Author Topic: My Story They just don't understand  (Read 491 times)

Online 1dayatatime

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My Story Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #10 on: June 13, 2018, 09:42:09 AM »
His M friends tell me that he is struggling with making decisions. They think the ow wont be around much longer. To be honest I really don't give a F about her. She gets to experience the ups and downs of this mlc. I've been told that he has lost a lot of weight, stringy hair, sick a lot and walks around depressed and pretty much stays away from everybody.

Hi, Stand Tall!

Thanks for sharing your story, I really identified with this part about OW and his friends reaching out to you and telling you how he's confused. My partner's in the same place right now - has lost 20 lbs, hasn't cut his hair, sticks to OW like glue and is becoming antisocial with everyone else. Friends have reached out saying to try to wait it out - that they're a terrible match and he's just depressed and confused and that it won't last (apparently the OW told her friends she doesn't find him attractive and he's 'not even her type'  :o where do they find these women?!). From your description of her at the camping trip, it sounds like he's definitely affaired down. So good to see your attitude about it - nothing to worry about indeed. The less attention we pay to these women, the less power we give to them.

My partner also had a dark childhood that he hadn't acknowledged for so long. I really understand what you mean by, "In spite of the pain I am going through that I am proud of my H. I have wanted him to take this journey for so long. He needs to get his childhood out of his mind. I pray everyday for him to let go and walk the path that God is showing him. I don't give a rats ass about the girl. I know I am way better then her and I would hope that H can see that."
I could have written these words myself. Keep praying. I'm doing the same for mine, asking God to help him down this path, and will keep you in my prayers as well. Thank you so much for your positive attitude and strength, and for sharing your story!

Online RedStar

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #11 on: June 13, 2018, 10:10:48 AM »
I'll chime in with a me three, 1Day and Stand Tall!

It is still such early days for my sitch that I haven't actually heard from mutual friends about his new phony self yet or his pathetic, creepy enmeshment with OW (I already know he sticks to her like glue though)--but I fully expect to. It's always so amazing to hear how similar these guys are. Mine has also lost a lot of weight, looks drawn and tired, has raggedy hair and sloppy rather than trimmed beard growth, is usually dressed haphazardly (this though isn't necessarily different from his old self... ;) ), and he's been sounding like a dead frog. I suspect he's reprising his teen smoking so he can be like the OW (and also to mask her stank). She is a true affair down too. What is really interesting, ST, is that I think that she wasn't into him "that way" either and it might still be true. I don't know for sure and I don't need to find out. This is his problem, not mine!

I didn't actually realize how badly H's early life apparently has affected him. His parents these days seem mild and nice enough, but I do remember a bare few references to much stormier times and physical punishment and wonder how bad things really were back then. Around BD he also made note of some other ill treatment he'd endured from non-family members that he had never brought up to me before. I really, really hope that he gets the healing through this that he needs--and hope the same for your MLCers too.

It's fascinating that ST has heard "wait it out"! First time I have seen anyone post that others may see these things as just phases rather than final decisions against us.
« Last Edit: June 13, 2018, 10:12:24 AM by RedStar »

Offline Stand TallTopic starter

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #12 on: June 13, 2018, 08:15:20 PM »
Red Star,
  I heard "wait it out" from my Psychologist. He told me that from what I tell him about what my H is doing that H is unsure of his decision. He said these ow don't last because they are not what true love is. Agapy love is the unconditional love. The deep, comfort love that we get over time with our spouses. It holds a family and a marriage together. The love, or what they think is love, is really just an attraction type of love. It's cute and it's fun, but eventually reality rears it's big ugly head and they realize that this is not what they were looking for.   

One question that I have in reading that this can take as long as 10 years. Ok, but when do we begin the clock of 10 years. Is it at the BD and him running away from home or is it back when we can remember him acting in a MLC kind of way?  My H has been in this crisis for at least 10 years. He has run away from home 4 times now. This being the longest time away. With this record how do I take any of this serious. I see this other woman as just another way to try and hurt me. He can't hurt me anymore. I chose to stand for him and for our marriage just like I stood at the altar and stood for our marriage when I said my vows. The only hurt that I have is for him. I am his rock and I will always be here for him. The condition that I have set for him is that in order for him to come back to us is that he goes to therapy and gets fixed. I realize that this is another long journey, but my goal is to see him strong and free of the hell that his mother put him through growing up. This, I believe, is one of the thing that God has made my calling. Don't get me wrong. I do appreciate the gift of time that my H has given me. I am working on me too. I have so many things that I have always wanted to try or experience that I have started a list. Just wish I had more single girlfriends that could experience these things with me.

1Day,
  They find these woman at the bottom of the barrel. I will pray for you H that he finds that path to freedom. Stand tall and be strong. I think in this time we need to be there silent backbone. When or if they get angry and lash out at us we need to remember that God gave us two ears, words go in one side and right out the other side. My H whines about being broke all the time, I offered him the spare bedroom. I think he is looking for sympathy, I have none. What I do have is a tiny violin for him. He chose this lifestyle for himself. He can always come home.   
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Online RedStar

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #13 on: June 13, 2018, 09:36:57 PM »
Red Star,
  I heard "wait it out" from my Psychologist. He told me that from what I tell him about what my H is doing that H is unsure of his decision. He said these ow don't last because they are not what true love is. Agapy love is the unconditional love. The deep, comfort love that we get over time with our spouses. It holds a family and a marriage together. The love, or what they think is love, is really just an attraction type of love. It's cute and it's fun, but eventually reality rears it's big ugly head and they realize that this is not what they were looking for. 

It is totally the teenage kind of "lurve," yes. It *should* burn out, one would think...

Quote
One question that I have in reading that this can take as long as 10 years. Ok, but when do we begin the clock of 10 years. Is it at the BD and him running away from home or is it back when we can remember him acting in a MLC kind of way? 

To me, the distinction that's not always clear in discussion is between MLC as a whole process and just the Replay part, which is where the antics we are all watching come from.

Replay is the part that we start counting at BD. And I think it might be the least predictable in length, usually lasting at least 1.5 years but can be quite a lot more if MLCers continue not to face their issues or another trigger hits that keeps them in their upset state.

MLC has stages that come before Replay breaks out and also after it, and all of them together can easily add up to 10 years and beyond.

Quote
My H has been in this crisis for at least 10 years. He has run away from home 4 times now. This being the longest time away. With this record how do I take any of this serious.

4 times! You have put up with a lot! People will probably bring up RCR whose H did it 8 times...but maybe what you have is the definition of a boomerang?
« Last Edit: June 13, 2018, 09:44:10 PM by RedStar »

Offline Anjae

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Re: They just don't understand
« Reply #14 on: June 13, 2018, 10:15:17 PM »
Hi, Stand Tall.

His M friends tell me that he is struggling with making decisions. They think the ow wont be around much longer. To be honest I really don't give a F about her. She gets to experience the ups and downs of this mlc. I've been told that he has lost a lot of weight, stringy hair, sick a lot and walks around depressed and pretty much stays away from everybody.

Not being able to make decisions is part of MLC and usually with a MLCer needs OW/OM. OW/OM will make decisions for them.

Your BD is very recent, don't think your husband is nowhere near the end of his crisis.

You will probably won't like to hear this but Replay alone can last more than 10 years. Mr. J has been in Replay for 12 years. Others here have spouses who have been in Replay for 9 or 7 years.

OW may not stay around long, but that does not mean another OW will not follow. Or she may stay around for years on end.

As newbies, we all think our MLCer is going to be different - sure, some have a short Replay and crisis, but many do not.

The best advice I can give you is to look after yourself. If your husband's crisis ends soon, wonderful, if not, you will be prepared.

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

 

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