Author Topic: My Story  A New And Different Growing - Where Will It Lead? III  (Read 678 times)

Offline Wonder no more

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My Story Re: A New And Different Growing - Where Will It Lead? III
« Reply #10 on: June 02, 2018, 05:46:11 AM »
I'm still here since.  August will be 8 years since BD.  I never post on my own thread because there is nothing new.  I actually feel guilty sometimes because I was blessed to have a rare MLCer that made it through and got his act together.

Offline serenity

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Re: A New And Different Growing - Where Will It Lead? III
« Reply #11 on: June 02, 2018, 06:27:26 AM »
Ooh nah! I’m all for an old timers group!

Please start one🙏🏻

X

Offline Thunder

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Re: A New And Different Growing - Where Will It Lead? III
« Reply #12 on: June 02, 2018, 06:31:11 AM »
I second the motion!   :)
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline xyzcf

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Re: A New And Different Growing - Where Will It Lead? III
« Reply #13 on: June 02, 2018, 02:04:19 PM »
Quote
But I do think it is rare for a MLCer to get really stuck/never come out of MLC or for a LBS not to keep growing and changing.

Sometimes, I wonder if it might have been "better" for me to have gone through the end of our marriage 9 years ago, to finalize and clarify that  this relationship was no longer in existence, it was totally done then, as it seems to be now anyway. Perhaps it would have really been in the past but the idea that his crisis could end, that he might return home, that my family would be intact was what I believed in. That really seemed to be something that was possible.

And so we debated, paving the way, contact no contact, GALing, wearing rings or not...debated and questioned and brought up theories and ideas of causation...knowing as we all do, that there was something really wrong with this....leaving a happy family life so suddeningly and doing so many things that were against their values and beliefs, not remaining attached to their children...so many "proofs" that something was seriously wrong with them.

I smile now when I think of the terms we use, that we understand, "monster", "replay", "running", "affair down", "movement"....driving home from a golf clinic this afternoon, I saw a Covenant Transport Truck.....somehow, that used to be a "sign" of some sort.

Could I have taken a different direction than I did? To avoid so many years of depression and sadness and functioning on one cylinder only...should I have locked the door and thrown away the key...never looking back, never allowing him into my life only to hurt me so many times?

Perhaps. But then I might have always wondered....did I do everything possible to create a safe space for him to come home when his crisis was over?

I don't share my story with him on HS....I do comment on some threads although much less so and I stay in contact with a few people who know me and know my story, both for their support and kindness as well as any insight that they have...that helps me still.....

I no longer anxiously scan to look for "purple" icons...for indeed, every story is different.

I agree that MLCers do not remain "stuck for eternity" but sadly that means that as so many years go by, they develop their own lives......I am not the woman he loved either anymore...so I do not know that there is anything left of us..it sure doesn't seem so.

It is good to connect with you, friends who have shared so much of their pain and their growth...it does worry me a bit though, although it is reality, for newer members to see the number of years that some of us have existed in this crazy state...almost impossible to comprehend the years that I have lost.

I am trying to make sure I do not miss anymore of my life because of the darkness that this has caused, for me and my daughter....but somehow it seems, just when I am finding some peace and joy...I find out about something else that still has the power to shatter my world...and I am not alone in this.....some close LBS friends that I am friends with also are still left with a world that has not come back to what was before BD.....

Wish we all lived close to one another....it would be lovely to be able to encounter life with people who understand why I am not quite the person I should be.

XO
« Last Edit: June 02, 2018, 02:07:38 PM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

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Offline serenity

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Re: A New And Different Growing - Where Will It Lead? III
« Reply #14 on: June 02, 2018, 02:43:43 PM »
I wish that too xyz,

I wish we were all close and in the same country too! There’s so many of us that I’d like to sit and talk with. People who understand me and what I’ve been through.

I was just messsging an old friend in RL and I said I mostly wear a mask to the outside world, to people in RL. No one wants to see me sad or unhappy. So I pretend I’m fine and all is great. But in truth it’s not, despite all my lovely friends and family, my loneliness persists, my inner sadness persists.

Even if my H did get through and beat this thing he’s ruined the lovely marriage that we had. The trust, the easiness we had with each other. The silly ‘in’ jokes. It all comes with spending a lifetime with that person! Even if I met someone now there isn’t the time to have all that again.

I know I’m lucky I have so much to be thankful for. I appreciate all I have but I do get so tired of that inner pain/sadness that never leaves me.

Also xyz, with what you said, I believe our H’s never let us get over them all those years ago. They clung to us, never going away. Even now when I think my H has gone for good, he surprises me and pops up again. We have a conversation like we are constantly in touch but we are not. He goes through periods of disappearing now.

It’s still all so strange so how could we have cut them off all those years ago. My H left but never went away. It’s only been probably the last year or so that’s he’s distanced that bit more but then like I said he’ll suddenly appear again and ask me some random question or he’ll remember something from the past!

I never see or hear from my first H and my D is his! She never hears from her real father. She looks on my H as her dad! But I feel my first H, although awful is behaving in a way normal people do and he let me go, divorced me and never bothers with me.

But my MLC H remains in my life in whatever capacity and we are still married after over 7 years! So that still tells me something is very wrong and in no way normal!

I don’t have all the answers and probably never will but I’m still baffled by all this really!

X

Offline AnjaeTopic starter

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Re: A New And Different Growing - Where Will It Lead? III
« Reply #15 on: June 02, 2018, 03:05:40 PM »
Mine has been very quiet but even that’s a change. Any change is movement.

Yes, even quiet is change and movement.

Wonder, need to catch up with your story. Didn't remember your MLCer has made it. Can you share a bit?

Perhaps it would have really been in the past but the idea that his crisis could end, that he might return home, that my family would be intact was what I believed in. That really seemed to be something that was possible.

The crisis does end (for most). We have all seen it on HS and in real life. The problem is, early on here on HS, and for years after, we were always lead to believe the crisis the average crisis was shorter than it really is - it seems now that, what once was considered the average is the exception, the short crisis. A real, deep, serious, years long MLC is not two years. It is not even five, if I am not mistaken the upper limit by then. Five is middle, or less, for the long crisis.

Another thing we didn't used to be familiar with was with the MLCer that remained married for years on end, while leading his/her MLC, but files for divorce on year 5, 7, 9 or more. By year 5, 7, 9 or more the crisis should be over. Not just Replay, the whole crisis. That was what we used to think.

Reality show us otherwise. The articles are great, but they do not reflect those facts.

I smile now when I think of the terms we use, that we understand, "monster", "replay", "running", "affair down", "movement"

So do I.  :)

I still like to see purple icons. But I know a happy ending has more than one end.

I agree that MLCers do not remain "stuck for eternity" but sadly that means that as so many years go by, they develop their own lives......I am not the woman he loved either anymore...so I do not know that there is anything left of us..it sure doesn't seem so.

Yes, it means they will get used to their crisis life and their crisis life will be their new life, even if they remember how things used to be. None of us is the person they loved and they are not the people we loved, even when out of crisis. Of course we still us and they will be themselves again, but a lot has changed.

RCR leaves it clear in the articles, we don't know if we will like and/or love the out of crisis MLCer or if the out of crisis MLCer will like and/or love us.

...it does worry me a bit though, although it is reality, for newer members to see the number of years that some of us have existed in this crazy state...almost impossible to comprehend the years that I have lost.

You are right. On the other hand, hiding reality wouldn't make sense. And some of us still come around but have new partners, Nah, for example. MLCers often don't tend to let go. Your husband and Mitzpah's one keept being around. One does not want to leave with MLC presence, but the MLCer comes and goes, never allowing for the LBS to forget the situation.

Even Mr. J, he has a way of "turning up". Same for Mr. Ready2. It is not like a couple that has divorced and remained friendly. In mine and Ready2's case, lots of stuff still had, or still have, to be sorted. And my MLCer was nastier than nasty until not that long ago.

Wish we all lived close to one another....it would be lovely to be able to encounter life with people who understand why I am not quite the person I should be.

So do I. And yet, what a wonder the internet is. We live 1000, 5000, 20000  kilometers apart, most of us have never seen each other, and we manage to be friends and support each other. Where would we be, and who would help is, if not for the internet?

I was just messsging an old friend in RL and I said I mostly wear a mask to the outside world, to people in RL. No one wants to see me sad or unhappy. So I pretend I’m fine and all is great. But in truth it’s not, despite all my lovely friends and family, my loneliness persists, my inner sadness persists.

I don't wear a mask. There is no inner loneliness that persists and the sadness is gone. I have less good days, but it is because of the peri-menopause and other health issues that, often, do not allow me to do things I would like to. But I use HD mantras "one day at a time" and "this too shall pass" and make sure I don't allow, as much as possible, stress to get to me.

To be fair, I was not happy at all on the months before BD. Mr. J was already up and down monstering, while conductiong his affair with OW1 in the grand tour of Portuguese Hotel's Bedrooms. I am far happier now than by then. And far less lonely. Having someone physically present does not mean we don't fell lonely. A present in body Mr. J, but absent in all other matters, was not good.


Even if I met someone now there isn’t the time to have all that again.

There isn't (well, for me there is). But that does not mean it cannot be good. Think of people who meet in nursing homes and got married very late in life. Length of marriage/relationship does not equal good or happy. It it would, MLCer in long term relationships with OW/OM would all be happy and in great relationships, and people who, by a number of reasons, didn't had a long marriage/relationship would never had a good and happy one.

For me, the big difference is that I was 18 when Mr. J and I got together. I was 37, about to be 38, when he left. Since, I never had another long term relationship and I will be 50 by the end of the years. I had a boyfriend years ago, but it didn't last more than 18 months or so. I don't think it was supposed to. Aside from Mr. J, I don't experience with long term relationships and with none that started in my 30s or 40s.

But my MLC H remains in my life in whatever capacity and we are still married after over 7 years! So that still tells me something is very wrong and in no way normal!

Yes, the MLCer never really lets go. Mr. J is still very worried there may be someone new in my life. Really? It has been over a decade, he is the one who left an wante nothing with me (or better, he wante me and OW) and he worries I may have a boyfriend? That is not normal. I don't worry about OW2 or any other woman he may have.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline xyzcf

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Re: A New And Different Growing - Where Will It Lead? III
« Reply #16 on: June 02, 2018, 03:20:07 PM »
Serenity, as I read this nodding my head in agreement.

Quote
Also xyz, with what you said, I believe our H’s never let us get over them all those years ago. They clung to us, never going away.

Yes, bringing me gifts, remembering and sending greetings for important occasions, going to mass with me when he was in town on business.

Quote
It’s still all so strange so how could we have cut them off all those years ago. My H left but never went away
.

Throwing us crumbs perhaps, making sure the "anchor is still there"

Quote
But I feel my first H, although awful is behaving in a way normal people do and he let me go, divorced me and never bothers with me.

I saw a lawyer this week to change some stuff in my will and she said the same thing. She also told me she thought my husband had a mental health illness.


Quote
But my MLC H remains in my life in whatever capacity and we are still married after over 7 years! So that still tells me something is very wrong and in no way normal!

Almost 9 for us.

Quote
I don’t have all the answers and probably never will but I’m still baffled by all this really!

So am I!
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

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Offline osb

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Re: A New And Different Growing - Where Will It Lead? III
« Reply #17 on: June 03, 2018, 06:09:41 PM »
Wish we all lived close to one another....it would be lovely to be able to encounter life with people who understand why I am not quite the person I should be.

So do I. And yet, what a wonder the internet is. We live 1000, 5000, 20000  kilometers apart, most of us have never seen each other, and we manage to be friends and support each other. Where would we be, and who would help is, if not for the internet?

So very true. If the universe would permit us all to be in the same space for a while, that would be lovely. But then, when I read your thread Anjae, my mind lights up like I'm visiting a friend. For so I am.
"You have a right to action, not to the fruit thereof; shoot your arrow, but do not look to see where it lands."  -Bhagavad Gita

Offline AnjaeTopic starter

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Re: A New And Different Growing - Where Will It Lead? III
« Reply #18 on: June 03, 2018, 06:36:38 PM »
Hello, osb.  :)

But then, when I read your thread Anjae, my mind lights up like I'm visiting a friend. For so I am.

 :) You're as much my friends as real life friends. In some ways, more. Many talks had here, I never had in real life.

The internet is not the first long distance type of friendship. There used to be pen friends. I do have pen friends in real life, we meet on Coursera, have never seen each other, but we exchange letters and postcards.

Many centuries, millenia, even, ago, people already wrote to friends they have never meet. The internet just makes it easier to share and be close.

The parents of a professional acquaintance, meet, mid 20 century, by letter. The dad lived in another European country, fall in love with the Portuguese lady, come over, got married and had several children. They were together for decades, until she died years ago.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: A New And Different Growing - Where Will It Lead? III
« Reply #19 on: June 05, 2018, 11:33:05 AM »
Attaching.  I feel there is so much to learn from you long timers.  Thank you for continuing to post, even if it is less about MLC and more about how your life is now, there is still lots to learn from all of you.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10203.msg671589#msg671589

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

 

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