Author Topic: My Story The hills and valleys  (Read 3713 times)

Offline stillbaffledTopic starter

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My Story The hills and valleys
« on: May 27, 2018, 10:55:59 AM »
If you're one of my groupies you'll remember that at the close of my last thread we were gearing up to have a fabulous pole barn party complete with a hot dog and lemonade stand! 

Dumbfounded wants to drive the combine that's still on my property. 

Nah wants everything that's still here to be listed on Craigslist.  I think she wants me to have funds to travel all over the world visiting forum friends.   ;)

I have a couple weeks of school left and then the text will be sent.  The text that tells Mr. Hider MLCer that he has XX amount of days to get his things removed from my property.  After said date they will become mine.  That pole barn is either going to be dismantled and removed trailer load by trailer load or it's going to remain here with me as a beacon of the strength that every LBS possesses.  In seven days the clock for MLCer will begin ticking....... 8)

I'm 2.5 years from BD.  Several people in RL had recommended a Divorce Care class to me that first year.  I looked into it because there had been folks here that had posted about attending the sessions.  For those of you that don't know about them it is a 13 week program where you meet once a week, usually in a church.  It is a scriptural based program with a DVD component, workbook and discussion group.  My church doesn't offer one but a church 25 miles from me does one every year.  I wasn't ready that first year.   I let the second year go by as well.  When the session was offered again this March I decided to enroll.  I have two weeks left. 

I am the only member in the class that is currently divorced.  Most of them are in the divorce process and a couple are separated and really seem to not have any idea what their spouse is going to do.  What I have found through the course, is additional confirmation that something just batcrap crazy happened to my husband.  I don't share much of my story there because I give my share of talking time to others who are in the gut wrenching and painful process of divorce.  Most of them have children still in school so are trying to co-parent with their STBX. 

But the interesting part is that with all they share most of them have what I would consider to be the typical divorce story.  The things I have shared have the facilitators and the rest of the class looking at me with looks of confusion and disbelief.  In fact, I think some of them might even think I'm there to just liven things up a bit with outlandish and unbelievable tales from an unknown land. 

After week three one of the female facilitators texted me and asked if she could buy me dinner one evening so she could hear my story.  She said I wasn't sharing enough in class and she just needed to hear more.  So, off we went to dinner and three hours later we left the restaurant with her shaking her head and saying, "Wow.  Just wow." 

Anyway, I don't know why I rambled on so about Divorce Care but if any newbies are reading this it might be something you are interested in looking into.  Last week's session was on forgiveness and very good but I already knew I wasn't there yet.   Hopefully I'll get there someday.  I have my good friend, time, to help me get there. 

I miss my old life.  It's gone and I can't get it back.   I continue to take a day at a time.  I try to be thankful for all that I have and I work hard to live life staying true to myself and my values. 

Most days I'm on the top of the hill, but I know I'll always have days where I'm in the valley. 

Thanks for continuing on with me.  Stay tuned for the continued saga of the pole barn.   ::)

Link to last thread:  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9804.0;all
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Online CanLetGo

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #1 on: May 27, 2018, 03:25:26 PM »
Joining you of course Still. Thanks for sharing your divorce care story, good on you doing for doing it, anything that can help us on this terrible journey is a good thing 😊
Me 45
H 48
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014, D June 2018
OW 17 years younger

Offline Thunder

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #2 on: May 27, 2018, 05:00:41 PM »
Hi Still,

Following along, sweetheart.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline No expectations

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #3 on: May 27, 2018, 05:01:11 PM »
Following along,  SB.  Popcorn ready!
Married 11 1/2 years, together 18.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 50. OW 23.  Moved back 4/18.  Reconnecting and working on our M.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline BlueBird3

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #4 on: May 27, 2018, 06:33:47 PM »
Sorry I’m behind, but still check in every once in awhile.  I thought about divorce care, but think I’m well past that now.  We are actually starting mediation on Tuesday, we each had our intake last week....and as I was telling the mediators my story, they were flabbergasted to say the least...actually asked me....he left?  Then threw a tantrum when I started dating?  Mediator said....but he left...he has no say in what you do.  Then mediator asked me if he was having a midlife crisis!   This should be interesting. 

Offline Chookie

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #5 on: May 28, 2018, 01:13:06 AM »
Following along, Still. 😊
BD 29 Nov '13
Left home 8 June '14
Does not live with OW

Online Whyus

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #6 on: May 28, 2018, 01:38:06 AM »
This could get interesting still... your sounding good...
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #7 on: May 28, 2018, 03:22:06 AM »
Then I guess there will NOT be one of these parties....



Wonder if he'll react to the deadline... Any bets?
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Tyks

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #8 on: May 28, 2018, 03:27:21 AM »
Wouldn't miss the saga of the pole barn lol. Nevermind the meetup in Toronto, let's have the pole barn party lol
Me 48
Him 48
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out
D15 D18
April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce
Divorce final February 12 2018

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8823.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9005.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9120.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9279.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9649.msg635725#msg635725

Offline Acorn

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #9 on: May 28, 2018, 04:41:10 AM »
Following along, SB!
Could you please reserve a seat for me on the combine?  It’s on my bucket list.
Will set up a hotdog and ice cream stand and all proceeds will go to you as a payment for the ride. 
Do we have a deal?
« Last Edit: May 28, 2018, 04:42:19 AM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline FearNot

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #10 on: May 29, 2018, 12:35:15 PM »
SB! Congrats on your new thread!
M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #11 on: May 29, 2018, 02:08:41 PM »
Following along SB. I didn’t realize you were only 2.5 years from BD. Clearly your Mlcer is in honors MLC.

I’ve often thought about the divorce care classes. Thanks for your insights.

Me 47
H 45
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Milly

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #12 on: May 29, 2018, 02:56:29 PM »
Following, Still! Thanks for sharing your experience with the divorce care classes. I've never heard of them, but it helps to hear it confirmed that our MLC situations are bizarre even to the experience D people. As sad as that is, it is comforting to know our Hs lost their heads. Thank goodness we can come here and be completely understood, right? I mean, I bet none of us would think anything weird about your exH's behaviour. Someone here might even have 'weirder' to offer, and we still wouldn't bat an eye. We'd just be sympathetic with that LBS.

I like your determination about the 'text.' Wish I could have a wine stand there for you.
Millyxxx
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #13 on: May 30, 2018, 07:33:43 PM »
I think you rambled on about Divorce Care because it brings us comfort to understand that our H’s and W’s have really lost it - that what we are experiencing is not a regular divorce - that regular divorces exist and we don’t qualify.  And as Milly pointed out, thank goodness we are understood here.

I am nowhere near forgiveness either. I don’t even sweat it. No pressure... if I get there one day, great, if not .. oh well the Lord will have to deal with the sin I hold against them. I think it is better that I don’t have any desire for revenge. Wasted energy.

Sheesh... now I have to fight Acorn for the combine.  ;)
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #14 on: June 04, 2018, 07:09:10 PM »
Back from vacation SB.  You on Summer break now?
M-40
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-13
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back
1 year later no signs of anyone new - workaholic


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10203.msg671589#msg671589

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline stillbaffledTopic starter

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #15 on: June 04, 2018, 08:35:03 PM »
Thanks, you guys, for sticking with me for "summer purge"!   It's good to have my peeps in my corner.  Yeah, sure, I have RL friends, but they don't get any of this MLC craziness.  They won't even know that "summer purge" is going on at my place this summer.  Mr. and Mrs. SB are old news and Mr. SB and the new wifey are the buzz these days. 

CanLetGo - glad you popped in.  You haven't updated your thread for a bit.  How are things going? 

Thunder - I simply need to drive the three hours to you one day this summer and have a mini-meet!  It's long overdue!  I'll bring pics of the pole building! 

Chookie - seems that there may be some movement in your corner of the world with your MLCer getting back to his drawing.  I'll be following along.

Whyus - your post on your thread made me bust right out laughing tonight.  Thanks for that!  Do keep dropping in over here in pole building land. 

UM - wouldn't be the same without you and your fabulous gifs!  Keep em' coming.  However, there will be no burning of the building.  If he leaves it I'm going to use it! 

Tyks - good to have you along, neighbor to the north.  Hope things are going well with your new friend. 

Acorn - it's always good to have another Canuck along for the journey.  Although I don't think there is any possibility I'll ever be in a position of re-connection like you're in I do follow your thread and continue to hope things keep moving in the right direction for you and your H. 

FearNot - thanks for joining.  Come July 1st, you and I might both be knee deep in MLCers! 

KIT - I have virtually no contact at all with my MLCer and yours tells you you're the love of his life one day and then blocks you on his phone the next!  Glad you're aboard.

Milly - I wish you were here with a wine stand as well!  But none for Acorn and DF if they're going to drive the combine!   ;D

DF - I was hoping you'd be bringing your bada$$ self on over.  Man, I sure wish you lived closer and could waltz right up to my MLCer and say, "Hey, I'm SB's bada$$ lawyer buddy and I just took your combine out for a spin.  It needs some work."  LOL

FW - hey, you're back from the cruise!  Thanks for dropping in.  Hope you had a great time and made lots of memories.  Did the newbies like it?  Did anybody get seasick?! 
Nope - still in school.  Last day is Thursday. 

Got a text from MLCer this morning at work.  Why, oh why, does he keep doing that when he never gets an answer back until later that evening or even into the next day?!?  Jeez, talk about out of touch.   He wanted to know if he could have my permission to come on the property this morning and get some of his "stuff". 

Dude - the gate is locked and I thought I was clear that I'm going to be home when you are removing stuff from the property.   So at 9:00 tonight I sent a text back telling him I'd be home all day on Friday. 

So drop back in here Saturday if you are curious to know if he summoned up enough courage to be on the same 10 acres as me! 

Summer Purge is about to commence.   
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #16 on: June 05, 2018, 06:03:08 AM »
Quote from: stillbaffled
Got a text from MLCer this morning at work.  Why, oh why, does he keep doing that when he never gets an answer back until later that evening or even into the next day?!?  Jeez, talk about out of touch.   He wanted to know if he could have my permission to come on the property this morning and get some of his "stuff".



Quote from: stillbaffled
Dude - the gate is locked and I thought I was clear that I'm going to be home when you are removing stuff from the property.   So at 9:00 tonight I sent a text back telling him I'd be home all day on Friday. 



Quote from: stillbaffled
So drop back in here Saturday if you are curious to know if he summoned up enough courage to be on the same 10 acres as me! 

Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Thunder

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #17 on: June 05, 2018, 06:41:44 AM »
Unreal, still...sigh.   ???
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #18 on: June 05, 2018, 07:32:59 AM »
Great thread SB!  I love the validation from the divorce group. I beat my head against a brick wall trying to make sense of cray cray. When all that does is make me crazy
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Collaborative Divorce in process (to protect myself)
I don't think I'm standing, but who knows what the future brings.
Two Teenage boys
Me: 55
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #19 on: June 05, 2018, 09:06:52 AM »
Isn’t that the definition of crazy - doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result?
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline Acorn

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #20 on: June 05, 2018, 01:53:41 PM »
I’m taking bets.  As it stands, the odds are 10:1 that he will be no show on Friday. 
Feel free to increase/decrease the odds. 

OK, you have 10 acres.  How contagious are your cooties?  If it is extremely contagious, 10 acres are not going to provide enough quarantine space for him. 
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #21 on: June 06, 2018, 12:09:02 PM »
FW - hey, you're back from the cruise!  Thanks for dropping in.  Hope you had a great time and made lots of memories.  Did the newbies like it?  Did anybody get seasick?! 
Nope - still in school.  Last day is Thursday.

We had a great time!  I finally got all my photos uploaded to FB today.  We had a scary thing happen with D16 that turned out okay, was just a bit of seasickness I guess, but she had ordered a virgin pina colada at the comedy club at the back of the ship at the same time that SIL's sister ordered a regular one.  Shortly after the show, she started complaining of feeling sick.  I bought her some Bonine and gave it to her and she went and laid down for a bit as the rest of us assembled at the front of the ship for the nightly show.  I texted her on the cruise app and she described her symptoms, which suspiciously matched what I feel when I'm drunk.  Dizzy, and hot (flushed).  I looked back at my SIL in horror and said "there's no way they got her and K's drink mixed up, right?  She isn't drunk, is she?!?"  S18 and nephew 17 thought this was hilarious.  A few minutes later D16 joined us and said she was feeling better, so the Bonine, bottle of water and a lie down must have helped pretty quickly.  I asked her about her drink and she nixed the idea of them switching, as hers came without the side pineapple and cherry, so that they would not mix them up on accident, so that's good!

Got a text from MLCer this morning at work.  Why, oh why, does he keep doing that when he never gets an answer back until later that evening or even into the next day?!?  Jeez, talk about out of touch.   He wanted to know if he could have my permission to come on the property this morning and get some of his "stuff". 

Dude - the gate is locked and I thought I was clear that I'm going to be home when you are removing stuff from the property.   So at 9:00 tonight I sent a text back telling him I'd be home all day on Friday. 

So drop back in here Saturday if you are curious to know if he summoned up enough courage to be on the same 10 acres as me! 

Summer Purge is about to commence.   

I'm betting no, haha!
M-40
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-13
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back
1 year later no signs of anyone new - workaholic


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10203.msg671589#msg671589

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline Kanvan

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #22 on: June 06, 2018, 01:44:28 PM »
Following along SB on your journey :)
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1

You'll search for me inside of everyone you're with and I won't be found." R.H. Sin.

M-48
H-46
S27,S21, S16
Married 12/10/1994
Divorced 4/10/2018
23 years of marriage
BD- June 22, 2017 Moved in with OW-June 24th, 2017
Standing although divorced

Online nah

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #23 on: June 06, 2018, 02:16:09 PM »
I still think you should text back, “What stuff?”
H-54
me-52
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...semi-vanisher
https://heneversaidaword.com

Offline Thunder

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #24 on: June 06, 2018, 02:27:23 PM »
 Love it!  What stuff?    ???

10 to 1 sounds pretty good to me.  Especially if he knows you're going to be there.
The terror of it all.

A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Tyks

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #25 on: June 06, 2018, 02:44:54 PM »
Wow, 10 acres... We could have a pretty good HS party !
Me 48
Him 48
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out
D15 D18
April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce
Divorce final February 12 2018

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8823.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9005.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9120.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9279.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9649.msg635725#msg635725

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #26 on: June 07, 2018, 07:56:40 PM »
Divorce class sounds great SB, it's good for all of us to get some help and guidance.

I do think giving your H a timeline for removing the stuff will probably fall through unless there is a loop-hole for you to do this legally. 

I'm with Ursa on burning the thing ;D
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline stillbaffledTopic starter

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #27 on: June 07, 2018, 08:01:26 PM »

I do think giving your H a timeline for removing the stuff will probably fall through unless there is a loop-hole for you to do this legally. 


The deadline, legally, was LAST August first.  If he can't get it together to have it done by this August first the "stuff" and the pole building are mine!  Well, actually they are legally mine right now but I have to be able to live with myself and I want all the other crap of his that is junk off my property. 

So......Summer Purge has officially begun.   

Man up and show up, MLCer, and let's get this purge party started tomorrow!   8)
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #28 on: June 07, 2018, 08:34:49 PM »
I wish I lived next door with a huge window to your pole barn. All the LBS's could come over and watch while eating delicious delicacies and sipping cocktails.  Better than a concert (almost).
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Still Half full

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #29 on: June 08, 2018, 06:03:50 AM »
Thinking about you SB

Hope he man ups,  but ...... knowing what we know about MLC crazy I think the chances are pretty slim of him coming today

But if he does I hope it doesn't upset you and know you'll handle it with class, don't let him nudge that crown off your lovely head 😊
At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H living with ow again
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #30 on: June 08, 2018, 05:57:56 PM »
Well... checking to see what transpired today....
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline stillbaffledTopic starter

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #31 on: June 08, 2018, 09:30:29 PM »
LOL, DF. 

Let it be known that the combine is still available for you to drive!!   ;D

Nary a word from the hider.  Not one trailer load of stuff leaving my back yard.  Not one little screw backed out of the tin on that giant shed.  As predicted....he was a no show!

Sunday night the text goes out with the deadline date.  I thought about sending it out tonight but I have several graduation receptions to attend tomorrow and Sunday and didn't want to ruin my weekend.  One of those receptions is for his niece!  It's his brother's daughter.  I had asked if there was anything I could do to help out.  I offered to bring a large bowl of fresh fruit and she was happy to accept my offer.  I am grateful to still be considered auntie even though there's a new auntie in town!   

I have to be there at the beginning of the open house and it only lasts for two hours so there's a pretty good chance I'm going to see MLCer's mother and stepfather.  Not looking forward to that but I'm going with my girlfriend, the motorcycle chick, who is a bada$$ when she needs to be so at least I won't be there alone.  Also, FIL and stepMIL will be there and we'll be sitting with them. 

Now the real fun will start if MLCer, new wifey, and stepdaughter show up!   :o    If so, I'm going to take a page from Nah's book and totally ignore wifey and stepdaughter.  If MLCer actually shows up I'll deliver my Summer Purge message in person. 

I'm betting that I'll be delivering the Summer Purge message by text on Sunday night.   ;)
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline Still Half full

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #32 on: June 09, 2018, 04:40:00 AM »
Hope you have a lovely time at the receptions

It's so maddening that the ripples from our MLC antics ripple out and we have to be prepared for family events that would normally be so pleasurable. I hope you are able to enjoy your niece,s party

We've both had the most basic texts from our H's this week which have shown us that they are still stuck in MLC, it's astonishing how long they can stay stuck 😳

Have a great weekend SB
At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H living with ow again
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

Offline OffRoad

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #33 on: June 09, 2018, 10:22:52 AM »
You're a better man than i,  Gunga Din. The day after my H's deadline of last December, I started the purge, bus its gon to take a while.  . I had to inform D today that her father is no longer entitled to anything in the house. (She kept packing it up to give to him in December, but he couldn't be bothered to do it himself.) She seemed disappointed, but accepted it. If he wants it, and I still have it, he can come get it. But only if I'm here. I'm not unreasonable. I'm also not a storage shed. She actually wanted the surfboard. I said ok on the condition that you give it back to me when you no longer want it. She asked why (I am certain she thought she could just give it to her dad) I said I might want to use it for a decoration (which would be in  keeping with the tiki room) She then said ok.
 
And sure, maybe it's petty, but he had ample time to get his things. He doesn't get to just do whatever he wants and I'll be the nice guy. I'm so done with that. Time for me to be the nice guy to me.

Good luck getting your space back. It'd be so much easier if he'd just come and get it all, but maybe you can make a little money. :)
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline Thunder

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #34 on: June 10, 2018, 06:51:51 AM »
Still, no surprise there.  He is afraid to come to the property knowing you will be there, OR his dorky W is afraid to let him go.

I guess I would make it very clear to him that those things are "legally" yours now, but if he still wants them then..here is the last deadline.  Your last chance to get them, or I toss them.

I don't remember, did he ever get his rifles?
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline stillbaffledTopic starter

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #35 on: June 10, 2018, 09:47:34 PM »
Thunder - I am in possession of the rifles and shotguns - I think there are 13 of them in the safe. 

Well, the weekend was a busy one.  Several graduation open houses to attend and then some lake time at the cabin today with my sister-in-law and lovely niece and family.  Oh, and I mowed lawn and did a few chores too. 

But let's get back to a couple of these open houses, shall we?  MLCer's two nieces (sisters) had receptions this weekend.  One graduated from high school (I have to quit writing HS because FaithWalker keeps misinterpreting  it and thinks I'm talking about Hero's Spouse) and the older one from college. 

One reception was Saturday at a community center.  I really didn't expect to see MLCer and the new wifey but I knew I'd see his mother and stepfather.  Yup....they were there.  I had bada$$ biker girlfriend with me and I purposely avoided any kind of contact with them for the couple hours we were there visiting.  Plus.....his father and stepmom (who I still refer to as FIL and MIL) sat at our table for the luncheon. 

MLCer's other brother and family showed up and of course they came over and joined our table as well. 

Last night I reflected on the afternoon and just ended up shaking my head at the craziness of my MLCer.  He willingly and purposefully is giving up a relationship with his brothers and their families, as well as his father and stepmom for this new life he's determined to have.  And how crazy is his mother to not see that as well!?!  As she sat there yesterday and watched (and my girlfriend said she kept staring at me) her grandchildren and her other sons interact with me how could she not come to the logical conclusion that something is very very firetrucked up with her kid?!?!

Moving on to today's open house for the older sibling we just did a rinse and repeat of yesterday.  Pretty much the same scenario but with fewer people because it was a college graduation and was held at their home.  Bada$$ girlfriend and I again attended together and I steered myself clear of MLCer's mother and his stepfather.   I can't help but wonder what his mother was thinking seeing me at both events while her son and new DIL chose not to attend.  Heck, for all I know, they weren't even invited.   ???

I was just too busy this weekend to get a text out to him so guess I'll get that done right away tomorrow morning.  You know.....the one where I tell him that he has until such and such date this summer to get his stuff and that giant pole building off my property.  After said date it won't be leaving with him.  EVER! 

Sheesh......I've been pretty level headed about this stupid pole building and his crap but I'm guessing he's going to try and make me get really riled up before this is all said and done.  I hope you guys aren't going to have to swoop in and settle me down! 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #36 on: June 11, 2018, 03:21:32 AM »
Sheesh......I've been pretty level headed about this stupid pole building and his crap but I'm guessing he's going to try and make me get really riled up before this is all said and done.  I hope you guys aren't going to have to swoop in and settle me down!

You mean, like this?

Just be your bada$$ self....

Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #37 on: June 11, 2018, 04:41:28 AM »
I agree with UM....

You should change your name to bad@ss.
H-54
me-52
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...semi-vanisher
https://heneversaidaword.com

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #38 on: June 11, 2018, 10:32:33 AM »
The stuff that is important to these MLCers is mind boggling. Nothing, and I mean nothing comes before these nasty OW and their own selfishness.... spouse, family, kids, job, reputation... they just blow it all up and act like it is all the right thing to do.

My brother is in the process of blowing up his life now. He has dropped all of his lifelong friends, is MIA from his family and, rumor has it, is living in a house with three other "people in the same situation as him".  :o   What situation?  My SIL says that she has no idea where to find him in an earthquake.  As sibling of a MLCer, I don't get it either.    They have plumb lost their dang minds. 
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #39 on: June 11, 2018, 11:56:35 AM »
He doesn't get to just do whatever he wants and I'll be the nice guy. I'm so done with that. Time for me to be the nice guy to me.  - I just love this!
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Collaborative Divorce in process (to protect myself)
I don't think I'm standing, but who knows what the future brings.
Two Teenage boys
Me: 55
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline Ropeburn

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #40 on: June 11, 2018, 12:20:30 PM »
Still coming along
   My stbx guns and father's ashes ,deer heads etc. Are still here with me. I sign papers tomorrow and I had put in them that he has 30 days to collect ,...now I'm wondering what good that will do
We are never so defenseless against suffering as when we love,never so helplessly unhappy  as when we have lost our love object or its love
Sigmund Freud

Offline stillbaffledTopic starter

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #41 on: June 11, 2018, 01:11:56 PM »
Sent a text early this morning:

After August 1st nothing will be leaving my property.

Within minutes I received this back:

Ok when can i start i have a little time today

My response:

Any time today.


It's late afternoon now and I've not seen him.  But then again it's been pouring rain for the last several hours!   :)

UM - I love the gif - man, I'd love to blow that baby up with the stuff that's still in it too! 

DF - I wondered what was happening with your brother.  How sad for you and your family.  And doubly sad for your SIL and the kids.   You are correct - absolutely nothing comes before their own selfishness and the OW.

Ropeburn - in 30 days you'll either be rid of his stuff or you'll get to decide what to do with it.  If you need suggestions, Nah will be along to offer you a few, as will quite a few other HS members.  These guys have great ideas!   ;D

 



After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline Ropeburn

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #42 on: June 11, 2018, 01:21:40 PM »
 Lol still
    I have quiet and imagination about that,,,all but ashes will give those to Mil
We are never so defenseless against suffering as when we love,never so helplessly unhappy  as when we have lost our love object or its love
Sigmund Freud

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #43 on: June 11, 2018, 10:14:43 PM »
Bet you still haven't seen him ;D
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Ropeburn

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #44 on: June 12, 2018, 10:24:37 AM »
SF
   Nope and don't want to for while at lawyers right now and I'm doing good
We are never so defenseless against suffering as when we love,never so helplessly unhappy  as when we have lost our love object or its love
Sigmund Freud

Offline stillbaffledTopic starter

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #45 on: June 12, 2018, 01:58:08 PM »
Well, well, well......guess who I just spent an hour with!?!?   ::)

I went to the neighboring town 10 minutes away this morning to work in my garden plot in the community garden.  It's fenced and I just had to give up trying to garden at home until I can afford to have a nice high fence put up all the way around it.  Stupid deer and wild turkeys anyway!  As I was getting ready to leave I got a text from MLCer saying he had an hour to get some things. 

An hour?!  Dude----you have weeks worth of work to do here.  I was pretty sure he only wanted permission to cherry pick and get something he needed/wanted.  I sent a text back saying the gate was open and headed home. 

Sure enough, when I got there he was backed into the big pole building and was walking around looking at stuff.  Well, no time like the present for me to spend a little time with the new guy so out there I went.  Now I'd been gardening so I had on jeans and a t-shirt, my hair in a ponytail sticking out the back of my cool Under Armour cap, and my very cool Maui Jim aviator sunglasses!   8)   However, I sure wasn't as dressed to the nines as SF was when she paid her MLCer a visit!  Took my work gloves with me as well. 

By the time I got out there he had pulled out of the shed and had backed around to a big pile of stuff and was loading just what he came for!  A huge roll of barbed wire and about a 100 steel fence posts that were laying on the ground.  Aw.....so the new wifey needs fence put up on the new property for her horses.  Sheesh I don't know how the guy can walk with the grip she's got on his "you know whats". 

I didn't say a word.  Just started putting steel fence posts in the back of his truck.  There we were....just two strangers working together.  Weird feeling for sure.  I kept thinking, "Who is this guy?" 

I figured I'd ask what I needed answers for after we got done loading.  But oops....not before he tossed some fence posts in too high and busted out the whole back window of his pickup!!   ;D     I wasn't looking when it happened but I heard him drop the F bomb and I turned around to see what was left of the back window.  I wanted to laugh.  I really did but I just stood there while he ranted about how now his "F"ing day was ruined and he had just replaced that window.  I don't know if he was talking to me because he wasn't looking at me.  Maybe he was just talking to himself.  At any rate I didn't say a word.  We finished loading the rest of the them and then he got in the back seat of his truck and knocked all the remaining glass back into the truck bed. 

Oh good....time for chatting.  I asked about the pole building.  He still intends to take it down.  I asked who would be helping him.  He said he was going to hire a guy.  He gave me the name and said they'd have the tin off in two days and it could be down in a week's time!  Huh?!?  Dude----do you remember how long it took us to get it down when we bought it?!?!  I simply told him I would need more than a 2 minute advance notice when that dismantling was going to start.  He said it would be after the fourth of July.  Whatever. 

Then we walked around to all the piles of scrap and other assorted junk and into the other out building.  He just kept walking around and looking at stuff.  He never mentioned any of the valuable stuff that I still have in the house.  Neither did I.  All I know is he's going to be spending a LOT of time in my back yard in the next 6 weeks if he keeps his word and takes all of the crap that's out there that's his, as well as dismantling the building too. 

He did most of the talking.  I've had 2.5 years to prepare for this purge and I knew if I let myself I would say many many things that I've never, ever gotten to say.  I knew I had to just zip my lips.   :-X     

I really wanted to say so many things.   But what's the point?  I will never get any answers that make any sense because none of it makes any sense to begin with.  He blew up our lives and nearly crushed me. 

I haven't seen or spoken to him since last August.  He looks pretty much like the man I've always known.  He's gained a bit of weight back from that first year where he lost quite a bit to impress the OW.  His eyes didn't have the possessed, shark look that they did the night of BD but when I look at him and talk to him it's like I really don't even know who he is now.  I think of all the history we have shared, including back to high school days and all the great memories that I've hung on to. 

He has worked hard at erasing many many years of his past.  Unlike many of you, I don't wish him well and I don't hope he's happy.  I just want him to take everything from here that needs to be gone and like Treasur, I suspect I'll never have any contact with him again.  Sadly, because he refused to take his shiny new life out of this tiny town I'll still have to occasionally meet him and/or her on the road and I suppose I'll end of up having to be in the same place as them in the future.  But I don't wish to have a friendship or idle conversation with him while he is this man that is so incredibly disappointing. 

So folks, Summer Purge, has begun.  It won't be a fun summer for me but I'm glad it's finally happening and he and his things will be off my property. 

But hey.....I did laugh after he left replaying that broken back window in his pickup!!   ;D

After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #46 on: June 12, 2018, 03:22:50 PM »
Don’t get your hopes up too high SB. Do you really think OW is going to let him spend that much time at your place with you? I am betting on the Pole Barn myself.

I see LB a lot for basketball. I know that feeling of “who is this guy?” I spent 20 years of my life with a person who is now a total stranger to me. How can that be? It is indeed an odd feeling. I don’t wish LB well either - I wish for karma to deliver to him exactly what he deserves.
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline Still Half full

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #47 on: June 12, 2018, 04:13:00 PM »
It doesn't matter how much I read here, I'm still astounded by MLC behaviour 😳

You spent an hour loading and he didn't say anything regarding the situation 😳 I know they're living in avoidance, but he was at the home you shared, with you, the person he's spent most of his life with, and nothing

I know that I couldn't be as cool as you, there's no way I could keep my lips zipped, so maybe it's a good job mine's still a scaredy cat hider 😄

It sounds like he needs to spend a lot of time at yours if he continues the process, and I agree that stupid six surnames is not going to be able to handle him spending so much time there, so I guess there's a chance that he might not come back, reality seems to be something these MLCer's can't handle

And how you managed not to laugh when he broke his window, I'll never know 😂

Quote
while he is this man that is so incredibly disappointing. 

This is such a sad but true statement

Hope seeing him hasn't unsettled you too much
At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H living with ow again
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #48 on: June 12, 2018, 05:09:29 PM »
I was laughing hard at your outfit SB, I bet you looked so much better than he ever remembered and SOOOO much better than the stupid ow.  Remember, I had weeks of planning before turning up on my xH's doorstep, I even wonder if he noticed me at all - such fog in his brain.

Your description of the time spent with your xH was almost exactly like mine.  We spent 30 years together and he can't even be bothered asking me how I am or discuss anything about our former lives together.  Avoidance is so huge for them and I am positive they just can't face talking about these things as it muddles their brain and leads to them not sleeping and monkey braining much more than we ever do.  I am sure it causes them physical pain to remember the good times they have so conveniently forgotten and rewritten.

Looks like glass is in vogue with MLCers at the moment ;D  I laughed when you described your xH and his broken back window, as mine was swinging the mirror I took to him around so much and he was so physically uncomfortable, I was sure he was going to drop the stupid thing.

I also had so many questions which I already knew the answers to so needn't ask ::)  But I knew I would be told a bunch of lies if I asked or got a serve of monster worse than I was already getting, so I left it alone.  I listened and looked at him closely and found it difficult to believe I had been married to this man I no longer recognize as the man who had integrity and looked after us so beautifully for so many years.  I just allowed him to keep growling on about his terrible life ( the one he chose BTW ;) )

I had  strange feeling he actually liked me turning up (ego stuff) but also needed me gone as it made him feel terribly guilty having to look at me again.  No wonder we get angry monster rather than the lovely H we knew.  They  want to keep telling themselves they are doing the right thing by leaving and divorcing us but they do have an inkling they may just be wrong about that.

I was also astounded at how much I could read what he was thinking while he was talking, it was like being able to see his thought processes.  I could see he was incapable of thinking anything alternative to what he was saying as he had told himself over and over that his lies were true.  I could feel the wall he had built to protect himself from facing his own demons, like a perspex panel between us that shielded him from reality.

My xH's eyes were also not as dark as before but the rote nature of the re-telling of his old life has become real for him and I have no doubt he will continue this re-telling until rock bottom.

I don't envy you over the next few weeks SB, but I am also thinking he may not turn up most of the time, they don't have the energy for normal human stuff in alien land.

I always think the day they wake up and see the error of their ways would be super epic.

I also don't want mine to be happy or live a great life.  His choices have consequences and the things he has done need to be faced by him and I deserve an apology at the least.

It's all just smoke (fog) and mirrors for us SB ;D  Isn't it ironic!
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #49 on: June 12, 2018, 07:15:06 PM »
Ok... I am still laughing about the truck window. I don’t know how you kept it together.
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline Tyks

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #50 on: June 13, 2018, 03:58:44 AM »
Wow, just wow. No conversation after so long. They are so lost. I hope it costs him more to replace the window than the fence posts are worth lol.

I feel the same about wishing them well. I often wish that xh will choke on his own drool.
Me 48
Him 48
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out
D15 D18
April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce
Divorce final February 12 2018

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8823.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9005.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9120.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9279.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9649.msg635725#msg635725

Online Mitzpah

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #51 on: June 13, 2018, 05:25:44 AM »
SB,

Congrats on your cool demeanor!

It is so true that they will not touch on anything worthwhile talking about.

I am sure that six surnames will not be happy about the length of time he will be spending on your property, my h. now does not come over when I am at home... Fortunately, I work long hours so he can spend time working on his motorcycle in our garage with the kids during the day  :P  that is, when he stops working again (he is in a temporary consulting position)  ::)

The back window  :o  good on you for not laughing in his face!
M 57
H 57
S 26
S 25
D 23
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Online nah

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #52 on: June 13, 2018, 05:56:55 AM »
Ah, the shattered window.  It would have taken everything I had not to shrug my shoulders and calmly say, "just like our hopes and dreams"...  ;D  ;D

So he did it,... he sucked it up and popped the "go get the stuff" cherry?  And it's not over?  He has to come back for more?

I think whether you care or not you passed his test.  Even how you were dressed, you showed your life is not all about attacking him AND not all about getting him back.  Well, you might have surprised him.  I fully believe he was 10x's more nervous about seeing you than you were about seeing him.  Not only was it your "turf", he's the one that has everything to be guilty about AND embarrassed.  Let's face it, no matter how much he tries to justify, even he knows being husband number 5 is ridiculous.  Plus, now he has had more time with this crazy idiot and the novelty has worn off by now.  Ick, sitting in his bad decisions and now he stepped back in time and saw a piece of the life he used to have, hmmm,.... maybe this place wasn't as bad as he had worked up in his mind, maybe seeing you wasn't as bad as he had worked up in his mind.  I have to wonder why that window was broken, was somebody's mind somewhere else?  In the past perhaps?  Just a guess.

So he has to come back.  Again, I would keep expectations low, wait for him to say something to you.  Maybe he will, maybe he won't. 

In the early days, I used to beg, plead, please, please, please just give me a crumb, some answers, who is this person?  Do I have a chance?  How long did you feel this way?...  He shut me down hard.  Nothing, not one crumb.  Then, one time,... we were discussing finances over breakfast (we did this only once), out of nowhere he looked up and said, "You must hate me"...

Damn, I after being shut down so many times I wasn't at all ready for this question. 

You just never know if or when they just might open up a hair if you don't push.

Anyways, you played it perfectly.  I have a feeling you are going to have an interesting summer.

H-54
me-52
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...semi-vanisher
https://heneversaidaword.com

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #53 on: June 13, 2018, 06:14:10 AM »
Oh boy—the karma bus in the form of a broken window. I would not have been as cool as you for sure. And I love Nah’s response about broken dreams—lmao!

Yeah I’m not a saintly person wishing my H well either. I mean, I wish I could be. Maybe that would bring me peace. But no, I’m not even close. So I get it SB.  And like Nah said, how could he possibly be happy or at peace with the psycho serial marrier?

I’m glad you got this interaction out of the way. I’m sure he was literally sh!tting himself with anxiety over this meeting. And now it’s out of the way. Yay. The pole barn though? Yeah, that’ll never happen. Poor baby probably won’t be able to sleep for a week after this brief interaction. Pole barn dismantling might just kill him. Or at least destroy the rest of his truck.  ;D
Me 47
H 45
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #54 on: June 13, 2018, 06:25:27 AM »
Quote from: KeepItTogether
Pole barn dismantling might just kill him. Or at least destroy the rest of his truck.

That's it, you are going to Hades for THAT comment.... ROFL

Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Thunder

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #55 on: June 13, 2018, 08:03:25 AM »
UM...for shame.  tee hee

I would be very surprised if he comes to get much else, Still.
I think it was much harder on him then you know.  Of course then there is the goofball wifey who will be making sure he is not around you too much.

You may just end up with the pole barn and other goodies you can either sell, or give away.  Stick to your timeline.

Just remember, he gets nothing from inside the house until ALL his crap is gone, not just what he wants to take.   ;D
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Ropeburn

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #56 on: June 13, 2018, 08:11:22 AM »
SB
    Oh my goodness I would have busted a gut laughing .
I do not wish my EXH rainbows and unicorns either . I think the karma train will wreck on his doorstep one day . I don't want him to die bad health etc ,but karma oh yeah

   Kit lol I can see his truck one part at a time lmao
We are never so defenseless against suffering as when we love,never so helplessly unhappy  as when we have lost our love object or its love
Sigmund Freud

Offline FearNot

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #57 on: June 13, 2018, 11:22:01 AM »
Ah, the shattered window.  It would have taken everything I had not to shrug my shoulders and calmly say, "just like our hopes and dreams"...  ;D  ;


Bahahahaa Nah!

 I don't know how you didn't laugh SB! The ability to zip it that I read about some of you LBS's having is phenomenal! I can only hope that I can continue in that manner.

You handle it with great class SB!!

M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Shocked

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #58 on: June 13, 2018, 12:28:05 PM »
SB!!! I am soooooooo proud of you!!!!
I can’t believe you went out and helped him!!! IMHO he was rattled by that and your calmness and that broken window is a result of that!!!! (UM I’m snickering too!!) My other guess is he will not tell Mrs No6 that you helped him. Can you imagine that conversation??!!!
He will be back and I think you’re right he will misjudge the amount of time needed. Will you help him again? I’m curious why you did help him? I do think you played your hand well!
I care🤗
H 51
W 58
M 22 Years
2 AD both married from my first M
BD 12/15 moved out-in replay, vanisher, MOW in Atlanta
D 2/17

Offline OffRoad

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #59 on: June 13, 2018, 02:49:25 PM »
I'm sorry. We all know the narrative to Mrs. No 6 will be: "SB broke the window. I told her not to help, but she just threw the poles in anyway."

Amiwrong?
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline Acorn

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #60 on: June 13, 2018, 05:40:53 PM »
You can’t make this stuff up.  Broke the car window.  What next?!
You handled yourself admirably.  Him?  Not so much.  It sounds like he was flustered and embarrassed.  No wonder he broke the window.  O well, I hope he got an earful from what-da-ya-call-her. 

Don’t forget I reserved my seat on the combine.  It’s on my bucket list.  DF, you can have a go at it first because you asked first.
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline stillbaffledTopic starter

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #61 on: June 13, 2018, 07:26:10 PM »
I'm sorry. We all know the narrative to Mrs. No 6 will be: "SB broke the window. I told her not to help, but she just threw the poles in anyway."

Amiwrong?

OR - I did think that maybe he'd try to spin that but whatever.   I've never spoken to her in 2.5 years and I could care less what she or her daughter think of me.  MLCer and I both know the truth and pretty much anybody else in this town he'd try to sell that story to would not fall for it. 

Shocked - I went out there to "help" him because if it in any way makes him anxious or feeling a tad guilty I have accomplished my mission.  He has avoided me as much as he possibly can.  Every time he plans on being here I will be out there.  I may not always be helping because I have 15 cords of wood to stack and many other things that need to be done around here this summer.  But rest assured, I'll be out there so that even though he erased me and his previous life he'll have to see me every time he returns to the home we shared. 

Nah - I wish I'd thought of saying that.  But even if I had said it, I'm betting he'd have looked at me like I was crazy.  There is no indication whatsoever that he ever had any kind of relationship with me.  I would be shocked if he ever looked at me and said, "You must hate me...."   After every thing is removed and gone I'm guessing he won't ever contact me again and I sure won't be contacting him.  I don't even know who he is. 

Thunder - everything will be staying in the house until the all the crap out back is gone.  He didn't even ask about inside stuff. 

KIT - It would be poetic justice if his truck took more hits getting everything out of here.

As for the new wifey - I don't think she minds one bit that he'll have to spend time here.  Remember, she has convinced at least 5 different men to get a marriage license so her self esteem is pretty up there.  She's eight years younger than me and I bet she won't be at all bothered by little old me.  What will bother her is the time he has to spend here wrapping up his old life because he isn't available to do her every bidding. 

UM -  :D

Acorn - he did mention the combine.  Wants to leave it in the building under cover until right before he starts the dismantling.  When it leaves I'll video it on my phone and send it to a few members here that have my cell number.  It will no doubt be epic because it can't fit down the driveway because of the gate installation last August. 



After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #62 on: June 14, 2018, 11:22:08 AM »


I wonder what happened that he had just gotten it replaced?  Seems like all is not well in MLC world.  I love that you had a front row seat to the action.



Definitely sounds like MLCer was a bit anxious around you.   ;D

M-40
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-13
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back
1 year later no signs of anyone new - workaholic


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10203.msg671589#msg671589

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline Kanvan

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #63 on: June 18, 2018, 08:09:26 AM »
SB, you were rocking it like the queen you are. The broken window glass would have been hard for me not to get tickled. You stated that he is not the man you use to know, that is so true for many of us. Sad thing is they do not see it at all. According to them we are the ones that changed. You are doing great girl! Sending hugs your way!
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1

You'll search for me inside of everyone you're with and I won't be found." R.H. Sin.

M-48
H-46
S27,S21, S16
Married 12/10/1994
Divorced 4/10/2018
23 years of marriage
BD- June 22, 2017 Moved in with OW-June 24th, 2017
Standing although divorced

Offline beyondblessed

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #64 on: June 18, 2018, 04:14:30 PM »
SB....I have missed so much in the last 4 months I've been AWOL.  Didn't read it all, but guess the barn is coming down and windows are being busted.  Good times.  lol

Glad to see that you are keeping yourself otherwise occupied.  Always the best course of action!

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #65 on: June 19, 2018, 11:56:47 AM »
Hey, I got dibs on driving the combine down the driveway!!   
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline stillbaffledTopic starter

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #66 on: June 19, 2018, 12:12:48 PM »
DF - the combine can't go down the driveway because I put a gate up last August.  It won't fit!  You'll have to run around in the neighbor's field with it.  MLCer says he's going to take it from the property by going out through the neighbor's field. 

Wouldn't it be a hoot and a half if the neighbor said no exiting through my field but the bada$$ Jersey chick can drive it around out there if she wants to!!    ;D
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline Tyks

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #67 on: June 19, 2018, 12:37:10 PM »
Lol. That would be a hoot
Me 48
Him 48
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out
D15 D18
April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce
Divorce final February 12 2018

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8823.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9005.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9120.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9279.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9649.msg635725#msg635725

Offline Thunder

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #68 on: June 19, 2018, 01:02:03 PM »
I better get you my cell phone number.
I don't want to miss a THING!!   8)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Acorn

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #69 on: June 19, 2018, 01:18:52 PM »
Wouldn't it be a hoot and a half if the neighbor said no exiting through my field but the bada$$ Jersey chick can drive it around out there if she wants to!!    ;D

I dare you to bribe the neighbor.  Promise him/her to pay, say $100 if he/she refuses H drive through their field. 
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #70 on: June 20, 2018, 11:34:46 PM »
I'll put in the first $20, anyone else want to get the neighbor to refuse him ;D  MLCers don't like it when they don't get their way :o
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline OffRoad

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #71 on: June 23, 2018, 12:10:27 AM »
Let the combine be free. If he does that much damage to his truck with fence posts, what might the karma bus send with the combine?
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline stillbaffledTopic starter

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #72 on: July 13, 2018, 09:14:09 AM »
Sheesh.....the best laid plans of mice and men (or maybe just little ole' me!). 

While Summer Purge might have been MY goal it certainly doesn't seem like it aligns with any my MLCer has.  ::)

For those of you following the giant pole building saga you may or may not remember that his last visit on June 12 was merely to retrieve some steel fence posts and a huge roll of fencing wire.  Haven't heard a word from him since, until.....yesterday! 

Yesterday just happened to be a summer school day for me where I had to be at school from 8 until 5.  When I left I decided to leave the gate open because I figured I hadn't heard from him in a month so chances were good he was busy with the shiny new life.  Oops.....bad figuring on my part. 

Hadn't been at work but 15 minutes when I receive a text telling me that he has time today to move some stuff.   

Are you fricking kidding me?!?  I've been home for the last 30 days and the ONE day I have to report to work he just happens to have time to be on my property when I can't be there?!?!   >:(   

I considered my options. 
1.  Don't respond.
2.  Wait and respond and tell him today won't work for me.
3.  Wait and respond and tell him to go ahead (he can't get in the house or the garage - would only have access to outside things). 

Let it be known that my MLCer can go no contact for long periods of time (say 12 months or so) but by gosh, when he does contact me I darn well better get right back to him and answer him!   >:(    I hadn't even decided what I was going to do and within 15 minutes the second text came asking if he had my permission to be on the property!  Sheesh....was he sitting right at the end of my driveway waiting to drive in!?!? 

So I waited another 10 minutes and decided to quit fooling around with text messages and I called him.  I asked him what it was he wanted off the property this time.  He proceeds to tell me that he has some time today and will haul his Bobcat (like a skidsteer, not a wild animal!) and trailer in and start hauling scrap and some things out of the giant pole building. 

So again I ask, "Are you taking the pole building down?" 

Yes, he is still "planning" on taking it down.  But you know, guys, he's really busy and blah blah blah........  I interjected with the statement that life is busy but if his priorities are not in taking the shed down it can stay, but all of his things (and all the scrap and junk) need to be removed from it and the back pasture. 

Well, what about his guns and titles and his other valuables in the safe??  I wondered when he'd get around to asking for that stuff.  I very calmly said, "What you don't understand, Mr. SB, is that I need to hold on to those things until you remove everything on the property that is yours.  I have no way of getting rid of all that stuff without having to pay people." 

I again reiterated that he needs to schedule a time to be on the property PRIOR to wanting to be there.  I'm thinking maybe I need to put a large sign at the end of the driveway that says, PRIOR ARRANGEMENTS NEED TO BE MADE BEFORE ENTERING THESE PREMISES.  And then in small print at the bottom I can add: this means you, Mr. SB. 

But......I'm the idiot that left the gate open for him to see and I really do want the stuff gone so after 5 minutes of talking to somebody on the phone that I don't even know anymore I was done.  I told him to go ahead. 

So no more leaving for more than an hour at a time and not locking the gate.   Until Summer Purge is over that's the way it has to be.  I need to be there when he's there.  I have stuff out there too. 

The best part:  Within 30 minutes my phone started blowing up with texts from my lovely neighbor detailing what was going on in my back pasture.  She has a spotting scope and she could hear his diesel truck drive in and the Bobcat running so she spent a good share of the day letting me know pretty much what was in most of the trailer loads leaving there.  He drove right by her house!   ;D   Of course, he doesn't know her or her husband because they bought the place right before he left and we hadn't met them.  Apparently they've heard things in this small town that I haven't shared with them because she befriended me early on and has made a few comments that indicate she would be happy to walk over when he's there if I need her to!  She seems like a real bada$$. 

He was at the house for about 8 hours and when I arrived home he was gone.  And so was a bunch of his stuff!   ;D   I took a little survey and if what he took in that 8 hours is any indication he has about 4-6 more days just removing stuff.  That doesn't include any dismantling of the giant pole building.   :o

DF and Acorn - the combine is still tucked in the back corner of the building.  However, the corn picker and a couple other implements have been pulled out.  I'm wondering how long he's going to leave them sit outside in the weather. 

It's anybody's guess when his next contact will come or when he'll have "time" to take care of cleaning up the past 35 years of his life. 

I do feel bad that I missed spending the day with him.  We could have had lunch together.   ::)
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline Thunder

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #73 on: July 13, 2018, 10:19:10 AM »
Oh rats!

Well at least he took a lot of stuff.

Next time let him know he needs to give you more notice before he comes over.   :(
Sh1thead.   :D Oops...sorry, just slipped out. 
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online Mitzpah

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #74 on: July 13, 2018, 10:28:06 AM »


He was at the house for about 8 hours and when I arrived home he was gone.  And so was a bunch of his stuff!   ;D   I took a little survey and if what he took in that 8 hours is any indication he has about 4-6 more days just removing stuff.  That doesn't include any dismantling of the giant pole building.   :o



So, you just might get that lunch in!  ;D

You know, I guess he knew you were out... It is surprising how much they pay attention to our movements  ???
M 57
H 57
S 26
S 25
D 23
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline Acorn

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #75 on: July 13, 2018, 10:28:09 AM »
I really like your neighbour, SB!
You are way too generous.  Should have made him sit at the gate for a lot longer.  Like 3 hours.  I bet he has a drone that flies over your place and that’s how he knows when you are away and turns up.  What is the statistical probability that he picked yesterday?  None.  He probably has another drone over your school as well.

I’m getting really, really annoyed on your behalf! >:(
At least he didn’t take the combine before I had a ride in it.
If you lived close by, I would really turn up at your place for a ride on the combine and a drink afterwards with you. 
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #76 on: July 13, 2018, 10:48:09 AM »
When the veterans say they are always watching us believe them.  I don't believe he showed up there by accident.  Keep that gate closed.  LB mentioned in a co-parenting message the other day that he knew I was busy at VBS.  It was a poke at me that he knew where I was and what I was doing.  Keep your guard up.

I am glad my combine is still safe.  ;)     
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Online nah

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #77 on: July 13, 2018, 12:13:19 PM »
Just a coincidence?  Please.  ::)

Have you thought about keeping a family of skunks in the pole building??  ;)

H-54
me-52
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...semi-vanisher
https://heneversaidaword.com

Offline Thunder

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #78 on: July 13, 2018, 12:29:31 PM »
OR a BIG scary dog chained up at the gate.   :)

Maybe I could loan you my X's Anatolian Shepard.  He's a great guard dog.  NO ONE would dare come in your yard.  ha ha
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #79 on: July 13, 2018, 03:13:46 PM »
The strength of the LBS's on this forum just inspires me! 

Thank you for sharing these stories.
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Collaborative Divorce in process (to protect myself)
I don't think I'm standing, but who knows what the future brings.
Two Teenage boys
Me: 55
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline MourningDove

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #80 on: July 13, 2018, 05:38:45 PM »
It amazes me, and I suppose by now it shouldn't, how some of our MLCers pop back into our lives and suddenly think about the things they left behind. And then to add that they just show up when it suits them.  ::)

Glad you have a good neighbor who is looking out for you.  :)

Offline stillbaffledTopic starter

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #81 on: July 15, 2018, 10:23:05 AM »
Some of these MLCers really, seriously, do NOT listen to us when we speak to them. 

I specifically told him on Thursday morning in that 5 minute phone conversation that I needed to keep the things of value in the house until all the stuff was taken care of out back.  We talked about the safe and the guns.  If I was fluent in another language I would swear to you guys that I must not have had this conversation with him in English.   ::)

I got a text from him early Saturday morning telling me that he had movers that could be here this week to move the safe.   >:(

I didn't have much time to be irritated because I had lawn to mow, and then some serious wind therapy to attend to on my Harley.  Wind sister and I put 111 miles on yesterday and the best part was my FIL (yes, MLCer's father) decided to get his trike out and go with us!   ;D  Absolutely fabulous afternoon. 

Got back home and had more house things to take care of and by 9:30 last night I remembered I hadn't given another thought (or a response) to MLCer. 

I let him know the safe wouldn't be moved until he was finished in the back. 

I double checked to make sure it wasn't in Mandarin Chinese (or anything other than the English language) and left it at that.   Didn't expect to hear from him and didn't want to.  He'll get around to contacting me when he's ready to take more crap from out back.  Or maybe start dismantling that giant pole building.  Whatevs.  I've got too much to do to spend time wondering when he's next going to pop out of his tunnel. 

But sheesh......it really is all about them isn't it?!! 

 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline OffRoad

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #82 on: July 15, 2018, 10:35:36 AM »
I didn't have much time to be irritated because I had lawn to mow, and then some serious wind therapy to attend to on my Harley.  Wind sister and I put 111 miles on yesterday and the best part was my FIL (yes, MLCer's father) decided to get his trike out and go with us!   ;D  Absolutely fabulous afternoon.
YES!  Steppenwolf is now going through my mind.
https://youtu.be/egMWlD3fLJ8

Quote
I let him know the safe wouldn't be moved until he was finished in the back. 

I double checked to make sure it wasn't in Mandarin Chinese (or anything other than the English language) and left it at that.   Didn't expect to hear from him and didn't want to.  He'll get around to contacting me when he's ready to take more crap from out back.  Or maybe start dismantling that giant pole building.  Whatevs.  I've got too much to do to spend time wondering when he's next going to pop out of his tunnel. 

But sheesh......it really is all about them isn't it?!!
Did you perhaps write "Ugg no take safe. Safe go when back yard clean and pole shed gone." Fewer syllables, easy to read.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline stillbaffledTopic starter

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #83 on: July 15, 2018, 10:59:19 AM »
Man, OR, I just busted right out laughing at both of your responses! 

Loved the Steppenwolf music video.  Maybe I should try the standing on one foot on the seat trick!??!  LOL!  I love riding motorcycle.  Simply love it. 

Fewer syllables......I should have thought of that.   ;D
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Online Treasur

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #84 on: July 15, 2018, 11:25:06 AM »
'No, F**k off' has only a few syllables...just saying  ;)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #85 on: July 15, 2018, 11:54:59 AM »
I do love that you just took off on your ride and enjoyed your day without giving his crap a second thought. Amazing detachment.

In the past 2 weeks my Mlcer has asked what day I was returning from my trip no less than 4 times. And each time it came as a huge shock to him. As though it was the first time he’s ever heard this information. Amazing how their brains seemed to have completely shut down.
Me 47
H 45
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #86 on: July 15, 2018, 03:03:31 PM »
It truly is amazing how little seems to get through. My H was one of the smartest people I ever met. I am utterly amazed at his inability or unwillingness to comprehend simple concepts now. A size 12 sneaker will not fit in a suitcase purchased for a 6 year old. I am not saying this to be evil. It is just a fact.
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Online CanLetGo

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #87 on: July 15, 2018, 05:07:01 PM »
Love that you went riding, and lovely that your FIL came!
Me 45
H 48
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014, D June 2018
OW 17 years younger

Offline MourningDove

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #88 on: July 15, 2018, 07:00:38 PM »
It is not funny in reality, as it is frustrating to no end, but you do have to laugh. I too have sworn when I have spoken to Xh at times that I must sound like the teacher in one of the Charlie Brown animations. Maybe there is some odd thing that happens in that fog that surrounds them.

But, you handled it well and I am so glad it is not getting to you the way it once did. You took control of not only enjoying your day, but gave him a response that works for you. That has to feel good.  ;)

Offline FearNot

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #89 on: July 15, 2018, 08:00:00 PM »
Love the responses of fewer syllables! ;D I might have to try that. Too bad I didn't think of that before the lawyers, could've saved on paperwork maybe. Lol.

SB- I totally feel you on the him showing up on the one day your not around. Fortunately my H is predictable and we can only communicate (I know it's pushing to say they can communicate) on Fridays. Good for you for standing your ground, living your life anyways and not letting him ruin your plans. It's awesome you have a supportive bad ass neighbor! Hang in there SB. Sending support, hugs and prayers. They are such wingnuts!!
M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #90 on: July 15, 2018, 10:50:56 PM »
Oh goodness SB.  He must drive by your place every day!  Definitely be sure to lock the gate.  SMH about not listening about the safe/guns.

So glad you have a great neighbor who's got your back!
M-40
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-13
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back
1 year later no signs of anyone new - workaholic


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10203.msg671589#msg671589

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline No expectations

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #91 on: July 16, 2018, 03:37:07 AM »
So glad you got time for your wind therapy, SB.  The best cure for MLC issues! 😀
Married 11 1/2 years, together 18.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 50. OW 23.  Moved back 4/18.  Reconnecting and working on our M.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline Acorn

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #92 on: July 16, 2018, 06:26:06 AM »
Well, another case to prove that MLCers can put a rocket together at work but can’t comprehend and remember any sentences involving more than 5 words outside their offices.

I recall reading an old thread about MLCer not being able to find his own a** with 2 hands and a torch light and yet could design a most complicated piece of machinery at work.
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline Ropeburn

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #93 on: July 16, 2018, 08:34:06 AM »
SB
   Lol they know everything , remember nothing .Good for you riding . I too am beginning to set boundaries and stick to them . :)
We are never so defenseless against suffering as when we love,never so helplessly unhappy  as when we have lost our love object or its love
Sigmund Freud

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #94 on: July 16, 2018, 10:46:43 PM »
SB, is it possible he really does know when you are out?  When I was keen on finding out where H was meeting ow, (just after BD) I phoned a Private Detective who told me it was super easy to find where someone is and suggested GPS tracking devices and Apps for his phone.

I decided it wasn't worth it, but I could have had access to all sorts of stuff, even his emails if I'd wanted.

It does seem incredible he knows the days you are not around and there would be no way of getting this information on advance, so I smell a rat ;)

I understand your frustration, mine is super frustrating too and doesn't seem to speak or understand English.  Must be a part of the MLC - completely forgetting how good their life was and how to speak and understand English ;D

I'd be going with pictures next time.  The type that are used for pre-school children.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #95 on: July 17, 2018, 03:06:13 AM »
SB,

If you have an Android phone and xH knows your Android account PW or you have one of the Anti-Virus suites with a "Find My Phone" function and he knows the PW, all he has to do is log in and he can pull up the current location of your phone..... Where your phone goes, there art thou also....

First thing I did was to change those passwords so my Mid-Lifer is in the dark. Her method was to drop her phone in the toilet (again) and have to get a new one.... and therefore establish a new account....
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #96 on: July 17, 2018, 06:31:09 AM »

It does seem incredible he knows the days you are not around and there would be no way of getting this information on advance, so I smell a rat ;)


btw... on the "why do they keep tabs" thread, how many LBSers comment, "oh no, not mine"?

H-54
me-52
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...semi-vanisher
https://heneversaidaword.com

Offline Thunder

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #97 on: July 17, 2018, 06:59:01 AM »
Nah, my H is so non-technical he wouldn't even think to follow me that way.
Doesn't have FB and only uses his phone to call me or work.  I have access to his phone.  He has never even looked at mine.  Just not a snooper like I was.  ;D

He watched me, but never followed me.  Guess he didn't care to.   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline stillbaffledTopic starter

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #98 on: July 17, 2018, 11:14:50 AM »
At BD time my MLCer still carried a flip phone.  Thought a smart phone was a ridiculous waste of money.  I ran our cell phone account even though it was his plan.  I got off his plan within the first three months after he slapped D papers on me.  I have an iPhone.  I am pretty sure my MLCer wouldn't even think of any electronic tracking.  I have no idea about the OWifey.

I figured he got up that morning (we'd had three inches of rain the night before) and decided since he couldn't be in the fields he'd come do some summer purge.  Saw the gate open and sent the text.  Of course he also saw my fresh tracks out of the driveway so he was pretty sure I wasn't there. 

I got another text early Monday morning requesting purging time Monday night and also for Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday.   ???

I just replied that Monday evening would work.  I'll see what I have going on for the other days first. 

I was outside working at my woodpile last night when he pulled in.  Drove right by me, unloaded the Bobcat, and started hauling scrap iron to his trailer.  I just keep working.  He took one load out and was gone for about 20 minutes.  I have no idea where it went but I hope the OWifey gets a bit irritated about all this crap showing up on her newly purchased acreage!   ;) 

Took another load and by that time the sun was setting.  I headed inside, figuring he was done but 20 minutes later back he came to load the Bobcat back on the empty trailer.  He's just going to use it here today again but I guess he figured I might do something to it in a fit of rage or something.   ::)   

No words spoken but that's no surprise to me.  He hasn't wanted to talk to me or deal with his stuff since he walked away on BD day. 

I knew summer purge was going to mar my summer a bit.  He's back there working and it seems like it should just be like it always was.  This crap is so fricking crazy.  Treasur had posted today that when it's done, it's done.  I have to keep telling myself that.  Just finish getting him off my property and the stuff out of the house at the end and be done.   

Ursa - my MLCer didn't know a PW to anything.  Not even his online banking.  Probably didn't know he had online banking capability.  I took care of all that.  He's the epitome of computer illiterate.   From the looks of the money he's spending, OWifey is in charge of the finances now! 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline Still Half full

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #99 on: July 17, 2018, 05:51:32 PM »
It really is crazy, driving past you, probably several times, and not saying one word to you 😳

It does show that he's not in his right mind. You'd say hello or nod, or something to a stranger in the street, totally ignoring someone you've spent years with just isn't 'normal'

I think I'd have been tempted to smash his newly replaced truck window just to make him say something 😂 But I'm not as cool and classy as you

I'm sorry you're having to contend with this, but I'm really glad you stuck to your plan of letting this happen at a time which is best for you, it's probably going to be a rough few weeks, so I'm sending you supportive thoughts for the summer purge 😊
At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H living with ow again
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

Offline FearNot

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #100 on: July 17, 2018, 05:57:40 PM »

I knew summer purge was going to mar my summer a bit.  He's back there working and it seems like it should just be like it always was.  This crap is so fricking crazy.. 

Hear! Hear SB! I agree with that! I don't understand what they do in the least bit! I don't understand how all of a sudden we become so invisible to them. Sorry you have to deal with H being there but hopefully he gets his crap and and OWifey can contend with the new lawn ornaments. Hang in there. Sending hugs and support.
M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #101 on: July 17, 2018, 10:04:53 PM »
It does show that he's not in his right mind. You'd say hello or nod, or something to a stranger in the street, totally ignoring someone you've spent years with just isn't 'normal'

SHF, are you trying to tell us that MLCers aren't 'normal' people ;D

I would not be at all surprised if my xH did the same thing.  All bat$hit crazy :o

At lease he's clearing things out.  From my experience MLCers seem to have 'bursts' of energy they can't sustain and then retreat back into their darkness.  They also only do things that benefit them, if there's nothing in it for them, they don't bother.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Ropeburn

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #102 on: July 17, 2018, 10:37:36 PM »
Stillbaffled
   Hmmmm my X tries to be super sweet , makes me sick and suspecting he is up to something  ::)
   He still can't hug me though got those big cooties still yet lol

Summer purge may be a bit frustrating for you ,but at least he is doing something. Maybe a steel beam will go through his back glass and on through the front. With him not in it ,just hurt his wallet not him. My X babies his truck until he dinged the tailgate just a little..well you would have thought he totaled the thing the way he acted  :'( ::)lol
We are never so defenseless against suffering as when we love,never so helplessly unhappy  as when we have lost our love object or its love
Sigmund Freud

Online 1trouble

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #103 on: July 18, 2018, 12:53:44 AM »
At BD time my MLCer still carried a flip phone.  Thought a smart phone was a ridiculous waste of money.  I ran our cell phone account even though it was his plan.  I got off his plan within the first three months after he slapped D papers on me.  I have an iPhone.  I am pretty sure my MLCer wouldn't even think of any electronic tracking.  I have no idea about the OWifey.

My MLC'er is also not bothered about technology, he learns what he has to learn to get by and has never been a gadget person but the OW has full control over his phone and I think he has a tracker on it and my mobile has been blocked on it.....so I wouldn't be surprised if OW keeps tabs just to ensure she knows where he is and where you are at any given time.
Even if they are married that doesn't stop her insecurity.....she knows more than anyone else marriage doesn't stop you straying!

This crap is so fricking crazy.  Treasur had posted today that when it's done, it's done.  I have to keep telling myself that.  Just finish getting him off my property and the stuff out of the house at the end and be done.


I think SF is right they do things in bursts when the depression is less and then the fog comes in again and the energy to face and sort out stuff goes and that's most of the time which is why the OW in a lot of stories are firmly in control for most of the time.

It is crazy and I think, as time goes on, they spend time in their heads in a daze unable to really engage in convo with anyone and definitely not with people who know them so well. 
I think in the latter stages they find it harder and harder to pretend to be fine with their choices and to wear the 'happy with my lot' mask so they retreat even more because the other choice is to face it and even small talk with the person he loves and has known for so many years would start to crack the veneer now....

So he puts his head down and tries to focus on the job in hand and with nagging voices and memories threatening to break through his thoughts at any time...…..

And I hate to say this SF but I don't think Treasur is right.....he could remove every bit of property BUT he cant remove the memories, he cant remove the shock and trauma of BD and what he has done and he cant remove the sadness of what he has destroyed ……
it wont stop the cycling and it wont stop the monkey braining...…..it just means he has removed the last of his belongings from your property.
To truly be done is an active decision and takes a lot of determination to stop any sort of thoughts forming in your head.
Its similar to physical exercise you have to have the determination to keep it up   

Ursa - my MLCer didn't know a PW to anything.  Not even his online banking.  Probably didn't know he had online banking capability.  I took care of all that.  He's the epitome of computer illiterate.   From the looks of the money he's spending, OWifey is in charge of the finances now!

This is my MLC'er too and its why the OW managed to have so much control because basically he let her x
"I can't go back to yesterday I was a different person then"..............Alice in Wonderland

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Online Treasur

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #104 on: July 18, 2018, 01:19:42 AM »
And I hate to say this SF but I don't think Treasur is right.....he could remove every bit of property BUT he cant remove the memories, he cant remove the shock and trauma of BD and what he has done and he cant remove the sadness of what he has destroyed ……
it wont stop the cycling and it wont stop the monkey braining...…..it just means he has removed the last of his belongings from your property.
To truly be done is an active decision and takes a lot of determination to stop any sort of thoughts forming in your head.
Its similar to physical exercise you have to have the determination to keep it up   


Fair point, 1T. I guess it's about who is doing the 'done'?

Them? No, if they are ever to be healthy in their own skin again, their 'done-ness' actions can't erase their own past, their own actions and the consequences of them. All those things are real. Do some do done and never find the courage to look at it? Probably, but I suspect it never feels 'done' enough to them because the way they behaved gave no emotional closure really. My xh will either live with a 20 year black hole in his own life story because he's too scared to look at it or he will reach a point when he can't and has to deal with it. No idea which.

Us? I think we probably do 'done' too before we feel 'done'? And being done doesn't erase our memories, the trauma and damage or our own cycling either. We just have to find a different solo route to move forward anyway but have the same lack of closure really. But I think there is a point that some of us reach when we know that we need to do 'done' to find peace and normality again...and we choose different actions and rituals maybe to scrabble towards that spot. But at least we can look at our past blessings and memories eventually without fear, and our black hole is probably a couple of post-BD years  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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Online UrsaMajor

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #105 on: July 18, 2018, 01:38:21 AM »

Them? No, if they are ever to be healthy in their own skin again, their 'done-ness' actions can't erase their own past, their own actions and the consequences of them. All those things are real. Do some do done and never find the courage to look at it? Probably, but I suspect it never feels 'done' enough to them because the way they behaved gave no emotional closure really. My xh will either live with a 20 year black hole in his own life story because he's too scared to look at it or he will reach a point when he can't and has to deal with it. No idea which.

If it is Option 1 where they live with an enormous black hole, then it isn't "done."  It is prolonged (aka "terminal")  Escape and Avoid....

It is exactly the "black Hole" phenomenon  that was a catalyst to the MLC in the first place.... (according to the wondershrink - my mom ;D ) The Mid-Lifer has this gaping infinite emptiness inside them from some previous life experience that they have never dealt with, never been able to get past, never learned to sooth their own inner anguish...

Their actions in the way that they treat us just adds to it until they CHOOSE to do the work and to look and deal with it... THAT usually means that they have examined Black Hole 1 first because they have to start at the beginning and work forward rather than dealing with the newest first and working towards the oldest... Working "new to old"  increases the odds logarithmically that they loose the energy to look and deal and therefore preordain themselves to a repeat of their MLC....
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #106 on: July 18, 2018, 02:07:06 AM »
Treasur
I was talking in the context of an LBS......and whereas I get what you are saying about chosing 'done'......I see very few examples on here of people who actually have done that TBH...
There are those who can shut themselves down the minute that someone betrays them.....but the vast majority of LBS's are not in that camp...and I believe if we were then maybe this wouldn't have happened...but thats a whole new discussion and I am not saying its our fault BTW...... 

I have found through this experience that you can never say never............….before all of this I would never have thought I would have done all the things I have done and accepted some of the things I have accepted but I did and I have....

I thought when H divorced me I would be done.....my heart had other ideas...….I am at the moment trying to cope with the fact he is now going to marry the nutjob in 10 days time...……...I wont lie it hurts like hell, but it was on the cards when the divorce started.....
But am I done.....?
I truly don't know, as my heart still hurts and I still love him very much and still find it very very hard to accept what happened to him...….

So I don't ask myself if I am done, because it doesn't matter in the great scheme of things...I have no big announcement to make...I get on with my life and I make each day count because if I dont then I have allowed 'them (H and OW) to influence my life more than they have already.
I plan things for me, I enjoy the time I spend with those who want to spend time with me, I live my life and IF there ever comes a day that H contacts me and wants to try again.....that's when I know if I am done or not...until then no-one really does IMO

BUT you can have control over your thoughts to a point and not give into some of the more negative and more emotional thoughts which is what I was referring too in my previous post

URSA - I kept the post of your mum's explanation of MLC, although at the time I didn't want to accept her version...because at the time I wanted to read the more optimistic stories and experiences...…
But now, as I move through this, I can see there is a great deal of wisdom and experience in her words that you simply cannot ignore and it has helped me to accept (along with other things I have read) that this is totally about demons from H's past and until he is ready to face them, then as you say he is escaping and avoiding like the vast majority on here...….its very sad

« Last Edit: July 18, 2018, 02:13:25 AM by 1trouble »
"I can't go back to yesterday I was a different person then"..............Alice in Wonderland

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Online Treasur

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #107 on: July 18, 2018, 02:47:48 AM »
It's such a personal thing, isn't it 1T?
Including maybe how we see 'done' or the spectrum of 'done-ness'.
And you know I can empathise with the remarriage thing in my own recent experience...so my heart hurts for you.

I can only speak for me.
I'm not sure I'll ever be completely 'done' with v1 but I don't believe he exists now.
My xh becoming someone else's h was an uncrossable line for me.
And the fact that I am still getting anonymous threats and abuse.
Both of these mean I have to be done with any link to him. For my future and my safety.
I want peace and normality and joy more than I want to stay open to any kind of connection.
Still hurts though and feels a bit sad.
Perhaps it is more about being done with the situation?

I've always thought that UM's Mum made a lot of sense  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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Offline stillbaffledTopic starter

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #108 on: July 18, 2018, 07:45:20 AM »
Thanks Treasur, 1T, and Ursa for the good discussion.

When I used the 'done is done' statement I meant that when all his things are finally gone from here I will be done with having to worry about how to get rid of all that stuff out back.  I will be done with trying to figure out if I have a large pole building still standing or if it will be gone.  I will be done having to look at his stuff and wish I could get rid of it or sell it. 

He was here all day last Thursday.  He was here for several hours Monday night.  He was here all afternoon and evening yesterday.  I was mowing lawn and working outside.   He goes out with trailer load upon trailer load.  He was here at 7:30 this morning.  Probably plans to spend all day.  I wouldn't know because he doesn't speak to me and I don't bother him.  He can see me outside working so he knows I'm here. 

I have kept track of how many hours he's spent just trying to remove stuff.  He's done nothing regarding the dismantling of the pole building but stuff is sure leaving my property. 

I agree with SF and 1T about the bursts of energy.  He literally has spent more time with me (or rather on my property) this week than he has with OWifey!   ???    He seems to be on a mission, which is good for me.   

I'll be texting him later this evening to let him know he won't have access to the property for a week or so.  I'm leaving on a vacation with my sister-in-law and the nieces and their kids.  I will tell him that I'll give him days in August to finish the clean up.
   
Thanks to all of you for the support.  Summer Purge is moving along nicely at the current moment.   

SHF - what's happening in your world?  How about an update on your thread!?   ;)   
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline Thunder

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #109 on: July 18, 2018, 08:07:16 AM »
Still, here's my take.

I think OWifey gave him strict orders...DO NOT dare talk to your xw!  Say NOTHING to her!  Just get all your stuff ASAP and get away from her.  I think he's scared to death to talk to you.

Whatdayathink?   ;D

I'm SO bad.  I'd have to go out of my way to go over and say hi to him.   "How's it going?"  He'd probably have a stroke. 
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Nas

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #110 on: July 18, 2018, 08:12:15 AM »
I am just trying to catch up on your thread, still.  Just shaking my head at the cowardliness. 

I just read an article about how if you are still avoiding your ex so completely after a long time, it means you have major unfinished business.  That's the understatement of the century with these guys.
Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

Offline stillbaffledTopic starter

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #111 on: July 18, 2018, 03:43:52 PM »

I just read an article about how if you are still avoiding your ex so completely after a long time, it means you have major unfinished business.  That's the understatement of the century with these guys.


It's interesting how different they are.  I read the stories here of the clingers and how much interaction they continue to have.  Even the ones that live elsewhere that still text, call, email or show up where the LBS is.  I know some of it is to see their children but there are those that still stay in touch with the LBS spouse. 

Then there are those of us who got the ones that did the cut and run and try really hard to stay vanished.  Mine has never, not once, contacted me about anything other than something he needed from my property.  Never told me what I did or didn't do.  Wiped 45 years of knowing each other right off the map. 

I just spent the last 10 minutes standing right next to mine talking to him.  I wanted to let him know that the property would not be accessible to him for a week but that I'd give him some days in August to finish.  Literally, I stood 2 feet from him and it was like talking to somebody I'd hired from the yellow pages to do work on my property.   :o

I will forever remain baffled at what has happened to this man I've known since we were both teenagers.   

He doesn't look at me with disgust or speak meanly to me.  He looks at me like I'm somebody he wouldn't be remotely interested in having a random conversation with. 

Man, I'm glad I'm going on vacation for a week.  Summer Purge is kind of a drag. 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline No expectations

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #112 on: July 18, 2018, 03:52:53 PM »
SB,

I hope you have a wonderful vacation!  There really is no explanation for their behavior, is there....
Married 11 1/2 years, together 18.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 50. OW 23.  Moved back 4/18.  Reconnecting and working on our M.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline OffRoad

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #113 on: July 18, 2018, 05:53:33 PM »
Speaking of Doneness, I think there are varying types of done. I, personally, am done with the marriage that was, and the XH that is. It doesn't mean that I am not open to something else in the future, but I'm also not hoping or counting on it. So Done is relative. Done with the padt, moving to the future. JMO.

Enjoy your vacation.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #114 on: July 19, 2018, 07:05:42 PM »
I read an article similar to that of Nas, it said that if there was any emotion left for the spouse, there was unfinished business and an attachment which hadn't yet been broken.  The article also said if the person had truly moved on, they would not be affected by what the other person did, neither do they care of wonder, check up on etc. This is true for either the MLCer or the LBS.

I understand the 'yellow pages' man SB, probably better than the Tinder man.  It's amazing how cold someone we had children with and spent a great part of our lives loving, can treat us like a call center employee.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline beyondblessed

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #115 on: July 20, 2018, 05:26:28 AM »
I don't and never have thought that time changes people.  I think eventually, it just reveals their true character.  Character that they may have kept well hidden, but if we are truly honest with ourselves....and that's what growing and moving forward take, true, bare bones honesty, bits and pieces slipped out, here and there.

But, I do agree that "done" is very individual specific.  I've always said we, as individuals, decide and choose.  We decide how we let people treat us and vice versa, we decide how we treat others.  Same is true, be it MLCer or LBS.  We all determine the course and quality of our lives by our choices.  And, by reading the hundreds of threads on here, I think it is safe to say which side of this fares better in the long run.  Done for me is never looking back, never having contact, and counting my blessings every day that part of my life is done, and that I get to keep choosing how to best live the rest of my life free of someone who thinks I'm a yellow pages resource.

Offline Thunder

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #116 on: July 20, 2018, 07:47:52 AM »
Still, I've always felt indifference is worse than hate.

Hating you is at least an emotion, indifference makes you feel invisible.

I'm sorry your X has to be the way he is.  Is it really that hard to just treat someone with a little kindness?
Maybe that's guilt, I don't know.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Nas

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #117 on: July 20, 2018, 08:32:47 AM »
I don't think Still's H is being indifferent.  If he was indifferent, he would talk to her, just with no real interest.  He is practically making an Olympic sport out of avoiding her.  That's due to being a coward and not being able to face his feelings, whatever they may be.

But I agree, having been on the receiving end of such cruel silence, it does make you feel invisible and it's just a horrible, cruel way to treat anyone, no matter who they are.
Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #118 on: July 24, 2018, 05:35:27 AM »
He's a MLCer so not indifferent, just avoiding what has to happen one day - to actually look at his problems and take responsibility for what he's done.

MLCers try to look like someone they are not.  What they actually are is frightened, depressed and sad, even if we don't see it.  They know we know ;)
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Acorn

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #119 on: July 24, 2018, 06:13:09 AM »
Literally, I stood 2 feet from him and it was like talking to somebody I'd hired from the yellow pages to do work on my property.   :o

I will forever remain baffled at what has happened to this man I've known since we were both teenagers.   

He doesn't look at me with disgust or speak meanly to me.  He looks at me like I'm somebody he wouldn't be remotely interested in having a random conversation with. 

He could have been putting on the ‘cool, calm, and collected’ thing we as LBS try to do???  I found that H was trying put on an act to portray himself as a guy that didn’t appear to be perturbed about anything he did and was doing against M and F.  It was all a mask... Because he is a live-in, I witnessed his mask slipping rather often.  Hence, my guess about your H doing the 3 C’s.

I faked 3 C’s (I had a good example to follow in H  ;D) until I genuinely felt that my behaviour matched my brain - nonchalant, content, ‘I’m living my life to the full despite your bastardly deeds’ attitude.

I’m wondering if he had similar interpretation of your attitude as well.  A lady that found him on Yellow pages to remove some junk from her yard. 

Just a thought...
« Last Edit: July 24, 2018, 06:37:10 AM by UrsaMajor »
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
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Offline stillbaffledTopic starter

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #120 on: July 30, 2018, 02:41:25 PM »

I’m wondering if he had similar interpretation of your attitude as well.  A lady that found him on Yellow pages to remove some junk from her yard. 

Just a thought...

Good point, Acorn!  Cool, calm, and collected is what I aim for, as well as detached.  It's how he's been since he walked out the door two and a half years ago.  He was silent and indifferent and has polished it up rather well. 

I know there are many here that feel compassion and sympathy for what their MLCer is going through.  I just can't get there.  I also see that many of those that feel that way have an MLCer that tells them that they still love them, or want to come home, or they have a few kind actions they exhibit.  My MLCer?  Nothing even remotely close to any of that.  So far he hasn't monstered much or mentioned that he hates me and I ruined his life.  Could be because I still have all his guns!!   ;)  At any rate, I am thankful that I don't get the nastiness that some of you get. 

I don't feel bitterness, but I don't wish to be friendly either.  In fact, I really don't even want to be cordial.   Pure avoidance seems to be the only way I can move forward in life so it's probably a blessing that he chooses the avoidance and indifference as well. 

Journaling:

Vacation was good.  Four adult women with four children ages 7, 5, 2 and 4 months!  Wowsa.  It wasn't one of those relaxing vacations.  We did amusement parks, water parks, swimming pools, miniature golf and even a trip into Canada so the nieces could actually say they'd been there.  I've been to Canada many times and so had my sister-in-law so no big deal for us.  I'm not sure what they were expecting but they were happy to say they'd been there! 

If you are a live alone LBS you can imagine how quiet the first couple days and nights seemed after 24/7 for 10 days with that crew!  In fact, the first night I just sat and listened to the silence while the tears rolled down my face.  MLCer and I took so many motorcycle trips, as well as other trips with my family.   I scrapbooked all of our trips and when I look at pictures I see a happy, loving life, guy. 

I had yard and garden work to do as well and I suppose I was tired and exhausted from driving for two days with kids that it all just kind of overwhelmed me.  But, like any strong LBS I just gave up and went to bed and told myself it would all be better in the morning.  And so life rolls on. 

I've been home a few days now and haven't heard a word from MLCer about finishing up Summer Purge.  There is still lots to do here so I hope he hasn't put it on the back burner because when I go back to work later this month it needs to be done!  He left a trailer here in the big shed to continue hauling stuff so he'll be back.  If I haven't heard from him by the end of this week I'll be sending him a text.  My mission this summer was to get his stuff off my property.  Tick tock, MLCer. 

 

 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #121 on: July 30, 2018, 07:20:23 PM »
Sometimes vacations are grand adventures and not quite so relaxing. And when we are exhausted we have those overwhelmed and teary moments. I always think of NoEx now when I am tired and having a moment because I remember she told me to always check to see if I am tired. Thinking in NoEx always makes me smile and then I declare myself tired and pack up my meltdown go to bed.

My H’s stuff is still here too. Haven’t heard a word.
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #122 on: July 31, 2018, 10:02:59 AM »
Operation Summer Purge. I love it. And I understand the sads too. Being tired, as DF pointed out, does make a difference for sure. And sometimes the thought of out old lives just breaks in and reminds us all over again of what used to be and how the MLCers  blew it all up. Can’t help but be sad sometimes. I love that you told yourself you were having a moment and that tomorrow would be a better day. That is so freaking healthy!!! I need to do more of that.

I thinks it’s 50/50 as to whether yours will be by to pick up the rest of his stuff. DF—LB is so afraid of you he might actually attempt to break in to get his crap before facing you. Amazing how, no matter how different their personalities are, they are all shells of the people they used to be.
Me 47
H 45
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #123 on: July 31, 2018, 07:00:00 PM »
 LB should be afraid. I am wicked bada$$ now.  8)
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline OffRoad

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #124 on: July 31, 2018, 08:20:38 PM »
He left a trailer here in the big shed to continue hauling stuff so he'll be back.  If I haven't heard from him by the end of this week I'll be sending him a text.  My mission this summer was to get his stuff off my property.  Tick tock, MLCer.
Maybe he just left a trailer there to join the shed? Take this item, replace it with that item...  Inquiring minds want to know....

I'm sorry about the sadness. I, oddly enough, get sad when too many people want too much from me. Someone always wants my time, my expertise, something. I enjoy sitting alone. But I have friends who really love having people around and they get sad, too when all the people leave. I think that is more of a personality thing, rather than an LBS thing. I think sometimes we attribute normal sadness to the MLCness of our lives. You had a great time with a group of children and adults. It can be sad when the good times are over. And that's OK to be sad and recharge.

Now it's time for a vacation from your vacation.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #125 on: August 01, 2018, 09:02:00 AM »
KIT you jinxed it - got a one line message from LB last night wanting me to "deliver" him his "items" "any weekend" this month.  As yesterday was the last day of "this month" I guess he mean next month - August and he doesn't really say WHERE he wants the stuff delivered.  So cryptic.     
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Online 1trouble

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #126 on: August 01, 2018, 01:08:30 PM »

I know there are many here that feel compassion and sympathy for what their MLCer is going through.  I just can't get there.  I also see that many of those that feel that way have an MLCer that tells them that they still love them, or want to come home, or they have a few kind actions they exhibit.  My MLCer?  Nothing even remotely close to any of that.  So far he hasn't monstered much or mentioned that he hates me and I ruined his life.  Could be because I still have all his guns!!   ;)  At any rate, I am thankful that I don't get the nastiness that some of you get. 

I don't feel bitterness, but I don't wish to be friendly either.  In fact, I really don't even want to be cordial.   Pure avoidance seems to be the only way I can move forward in life so it's probably a blessing that he chooses the avoidance and indifference as well. 

You know SB as someone who's MLC'er did say he loved me and said vague stuff about coming home, I remember getting (at the time) some comfort from it BUT.....in the end he still married OW....so really he was being more duplicitous  and either intentionally or unintentionally cruel...

I do have compassion for my MLC'er but I have wondered (a lot) if maybe that's me not fully letting go...….or maybe its just who I am.....
I know I have often been told I have one of those personalities where I am always able to put the other side of the story/argument and try to get the other person to see someone else's point of view. and because of this friends seem to always want to talk to me because I reason stuff out for them..... Its just the way my brain works, I guess...….. BUT maybe that's not a good thing dealing with MLC and my own $hite...…and I do wish sometimes, I could be more like some of my friends and be one of those people who follow the 'fool me once, shame on you...fool me twice shame on me...' outlook
But I am who I am and like you I don't do bitterness because its a negative emotion that eats up YOU and is very self destructive....

As I go through this and my MLC'er does more and more destructive things I gain more wisdom and my view changes a little and I can totally get what you said about not wanting to be friends etc.....I feel now the only time I want to hear from him is if he is having a full breakdown or has gone through the whole process and come out the other side.

I don't want to help or be a friend any more I wanted to be his wife............he took that away from me and gave it to someone so below me its insulting.
 

If you are a live alone LBS you can imagine how quiet the first couple days and nights seemed after 24/7 for 10 days with that crew!  In fact, the first night I just sat and listened to the silence while the tears rolled down my face.  MLCer and I took so many motorcycle trips, as well as other trips with my family.   I scrapbooked all of our trips and when I look at pictures I see a happy, loving life, guy.

I haven't been away, since this all happened more than 4 nights in 3 years...……...some of that has been circumstances because of health problems (me or the dog) or money BUT if I am honest its because I hate the coming back here.....

It was hard enough to go away with J (the dog) and without H BUT to come back after being with others to the emptiness is even harder....whilst I am in the 'bubble' of being an LBS with a dog and job and home its 'comfortable'.....then I step out of my 'bubble' and go back into it....and the enormity, the loss and the emptiness...the missing the real person I loved so much and him not being here....well its like BD all over again............only you recover quicker...
 I think we all just get on with stuff, time moves on and we get in a non MLC'er routine...but bubbling under the surface are the loss and the memories and lost love

I hope your summer purge continues SB....
"I can't go back to yesterday I was a different person then"..............Alice in Wonderland

you NEVER know how strong you are, until being strong is the ONLY choice you have"

Offline Tyks

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #127 on: August 01, 2018, 01:27:45 PM »
Sb, I am glad that you had a nice vacation. I am sure it was nice to get away even if it was chaotic lol. I understand the tears when you returned home. I have had a lot of that after such great times. It is almost like a drug. You feel great when you are high on it but when you come down and reality hits you get a little sad.

Themain thing is we learn how to shut that $h!tee down. That means that we are healing from this awful hand that we were dealt.

I do hope that summer purge continues for you as I am sure that looking at all his stuff doesn't help your healing in any regard.
Me 48
Him 48
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out
D15 D18
April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce
Divorce final February 12 2018

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8823.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9005.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9120.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9279.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9649.msg635725#msg635725

Offline FearNot

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #128 on: August 01, 2018, 02:38:29 PM »
Hey SB! It's always seems more overwhelming when we are tired. I also find that after I have done something that I have enjoyed I often think of H. Wishing we could've shared it whether that be physically having him there or just there to tell him about it when it's over and the tears happen. We miss the H we had.

If avoidance is what works for you then, I don't see anything wrong with that.  :)

Be kind to yourself, allow yourself some rest. That was a busy holiday, you obviously need it the rest. Our bodies tell us that, we like to ignore it sometimes though.

 I don't think we realize how much we internalize some of this stuff, and that although we have rationalized it, in our heads we've got the concept of it, we still carry the weight of it unknowingly. I had no idea I would feel such relief after the rejection of refinancing. In my mind I came to terms with the possibility, but there was a weight there that I didn't even realize I was carrying.. and it was heavy. Hoping summer purge continues and you can be set free of the goods that remain on your property and that door can be closed and the weight of it gone for good!

Hugs and Prayers,
FN
M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline stillbaffledTopic starter

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #129 on: August 01, 2018, 03:10:24 PM »

I thinks it’s 50/50 as to whether yours will be by to pick up the rest of his stuff. DF—LB is so afraid of you he might actually attempt to break in to get his crap before facing you. Amazing how, no matter how different their personalities are, they are all shells of the people they used to be.


A shell with a being inside that I could never have imagined, KIT. 

50/50 huh?!?  I was hoping the gun collection gave me better odds!   ;)
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline stillbaffledTopic starter

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #130 on: August 01, 2018, 03:12:11 PM »
He left a trailer here in the big shed to continue hauling stuff so he'll be back.  If I haven't heard from him by the end of this week I'll be sending him a text.  My mission this summer was to get his stuff off my property.  Tick tock, MLCer.
Maybe he just left a trailer there to join the shed? Take this item, replace it with that item...  Inquiring minds want to know....


That'd be to my advantage, OR!  The trailer he left if more valuable than all the scrap iron and junk he already hauled out! 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline stillbaffledTopic starter

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #131 on: August 01, 2018, 03:13:40 PM »
KIT you jinxed it - got a one line message from LB last night wanting me to "deliver" him his "items" "any weekend" this month.  As yesterday was the last day of "this month" I guess he mean next month - August and he doesn't really say WHERE he wants the stuff delivered.  So cryptic.   

Oh, DF!  LB is such a hot mess.  A bada$$ like you shouldn't be delivering anything to him.  I'm not even in your category and I put all his garage stuff out on my blacktop and sent him a text and told him he could pick it up! 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline stillbaffledTopic starter

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #132 on: August 01, 2018, 03:20:14 PM »

As I go through this and my MLC'er does more and more destructive things I gain more wisdom and my view changes a little and I can totally get what you said about not wanting to be friends etc.....I feel now the only time I want to hear from him is if he is having a full breakdown or has gone through the whole process and come out the other side.

I don't want to help or be a friend any more I wanted to be his wife............he took that away from me and gave it to someone so below me its insulting.

Pretty much how I'm feeling right now too, 1T.  Well said. 
 
I haven't been away, since this all happened more than 4 nights in 3 years...……...some of that has been circumstances because of health problems (me or the dog) or money BUT if I am honest its because I hate the coming back here.....

It was hard enough to go away with J (the dog) and without H BUT to come back after being with others to the emptiness is even harder....whilst I am in the 'bubble' of being an LBS with a dog and job and home its 'comfortable'.....then I step out of my 'bubble' and go back into it....and the enormity, the loss and the emptiness...the missing the real person I loved so much and him not being here....well its like BD all over again............only you recover quicker...
 I think we all just get on with stuff, time moves on and we get in a non MLC'er routine...but bubbling under the surface are the loss and the memories and lost love

You are also right in this instance, 1T.  I am very fortunate that my sister-in-law is pretty well off and owns timeshare weeks.  The nieces are like daughters and always want their favorite Auntie along.  They used to want their favorite uncle along too.  Guess we all know how that worked out for them.   :(

1T - I will forever think of OWifey as cocaine with a pulse.  Thanks for always dropping in on my updates. 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline stillbaffledTopic starter

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #133 on: August 01, 2018, 03:21:42 PM »

Themain thing is we learn how to shut that $h!tee down. That means that we are healing from this awful hand that we were dealt.


So right, Tyks.  And healing we are.  Hey, how are things going with the new guy?  Spill!   ;)
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline stillbaffledTopic starter

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #134 on: August 01, 2018, 03:23:30 PM »

 I don't think we realize how much we internalize some of this stuff, and that although we have rationalized it, in our heads we've got the concept of it, we still carry the weight of it unknowingly. I had no idea I would feel such relief after the rejection of refinancing. In my mind I came to terms with the possibility, but there was a weight there that I didn't even realize I was carrying.. and it was heavy. Hoping summer purge continues and you can be set free of the goods that remain on your property and that door can be closed and the weight of it gone for good!


FN - I'm go glad that refinancing for your H fell through.  What a victory.  How was the wine?  I hope you got a toast in to all of us!   
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline Thunder

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #135 on: August 06, 2018, 01:13:28 PM »
Hi Still, any word on Summer Purge continuing?

He's really pushing the time limit again, isn't he?

I know this sounds ridiculous, because of what a Vanisher he has been, but I can't help but wonder it it's not a strange way to stay connected, without actually connecting himself.  Having his stuff still there.
You'd think if he felt really done he would be in a hurry to get all his stuff away from you, and you'd think his trollop would want that too.  So he could be done.

I don't know, just seems a little strange to me.

Glad you had a fun vacation, even though coming down afterwards can be a little hard.
It gets easier.  Now I love coming home to my quiet.   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #136 on: August 06, 2018, 02:32:11 PM »
Attaching

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #137 on: September 08, 2018, 06:04:59 PM »
So did he get all of his stuff SB?

And did you have another vacation of some sort recently?  I recall something about the North Shore?
M-40
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-13
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back
1 year later no signs of anyone new - workaholic


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10203.msg671589#msg671589

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline OffRoad

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Re: The hills and valleys
« Reply #138 on: September 22, 2018, 12:10:17 AM »
Hi Still, any word on Summer Purge continuing?

He's really pushing the time limit again, isn't he?

I know this sounds ridiculous, because of what a Vanisher he has been, but I can't help but wonder it it's not a strange way to stay connected, without actually connecting himself.  Having his stuff still there.
You'd think if he felt really done he would be in a hurry to get all his stuff away from you, and you'd think his trollop would want that too.  So he could be done.

I don't know, just seems a little strange to me.

Glad you had a fun vacation, even though coming down afterwards can be a little hard.
It gets easier.  Now I love coming home to my quiet.   :)
See, that's what I sometimes think. A person who's done with you is DONE. They don't want to keep coming back and getting this and that. An adult doesn't use you as a storage dump. And why would WE want to BE that storage dump?
Another box on the "how do you know it's MLC?" list  to check.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

 

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