Author Topic: My Story They just don't understand  (Read 460 times)

Offline Stand TallTopic starter

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My Story They just don't understand
« on: May 30, 2018, 07:31:59 PM »
Hi everyone, It's been about 3 months for me since BD. You know the one, ILUBINILWY excuse. He told me at that time that he doesn't want to be with me anymore and that if I got divorced then he wouldn't give me anything. He would go to jail before he gave me anything. I thank God that I found you all.

For the first month he came around often and then ow showed up. My H is a man who is in a mans bike club, so when ow came into the picture I was told that I can't come to the clubhouse (ch) anymore. When he brought her out a few weeks later to our annual camping trip the girls where upset. They refused to talk to her.They missed me and were not happy that he did me the way that he did. So H got mad and told my gf's that they could not associate with me anymore. He told lies about me so that they would not talk to me anymore.

He did to me in this first month everything that I had asked him in the past to not do. Last time he came to the house was May 17th to get some clothes. Conversation was good. Felt like just another normal day of talking and sharing. He stayed an hour and a half. Gave me a hug like he always does and off he went. In the beginning he told me to pay the utilities and he would pay the mortgage. Well, that was a lie. We are now 2 months behind and probably looking at a foreclosure. Luckily my name is only on title. Also, found out that he isn't paying anything on his credit cards either. I hate to think that in the end he will be alone and in major debt.

I will petition the court tomorrow for spousal support. Maybe I can save the house. My biggest problem for me right now is panic attacks, anxiety and I think I have developed P.T.S.D. I worry all the time that he will come into the house when I'm sleeping. I really don't think that he would hurt me it's just the uncertainty. At the beginning of this month I went in the no contact mode. He would have to contact me. It did bring him around more often and he actually text me to tell me when he was coming over.

I know to not argue with him and mostly just listen to what he has to say. His M friends tell me that he is struggling with making decisions. They think the ow wont be around much longer. To be honest I really don't give a F about her. She gets to experience the ups and downs of this mlc. I've been told that he has lost a lot of weight, stringy hair, sick a lot and walks around depressed and pretty much stays away from everybody. I would love to get any info about what I can expect in the future months. What are some things that I need to do on my side. I'm not trying to get divorced. I just don't want to see him lose everything that he worked so hard to get.
« Last Edit: May 31, 2018, 01:52:26 AM by Thunder »
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Offline OldPilot

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #1 on: May 30, 2018, 07:35:11 PM »
Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
GAL.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4.msg380#msg380

Developing Detachment
http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.
Please stay on one thread until that thread reaches 150 posts as it is easier to keep track of that way.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Offline Thunder

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #2 on: May 31, 2018, 02:22:08 AM »
Stand,

I'm very sorry you are going through this, but you came to the right place for support.

You mentioned he will give you nothing if you divorce him, yet he wants nothing to do with you and has an ow.
It really is not up to him whether he gives you something or not.  That's up to the courts.  If he chooses jail, that's his problem.

Also if he is not paying the mortgage or his credit cards, that is also his problem.  Unless your name is on everything, too.
I'm glad you are going after spousal support.  That's a very good move on your part.  It's only what you legally deserve.
You said you are only on the title for the house.  Does that mean the house is his?
I guess I would talk to an attorney to get some answers to what all you can do.  You don't need to divorce him, but he does have responsibilities he needs to take care of.  You do need to protect yourself, financially.

I would worry more about yourself at this point, not him.  You are having anxiety and panic attacks, please see your doctor, they can give you something for that.
If you're worried he will come in the house at night put a chain lock on the inside of your back and front doors.  Their pretty easy to install.  You just lock them when you are home.  It will give you more peace of mind, plus keeping you safe from anyone else trying to come in at night when you're alone.

You will find these MLCer's become very selfish and only care about themselves.  Your job is to take care of yourself.
Let him worry about himself.

Keep posting.  Write any time you want to with questions, or just to get support.

Big Hug
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline Stand TallTopic starter

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #3 on: May 31, 2018, 06:59:50 PM »
Thank you for the help everyone.

  Well, I had a decent day. Went and got information from the courts to petition my H for spousal support. Will be getting that started tomorrow. I was also able to score 6 free sessions with a therapist. Something offered through my H job. It is completely confidential.

Ty OldPilot for all the resources you posted. I have been reading them off and on all day. It's a lot of great info and has helped me get my mind in check.

Thunder, I think with the spousal support I will be able to save the house. I will use it as an investment property and rent it out. I will be able to move in with S which will be perfect since I am his S, my GB full time nanny. I did tell you that I am on the title (deed) of the house, H is on the loan and I am not. If the house is foreclosed on it will not affect my credit. It will destroy his.

I felt so good today that I stopped at the store and bought supplies needed to kick start an old business that I dabbled in a few years ago. Lets see where this takes me.

The only question I have is if I move away and he comes looking for me will it confuse him and make him think that I didn't stand?

When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Offline Thunder

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #4 on: June 01, 2018, 04:52:12 AM »
Still, if it confuses him or makes him think you gave up, that's not always a bad thing.
He should worry about losing you.

Sounds like you have some plans moving forward, good for you.
I hope everything works out in your favor, with the courts.  Please let us know how it goes.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline Stand TallTopic starter

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What the heck just happened,
« Reply #5 on: June 07, 2018, 03:07:02 PM »
Hi everyone,

  I hate to meet you all this way, but thank you for being here. This is a restart of my story. I tried once before but left out most of my story.

  My H and I have been married for 19.10 years. Together for 23 yrs. We are each other's best friends. Sure we had arguments, but who doesn't? I have 3 grown kids and 1 GB from my 1st marriage and he has no kids. This is also his 2nd marriage. We are his family. My kids have good relationships with him. He told my son that I am his best friend and he does not want to lose me. 4th BD on March 13th 2018. He moved out. He told me that he didn't want to live with me anymore, but that he did not want to get divorced. He said he would pay the mortgage and I can pay the utilities. I got the ol ILUBINILWY for the reason. Then off he went. I was in shock. I figured a day or two and he would be back. Boy was I wrong.

  My H has been having troubles for years. He has left and came back 3 times and the 4th time he has not come back. I'm not surprised, he came from an awful mother who did not know how to love anyone but herself. H grew up with 8 kids from his stepdads side. They hated his mother. They believed that because of my H's M that their M killed herself. To get even they took their hate out on my H. They did things to him that no child should ever have happen to them. H was pulled from his M house to live in F house across the country. While living there he was beaten pretty bad from his F. So, he was sent back to his M across the country. At the age of 14 he was sent to live in a boys home. Stayed there till he graduated. Then off to the Navy were they picked him up to be a seal. A therapist that we once went to told us that Navy would pick people like my husband because there would be nobody looking for him or asking questions about the missions that he was sent on. I know of a few of them and they are ruff. Enough to mess up anyones mind.     I met him while he was in the Navy. After he told me his stories I promised him that I would never leave him like everyone else had left him. This was a promise that I would never break.

  My H joined a motorcycle club 1 1\2 years ago. We spent the last 9 yrs hanging around the club and doing club stuff. All of our friends are in the club. All of my girlfriends are married to or dating a club member. They were my biggest supports with this MLC stuff. In April, 2 days after my b-day out she came. The ow. My girlfriends were shocked and even told her that my H is married to which she responded "He is happy with me know". After this I was asked by a few of the club member if I thought that he was having a MLC. I had no clue what that was. Everyone was in shock. They knew I was a good wife. They were not in agreement with what he was doing. My H and I spent every weekend together doing things with the club. I asked him to not take my friends away from me. He said he wouldn't and that turned out to be a lie. At the beginning of April the club went on a camping trip. He took the ow. Non of the girls liked her, they said she was weird. Plus they all told me that they would not accept her. They wanted me back. They were texting me all day telling me that no one would talk to her. H and her mostly stayed in their trailer because she was being shunned. I was in shock when my girls told me some stories about this girl. Oh ya, he has definitely has affaired down. Way down. Not sure if anyone knows that bikers are a ruff bunch of men. The women do not talk back to them. While H was talking to a group of the men the ow says to my H, in an demanding voice, "tie my shoe"  He left the group and bent over and tied her show. This is not my husband. Then at a different time, the girls and one brother were sitting at a table talking and this ow came over and sat down, opened a box and proceeded to take out her sex toys and place them on the table. The man got up and left and the women didn't know what to say. How gross. So, ladies know you know what the ow are truly like. Nothing that we need to worry about.  :o

  After the camping trip out came the monster. He told all the women that they can no longer talk to me. He even made up lies and somehow was able to get a few of these women to lie for him. So, now I have lost all my girlfriends. It's ok, I have family that love me.

  Oh, at the camping trip one of the brothers ran into me watching the bands. He asked me what I wanted out of all this. I told him I want my H back. I want to fix us. He told me then I need to just leave him alone. Don't call him or text him. He said he didn't think that this was going to last much longer. He also told me that he and his W were working on there marriage. She went through a MLC and brought her om home to live in there house while my friend still lived there. I believe it took her a year and a half to get out of the tunnel. I took his advice, came home and looked up MLC. OMG, yes it describes him to a T.

  In closing I want to say In spite of the pain I am going through that I am proud of my H. I have wanted him to take this journey for so long. He needs to get his childhood out of his mind. I pray everyday for him to let go and walk the path that God is showing him. I don't give a rats ass about the girl. I know I am way better then her and I would hope that H can see that. To be honest, I'm not even sure if she is still around. My H comes to the house about 2 times a month and when he is there I am still his best friend. He tells me all about what he has been doing and what not. If they are lies then whatever. He seems happy telling me about them. I don't know how long this will last. I'm almost excited to see the new man that comes out of the tunnel. I always try to stay positive on things. Cup is always half full.
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain


Offline Thunder

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #7 on: June 08, 2018, 10:17:18 AM »
Stand, you do sound like a glass half full person.  That can get you through a lot of rough patches in life.

Just keep being you.  You're doing good.   :)

I hope our H can get through what he needs to get through and comes out a better person, but it can take years sometimes.  So no holding your breathe.  Just live your life.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline Stand TallTopic starter

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #8 on: June 12, 2018, 04:58:35 PM »
First I apologize for the double treads. I'm new to this.

  So, my H is a part time vanisher and comes by our house about twice a month. When he comes he is always pleasant to me. Today we talked about our house a little. We own a duplex and we (when he lived at home) lived in one and my S lives in the other. My H was whining about being so broke with paying the mortgage and renting a room in the house he lives in, probably ow house, so I told him our house has a spare room that he could stay in if he wanted to. I said you are paying the mortgage so why pay rent somewhere else. In reality I don't want him staying in my house right now. I was just being friendly. My son will be moving back to his house soon so I also told my H that he could always stay in the apartment. He thought a few minutes then said he might think about it. He also told me in that conversation that "He will never be coming back to live with me" I had to laugh inside because not 10 minutes before he showed up I read in someones thread about a former MLCer commenting in his book, "The Prodigal's Perspective", that when they say this to you feel lucky because its them trying to justify to themselves that they made the right choice. It shows that they are unsure. Half of his clothes are still here at the house and his mail still comes here. If he is never coming back then why not get your clothes out of here and have your mail sent to the house you are now living in. All it takes is paying for a P.o. Box. Claims he has no place to take his clothes. How about that room you are renting?

  Recently I had to get a new phone due to H never paying the bill on time and H did not have my new number. So, I asked him if he wanted my number and he said yes. I asked about his phone and he said he broke his. I asked how and he told me he threw it against the wall when he got mad, I never experienced that kind of behaviour from him in the 23 years I've known him. Guess thing aren't so pleasant in La La Land. I then said I thought you were using a phone that was owned by a friend and he said he had to give that phone back. He told me that I could email him and he can now read his mail at work. My gut says either she controls the phone because its hers or that ow1 is no longer in the picture. I do know that there is an ow because the passenger pegs were down on his bike. He doesn't normally have them down.

  I had my first visit with a phycologist yesterday. I saw this man years ago so I was able to bring him up to speed about the past and what is going on now. I needed answers. MLCer answers. He ask what was going on and said it sure sounds like it to him. He then explained to me what is happening in my H head. He told me that it is good signs that he is still coming to the house and that he is pleasant to me. I, of course told him that there is/was an ow, he said don't worry those relationships never last. I also told him about some things that have happened in my H recent past and he said with all that he could ask why wouldn't my H be in a MLC. He was most concerned about my H younger brother being murdered 1 1/2 years ago. My BIL was just 35 yrs old with a 2 year old son. Shot five times by his GF's F. and then got off all charges. It's all just sad. But, I don't think my H ever dealt with it. My psychologist said he sure wished my H would come in to see him. He said he could get this stuff worked out pretty quick. He has been in practice for 35 years.

  I heard about how he has lost so much weight from working out and how he is getting his six pack back. I just mirror his statements telling him how I'm down 30 lbs. Mine is from stress and anxiety like I'm sure his is too. lol I told him that my S and I have been cooking up some really great food lately. Boy, did he jump on that. Asking what we have been cooking. I told him about the BBq ribs I made the other day. Slow cooked in the oven for 4 hours. He knows I;m a good cook. Hell, that's how I landed him. Homemade sweet rolls. He isn't much of a cook and unless he is living with Betty Crocker he is not eating what I cook.

  I'm so tired about him complaining about not having any money all the damn time. He is paying the mortgage and I am paying the utilities. He is behind 2 months on the house and hasn't paid his credit cards in I don't know how long. None of these things have my name attached to them. Thank God, who has been watching out for me. He brings home about $3000 a month and the mortgage is $1064. I make about $1400 and pay all the utilities, my credit cards + everything else that goes with a house. Maybe someday he will realize that ow aren't cheap. Imagine how little he will have if we end up in court one day. Like they say its cheaper to keep her. 

  So, does he sound like life is a blast for him. Not at all.

   
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Offline Thunder

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #9 on: June 13, 2018, 07:35:19 AM »
Nope, not at all.

It's amazing the damage the can do to their life, and still keep doing it.   ::)
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline 1dayatatime

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #10 on: June 13, 2018, 09:42:09 AM »
His M friends tell me that he is struggling with making decisions. They think the ow wont be around much longer. To be honest I really don't give a F about her. She gets to experience the ups and downs of this mlc. I've been told that he has lost a lot of weight, stringy hair, sick a lot and walks around depressed and pretty much stays away from everybody.

Hi, Stand Tall!

Thanks for sharing your story, I really identified with this part about OW and his friends reaching out to you and telling you how he's confused. My partner's in the same place right now - has lost 20 lbs, hasn't cut his hair, sticks to OW like glue and is becoming antisocial with everyone else. Friends have reached out saying to try to wait it out - that they're a terrible match and he's just depressed and confused and that it won't last (apparently the OW told her friends she doesn't find him attractive and he's 'not even her type'  :o where do they find these women?!). From your description of her at the camping trip, it sounds like he's definitely affaired down. So good to see your attitude about it - nothing to worry about indeed. The less attention we pay to these women, the less power we give to them.

My partner also had a dark childhood that he hadn't acknowledged for so long. I really understand what you mean by, "In spite of the pain I am going through that I am proud of my H. I have wanted him to take this journey for so long. He needs to get his childhood out of his mind. I pray everyday for him to let go and walk the path that God is showing him. I don't give a rats ass about the girl. I know I am way better then her and I would hope that H can see that."
I could have written these words myself. Keep praying. I'm doing the same for mine, asking God to help him down this path, and will keep you in my prayers as well. Thank you so much for your positive attitude and strength, and for sharing your story!

Online RedStar

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #11 on: June 13, 2018, 10:10:48 AM »
I'll chime in with a me three, 1Day and Stand Tall!

It is still such early days for my sitch that I haven't actually heard from mutual friends about his new phony self yet or his pathetic, creepy enmeshment with OW (I already know he sticks to her like glue though)--but I fully expect to. It's always so amazing to hear how similar these guys are. Mine has also lost a lot of weight, looks drawn and tired, has raggedy hair and sloppy rather than trimmed beard growth, is usually dressed haphazardly (this though isn't necessarily different from his old self... ;) ), and he's been sounding like a dead frog. I suspect he's reprising his teen smoking so he can be like the OW (and also to mask her stank). She is a true affair down too. What is really interesting, ST, is that I think that she wasn't into him "that way" either and it might still be true. I don't know for sure and I don't need to find out. This is his problem, not mine!

I didn't actually realize how badly H's early life apparently has affected him. His parents these days seem mild and nice enough, but I do remember a bare few references to much stormier times and physical punishment and wonder how bad things really were back then. Around BD he also made note of some other ill treatment he'd endured from non-family members that he had never brought up to me before. I really, really hope that he gets the healing through this that he needs--and hope the same for your MLCers too.

It's fascinating that ST has heard "wait it out"! First time I have seen anyone post that others may see these things as just phases rather than final decisions against us.
« Last Edit: June 13, 2018, 10:12:24 AM by RedStar »

Offline Stand TallTopic starter

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #12 on: June 13, 2018, 08:15:20 PM »
Red Star,
  I heard "wait it out" from my Psychologist. He told me that from what I tell him about what my H is doing that H is unsure of his decision. He said these ow don't last because they are not what true love is. Agapy love is the unconditional love. The deep, comfort love that we get over time with our spouses. It holds a family and a marriage together. The love, or what they think is love, is really just an attraction type of love. It's cute and it's fun, but eventually reality rears it's big ugly head and they realize that this is not what they were looking for.   

One question that I have in reading that this can take as long as 10 years. Ok, but when do we begin the clock of 10 years. Is it at the BD and him running away from home or is it back when we can remember him acting in a MLC kind of way?  My H has been in this crisis for at least 10 years. He has run away from home 4 times now. This being the longest time away. With this record how do I take any of this serious. I see this other woman as just another way to try and hurt me. He can't hurt me anymore. I chose to stand for him and for our marriage just like I stood at the altar and stood for our marriage when I said my vows. The only hurt that I have is for him. I am his rock and I will always be here for him. The condition that I have set for him is that in order for him to come back to us is that he goes to therapy and gets fixed. I realize that this is another long journey, but my goal is to see him strong and free of the hell that his mother put him through growing up. This, I believe, is one of the thing that God has made my calling. Don't get me wrong. I do appreciate the gift of time that my H has given me. I am working on me too. I have so many things that I have always wanted to try or experience that I have started a list. Just wish I had more single girlfriends that could experience these things with me.

1Day,
  They find these woman at the bottom of the barrel. I will pray for you H that he finds that path to freedom. Stand tall and be strong. I think in this time we need to be there silent backbone. When or if they get angry and lash out at us we need to remember that God gave us two ears, words go in one side and right out the other side. My H whines about being broke all the time, I offered him the spare bedroom. I think he is looking for sympathy, I have none. What I do have is a tiny violin for him. He chose this lifestyle for himself. He can always come home.   
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Online RedStar

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #13 on: June 13, 2018, 09:36:57 PM »
Red Star,
  I heard "wait it out" from my Psychologist. He told me that from what I tell him about what my H is doing that H is unsure of his decision. He said these ow don't last because they are not what true love is. Agapy love is the unconditional love. The deep, comfort love that we get over time with our spouses. It holds a family and a marriage together. The love, or what they think is love, is really just an attraction type of love. It's cute and it's fun, but eventually reality rears it's big ugly head and they realize that this is not what they were looking for. 

It is totally the teenage kind of "lurve," yes. It *should* burn out, one would think...

Quote
One question that I have in reading that this can take as long as 10 years. Ok, but when do we begin the clock of 10 years. Is it at the BD and him running away from home or is it back when we can remember him acting in a MLC kind of way? 

To me, the distinction that's not always clear in discussion is between MLC as a whole process and just the Replay part, which is where the antics we are all watching come from.

Replay is the part that we start counting at BD. And I think it might be the least predictable in length, usually lasting at least 1.5 years but can be quite a lot more if MLCers continue not to face their issues or another trigger hits that keeps them in their upset state.

MLC has stages that come before Replay breaks out and also after it, and all of them together can easily add up to 10 years and beyond.

Quote
My H has been in this crisis for at least 10 years. He has run away from home 4 times now. This being the longest time away. With this record how do I take any of this serious.

4 times! You have put up with a lot! People will probably bring up RCR whose H did it 8 times...but maybe what you have is the definition of a boomerang?
« Last Edit: June 13, 2018, 09:44:10 PM by RedStar »

Offline Anjae

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #14 on: June 13, 2018, 10:15:17 PM »
Hi, Stand Tall.

His M friends tell me that he is struggling with making decisions. They think the ow wont be around much longer. To be honest I really don't give a F about her. She gets to experience the ups and downs of this mlc. I've been told that he has lost a lot of weight, stringy hair, sick a lot and walks around depressed and pretty much stays away from everybody.

Not being able to make decisions is part of MLC and usually with a MLCer needs OW/OM. OW/OM will make decisions for them.

Your BD is very recent, don't think your husband is nowhere near the end of his crisis.

You will probably won't like to hear this but Replay alone can last more than 10 years. Mr. J has been in Replay for 12 years. Others here have spouses who have been in Replay for 9 or 7 years.

OW may not stay around long, but that does not mean another OW will not follow. Or she may stay around for years on end.

As newbies, we all think our MLCer is going to be different - sure, some have a short Replay and crisis, but many do not.

The best advice I can give you is to look after yourself. If your husband's crisis ends soon, wonderful, if not, you will be prepared.

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

 

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