through unless there is a loop-hole for you to do this legally. 

I'm with Ursa on burning the thing ;D
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Online stillbaffledTopic starter

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #27 on: June 07, 2018, 08:01:26 PM »

I do think giving your H a timeline for removing the stuff will probably fall through unless there is a loop-hole for you to do this legally. 


The deadline, legally, was LAST August first.  If he can't get it together to have it done by this August first the "stuff" and the pole building are mine!  Well, actually they are legally mine right now but I have to be able to live with myself and I want all the other crap of his that is junk off my property. 

So......Summer Purge has officially begun.   

Man up and show up, MLCer, and let's get this purge party started tomorrow!   8)
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #28 on: June 07, 2018, 08:34:49 PM »
I wish I lived next door with a huge window to your pole barn. All the LBS's could come over and watch while eating delicious delicacies and sipping cocktails.  Better than a concert (almost).
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Still Half full

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #29 on: June 08, 2018, 06:03:50 AM »
Thinking about you SB

Hope he man ups,  but ...... knowing what we know about MLC crazy I think the chances are pretty slim of him coming today

But if he does I hope it doesn't upset you and know you'll handle it with class, don't let him nudge that crown off your lovely head 😊
At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H seeing OW again while living with his parents 5 minutes from me
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #30 on: June 08, 2018, 05:57:56 PM »
Well... checking to see what transpired today....
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Online stillbaffledTopic starter

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #31 on: June 08, 2018, 09:30:29 PM »
LOL, DF. 

Let it be known that the combine is still available for you to drive!!   ;D

Nary a word from the hider.  Not one trailer load of stuff leaving my back yard.  Not one little screw backed out of the tin on that giant shed.  As predicted....he was a no show!

Sunday night the text goes out with the deadline date.  I thought about sending it out tonight but I have several graduation receptions to attend tomorrow and Sunday and didn't want to ruin my weekend.  One of those receptions is for his niece!  It's his brother's daughter.  I had asked if there was anything I could do to help out.  I offered to bring a large bowl of fresh fruit and she was happy to accept my offer.  I am grateful to still be considered auntie even though there's a new auntie in town!   

I have to be there at the beginning of the open house and it only lasts for two hours so there's a pretty good chance I'm going to see MLCer's mother and stepfather.  Not looking forward to that but I'm going with my girlfriend, the motorcycle chick, who is a bada$$ when she needs to be so at least I won't be there alone.  Also, FIL and stepMIL will be there and we'll be sitting with them. 

Now the real fun will start if MLCer, new wifey, and stepdaughter show up!   :o    If so, I'm going to take a page from Nah's book and totally ignore wifey and stepdaughter.  If MLCer actually shows up I'll deliver my Summer Purge message in person. 

I'm betting that I'll be delivering the Summer Purge message by text on Sunday night.   ;)
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline Still Half full

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #32 on: June 09, 2018, 04:40:00 AM »
Hope you have a lovely time at the receptions

It's so maddening that the ripples from our MLC antics ripple out and we have to be prepared for family events that would normally be so pleasurable. I hope you are able to enjoy your niece,s party

We've both had the most basic texts from our H's this week which have shown us that they are still stuck in MLC, it's astonishing how long they can stay stuck 😳

Have a great weekend SB
At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H seeing OW again while living with his parents 5 minutes from me
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

Online OffRoad

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #33 on: June 09, 2018, 10:22:52 AM »
You're a better man than i,  Gunga Din. The day after my H's deadline of last December, I started the purge, bus its gon to take a while.  . I had to inform D today that her father is no longer entitled to anything in the house. (She kept packing it up to give to him in December, but he couldn't be bothered to do it himself.) She seemed disappointed, but accepted it. If he wants it, and I still have it, he can come get it. But only if I'm here. I'm not unreasonable. I'm also not a storage shed. She actually wanted the surfboard. I said ok on the condition that you give it back to me when you no longer want it. She asked why (I am certain she thought she could just give it to her dad) I said I might want to use it for a decoration (which would be in  keeping with the tiki room) She then said ok.
 
And sure, maybe it's petty, but he had ample time to get his things. He doesn't get to just do whatever he wants and I'll be the nice guy. I'm so done with that. Time for me to be the nice guy to me.

Good luck getting your space back. It'd be so much easier if he'd just come and get it all, but maybe you can make a little money. :)

When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline Thunder

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #34 on: June 10, 2018, 06:51:51 AM »
Still, no surprise there.  He is afraid to come to the property knowing you will be there, OR his dorky W is afraid to let him go.

I guess I would make it very clear to him that those things are "legally" yours now, but if he still wants them then..here is the last deadline.  Your last chance to get them, or I toss them.

I don't remember, did he ever get his rifles?
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Online stillbaffledTopic starter

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #35 on: June 10, 2018, 09:47:34 PM »
Thunder - I am in possession of the rifles and shotguns - I think there are 13 of them in the safe. 

Well, the weekend was a busy one.  Several graduation open houses to attend and then some lake time at the cabin today with my sister-in-law and lovely niece and family.  Oh, and I mowed lawn and did a few chores too. 

But let's get back to a couple of these open houses, shall we?  MLCer's two nieces (sisters) had receptions this weekend.  One graduated from high school (I have to quit writing HS because FaithWalker keeps misinterpreting  it and thinks I'm talking about Hero's Spouse) and the older one from college. 

One reception was Saturday at a community center.  I really didn't expect to see MLCer and the new wifey but I knew I'd see his mother and stepfather.  Yup....they were there.  I had bada$$ biker girlfriend with me and I purposely avoided any kind of contact with them for the couple hours we were there visiting.  Plus.....his father and stepmom (who I still refer to as FIL and MIL) sat at our table for the luncheon. 

MLCer's other brother and family showed up and of course they came over and joined our table as well. 

Last night I reflected on the afternoon and just ended up shaking my head at the craziness of my MLCer.  He willingly and purposefully is giving up a relationship with his brothers and their families, as well as his father and stepmom for this new life he's determined to have.  And how crazy is his mother to not see that as well!?!  As she sat there yesterday and watched (and my girlfriend said she kept staring at me) her grandchildren and her other sons interact with me how could she not come to the logical conclusion that something is very very firetrucked up with her kid?!?!

Moving on to today's open house for the older sibling we just did a rinse and repeat of yesterday.  Pretty much the same scenario but with fewer people because it was a college graduation and was held at their home.  Bada$$ girlfriend and I again attended together and I steered myself clear of MLCer's mother and his stepfather.   I can't help but wonder what his mother was thinking seeing me at both events while her son and new DIL chose not to attend.  Heck, for all I know, they weren't even invited.   ???

I was just too busy this weekend to get a text out to him so guess I'll get that done right away tomorrow morning.  You know.....the one where I tell him that he has until such and such date this summer to get his stuff and that giant pole building off my property.  After said date it won't be leaving with him.  EVER! 

Sheesh......I've been pretty level headed about this stupid pole building and his crap but I'm guessing he's going to try and make me get really riled up before this is all said and done.  I hope you guys aren't going to have to swoop in and settle me down! 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #36 on: June 11, 2018, 03:21:32 AM »
Sheesh......I've been pretty level headed about this stupid pole building and his crap but I'm guessing he's going to try and make me get really riled up before this is all said and done.  I hope you guys aren't going to have to swoop in and settle me down!

You mean, like this?

Just be your bada$$ self....

Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline nah

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #37 on: June 11, 2018, 04:41:28 AM »
I agree with UM....

You should change your name to bad@ss.
H-53
me-51
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...semi-vanisher

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #38 on: June 11, 2018, 10:32:33 AM »
The stuff that is important to these MLCers is mind boggling. Nothing, and I mean nothing comes before these nasty OW and their own selfishness.... spouse, family, kids, job, reputation... they just blow it all up and act like it is all the right thing to do.

My brother is in the process of blowing up his life now. He has dropped all of his lifelong friends, is MIA from his family and, rumor has it, is living in a house with three other "people in the same situation as him".  :o   What situation?  My SIL says that she has no idea where to find him in an earthquake.  As sibling of a MLCer, I don't get it either.    They have plumb lost their dang minds. 
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #39 on: June 11, 2018, 11:56:35 AM »
He doesn't get to just do whatever he wants and I'll be the nice guy. I'm so done with that. Time for me to be the nice guy to me.  - I just love this!
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Collaborative Divorce in process (to protect myself)
I don't think I'm standing, but who knows what the future brings.
Two Teenage boys
Me: 55
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline Ropeburn

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #40 on: June 11, 2018, 12:20:30 PM »
Still coming along
   My stbx guns and father's ashes ,deer heads etc. Are still here with me. I sign papers tomorrow and I had put in them that he has 30 days to collect ,...now I'm wondering what good that will do
We are never so defenseless against suffering as when we love,never so helplessly unhappy  as when we have lost our love object or its love
Sigmund Freud

Online stillbaffledTopic starter

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #41 on: June 11, 2018, 01:11:56 PM »
Sent a text early this morning:

After August 1st nothing will be leaving my property.

Within minutes I received this back:

Ok when can i start i have a little time today

My response:

Any time today.


It's late afternoon now and I've not seen him.  But then again it's been pouring rain for the last several hours!   :)

UM - I love the gif - man, I'd love to blow that baby up with the stuff that's still in it too! 

DF - I wondered what was happening with your brother.  How sad for you and your family.  And doubly sad for your SIL and the kids.   You are correct - absolutely nothing comes before their own selfishness and the OW.

Ropeburn - in 30 days you'll either be rid of his stuff or you'll get to decide what to do with it.  If you need suggestions, Nah will be along to offer you a few, as will quite a few other HS members.  These guys have great ideas!   ;D

 



After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline Ropeburn

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #42 on: June 11, 2018, 01:21:40 PM »
 Lol still
    I have quiet and imagination about that,,,all but ashes will give those to Mil
We are never so defenseless against suffering as when we love,never so helplessly unhappy  as when we have lost our love object or its love
Sigmund Freud

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #43 on: June 11, 2018, 10:14:43 PM »
Bet you still haven't seen him ;D
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Ropeburn

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #44 on: June 12, 2018, 10:24:37 AM »
SF
   Nope and don't want to for while at lawyers right now and I'm doing good
We are never so defenseless against suffering as when we love,never so helplessly unhappy  as when we have lost our love object or its love
Sigmund Freud

Online stillbaffledTopic starter

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #45 on: June 12, 2018, 01:58:08 PM »
Well, well, well......guess who I just spent an hour with!?!?   ::)

I went to the neighboring town 10 minutes away this morning to work in my garden plot in the community garden.  It's fenced and I just had to give up trying to garden at home until I can afford to have a nice high fence put up all the way around it.  Stupid deer and wild turkeys anyway!  As I was getting ready to leave I got a text from MLCer saying he had an hour to get some things. 

An hour?!  Dude----you have weeks worth of work to do here.  I was pretty sure he only wanted permission to cherry pick and get something he needed/wanted.  I sent a text back saying the gate was open and headed home. 

Sure enough, when I got there he was backed into the big pole building and was walking around looking at stuff.  Well, no time like the present for me to spend a little time with the new guy so out there I went.  Now I'd been gardening so I had on jeans and a t-shirt, my hair in a ponytail sticking out the back of my cool Under Armour cap, and my very cool Maui Jim aviator sunglasses!   8)   However, I sure wasn't as dressed to the nines as SF was when she paid her MLCer a visit!  Took my work gloves with me as well. 

By the time I got out there he had pulled out of the shed and had backed around to a big pile of stuff and was loading just what he came for!  A huge roll of barbed wire and about a 100 steel fence posts that were laying on the ground.  Aw.....so the new wifey needs fence put up on the new property for her horses.  Sheesh I don't know how the guy can walk with the grip she's got on his "you know whats". 

I didn't say a word.  Just started putting steel fence posts in the back of his truck.  There we were....just two strangers working together.  Weird feeling for sure.  I kept thinking, "Who is this guy?" 

I figured I'd ask what I needed answers for after we got done loading.  But oops....not before he tossed some fence posts in too high and busted out the whole back window of his pickup!!   ;D     I wasn't looking when it happened but I heard him drop the F bomb and I turned around to see what was left of the back window.  I wanted to laugh.  I really did but I just stood there while he ranted about how now his "F"ing day was ruined and he had just replaced that window.  I don't know if he was talking to me because he wasn't looking at me.  Maybe he was just talking to himself.  At any rate I didn't say a word.  We finished loading the rest of the them and then he got in the back seat of his truck and knocked all the remaining glass back into the truck bed. 

Oh good....time for chatting.  I asked about the pole building.  He still intends to take it down.  I asked who would be helping him.  He said he was going to hire a guy.  He gave me the name and said they'd have the tin off in two days and it could be down in a week's time!  Huh?!?  Dude----do you remember how long it took us to get it down when we bought it?!?!  I simply told him I would need more than a 2 minute advance notice when that dismantling was going to start.  He said it would be after the fourth of July.  Whatever. 

Then we walked around to all the piles of scrap and other assorted junk and into the other out building.  He just kept walking around and looking at stuff.  He never mentioned any of the valuable stuff that I still have in the house.  Neither did I.  All I know is he's going to be spending a LOT of time in my back yard in the next 6 weeks if he keeps his word and takes all of the crap that's out there that's his, as well as dismantling the building too. 

He did most of the talking.  I've had 2.5 years to prepare for this purge and I knew if I let myself I would say many many things that I've never, ever gotten to say.  I knew I had to just zip my lips.   :-X     

I really wanted to say so many things.   But what's the point?  I will never get any answers that make any sense because none of it makes any sense to begin with.  He blew up our lives and nearly crushed me. 

I haven't seen or spoken to him since last August.  He looks pretty much like the man I've always known.  He's gained a bit of weight back from that first year where he lost quite a bit to impress the OW.  His eyes didn't have the possessed, shark look that they did the night of BD but when I look at him and talk to him it's like I really don't even know who he is now.  I think of all the history we have shared, including back to high school days and all the great memories that I've hung on to. 

He has worked hard at erasing many many years of his past.  Unlike many of you, I don't wish him well and I don't hope he's happy.  I just want him to take everything from here that needs to be gone and like Treasur, I suspect I'll never have any contact with him again.  Sadly, because he refused to take his shiny new life out of this tiny town I'll still have to occasionally meet him and/or her on the road and I suppose I'll end of up having to be in the same place as them in the future.  But I don't wish to have a friendship or idle conversation with him while he is this man that is so incredibly disappointing. 

So folks, Summer Purge, has begun.  It won't be a fun summer for me but I'm glad it's finally happening and he and his things will be off my property. 

But hey.....I did laugh after he left replaying that broken back window in his pickup!!   ;D

After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #46 on: June 12, 2018, 03:22:50 PM »
Don’t get your hopes up too high SB. Do you really think OW is going to let him spend that much time at your place with you? I am betting on the Pole Barn myself.

I see LB a lot for basketball. I know that feeling of “who is this guy?” I spent 20 years of my life with a person who is now a total stranger to me. How can that be? It is indeed an odd feeling. I don’t wish LB well either - I wish for karma to deliver to him exactly what he deserves.
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline Still Half full

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #47 on: June 12, 2018, 04:13:00 PM »
It doesn't matter how much I read here, I'm still astounded by MLC behaviour 😳

You spent an hour loading and he didn't say anything regarding the situation 😳 I know they're living in avoidance, but he was at the home you shared, with you, the person he's spent most of his life with, and nothing

I know that I couldn't be as cool as you, there's no way I could keep my lips zipped, so maybe it's a good job mine's still a scaredy cat hider 😄

It sounds like he needs to spend a lot of time at yours if he continues the process, and I agree that stupid six surnames is not going to be able to handle him spending so much time there, so I guess there's a chance that he might not come back, reality seems to be something these MLCer's can't handle

And how you managed not to laugh when he broke his window, I'll never know 😂

Quote
while he is this man that is so incredibly disappointing. 

This is such a sad but true statement

Hope seeing him hasn't unsettled you too much
At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H seeing OW again while living with his parents 5 minutes from me
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #48 on: June 12, 2018, 05:09:29 PM »
I was laughing hard at your outfit SB, I bet you looked so much better than he ever remembered and SOOOO much better than the stupid ow.  Remember, I had weeks of planning before turning up on my xH's doorstep, I even wonder if he noticed me at all - such fog in his brain.

Your description of the time spent with your xH was almost exactly like mine.  We spent 30 years together and he can't even be bothered asking me how I am or discuss anything about our former lives together.  Avoidance is so huge for them and I am positive they just can't face talking about these things as it muddles their brain and leads to them not sleeping and monkey braining much more than we ever do.  I am sure it causes them physical pain to remember the good times they have so conveniently forgotten and rewritten.

Looks like glass is in vogue with MLCers at the moment ;D  I laughed when you described your xH and his broken back window, as mine was swinging the mirror I took to him around so much and he was so physically uncomfortable, I was sure he was going to drop the stupid thing.

I also had so many questions which I already knew the answers to so needn't ask ::)  But I knew I would be told a bunch of lies if I asked or got a serve of monster worse than I was already getting, so I left it alone.  I listened and looked at him closely and found it difficult to believe I had been married to this man I no longer recognize as the man who had integrity and looked after us so beautifully for so many years.  I just allowed him to keep growling on about his terrible life ( the one he chose BTW ;) )

I had  strange feeling he actually liked me turning up (ego stuff) but also needed me gone as it made him feel terribly guilty having to look at me again.  No wonder we get angry monster rather than the lovely H we knew.  They  want to keep telling themselves they are doing the right thing by leaving and divorcing us but they do have an inkling they may just be wrong about that.

I was also astounded at how much I could read what he was thinking while he was talking, it was like being able to see his thought processes.  I could see he was incapable of thinking anything alternative to what he was saying as he had told himself over and over that his lies were true.  I could feel the wall he had built to protect himself from facing his own demons, like a perspex panel between us that shielded him from reality.

My xH's eyes were also not as dark as before but the rote nature of the re-telling of his old life has become real for him and I have no doubt he will continue this re-telling until rock bottom.

I don't envy you over the next few weeks SB, but I am also thinking he may not turn up most of the time, they don't have the energy for normal human stuff in alien land.

I always think the day they wake up and see the error of their ways would be super epic.

I also don't want mine to be happy or live a great life.  His choices have consequences and the things he has done need to be faced by him and I deserve an apology at the least.

It's all just smoke (fog) and mirrors for us SB ;D  Isn't it ironic!
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #49 on: June 12, 2018, 07:15:06 PM »
Ok... I am still laughing about the truck window. I don’t know how you kept it together.
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline Tyks

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #50 on: June 13, 2018, 03:58:44 AM »
Wow, just wow. No conversation after so long. They are so lost. I hope it costs him more to replace the window than the fence posts are worth lol.

I feel the same about wishing them well. I often wish that xh will choke on his own drool.
Me 48
Him 48
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out
D15 D18
April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce
Divorce final February 12 2018

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8823.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9005.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9120.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9279.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9649.msg635725#msg635725

Offline Mitzpah

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #51 on: June 13, 2018, 05:25:44 AM »
SB,

Congrats on your cool demeanor!

It is so true that they will not touch on anything worthwhile talking about.

I am sure that six surnames will not be happy about the length of time he will be spending on your property, my h. now does not come over when I am at home... Fortunately, I work long hours so he can spend time working on his motorcycle in our garage with the kids during the day  :P  that is, when he stops working again (he is in a temporary consulting position)  ::)

The back window  :o  good on you for not laughing in his face!
M 56
H 56
S 26
S 24
D 23
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline nah

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #52 on: June 13, 2018, 05:56:55 AM »
Ah, the shattered window.  It would have taken everything I had not to shrug my shoulders and calmly say, "just like our hopes and dreams"...  ;D  ;D

So he did it,... he sucked it up and popped the "go get the stuff" cherry?  And it's not over?  He has to come back for more?

I think whether you care or not you passed his test.  Even how you were dressed, you showed your life is not all about attacking him AND not all about getting him back.  Well, you might have surprised him.  I fully believe he was 10x's more nervous about seeing you than you were about seeing him.  Not only was it your "turf", he's the one that has everything to be guilty about AND embarrassed.  Let's face it, no matter how much he tries to justify, even he knows being husband number 5 is ridiculous.  Plus, now he has had more time with this crazy idiot and the novelty has worn off by now.  Ick, sitting in his bad decisions and now he stepped back in time and saw a piece of the life he used to have, hmmm,.... maybe this place wasn't as bad as he had worked up in his mind, maybe seeing you wasn't as bad as he had worked up in his mind.  I have to wonder why that window was broken, was somebody's mind somewhere else?  In the past perhaps?  Just a guess.

So he has to come back.  Again, I would keep expectations low, wait for him to say something to you.  Maybe he will, maybe he won't. 

In the early days, I used to beg, plead, please, please, please just give me a crumb, some answers, who is this person?  Do I have a chance?  How long did you feel this way?...  He shut me down hard.  Nothing, not one crumb.  Then, one time,... we were discussing finances over breakfast (we did this only once), out of nowhere he looked up and said, "You must hate me"...

Damn, I after being shut down so many times I wasn't at all ready for this question. 

You just never know if or when they just might open up a hair if you don't push.

Anyways, you played it perfectly.  I have a feeling you are going to have an interesting summer.

H-53
me-51
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...semi-vanisher

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #53 on: June 13, 2018, 06:14:10 AM »
Oh boy—the karma bus in the form of a broken window. I would not have been as cool as you for sure. And I love Nah’s response about broken dreams—lmao!

Yeah I’m not a saintly person wishing my H well either. I mean, I wish I could be. Maybe that would bring me peace. But no, I’m not even close. So I get it SB.  And like Nah said, how could he possibly be happy or at peace with the psycho serial marrier?

I’m glad you got this interaction out of the way. I’m sure he was literally sh!tting himself with anxiety over this meeting. And now it’s out of the way. Yay. The pole barn though? Yeah, that’ll never happen. Poor baby probably won’t be able to sleep for a week after this brief interaction. Pole barn dismantling might just kill him. Or at least destroy the rest of his truck.  ;D
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #54 on: June 13, 2018, 06:25:27 AM »
Quote from: KeepItTogether
Pole barn dismantling might just kill him. Or at least destroy the rest of his truck.

That's it, you are going to Hades for THAT comment.... ROFL

Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Thunder

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #55 on: June 13, 2018, 08:03:25 AM »
UM...for shame.  tee hee

I would be very surprised if he comes to get much else, Still.
I think it was much harder on him then you know.  Of course then there is the goofball wifey who will be making sure he is not around you too much.

You may just end up with the pole barn and other goodies you can either sell, or give away.  Stick to your timeline.

Just remember, he gets nothing from inside the house until ALL his crap is gone, not just what he wants to take.   ;D
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline Ropeburn

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #56 on: June 13, 2018, 08:11:22 AM »
SB
    Oh my goodness I would have busted a gut laughing .
I do not wish my EXH rainbows and unicorns either . I think the karma train will wreck on his doorstep one day . I don't want him to die bad health etc ,but karma oh yeah

   Kit lol I can see his truck one part at a time lmao
We are never so defenseless against suffering as when we love,never so helplessly unhappy  as when we have lost our love object or its love
Sigmund Freud

Offline FearNot

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #57 on: June 13, 2018, 11:22:01 AM »
Ah, the shattered window.  It would have taken everything I had not to shrug my shoulders and calmly say, "just like our hopes and dreams"...  ;D  ;


Bahahahaa Nah!

 I don't know how you didn't laugh SB! The ability to zip it that I read about some of you LBS's having is phenomenal! I can only hope that I can continue in that manner.

You handle it with great class SB!!

M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Shocked

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #58 on: June 13, 2018, 12:28:05 PM »
SB!!! I am soooooooo proud of you!!!!
I can’t believe you went out and helped him!!! IMHO he was rattled by that and your calmness and that broken window is a result of that!!!! (UM I’m snickering too!!) My other guess is he will not tell Mrs No6 that you helped him. Can you imagine that conversation??!!!
He will be back and I think you’re right he will misjudge the amount of time needed. Will you help him again? I’m curious why you did help him? I do think you played your hand well!
I care🤗
H 51
W 58
M 22 Years
2 AD both married from my first M
BD 12/15 moved out-in replay, vanisher, MOW in Atlanta
D 2/17

Online OffRoad

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #59 on: June 13, 2018, 02:49:25 PM »
I'm sorry. We all know the narrative to Mrs. No 6 will be: "SB broke the window. I told her not to help, but she just threw the poles in anyway."

Amiwrong?

When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline Acorn

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #60 on: June 13, 2018, 05:40:53 PM »
You can’t make this stuff up.  Broke the car window.  What next?!
You handled yourself admirably.  Him?  Not so much.  It sounds like he was flustered and embarrassed.  No wonder he broke the window.  O well, I hope he got an earful from what-da-ya-call-her. 

Don’t forget I reserved my seat on the combine.  It’s on my bucket list.  DF, you can have a go at it first because you asked first.
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Online stillbaffledTopic starter

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #61 on: June 13, 2018, 07:26:10 PM »
I'm sorry. We all know the narrative to Mrs. No 6 will be: "SB broke the window. I told her not to help, but she just threw the poles in anyway."

Amiwrong?

OR - I did think that maybe he'd try to spin that but whatever.   I've never spoken to her in 2.5 years and I could care less what she or her daughter think of me.  MLCer and I both know the truth and pretty much anybody else in this town he'd try to sell that story to would not fall for it. 

Shocked - I went out there to "help" him because if it in any way makes him anxious or feeling a tad guilty I have accomplished my mission.  He has avoided me as much as he possibly can.  Every time he plans on being here I will be out there.  I may not always be helping because I have 15 cords of wood to stack and many other things that need to be done around here this summer.  But rest assured, I'll be out there so that even though he erased me and his previous life he'll have to see me every time he returns to the home we shared. 

Nah - I wish I'd thought of saying that.  But even if I had said it, I'm betting he'd have looked at me like I was crazy.  There is no indication whatsoever that he ever had any kind of relationship with me.  I would be shocked if he ever looked at me and said, "You must hate me...."   After every thing is removed and gone I'm guessing he won't ever contact me again and I sure won't be contacting him.  I don't even know who he is. 

Thunder - everything will be staying in the house until the all the crap out back is gone.  He didn't even ask about inside stuff. 

KIT - It would be poetic justice if his truck took more hits getting everything out of here.

As for the new wifey - I don't think she minds one bit that he'll have to spend time here.  Remember, she has convinced at least 5 different men to get a marriage license so her self esteem is pretty up there.  She's eight years younger than me and I bet she won't be at all bothered by little old me.  What will bother her is the time he has to spend here wrapping up his old life because he isn't available to do her every bidding. 

UM -  :D

Acorn - he did mention the combine.  Wants to leave it in the building under cover until right before he starts the dismantling.  When it leaves I'll video it on my phone and send it to a few members here that have my cell number.  It will no doubt be epic because it can't fit down the driveway because of the gate installation last August. 



After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #62 on: June 14, 2018, 11:22:08 AM »


I wonder what happened that he had just gotten it replaced?  Seems like all is not well in MLC world.  I love that you had a front row seat to the action.



Definitely sounds like MLCer was a bit anxious around you.   ;D

M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10203.msg671589#msg671589

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

 

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