Author Topic: My Story They just don't understand  (Read 3438 times)

Online Stand TallTopic starter

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My Story They just don't understand
« on: May 30, 2018, 07:31:59 PM »
Hi everyone, It's been about 3 months for me since BD. You know the one, ILUBINILWY excuse. He told me at that time that he doesn't want to be with me anymore and that if I got divorced then he wouldn't give me anything. He would go to jail before he gave me anything. I thank God that I found you all.

For the first month he came around often and then ow showed up. My H is a man who is in a mans bike club, so when ow came into the picture I was told that I can't come to the clubhouse (ch) anymore. When he brought her out a few weeks later to our annual camping trip the girls where upset. They refused to talk to her.They missed me and were not happy that he did me the way that he did. So H got mad and told my gf's that they could not associate with me anymore. He told lies about me so that they would not talk to me anymore.

He did to me in this first month everything that I had asked him in the past to not do. Last time he came to the house was May 17th to get some clothes. Conversation was good. Felt like just another normal day of talking and sharing. He stayed an hour and a half. Gave me a hug like he always does and off he went. In the beginning he told me to pay the utilities and he would pay the mortgage. Well, that was a lie. We are now 2 months behind and probably looking at a foreclosure. Luckily my name is only on title. Also, found out that he isn't paying anything on his credit cards either. I hate to think that in the end he will be alone and in major debt.

I will petition the court tomorrow for spousal support. Maybe I can save the house. My biggest problem for me right now is panic attacks, anxiety and I think I have developed P.T.S.D. I worry all the time that he will come into the house when I'm sleeping. I really don't think that he would hurt me it's just the uncertainty. At the beginning of this month I went in the no contact mode. He would have to contact me. It did bring him around more often and he actually text me to tell me when he was coming over.

I know to not argue with him and mostly just listen to what he has to say. His M friends tell me that he is struggling with making decisions. They think the ow wont be around much longer. To be honest I really don't give a F about her. She gets to experience the ups and downs of this mlc. I've been told that he has lost a lot of weight, stringy hair, sick a lot and walks around depressed and pretty much stays away from everybody. I would love to get any info about what I can expect in the future months. What are some things that I need to do on my side. I'm not trying to get divorced. I just don't want to see him lose everything that he worked so hard to get.
« Last Edit: May 31, 2018, 01:52:26 AM by Thunder »
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Offline OldPilot

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #1 on: May 30, 2018, 07:35:11 PM »
Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
GAL.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4.msg380#msg380

Developing Detachment
http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.
Please stay on one thread until that thread reaches 150 posts as it is easier to keep track of that way.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Offline Thunder

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #2 on: May 31, 2018, 02:22:08 AM »
Stand,

I'm very sorry you are going through this, but you came to the right place for support.

You mentioned he will give you nothing if you divorce him, yet he wants nothing to do with you and has an ow.
It really is not up to him whether he gives you something or not.  That's up to the courts.  If he chooses jail, that's his problem.

Also if he is not paying the mortgage or his credit cards, that is also his problem.  Unless your name is on everything, too.
I'm glad you are going after spousal support.  That's a very good move on your part.  It's only what you legally deserve.
You said you are only on the title for the house.  Does that mean the house is his?
I guess I would talk to an attorney to get some answers to what all you can do.  You don't need to divorce him, but he does have responsibilities he needs to take care of.  You do need to protect yourself, financially.

I would worry more about yourself at this point, not him.  You are having anxiety and panic attacks, please see your doctor, they can give you something for that.
If you're worried he will come in the house at night put a chain lock on the inside of your back and front doors.  Their pretty easy to install.  You just lock them when you are home.  It will give you more peace of mind, plus keeping you safe from anyone else trying to come in at night when you're alone.

You will find these MLCer's become very selfish and only care about themselves.  Your job is to take care of yourself.
Let him worry about himself.

Keep posting.  Write any time you want to with questions, or just to get support.

Big Hug
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online Stand TallTopic starter

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #3 on: May 31, 2018, 06:59:50 PM »
Thank you for the help everyone.

  Well, I had a decent day. Went and got information from the courts to petition my H for spousal support. Will be getting that started tomorrow. I was also able to score 6 free sessions with a therapist. Something offered through my H job. It is completely confidential.

Ty OldPilot for all the resources you posted. I have been reading them off and on all day. It's a lot of great info and has helped me get my mind in check.

Thunder, I think with the spousal support I will be able to save the house. I will use it as an investment property and rent it out. I will be able to move in with S which will be perfect since I am his S, my GB full time nanny. I did tell you that I am on the title (deed) of the house, H is on the loan and I am not. If the house is foreclosed on it will not affect my credit. It will destroy his.

I felt so good today that I stopped at the store and bought supplies needed to kick start an old business that I dabbled in a few years ago. Lets see where this takes me.

The only question I have is if I move away and he comes looking for me will it confuse him and make him think that I didn't stand?

When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Offline Thunder

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #4 on: June 01, 2018, 04:52:12 AM »
Still, if it confuses him or makes him think you gave up, that's not always a bad thing.
He should worry about losing you.

Sounds like you have some plans moving forward, good for you.
I hope everything works out in your favor, with the courts.  Please let us know how it goes.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online Stand TallTopic starter

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What the heck just happened,
« Reply #5 on: June 07, 2018, 03:07:02 PM »
Hi everyone,

  I hate to meet you all this way, but thank you for being here. This is a restart of my story. I tried once before but left out most of my story.

  My H and I have been married for 19.10 years. Together for 23 yrs. We are each other's best friends. Sure we had arguments, but who doesn't? I have 3 grown kids and 1 GB from my 1st marriage and he has no kids. This is also his 2nd marriage. We are his family. My kids have good relationships with him. He told my son that I am his best friend and he does not want to lose me. 4th BD on March 13th 2018. He moved out. He told me that he didn't want to live with me anymore, but that he did not want to get divorced. He said he would pay the mortgage and I can pay the utilities. I got the ol ILUBINILWY for the reason. Then off he went. I was in shock. I figured a day or two and he would be back. Boy was I wrong.

  My H has been having troubles for years. He has left and came back 3 times and the 4th time he has not come back. I'm not surprised, he came from an awful mother who did not know how to love anyone but herself. H grew up with 8 kids from his stepdads side. They hated his mother. They believed that because of my H's M that their M killed herself. To get even they took their hate out on my H. They did things to him that no child should ever have happen to them. H was pulled from his M house to live in F house across the country. While living there he was beaten pretty bad from his F. So, he was sent back to his M across the country. At the age of 14 he was sent to live in a boys home. Stayed there till he graduated. Then off to the Navy were they picked him up to be a seal. A therapist that we once went to told us that Navy would pick people like my husband because there would be nobody looking for him or asking questions about the missions that he was sent on. I know of a few of them and they are ruff. Enough to mess up anyones mind.     I met him while he was in the Navy. After he told me his stories I promised him that I would never leave him like everyone else had left him. This was a promise that I would never break.

  My H joined a motorcycle club 1 1\2 years ago. We spent the last 9 yrs hanging around the club and doing club stuff. All of our friends are in the club. All of my girlfriends are married to or dating a club member. They were my biggest supports with this MLC stuff. In April, 2 days after my b-day out she came. The ow. My girlfriends were shocked and even told her that my H is married to which she responded "He is happy with me know". After this I was asked by a few of the club member if I thought that he was having a MLC. I had no clue what that was. Everyone was in shock. They knew I was a good wife. They were not in agreement with what he was doing. My H and I spent every weekend together doing things with the club. I asked him to not take my friends away from me. He said he wouldn't and that turned out to be a lie. At the beginning of April the club went on a camping trip. He took the ow. Non of the girls liked her, they said she was weird. Plus they all told me that they would not accept her. They wanted me back. They were texting me all day telling me that no one would talk to her. H and her mostly stayed in their trailer because she was being shunned. I was in shock when my girls told me some stories about this girl. Oh ya, he has definitely has affaired down. Way down. Not sure if anyone knows that bikers are a ruff bunch of men. The women do not talk back to them. While H was talking to a group of the men the ow says to my H, in an demanding voice, "tie my shoe"  He left the group and bent over and tied her show. This is not my husband. Then at a different time, the girls and one brother were sitting at a table talking and this ow came over and sat down, opened a box and proceeded to take out her sex toys and place them on the table. The man got up and left and the women didn't know what to say. How gross. So, ladies know you know what the ow are truly like. Nothing that we need to worry about.  :o

  After the camping trip out came the monster. He told all the women that they can no longer talk to me. He even made up lies and somehow was able to get a few of these women to lie for him. So, now I have lost all my girlfriends. It's ok, I have family that love me.

  Oh, at the camping trip one of the brothers ran into me watching the bands. He asked me what I wanted out of all this. I told him I want my H back. I want to fix us. He told me then I need to just leave him alone. Don't call him or text him. He said he didn't think that this was going to last much longer. He also told me that he and his W were working on there marriage. She went through a MLC and brought her om home to live in there house while my friend still lived there. I believe it took her a year and a half to get out of the tunnel. I took his advice, came home and looked up MLC. OMG, yes it describes him to a T.

  In closing I want to say In spite of the pain I am going through that I am proud of my H. I have wanted him to take this journey for so long. He needs to get his childhood out of his mind. I pray everyday for him to let go and walk the path that God is showing him. I don't give a rats ass about the girl. I know I am way better then her and I would hope that H can see that. To be honest, I'm not even sure if she is still around. My H comes to the house about 2 times a month and when he is there I am still his best friend. He tells me all about what he has been doing and what not. If they are lies then whatever. He seems happy telling me about them. I don't know how long this will last. I'm almost excited to see the new man that comes out of the tunnel. I always try to stay positive on things. Cup is always half full.
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain


Offline Thunder

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #7 on: June 08, 2018, 10:17:18 AM »
Stand, you do sound like a glass half full person.  That can get you through a lot of rough patches in life.

Just keep being you.  You're doing good.   :)

I hope our H can get through what he needs to get through and comes out a better person, but it can take years sometimes.  So no holding your breathe.  Just live your life.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online Stand TallTopic starter

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #8 on: June 12, 2018, 04:58:35 PM »
First I apologize for the double treads. I'm new to this.

  So, my H is a part time vanisher and comes by our house about twice a month. When he comes he is always pleasant to me. Today we talked about our house a little. We own a duplex and we (when he lived at home) lived in one and my S lives in the other. My H was whining about being so broke with paying the mortgage and renting a room in the house he lives in, probably ow house, so I told him our house has a spare room that he could stay in if he wanted to. I said you are paying the mortgage so why pay rent somewhere else. In reality I don't want him staying in my house right now. I was just being friendly. My son will be moving back to his house soon so I also told my H that he could always stay in the apartment. He thought a few minutes then said he might think about it. He also told me in that conversation that "He will never be coming back to live with me" I had to laugh inside because not 10 minutes before he showed up I read in someones thread about a former MLCer commenting in his book, "The Prodigal's Perspective", that when they say this to you feel lucky because its them trying to justify to themselves that they made the right choice. It shows that they are unsure. Half of his clothes are still here at the house and his mail still comes here. If he is never coming back then why not get your clothes out of here and have your mail sent to the house you are now living in. All it takes is paying for a P.o. Box. Claims he has no place to take his clothes. How about that room you are renting?

  Recently I had to get a new phone due to H never paying the bill on time and H did not have my new number. So, I asked him if he wanted my number and he said yes. I asked about his phone and he said he broke his. I asked how and he told me he threw it against the wall when he got mad, I never experienced that kind of behaviour from him in the 23 years I've known him. Guess thing aren't so pleasant in La La Land. I then said I thought you were using a phone that was owned by a friend and he said he had to give that phone back. He told me that I could email him and he can now read his mail at work. My gut says either she controls the phone because its hers or that ow1 is no longer in the picture. I do know that there is an ow because the passenger pegs were down on his bike. He doesn't normally have them down.

  I had my first visit with a phycologist yesterday. I saw this man years ago so I was able to bring him up to speed about the past and what is going on now. I needed answers. MLCer answers. He ask what was going on and said it sure sounds like it to him. He then explained to me what is happening in my H head. He told me that it is good signs that he is still coming to the house and that he is pleasant to me. I, of course told him that there is/was an ow, he said don't worry those relationships never last. I also told him about some things that have happened in my H recent past and he said with all that he could ask why wouldn't my H be in a MLC. He was most concerned about my H younger brother being murdered 1 1/2 years ago. My BIL was just 35 yrs old with a 2 year old son. Shot five times by his GF's F. and then got off all charges. It's all just sad. But, I don't think my H ever dealt with it. My psychologist said he sure wished my H would come in to see him. He said he could get this stuff worked out pretty quick. He has been in practice for 35 years.

  I heard about how he has lost so much weight from working out and how he is getting his six pack back. I just mirror his statements telling him how I'm down 30 lbs. Mine is from stress and anxiety like I'm sure his is too. lol I told him that my S and I have been cooking up some really great food lately. Boy, did he jump on that. Asking what we have been cooking. I told him about the BBq ribs I made the other day. Slow cooked in the oven for 4 hours. He knows I;m a good cook. Hell, that's how I landed him. Homemade sweet rolls. He isn't much of a cook and unless he is living with Betty Crocker he is not eating what I cook.

  I'm so tired about him complaining about not having any money all the damn time. He is paying the mortgage and I am paying the utilities. He is behind 2 months on the house and hasn't paid his credit cards in I don't know how long. None of these things have my name attached to them. Thank God, who has been watching out for me. He brings home about $3000 a month and the mortgage is $1064. I make about $1400 and pay all the utilities, my credit cards + everything else that goes with a house. Maybe someday he will realize that ow aren't cheap. Imagine how little he will have if we end up in court one day. Like they say its cheaper to keep her. 

  So, does he sound like life is a blast for him. Not at all.

   
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Offline Thunder

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #9 on: June 13, 2018, 07:35:19 AM »
Nope, not at all.

It's amazing the damage the can do to their life, and still keep doing it.   ::)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline 1dayatatime

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #10 on: June 13, 2018, 09:42:09 AM »
His M friends tell me that he is struggling with making decisions. They think the ow wont be around much longer. To be honest I really don't give a F about her. She gets to experience the ups and downs of this mlc. I've been told that he has lost a lot of weight, stringy hair, sick a lot and walks around depressed and pretty much stays away from everybody.

Hi, Stand Tall!

Thanks for sharing your story, I really identified with this part about OW and his friends reaching out to you and telling you how he's confused. My partner's in the same place right now - has lost 20 lbs, hasn't cut his hair, sticks to OW like glue and is becoming antisocial with everyone else. Friends have reached out saying to try to wait it out - that they're a terrible match and he's just depressed and confused and that it won't last (apparently the OW told her friends she doesn't find him attractive and he's 'not even her type'  :o where do they find these women?!). From your description of her at the camping trip, it sounds like he's definitely affaired down. So good to see your attitude about it - nothing to worry about indeed. The less attention we pay to these women, the less power we give to them.

My partner also had a dark childhood that he hadn't acknowledged for so long. I really understand what you mean by, "In spite of the pain I am going through that I am proud of my H. I have wanted him to take this journey for so long. He needs to get his childhood out of his mind. I pray everyday for him to let go and walk the path that God is showing him. I don't give a rats ass about the girl. I know I am way better then her and I would hope that H can see that."
I could have written these words myself. Keep praying. I'm doing the same for mine, asking God to help him down this path, and will keep you in my prayers as well. Thank you so much for your positive attitude and strength, and for sharing your story!

Offline RedStar

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #11 on: June 13, 2018, 10:10:48 AM »
I'll chime in with a me three, 1Day and Stand Tall!

It is still such early days for my sitch that I haven't actually heard from mutual friends about his new phony self yet or his pathetic, creepy enmeshment with OW (I already know he sticks to her like glue though)--but I fully expect to. It's always so amazing to hear how similar these guys are. Mine has also lost a lot of weight, looks drawn and tired, has raggedy hair and sloppy rather than trimmed beard growth, is usually dressed haphazardly (this though isn't necessarily different from his old self... ;) ), and he's been sounding like a dead frog. I suspect he's reprising his teen smoking so he can be like the OW (and also to mask her stank). She is a true affair down too. What is really interesting, ST, is that I think that she wasn't into him "that way" either and it might still be true. I don't know for sure and I don't need to find out. This is his problem, not mine!

I didn't actually realize how badly H's early life apparently has affected him. His parents these days seem mild and nice enough, but I do remember a bare few references to much stormier times and physical punishment and wonder how bad things really were back then. Around BD he also made note of some other ill treatment he'd endured from non-family members that he had never brought up to me before. I really, really hope that he gets the healing through this that he needs--and hope the same for your MLCers too.

It's fascinating that ST has heard "wait it out"! First time I have seen anyone post that others may see these things as just phases rather than final decisions against us.
« Last Edit: June 13, 2018, 10:12:24 AM by RedStar »

Online Stand TallTopic starter

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #12 on: June 13, 2018, 08:15:20 PM »
Red Star,
  I heard "wait it out" from my Psychologist. He told me that from what I tell him about what my H is doing that H is unsure of his decision. He said these ow don't last because they are not what true love is. Agapy love is the unconditional love. The deep, comfort love that we get over time with our spouses. It holds a family and a marriage together. The love, or what they think is love, is really just an attraction type of love. It's cute and it's fun, but eventually reality rears it's big ugly head and they realize that this is not what they were looking for.   

One question that I have in reading that this can take as long as 10 years. Ok, but when do we begin the clock of 10 years. Is it at the BD and him running away from home or is it back when we can remember him acting in a MLC kind of way?  My H has been in this crisis for at least 10 years. He has run away from home 4 times now. This being the longest time away. With this record how do I take any of this serious. I see this other woman as just another way to try and hurt me. He can't hurt me anymore. I chose to stand for him and for our marriage just like I stood at the altar and stood for our marriage when I said my vows. The only hurt that I have is for him. I am his rock and I will always be here for him. The condition that I have set for him is that in order for him to come back to us is that he goes to therapy and gets fixed. I realize that this is another long journey, but my goal is to see him strong and free of the hell that his mother put him through growing up. This, I believe, is one of the thing that God has made my calling. Don't get me wrong. I do appreciate the gift of time that my H has given me. I am working on me too. I have so many things that I have always wanted to try or experience that I have started a list. Just wish I had more single girlfriends that could experience these things with me.

1Day,
  They find these woman at the bottom of the barrel. I will pray for you H that he finds that path to freedom. Stand tall and be strong. I think in this time we need to be there silent backbone. When or if they get angry and lash out at us we need to remember that God gave us two ears, words go in one side and right out the other side. My H whines about being broke all the time, I offered him the spare bedroom. I think he is looking for sympathy, I have none. What I do have is a tiny violin for him. He chose this lifestyle for himself. He can always come home.   
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Offline RedStar

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #13 on: June 13, 2018, 09:36:57 PM »
Red Star,
  I heard "wait it out" from my Psychologist. He told me that from what I tell him about what my H is doing that H is unsure of his decision. He said these ow don't last because they are not what true love is. Agapy love is the unconditional love. The deep, comfort love that we get over time with our spouses. It holds a family and a marriage together. The love, or what they think is love, is really just an attraction type of love. It's cute and it's fun, but eventually reality rears it's big ugly head and they realize that this is not what they were looking for. 

It is totally the teenage kind of "lurve," yes. It *should* burn out, one would think...

Quote
One question that I have in reading that this can take as long as 10 years. Ok, but when do we begin the clock of 10 years. Is it at the BD and him running away from home or is it back when we can remember him acting in a MLC kind of way? 

To me, the distinction that's not always clear in discussion is between MLC as a whole process and just the Replay part, which is where the antics we are all watching come from.

Replay is the part that we start counting at BD. And I think it might be the least predictable in length, usually lasting at least 1.5 years but can be quite a lot more if MLCers continue not to face their issues or another trigger hits that keeps them in their upset state.

MLC has stages that come before Replay breaks out and also after it, and all of them together can easily add up to 10 years and beyond.

Quote
My H has been in this crisis for at least 10 years. He has run away from home 4 times now. This being the longest time away. With this record how do I take any of this serious.

4 times! You have put up with a lot! People will probably bring up RCR whose H did it 8 times...but maybe what you have is the definition of a boomerang?
« Last Edit: June 13, 2018, 09:44:10 PM by RedStar »

Offline Anjae

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #14 on: June 13, 2018, 10:15:17 PM »
Hi, Stand Tall.

His M friends tell me that he is struggling with making decisions. They think the ow wont be around much longer. To be honest I really don't give a F about her. She gets to experience the ups and downs of this mlc. I've been told that he has lost a lot of weight, stringy hair, sick a lot and walks around depressed and pretty much stays away from everybody.

Not being able to make decisions is part of MLC and usually with a MLCer needs OW/OM. OW/OM will make decisions for them.

Your BD is very recent, don't think your husband is nowhere near the end of his crisis.

You will probably won't like to hear this but Replay alone can last more than 10 years. Mr. J has been in Replay for 12 years. Others here have spouses who have been in Replay for 9 or 7 years.

OW may not stay around long, but that does not mean another OW will not follow. Or she may stay around for years on end.

As newbies, we all think our MLCer is going to be different - sure, some have a short Replay and crisis, but many do not.

The best advice I can give you is to look after yourself. If your husband's crisis ends soon, wonderful, if not, you will be prepared.

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Online Stand TallTopic starter

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #15 on: June 21, 2018, 07:27:09 PM »
Hi Anjae,
  I'm hoping that my H's friends are helping my H with this. One of the friends is in the recovery stage with his W. Unfortunately, they don't talk to me. It almost seems that he might be in counseling. It's just the way that he interacts with me. No monster ever. He just might be a boomerang low key type.

  The last time (last week) my H was at the house he was whining about being broke and having to pay rent for a room. I told him that we have a spare bedroom that he is welcome to take, lol. I knew he would say no. Actually what he told me was that "he will never come back to this house". I laughed inside because just a hour before I was reading someones thread and they were talking about a book that they had read where the MLCer stated that if your MLCer ever says this then feel lucky because that meant that he wasn't comfortable with his decision.

  I also told my H that I would be moving soon. My son and his family will be moving back to there house 30 minutes away and I'm going to move in with them. He showed concern. I told him that I really didn't want to move and he told me then don't move. I told him that I can't afford to stay in the house and that my job is being a nanny to my grandson and so it only makes sense to move to there house. I told him I might come home on the weekends. I will see how it goes.

  This has been a super shi!!y year for me so far, I think God might be making me strong for something coming to my future. First H walks out, then sons dog kills neighbors dog, then Ac in my upstairs apartment goes out and a few days ago I got word from back home that my mom has cancer. Its pancreatic that has spread to her liver. Not good. They are giving her 6 months. I never thought that something like this would happen in my family. I emailed my H to tell him this news. e-mail is my only source of communication. He says his friend took his phone back so he has no phone at the moment. Probably a half lie. She probably owns the phone and won't let him talk to me on it. He told me to email him because he can read them at work now. I heard nothing back and he did not show up this week. I figured that this might be to much stress for him.

  My mother does not live close to me so she has not been in my life daily. I do have a great relationship with her over the phone. I learned how to stand from her. My parents celebrated their 60th anniversary in January. She went through all kinds of hell with my dad, but she always stood by her man. She is one tuff cookie.

  Even with all this stress I keep seeing God's work. While walking through Walmart a man reached out and tagged me in my arm. When I looked over it was a very close friend of my H. He hugged me and asked if I was ok. I told him about my stresses and he told me that he could fix my AC unit. He came over and we got to talk about H. I told him that this would not change anything. He said that I didn't know what he can do. I do know he fixed my AC and only charged me for parts. Heaven sent. Another friend had a lawn mower for sale, so he fixed it up and sold it to me cheap. Same guy fixed my car so I could pass inspection. God is good.

  I had a very tuff day. Anxiety kept trying to show its ugly head. I did end up crying while taking a shower. It just gets hard trying to do everything alone. You guys know what I mean. I got overwhelmed. Nobody wants to hear me talk anymore. Its been a little over 3 months since BD. It's still raw in me.

  In today's mail was a check for just under 1000 bucks that is addressed to me and my H. I'm not sure if I can cash or deposit it since it will need both of our signatures. What do I do? I don't know how to get intouch with him plus I don't want to share it with him. He gives me no support outside of paying the mortgage sporadically. He is 2 months behind. Am I allowed to sign his name on the check? He probably wont ever even know that the check came.

Thank you everyone of you. My LBS sisters and brothers 

 
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Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Offline xyzcf

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #16 on: June 21, 2018, 07:51:43 PM »
Quote
One question that I have in reading that this can take as long as 10 years. Ok, but when do we begin the clock of 10 years.

Hello and welcome to Heros Spouse.

I would suggest that you do not put any time frame on his crisis......those that do come back in a couple of years, are often still in crisis and there seems to be a variety of levels of crisis....so hard to tell.

I have always thought my husband of 32 years would come back home...we have had a great deal of contact over the last 9 years, yes I said 9 years.....but in reality it has been extremely superficial and very confusing.

I am standing for our marriage because I believe that marriage is permanent. He doesn't believe that even though he always did before his crisis.

This is not about you, not about your marriage and unfortunately there is nothing you can do. You can protect yourself financially, you can get help...you mentioned PTSD...this is PTSD for our whole world was totally blown apart. I was in therapy for 1 1/2 years at the beginning but that did not help me...I went back to therapy last August and my therapist is a mind body expert...this has helped me immensely.

The anxiety attacks are very common. Triggers and special dates and things we find out about them that cause us so much distress.....we are always off guard, off kilter...many things can help, regular exercise is essential and getting enough sleep..I have had to use anti anxiety meds at various times to get me through some times when I cannot turn off the "anxiety".

Heros spouse will help you...listen to what people have to say but you know your own situation better than any one, even though there are similarities, our stories and our beings are totally different.

read and reread RCR's articles...I cannot say that enough!

Trust God, He loves you and He loves your husband very much. If you have not already found this site, Rejoice Ministries has daily devotionals that encourage you through this darkness. Also a book by Linda Rook called "Broken heart on hold. Surviving Separation" is very good.

Take care of your self financially! That is really important for we cannot trust a thing that they do.

Sorry you have to be here. ((((HUGS)))))
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

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Online Treasur

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #17 on: June 21, 2018, 09:52:44 PM »
I’m so sorry. I lost my father to pancreatic cancer too just before BD.

I would echo the loving advice given here already looking back with the gift of hindsight. Simple principles. Your h is in crisis, his crisis and NOTHING you do will fix it. It is as if he has a wall round him that your words and normal loving care will bounce off. Be civil but step away and let it be. It is likely he will do and say things you would not imagine him to be capable of and right now he does not care about your wellbeing so you must. PTSD like trauma effects are normal so be very gentle with yourself as if you were your own best friend. Hope for the best financially but protect yourself by assuming the worst. Get L advice. Plan to live as if he was gone for good. Ask for help and take it like the nice AC man. And triage your life...focus on the % of stuff that really matters like your Mum now. Take it day by day or hour by hour if you must. Spend time with good people who love you. Come here when you need a hug from people who get it and to be reminded that none of this is your fault and you are not insane.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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Offline Thunder

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #18 on: June 22, 2018, 03:29:08 AM »
Stand,

I sent you a PM (private message).
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #19 on: June 22, 2018, 09:13:33 PM »
Treasur,

  Thank you for the PM, it all worked out very well. I do understand that my H is in this alone and there is nothing that I can do to change it or speed it along. I have accepted this. Q, when getting L advice, Do we talk about our H condition? Do we tell them we are trying to protect ourselves financially? I keep thinking that my H is in financial hardship and I'm feeling guilty if I ask the courts for spousal support. Then I think he isn't giving me any support and he still isn't paying his bill correctly, so why not get support for me. I have bills to pay too and I'm struggling. I just need to do it. His friends told me in the beginning to stay away (in a nice way) from him and just let this play through. One of his friends is in the recovery stage with his W. He asked me to not make any drastic changes. (like divorce) I guess that's so H wouldn't be overwhelmed with the changes. Is asking for support a drastic change for a MLCer? Thank you so much for showing me care about my mother. I'm so sorry for your loss as well.


  I had a pretty good week. Went to my Doctor on Tuesday. I'm trying to get all my health taken care of just in case H removes me off my healthcare. Fortunately here in my state he can't do that until we are divorced (no divorce talked about). Was told that my heart is in great condition. They took enough blood from my arm. I had to ask them to please leave me some. This was the first time in my 57 years that I had to say yes when asked if I could have an STD and would I like to be tested. I told my Doctor the situation about my H. I was not going to be looked at like I was some kind of...... anyway.

xyzcf,

  I use the 10 year time frame lightly. I know there is no real time and each person's situation is there own. I have accepted that. xyz I am seeing a phycologist. I needed someone to talk to. My family and friends won't listen. All I hear is divorce him. I'm so glad that I found this forum. You guys have saved me from the padded cell. Every night I read different parts of the forum. I want to be well educated in MLC so that I know how to deal with situations when they come up. Thank you for guiding me to Rejoice ministries. I think this has been something that I have been looking for. You told me to read RCR's articles. I was able to find one from 2005 and read it, but I don't know how to find the others. Can you tell me how I can get to them please?

Question on boundaries,

  Being early in this I have read to be tuff and I have read to not give to many or to challenging boundaries to my MLCer. I am reading a book called "Detach and Survive" A book of self care for the wives of MLC men written by Midlife Maze. In it they talk about boundaries for ow. They said "that when you lived with your H that you had a boundary that there would be no infidelity. So why is that not still a boundary" I thought that this was pretty much a common thing to a MLCer. Do we just tell our H that we would not approve or accept them having affairs? There would be nothing that we could do to stop it. What would be the consequence for breaking this boundary? The other boundaries that I have pertain to him showing up unannounced, not giving a 24 hour notice before showing up and walking in without knocking. He doesn't seem to understand that he chose not to live in our home anymore so he has lost that privilege. I will also tell him that if I am not at home then he will not be able to come into the house. Any suggestion for consequences for these boundaries? You all know better then I do what works for them. 

The best thing I saw on social media this week was pictures of my MLCer having his bike blessed while at a function (a bikini contest). ow was not in any of the pictures. I know that she was there because he had 2 helmets hanging from his bike. First thought was that he should have had the prayers said over him. Then I thought that there was a glimmer of hope for him. He doesn't hate God and maybe this was God's way of opening the path for my H. Typing this just gave me goosebumps.
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Offline xyzcf

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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

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Online Stand TallTopic starter

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #21 on: June 24, 2018, 08:57:06 AM »
As I read about MLC I see where we are told that we should not contact our spouse who is having a MLC"s and that they should be the one making the contact with us, LBS. So, through the years of living in this he!! we don't contact them? I see in a lot of cases LBS seem to be communicating with our H/W. Is this because they, MLCer, are contacting their LBS? Is it a good thing to stay in touch with our H/W? Especially in a situation where we are changing our location?

  I will be moving out of our house in couple of months because I won't be able to afford our house by myself. I plan on putting all of our stuff in storage. We don't have a lot, just kitchen stuff really. One thing my H does when he comes to the house is he looks around and if anything is missing or moved he asks in a bit of a fanatic way "What happened to the item" It's like he is keeping a mental image of what was in each room before he left. He has a lot of paranoia and no trust in me, like a normal MLCer.

  Does anyone have an opinion on what I do with his things? I know it's not my responsibility to take care of things like his clothes, which he claims that he has no place to take them to, or his tools or just the general junk that he has. I thought about just putting them in boxes and sticking them into the storage unit since he comes and goes and I don't have a way to contact him. I'm going to rent out the house, so his stuff can not stay here.

  Thank you everyone for your support.
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

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Offline xyzcf

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #22 on: June 24, 2018, 11:34:46 AM »
Quote
As I read about MLC I see where we are told that we should not contact our spouse who is having a MLC"s and that they should be the one making the contact with us, LBS. So, through the years of living in this he!! we don't contact them? I see in a lot of cases LBS seem to be communicating with our H/W

I think as LBSer's, especially if we want our spouses to return home, we seek to find the "right" or the "wrong" thing to do. But in reality, you can do everything right and they do not return, or you can do everything wrong and they do...and much in between.

The amount of contact you have with your spouse depends upon what you can tolerate. In general, it was always "stated" that we should not pursue them...that they must pursue us. Thus, I would answer him if he contacted me...but left the contacting to him except for times when I wanted to wish him a birthday greeting or such. There were times when he seemed to be getting closer that I allowed myself to contact him a bit more freely, sending a picture of our daughter or some joke or article that I knew he would find amusing. But as you know, he's been gone for 9 years now and shows absolutely no signs of coming back..indeed, he is further away from our family than ever.

We sometimes call it "paving the way"..to give them an opportunity to let them know that the door is still open.

Anything we do, should be done without any expectation that it will affect them one way or another.

The articles on Agape and Unconditional love speak to how we can continue to have this type of love for them.

It is often said that if we contact them, it is putting "pressure" on them.....but sometimes I think this is our own idea for indeed we do not know what is going on in their head.

On Rejoice Ministries, I think Charlyne did keep in touch with Bob...even one time bringing him Thanksgiving dinner to his hotel..and so we could say..and he came home! But I have included my husband in Thanksgiving, Birthday and Christmas dinners and he does not come home..although somehow he thinks we should be civil with one another, or often they think we really should accept this and be their friend.

I have never had a friend who has done the things that he has done to me...I would not consider them a friend.

But then I am one that thinks there is something really "wrong" with them...as in a "dis-ease sense" so can they really be held accountable for their strange and unusual behavior? Again, we are not in their head so how can we know really what is going on with them.


So many of them just leave everything they own behind...perhaps they want a totally new life...again though, I would want a few momentos from my life.....yet they often (my husband has) leave everything.

Since you are moving, then your idea to pack his stuff up and put it into storage sounds like a good idea.

Just my thoughts on this....each of us sort of come to our own conclusion of what works best for us.

The bottom line for me is I did what I thought was best throughout the years...it had to feel right for me. I may regret having had any contact with him at all..perhaps it would have been easier for me if I had stopped any communication with him years ago for this seems to have prolonged my ability to heal and become whole....although I do not know that I will ever be "whole" again.....regardless of what I did or did not do.

Michelle Weiner Davis, an authority of saving your marriage (but not necessarily on MLC) does talk about doing 180 degree different behavior than what they would expect...again, no idea at all if that has any impact on them...for the bottom line is, MLC IS NOT ABOUT YOU AND IS NOT ABOUT YOUR MARRIAGE

so in reality, does it matter at all what you do or don't do?




« Last Edit: June 24, 2018, 11:38:43 AM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

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Online Treasur

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #23 on: June 24, 2018, 11:43:35 AM »
Storage unit makes sense.
Trying to arrange things like this WITH them is usually a frustrating drawn out waste of time. Took my xh 12 months to collect any personal stuff and he repaid my nicebpacking up byvstealing my watch. And took him 9 months to reply to a text about furniture.
Do what suits you best and is necessary and then tell him afterwards. Up to him what he does then.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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Online Stand TallTopic starter

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #24 on: June 24, 2018, 02:23:02 PM »
xyzcf,
  But then I am one that thinks there is something really "wrong" with them...as in a "dis-ease sense" so can they really be held accountable for their strange and unusual behavior? Again, we are not in their head so how can we know really what is going on with them.

  Yes, this is how I see it too. Although he has his own choices to make, is he capable of making the right choice? We won't know until his fog lifts. It's suppose to be in sickness and in health. Family and friends think I am nuts to stand. I might feel different in a year or two and I'm not letting my standing hold me back GAL. Since I don't want a Divorce and he hasn't said anything why not just let that ride.

  I have always wondered if God gives certain people (LBS) a strength to make it through this. By strength I mean a special kind of strength. To be able to withstand everything that they spew at us.  Even if we don't know the outcome some of us stay. Friends have told me that they don't know how I'm doing this and I haven't fallen apart. I just keep asking for guidance and I keep getting it. I found this forum didn't I?

  I know that I am only a few months in, but in reality this has been a part of my marriage for at least 10 years. He has left my family 3 or maybe 4 other times. It has hardened me and made my love stronger for him, if this makes any sense. I have been through so much with this man and the effects of all the heartaches he had to live with growing up. I held him when he had a breakdown. If I have to blame, it is to his mother. She had the choice to show him love, but she was to infatuated with herself.

  In the end there will always be a path that leads to my door. Whether he takes it or not will be his choice. 
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Online Stand TallTopic starter

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #25 on: June 28, 2018, 06:52:07 PM »
I just wanted to run this by you all. It's about boundaries.

Is it ok to email him these as boundaries,
1) Do not just show up at the house, I will need a 24 hour notice if you intend on coming by
2) Knock before coming in or text and let me know that you are at the house.
3) Do not come into the house if I am not at home.

With consequences being that if this happen even once then I will change to locks on the exterior doors.

Is it to early for me to put up a boundary about him having an ow? I would like to tell him that as long as he isn't acting like a husband should act then I would not like him coming around me at all. Only thing is I don't want to p!ss him off and take the chance that he files for a divorce. He hasn't mentioned a divorce and I get my health/dental through his job.

One last question, why do you all think that he has his mail still coming to the house? One thing that it is showing me is that he isn't paying his bills. Not my problem not my choice. Hate to see him get in so much trouble. Then one day when/if he comes back I will probably have to deal with it.

Thanks for the advice.
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Offline Broken hearted 1971

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #26 on: June 28, 2018, 09:01:46 PM »
I would echo what xyz said. Doing it right or wrong doesn't seem to have an effect. My w is back and recovering well and believe me i did everything wrong. I didn't find this site right away. I pushed her back into replay for 2 weeks, caught her again and things have been better.
Married 28yrs at bd childhood sweethearts together at 14 and 16 years old
Bd 8\28\16 i can't take the way you are, im moving, no tears. I knew i had a problem, i talked her into staying.
D day1 11\2\17 affair uncovered. 16m long i didn't have a clue
D day2 2\16\18 2 weeks emailing, burner phone
MLCer changed her life after d day 2.  I\c counseling, EMDR. Childhood trauma the cause
We are reconciling
Reconciling is not for the weak!! Must have unconditional love

Online Stand TallTopic starter

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #27 on: June 29, 2018, 06:39:29 PM »
I'm so happy for you BH1971. From what I've read it's tough when they come back. This forum is my only support. Friends and family don't understand, but like my H these are our choices.
Stay strong
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Offline Broken hearted 1971

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #28 on: June 29, 2018, 07:23:07 PM »
Reconciling is VERY tough. It's hard to let go of all the hurts they have caused. Your right no one understands. Society has made a joke out of this. This forum is all i have too
Married 28yrs at bd childhood sweethearts together at 14 and 16 years old
Bd 8\28\16 i can't take the way you are, im moving, no tears. I knew i had a problem, i talked her into staying.
D day1 11\2\17 affair uncovered. 16m long i didn't have a clue
D day2 2\16\18 2 weeks emailing, burner phone
MLCer changed her life after d day 2.  I\c counseling, EMDR. Childhood trauma the cause
We are reconciling
Reconciling is not for the weak!! Must have unconditional love

Online Stand TallTopic starter

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #29 on: July 02, 2018, 08:03:32 PM »
So, things that I have read,

If he doesn't allow the process of his MLC then he will be stuck and keep repeating every 5 to 7 years (approximate).

I think he has been in this MLC for at least 10 years. I know realize that I have had 4 BD's and 4 walk outs, this current one being the longest. My H has been depressed, angry, drinking, smoking, porn addicted and now has an ow. He would always try to get me into an argument and of course I took the bait. Then he would stomp off and either leave the house and come back hours later or he would just go to bed. For the past couple of years he was lost in his tablet watching movies for hours on end with a headset on so he couldn't hear me talk. Bills never got paid on time or utilities would get shut off due to no payment. Again making me mad and start an argument. We have had our house foreclosed on 9 years ago and got evicted from 3 other homes that we rented. We even went as far as homeless living in a roach motel. We worked together and two years ago we bought a home. Two years later the BIGG BD and he left. H took half of his clothes over a three month period telling me he has no place to take all of them. His mail still comes to our home showing me the same results, all his bills are behind or not getting paid. This time I just smh. makes me wonder why he adopted the dominatrix (ow). Probably lives with her for free.
  Motorcycle insurance needs to be paid or it will cancel. I had an oh so small inkling to pay it for him and my angel on my shoulder smacked me in the head and asked what the hell was I thinking.
  I read that men can get these ow's to help them with their responsibilities. Apparently not this one. If that's the case Good for her and also good for me. lol.

  My H was coming over every Tuesday for 3 or 4 weeks. When he came he was very pleasant, but talked about himself and wallowed/whined a lot. Telling me he has no money :'(. I told him he could take our spare bedroom if he is that broke. He could save paying rent somewhere else. I only offered because I knew he would say no. He told me he would never live in this house again. I kept envisioning a tiny violin in my head playing his "oh poor pitiful me song". Asked if he could have one of my cars because he needs a car. I told him no. I am NOT going to do him any favors. He makes plenty of money. I didn't see or hear from him for 3 weeks tomorrow.

On June 15th I emailed my H to tell him about my mother and to tell him happy fathers day. I heard nothing back. I didn't expect to. That kind of news is hard to hear when you are MLCing. I let it go. Well, tonight at 7:30 pm he emailed me. He said "just got access to my email. I really don't know what to say about your mom. All I know she is a fighter and I hope she is doing ok and I hope you are doing ok too. thanks for the father"s day wisher"
1. my H writes terraby. He doesn't punctuate.
2. He didn't say anything about himself. If he wrote the email I feel that he still cares or there is trouble in paradise.
3. Should I email a thank you back?

I never talk to him first unless its this kind of news. As much as I love seeing my H and talking with him, it was a nice three weeks. I am able to work on myself and not get set back from seeing him.

Can I get some feed back?
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

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Online Stand TallTopic starter

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #30 on: July 03, 2018, 07:12:25 PM »
  I think one of the hardest parts for me so far is watching my H falling and eventually crashing financially. He has never been responsable about paying bills and utilities. When he moved out he told me that he would pay the mortgage and I needed to pay the utilities. So, I have been doing my part and he is getting further and further behind on the mortgage. My name is not on the loan for the house, but I am on the deed. This means I will not be held responsible when the house goes to foreclosure. He also isn't paying his credit cards. Those are all in collections right now. Motorcycle insurance needs to be paid or it will cancel. Again, my name is not on any of these things. I'm just confused. What does a person do with all there money every month

  I sit back and watch all this. I know that he needs to go through it on his own. It's the only way through. It just gets hard watching.
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #31 on: July 04, 2018, 07:50:29 PM »
With independence day coming to an end I find myself alone again. This is the hardest time. I need a hug so bad, but there isn't anyone to hug me. I would like to bend over and kiss my H who should be sitting next to me on the couch, but he isn't there. This is the hardest part of my days.
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Offline Nevertoomuch85

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #32 on: July 04, 2018, 07:55:51 PM »
Hi stand tall. Holidays can be tuff. I understand. There's nothing I wouldn't give to have mine here for hugs and kisses too. Try to remember everything is only temporary. You're life isn't over yet. There will be brighter days. The future is wide open.

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #33 on: July 04, 2018, 08:57:25 PM »
Hi Never35,

  I know and I'm usually pretty strong in my stand. I just felt the need to express. I just miss him as I'm sure you miss yours too. Thank you for taking the time to support me tonight.

  Question: How do I become a full member or anything above a temporary newbie? I would like to be fully involved in this forum.
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Offline Nevertoomuch85

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #34 on: July 04, 2018, 10:35:05 PM »
I think it has to do with the number of posts you make.

Online Stand TallTopic starter

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #35 on: July 05, 2018, 12:57:48 PM »
Never,

  Thank you. I tend to do more reading then posting.

  So, I'm having a little anxiety today. Saw a picture of what I thought was the ow sitting with old friends in what would have been my spot on the couch. Then I opened one of my H bills. It was from the city for tolls for him riding his bike over a bridge. On the bill was a picture of him and her riding on the bike. Kind of was a reality check moment. I just tell myself that she can have him for now. Right now he is broken and I don't need all the drama.

  With him not coming around much anymore and seeing them riding together I have really been able to detach a lot more. Maybe I should tell him ILYBINILWY

I'm looking into becoming a health/life coach. I've always been told that I have a gift in giving advice and guidance. We will see how this goes.

I found something online last night that was talking about chaos kids. Does anyone know anything about this? Are most MLCers chaos kids? I know my H is a chaos kid. He had a really hard first 10 years. Do we really have a chance of reconciling our marriages with all that these MLCer's past history?
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #36 on: July 07, 2018, 12:01:32 AM »
So, my mind is in a jumble right now. Went out with my friends tonight. I heard that ow is a dirty blonde, no personality, a face nobody would remember.  Daughter saw him at a restaurant on July  4th with a blonde. I'm thinking different girl. That would explain why he hasn't come around. I just want to detach so bad. Move forward, GAL. I'm praying that this will happen.
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Online Treasur

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #37 on: July 07, 2018, 12:05:13 AM »
It's a slow process for most of us, Stand, understandably.
Usually we 'do' detachment before we 'feel' detached if that makes sense?
Markers are simple probably - how much time you spend thinking about his life/head/wellbeing vs how much time you spend thinking about your own and other things.
But unlike MLCers after years, it isn't a quick switch to flick. Took me probably 18 months...but you do know it when you feel it.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #38 on: July 07, 2018, 12:35:10 AM »
Treasur,

  Most of the time I think about my days. what do I want to do. Right now I am a full time nanny for my grandchild. What a great place to be. We haven't spoke about divorce. Its not what I want.

  I know in my heart that one day he will come back to me to fix what he has broke. I'm there for him. It's a promise that I made him many years ago. I know right now he is hurting. If he hurts I hurt. I just want to take him into my arms and tell him that everything will be ok. I also know that I have to let him go on this journey. He has to deal with his past. I'm just here, standing for him. Everything hurts, but God is giving me guidance.
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Online Treasur

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #39 on: July 07, 2018, 12:38:13 AM »
If he hurts I hurt.
I also know that I have to let him go on this journey. He has to deal with his past.

And that's the essence of what detachment is about...breaking the 'he hurts so I hurt' link so you can let him go on his own path hopefully to recovery.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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Online Stand TallTopic starter

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #40 on: July 08, 2018, 09:11:50 PM »
  How do I deal with inlaws that think they know what is best for me? I will be moving out of my current home and into my sons house. I am his full time nanny for his and his wife's child (my grandchild) and they live 40 minutes away from me. My H thru his negotiations with me said he would pay our mortgage payment and I should pay the utilities. I am up on my part of the deal, but he is steadily getting further and further behind. I fear our house will go to foreclosure. I am not on the loan. This will not hurt my credit.

  Here is the problem, she tells me that my H will not be allowed to come to here house. If he comes she will call the police. Since I look at this MLC's as a mental breakdown a dis ease and I have chosen to stand, I want my H to have full access to come and see me if he needs to.  How do I handle this without causing problems in my family?

  It's not just that, my family wants me to walk away from my things. Take my clothes and walk away. This is to much pressure on me. It is making me want to not move even if this is the best option.

  Can anyone give me advice on this?
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Offline Nerissa

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #41 on: July 09, 2018, 12:17:52 AM »
They are trying to protect you and want you to be ‘ok’ as soon as possible.  So they encourage you to move along quicker than is comfortable for you.  It’s understandable, but they are younger and see things differently.

You can still see him elsewhere.  I made things as easy as possible for H to call in or come home and made things harder for me to move along by staying in our house in another country for over a year .

I can say I did my best, and I don’t regret it, but it probably wasn’t best for me really.  But the hope...

More experienced people here often say they will contact you and come if and when they are ready, no matter where you are.  You can see him Outside the house.  I doubt she will really call the police if he were to ask to visit, but you can deal with that when it happens.

I would nt like to walk away from all my things.  Do you have options for keeping them, like storage?  Few decisions are irreversible, but try to keep options open for a while as it isnt good to be encouraged into decisions you are not ready to make.

Online Treasur

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #42 on: July 09, 2018, 01:18:08 AM »
It sounds as if she is being clear about her boundaries while you are still in the process of figuring out your own...perfectly normal. Might be worth upgrading it to a broader conversation with your son and DiL about their boundaries and expectation for how you will live in their house and your own boundaries and expectations too. If there is agreement in a comfortable middle, great. If not, you may need to make a different next step. They have the right to say what they will live with in their own house or not...and you have the right to say what you need and choose for your own life too, wherever you are living. It is your choice to keep a contact door open; it may be that it needs to be in a place that does not involve them or their house. And you have the right to keep your own possessions as you see fit now - maybe l/t, maybe just for a while - so you need to work out where your lines are with your son and DiL accepting that both of them also have their own emotions and maybe fears about the situation.

More practically, have you taken L advice about the house as your h has reneged on his half of the deal? You are not on the loan but usually a house is a marital asset. What is going to happen to the house and how can you protect your financial interest, credit and possessions from his current and future actions? There is a long pre-BD track record of your h avoiding financial obligations and right now he sees himself as an impoverished victim who needs money right? When did he move out, when was the last BD? What if you move out, he moves back in and changes the locks? Or sells it without your knowledge? Or moves ow in? What if your son and DiL change their mind about you living there or you change your mind about it as things evolve? If you have not done so, Stand, I would strongly advise you to take L advice on how you can protect your interests and disconnect your financial wellbeing from your h's actions, to control what you can independently of anyone at all. I would do that first before making the decision to move in with your son IMHO and I would not tell your h of your choices either way.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online Stand TallTopic starter

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #43 on: July 10, 2018, 03:14:12 PM »
Treasur,

  About the house. My H is the only name on the loan for the house making him responsible for the loan. Both of our names are on the title/deed of the house making us equal partners/owners of the house. He can't sell the house without my signature and the same goes for me. By law he can not change the locks without a legal separation or divorce. Ideally I would like to rent the house out and have him continue paying the mortgage payment and I could use the rental money for the homes maintenance or put it into a saving for when we get back together (staying positive). The house also has an apartment above the house, so if things didn't work out at my sons house I could always come back and live in the apartment. If I chose to just walk away from the house I will be free of any financial obligations and there is no equity in the home so as far as a marital asset, its not worth anything. It would cost us about $10,000 out of pocket to sell. My worry is if/when we get back together we won't be able to rent or buy anywhere else since as of right now he has destroyed his credit, but he is the money maker and I am building my credit since I know have power over my financial obligations, but I make a whole lot less money. I have a lot of thinking time on this subject, so I'm going to give it a rest for now.

  I have worked things out with my son. Plus someone on here made a point that I could always go see my H somewhere else. I think things will be ok.
Thank you
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Online Stand TallTopic starter

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #44 on: July 10, 2018, 03:41:35 PM »
I have a few questions about detaching. I'm a newbie who is trying to follow all that I can from everyone's great advice. I make no contact with my H. Unless it's an emergency. I'm allowing him to initiate contact. The first month gone he talked thru text almost everyday. second month no contact, ow, goes public. third month again no contact, but showed a lot of monster to friends. Fourth month lots of coming to the house once a week up until the middle of the month when I had to contact him, thru email, to tell him about my mothers terminal cancer news. 15 days later he emailed me back, small talk, saying he doesn't know what to say about my mom. Says she is a fighter. Said I hope she is doing ok and I hope you are doing ok too. He has not come back around to the house. Not sure if he feels guilt that I have to go thru this by myself or if it was to much for him to handle. I haven't heard from him nor have I seen him since. One day I heard him pull in the driveway, shut off the motorcycle, two minutes later bike starts back up and he left. ???

  I would actually not have him come around right now. It doesn't help with my detaching. I haven't seen him in three weeks, I'm having a slight bout with anxiety, but that will pass. When he does come around I panic. He just unlocks door and comes in like he still lives here.He never monsters at me. Talks like he just came in from work. Does a lot of wallowing and self pity crap. I just talk nice and stay on the subjects he talks about. With no contact now I'm assuming that he is deeper in the tunnel now.

  I'm confused about "dark and dim" compared to "no contact". I don't contact him, but will answer if he makes contact with me. I've read in early stages that I don't want to go "No Contact" because I need to reassure him that the path home is open. Then I read don't go more then 3 to 4 weeks with no contact. Do I email him something and if yes, what do I say to open up the conversation. I don't want to upset him with any contact, but I want his mind to know that I'm thinking about him. Or is it best to continue letting him make the contacts.

  I am trying so hard to do this right.

  Thanks for advice. 
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Online Stand TallTopic starter

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #45 on: July 11, 2018, 09:27:52 PM »
So, H runs away with ow to lala land in March and in April my M is diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and given 6 months to live. 

Two nights ago I read on facebook that my mother in law was being transported to the hospital with chest pains. She is staying for observation. Something about her blood sugar. She is a diabetic. This is my H mother.

Tonight I get word that my FIL has throat cancer. We will find out his options.

I'm numb, how much can a person handle all at the same time. God must have big plans for me because he is working on making me really really strong. My gut tells me that I am going to have to be strong, with the amount of crap that my H grew up with, he is going to need me to be the statue of liberty when he comes back. 
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Offline Whyus

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #46 on: July 12, 2018, 02:51:36 AM »
Following along ST.
You have been dealt one hell of a Card, so sorry about your mam and ILs.
I just want to remind you of one Thing...........

he is going to need me to be the statue of liberty when IF he comes back. 

being hopeful is one Thing but please dont make the mistake of thinking that all MLCers eventually come back. They dont, alot do but normally when its too late and the LBS has had enough and rightfully moved on.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Online Treasur

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #47 on: July 12, 2018, 10:18:21 AM »
I'm so sorry about your M. I lost my father to pancreatic cancer just before BD and it's a tough road. And then the news about your ILs too. All you can do - and must do - is be brutally tough at putting yourself first now. You, your mother, other loved ones...your h needs to be so far down the list that he's almost invisible. This kind of multiple stress and loss can overwhelm anyone (I know from bitter experience) and you can't do anything good for anyone you love unless you are physically and mentally as well as you can be. And spouses in this kind of crisis tend to bring additional drama and problems whether we want them or not, and regardless of what else is going on.

Detaching is for YOUR wellbeing...choose how much/little contact you want depending on practicalities and your own mental/emotional health. Nothing you say or do will reach your h or change his path right now or how much contact you make. So you do what is best for you and you only. It sounds as if currently you've decided to respond to any contact he makes, but not initiate which is fine. When in doubt, do nothing and focus on other things is not a bad principle at all.

Let your h go as much as you can right now. Live as if he is not coming back because some do but many don't and it take years. And some do but after so much damage that you might not want him back. Meanwhile, you need to deal with living your life the best you can, Stand. xxx
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online Stand TallTopic starter

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #48 on: July 12, 2018, 07:35:05 PM »
Whyus,

  I do realize that if is an if and not a when. I just try and stay positive. Thanks for the support.

Treasur,

  I don't contact him. I am trying to let him go so he can do what he needs to do and I'm not in the way. He can't blame me if I'm not in the picture. I also am not contacting him because it made it to hard for me with detaching. I'm only thinking of me right now.

  He hasn't come by our house in a month and I'm happy with that. I have decided to make no contact about his parents. He's a grown man and they are his parents. He should have had a better relationship with them to begin with. It is not my responsibility to let him know when something happens in his family. When he left me, he left the whole family. Nobody has a way of contacting him. Everyone is pretty upset with him. One day he will realize it when he is alone, broke and lost in a bottle.
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Online Stand TallTopic starter

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #49 on: July 19, 2018, 07:12:11 PM »
Sitting here today and wondering about the ow in the lives of MLCer's. Does anyone think that the mlcer get these people to fill the void of being alone at night? When One is alone with depression is when all the boogey mans come out of the closet. The depression takes over and there is no place to hide. Since they affair down that makes it an easier escape. They don't have to love them. No emotions needed.

I have been dark and dim with my H for a few months now. Leaving contact up to him. Is there times where I should send an email (only way to contact). Birthdays, Holidays etc...and what about our anniversary? would that be a wrong time to contact telling him happy anniversary. just joking on that one. my 20 years is next month. Anyway I am trying to give him all the space he needs to work his way through this and not have me to blame. I will return any contacts that he makes with me.

Ok, to start I have nothing in the legal system right now. All of our financial obligations have always been separate so I have no reason to stir the pot right now. I will be traveling across the United states in the next couple days due to my mother cancer getting worse and family is gathering. I will be having my DIL staying in my house with her dogs. I have not changed the locks but was thinking of doing so temporary while i'm gone. I don't want her dealing with any problems with him. Plus, she would like to give him her two cents, we don't want her going to jail. lol  Does anyone see this as a problem or should I email him and tell him that while I am grieving that I would not want him coming around at this time?

Thanks for your input

When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Online Stand TallTopic starter

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #50 on: July 25, 2018, 09:58:33 AM »
Hello,

  My M lost her fight with pancreatic cancer yesterday. Want to know how to detach real quick? Spend this time alone. I am so disgusted with my H right now. I'm glad he hasn't been coming around for the last 5 weeks. It really would not be a good time right now. I probably would use that 2 x 4.

  My mother was a beautiful woman. Strong. My parents were married 60 years last January and she also turned 80 in the same month. She grew up in Trier Germany and met an American G.I. Then moved to the united states. My parents had 4 kids. We had a good life growing up. My mother was everything to our family. She kept everything going. She took care of my dad everyday and really dedicated herself to him. I am that kid of a wife to my husband. She taught me well.

  I believe my mother was called to heaven to be there to receive my dad when he is called home. He is a very sick man. Failing heart, legally blind and now heart broken. Her last words to me she told me how to take care of myself and to just let my H go. She also told me that she loved me. You can see from her words that our elders know. The advice given on HS is the best for those of us living this life.

  Maybe we should all say an extra prayer for our MLCer today that God shows them
the path back home to us where they belong. 
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #51 on: July 25, 2018, 10:39:43 AM »
Stand Tall
I'm so sorry . Your mom sounds like an amazing Woman.
She gave you good advice.
That just shows how kind you , wanting to pray for the MLCer, but you are so right.
You and your family are in my prayers.

Offline semperfidelis

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #52 on: July 25, 2018, 11:11:39 AM »
Stand Tall....So sorry to hear about your mum, like HP said, thats good advice.

All good karma from me to you.

Bless you

Online Stand TallTopic starter

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #53 on: July 25, 2018, 02:59:10 PM »
Semperfidelis and Helpingme,

  Thank you for your kind words and support.
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #54 on: July 26, 2018, 07:51:00 PM »
Hello,

  It seems I can't do anything right. My mother passed away on tuesday morning and My sisters told me to call her that morning. They told me she was in a coma, but the doctors said that she could hear. I didn't know how true this was. I feel that a coma is when you are transitioning. Not being able to be with them and her as she lives 3000+ miles away from me I put off the phone call. One reason was I was babysitting and figured I would call when I put him down for his nap and two I was scared. She was in a coma, what do I say, who was all sitting with her, could I get privacy. So much going through my head. I was overloaded with emotions, fear mostly. I'm a newbie and my emotions are already on fire. I can't think, I can't make decisions, I'm scared and I'm alone. I knew that I had already talked to her a few weeks back about life and death. She gave me advice for my future we told each other that we loved each other. I feel that that was what I needed for acceptance for this crisis. Apparently not.

  I get a phone call today from my dad telling me that he is disappointed in me for not calling her on her deathbed. He said I disowned the family years ago. That I never sent her birthday cards or mothers day cards. I called her. To me cards are not personal. He said as far as he was concerned I was no longer part of this family. They did buy me a plane ticket for next month. He told me I can come out if I want, but he doesn't give a sh!t one way or the other. This really just destroyed all the build up and accomplishments that I made working on detachment. Not once have they called to check on me during this time. As a matter of fact I was told that this isn't about my personal problems. My feelings don't matter.

  I'm just trying to hold myself together.
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Offline nah

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #55 on: July 26, 2018, 08:03:00 PM »
How you handle your grief is your business alone.

How dare your family to judge.  A phone call to your mother while she is in a coma should be your choice, not theirs.
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BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...semi-vanisher
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Online Treasur

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #56 on: July 26, 2018, 10:48:56 PM »
Her last words to me she told me how to take care of myself and to just let my H go. She also told me that she loved me.

Please remember this, Stand.
Your mother knew you loved her and she loved you and wanted you to look after yourself
I am so sorry for your loss.
Grief makes people act in strange ways. Anger and guilt get projected too. I'm sorry that your family is behaving this way towards you.
I'm sure you know that your mother wouldn't agree or want this. She sounds like a strong fine woman.
I hope you are able to honour your own loss and use some of your HS skills to detach kindly from your family's reactions.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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Offline Nerissa

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #57 on: July 27, 2018, 02:23:13 AM »
Stand Tall, I hope that as your father’s initial grief subsided, he will be more reasonable.  We lived overseas for a long time and we’re lucky as our families accepted this, but many don’t - or seem to but underneath there are resentments which become apparent at times of stress.  Sometimes they feel all the family dury work is on them and we just appear when it suits us like the prodigal son.

The last thing you need now is to have to be strong for someone else.  Your Mum was right to tell you to look after yourself.  I hope you can go next month and things will be more peaceful.  Perhaps  you can take some time to think of some kind of little memorial to share - copies of a printed photo album of your Mum, along with some written family memories might be something that they might like, and an acknowledgement that you just couldn’t be there in the same way.

Offline Thunder

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #58 on: July 27, 2018, 05:46:09 AM »
Hi Stand,

I'm so sorry you lost your mother, but I agree with every your mother knew you loved her, that's all that counts.
Your dad is grieving.  He'll come around.

How you described your mother, I could have written myself.  We were very blessed to have just good childhoods and parents.

{{Big Hug}}  Hope things get easier.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Mitzpah

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #59 on: July 27, 2018, 11:39:18 AM »
Stand,

I am sorry for the loss of your mother. Having lost my father and my sister in the last two years, I can sympathize. My h. was completely absent for the death of my sister (younger than us) but very close and supportive for the death of my father (more recent).

It is definitely a hard thing to go through living so far away, one of my sisters lives in Portugal and she was not able to make it for my father's funeral (here in Brazil, you have to bury the body within 24 hours). She was very upset not to have been here. I think it is natural for those of us close by (I was for both incidents) to take on more of the work and responsibilities around an illness and a death, however, I would never blame my sisters (the other one lives two states away ) who live so far away from us for not being here. I will admit that I was angry at my brother who lives in the same city because he did not share in the sleeping at the hospital duties while my father was so gravely ill. I had no complaints about it with my sister as it was expected that as a woman I could sleep with her.  However, with my father, it was awkward when I had to step in.

I hope your father is able to reconsider his words. I am sure he is speaking through his pain and I know that grief makes people say and do things that they may regret later.

As for not thinking of you and your problems - I know how that is, soon after my father's death (58 years married), my mother became extremely anxious and needy and it took some time to learn how to deal with her without feeling hurt that she could not see my pain (losing my beloved father and facing all the problems that a single mother /sole provider faces). They cannot see past their pain, and your problems will appear to be minor in their eyes, especially because they don't see you every day.

Hope things are a little easier today.
M 57
H 56
S 26
S 25
D 23
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline Shockandawe

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #60 on: July 27, 2018, 12:43:37 PM »
I am so sorry to hear about your Mother my deepest sympathies to you and your children.

Please take good care of yourself and grieve for your Mother in your own time. Our Mother's are our best friends, mine certainly is, I couldn't get through this without her.

I lost my Father 8 years ago this September and there is not a day goes by I don't miss him. Your Mother will always be with you and never forget that.  You are handling your h well imo and I'm sure she would be extremely proud of you.

You are your Mother's daughter, all you need to think about is your feelings your h really doesn't matter too much at this sad time.

May God give you the comfort you need.

xx

Offline Anjae

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #61 on: July 27, 2018, 03:15:12 PM »
I'm so sorry for your loss Stand Tall.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline xyzcf

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #62 on: July 27, 2018, 03:39:56 PM »
So sorry Stand Tall, for the loss of your mother and also for your father's reaction....

My mom died 4 months after BD...I live 1500  miles away and I was waiting for a shuttle to take me to the airport for a visit when my brother called to tell me she had died....she was 84.

It was really hard as I was still in such shock about the end of my marriage.....be at peace and don't be hard on yourself.

I will pray for you and your family.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

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Online Stand TallTopic starter

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #63 on: July 27, 2018, 06:16:44 PM »
xyzcf, Anjae, Shockandawe, Mitzpah, Thunder, Nerissa, Treasur, Nah, semperfidelis, Helpingme!,

  Thank you so much for your support and kind words. That's why I came here with this. I always get great support here and I feel the love.

  I decided, with help from my children S30, S28, and D26, to give it a few day and call my dad to apologize. Either things will have calmed down or it will be the same. As we all now, we can only control what we do.

  Praying for things to get better.
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Online Stand TallTopic starter

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #64 on: July 28, 2018, 12:07:45 PM »
xyzcf,

  Your story should very close to mine. My BD was 5 months ago when my mom passed. Not sure why I'm the punching bag, guess it's because I'm not there.

Mitzpah,

  I completely agree with you that they, my siblings included, are being this way because of their grief. I wish they could see that.

I never thought that I would have to put boundaries on my family. Something I've learned through this forum. When my father is ready to receive my call I will talk to him, but I will not allow my sisters to attack me. I feel that this would be what my mother would have told me. Take care of me. Thank you all so much.
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Online Stand TallTopic starter

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #65 on: July 30, 2018, 07:19:11 PM »
Hi everyone,

  After about 6 or 7 weeks of NC on either side look who shows up in my email today. He told me he ran into my son today at work. They work for the same company. My son told my H about my mother and the way my family has been treating me. My H sent his condolences and said he just had no words. He also told me that he had been sick the past 2 weeks and only just got back to work today after having 4 days off. At work is the only place that he can read his emails is what he claims. He didn't miss anything from me. He also told me that since he is back to work now he will be able to keep in touch more. He told my son that he is mad at my family for treating me the way they are. First thing that popped in my head is he cares about how they treat me, but not about the way he did me. But I do feel that he is still showing that he cares.

  I would like to take this opportunity to put his first boundaries in place. I would like to tell him to give me a 24 hour notice before he comes over and to not just come walking in with his own key and that if I'm not home then he should not come in. Also, if he can't do these things then I will have to change the door locks. When I try and write them I sound to aggressive. Can you all help me out with this.

  I have been reading a thread from 2010 where HB and S were discussing a letter from Stayed's H. He was talking about why he came home. I would like to share it here. It was so informative. 
  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=483.0
  I hope the link works. Read it and read beyond. Make sure you read what hearts Blessing talks about. I learned so much from this about detaching. I now know what GAL truly means. I know what I need to do to fix me. I've put my H aside to work on his issues (his path), while I have moved myself to the front to work on me. Once you get it it's almost simple.

Thanks everyone
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Online Stand TallTopic starter

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #66 on: July 31, 2018, 12:28:37 AM »
I saw my mothers obituary online tonight. It's all so surreal. In it was mentioned my 2 sisters myself and my brothers. Next to their names was their husbands and wives names, including my sister man whom she isn't married to. Next to my name they did not put my husband. This bothered me because we are not even legally separated. I would think that they should have asked me if I would like him listed.

Then I say to myself, maybe he shouldn't be listed because he isn't acting like my husband should be acting, nor is he treating me like his wife. Maybe he hasn't earned his spot right now.

When talking with my S today he said to me something about my H and I just being "seperated right now". In the past my S has always said that our marriage was done. I didn't ask my son anything about their conversation other than my S telling him my M passed.

Now I really will be putting my listening ears on to see what things come out of his mouth. I have believed all along that my H is talking to an IC. Its the ways he talks to me and there has been no monstering towards me. Let him give it to the ow. I'm just always nice to him and never talk relationship or ow. I do believe that one day he will come back home, just not now. I have way to much work to do on me first.
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Online Stand TallTopic starter

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #67 on: August 01, 2018, 08:15:23 PM »
Hello,

  After not hearing from my H for about 6 weeks he has come back to life in the past couple days. He talked to my son at work and then sent me an email sending his condolences about my mom. Then tonight out of the blue I get an email from him and its after his work hours. Told me he can only use email at work because he doesn't have internet access.  ::) Anywho, the email was short. Asked how I was doing and told me he was ok. Hmm, he is only ok? Isn't the grass greener over there? Oh, the grass still needs to be maintained over there. Imagine that.
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Offline Whyus

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #68 on: August 01, 2018, 11:12:49 PM »
So sorry about your mam Stand. I lost you for a while. Your dads reaction is quite shocking but he is in a state of shock, give him a Little time and try to make the trip.
I too live in a different Country as my parents and the rest of my Family, I am alone here. I left everybody to be with W, she was the one and only.
I think that I will call my parents on the Weekend, its been too Long. Thank you for that.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Online Stand TallTopic starter

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #69 on: August 07, 2018, 07:33:32 PM »
Whyus,

  Thank you for your condolences for my mom.
  I do know my dad's reaction to me is because of his loss. I am the only sibling that was not able to be there before she died. I do know that with time he will change his attitude. It was just a shock to me at first. I was able to put it behind me pretty quick. Just really wondering what God has in his plans for me.

  Looking at my life this year and seeing all that I have survived and have been able to get stronger over. My family (kids) has become closer.  I'm a firm believer in we meet people for a reason. I met my H and fell in love even with all his mental and emotional issues. I have always been there and helped him get through his tuff times. Believe me when I say he has had some pretty ruff times mentally and emotionally. Going through this MLC I actually see this as a positive for him. I think he will make it through. I never deny my gut feelings. I've always been told that this is God talking to you. My gut says he will get through this.

  I have cut him off from all help from me. He asked if he could have one of my cars. I told him that I needed it. He has plenty of money to buy his own. I see him not paying any of his credit cards or other bills. Sure I could help him, but I'm not. He is definitely destroying himself financially. Not my problem. With that said....

  I asked my S28 what he talked to my H about when he ran into him at work. He said my H was going into a coffee shot and my S28 was standing at the door. My H didn't even see him. My S28 said hi to him and he was so shocked to see him. That's not normal. This S28 has always been my H favorite. Anyway they had a short conversation and when they finished talking my H turned around and left the restaurant, He seemed to have forgotten why he was there. My S said my H was really confused. Yup, deep in now.

  I told my IC about my H emails. He said it was interesting that my H said that he was "ok" He then tried to tell me that it shows that my H is still thinking about me and then he said "Don't" and I said 'Don't worry I'm not reading into this" he then said "This is to soon" and I said "Don't worry, I'm not going to take him back right now" Shoot, I have no plans on taking him back when he is raw, I like my meat well done.  ;D The raw H is for the ow. She gets to ride that RC. ow meet my real H.  :P

  How do you split your emotion up? I'm detaching and working on taking all but my Love for my husband on one hand and on the other I have to increase my emotions to help my F and S's get through my M's death. I will be flying out to see them soon and I know there will be a lot of rejections. This is where I ask God to take the wheel.

-Stand
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Online Stand TallTopic starter

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #70 on: August 11, 2018, 10:50:25 AM »
Hello all,

  I found an amazing dentist. I always feel God working his miracles on me. I had been neglecting getting dentures for quite a few years now, never seemed to have the money, so one of my "do me" gifts was getting my teeth fixed. I was set up with a dentist, but it just didn't seem right. Kept feeling like I was getting the run around and no answers, so I started looking for someone new. I decided to call a dentist that H and I talked to a few years ago. H needs to get his teeth fixed too. When I drove to the office the other day I realised that it was not the same dentist. The other dentist was directly across the street. Things happen for a reason, Right? After meeting with this new dentist I felt comfortable enough to get things started. I told him about my upcoming trip and how my mother had asked me to get my teeth done. I went home feeling great, figured that his prices couldn't be any more then the other dentists I had seen. Yesterday I got a call from his office, not only was the cost 1/2 the cost of the other dentists but he had called the lab personally and asked if they could rush my new teeth because I needed them when I go to my mothers celebration of life in 2 weeks. She will be able to look down on me and see the new me coming together. I thank God every day for the gifts he gives me. Their is so much power in prayer.
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Offline Mitzpah

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #71 on: August 11, 2018, 03:26:25 PM »
Glad you’re getting your teeth seen to. I did the same just after BD!

I guess I need to go back but it is a great boost to our self image :)
M 57
H 56
S 26
S 25
D 23
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Online Stand TallTopic starter

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #72 on: August 13, 2018, 08:06:44 PM »
Hello,

  I could really use some advice. H has been pretty much dark for about 8 weeks now (only 1 email asking how I'm doing) I recieved an email this evening asking how I was doing and telling me that he might be coming over in two days to get some of his stuff. So now my anxiety is going strong, I can't sleep, I was thinking about asking him to send a list of what he needs and I will put it on the back porch for him. My IC thinks that he might be trying to touch base again. Please give me advice on what I should say and is it ok to take his clothes and put them in the kitchen and close my bedroom doors. I don't want him to go in my room. It's none of his business what I have in my room. I'm panicking and could really use some support.

Thank you all
Stand
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Offline xyzcf

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #73 on: August 13, 2018, 08:14:47 PM »
After filing I did not see my husband for 19 months. If he needed something from the house I would leave and he would email me when he was done in the house.

If you do not want him in your house ask him to provide a list of what he wants and leave it outside.

Oh he wants to see you he will let you know. Otherwise it causes a great deal of anxiety to see them.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

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Online Treasur

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #74 on: August 13, 2018, 10:36:41 PM »
If that is how you feel, then do that.
MLCers do have a habit of making announcements more than asking for agreements imho
And please remove or secure anything valuable or important paperwork because unfortunately it isn't unknown for them to snoop and steal, shocking as that is to imagine.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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Online Stand TallTopic starter

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #75 on: August 14, 2018, 12:50:07 AM »
My anxiety comes from the fear of him telling me he wants a divorce. We have not talked about it so far. That is not something I plan on giving him. So if he asks what do I tell him?
Stand
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Online Treasur

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #76 on: August 14, 2018, 01:36:42 AM »
the anxiety is because you are fearing something you have not accepted as a possibility probably
don't worry about what he might do or what you might say right now - if it happens it's ok to say 'hmmm, i obviously need some time to think about that and we can talk later'
but the bit that helps most is your own internal work on what divorce means to you, how you feel about it compared to the m you had and the one you have in reality right now, and what you want, and what you need if you can't get what you want.
do you have an IC or another safe place to talk this through out loud?

i never imagined we would get divorced let alone how my h went about it
i didn't want it and it seemed terribly unfair that it took two of us to get married but only one to end our m, that i got not vote or voice
it seemed absolutely wrong to end 18 years with no real discussion or effort or even a goodbye...but it was done to me not by me.
and i couldn't stop him of course and i decided it would damage me (and maybe him) more if i contested it or tried to delay it (which is funny because it turned out that my MLC h was plenty capable of getting in his own way with his divorce  :) )
and as the process moved forward slowly my priorities changed even while if found it unbelievable that it was happening
after a while i just wanted peace and clarity more than limbo and pain
and i accepted that i simply could not save any relationship between us single-handedly...hell, i couldn't even make him talk to me on the phone about furniture or selling the house  ::)
and then i got to a point where i was just exhausted by the insanity, and recognised that I deserve a man who would - as the song says - walk 500 miles for me not one who believed i was worth nothing but contempt and who wouldn't walk 5 paces to even literally save my life from being threatened let alone do anything that looked like love or friendship.
am i happy about it? no, it seems very sad to me
do i honestly feel i did my best to honour my m and respect the man i loved? yes
was it necessary to find my own way of coming to terms with what had happened and was real and wasn't magically going away? yes...and mostly i am at peace with that, although having NC at all with crazy people does help  ;)

worry about you now
about how you feel and what you want and need and how you will act
pointless to be worrying about him or things you can't/don't know yet imho
and have you taken L advice about your options and constraints?
« Last Edit: August 14, 2018, 01:39:02 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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Online Stand TallTopic starter

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #77 on: August 16, 2018, 09:08:11 PM »
xyzcf, Treasur,

  So, after moving all his personal belonging to my kitchen and closing off MY bedroom he taught me a good lesson. "Expect Nothing" he was a no show.  ;). I'm learning.

  Now I will put all his personal belonging in the spare bedroom. He wants to be a roommate then he can have the spare bedroom along with the cats litter box. All my important items are in my room and I'm going to put a lock on my door.

  You are right Treasur. Divorce is only a word. So if he wants one then he can go get one. I think the biggest reason that I don't want the divorce right now is because while working on me I'm getting all my health issues up to date. With a divorce I will lose my health insurance. I have been working my but off getting things taken care of. Tomorrow I will be getting new teeth. That is going to really help with my self esteem.

  God is definitely guiding me along the way. Everytime I ask for assistance from people on HS I get the perfect advice that gets my brain working and I come up with the perfect solutions that I think will work for me.

  Thank you
  Stand Tall
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Online Treasur

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #78 on: August 16, 2018, 11:17:44 PM »
The 'no show' (after we've done some hard work or worried a lot) is pretty standard
As is the 'jump to it NOW' demand after months of ignoring something we've asked them to deal with

It sounds as if you are focusing on your own essential priorities now and assuming (sadly I guess) that divorce is going to happen?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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Offline Whyus

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #79 on: August 16, 2018, 11:53:53 PM »
This is so typical ST. He plans something out of the blue, you monkey brain for days and then nothing. They are such arseholes sometimes, makes me sick.
Congrats on the teeth, that is massive. Good for you.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline rsa

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #80 on: August 17, 2018, 10:48:37 AM »
I became much less depressed about the D word when a friend told me it takes two to get married, one to get divorced and in my case, it was my STBXW that made the choice.  This is your husband's MLC and if he goes down the path of divorce there is nothing you can do about it but protect yourself legally.  I fact, it may be a blessing to protect you financially.   I get great pleasure (maybe a little too much) telling my STBXW whenever the topic of D comes up that this is "her divorce", that I made a commitment to stay married, but if she wants a divorce I will protect myself/family legally.  These comments drive the MLC spouses crazy.  In my opinion, the reason they stall divorce is 1) we are their backup plan and 2) they want us to get to a place where we WANT the divorced as much as they do so they can shed their guilt plus get to tell their kids, family, friends, that it is an amicable divorce.  Sorry, STBXW, I can’t stop you from divorcing me, but I am not going to condone it either. 

In regards to detachment, as other have mentioned it takes time, a lot of time, to detach.  I am almost 2 years from BD and still have bad days/weeks.  Yes, holidays, birthdays, etc., are always hard but some days it hits you for no reason.  I had a bad week because facebook showed me a memory of the family 5 years ago.  Just know it does get better and I think you are doing great considering all the other factors you have had to deal with in addition to your MLC husband.   
Married 19 years
Together 21 years
M – 52
W (MLC) – 44
D – Now 16 (BD 14)
D – Now 19 (BD 17)
BD1 – Nov 2016 ILYBINILY
EA/PA? (OM1) – Nov 2016 to April 2017 (W wanted PA)
BD2 - May 2017 W left without D's
BD3 - July 2017 OM2
Aug 2017 filed for divorce so "I couldn't move away with kids".
March 2018 - Proceeding with divorce and told kids about OM2.
Ready to move on.

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #81 on: August 17, 2018, 12:12:15 PM »
Yes, holidays, birthdays, etc., are always hard but some days it hits you for no reason.

Yes, like when S15 is starring as SHREK in his school musical and even though MLC H is in the auditorium, I have no one to sit with.

Dreading holidays, and summer, and football season....all of the things I used to live for.

No longer have anything to look forward to, because your MLCer has blown your whole life to bits, overnight.
« Last Edit: August 17, 2018, 12:16:43 PM by megogirl »

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #82 on: August 17, 2018, 06:24:53 PM »
Treasur, Whyus, rsa and megogirl,

  Treasur, How would the "jump to it now" demand be used? I want to be able to recognize this when/if it happens. I have turned my focus on myself. A little well deserved selfishness on my part. For him to divorce me it would cost him half his retirement and spousal support. I would probably get the house since he abandoned it.  It's one of those cases of "cheaper to keep her" situations, but that doesn't mean that he wouldn't go threw with it. I only have the things he said in the past on BD day. He told me that he doesn't want a divorce and that if I get one then he will not give me anything. That was only a threat. Empty words. I really don't have a clue anymore. I'm not around him. I do not want a divorce, but if it happens I will be ok.  :)

  Hey Whyus, got the teeth done today. I'm so happy with them. My kids say I look really happy. In some pain, but "no pain no gain" is what they say. These new teeth :D are going to open so many new doors for me. Moving forward with MY plans now.  ;)

  rsa, Thank you for your informative words. Financially I will be ok. I make my own money, pay my bills and I'm moving forward with plans I've had for years. Something that got shut down with H. He just didn't have the drive to do anything for the past 10 years. All of my credit cards are in my name and his are in his name. The house loan is in his name only, but we are both on title. He is paying the house, but is behind a couple months. If we lose it it will only add to his extremely poor credit. He hasn't been paying his credit cards. He only pays his motorcycle (go figure). A friend once told me that one day your H will come crawling back home.

  Megogirl, so sorry that you are going through this alone. Do you live close to family? That would really help out a lot at those special times. Since my BD my kids and I have grown pretty close. I have two boys 28 and 30 and a D 26. We have been getting together more and having BBQ's on the weekends. My H was never close to family, not even his own. I don't worry about where my H is because I know he is doing the same boring stuff as he has been doing for years. I know you are probably feeling for your S and how he is feeling in all of this. You and him will grow closer together. He will always be your protector. Keep doing those things you live for and just remember that your H has only blown HIS life to bits. You are in control of yours. You are living in the best side of the crisis. That sane side. Keep doing you girl.

Thank you everyone. Praying for all of us everyday. - Stand
 
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Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #83 on: August 20, 2018, 07:59:13 AM »
Moving right along,

  Think I may have discovered the up and coming new ow, or should I say ocw (other child woman). My H and I have a facebook page for my company that has both our names on it. So, Saturday night I received a friend request from a young girl, maybe 22 to 25 yrs old. I went and looked at her profile but there was nothing there. I denied her friendship. Within minutes she sent the request again. Again I denied her request. She sent a message that said Hi, how are you. The generic for of is this safe. I said hello back. The next morning when I check to see if she reacted everything was blocked. Her name was gone and What she wrote was gone. LOL. Six months and he is either cheating on ow or this is oyw2. Daddy syndrome. Gonna take daddy for a ride.

Stand
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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #84 on: September 09, 2018, 08:36:32 PM »
  wooo, didn't realise its been so long since I posted. A lot has been going on. So, I flew home to my dads house. He has lived in that house with my mom over twenty years and I had never been there. Everything went really well. My family got along great. Nothing was mentioned about me not calling my mom before she passed, while she was in a coma. The only thing said was my dad to my S30. He told my son that he could tell that I haven't been happy for a long time.
 
 I had so many things going through my mind. So many things I need to change. My decision is to keep my family closer. Call them more, talk on the phone. Put my family first.

  Financially, I've had BIGG changes. I will keep standing and I won't file for a D. There are other way to be protected.  H keeps destroying himself financially. Not paying any of his credit cards. We have separate credit cards and I will not be held responsible for his.

  What exactly is rock bottom? Is it when he runs out of money? Loses his job? Both? His job requires that he keep his credit in good standings.  Three payments behind on the house now, not paying his loans. I will not help him. These things will cost him his job.

  My husband and I had a small business together and we have a Facebook page for this business and at the same time this FB page only had his motorcycle club members on it. Not open to the general public. I hardly go on the page anymore. Maybe once a week. Through his lies about me and it being a mans club, I have noticed that I am being blocked by his club members. I'm seriously not interested in what they have to post. I feel that these people did me wrong. Turn there back on me and never even ask if I'm ok, but on the other side they are the ones that asked me if I thought he was having a midlife crisis. Because of them I turned to the internet to find out what a midlife crisis was. This is when I found this forum. Today I looked at the FB page and could see that I am now blocked from all but two of the guys and two of the girls. It made me smile because I know that my H is still thinking about me 6 months from BD2. I don't contact him and I'm just going forward with my life. focusing on my family and my health. I've noticed that most of the time I'm not even thinking about him. I keep him in my prayers. The day I gave him to God i seriously gave him to God. I have no inside contacts that can tell me what he is doing. I really don't care. I spend my time reading this forum. I love reading the purple posts and I also read books about LBS GAL.

  Will be moving to my sons house next month. This house, my house will probably be going into foreclosure real soon. It's sad, but it is what it is.

  God keeps giving me things that keep my mind occupied. This week I am focused on a major storm coming in to my area. They call it Florance. A hurricane. Its not my first, but it is my first without my H. I have adult S's and a SIL that will help me get ready. Family are always there when you need them. One thing my H has turned his back on. SMH
   
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #85 on: September 10, 2018, 11:42:15 PM »
So, after, I think, two to three months there was conformation of life from that beautiful green grass on the other side of the fence   :D. I was upstairs at my S and DIL's place trying to make preparations for this huge storm heading our way when low and behold H comes pulling in on his motorcycle. I went out to great him, looking like s*it. Hair in a ponytail, no makeup and clothes that are hanging on me from my LB weight loss diet. I gave him a big smile showing off my new teeth. I asked him "Hey, what are you doing here" He said he came by to see if I needed any help with getting ready for the storm.  :) He still cares. nice feeling. He asked if I was staying or leaving. Told him We were staying. Although it seems the city is having there say, we are suppose to evacuate in the morning. Blah

  H stayed for over an hour and we did a lot of talking. Nothing about R and only stayed on subjects he brought up. Like him having no money. and his health. Asked if I could help with the mortgage, I told him I don't make that kind of money. In my thought I was saying go work on your issues and get MC and come home and you won't have all these money problems. One thing he was terrible at was managing money. Couldn't pay a bill on time if his life depended on it. Glad to see that that problem went with him. I just don't understand where the money goes tho. He did give me a few compliments though. Liked my teeth and that my stomach is flatter. lol Said my clothes are hanging on me. I'll take that.

  He made a lot of eye contact and talked about himself a bit. Told me things about his club that I shouldn't know. Was very pleasant to me. I didn't notice any jaw tightening this time. We talked about his health and some about my health. I asked him about an issue he had health wise for the past 6 months. I told him that it turns out I have the same issue. Parathyroid nodules. Told him he should go get that checked. Told him it could throw off his hormones and cause other problems that he has been having. I hope he will get checked.

  We talked about the cars. I told him that my jeep was running like crap. He lifted the hood and started checking things out. All the time I'm thinking he is doing something for me. It's a first. Don't worry, I'm not reading into this. I just feel that some progress is showing. He told me he would look at his calendar and see when he could come over and fix my other car that he left all apart in the driveway. He said "I want to make sure you have a car that works" Again, I don't truly expect him to follow through but at least he thought about me. It also showed him that I do still need him and that he is wanted. I hope this is whats called planting seeds. 

  He told me to apologize to my S for missing his birthday. That was last week. S and I were away for my mothers funeral. He asked how my dad was doing, and about the grandson. I so gladly talked about everyone he asked about. I want him to understand the importance of family. Maybe miss everyone. Give him something to think about. Not sure, but it felt like the right thing to do.

  Before leaving I got my hug.  ;)
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #86 on: September 18, 2018, 08:14:56 AM »
  So, would the meeting from last week be a touch and go? It was a lot different from other meetings. It's been 6 months since he left.
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #87 on: September 18, 2018, 08:17:40 PM »
  I read as much as I can about MLC and have learned a lot through HS. When I first found this forum I read before I made an account and started asking questions. I knew nothing about MLC at that time. When I told my story It didn't dawn on me that I might have had a previous BD with ILYBINILWY about four years ago. At that time he told my FIL that he was leaving me. He did leave, but returned 2 weeks later. When he returned he was a different person. All new clothes, a new attitude, just a different person. What most would call a biker. I received the same BD in March 2018, only this time he left and has been gone 6 months. With the last two encounters things seem different. It feels more like he is trying to connect more. I do know not to have any expectations or believe much of what they say. Things are pleasant and there are more compliments. A lot of interest in the family and of course wanting to know about the grandbaby. Could he have been a stay at home MLCer for the 4 years after BD1? Could he be starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel? When do we begin counting/documenting that this transformation began? I'm a bit confused at the moment. Could really use some insight as to what may be happening.
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #88 on: September 21, 2018, 11:20:50 AM »
  So, I had to contact my H today which is only through email. (his choice) I've lost my car keys and he has his set still. I called a lock smith first. They wanted $130 to make me a key. So I figured why not give it a try. I had a returned email from him in less then 5 minutes telling me that he would be able to and he got it to me in less then an hour. Not sure what's changed in him.

  He was coming from work and when he got close to me to kiss the grandboy I wasn't sure if I was smelling alcohol on his breath. But, nothing ever surprises me with him. A day in the life of a mlc.

  I found this https://thestagesandlessonsofmidlife.org/lifes-lessons-experiencing-the-opposite-side-of-self/ on someones post the other day. I now know what it means to GAL, Do you, take care of yourself and all that good advice we can read on here. I remind myself everyday "Let go Let God" (best advice I've received)

-Karon

 
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #89 on: September 22, 2018, 06:45:03 PM »
I saw this Lighthouse post on another website.
I thought it was to good not to share.
It was originally posted by a user named ark^^
I don't know the name of the poster of this copy that I found.
I found it on DB forum.


Your spouse is in huge conflict....

the good news is and the truth is that they are totally incapable of a healthy relationship with anyone right now...

the competition we believe that exist with the OP is a shallow empty reflection of Gods light in this world...

It is empty and lonely no matter how good the rush

their actions are actions that they themselves do not like in themselves right now....though the need to go back again again and attempt to prove themselves wrong or right is strong...they do not like what they are doing...

their actions towards you, the children, the OP, and themselves...keep them from engaging in any type of real interactions...with real depth and truth

all they offer are misguided attempts to fill the void that has appeared in their life...
yet the filling is way too fleeting to sustain them and the truth is with them each night he or she lays down regardless of whom is next to them....

they are the living cliche..of no matter where you go to hide...there YOU are...

he or she is lost to themselves...

and you stand at that point of being the lighthouse home....even though they create the waves that block their vision from seeing that...

You become the lighthouse..you fill your home with light, calmness and sanctuary...

see just visualize yourself as a lighthouse...

Your offer them glimpses into that sanctuary at every chance you get...
you invite them towards it...let them know it is there as much as you can in a most subtle way....

they are untrustable right now...
but you know that...so they can't hurt you right now...they will spend great energy to convince others differently...but you know better...

you show the path by also protecting the children from their painful actions.....
set clear boundaries that the OP is not part of your childrens lives....
without lovebusting...
offer alternatives that let them see the children...but be clear that the OP is to have no access to them...
you fill the childrens lives with stability....they deserve it and need it more than anything else....

Do not discuss and or powerstruggle with them on irrational movements...seek out and validate the rational ones with lots of praise for when he or she chooses correctly....

your spouse is very lonely and sad right now..but that is OK...no one can stay very long in that chaos...it is wearisome to the soul...
and remove yourself from any aspect of participating or adding to the chaos...and eventually they will see that you are the only one...who stood with clarity and reason when they needed it most...


be the lighthouse....

Thank you to the original poster for sharing.

- Stand
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #90 on: September 23, 2018, 08:28:26 PM »
  The one thing I really have a problem with is my family respecting my stand position. They are furious with my H, there step dad, because he abruptly left. They won't even take 2 minutes to read what MLC is. I get that they are trying to protect me, but its really not about protection. They think that he could have chose to not leave. I try to explain to them that its not that simple but they wont listen. I am moving to my S house in a few weeks, but will have to maintain my upstairs apartment so that if the time comes that my H tries to reconnect I have a place that we can go to. My DIL has made it perfectly clear that he is not welcome at her house. If he comes there she will call the police. If we reconnect he is not welcome to stay the night at there house. This is starting to piss me off. I'm trying to GAL and NOT be controlled anymore. I will do things my way by my choices.

-STAND
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #91 on: September 24, 2018, 07:53:46 PM »
  Not sure, but I think H may have shown another good sign that maybe he is moving along.  :) I opened two letters from two of his CC companies stating that he has made contact with them and is now on a repayment plan. This is either legit or he did it to bide him time before they close out his accounts for non payment. That would just be kicking the can down the road.

  With debt he is taking the chance of losing his job. On top of all his other addictions he is a workaholic.

  Its really got me wondering if ow is out of the picture and he now has his money back to pay his own bills. Time will tell. Questioning about me moving and seeing the grandson (22 mths) for the first time in 3 months may be showing him what he walked away from. One can only pray.

  Since I'm not sure what I'm seeing or feeling it would be nice to get some feedback.

Thank you
- Stand
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #92 on: September 24, 2018, 10:08:39 PM »
  I am reading Feathers posts from a few months ago and saw where she was asked why she went NC. It made me question my choice of light contact. Should I be emailing him on occasion to just maybe tell him that I was thinking about him or tell him good morning? Or should I only answer him when he emails me. He has been making a little more contact with me and coming to the house. Asking if I need help before a storm or apologizing because he missed S30 birthday. Bringing me a key for my car because I misplaced my key. Feathers H told her that the NC pushed him away, although that could have been said to make him feel better. I just don't want my H to think that he has no chance when I'm trying to give him the knowledge that the beacon is on at this light house.

  I'm just really confused and feel like I'm in this alone. It would be very helpful to get some feedback before I blow this.

Thank you
-STAND
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #93 on: September 24, 2018, 11:21:56 PM »
Please let yourself off the hook of 'blowing' anything...it isn't your crisis and if you can',t fix it,, not sure you can blow it either. You can choose to say enough or step away of course to move forward in a different direction which excludes your h completely, but that's a conscious choice.
Second, put your needs first. NC - or controlled contact - is for YOU. In the early stages, we take time to shuck off the belief that our actions still influence their reactions....but they rarely seem to do so in a constructive way. You are an individual and best-placed to decide what you need right now imho. When some of us go NC, it is usually to practically or legally protect ourselves or as a choice to disconnect from an exhausting rollercoaster that is emotionally distressing.
The simplest answers seem to be
- when in doubt, do nothing and take time to think about what you need, and,
- mirror back what you are getting...so NC meets NC, the odd polite text gets a polite response...but the key is that you respond based on what your MLCer initiates, keep it emotionally low key and detached as long as that is not unhelpful to you?
Hope that helps x
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #94 on: September 25, 2018, 05:13:30 PM »
  Thank you Treasur,

  I will chose to stay no contact with a mirror response for now. That is what I have been doing. It has been working so far.

  Went to my IC today and talked about the things that have been happening. He says my H is definitely transitioning. He is worried that I will give into H's request for money or I will help pay the mortgage. I told him that will never happen. Because of all of HS's great advice I truly feel that I have a lot of friends having my back. It is truly giving me strength.

  My plans forward are moving to my sons house, but at the same time renting out my house and setting up the upstairs apartment for my getaway place and renting it as an airbnb home. When I rent my home I will still want my H to pay half the mortgage and of course if he decides to move in then there will be NO ow or girlfriends as I wont bring in men. I'm also going to be joining a club called The VFW. Its a club for military vet and there families. I have always wanted to volunteer my time with our vets. I'm also going to be getting back into my sales of DoTerra Essential oils and adding Cannabis hemp oil to my sales. If he comes back, I will never let him hold me back again. I have a feeling he will love my new life.

  My IC said that my H made a big mistake when he walked away from me. He said not only did he leave someone who truly loves him, but he left someone who is very capable of becoming someone big someday. I told my IC that one day he will be sorry that he left.

  I told my IC and I tell myself this everyday, I will never let another person take my power or control my happiness. Yes, this MLC of HIS is truly a gift to me.

- Stand Tall
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #95 on: September 26, 2018, 10:33:46 AM »
Hello Everyone

  While reading other threads I've seen people recommend reading Denjef's thread. I am interested in reading this. How can I find it if it still exists?

  Thank you
-Stand
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #96 on: September 27, 2018, 03:55:04 PM »
  I think the day has come that I found the ow on facebook. Yes, I was digging through my H's friends FB pages to find her. I hear so much about how these women are affair downs. I wanted to see who he is mixed up with. I've heard that she is a plain women with no personality and I've read that this subject is an image of the parent that hurt the MLC'er in childhood. They find a person like this so they can replay the situations from there past. If this is the person then yup, she is an affair down. She has no love for him. After looking over her facebook I see that she became a widow in Sept. 2017. My H would have met her sometime after October 2017. He had a motorcycle accident in Oct. and was moved to lite duty in Oct/Nov. Not sure how long after that they started their EA. I found out about it in Feb. 2018, 2 weeks before BD.

So, I now think I know where his money is going. He husband died and she lost half of an income. My H is a soft soul and easily manipulated. She was inappropriately texting my husband according to him. I know you all say if not her then it would be someone else. Maybe I should be glad its her.
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #97 on: September 27, 2018, 05:26:14 PM »
On ow profile picture on Facebook she has a meme that reads "Once the seed of doubt is planted, it always grows like a weed". Controlling B*TCH
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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #98 on: September 30, 2018, 08:18:46 PM »
So, this was the weekend that I cam't back out after getting through my mothers celebration of life. I went to a fund raiser for Breast cancer. What a great time. Ok, so my girlfriend wants me to come to a fish fry fund raiser at my H clubhouse in two weeks. I'm game, but ow will be there. I don't give a rats ass about her, I want to see my sisters. I figure WTH, I will ask. ow is his problem. I'm sure he will tell me I can't go. But then again you never can tell
 
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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #99 on: October 01, 2018, 12:36:39 AM »
Stand Tall, whatever you decide about going, you will hold your head up and stand tall. OW has to always doubt him becasuse he is cheating on you to be with her. So a weed is what fills her mind.

You sound really good, especially so soon after BD.

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #100 on: October 01, 2018, 10:07:19 AM »
Reinventing,

  Thank you for your support. I've just sent an email to my H about me attending the fish fry. We shall see what his answer will be. Don't you know if he says I can go what that will do to the ow. My GF was at my H's clubhouse on Friday night. She tells me that the ow doesn't talk to anyone and my H looked very unhappy. He had always been the fun one who joked with friends all the time.

  I had such a great time on Saturday. I was told by many people that have known me with my H that I looked great. My hair which is the same hair and style as always, got complimented on. Probably didn't hurt that I got new teeth and lost 47 lbs. since BD. Don't worry, I am eating. Just watching what I eat and the portion size.

  I am actually really enjoying GAL. There are so many avenues I want to look at for my future. I pray for my H everyday and I've even prayed for the ow. I pray she will find the right man for her.

  Everyday I have to chose to make the right choice for me. Not everyday is a good day. I alway say to myself that I get a new one everyday. My H and I are on the RCR together on our indivisional journeys. Difference is I have choices and he does not. One of us has to be the stronger one right now. He is living in a fog and as I'm told he has a difficult time making decisions. Cycling, it must be hard and hard to be around, right ow.

  I will always be an optimist and I believe in the law of attraction and the answer of prayer. For me its "When" and not "If" he comes home with no expectations. At the end of the day focus on the positives that happened and let go of the negative. We will all get through this. One way or another.

  Best advice ever "Let Go and Let God"

- ST
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #101 on: October 02, 2018, 09:27:31 PM »
  I have decided that I'm going back in time. Back to 1995. The year I met my H. I was freshly divorced from my first marriage. I loved life. I loved who I was. I just had fun. I had my kids and I was happy. I worked out 3 day a week. My body looked good. I was me. I met my Mr R, my H. We lived free. No worries. He lived at the beach. We spent so many hours on the beach. Watching the kids play in the sand. My future H was so good with my kids. When the time was right I asked him to marry me. He said yes. My best friend said yes.

  We went through our lives together. In time I learned that he was part of the elite in the US Navy. That special group of men that did those special tasks that no one knew about. I was proud of him. He got out of the military soon after we married, but the scars ran deep. Stress, Depression and P.T.S.D. hovered above him in a dark cloud. I was there every time the demons surfaced. I was there to catch him, hold him, get him threw this. I was his light, his soft place. I had to be the rock.

  Ten years ago a guy at my H work asked him to come out to his clubhouse. We went. H was hooked. He hadn't seen a true brotherhood since the navy. He wanted more. Eventually he was asked to come out to the mother chapter. The top dogs. He rode this wave for 8 years. He needed a Harley to join. They already treated him like family.

  In 2016 we bought a house. He wanted his motorcycle. 2 months after buying the house he was riding his Dyna. I loved him and I loved the family we had in the club. I was so proud of him when he joined the club. This was something we both enjoyed together. We spent all our weekends in the club. I had a close relationship with my sisters. This was a mans club. Where men were real. No place for pussies.

  My H has always wanted to fit in and be accepted. He had no identity of his own. He would change his drink to what the popular guy drank, to fit in, to be accepted. He got his full acceptance and membership into the club in August 2017. I was so proud. I waited 8 years for this for him. My sisters that I had been around for 8 years, this was our moment too. We were finally true family, true sisters.

  The accident happened 2 months after he put on the full patch. He was cut off and went down. Broken hands, messed up back, This sucked. He is a mechanic. How do you work with broken hands. He tried for a month. Just couldn't do it. They sent him to light duty. Shredding paper. He loved his job. Turning wrenches was his dream. I was ok for a little while. Physical therapy, pain, getting bored, restless, not what he wanted. Club putting pressure on him. Be a man, kitty, belittling him. He's a man, suck it up.  :'( Don't feel, no sympathy. SUCK IT UP. Do this, Do that. What the hell is wrong with you. I heard it every time I went there. I hated that man who treated my husband this way. He couldn't talk back or show feelings. When he came home I heard about this man. He wanted to kick his ass. PRESSURE, PRESSURE, Be a man, kitty. His hands were broken, his knee was fire trucked up. BUT THE PRESSURE KEPT BUILDING.

  BD came in March 2018. He crashed. Now he is on his way to rock bottom. I'm detaching. Working on me. My mind is always working on what God wants from me. I told God you take him. You work on him. I have things to do, for me. With Gods blessing and guidance I'm finding it. I think I want to help women who are dealing with trauma from being left behind and I want a place for men to go and be comfortable talking about their issues. There emotions. The demons that we all carry. Hand in Hand we will support each other. No judgement.

  I just finished reading a book called "Male Midlife Crisis: Why It Causes Men To Destroy Their Families, Finances and Even Commit Suicide, and What You Should Do." by Kara Oh. Great book. After reading it I said out loud "Why would I ever think of not standing for my H." Its a must read. Only 7.99 on Kindle.

  Here on HS they tell us what to do. Nothing, work on yourself, GAL. Leave him alone. Give him space. I want my H back. The man I married 20 years ago is still in there somewhere. I don't want his demons to win. With God I will do my best to be the light at the end of the tunnel.

-Stand tall
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #102 on: October 07, 2018, 08:45:47 PM »
 Journaling, 

  What a fire trucking day, I had an awakening. I was reading from the past here on HS and came across this https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=515.0 It was hitting so many triggers in me, opening doors, seeing things in me from my marriage. I was amazed, her story, her marriage was mine except I am the LBS. Then it hit me, huge light bulb moment, I'm in a midlife crisis. Not only am I the LBS, but I'm also the MLCer. Can this be real? The more I read the more I could see my past. Questions got answered. I could actually feel a pease come over me. I know. I've been having small memories come up in my head, like things from my past, off and on during the days. I can't explain what they are or if they are real. I't like stuff from my past, childhood, I think. This has been happening for about 3 months now. This explains why I've been out of touch with what is real in my life. I think its been about 10 years now. I've been so depressed for so long. My house looks like hell, I just stopped living. Didn't care about myself, my home, my marriage.

   Nobody ever thought I was smart enough. My dad treated me like just a C grade person. She can't go to college, not smart enough. I never applied myself. Why bother? This drove me crazy. Got married at 20 yrs old. I had a good marriage. It lasted for 14 years. He was controlling. I had 3 kids, two B's and a girl. I stayed home with them. This is what I always wanted to do. They were 8, 6 and 3 when their father left me. We grew apart. I couldn't take the control anymore. I started going out with girlfriends just to be away and to be defiant. He had an ow. During the year of separation I met a guy. He was fun and loved my kids. He took care of me and I took care of him. I was still able to stay home with my kids. Things were great. We grew close. After 3 years together me got married.

  He was my best friend and I feel he still is. Things were good, but his past kept getting in the way. Childhood drama's. Abuse, being pulled out of moms home, sent to dads, back to moms. Teen years spent in a boys home. Off to the military. H has abandonment problems. We have been through so much together. Utilities got shut off, Foreclosures, evictions. Bills always behind. 

  I had great ideas for making money and eventually we started our own business. Things were great for about 10 years. We had a successful business. I went to work with him every day. We clashed a bit when it came to ideas for the business. The whole business was my idea, but he had to be the boss. Nothing I wanted to try was good enough. There goes that "she's not smart enough" attitude everyone always gave me. On day I got injured on the job and had to stay home. That really was the end of it all. He ran things his way and eventually ran it into the ground. He gave up. Wouldn't go to work. We had equipment that we couldn't keep at the house so H decided to take it to a guys house that we barely knew. Someone from work. We argued about this hard. i told him no, but he wouldn't listen. Our equipment was there for 2 months and they guy sold it without telling my H. Why won't they just listen to me.

  I supported my H while he went to school. It was going to be better for our future. Two years into his school I decided that I wanted to go to college too. I got no support. At this time we were living in a motel room. Three kids, two dogs and a cat. One room. H decided that this was the time to run away. He took half the bank account. The money in the bank account was for my school. I put it in the account so we could rent the house. I didn't want the lease to bounce. He put himself in an efficiency hotel. He had a kitchen while we had a hot plate. Two weeks later when I seen him again he was a changed person. New wardrobe, new hair style, Biker without a bike.

  We found a house to rent and got out of the hotel. This was our third rental. I was going down hill emotionally. I just stopped living for my family. My kids were already grown and one had moved out with a friend while the other boy got married and the daughter was spending most of her time with her boyfriend. This house lasted 8 months and we were evicted again. This time the new place wasn't so good. A very run down trailer that leaked water in 7 places when it rained. I just didn't care anymore. Rent was cheap, but we still had problems paying the bills. I asked If I could take over the bills, let me help, but he wouldn't let me. Again, I didn't think anyone would let me show them that I am not dumb. Lets get on a budget, nothing. Every suggestion I came up with was pushed to the wayside. I was done. I just didn't care anymore.

  Two years of that and we bought a house. My H is a MLCer that thinks he is the only one who is doing everything. It's his turn now. What he doesn't understand is that it has always been his turn. Everything, every decision has always been his. He has always been selfish.

  Today when I had the awakening I could see everything. I knew what I wanted, what I have to do. I was laughing and crying at the same time. Some of it is fading now. I think writing this down is making my memory fade a bit. Dang it. I wanted to write more. Its weird. It was just there in my brain and now its gone.

  So, I will ask, How do I know if I'm in a MLC (depression)?

  I do know to leave my H alone. I wanted to tell him so bad today. I was so excited.

  I have been working and praying so hard for answers. I do know what I need to do for me though.

  I don't know how to be around my H. I have to show him my change. If he will notice. He doesn't come around often.

  I would love some advice if possible.

-Stand
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Offline Reinventing

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #103 on: October 07, 2018, 11:19:31 PM »
Stand, it sounds to me like you have been given the gift of time to get your life in a place you want it to be.

Having good business sense is a gift. Can you use that to consider your life your business and invest and tend to yourself like you did your business?

You have a chance right now to do it in the way you know will be successful. Grab this opportunity.
« Last Edit: October 08, 2018, 12:01:55 AM by Reinventing »

Online Treasur

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #104 on: October 07, 2018, 11:55:46 PM »
I don't know if it's mlc, but it sounds like depression and that you are seeing some patterns in your own life?
And I get wanting to tell him because he was your best friend...but unfortunately he isn't now and probably won't be able to hear you properly.
The good news is that a door has opened in you and you can do something with that for you.
Because you talk about some patterns of not feeling valued or heard by men in your life, and then perhaps making yourself smaller than you really are, I'd recommend a book called Love Warrior by Glennon Doyle...it isn't really about her marriage, it's more about her finding her own truth of who she is...see if it resonates with you maybe?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #105 on: October 08, 2018, 06:37:50 PM »
Reinventing,
  I agree with you wholeheartedly. I have been working on trying to figure out just what I want out of life. What is it that I need to do. I think of what companies I want to get into. Iv'e had a lot of different ideas, but what you said brought me back to my new years resolution. This was going to be the year I was going to work on ME. Get my health in order, get my but into the gym, start making my home a nicer place to live. Being a more positive presents. Again, it was tough. H took our car to work everyday leaving nothing but his motorcycle. Very quickly the depression took over and I gave up. I'm taking your advice and I'm going to become my own health coach.  ;)

Treasur,
  Perfect timing for a new book. I went straight to Amazon after reading your advice and downloaded it to my Kindle. I sounds really good. Haven't done so much reading in years. Every bit of it has been great. Especially here on HS. I will be home alone for the next 4 days so will have plenty of time to get into a book plus get my house in order.

  Well, I have a lot to keep me busy for awhile. I will be moving with my son and daughter in law. This will be my monday through Friday home and I will also be moving to my apartment upstairs. I will be preparing my house to rent it out, to keep it out of foreclosure, and am pretty sure I have found a renter already.

-Stand
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Offline Reinventing

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #106 on: October 09, 2018, 12:22:11 AM »
Stand,

Investing in yourself and using that business sense of yours sounds like a great way to make your life better. Focusing on you--the big things and little things of your life will only pay off now and in the long run.

The book sounds great and just what you needed right now.

It makes sense that in the past you felt isolated with no car and unheard when your good advice was unheeded. But now you have the chance to listen and act on your own advice and do what you know will be successful.

Keep us updated on what you are doing. We want to hear about your journey.
« Last Edit: October 09, 2018, 12:23:42 AM by Reinventing »

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #107 on: October 10, 2018, 07:29:39 PM »
Hi all,

  I went to my IC today. I can say it will be my last time going to him. When I got to his office he was not there. He showed up about 20 minutes late because he went car shopping. I only get an hour in his office and 20 minutes late is cutting into my time. He talks to much about his personal life. I was judging this visit to see if I was going to come back and the final decision was easy to make when at the end of my (paid) hour I think I got to talk 5 minutes. I really think the conclusion was that I don't need him anymore. I learn more on these forums and get more support then I will get in any office with a shrink. I told him that I know that this thing with my H can take years, he said yes. I told him that my H is sick, he has mental illness and I chose him in sickness and in health. He said yes you did. He said people will tell you to leave him, do what is right for you. I said they all want to come back home. He said yes they do. I said I will decide at that time if I want him back. He told me I've got this.

  I was reading back on some of BBHelps posts about detaching and working on ourselves. What I have tried to do when I am mirroring is to think of some of the things my husband has said before BD and after BD about me. He put the words in a supportive kind of way. I took these things as stuff that he would like to see change in me. Stuff I can improve on. They really are the things that I have wanted to change for years and made promises to him that I would change and now that I have complete control in my decisions, thanks to MLC gift of time, I can put these things into actions. I feel that these are the things that he needs to see if I'm to be the strong foundation that he will need to have when making his decision to come home. They will make me a stronger person, especially with my self esteem. It was pretty easy to get the list from him. I just sat down and tried to remember the things he said when he comes to check in. I think he is checking to see if I'm changing, progressing.  :o One of the things was that maybe I should get a job. This came after him asking me to help pay the mortgage. I have a job thank you. He asked if my son is paying me to take care of my grandson. I told him no. (small lie). He doesn't need to know what money I have.

  Maybe he should worry about his credit card bills and all the other bills of his that he is failing to pay. I pay all the utilities and my credit cards he pays the mortgage. As of now he is not paying spousal support so he is bringing home plenty of money to be able to pay his personal bills as well as the mortgage. Guess that green grass is nothing but weeds.  ;).

  They say you meet people for a reason. I think my H met me to be his rock solid foundation So that when this time came to his life I am the one who will be there waiting for him like a lighthouse on a rock with his waves crashing around me. 24 years ago I met him at the beach. My girlfriend and I were not out looking for men, but there they were, sitting in the back of a red convertible just having fun. We stopped to say hello...

  I've been there for him in so many ways. I told him that I would never leave him like everybody else did. I've kept that promise. Today I am standing tall and getting stronger.

- Stand

 

 
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #108 on: October 11, 2018, 07:38:15 AM »
Standing,

Just make sure that, if you DO decide to change some things, you are doing it for YOU and NOT for your Mid-Lifer.... That is where the "sting test" comes in... If some of the things he said sting a bit, then maybe those are things that you'd like to change as well. Otherwise they wouldn't have elicited that kind of reaction... the things that don't or leave you saying "Huh?" are probably things that you do not need to or want to change.... Change and growth is good as long as if is for OUR benefit and not solely for that of someone else....
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #109 on: October 11, 2018, 10:31:09 AM »
UM,

  You're right about only changing for me. These things that my H said came from things that I said in the past. Like, when he got his motorcycle and I felt I was to heavy to ride with a new bike owner, I told him to ride without me for a year and I would work on me losing weight. Never happened. I didn't even make the effort, or me always saying how I'm going to get my health straight. Never went to a doctor. Getting my house cleaned up. I'm not a hoarder by any means, but I do tend to hold on to thing and have been working on getting rid of anything I don't need. Plus with H gone I can get rid off all the junk that he tends to collect. So, you can see that these are things that I am doing for me. I'm not going to pay for storage units anymore just to collect junk. My marriage is over and time for a new beginning, a fresh start. If one day he comes home then that will be a fresh start too, in a clean environment. Kind of like going back to who I was when I met him. When things were good.

  I put all these things in motion when he left and after the shock and reality hit. I'm 45 lbs down, LBS diet, have been getting all of my health requirements up to date and have come out of 2 storage units. I'm getting past depression one day at a time. This is something I have been in for years. I just have one more big change that will be happening over the next 2 weeks and that is moving to my sons house. Hopefully God doesn't throw any more painful, mind consuming projects at me for the rest of the year, some of them really hurt, and I will be on a path of a much stronger and happier me.

  Moving forward with life will be interesting for me. I will become a landlord for my house and I will be opening up my apartment to be an Airbnb. This is something that I have always wanted to do and the opportunity was thrown at me before I thought I was ready.

I'm Ready,
-Stand
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #110 on: October 11, 2018, 06:19:53 PM »
Hello,

  Ok, I have a question. A couple of weeks ago while having a conversation with one of the only girlfriends I have left from my H and my friends. She asked me to come to a cookout at my H clubhouse. I told her I'm not allowed to go there. I told her I would ask him. So, I emailed him when I got home and didn't here anything from him until today. He said "I don't think its possible for you (me) to go to the cookout at this time, don't get trick bagged by one of your friends, when things are right I will let you know, I don't like surprises, like you don't. On a different note, how have you been, I'm fine just sick a lot lately. Getting better but seems to keep coming back. Take care hope things are going alright talk to you later" and then he signed his name. Every time I talk to him he tells me he is sick. and has been since just before he left 7 months ago. My intuition tells me that this is his way of describing his MLC without telling me. I would like an opinion on this please. Also, Telling me that he will let me know when I will be able to come back to the clubhouse is talking about something that will happen in the future. Good signs to me, makes me feel like he is working on things for himself.

Anyone have an opinion on this? I'm only looking for signs of progress. I'm not ready for him to even try a return right now. I get the concept that he needs the time and I've realized that I also need the time too.

-Stand
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #111 on: October 12, 2018, 06:19:12 AM »
Sorry Stand but to me, it reads like a Pity Party and Avoidance.... He fed you a crumb about something in the future that may or may not happen to keep you on the porch in your rocking chair waiting for him.....

If you are expecting him to turn around and say "Oh yeah, come to the Clubhouse" any time int eh near future, I am afraid you are setting yourself up for disappointment.

I could be wrong but I kind of doubt it... His "doesn't like surprises, just like you don't" reads to me like MLC-Speak for "I'm going to be there prancing about with OW and it would really be a drag if my W would show up and spoil my Schmoopieparty... ."
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #112 on: October 12, 2018, 09:05:11 AM »
UM,
 
  Thank you so much. I'm so glad you got right to the point. I need someone to put my mind on the right page every once in a while. I'm not to good about reading between the lines just yet. Funny thing is that even if he had said that I could go I wasn't planning on following through. That clubhouse and those people are the last people that I want to be around right now. Just like being around my H right now, being around all that environment will just bring me down. I told my friend to just let me know where they go after the party and I will meet up with them then. I thought about answering his email with "It's all good. I've already made other plans anyway" Make him wonder all day about who I'm with and where I'm at.  ;)

 -Stand
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #113 on: October 12, 2018, 03:50:30 PM »
Hello,

  As you can read in my post I am getting ready to move to my sons house, but I will keep my upstairs apartment for me on the weekends, but I will also rent it out as an Airbnb home. I am set in this decision because I think it will be the best way to save the house from foreclosure plus it will be able to make me some money on the side. It's a win, win. Now, my husband doesn't pay me any spousal support, but I will have to say that he is paying the mortgage and paying my medical insurance through his job. Which I really appreciate and feel that covers what someone would have to pay for my support. While reading some of HB's old stuff in a different forum, she told the woman, that she was advising, that the woman's h would not give her any money because the ow was taking and controlling his money. (his choice) HB said the woman didn't love her H she only wanted his money. My gut told me this was the case all along. She said that the ow probably got some nasty words from him from time to time, but the money was worth it. In my situation my H can just stop paying on the house any time he choses, foreclosing on the house and destroying his credit further and most likely costing him his job.

  I'm wondering if after I move and rent out my house, should I take over making the payments with the rent money, which would give him more money for her to control or should I keep the money as my spousal support that would not be court ordered, probably would cause issues between them.  ;D Not my problem. I do need to have money for maintenance and upkeep on the house. I mean, I could just walk away from the house, but down the road if we do get back together we would not be able to buy a house with what he has done to his credit. Also, I will be keeping the money from my upstairs rental.

  I would just like some advice on this. I'm new to this and don't know anything through the eyes of a MLC or their way of thinking.

Thanks,
-Stand

 
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #114 on: October 19, 2018, 05:01:29 PM »
Hi everyone,

  I'm really confused right now. I just got up with an ol friend who had a boyfriend in the same motorcycle club as my husband. They just broke up a few weeks ago and she was telling me that he had cheated on her. She confronted him asking if he is cheating. He admitted to it, saying that he did it for the club. He got mad, and stormed out of their apartment. He came back the next day and told her that he can't do this anymore. He is done. called her every name in the book. The things he said were almost word for word the same way my husband came to me, but I got the ILYBINILWY speech. Since that time, only a few weeks ago, some of the ow he is firetrucking have sent her messages being really nasty. She has also received a picture of the two of them in bed together. I told her to block him.

  My confusion is could my husband be faking all of this or could this man, who also has emotional problems, (combat PTSD) be in his own mlc? And if he is faking it then why not divorce me.

  She told me her xb is caught up in drugs, but she hadn't seen my H do drugs, but he is drinking very heavy. I hope he get pulled over on the road and goes to jail. Maybe he will wake up.

  At this point I am having a hard time with standing. I could really use support right now. Is this some of the stuff that happens in a midlife crisis?

-stand
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Offline nah

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #115 on: October 20, 2018, 05:43:38 AM »

  I would just like some advice on this. I'm new to this and don't know anything through the eyes of a MLC or their way of thinking.
 

Squeeze every dime you can out of him for you.  Don't worry about what it means to them.
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me-52
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BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...semi-vanisher
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Offline nah

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #116 on: October 20, 2018, 05:44:40 AM »

  At this point I am having a hard time with standing. I could really use support right now. Is this some of the stuff that happens in a midlife crisis?


I'm confused.  What does some other couples situation have to do with you and your husband?
H-54
me-52
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...semi-vanisher
https://heneversaidaword.com

Online Stand TallTopic starter

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #117 on: October 20, 2018, 05:54:51 AM »
nah,

  What I'm confused about is is my H really in a mlc or is he faking that he is in a mlc? This friend of H seemed to throw words around to his GF the same way my H said them to me. Can a friend of a mlc'r be drawn into my H mlc and have a crisis of his own? This friend is 47 yrs old. I don't want to stand for a man who is faking a mlc. This is what I'm confused about.

-Stand
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #118 on: October 23, 2018, 09:45:02 PM »
Hey,

  I'm sitting here thinking about the changes that I've seen in my H over the past 7 months (BD day) In the beginning he was like a kid getting ready to go on his first trip away from home with his friends. Way to much energy and ADHD from he!!, to the last conversation I had with him in person. He seemed much more calmed down and more confident in the way he spoke. In the last email he answered a question I had asked and then turned the conversation to me asking how I was doing. In the conversation in the email he had told me to be careful of my friends. Watch out for them trying to trick bag me. I actually had this happen from one of my former GF just the other day. She tried to get me caught up in a lie that would have made me look bad to my H. It would have pizzed him off. When I challenged her she backed off. Then she deleted me from her FB friends.

  It's nice to see the changes in him.

  I have been busy this week moving to my sons house. I can't afford my H's and my house alone. I have decided to rent it out. I will take control of paying the mortgage so we don't loose the house. If he did come back one day his credit will be so messed up that we wouldn't even be able to rent a cave to live in. At least we will still have our home. It would not be feasible to sell it right now as we would need to come out of pocket about $10,000 and I'm not doing that as I'm sure he won't be either.

  Heard a bit about ow this past week. Guess she is a widow of one year. She writes on her FB how much she loves her deceased spouse. How he said he would never leave her. She is still hurting in a big way from losing him. My H and her are each others rebounds.  :o What pizzed me off the most is that she knows how painful it is to lose your spouse of 20 years, but she is so selfish that she doesn't care if she does this to another woman. Guess she thinks that she is saving him from his big, bad wife. Ha, the joke is on her. I also heard how she is controlling him and will be mad when/if she finds out that he told me that he doesn't want a divorce. Course that was at the beginning on BD day.

  Yup, here I am sitting at home in a pretty calm state working on myself and my future life while on H side all the drama is flying high. Life is good.

 May God bless you all and your spouses/sig other. May God guide them home.

-Stand
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Offline Reinventing

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #119 on: October 24, 2018, 01:03:19 AM »
For as long as he continues to pay the mortgage, you can put the rental fees in savings to cover the times the house isn't rented and also to cover repairs.

Accept anything he pays, knowing that you are setting up things to not rely on him for the long term.

Another way to look at this is that any funds from him are marital funds that you are saving, even though he is not. Also, these funds would just go down the drain and spent on OW, so rather they come to you since you will preserve them and use them wisely.
« Last Edit: October 24, 2018, 01:08:04 AM by Reinventing »

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #120 on: October 24, 2018, 10:05:41 PM »
Reinventing,

  You are right on keeping the rental money. I have had a few people tell me the same thing, including my IC. He said that since my H isn't paying me any support then I should let him make the mortgage payment and I should keep what I collect from renting out the house. After all I will be the one making repairs and such.

  I guess I just worry that he will stop making payments all together and the house would go to foreclosure, but then I could always petition the court for spousal support if that happens. My H has never monstered at me so I need to get the fear of him out of my system. Something I am working on.

  I have basically moved from my home and am now living with my son. I told H that this would be happening sometime between now and March 2019. Well, I'm moved now. How does a MLCer handle this kind of information? I have not told him that I moved and with me being dim on contact I don't think he knows I'm gone. My S30 said that this might wake him up to the fact that I am moving on. In reality I told him that I would be moving upstairs to our apartment. I don't want him moving the trifling ow into my house. If that would happen they would have an unexpected room mate real quick.

Trying to stay drama free  8)

-Stand
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #121 on: October 30, 2018, 08:34:15 PM »
Hey all,

  Just touching base with a question. I am dim with my H. He does not turn to a monster when I contact him. We are only 7 1/2 months since BD. Not sure what he comprehends from things he was looking for in his recent past. Is it okay for me to drop him an email when I come across things in say the grocery store that he has been looking for or giving him information that would benefit him? I don't want to make him mad or stressed out in anyway. Just basically going with the flow of what our relationship as friends was like before this stupid MLC.

-Stand
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #122 on: October 31, 2018, 04:53:48 AM »
The only thing I would say is that then you will no longer really be dim. How will that serve you in the long run?

If you DO do it, keep it as non-committal as possible, i. e. "Hi, if you are still looking for <xyz>, I saw it the other day at <store name>. 

Nothing more....
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #123 on: October 31, 2018, 07:27:38 PM »
UM,

  I can relate to what you are saying and have decided to just let it go. It won't change anything for me.

  I have been reading Hb on Emotional repackaging and can say that I utilized this this week with an old friend from my H's circle. I don't need her in my world, but she needs me. You see, she is in an emotional and sometimes physical relationship and I just could not let her go. I put a lot of boundaries on her If we are to remain friends. I told her if she can not accept what I am asking of her then she needs to walk away. She told me she is not going to walk anywhere. I'm so excited because I have felt for a long time that my calling is for me to be as supportive as I can to women and young girls who are in abuse but don't realize it. God is showing me my path. 

  I have always wanted to foster children, but as my path moves forward I have always had empathy for women that feel they are stuck. I just have a drive that will not go away.

  Thank you for hearing me and I appreciate any and all input that you all can give me.

-stand
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #124 on: November 02, 2018, 07:39:20 PM »
 ::)

  Ok, so I firetrucked up the other night. Not to bad though. I had a relationship coach ask me if I send my H love letters. She feels like this would keep the connection H and I have always had before the day of BD. Confusion was running rampant in my mind. I have made it a habit to think things through before I act (part of my GAL) and usually side with HS advice.

  Well, after having one to many glasses of wine the other night I got on my H email and sent him a sentimental meme that showed to older people's hands embraced. It read "I want to be holding your hand when I'm 80. It will show that we made it." something to that affect. 

  The next day I saw it and thought Oh Sh!t, Oh sh!t, Oh sh!t. Thinking I just set things back. Of course he saw it before I was able to delete it.  :-\

  I don't think it was to bad of a mess up. Who knows, maybe it gave him a warm feeling. One can hope.  ::)

-Stand
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Offline Mitzpah

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #125 on: November 03, 2018, 03:48:33 PM »
Alcohol is never a good counselor.

That said,  I really doubt that it made a difference.

No warm feelings from him, he will probably forget it until it might become important again. I would not have ANY expectations, at all
M 57
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S 25
D 23
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #126 on: November 03, 2018, 04:01:01 PM »
Alcohol is never a good counselor.

Thanx for the LOL, Mitz

And I don't think it made a difference, either, Stand....just remember every little show of love seeps into the back of their mind.  So while he may not "care" now, he won't forget it, either.
« Last Edit: November 03, 2018, 04:03:46 PM by megogirl »

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #127 on: November 03, 2018, 09:42:09 PM »
Mitzpah and Megogirl,

  I know alcohol is not the answer, lol. I mean I'm not sorry that I sent the meme. It was a good one. Not to pushie, just a little sweet. If it plants a seed then I'm happy.

  I recently moved from our marital home so we won't be able to have many chances to meet face to face right now. My gut tells me that will change in the future. It's all in Gods time.

  Thank you guys for the support. Without you who knows where I would be right now.

-Stand
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

 

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