Author Topic: My Story They just don't understand  (Read 3475 times)

Offline 1dayatatime

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My Story Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #10 on: June 13, 2018, 09:42:09 AM »
His M friends tell me that he is struggling with making decisions. They think the ow wont be around much longer. To be honest I really don't give a F about her. She gets to experience the ups and downs of this mlc. I've been told that he has lost a lot of weight, stringy hair, sick a lot and walks around depressed and pretty much stays away from everybody.

Hi, Stand Tall!

Thanks for sharing your story, I really identified with this part about OW and his friends reaching out to you and telling you how he's confused. My partner's in the same place right now - has lost 20 lbs, hasn't cut his hair, sticks to OW like glue and is becoming antisocial with everyone else. Friends have reached out saying to try to wait it out - that they're a terrible match and he's just depressed and confused and that it won't last (apparently the OW told her friends she doesn't find him attractive and he's 'not even her type'  :o where do they find these women?!). From your description of her at the camping trip, it sounds like he's definitely affaired down. So good to see your attitude about it - nothing to worry about indeed. The less attention we pay to these women, the less power we give to them.

My partner also had a dark childhood that he hadn't acknowledged for so long. I really understand what you mean by, "In spite of the pain I am going through that I am proud of my H. I have wanted him to take this journey for so long. He needs to get his childhood out of his mind. I pray everyday for him to let go and walk the path that God is showing him. I don't give a rats ass about the girl. I know I am way better then her and I would hope that H can see that."
I could have written these words myself. Keep praying. I'm doing the same for mine, asking God to help him down this path, and will keep you in my prayers as well. Thank you so much for your positive attitude and strength, and for sharing your story!

Online RedStar

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #11 on: June 13, 2018, 10:10:48 AM »
I'll chime in with a me three, 1Day and Stand Tall!

It is still such early days for my sitch that I haven't actually heard from mutual friends about his new phony self yet or his pathetic, creepy enmeshment with OW (I already know he sticks to her like glue though)--but I fully expect to. It's always so amazing to hear how similar these guys are. Mine has also lost a lot of weight, looks drawn and tired, has raggedy hair and sloppy rather than trimmed beard growth, is usually dressed haphazardly (this though isn't necessarily different from his old self... ;) ), and he's been sounding like a dead frog. I suspect he's reprising his teen smoking so he can be like the OW (and also to mask her stank). She is a true affair down too. What is really interesting, ST, is that I think that she wasn't into him "that way" either and it might still be true. I don't know for sure and I don't need to find out. This is his problem, not mine!

I didn't actually realize how badly H's early life apparently has affected him. His parents these days seem mild and nice enough, but I do remember a bare few references to much stormier times and physical punishment and wonder how bad things really were back then. Around BD he also made note of some other ill treatment he'd endured from non-family members that he had never brought up to me before. I really, really hope that he gets the healing through this that he needs--and hope the same for your MLCers too.

It's fascinating that ST has heard "wait it out"! First time I have seen anyone post that others may see these things as just phases rather than final decisions against us.
« Last Edit: June 13, 2018, 10:12:24 AM by RedStar »

Offline Stand TallTopic starter

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #12 on: June 13, 2018, 08:15:20 PM »
Red Star,
  I heard "wait it out" from my Psychologist. He told me that from what I tell him about what my H is doing that H is unsure of his decision. He said these ow don't last because they are not what true love is. Agapy love is the unconditional love. The deep, comfort love that we get over time with our spouses. It holds a family and a marriage together. The love, or what they think is love, is really just an attraction type of love. It's cute and it's fun, but eventually reality rears it's big ugly head and they realize that this is not what they were looking for.   

One question that I have in reading that this can take as long as 10 years. Ok, but when do we begin the clock of 10 years. Is it at the BD and him running away from home or is it back when we can remember him acting in a MLC kind of way?  My H has been in this crisis for at least 10 years. He has run away from home 4 times now. This being the longest time away. With this record how do I take any of this serious. I see this other woman as just another way to try and hurt me. He can't hurt me anymore. I chose to stand for him and for our marriage just like I stood at the altar and stood for our marriage when I said my vows. The only hurt that I have is for him. I am his rock and I will always be here for him. The condition that I have set for him is that in order for him to come back to us is that he goes to therapy and gets fixed. I realize that this is another long journey, but my goal is to see him strong and free of the hell that his mother put him through growing up. This, I believe, is one of the thing that God has made my calling. Don't get me wrong. I do appreciate the gift of time that my H has given me. I am working on me too. I have so many things that I have always wanted to try or experience that I have started a list. Just wish I had more single girlfriends that could experience these things with me.

1Day,
  They find these woman at the bottom of the barrel. I will pray for you H that he finds that path to freedom. Stand tall and be strong. I think in this time we need to be there silent backbone. When or if they get angry and lash out at us we need to remember that God gave us two ears, words go in one side and right out the other side. My H whines about being broke all the time, I offered him the spare bedroom. I think he is looking for sympathy, I have none. What I do have is a tiny violin for him. He chose this lifestyle for himself. He can always come home.   
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Online RedStar

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #13 on: June 13, 2018, 09:36:57 PM »
Red Star,
  I heard "wait it out" from my Psychologist. He told me that from what I tell him about what my H is doing that H is unsure of his decision. He said these ow don't last because they are not what true love is. Agapy love is the unconditional love. The deep, comfort love that we get over time with our spouses. It holds a family and a marriage together. The love, or what they think is love, is really just an attraction type of love. It's cute and it's fun, but eventually reality rears it's big ugly head and they realize that this is not what they were looking for. 

It is totally the teenage kind of "lurve," yes. It *should* burn out, one would think...

Quote
One question that I have in reading that this can take as long as 10 years. Ok, but when do we begin the clock of 10 years. Is it at the BD and him running away from home or is it back when we can remember him acting in a MLC kind of way? 

To me, the distinction that's not always clear in discussion is between MLC as a whole process and just the Replay part, which is where the antics we are all watching come from.

Replay is the part that we start counting at BD. And I think it might be the least predictable in length, usually lasting at least 1.5 years but can be quite a lot more if MLCers continue not to face their issues or another trigger hits that keeps them in their upset state.

MLC has stages that come before Replay breaks out and also after it, and all of them together can easily add up to 10 years and beyond.

Quote
My H has been in this crisis for at least 10 years. He has run away from home 4 times now. This being the longest time away. With this record how do I take any of this serious.

4 times! You have put up with a lot! People will probably bring up RCR whose H did it 8 times...but maybe what you have is the definition of a boomerang?
« Last Edit: June 13, 2018, 09:44:10 PM by RedStar »

Offline Anjae

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #14 on: June 13, 2018, 10:15:17 PM »
Hi, Stand Tall.

His M friends tell me that he is struggling with making decisions. They think the ow wont be around much longer. To be honest I really don't give a F about her. She gets to experience the ups and downs of this mlc. I've been told that he has lost a lot of weight, stringy hair, sick a lot and walks around depressed and pretty much stays away from everybody.

Not being able to make decisions is part of MLC and usually with a MLCer needs OW/OM. OW/OM will make decisions for them.

Your BD is very recent, don't think your husband is nowhere near the end of his crisis.

You will probably won't like to hear this but Replay alone can last more than 10 years. Mr. J has been in Replay for 12 years. Others here have spouses who have been in Replay for 9 or 7 years.

OW may not stay around long, but that does not mean another OW will not follow. Or she may stay around for years on end.

As newbies, we all think our MLCer is going to be different - sure, some have a short Replay and crisis, but many do not.

The best advice I can give you is to look after yourself. If your husband's crisis ends soon, wonderful, if not, you will be prepared.

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Stand TallTopic starter

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #15 on: June 21, 2018, 07:27:09 PM »
Hi Anjae,
  I'm hoping that my H's friends are helping my H with this. One of the friends is in the recovery stage with his W. Unfortunately, they don't talk to me. It almost seems that he might be in counseling. It's just the way that he interacts with me. No monster ever. He just might be a boomerang low key type.

  The last time (last week) my H was at the house he was whining about being broke and having to pay rent for a room. I told him that we have a spare bedroom that he is welcome to take, lol. I knew he would say no. Actually what he told me was that "he will never come back to this house". I laughed inside because just a hour before I was reading someones thread and they were talking about a book that they had read where the MLCer stated that if your MLCer ever says this then feel lucky because that meant that he wasn't comfortable with his decision.

  I also told my H that I would be moving soon. My son and his family will be moving back to there house 30 minutes away and I'm going to move in with them. He showed concern. I told him that I really didn't want to move and he told me then don't move. I told him that I can't afford to stay in the house and that my job is being a nanny to my grandson and so it only makes sense to move to there house. I told him I might come home on the weekends. I will see how it goes.

  This has been a super shi!!y year for me so far, I think God might be making me strong for something coming to my future. First H walks out, then sons dog kills neighbors dog, then Ac in my upstairs apartment goes out and a few days ago I got word from back home that my mom has cancer. Its pancreatic that has spread to her liver. Not good. They are giving her 6 months. I never thought that something like this would happen in my family. I emailed my H to tell him this news. e-mail is my only source of communication. He says his friend took his phone back so he has no phone at the moment. Probably a half lie. She probably owns the phone and won't let him talk to me on it. He told me to email him because he can read them at work now. I heard nothing back and he did not show up this week. I figured that this might be to much stress for him.

  My mother does not live close to me so she has not been in my life daily. I do have a great relationship with her over the phone. I learned how to stand from her. My parents celebrated their 60th anniversary in January. She went through all kinds of hell with my dad, but she always stood by her man. She is one tuff cookie.

  Even with all this stress I keep seeing God's work. While walking through Walmart a man reached out and tagged me in my arm. When I looked over it was a very close friend of my H. He hugged me and asked if I was ok. I told him about my stresses and he told me that he could fix my AC unit. He came over and we got to talk about H. I told him that this would not change anything. He said that I didn't know what he can do. I do know he fixed my AC and only charged me for parts. Heaven sent. Another friend had a lawn mower for sale, so he fixed it up and sold it to me cheap. Same guy fixed my car so I could pass inspection. God is good.

  I had a very tuff day. Anxiety kept trying to show its ugly head. I did end up crying while taking a shower. It just gets hard trying to do everything alone. You guys know what I mean. I got overwhelmed. Nobody wants to hear me talk anymore. Its been a little over 3 months since BD. It's still raw in me.

  In today's mail was a check for just under 1000 bucks that is addressed to me and my H. I'm not sure if I can cash or deposit it since it will need both of our signatures. What do I do? I don't know how to get intouch with him plus I don't want to share it with him. He gives me no support outside of paying the mortgage sporadically. He is 2 months behind. Am I allowed to sign his name on the check? He probably wont ever even know that the check came.

Thank you everyone of you. My LBS sisters and brothers 

 
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Offline xyzcf

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #16 on: June 21, 2018, 07:51:43 PM »
Quote
One question that I have in reading that this can take as long as 10 years. Ok, but when do we begin the clock of 10 years.

Hello and welcome to Heros Spouse.

I would suggest that you do not put any time frame on his crisis......those that do come back in a couple of years, are often still in crisis and there seems to be a variety of levels of crisis....so hard to tell.

I have always thought my husband of 32 years would come back home...we have had a great deal of contact over the last 9 years, yes I said 9 years.....but in reality it has been extremely superficial and very confusing.

I am standing for our marriage because I believe that marriage is permanent. He doesn't believe that even though he always did before his crisis.

This is not about you, not about your marriage and unfortunately there is nothing you can do. You can protect yourself financially, you can get help...you mentioned PTSD...this is PTSD for our whole world was totally blown apart. I was in therapy for 1 1/2 years at the beginning but that did not help me...I went back to therapy last August and my therapist is a mind body expert...this has helped me immensely.

The anxiety attacks are very common. Triggers and special dates and things we find out about them that cause us so much distress.....we are always off guard, off kilter...many things can help, regular exercise is essential and getting enough sleep..I have had to use anti anxiety meds at various times to get me through some times when I cannot turn off the "anxiety".

Heros spouse will help you...listen to what people have to say but you know your own situation better than any one, even though there are similarities, our stories and our beings are totally different.

read and reread RCR's articles...I cannot say that enough!

Trust God, He loves you and He loves your husband very much. If you have not already found this site, Rejoice Ministries has daily devotionals that encourage you through this darkness. Also a book by Linda Rook called "Broken heart on hold. Surviving Separation" is very good.

Take care of your self financially! That is really important for we cannot trust a thing that they do.

Sorry you have to be here. ((((HUGS)))))
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

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Online Treasur

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #17 on: June 21, 2018, 09:52:44 PM »
I’m so sorry. I lost my father to pancreatic cancer too just before BD.

I would echo the loving advice given here already looking back with the gift of hindsight. Simple principles. Your h is in crisis, his crisis and NOTHING you do will fix it. It is as if he has a wall round him that your words and normal loving care will bounce off. Be civil but step away and let it be. It is likely he will do and say things you would not imagine him to be capable of and right now he does not care about your wellbeing so you must. PTSD like trauma effects are normal so be very gentle with yourself as if you were your own best friend. Hope for the best financially but protect yourself by assuming the worst. Get L advice. Plan to live as if he was gone for good. Ask for help and take it like the nice AC man. And triage your life...focus on the % of stuff that really matters like your Mum now. Take it day by day or hour by hour if you must. Spend time with good people who love you. Come here when you need a hug from people who get it and to be reminded that none of this is your fault and you are not insane.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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Offline Thunder

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #18 on: June 22, 2018, 03:29:08 AM »
Stand,

I sent you a PM (private message).
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Stand TallTopic starter

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #19 on: June 22, 2018, 09:13:33 PM »
Treasur,

  Thank you for the PM, it all worked out very well. I do understand that my H is in this alone and there is nothing that I can do to change it or speed it along. I have accepted this. Q, when getting L advice, Do we talk about our H condition? Do we tell them we are trying to protect ourselves financially? I keep thinking that my H is in financial hardship and I'm feeling guilty if I ask the courts for spousal support. Then I think he isn't giving me any support and he still isn't paying his bill correctly, so why not get support for me. I have bills to pay too and I'm struggling. I just need to do it. His friends told me in the beginning to stay away (in a nice way) from him and just let this play through. One of his friends is in the recovery stage with his W. He asked me to not make any drastic changes. (like divorce) I guess that's so H wouldn't be overwhelmed with the changes. Is asking for support a drastic change for a MLCer? Thank you so much for showing me care about my mother. I'm so sorry for your loss as well.


  I had a pretty good week. Went to my Doctor on Tuesday. I'm trying to get all my health taken care of just in case H removes me off my healthcare. Fortunately here in my state he can't do that until we are divorced (no divorce talked about). Was told that my heart is in great condition. They took enough blood from my arm. I had to ask them to please leave me some. This was the first time in my 57 years that I had to say yes when asked if I could have an STD and would I like to be tested. I told my Doctor the situation about my H. I was not going to be looked at like I was some kind of...... anyway.

xyzcf,

  I use the 10 year time frame lightly. I know there is no real time and each person's situation is there own. I have accepted that. xyz I am seeing a phycologist. I needed someone to talk to. My family and friends won't listen. All I hear is divorce him. I'm so glad that I found this forum. You guys have saved me from the padded cell. Every night I read different parts of the forum. I want to be well educated in MLC so that I know how to deal with situations when they come up. Thank you for guiding me to Rejoice ministries. I think this has been something that I have been looking for. You told me to read RCR's articles. I was able to find one from 2005 and read it, but I don't know how to find the others. Can you tell me how I can get to them please?

Question on boundaries,

  Being early in this I have read to be tuff and I have read to not give to many or to challenging boundaries to my MLCer. I am reading a book called "Detach and Survive" A book of self care for the wives of MLC men written by Midlife Maze. In it they talk about boundaries for ow. They said "that when you lived with your H that you had a boundary that there would be no infidelity. So why is that not still a boundary" I thought that this was pretty much a common thing to a MLCer. Do we just tell our H that we would not approve or accept them having affairs? There would be nothing that we could do to stop it. What would be the consequence for breaking this boundary? The other boundaries that I have pertain to him showing up unannounced, not giving a 24 hour notice before showing up and walking in without knocking. He doesn't seem to understand that he chose not to live in our home anymore so he has lost that privilege. I will also tell him that if I am not at home then he will not be able to come into the house. Any suggestion for consequences for these boundaries? You all know better then I do what works for them. 

The best thing I saw on social media this week was pictures of my MLCer having his bike blessed while at a function (a bikini contest). ow was not in any of the pictures. I know that she was there because he had 2 helmets hanging from his bike. First thought was that he should have had the prayers said over him. Then I thought that there was a glimmer of hope for him. He doesn't hate God and maybe this was God's way of opening the path for my H. Typing this just gave me goosebumps.
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

 

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