Author Topic: My Story Ugh...seriously?!?  (Read 2031 times)

Offline KittyTopic starter

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My Story Ugh...seriously?!?
« on: June 02, 2018, 07:21:07 AM »
Can someone please post the link to my old thread?

Previous thread: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10067.0

I was only a couple posts away from 150 and given what I am about to journal about, decided to start a new thread.

My friend texted me this morning. She wished me a safe flight and said she wanted to talk to me when I get back, before I talked to Grumpy. So I called her and asked what was up, because the message had me wondering and there was no way I could wait until I got home after that.

She told me that she heard from a reliable source that Grumpy made it official at a party this past weekend that he was going to be moving in with OW.

I knew something was up with him when I saw him last. He held my hand for the first time in months. And made sure to tell me that even though he still wants to finalize things between us, that he doesn’t want the door shut between us. ::)

I talked to sampsed about it, and she says it’s a good thing. She says that it’s movement on his part, this way he can see that the OW isn’t what she is making herself out to be and that he will see her true colors, and get tired of dealing with her kids after a while.

So I have a question to all the vets that may read my thread. Do you consider it movement? What are your thoughts on when the MLCer moves in with OW/OM?

Thanks in advance for any responses.
« Last Edit: June 02, 2018, 07:35:33 AM by Mitzpah »
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline Whyus

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #1 on: June 02, 2018, 07:26:54 AM »
Im certainly no vet Kitty and call it movement if you like.  To be it would be just Another Step too far, Another nail in the marital coffin. Thats a big decision which he is Making.
I hope your ok...
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 44
W: 44
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28. Trainings partner. Still together
2 Sons - 18 & 19
2 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Filed
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0
T10. http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9547.0

Offline serenity

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #2 on: June 02, 2018, 07:31:31 AM »
Hi Kitty,

I’ll answer your question with my own experiences of this

My H’s first OW rumbled on and off for couple years, then they moved in together and it lasted less than six months. I think they fought a lot and my H refused to D me despite OW1 divorcing her H straight away. I believe she was also having a MLC too! So can you imagine the pair of them? Both using each other and of course it was true love!!!

OW3 lasted longer as she moved in straight away as she was virtually homeless (nice!) and that struggled on for a couple years. I think she was actually my H’s rent a lot of the time!

So you see this can either fizzle out really quickly or it can linger on until it’s unbearable for both of them! I know another MLCer whose lives with same OW for about 8 years and he’s been begging his LBS wife to take him back for the last 3!

There’s a lot of variations of how things will go but I can guarantee you that none of these R’s last. They’re built on lies and receipt. It’s nothing like you had at all

X

Offline Mitzpah

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #3 on: June 02, 2018, 07:40:49 AM »


So I have a question to all the vets that may read my thread. Do you consider it movement? What are your thoughts on when the MLCer moves in with OW/OM?


Yes, it is movement.

He is moving in with the ow right on schedule... About 10/11 months after leaving home, like mine did.

My h. lived with her for over four years and then (according to my kids) got tired of living with her kids  and felt that they (he and OW) would get on better if they lived apart. So far, he seems to enjoying living by himself and keeping her as his gf.

Kitty, I am sorry, this takes an awful long time... however, it is their crisis and they have to work their way through it.

I hope you are ok?
M 56
H 56
S 26
S 24
D 23
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline Thunder

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #4 on: June 02, 2018, 07:54:47 AM »
I agree, it's not movement, just another step in his MLC and probably pressure from ow.

BUT I do think it may be a good thing because yes, he will see her true colors and also possibly get sick of her kids.
You don't really know someone until you live with them.  Her mask will fall real fast after they spend every day together in the world of kids issues, cleaning, laundry, sicknesses...in other words the good, bad and the ugly.

Nothing will kill a fantasy romance faster than living together.  Takes all the fun out of it.

But I am sorry, Kitty.  I hate when they say things like, don't want to shut the door between us, or we'll still be friends.
All BS to make them seem like good guys.
What their really saying is, I'm going do something very unkind and go live with my affair partner but I don't want you mad at me.   :-\
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline Ready2Transform

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #5 on: June 02, 2018, 08:29:13 AM »
I know it's easy to focus on what it means in terms of his crisis right now, but I can still remember the sting of these MLC milestones and want you to focus on your own self-care and foundation right now. You're going to cycle through all kinds of emotions about this, because it can't help but do that. None of us know the outcome other than that you will become stronger as you process through this. Hugs.
"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

http://seriousvanity.com/how-to-cultivate-unconditional-love-and-change-the-world/

Offline seahorse

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #6 on: June 02, 2018, 10:11:04 AM »
Kitty - Attaching and sorry about Grumpy’s poor decision.
Hopefully, it WILL make their masks fall and see eachother for what they truly are right now.
I’m sorry you had to hear it at the end of your vacation.

Keep doing yourself - because do you it well.
We’re all here for you, anytime.
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline FearNot

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #7 on: June 02, 2018, 11:41:18 AM »
Attaching Kitty.

I too am sorry to hear that Grumpy has made this decision. I'm not sure if it's good or bad, but the pressure from the OW should most certainly increase. Whether that is a benefit or not, time will tell. Stay steadfast and strong and working on you. Hugs.
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Anjae

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #8 on: June 02, 2018, 04:01:52 PM »
Hi Kitty,

So I have a question to all the vets that may read my thread. Do you consider it movement? What are your thoughts on when the MLCer moves in with OW/OM?

Yes, it is movement. And a new phase for your MLCer.

As others have said, things can go in a number of ways. Mr. J never lived with OW1 and they lasted some 15 months in the open, the affair had been going on for 5 months or so before he left, at first just EA, soon meeting in hotel bedrooms all over the country.

He got together with OW2 August 2008, nearly 10 years ago, and has been living with her for nearly 9. He never asked to come back home.

All he has ever said about his relationship with OW2 (he said many things about the one with OW1) was, a few years into the relationship that he "didn't give a f*** abour her". Yet, they are still together. ::)
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline KittyTopic starter

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #9 on: June 02, 2018, 04:33:46 PM »
Thanks Whyus, Serenity, Mitzpah, Thunder, R2T, seahorse, and FN.

And thanks Mitzpah for attaching my previous thread link. For whatever reason I was having trouble doing it on my iPad.

I’m a little upset with my friend for bringing it up, but I can kind of understand her reasoning. She wanted me to know before I talked to him. She said she doesn’t like how he is all nice and sweet with me, while having an affair. She said if he wants to D me, he should leave me the firetruck alone and focus on his new family instead of trying to do things for me and be friends.

I told her that I wasn’t thrilled about it either, but that this isn’t a normal separation/divorce/situation. I told her that I knew she didn’t understand that’s why I hadn’t talked about it much lately. I told her that this is about him, as much as I don’t like it, she is a symptom, and he needs to go through this.

She told me she didn’t like that I was sitting around waiting for him. I told her I wasn’t, but I don’t have a lot of friends to go out and do things with, and I’m wary of spending time with shared friends. But I do go out and do things and take care of myself just fine.

I guess I’m kind of not surprised. She has been looking for a house since shortly after she moved in with her man du jour. I must have looked a bit crazy at the airport, my emotions were all over the place.

I KNOW this is all about him and has absolutely nothing to do with me. But firetruck, it sucks. It makes me question if I really wasn’t that great to be with, and that he will be happy with her and her kids. Yes, I know the affair began with lies and deceit, but my self confidence wasn’t that great before the MLC train started rolling, it’s pretty much non existent right now.

Thankfully, I’ve gotten better at controlling myself. If this had been February when I had my meltdown there is no telling what I would have done. But now, I’ve processed it and am moving on. I’m not sure when I’ll hear from him again, but I will not be answering right away.

Will I still stand if he goes through with the D...I don’t think so. Thinking about it on the flight home I came to the conclusion that I was standing for my marriage because I made a promise through better or worse. To me, this counts as for worse. But if he goes through with it I’ll no longer be his wife and will no longer have to keep that promise.

Sorry, I’m getting a little long winded. Thank you again for your input.

Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline KittyTopic starter

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #10 on: June 02, 2018, 04:39:17 PM »
All he has ever said about his relationship with OW2 (he said many things about the one with OW1) was, a few years into the relationship that he "didn't give a f*** abour her". Yet, they are still together. ::)


Hi Anjae,

Grumpy has told me a couple times that things will never work between them because they are too different. I figured he was lying, it’s a good thing I didn’t believe him.

How do you know Mr. J was telling the truth? If he doesn’t give a firetruck about her, why stay?
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline Anjae

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #11 on: June 02, 2018, 05:11:22 PM »
Grumpy has told me a couple times that things will never work between them because they are too different. I figured he was lying, it’s a good thing I didn’t believe him.

They may not work. Not all crisis last very long and not all MLCers stay that long with OW.

How do you know Mr. J was telling the truth? If he doesn’t give a firetruck about her, why stay?

His tone of voice. I know when he is telling the truth, lying, happy, sad, angry, scared, etc. by his tone of voice (or by the tone of his e-mails). When he was around, also by his body language.

MLCers stay with people they don't stand for a number or reasons. They have blow it all up, and see no way back. Their crisis got worst/deeper. They made too many commitments with OW/OM (new house, marriage, whatever), dysfuncional relationship, emotional blackmail. RCR talks about it in the articles.

Probably, not even Mr. J knows why he stays with OW2. But, if not OW2, he is going to have to look for OW3. He is not cooked, I will not even consider take him back while he is the way he is/leading the life he leads, and he knows it. He is incapable of stay alone, just like many MLCers.

It is probably more practical to remain with OW2. For now, at least. He is not ready to start any necessary changes.

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline KittyTopic starter

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #12 on: June 02, 2018, 06:19:05 PM »
Hi Anjae,

There was a time when I could read Grumpy like that, but now not so much. Or, maybe it’s more that I just figure he is lying to me about anything he says now a days. I know we shouldn’t assume anything, but if I assume he is lying I won’t be quite as upset/shocked when I hear things that tell me different.

I have decided that if he goes through with his D, that I will be friendly if I ever see him after, but I will not even consider being his friend until I see signs that he is working on himself.
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline Insecurity_08

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #13 on: June 02, 2018, 11:04:51 PM »

I have decided that if he goes through with his D, that I will be friendly if I ever see him after, but I will not even consider being his friend until I see signs that he is working on himself.

I have the same. If he goes through with his D. and I ever see him somewhere by accident. I will be friendly. Hopefully he will be without OW because I don’t think I can be friendly to her. I will however not plan activities to do as friends. Or meet up with him when he asks, text him if he texts me.

If however at one time in his life wants to talk about what happened and shows he has grown. He will always be welcome. As for my stand, how I feel now is the same as you do. It will end at d. and I will start dating again. If he awakes and I’m still single we’ll see if it it is still in the cards for us!
Me: 33
H: 39
T: 9 M: almost 3
No kids, been trying to conceive for almost 3 years (with a one year break in between)
BD1: December 2017, OW sends inappropriate texts to H. H keeps this a secret until I discover it. Basically EA
March 2018: H claims having doubts about our R
BD2: April 2018: H wants a divorce and ILYBINILWY
A with OW, probably PA but no confirmation. OW is still married
H living at home, not filing for now (might happen in September)

Offline Broken hearted 1971

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #14 on: June 03, 2018, 07:10:04 AM »
Following. Those of you standing are so strong, i really couldn't imagine it. Reconciling is tough but standing, wow you guys are amazing!. Your in my thoughts.

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #15 on: June 03, 2018, 09:47:45 AM »
Following along Kitty

Offline KittyTopic starter

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #16 on: June 03, 2018, 12:23:19 PM »
Thanks Insecurity, Broken hearted, and Helpingme!

Today has been nice and quiet. I’m not sure when Grumpy is going to chime in, he is going to be disappointed when I don’t reply, or answer the phone right away. I’m not ready to talk to him yet, I need to get myself in a frame of mind where I will not mention I heard about his move.

I was reading an article on Acorn’s thread about fear being a cause of anger, and one of the fears was of not being worthy. To me right now that is a huge thing for me that I need to work on. The thing I was angriest about was the affair. Because I was scared he found someone better, that I am not good enough to stay with. For me that fear will probably be harder to overcome than anything else.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to help myself with this?
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline Broken hearted 1971

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #17 on: June 03, 2018, 01:25:32 PM »
Not sure i have advice other than most of us probably felt that way. This site has helped me tremendously. Educating me on mlc and realizing that mlc has nothing to do with you. Even when I knew that i struggled. It takes time to accept that part

Offline FearNot

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #18 on: June 03, 2018, 01:46:20 PM »
Hi Kitty,

Fear can stop us from a lot of things and I agree that fear can cause anger. We are afraid to do things, we talk ourselves out of it. We create our own frustration and it's a vicious cycle. The song I had on my second thread was "Fear is a liar". I think the lyrics speak strongly.

When he told you you're not good enough
When he told you you're not right
When he told you you're not strong enough
To put up a good fight
When he told you you're not worthy
When he told you you're not loved
When he told you you're not beautiful
That you'll never be enough
Fear, he is a liar
He will take your breath
Stop you in your steps
Fear he is a liar
He will rob your rest
Steal your happiness
Cast your fear in the fire
'Cause fear he is a liar

I think all of us can relate to our self confidence taking a beating. I was struggling with self confidence as well when H dropped the bomb. But it is imperative that we try to remember this has nothing to do with our self confidence or us really for that matter. Marriages and people take work, none of us are perfect, and them choosing to walk away does not reflect on us but on them. I think it's also their lack of self confidence. That they think they can't make us happy (and that's true). We each as individuals need to have that within us and bring it into the R. This is not your fault because you aren't good enough. You ARE GOOD, and kind, patient, empathetic. You are worthy! Please remember that! Big hugs!

M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline KittyTopic starter

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #19 on: June 03, 2018, 04:45:01 PM »
Thanks Broken hearted, and FearNot.

Those song lyrics are how I’ve felt the majority of my life. I know it has nothing to do with me, but my fear is riding me right now.

There was a discussion a while back about broken attracting broken. I’m not sure in what way Grumpy is broken, but I know how I am broken. Now comes the hard part, fixing what’s broke.
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline seahorse

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #20 on: June 03, 2018, 05:01:31 PM »
Kitty:  We’re all broken.  You’ve become so strong in the last many months.  I’ve seen it in you and in our conversations.  H is also broken.  He’s in a crisis, he’s depressed, he’s untrustworthy, he’s afraid.  I could go on.  He needs to work on himself.

You ARE more than good enough.  OW is an affair-down. Remember that.  MLCer needs to be with someone less than themselves to make themselves feel better. 

Love yourself.  You deserve it.  We love you!  ;)
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline KittyTopic starter

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #21 on: June 03, 2018, 07:28:31 PM »
Thank you seahorse.
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline seahorse

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #22 on: June 03, 2018, 07:32:33 PM »
Get some sleep and have a good night.
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #23 on: June 04, 2018, 06:16:10 AM »
In my case Kitty, since there are 2 small kids involved so I NEED to remain cordial and friendly with STBXW but I do NOT intend to be her "friend" after her D is done.......

It does bother us to get a bit to the Blindside from our "well-meaning friends."

But, the real question is it movement..... Yes, it is movement in a way, but farther into the tunnel, farther with his head into the ..... fog......

Let him get it over with but have NO expectations on either the time it takes or the outcome....
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #24 on: June 04, 2018, 06:40:34 AM »
Just wanted to offer my support Kitty.  Some friends, while trying to be supportive, just don't know how.  Unless they have been through something very similar, they can't possibly comprehend.

I have found this site to be wonderfully supportive and without the anger and bitterness that so many other places have.  We want to heal, we want our MLCers to heal.  It's a hard place to be, but I think we will ultimately be much better off for it.

Lots of love to you.
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Collaborative Divorce in process (to protect myself)
I don't think I'm standing, but who knows what the future brings.
Two Teenage boys
Me: 55
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline KittyTopic starter

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #25 on: June 04, 2018, 08:55:39 AM »
Thanks UM and FIMG.

I had not yet found this site when I confided in my friend, I understand what she is saying to me, and if this were a normal situation, I would be following her advice, but it's not. I haven't talked about the situation with her much since I found HS. Some of her advice is sound, like not letting him control me, but for the most part the rest doesn't seem applicable.

I will not be expecting anything of him. I haven't in a while now. If he follows through with D, I will be friendly, but that is about as much as he will get from me until I see proof that he is working on himself. Who knows, by then I may very well have closed the door on him.

Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #26 on: June 04, 2018, 03:44:00 PM »
Hi Kitty. As painful as it is, I actually think it is a good thing they move in together. More of an opportunity to see that things get right back to the “mundane” pretty darn quickly. The fantasy wears of quicker (for some) as the mask slips when lulled into a false sense of security. Yep it is painful as can be. But some cannot learn this lesson otherwise.

Your friend wants what is best for you. They all do. Think about it, how would you have counsellef someone in your circumstances, before you were here? Now that we know, we know. So we learn the lesson of not telling certain people everything. This is a process. MLC is a process. And unfortunately you are still in the beginning.

Sorry you had to hear this painful news. I got to hear it from OW herself how my H had been living with her and I was oblivious the whole time. Thankfully at the time I simply said, “ Well then. He’s all yours. Good luck with all that.” And hung up. Let them think they won. Truth is, they know the person they are with is a liar and a cheater. Only a matter of time before the short leash is attached.

You got this Kitty. But oh, my heart does ache for you bc I know how hard this is. Hugs friend.
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline KittyTopic starter

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #27 on: June 04, 2018, 09:02:31 PM »
Thanks KIT, hugs to you too.

It’s hard to say what I would have told my friend. But, if she had tried to explain MLC and how this is not a normal situation, I would take that into consideration when trying to offer advice. Both her and her H told me when I told them about Grumpy bringing up D that I should tell him if he wants a D fine, from now on his L can contact mine and I don’t want to hear from him until he is ready to win me back.

I’ve been monkey braining some the last couple days. It’s not as bad as it was in the beginning, but it’s there. The majority of it I’ve begun to recognize is my fear of failure, of not being worthy. I really need to work on that.

I know that the affair started with lies and deceit, I know she is an affair down, I know I’m the prize. But, I can’t help but think that maybe this was meant to happen, maybe he will be happier with her than he ever was with me, because I’m not worthy of being loved by someone. Maybe after spending lots of time with her kids he’ll realize he really does want a family.

Ugh, the cycling is getting to me big time. I swear I’m not this mopey most of the time. But, I figure giving voice to my fear will maybe help me release it somehow, and that in turn will help my anger...hopefully.

It doesn’t help that yesterday was the 6 month anniversary of Grumpy telling me he wanted a separation, which happened to be the day after we got back from vacation in Florida, at my aunt and uncle’s.

I’m glad I didn’t hear it from OW, especially if it had been soon after BD, or the move. Who knows what I would have done. For the first month or so after I found out about the affair I wanted to contact her and ask how she could be having an affair with my husband when she was supposed to be my friend. Thankfully that urge passed and has not shown up again. I know to do something like that would make her day because of the new drama in her life.

I just need to take care of me and fake it ‘til I make it.
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline Whyus

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #28 on: June 04, 2018, 10:14:42 PM »
Kitty. im so sorry that this is Happening. I hope that you make it asap because faking it is just draining.
Chin up beaut, your not a failure and your more than worthy.

I dont see much of W, just once in the last 6 months but its still being rubbed under my nose. I know too many People who Train at the same Gym as W and OM. Nobody talks about them to me (thankfully) but I monkey brain about what they might be seeing and if W really is in love with this nerd. She sure thinks she is!!!!

Nevermind, thats why I had to just get out of the way and leave them to it. Sadly for W this ship has sailed.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 44
W: 44
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28. Trainings partner. Still together
2 Sons - 18 & 19
2 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Filed
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0
T10. http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9547.0

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #29 on: June 05, 2018, 07:00:27 AM »
Hang in there Kitty.
You will cycle back to a good place. I would love to say the monkey braining stops, but I can't. I will say it's gets easier to get back to the happy place though. The bad cycles get shorter. You will get stronger and stronger.
There is no love there Kitty, you will see it, for the worthless crap that it is. And the skank,  she isn't worth one second of your daily thinking.
Get back up and keep going Kitty.

Offline KittyTopic starter

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #30 on: June 05, 2018, 07:27:32 AM »
Thanks Whyus and Helpingme!

Whyus - I have pretty much detached from his family and our shared friends because I don't want to hear about it if he brings her around. I unfriended him and our shared friends on Fakebook for the same reason. Actually I was kind of surprised that his one friend D did not attend the party where it was told they would be moving in together because he didn't want to be in the middle, and he doesn't like what Grumpy is doing. I do not talk to them about what is going on, and I told them that I did not expect, nor did I want them to choose sides.

Helpingme! - I am actually starting to feel much better today, I'll take a 3 day down cycle to the week or two down cycles I was having. The whole situation, not just her is not worth one second of my thinking. It's his deal, and has nothing to do with me. I have done everything I can to keep out of his way and leave him alone.

He contacted me for the first time since 5/24 today. Apparently his Dr. wants to double his medication and wants him admitted for a 2 day sleep and anxiety study.

I don't know what the scale is, but he told me that when he had his anxiety screening last week it was a 17, I guess high numbers are bad. He can't blame that on me because I haven't been around. Sorry you feel that way Grumpy.

He did ask how my vacation was and told me he would have called me sooner, but couldn't remember if I got home on Saturday or Sunday. ::) And he also says that he wishes he could have gone with and wants to go down again to visit my family. I almost said, "Yeah, I'm sure OW would love it if you came to Florida with me." But I kept my mouth shut.

Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #31 on: June 05, 2018, 12:20:26 PM »
Caught up and attaching Kitty.  I'm sorry that you received this news after coming back from vacation.  Sending you some (((HUGS)))
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10203.msg671589#msg671589

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline KittyTopic starter

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #32 on: June 05, 2018, 12:44:56 PM »
Thanks FaithWalker, hugs to you too!

At least my friend waited to tell me. She said that she wanted to tell me when she found out earlier in the week, but didn't. Although I think I would have preferred if she hadn't said anything at all.

I think some people forget that I wasn't born yesterday, and while it may take me a little time, I'm quite capable of figuring things out. I had a feeling this was going to happen, which is why I think it only took me a few days to get over this new development, as painful as it was to hear.

My BIL is moving in up the road from IL's. The house was a dump so he had been working on renovating it since September 2016. He stopped working on the house mid October 2017 because of money shortage, but at least it was almost finished. Fast forward to March 2018 when Grumpy is telling me that he took out a debt consolidation loan to, and I quote, "Pay dad the money I owe him for the garage in one lump sum, because he and BIL are going to buy a house to renovate and flip."

Why would BIL buy a house to flip, even if he is sharing the cost with FIL when he had to stop working on his home because of shortage of funds?

I may be ASSuming, or jumping to conclusions, maybe they really are going to buy a house to renovate and flip. BIL did get a huge promotion at work this past winter.

Whatever...it's not for me to worry about. What I do need to worry about is the meeting with my new trainer at the gym tonight. Hopefully I'll like her as much as I did the last one.

Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline Acorn

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #33 on: June 05, 2018, 01:46:06 PM »
Love, love the GIF!

Quote from Kitty: “I kept my mouth shut.”  Good for you!  👏👏👏👏👏👏👏
You reminded me of the old saying, ‘Three things you cannot recover in life: the word, moment and time.’
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline KittyTopic starter

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #34 on: June 05, 2018, 02:06:10 PM »
It was tough, but I'm getting better at keeping my mouth shut.

Like a few weeks ago when Grumpy said he still isn't into tattoos, and I was able to stop myself from asking if he pretends OW doesn't have one.

Practice makes perfect I guess.
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline Acorn

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #35 on: June 05, 2018, 02:18:47 PM »
Practice makes perfect I guess.

I think so.  It took me long enough  ::) to learn to operate my zip with some proficiency.  You have no idea how much trouble I saved myself from by just zipping.  I sometimes shudder when I think about the kind of things I wanted to say so desperately.  I’m so thankful the gate keeper of my mouth was not asleep.  Phew!
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline KittyTopic starter

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #36 on: June 05, 2018, 05:48:08 PM »
You have no idea how much trouble I saved myself from by just zipping.  I sometimes shudder when I think about the kind of things I wanted to say so desperately.  I’m so thankful the gate keeper of my mouth was not asleep.  Phew!

I may have an idea. I was never one to zip my lips, this has been a learning experience. Especially when he whines about doctor visits and medication and his high anxiety and BP like he did today. I just want to shake him and say, "Listen dumbass, as soon as you stop running from what ever it is that has your panties in a knot and face it you won't feel like this anymore." It's nice not to have to deal with mean Monster, Charming Monster is bad enough.

I surprisingly don't get the urge to say things about OW very often. And when I do it's things like asking about her tattoo. For the most part I've written her off as a part of this mess that he needs to sort out himself. I wanted to in the beginning, I wanted to tell him the things I had heard about her, and the observations I was able to make after stepping back from the situation and away from her drama.

Plus Grumpy is one to be stubborn when he feels like he's being hounded about something. I think that is a lot of the reason why we didn't have kids, he got angry when his family or mine asked when we were going to have kids, or they would make comments about how we would make great parents because we were so good with our nieces and nephews. He felt like he was being pushed and he fought it. FIL says that is the reason why he stopped trying to tell Grumpy what he was doing is wrong. It just goes in one ear and out the other.
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline KittyTopic starter

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #37 on: June 06, 2018, 09:46:07 AM »
So I'm definitely liking my new trainer...even if going down the stairs this morning was slightly painful. I wanted to do more strength training than the warm up type circuits the other trainer had me doing. She wore me out, but it feels fantastic.

I got a text at 9:30 last night from Grumpy wanting to know if I was still awake. I was, but I wasn't in any mood for the conversation I knew he wanted to have. So, I ignored it. As I was about to leave for work this morning, I sent him a text saying Sorry. Crashed early. He replied with, That's okay, I kind of did too. We can chat later. I just sent him the thumbs up emoji. I have a feeling he is going to wait until 9:30 - 10 pm tonight to text me again. I think if it's another You still awake? I might ignore it again.

I sat here this morning contemplating sending him this message:

Grumpy,
 I know you are moving in with OW even though you told me there is nothing there. You say that you don't want to burn the bridge between us, but your lying is not helping you. Don't bother calling me tonight, I know what you are going to say. You want to finalize things between us. I told you in March that I don't want a divorce, but if that is what you think you need then I will not stop you, but I will not help you get it done either. This is your choice so you will be the one doing all the work.

A part of me will always love you, and I believe one day that you will get yourself through this extremely hard time in your life. I wish you well in the future. But for now, I think I would prefer it if you would leave me alone.

Kitty.

I won't send it, as it will probably fuel his energy towards D.  But it helps to get it out. I'll just keep as Dim or Dark as I can. Again, it's pretty easy since we don't have much between us.
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline Mitzpah

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  • How I long for your precepts! Psalm 119:40
Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #38 on: June 06, 2018, 10:05:01 AM »


I sat here this morning contemplating sending him this message:

Grumpy,
 I know you are moving in with OW even though you told me there is nothing there. You say that you don't want to burn the bridge between us, but your lying is not helping you. Don't bother calling me tonight, I know what you are going to say. You want to finalize things between us. I told you in March that I don't want a divorce, but if that is what you think you need then I will not stop you, but I will not help you get it done either. This is your choice so you will be the one doing all the work.

A part of me will always love you, and I believe one day that you will get yourself through this extremely hard time in your life. I wish you well in the future. But for now, I think I would prefer it if you would leave me alone.

Kitty.

I won't send it, as it will probably fuel his energy towards D.  But it helps to get it out. I'll just keep as Dim or Dark as I can. Again, it's pretty easy since we don't have much between us.

I think it is better not to assume...

You have already told him what you think.

Remember, things in a MLCer's life are very volatile.

So, as long as you are protected, dont bother to introduce the subject.
M 56
H 56
S 26
S 24
D 23
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline KittyTopic starter

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #39 on: June 06, 2018, 10:16:58 AM »
Thanks Mitzpah.

I won't send it. I guess I just needed to get it out. I think it's me trying to react from the news of them moving in together, but I've gotten better at responding instead of reacting. A few months ago I would have let it fly, now not so much.

Yes, I am protected, before his head went into his...fog...we signed a legal separation so that any outrageous spending he does will not affect me. We have no kids and no assets since we lived with his parents.

I'll continue with Dim/Dark and get on with being me.
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline FearNot

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #40 on: June 06, 2018, 01:49:20 PM »
Hey Kitty!

Good to hear you like your new trainer! I'm sure you will find that it is a great release as well! Self care is probably one of the most difficult things to do.

I think you have made a wise choice not to send the message. I know how difficult it is, not to address the situation or acknowledge it any way, shape or form, but the less attention you give the OW , the less power she has to affect you. It is unbelievably hurtful to hear that news and not  "react" so good on you, it shows how far you have come and what strength you have and you are strong and worthwhile! I use to spend a lot of time having imaginary conversations in my head with H, the OW, his parents... saying exactly what I thought of their actions etc. Those have gotten less and less, the more that I have learned to "respond" vs. "react" and realize in the end it won't change much and it is wasted energy on my part. Not that it does't occasionally cross my mind, but I am able to stop myself and move on to something else and if all else fails, into the journal it goes. In the beginning my punching bag really got it as well. Either way, whether you journal it, put it on HS, yell it in your car, whatever, release it, let go  and move on to what you need for you! Big Hugs!!
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline KittyTopic starter

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #41 on: June 06, 2018, 02:31:16 PM »
Thanks FearNot.

That's exactly what I did. I knew it was me trying to react, so got it out of my system before Grumpy contacted me again. He says we'll chat later, but who knows when later will be? Best to "say" what I want to say while he isn't around to hear it.  ;D

Yes, the new trainer is awesome. I'm hoping that by my next trip to Florida I'm down another dress size or two. My main goal is to feel comfortable in a bathing suit on a cruise, which I will hopefully be going on in May 2019.
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline KittyTopic starter

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #42 on: June 06, 2018, 06:56:53 PM »
So Grumpy did actually call me tonight. He called at 7:30 so I couldn’t ignore the call and tell him that I crashed early.

We talked for ten minutes, he was telling me that his company was awarded a job that he would be helping to manage for the next 3 years. He said he should be excited about it, but he isn’t. He told me about how he and MIL went and got a couple more strawberry and basil plants for the house. He told me again I’m welcome to come get stuff when it’s ready.

He talked about he is worried about his high anxiety. He then asked how I was, asked if I had been to the gym and if I had been getting any OT in. I answered but was vague with my responses when I use to not be.

At 10 minutes, I told him I had to go because I needed to get my meal prep done for the next few days, which was true.

I let him lead the talking, and I kept my mouth shut, gave vague answers and didn’t try to find things to talk about to keep him on the phone.

So, no mention of D from him, and I managed to not say anything about what I heard on Saturday. I’ve decided that me confronting him about it will change nothing, so I just won’t bring it up.
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #43 on: June 06, 2018, 09:32:45 PM »
Hmmmmmm. Sure doesn’t sound like a man who wants a D. I mean, if you want a D, presumably you want to be away from your spouse right? Not conversation and/or checking in about one’s day. I guess if there were ever any doubt this was MLC, that doubt should be gone by now. Craaaaaaazy.
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline Whyus

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #44 on: June 06, 2018, 11:04:32 PM »
So Grumpy did actually call me tonight. He called at 7:30 so I couldn’t ignore the call and tell him that I crashed early.
You could of ignored it if you wanted too Kitty but you wanted to take the call. Its all good, this $h!te isnt easy but you really dont have to answer. He is still lying to you (or atleast not being open with you).

He talked about he is worried about his high anxiety.
Bless him, poor Grumpy

I let him lead the talking, and I kept my mouth shut, gave vague answers and didn’t try to find things to talk about to keep him on the phone.
Perfect Kitty

So, no mention of D from him, and I managed to not say anything about what I heard on Saturday. I’ve decided that me confronting him about it will change nothing, so I just won’t bring it up.
Good decision, lets see if he has the balls to tell you before he moves in (a respectful Person would do this). If you hear it through the Grapevine then he is burning his bridges right there.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 44
W: 44
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28. Trainings partner. Still together
2 Sons - 18 & 19
2 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Filed
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0
T10. http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9547.0

Offline KittyTopic starter

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #45 on: June 07, 2018, 04:38:32 AM »
Hmmmmmm. Sure doesn’t sound like a man who wants a D. I mean, if you want a D, presumably you want to be away from your spouse right? Not conversation and/or checking in about one’s day. I guess if there were ever any doubt this was MLC, that doubt should be gone by now. Craaaaaaazy.

Exactly KIT, it’s about a 12 minute drive to his L’s office. He could easily call, or stop in before work and have his L file. I’m not going to let talk of it bother me anymore, until paperwork is in front of me I am just going to keep giving the standard answer when he brings it up.

So Grumpy did actually call me tonight. He called at 7:30 so I couldn’t ignore the call and tell him that I crashed early.
You could of ignored it if you wanted too Kitty but you wanted to take the call. Its all good, this $h!te isnt easy but you really dont have to answer. He is still lying to you (or atleast not being open with you).

He talked about he is worried about his high anxiety.
Bless him, poor Grumpy

I let him lead the talking, and I kept my mouth shut, gave vague answers and didn’t try to find things to talk about to keep him on the phone.
Perfect Kitty

So, no mention of D from him, and I managed to not say anything about what I heard on Saturday. I’ve decided that me confronting him about it will change nothing, so I just won’t bring it up.
Good decision, lets see if he has the balls to tell you before he moves in (a respectful Person would do this). If you hear it through the Grapevine then he is burning his bridges right there.

Yes, I probably could have ignored the call, but I didn’t. I figure if he was calling to tell me he wants D, that I would take the call and get it over with and get on with my night.

I do kind of feel bad for him, he is a miserable man right now, but it’s his own actions that caused him to be like this so he is going to have to get himself out.

I don’t think he will tell me he’s moving. My mom always told me to believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see (sound familiar?) so until there comes a time that I go to the house and he’s not there I’m going to take what was told through the grapevine with a grain of salt, even if my friend did hear it from a reliable source. Right now I’m a little more emotional than normal, PMS (sorry about TMI) and the fact that Sunday is our 12 year anniversary has got me jittery this month.
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline Thunder

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #46 on: June 07, 2018, 05:46:37 AM »
These MLCer's are strange creatures, aren't they?

He sure is not acting like a man wanting D, but keep your guard up. 
Friendly and light, but no expectations!   :)
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline KittyTopic starter

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #47 on: June 07, 2018, 06:13:03 AM »
Very strange indeed Thunder.

I learned after the first couple months when he was stage 5 clinging not to have expectations. I think that was why my meltdown in February was so spectacular, he was telling me what I wanted to hear, I was eating it up, expecting things to happen, then realized it wasn't going to happen. So I initiated NC for 2 weeks to get myself under control. Otherwise I probably would have done something incredibly stupid.

My guard is up, and as sad as it is to say I think it's going to be a long time until it's not up 24/7.
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline Thunder

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #48 on: June 07, 2018, 06:30:08 AM »
Well he's certainly not making it easy.   :(
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline KittyTopic starter

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #49 on: June 07, 2018, 07:17:35 AM »
No, he's not making it easy, but really do any MLCers make it easy?

I'm sure there are other LBS's whose MLCer spent the majority of their crisis saying they were going to D their spouse. I don't know how much influence OW has over the situation, but from what I heard she's a pro homewrecker. FIL told me about a man who came to him and told him that he got involved with OW, divorced his wife, and within a year OW had left him. Actually it's kind of funny the number of people that have approached IL's to tell them about OW.

Again, I'm one to take things I hear with a grain of salt, but when you hear multiple stories revolving around a central theme, there tends to be some truth to it.

But it's not my concern, it's Grumpy's problem to deal with if it turns out the same with him.

What I'm thinking about now, is that I seriously need to warm up and stretch before my workout with the trainer tonight. I didn't have time to do it Tuesday, and stairs and chairs have not been my friend.  ;D
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline KittyTopic starter

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #50 on: June 10, 2018, 05:22:05 AM »
Journaling

12 years ago today Grumpy and I were married. I thought that today would not be a good day, but so far it’s been good. Granted I’ve only been up for an hour, and my mood can change, but I don’t think it will.

I’ve been doing a lot of reading of the articles and blog posts here and on HB’s site, and it’s helped me reaffirm my knowledge that this isn’t about me, I could have been perfect and Grumpy still would have had his MLC.

I know I’ve made mistakes, I know there are some things I could have done different, but we can’t change the past. I could blame Grumpy for missing out on having a family, but it was my choice to stay with him knowing that he did not want kids. I could have tried harder to be involved in helping him with paying the bills, and doing things for myself, but he wanted control, so I let him have it.

In the last couple years I could have been more attentive towards him, when I felt him pulling away I could have tried harder to find out what was troubling him. But when he told me he was fine I backed off, because we both lacked the knowledge of dealing with what he was starting to go through. Plus I was going through a bout of depression myself, and just couldn’t muster up the energy to deal with it if I wanted to.

I did what ever I could to make things easy for him, even if it wasn’t the right thing to be doing. I didn’t want him upset with me, that is one of my issues and always has been. I may not care what strangers think of me, but for some reason I will bend over backwards to make sure that my friends and family don’t get upset with me. Which is something I started doing in high school after a friend of mine stopped talking to me after I gave her my opinion on something. Add to that my feelings that I’m not worth being loved, or liked even, and I guess that’s how one ends up being a people pleaser.

Maybe one day Grumpy and I will talk, as in have a real discussion and not an MLC talk, and I can own up to my mistakes. But he won’t be ready for that talk for a while yet.

For now I will continue to leave him alone to go through his crisis, and take care of myself.

I hope everyone has a good day.
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Online RedStar

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #51 on: June 10, 2018, 06:23:08 AM »
That is a heartfelt letter, Kitty.

So many of the things you said here I can relate to. This in particular:

In the last couple years I could have been more attentive towards him, when I felt him pulling away I could have tried harder to find out what was troubling him. But when he told me he was fine I backed off, because we both lacked the knowledge of dealing with what he was starting to go through.

I was able to tell my O recently that when he had these times, I realized I had taken them personally and that now I knew not to. I have no idea if it made any difference inside him. He seems to be able to absorb the things I say about owning my part, but since his replay phase began like only 4 months ago, he's going to barrel down his path for a while regardless.

Oh, the similarities in all our stories...

All best wishes to you!

Offline KittyTopic starter

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #52 on: June 10, 2018, 07:54:59 AM »
I just got a message from OW...I thought I had her blocked, but it seems not.

She sent a message saying, “Don’t sign the papers...he’ll be crawling back to you begging for forgiveness sooner than later. Just a heads up!”

Seriously!?! What is the firetrucking deal here?
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline Thunder

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #53 on: June 10, 2018, 07:58:25 AM »
What???   :o

The OW messaged you that??  Oh brother.
What kind of game is she playing here?

I hope you didn't answer her and do not trust anything she says.  :(
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline DianaDeBelflor

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #54 on: June 10, 2018, 08:27:18 AM »
UM... WHAT THE ACTUAL F*CK!?  :o

Why in God's name does this woman think she has the right to contact you, Kitty!? And in such a manner!? This is so inappropriate!

And I'm with Thunder: what kind of game is this!?

Does she think that she's some saint who showed your hubby "the error of his ways" and sent him back packing to his wife? Or is she like returning him to you the way you would a Tupperware container? Or is this an attempt to make it look to everyone, especially your hubby, that you're still clinging on to him for dear life?

I wouldn't reply. Block, block, block!

Offline KittyTopic starter

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #55 on: June 10, 2018, 08:36:23 AM »
Hi Thunder, and Diana

I have no idea what her game is. I haven’t heard a peep out of her since December 22.

Whatever the case, I will not reply, and if Grumpy brings up D he will get the same answer I’ve been giving him.

I thought about showing him that message for about 2 seconds, but then I just deleted it.
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline DianaDeBelflor

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #56 on: June 10, 2018, 09:03:05 AM »
I thought about showing him that message for about 2 seconds, but then I just deleted it.
Good plan. Out of sight--out of mind.

As a side note, if you ever need it, there is software that can upload all your text history to your Gmail SMS folder, and that's including the texts you have deleted. =3 (If you use an Apple product rather than Android, I'm sure there's something similar.)

Offline Thunder

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #57 on: June 10, 2018, 09:05:50 AM »
Well, I wouldn't have deleted it yet, but I wouldn't have shown it to him either.

Unreal
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #58 on: June 10, 2018, 09:10:01 AM »
Or you could have asked him if he knew why she was contacting you telling you not to sign the papers.  What papers is she referring to, H?   ;D

I'm not really serious but it would tell him his ow isn't exactly excited about him getting a divorce.   ;)
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #59 on: June 10, 2018, 09:18:06 AM »
First off.... Thanks DianaDbF! I thought for a minute I'd said something really stupid.....

Seriously Kitty, one has to wonder why OW would send something like that to you and why she'd think you'd want Grumpy back. That's one of those occasions where I'd have been SO tempted to fire back "Oh, no worries, he's all yours!" and then watch her panic. She's just like my STBXW's former OM.... They come and they go after they get what they want (double entendre intended) but they are in no way interested in an R with our Mid-Lifer.....
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline FearNot

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #60 on: June 10, 2018, 09:20:26 AM »
I can totally relate to your earlier post Kitty. It's tough when we realize what we should/could have done, but that is part of our process. Learn and better ourselves from it, and one day we may be able to have a conversation with them about it when they are fully cooked.

As for the OW messaging you... What the what? That's unreal. Good for you for not feeding into the drama and continuing to make sound choices.

I hope you continue to have a good day. Big Hugs!
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline KittyTopic starter

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #61 on: June 10, 2018, 09:31:10 AM »
The best is yet to come...

I probably shouldn’t have, but I sent a message to FIL asking if he wanted to see something funny. When he said sure, I sent him a screenshot I took of the message. So it’s not completely gone Thunder. He immediately replied back with, call me.

According to FIL, Grumpy and OW went out to dinner last night, he told FIL that he was a little upset because she was texting the whole night. When they got to the house, she said she had a family emergency and had to leave.

According to FIL, he had been telling Grumpy for weeks that something wasn’t right. She had been hot and heavy on him the first couple of months, then she had been progressively distancing herself.

I’ll get back later. Things are happening.
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline Thunder

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #62 on: June 10, 2018, 09:43:59 AM »
Ah, now it's starting to make some sense. 
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline DianaDeBelflor

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #63 on: June 10, 2018, 10:11:21 AM »

Offline KittyTopic starter

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #64 on: June 10, 2018, 02:35:19 PM »


We're gonna need lots of popcorn.

So my story left off with FIL telling Grumpy that things were fishy with OW, she had been distancing herself, and she was pretty much glued to her phone last night when they went out.

At about 10 last night Grumpy drove by her mother's house where she is currently living. She was not there. He drove by the house of the man she was living with, neither vehicle was there, but he did find both of their vehicles at a bar up the road. He texted her and said they were done.

At about midnight he had his dad help him to load up some of the stuff that he was keeping in the garage for her as there was no room at her mother's they then unloaded everything in her mother's front yard.

So literally 30 seconds after I got off the phone with FIL I get a call from Grumpy. I didn't answer it. 15 minutes after that he sent me a text that said, "I would like to chat with you at some point...You should at least hear the whole story then decide what you would like to do. I understand if you don't want to anytime soon."

And he's right, I wasn't ready, so I ignored it. I also ignored the second call 15 minutes after that message was sent.

About 5 minutes after that call I got a call from his mom. I actually had my finger on the disconnect button in case it was Grumpy calling on her phone. She asked that I please, for her answer the next time Grumpy calls me. She said that he really wants to talk, she said that Grumpy had finally gotten rid of OW and really wanted to talk to me about how we can work on things between us.

So the next time Grumpy called I answered the phone. He asked if we could meet, or if I would be willing to allow him into my apartment. I told him he could come to me if he wanted to talk.

So once he got here, he got right to the point. The gist of the conversation is that, things had been going south between him and the OW, they had been spending more time fighting than anything else. He said that lately he had been feeling a pull towards me, especially after he saw I had put my wedding band back on, and that he knew that things needed to end between them so that he could do what he knew he needed to do which was to get back to working on us.

He said that he feels clear headed for the first time in a long time. That now that he had gotten rid of OW and her baggage that he feels 10 times better than he did yesterday.

He said he's always known he would come back to me.

He apologized for, and I quote, "Being a total and complete $h!tehead." He said that he's changed enough to realize that the perceived problems he had with me/us could very well have been handled by talking like normal adults in a marriage.

During the whole conversation I stayed calm and let him do most of the talking. I only agreed when he said that he still had things he needed to work on with himself. He said that we could go to joint counseling if I wanted, and that he was ready to meet any condition I had. He even said he would call his L to see what we would have to do to dissolve the separation agreement. I never brought any of this up, it was all him.

He said he wanted to work on us, that he knows that we can fix what was broken. I agreed to try, but I will not be moving back in right away. We are going to take our time, starting by seeing each other once or twice a week. I listened to the words, now I will be looking for consistent actions. It's only been 7-1/2 months since BD, so I know this could be an early return. Although would it still be called that if I was the one that moved out?

I'm not sure what to make of this actually. Even though I agreed to try, I'm not giddy and happy like I thought I would be. It seems strange that last night he was dumping OW's $h!te off at her mother's, and today he is telling me he wants to work on us. It makes me wonder if he is just saying that until OW comes sniffing around again, or he has major OW withdrawls and starts contacting her again.

I'll keep everyone posted.




Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline DianaDeBelflor

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #65 on: June 10, 2018, 02:45:10 PM »
First, congratulations! But...

So... Tupperware situation, then.

Here's why you're not giddy: he did not throw the OW out because he realized that you're the love of his life. Rather, the OW went back to her boyfriend and he went back to you.

Unless he's ready to return because he loves you (as opposed to loving not being alone), he'll either go back to her (if she's available) or find OW#2.

If the separation agreement is drafted in your favor, I'd strongly advise you against dissolving it. You two can go to marriage counseling and do other relationship-recovery/building work while the separation agreement remains in effect.

Offline One day at a time

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #66 on: June 10, 2018, 03:29:11 PM »
Wow Kitty.. A lot has happened today! It all sounds very positive but I think he now needs to make sure actions follow his words. Seeing each other just one or twice a week is a smart move. He seems to be moving too fast and this might be a bit premature for a true reconnection.. but all stories are different so you'll have to wait and see. I agree with Diana, I would leave the separation agreement as is until you feel he's really trying.. otherwise you might have to do it all again in a few months.. I really hope this works for you though!

Offline Thunder

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #67 on: June 10, 2018, 03:44:19 PM »
Kitty, I'm sorry but I agree with the others.

He was mad at ow for being at the bar with the guy she lived with, called and said he was done.  Moved all her stuff out of his garage.  Now he wants to work things out with you all of a sudden.

Sweetie I see so many red flags here.  I don't see it as sincere.  Not YET anyway.

I would definitely keep the separation agreement in place for now.
Things happened too fast and he's not ready to work on anything right now.  If he were he would have broke it off with her first, not because she's cheating in him.   He could be doing it to make her jealous.  See I have someone else too...kind of thing.

Just think long and hard about this, Kitty.  I don't want to sound negative, just being honest with you.  It's way too early for him to come out of his crisis.
Give it lots of time and let him show you by in his actions he is really remorseful.

You have plenty of time to make a decision.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline FearNot

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #68 on: June 10, 2018, 06:02:43 PM »
Kitty,

We are in very similar time frames so I don't have any experience to rely on as to whether he is ready or not, but I would tend to agree with the others. Hopefully his actions match his words. You are smart, strong and worthwhile and I know you will handle this with the grace that you have already shown so many times. Take your time, no need to rush decisions and it sounds like you are doing just that by setting some boundaries!  :)You are in my thoughts and prayers. Big Hugs!! Rooting for you as well!
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline KittyTopic starter

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #69 on: June 10, 2018, 06:31:36 PM »
Thank you Diana, One day, Thunder and FearNot.

I think that is what kept me from being giddy. I saw the red flags too. He may not remember things very well right now, but I do. I remember that on 5/24 he told me that he still wants to finalize things with us.

I don’t know if it was because they had been fighting all the time or because she was lying and cheating on him (I managed to stop myself from saying, “It doesn’t feel very nice, does it?”). But I believe it’s too soon.

I agreed to meet once or twice a week since the OW is out of the picture for now, but I will be cautious. I’ll keep things light and breezy, and there will be no more R talks. I’ll give myself a gold star because I still have not initiated R talks.

I also won’t be doing anything to dissolve the separation agreement. If he even asks about it.

I am going to keep doing what I’ve been doing since I moved out, which is take care of me. I’m still not going to initiate contact. I’ll follow his lead when we talk or are together.

No expectations.
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline Thunder

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #70 on: June 10, 2018, 08:00:59 PM »
Good girl, Kitty.

You got this.   :)
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #71 on: June 11, 2018, 03:33:01 AM »
He's going to have to walk the walk and not just talk the talk.

I have to agree with the others to keep yourself protected with the SA until he PROVES that he is serious... and that he's done what he did to poke his finger in OW's eye.... I'm thinking the text from OW was her way of greasing the skids to get him (Grumpy)_ gone so she could go back to her BF or whatever he is... Grumpy thought he was getting a new deal when what he got was someone who played him...

The wheels on the Karma bus DO turn and it looks like you got to witness a drive-by. Now lets see if he follows through or if he goes on to OW2...
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline KittyTopic starter

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #72 on: June 11, 2018, 04:30:41 AM »
Hi Thunder and UM.

UM - According to the many people who have talked with the IL’s and who tried to talk to me, and even Grumpy, this is what she does. She does not stay with one man very long, usually long enough to start drama with her XBF (baby daddy) then she leaves.

I will keep myself protected with the SA, I’m pretty sure that he won’t be contacting his L about it anytime soon.

I will be watching for actions instead of listening to words.

I don’t think there will be an OW2. He is a bit of a wallower, and I think the only reason there was an OW in the first place is because she was already there trying to put the moves on his brother. I won’t completely discount that possibility though.

Too bad I’m doing another 24 day challenge, popcorn would be good to have for the show. ;D
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #73 on: June 11, 2018, 04:33:45 AM »
I agree with everyone else Kitty. Actions, and alot of them. He can keep his little weak words.
Kitty , I would meet once a week, not twice. Or maybe once every other week.
If there is one thing from this Kitty, he answerred alot of your questions.  Who did he come too???? YOU!!! So alot of the questions you had on how he felt about you, he just answered them.
Now, stay on your game. DO NOT fall for this, all of a sudden change. It's not real. I'm not saying he diesnt want to come back, I'm just saying it's going to be awhile.  That's best thing to do is stay as you are. Keep doing Kitty's thing. Let him come to you. As you already said, no R talks by you. If he talks, listen.  Dont ask questions.
And the big one. Your emotions are fixing to run wild Kitty.
No Expectations.  Just enjoy the good .
Hang in there Kitty.

Offline KittyTopic starter

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #74 on: June 11, 2018, 05:39:04 AM »
Thank you Helping. Grumpy is the one who suggested twice a week. I'm not expecting that, I'll wait to see what he does.

He did answer questions for me, and he admitted that he had been lying to me, which I told him I knew.

I'm not going to change anything about what I'm doing. He asked last night if I would contact the owners of the apartment complex I'm living in and see if there is a way for me to get out of my lease early...I think I'm going to be too busy to remember to do that. ;)

I'm going to need to see a lot more than what I have so far to give up my place. If he thinks I'm going to just jump in again he's crazy.

I will take what good will come of this, and be prepared for when his head goes back up his...fog. (Love that phrasing UM!)
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline Thunder

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #75 on: June 11, 2018, 05:49:32 AM »
Kitty, there's nothing wrong with having hope but being cautious.

You could just tell him you need time before you put in your notice, as this was all very sudden.

He should understand that and be patient.   :)
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline KittyTopic starter

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #76 on: June 11, 2018, 06:49:01 AM »
Hi Thunder,
 He seems to understand that I am hesitant about some things. I came right out and told him yesterday that I am wary, because he seemed certain almost three weeks ago that he wanted to finalize things. Now suddenly, he wants to work on us.

He said he understood, but that he had been thinking of contacting me for a couple weeks to have this talk, but wasn't sure if I would be agreeable.

He said that even though he had heard stories from other people that told him the R with OW would fail, he wanted it to fail because it wouldn't work, not because someone told him it would fail. :o

I think I will just tell him the truth instead of making up a story about forgetting. I don't think he'll have a problem with it, he said he wanted to take things slow with no expectations, he said he will do what I'm comfortable with. When he brought up dissolving the SA he asked, "If that's okay with you?" But he only said he would see what needed to be done, not that he would do it.
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline sampsed

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #77 on: June 11, 2018, 11:10:58 PM »
Here....
I choose to feel blessed.”
I choose to feel grateful.
I choose to be excited.
I choose to be thankful.
I choose to be HAPPY.”

https://affaircare.com/the-180/

No matter what....find a positive...no matter how small it is there is always a positive.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out same day to be with OW (EA become PA approx. 2 mos prior)
BY 1966
H BY 1966
Married 32.5 years
Together 35 years
D - 1989 Married with 2 children, living locally
S -  1991 Professional School living across Country  - Still relies on us for support
3 Dogs - 1 was his baby that he left behind
Standing
No legal action yet
3/5/18 OW moved to another State  H moved in with F  
3/19/18  H moved home and is living in spare room  Reason:  Wasn't happy living with F and had an urge to want to be Home.  OW moved out of State.

Offline KittyTopic starter

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #78 on: June 12, 2018, 04:12:31 AM »
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline KittyTopic starter

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #79 on: June 12, 2018, 10:55:05 AM »
So I had lunch with Grumpy today. As we were talking he was telling me that he wants to take things slow between us. He says he knows that we have both changed, and that jumping back in to where we were would not be a good idea. Which is fine with me. He said that he still has meltdowns and he hopes that I don't see him have one when I come over this weekend.

Sunday he had mentioned me coming over this Saturday after work and then possibly spending the night Saturday night. I told him that I would have to see how I felt about things come Saturday. He said, no problem, the option is there if you want it. I thought that as the week went on that he would eventually flounder and change his mind like he has done before, but as we ate lunch he mentioned it again.

He knows he still needs to work on himself. He told me that he needs to keep seeing his IC. He says he still doesn't know about some things.

So that tells me that this is most likely going to be a temporary thing. But that's okay, I had a feeling it was too soon.

When we met today I did as I have been doing since March. I let him lead any conversations we had, I didn't mention R, or M, and I let him initiate contact. I'll just keep working on me and let him watch and wonder why I'm doing so well.
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline Thunder

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #80 on: June 12, 2018, 11:13:33 AM »
Kitty, a least he is being some what honest.  He sees he is not ready yet so to keep seeing his ic is a good idea.

Good for you to see this may be temporary and just let him do the contacting, you do the listening. 
Just don't put you life on hold.  Keep living your life.
If it's meant to happen, it will.

You sound good.   :)
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #81 on: June 12, 2018, 12:38:08 PM »
Kitty , you stay just as you are.  Let him come to you.
R and M talks????? Those are a ways out. But it's good you see that. H is still very confused, but he is ackowlwdging some of it.
Keep being Kitty, and live your life. Hey, if he wants to hang out, sure. But it's up to you. Dont turn down plans, or change plans for him. First come, first serve.
The no expectations will be hard, but you sound strong Kitty.
I don't see any wool being pulled over your eyes. So just keep it slow, and see where it goes.

Offline KittyTopic starter

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #82 on: June 12, 2018, 02:51:28 PM »
Thank you Thunder and Helpingme!


I need some advice.

I had been thinking, he says that OW is gone, and he wants to work on us. But I also know the OW is like an addiction and there is a chance that contact between them will happen again.

Since he said he wants to work on us, when we talk this weekend would it be a good time to bring up NC boundaries?

He said it would be no problem when I mentioned transparency from him. He even said he would give me the password to the site where I can view phone records.

He says we will talk again this weekend when I come over, I'm thinking of bringing that up again to see if he will actually do it. If he doesn't, or seems hesitant, I'm going to tell him that maybe we should not be doing this until he is more sure of things.

If he does give me the password, I'm going to tell him that if I see any contact between he and OW, then I will go NC with him for a month.

Do these seem reasonable? Does anyone have any other suggestions?

Like I said, I'm sure this is temporary, I'm just curious on what would be a good course of action.

And before anyone asks, yes, I am willing and able to go 1 month NC with him if if comes down to it. I will not tolerate him saying he wants to work on us while still contacting her. I have more respect for myself than that. I've left him alone with no problems since the end of March pretty much. I haven't seen much of him since then, and have been fine with that.
« Last Edit: June 12, 2018, 02:58:13 PM by Kitty »
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline Thunder

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #83 on: June 12, 2018, 03:00:57 PM »
Kitty, if he offers you access to his phone records, good.  I don't think you need to mention anything about NC.

Just make it clear you can not be with him, or be his friend, or even try to work things out if she is still around.  That's a deal breaker for you.
That pretty much tells him if she gets back in the picture you're gone.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline KittyTopic starter

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #84 on: June 12, 2018, 03:13:26 PM »
Thanks Thunder.

I'm going to make it very clear that it will be a deal breaker. I think though that by the time the weekend comes he won't be quite so ready to give me that. Just a feeling I have.

I'll go with the flow, see what happens. Who knows, I could be wrong.

Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline Broken hearted 1971

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #85 on: June 12, 2018, 07:52:16 PM »
Following.

Offline KittyTopic starter

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #86 on: June 12, 2018, 07:59:11 PM »
Thanks Broken hearted.
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline moc

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #87 on: June 12, 2018, 08:02:18 PM »
Doing great Kitty.  Keep up the armor!
M: 47
W: 45
S15 & S11 [from MLCer1]
BD#1: 9/2017
BD#2: 11/2017
no D filed, not seeking action at this time
Separated: 12/2017
OM: EAs up to at least 5 now.  Not sure on PAs.

Offline Broken hearted 1971

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #88 on: June 12, 2018, 08:35:39 PM »
I sure hope your on the short mlc plan

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #89 on: June 13, 2018, 12:27:20 AM »
I agree with Thunder....

"If OW is in the picture, I am out of the picture." plain and simple... No real need to detail what exactly that means immediately...
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline KittyTopic starter

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #90 on: June 13, 2018, 06:24:39 AM »
Thanks moc, Broken hearted and UrsaMajor!

Grumpy called me last night and we talked for an hour. I think it's the longest conversation we've had in a couple months.

As we were talking he told me that he's noticed the changes in me and he likes what he sees. When I told him that I had talked to my dad about taking him to our favorite steakhouse for Father's Day, he asked if he could come. I said if he wanted to, yes. He then said, I hope your dad won't mind. I told him that I would like for him to be there, and it would be my dad's decision to make on whether he wants to go or not when I tell him that we are trying to work on things and that Grumpy will be there. He said, "There it is again, that confidence I've noticed in you lately. I love it. You are making solid decisions and you're doing it to make you happy not anyone else." We'll see how much he likes it when I go NC if I find out he's talking to OW again. ;D

He asked if instead of coming over early afternoon Saturday, if I could come right after work on Friday. I told him if he wanted me to come Friday it would have to be after my workout, as I am trying hard to get at least a 1/2 hour in at the gym M-F. He said not a a problem, then asked if I would be willing to stay until Sunday. :o

He says that he is glad OW is no longer in the picture, and he is realizing now that all the drama in her life is self inflicted. But I know better, I have a feeling this is all because she hurt him, even though he says he had been thinking of contacting me about this for a couple weeks. I'll keep myself guarded with NO EXPECTATIONS, and maybe a little bit of hope.
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #91 on: June 13, 2018, 02:31:26 PM »
Kitty this all is sounding really great. I am praying it sticks too!! But, I will say, it is your reaction and attitude about all this that I am most impressed with. You are amazing. Keep up the great work!! Hugs
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline KittyTopic starter

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #92 on: June 13, 2018, 02:43:45 PM »
Thanks KiT, I think it helps that I’m going into this with no expectations. Based on the timing of this. He can say he had been thinking of calling me for a couple weeks, but I don’t know that. Plus he had spent the day before with OW, and discovered she was lying and cheating, so it could very well be like teenagers.

“Fine if you are gonna cheat on me, I’m going back to Kitty.” ::)

We’ll see what he does.
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline Thunder

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #93 on: June 13, 2018, 03:46:48 PM »
All sounding ok, but I guess if it were me I'd tell him it would be better for you to come on Saturday afternoon, or even Saturday evening.  He's really rushing this. 

He is kind of sounding like he doesn't want to be alone.
He NEEDS some alone time to deal with what happened to him and the ow.

Just my opinion.   :)
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline Acorn

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #94 on: June 13, 2018, 05:29:25 PM »
He is kind of sounding like he doesn't want to be alone.
He NEEDS some alone time to deal with what happened to him and the ow.

My thoughts, exactly. 
However, we are not there, so we can’t read the situation.   As long as you go into this with your eyes wide open and no expectations, you will be ok.  You got this, Kitty!
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline Anon

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #95 on: June 13, 2018, 06:24:59 PM »
Quote
..he says that OW is gone, and he wants to work on us.

My immediate reaction to your post is that these plans are just way to soon.   I see from your signature that your BD was just 7 months ago.  He is still firmly entrenched in Replay and will be for a long time yet.  While in Replay they just are not ready for any genuine or serious work on the R or M despite what they say.    Why is he rushing this now?  Thunder hit the nail on the head when she says that he doesn't want to be alone.  So typical for MLCers - they cannot stand to be alone!   OW is gone, he's likely suffering painful withdrawal from her and he needs relief - now.   You are his relief but there is a very high probability he will run from you again sooner or later and either go back to the same OW or find a new OW.  This could catch you off guard just as suddenly as the original BD.   It would be extremely rare for this to be a anything other than a false return so early into the crisis so have no expectations and brace yourself for more Replay behavior which is likely to last at least 2 years.   


Quote
Since he said he wants to work on us, when we talk this weekend would it be a good time to bring up NC boundaries?

Don't bring it up at all !!  Early on, NC is for the LBS - to protect us emotionally from MLC antics.  It should NOT be used if you don't need it for emotional protection.   If you no longer need NC for this reason then don't do it.   Why?  Because early in the crisis is the time for Paving the Way so that much later in the Crisis (well after Replay) the MLCer has some hope he can return home.  Without Paving the Way now, he may believe returning home is so completely hopeless he won't even try.   Some contact should be maintained to keep opportunities open for paving the way, if you can handle it.  NC in the earlier stages of the crisis should NOT be used as a boundary to modify their behavior.  It's only going to be seen by them as massive pressure from you which will just send them running faster and further away from you.   If they do choose to accept the boundary then their crisis is simply put on hold, only to be returned to at a later time. The second go around is often reported as much worse than the first.  So let them complete the journey without interference the first time.   The basic strategy for the LBS in this stage is give them SPACE and apply NO PRESSURE.   Detach and let go and leave them to walk thru their journey without you. 

NC as a boundary for the spouse should not be used until the spouse is genuinely reconnecting and moving toward reconciliation.  They are not out of the woods yet but they are genuinely wanting to come home.   Now is the time to set some behavioral consequences such as NC.  If you set a boundary you MUST follow through so be sure you are able to do so.   The motivation to return is often high enough that NC will have a big enough impact on them that they honor the boundary.   



 





BD June 2017

Offline Busy_Bee

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #96 on: June 13, 2018, 09:52:29 PM »
Kitty,
I totally agree with Anon and Thunder.
I just want to add that MLCer can't skip stages to recover from the crisis. There is a process which must be followed to the end.
Your H is just at the beginning of this process, he hasn't entered the tunnel yet. If your H is in MLC, this will happen regardless and it's imminent.

However, there is no reason for you to lose hope or stay discouraged to stand. Take this as an opportunity to show him that you are strong and confident women. Don't punish him with NC, don't ask many questions = Pressure!!
Just observe.

My ex made many attempts to return but after each return his behavior has escalated further. At 7th month from BD he has returned, stayed for couple of months and then he filed for divorce. There were many returns during last 45 months and after each "go" he did something that i thought he would never do : filing, divorcing, introducing OW to the family, moving in with OW... I have been examining my behavior and have concluded that there was nothing i have done to provoke these escalations.
During his last return ( 7th or 8th, I don't remember  :) just 6 months ago he has confirmed to me that "there is something inside him that pushing him to do those things".

NC is only for those LBS who are completely done with their Hs. Otherwise please consider to go very very dark.

When MLCer decides to return, they will. They will do this regardless if you are in NC with them or even in another relationship already. The thought of returning will become their obsession, it will consume their minds and they would do anything for LBS to accept them. At least it was how I felt when my MLC was over.

But..it will be much much later, years from now.

Please stay hopeful, confident and strong. You are just at the beginning.


Offline KittyTopic starter

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #97 on: June 14, 2018, 05:53:31 AM »
Thank you, Thunder, Acorn, Anon, and Busy_Bee.

You have all verified what I had been thinking, it is too soon for this to be happening. Grumpy is mad that the OW lied to him and cheated on him, I didn't take into account that he doesn't want to be alone to process it. But whatever the reason, this is not a real re connection attempt. He has said OW owes him money, and he had texted her long enough to coordinate a time when she could bring money to the house. Once he gets all of his money, which should be about this time next week he said he is blocking and deleting her number off his phone, and that he has already blocked her on Facebook.

I also believe that because he has not blocked her right away that he will continue contacting her. I know that even though they break things off with OP, they could go back multiple times, and I think this is going to be the case with Grumpy. So I will use whatever time given to me to pave the way.

The only serious question I was going to ask was if he was still willing to give me the password to the phone log. I was going to phrase it like this:

"Last week when I mentioned transparency to you, you said you would do whatever you could to make me feel comfortable. You even mentioned giving me the password for the phone log. If you are still agreeable to it, I would like it if you did. In return, I promise not to go snooping through unless I feel you are being secretive and may be back in contact with OW."

But I think it's too wordy, any advice on how to make it quick and to the point?

I realize that I can't go NC right now, so if I do find evidence of contact then I will just pull back and go on as I have the last couple months. I will not initiate contact, and I will leave him alone again, while I continue living my life.

Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline Thunder

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #98 on: June 14, 2018, 06:14:27 AM »
Kitty, I see no reason not to bring the phone up.  It may be a good way of judging where he is right now.

When you're with him maybe thank him for offering to give you the password to his account.  Tell him it means a lot to you.
Then see if he does it.

If not, then you have your answer.  If he doesn't offer it, say nothing.

Just keep protecting your heart and try not to have any expectations.
Just be friendly and light around him, but keep living your life, Kitty.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline KittyTopic starter

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #99 on: June 14, 2018, 06:24:20 AM »
Thanks Thunder.

I will keep living my life, and my heart is as protected as it can be. I know I post a lot of what Grumpy says, but I know that MLCers lie. I think a lot of the reason I do it, is to remind myself that no matter how honest he seems to be, it's false. Also, I figure if I post what he says to me then newer newbies than myself can read it and say, "Oh, so it's not just me, her H does it too."

I was thinking of bringing it up Friday night, and if he won't offer then I would tell him that maybe we should take a little more time before trying this, and going back to my place.
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline Thunder

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #100 on: June 14, 2018, 06:51:11 AM »
Sure, sounds like a plan.  No anger or pressure just, maybe you need a little more time....and leave on good terms.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline KittyTopic starter

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #101 on: June 14, 2018, 06:56:14 AM »
Thanks Thunder.

That was exactly how I was thinking of doing it. Besides what's the point in getting mad? I know he's still in replay, I know that this is temporary.  I actually feel confident that no matter what happens with this, I can handle the outcome with no fuss. Which is nice, because confident is something I haven't felt in a long time.
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #102 on: June 14, 2018, 06:58:50 AM »
Kitty
I wouldn't ask him anything. JMO.  My W offered same thing. And told me code to her phone. Then when I was checking, she was mad, said I didn't trust her, blah, blah, blah.

It's hard, but best way is stay as you are. Treat him as you have been. Let him prove it to you. My W did drop OM,  but they did talk some after. I think they all will be in contact again at sometime. As Thunder said, do not let your guard down Kitty.

Offline Acorn

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #103 on: June 14, 2018, 07:05:06 AM »
He said the words (about PW).  A good boy would follow up with an appropriate action.  I have an approach that works well for me.  No reminders about anything (I mean big fat 0) because H is an adult and I’m not his mom.  Show me your ‘money’.  Until then, they are just empty words. 
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline KittyTopic starter

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #104 on: June 14, 2018, 07:52:20 AM »
Thanks Helpingme!, and Acorn.

I'm going to play it by ear. See if he brings it up, I will not mention it. But if he does I will tell him that I won't go snooping. He called to set up a time to meet up today to drop off a duffel bag for me as my suitcase is a little big for a sleepover, and he's starting to waffle a bit already.

He said that if I had work that I needed to come in to do, maybe I should come in to work on Saturday, then come to the house Saturday afternoon and only stay one night. I said, sure, no problem. He has an appointment with his IC on Friday, and normally he is kind of a wreck when he leaves. He said he would let me know after his appointment if it's okay for me to come over. I may tell him that I will still wait until Saturday.

I didn't even have to keep the hurt or upset out of my voice while talking about this, because there wasn't any.

He has made sure to tell me in every talk we've had since Sunday that he wants to take things slow, he is "Still going through whatever this is, that I'm going through." and that I should not be upset, or take it personally if he has mood swings. I told him that was fine, if I saw him going through something like that I would leave him alone until he is ready for company again.

I think he was looking for re assurance that I wouldn't pressure him, or confront him about things. I think that's why he keeps mentioning it, to see if I will ask if there is some reason I should be confronting him. But I won't, my lips are zipped, until he is really ready to talk. :-X

I'm gonna need lots of popcorn. 8)
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline gman242

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #105 on: June 14, 2018, 08:22:00 AM »
I agree with all of the a fore mentioned advice.

I went through a "let's work this out" period with my W for about 6 months, including having access to her phone and even though I had that, it was obvious she was still hiding things. I had enough and maybe blew my top, but I asked her what her plans were for coming home, since it was all talk and nothing concrete and she said she didn't have any.

My advice would be actions matter and even then, hold off, keep your mouth shut and wait and see lol. You don't know what's going on with him 100%. It may be guilt, OW may be gone and now he's feeling insecure, until maybe he gets a bite on some dating profile and then poof he could be off again. Time will tell and focus on that more and other wise keep it light and casual..

Offline Acorn

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #106 on: June 14, 2018, 08:33:26 AM »
He sure has a lot of demands for a man that messed up your M.  The world revolves around him, eh?!  No surprises there.  What he waffled on about is really telling you where he thinks you are supposed to be and you should bend over backwards to accommodate him in any and every mood he finds himself.  It is obvious that he thinks he can dictate all terms of engagement.  Wow... 

Would it serve you better if you are not so available to him in communication?  If you do respond,  take your time about it and then just ‘OK” will suffice?  No reasons, no explanations, no what you will do. 

Grace and understanding, yes, but do not sacrifice your dignity on that alter, IMHO.
« Last Edit: June 14, 2018, 08:34:58 AM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline KittyTopic starter

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #107 on: June 14, 2018, 08:59:34 AM »
Need some input everyone. I really should just stay in my own little MLC free world.

Ugh, I think I'm just going to call him and tell him that we should take a little more time before jumping into things again.

Just got ANOTHER MESSAGE FROM OW, yes he is still talking to her. But I had a feeling he still was. Still batting 1,000 with the instincts.

"Just got off the phone with Grumpy. Apparently he's been playing us both and is still trying to. Just to let you know I never initiated anything. How many times have you heard, "I just need to take time to straighten out my mind, but we will still talk/text and in time see what happens down the road." Interesting how a persons true colors show with time. Any questions, just ask. I wish you well and I hope you're enjoying your independence out from underneath his rules and demands. You look great by the way!"

I'm thinking of calling him and telling him that she sent a message but I haven't read it yet and see how he responds.

Any suggestions or advice?
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #108 on: June 14, 2018, 09:12:05 AM »
So, Grumpy is playing both sides against he middle... He wants cake but it looks like both of his bakeries have figured out what the score is...

The message from OW is a bit self-serving don't you think though?

I'm not sure what to say here.... but let Grumpy swing in the wind....
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline KittyTopic starter

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #109 on: June 14, 2018, 09:18:44 AM »
The message from OW is a bit self-serving don't you think though?

I agree UM. It’s probably her way of trying to get me mad so she can have him to herself. I kind of want to ask her where she heard that anything is going on between us. But I know better, I will not reply to her. Just like I didn’t last time.
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #110 on: June 14, 2018, 09:30:08 AM »
Kitty , I would not tell H about message. Let it be. No reply, but don't tell him.
I'm sure she had a play in it too, trust me. It takes two to tango. But, ahe may keep relaying info to you. JMO. 
OM of my W did the same. But it wasn't to make me mad, he was through with her,  got all he wanted. He went back to his wife. So, everything he told me was the truth. I found out.
I never told my W. She did snoop on my phone and read some of his messages to me. She didn't like them either.
He said he didn't live her, just a booty call. He even screenshot messages from her and sent them to me.
I think some of the a$$holes are really done with them, and the MLCer stalks them, ha. They are just trying to get rid of them.
Is she your friend, hell no. But If she wants to give info, let her give it. Do Not give her any info or ask questions. Just take what she gives.

Offline Acorn

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #111 on: June 14, 2018, 09:36:07 AM »
It is beyond disturbing that OW can contact you.  Her message does nothing but add stress and uncertainty to your life.  She is well experienced in cake eating herself and yet sends you that message re H’s cake eating.  I see manipulation here.  I wouln’t give any more credit to her claims than I would a MLCer.  They are cut from the same cloth. 

I root for YOU only.  Not OW or even your H.  You look after yourself, Kitty.  Don’t ever think that H or OW has your best interest in their cheating hearts.  It’s all for them, including OW”s message. 
« Last Edit: June 14, 2018, 09:37:11 AM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline KittyTopic starter

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #112 on: June 14, 2018, 09:43:32 AM »
I know, just needed to hear it. Thanks Helpingme! and Acorn.
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline KittyTopic starter

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #113 on: June 14, 2018, 11:22:05 AM »
I went to my apartment during lunch, did some meditating to calm down, and deleted the message, after taking a screenshot.

I told Grumpy that I got a message from OW, but that I deleted it without reading it. He told me that she called him this morning to try to plead her case, but he told her again that they were done. He said he wants me to come over so that we can start working on us. He said me telling him that she sent me a message just helps his case against her. I let him say what he felt he needed to say because it's MLC, and really nothing is going to change it until he gets through his journey.

I won't tell Grumpy that I read the message, I'll go over Saturday and be light and friendly and pave the way until he has had his fill of this touch and go and his head goes back up his...fog.

And maybe the little evil part of me will hope that OW does a drive by while I'm there.



Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline FearNot

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #114 on: June 14, 2018, 01:46:16 PM »
Wow Kitty!

It's been a bit eventful over here. You have received some great advice from some veterans about your situation and replay and there is so much to take away from your thread. You really are being smart about this! Good for you!

I agree with Acorn, it sounds like manipulation at it's finest. Don't buy into that crap!

 And I am sure you do look good, INSIDE and out, so eat your heart out OW. You got nothing on Kitty!!

Take care of you!
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline KittyTopic starter

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #115 on: June 14, 2018, 02:01:35 PM »
It has been pretty eventful here FearNot. But I think it is coming to an end before the weekend even gets here. Grumpy sent me a text that his head is firetrucked up and he's not handling anything good, and he is just so conflicted and doesn't know why he can't figure anything out.

So...I know I shouldn't, but I'm going to assume this will result in him saying he would rather me not visit this weekend. I could be wrong, it could still happen, no expectations.

I did actually block the OW on facebook, since her messages were coming to me through messenger. I figure if I don't get any messages, I can't tell him about any messages. I just thought I would try to be truthful, since he wanted to know, but I guess that might have not been the best move. Whatever, it's not like it made a big impact on what's happening to him now. I think it's because he is still talking to OW even though he told me they were through. Who knows, maybe he'll realize the game the OW is playing and stop it.

Whether I go over there this weekend or not, I know I will have a great weekend, the weather is going to be nice, and I am going to try to be outside as much as possible.

I'll just
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline Thunder

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #116 on: June 14, 2018, 02:10:18 PM »
Kitty, can you block her from contacting you again.  I sure would do it.

What NERVE she has, like your friends.  UGH!

I'm glad you told him she contacted you.
I have a feeling this is not over between them, Kitty.  Sounds like drama to me.   ::)

Just tread lightly.

I just read your last post as I was replying.
Kitty, why not just tell him until he figures out what he wants and doesn't feel conflicted he should stay away from contacting you.  You don't need to get hurt anymore.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline seahorse

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #117 on: June 14, 2018, 02:42:03 PM »
Kitty - following.  Sounds like you have your hands full. You’re getting great advice from so many...  Good luck - you’re doing great!
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #118 on: June 14, 2018, 04:03:33 PM »
High school drama. Amazing how similar even the OW are! You’re doing great Kitty.
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline KittyTopic starter

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #119 on: June 14, 2018, 05:24:08 PM »
Thanks Thunder, seahorse and KIT.

Thunder - Grumpy was going to his friends after work, they asked him to help take measurements and figure out what materials they will need to build a bigger pool deck. He said he was going to talk to his friend because he needed an impartial party to listen.

If he calls me later, and he mentions he still wants me to come over I will, if he says he doesn’t, I won’t. If he doesn’t call me, I may send him a text tomorrow and tell him if he is that conflicted then I will go back to how things were which was very minimal contact.

KIT - It is so like what I use to see in high school. I thought I escaped that crap when I graduated. ::)

seahorse - Yes, I have been given a lot of great advice, I am trying to follow what I can while also following my instincts. I’m trying the best I can.
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline Anon

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #120 on: June 14, 2018, 06:07:57 PM »
Quote
,,,why not just tell him until he figures out what he wants and doesn't feel conflicted he should stay away from contacting you.

Totally agree with this.  Let him get scared that he is losing control and you are slipping away from him.   It seems right now that you are giving him complete control over whether you come over or not.   He says come over ,,, so you will.   He says don't come over,,,, so you won't.   What about you taking control instead allowing him to decide whether you go over or not?   At the moment, he knows you are 100% where he wants you to be.   In the meantime, he is going forward with OW knowing that SHE might not stick around waiting so he has to figure out that relationship first.  But he knows YOU will wait.   Don't wait... let him wonder and worry!
BD June 2017

Offline KittyTopic starter

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #121 on: June 14, 2018, 07:21:26 PM »
You’re right anon. Interestingly enough Grumpy called me tonight. He said after talking with his friend that he wanted to spend the weekend alone. He said he needed to sort things out in his head and be disconnected from every one.

I said, okay. He said if I wanted to we could meet for dinner Saturday night, I declined. I said that if he feels he needs time to himself, then he should take it. I told him that if we were both available, we could go to dinner next weekend.

So my feeling planned out. I’m kinda glad I blocked OW from my Facebook. I really don’t want anymore messages.

I am still going to have a great weekend, I hope every one else does too.
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline Thunder

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #122 on: June 14, 2018, 07:49:48 PM »
Good for you, Kitty.  He is not going to spend his weekend alone, regardless of what he says.

You go have a good weekend yourself, Kitty!

With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline Anon

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #123 on: June 14, 2018, 09:00:29 PM »
Quote
He said if I wanted to we could meet for dinner Saturday night, I declined. I said that if he feels he needs time to himself, then he should take it. I told him that if we were both available, we could go to dinner next weekend

That's a perfect response Kitty!  Be friendly when you do see him, no R talks, and very important,,, no questions especially about OW.   Going forward give him lots of space, and not apply any pressure at all.  Do this all throughout Replay.  If you are consistent, this alone can move him forward through the crisis more effectively than almost anything else you do.   

Good job Kitty - you are doing great!

BD June 2017

Offline Whyus

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #124 on: June 14, 2018, 11:20:31 PM »
Good for you, Kitty. He is not going to spend his weekend alone, regardless of what he says.

Finally I dont agree with Thunder  :D, sorry beaut. Seriously, there is a very good Chance that he may not be alone but there is also a Chance that he will be. Try not to think about what he is doing this Weekend (not easy I know) but dont imagine that she will be there.
Do something nice and spoil yourself Kitty. This must be draining so try and go NC this Weekend. Let him be alone if that is what he wants, not even a text.

You go have a good weekend yourself, Kitty!
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 44
W: 44
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28. Trainings partner. Still together
2 Sons - 18 & 19
2 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Filed
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0
T10. http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9547.0

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #125 on: June 15, 2018, 01:59:21 AM »
Kitty
You have been doing so good. Keep it up. As far as H goes, think about this weekend just like you did last weekend, and the one before that.
Doesn't matter where, who he's with. Worry about Kitty.
Main thing is, you have a wonderful weekend. 

Offline KittyTopic starter

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #126 on: June 15, 2018, 03:19:23 AM »
Thanks Thunder, Anon, Whyus, and Helpingme!

I had a feeling that this was too soon, in hindsight I probably should have told him that we could meet this weekend, instead of last Sunday. But you know what they say about hindsight.

Anon - Except for a couple outbursts in the first few months after BD I’ve been very good at being friendly, no R talks, and aside from telling him she sent me 2 messages, I don’t bring up OW either. I’ve been in my own place doing my own thing, I don’t initiate contact, and I let him lead all conversations.

Whether he spends the weekend alone or not is not my problem. If he goes back to OW and is miserable, well he made the choice.

I don’t set weekend plans for myself because if I’m not in a mood to do something I’ve made plans for it actually makes it hard to get through, even if it’s something I like. I am hoping my dad will be available for dinner Sunday. Who knows I may even be nice and take my brother too. ;D

Have a great weekend.
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #127 on: June 15, 2018, 03:55:41 AM »
Kitty
H May just be sitting around sulking by himself. Don't assume anything.
You will know. If you think he was and he wasn't type of thing, you will feel bad.
Just take it for what he said.
Take your Brother, maybe he will pay the bill, lol.
Have a good weekend Kitty

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #128 on: June 15, 2018, 04:36:08 AM »
Quote from: Kitty
Whether he spends the weekend alone or not is not my problem

^^^^^^^^^^^^
THIS!

100% Correct.....

Even if he is alone he won't be because he'll have his demons and his guilt to keep him company...

I agree with WhyUs though... He wants to be "alone," let him be REALLY TOTALLY alone.... Respond if you must but other than that, black hole dark.... let him stew in his own choices / juices...
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline KittyTopic starter

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #129 on: June 15, 2018, 08:57:20 AM »
Thanks Helpingme! and UrsaMajor

I'm not assuming anything, I actually have a feeling that he will be alone this weekend, physically anyway. I don't think I'll hear from him even though he said we could chat. I'm going to let him stew. I should have done it this week, instead of meeting him Sunday when he was on a high.

I am going to briefly stop at the house tomorrow, my registration is there, and I got his dad a gift card for Father's Day. I'm hoping to pop in and out without him even knowing I'm there. If he does catch me, I'll keep the visit very short. Right now I don't want to call and ask him to bring it to me, and I would like to give his dad the gift card in person.

I know this might not be the wise thing to do, but I figure I can limit contact better by just going to the house, I asked his dad if he would be there, he said he would, and he told me that he would not tell Grumpy I was stopping by.

Helping - If I can my brother to split the bill it would be a monumental accomplishment on my part. His son plays hockey and it's quite expensive, so they are a bit strapped for cash.

Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #130 on: June 15, 2018, 10:13:52 AM »
Kitty—I think your plan is good. So much of what we do as LBS is cautiously plan things around their crisis. Bc they are delicate flowers.  ::) But this act of kindness of giving your Fil a gift is part of who you are. And that is never a bad thing. I also believe that kindness is never wasted. Even when on the Mlcer Him or herself.

Hugs friend.
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline KittyTopic starter

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #131 on: June 15, 2018, 10:28:06 AM »
Thanks KIT.

I wasn't sure about it. But I figured, Saturday is my shopping day this week. I was going to do it tonight if I was going to be going over three tomorrow. So now if he wants to get all chatty, I'll just tell him, "Sorry, can't talk right now. I've got things to do."

I have been kind, even when I got that second message from OW confirming he is still talking to her, even though he's been telling me he is shutting and bolting the door on that R as soon as he gets the rest of his money. But I know from reading the articles on here and HB's site, that it is never a clean break with the OP and they will usually end up going back. I at least knew this going in, so I had no expectations about it.



Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline Mrs.Smiling

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #132 on: June 15, 2018, 07:29:30 PM »
After H was here and making his comment about it not being long term and that it probably won't work out...I thought to myself as well...right, it's not a clean break...H went back to OW 3 times...
It still rubs me the wrong way...
You sound good...strong....I dont know if I could hold it together if OW ever contacted me...
Hugs
Be the best version of yourself... there is no other

Offline seahorse

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #133 on: June 16, 2018, 05:46:25 AM »
Kitty:  I think RCR made her husband live separate for a year while they reconnected to ensure that he was completely over ow and finishisng up his MLC.  (I’m pretty sure that’s correct).
Anyway.  Is that something you’d consider?  Putting up that boundary or something similar?  It may protect your heart.  I’m not sure if it’s the right thing to do, but I think it would be really hard to have him come back uncooked.  Just thought about throwing that out there.
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline Thunder

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #134 on: June 16, 2018, 06:16:53 AM »
I agree seahorse, there needs to be a set amount of time for them to live alone and prove the alienator is not only gone, but so are their feelings for them.

You can still spend time with them, but not as a live in.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline KittyTopic starter

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #135 on: June 16, 2018, 06:24:56 AM »
Thanks Smiling, seahorse, and Thunder!

Smiling - The OW messaged me the first time because she was mad Grumpy told her they were “done”. I’m not even sure how she knows he was talking to me. But I believe the second message was sent to get me mad at Grumpy so I would stop talking to him. She was right about one thing though, Grumpy’s tune started changing Tuesday, from being 100%sure we will work things out, to taking things slowly and taking the time to get to know each other again. Last night he texted that we should just stick to talking and visiting every so often to see how things pan out down the road.
I think the second message was sent to get me to back off, I don’t buy the act she is putting on. If she was concerned about me, she wouldn’t have gotten involved with my H at all.  ::)

seahorse, and Thunder- I had a feeling that it wasn’t a real reconnection attempt. I figure it was either a touch and go, or he was rebelling against OW because she hurt him and made him mad.  Grumpy and I don’t live together, but if he did attempt to reconnect I would definitely not move back in with him, or let him move here with me right off the bat. I actually thought he had the right idea on Sunday by saying he wanted me to just spend one night at the house with him. But I think next time, I might amend that to waiting a month or so after a genuine reconnection attemp is made before I sleepover.

But that doesn’t matter right now, there is still a long ways to go before that happens, and I may change my mind and decide on something different.

 Right now I am about to go to the gym to get some measurements done, go to the house quick, and then go grocery shopping and do meal prep.

Tonight I’m going to treat myself to something, I haven’t decided what yet.

Have a nice weekend.
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline seahorse

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #136 on: June 16, 2018, 06:31:55 AM »
Kitty:  Have a great night.  Sounds like you’ll be busy with lots of fun things!
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline Thunder

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #137 on: June 16, 2018, 06:32:43 AM »
Good for you, Kitty!

Maybe some nice flowers.   :)

I used to do that.  My H would ask who the flowers were from.
"I bought them for myself." (grin)  Not sure he ever believed it but oh well...
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline KittyTopic starter

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #138 on: June 16, 2018, 05:00:50 PM »
Well Thunder, I don’t think that will be a problem.

I have a confession to make. I had a feeling Tuesday when Grumpy started changing his tune. I downloaded a free trial of an app that shall not be named and found out that Grumpy has been texting OW and seeing her this whole time. At first he had only texted her a couple times to coordinate getting money she owed him. Then they met up and she told him her side of the story, now they are all lovey dovey again.

I deleted the app today after seeing yesterday’s exchange where he told her that he had me sign he papers Monday by I missed the date. So at least I know he is lying to her too.

Whatever, I had a feeling Sunday was not what it seemed.

I saw Grumpy today for a bit while I dropped off his dad’s gift card. He was all no eye contact and distant, with a boo hoo story about how he wishes he could figure himself out, even though he kept giving me hugs and holding my hand.

I told him before I left that I had a feeling that the reason he was conflicted was because he was talking to OW again, he said he wasn’t he only talked to her three times for her to drop off money.

I told him it didn’t matter, and that I would go back to mine and contine taking care of myself as I had been.

He apologized for getting my hopes up and said he hoped one day he would be able to make a decision about his life. He said I looked great and he wanted to see me again. I told him it all depended on him, and I left.



Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Online hopeandfaith

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #139 on: June 16, 2018, 05:12:16 PM »
Kitty you have done really well considering the potential emotional turmoil of the last week.  It takes courage to see text messages but I think it is appropriate at times to see if the actions are matching the words.

As much as it sounds like pure manipulation on your H's part when he says he is messed up and wishes he could sort out his life, do you think there is truth to it? Or do you think it is 100% pity party?
BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved out July 2017
D18, D16 and S14

Offline seahorse

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #140 on: June 16, 2018, 06:42:42 PM »
Kitty:  You’ve been through so much turmoil lately, and I’m sorry.  I’ll keep you in my thoughts..  Stay strong.  You have so much to be proud of yourself for!  Keep up the great work.
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline KittyTopic starter

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #141 on: June 16, 2018, 08:20:33 PM »
Thanks h&f and seahorse.

H&F - I have no idea, since early November his favorite phrase is I don’t know. And he has said to his parents too that he doesn’t know what he wants, or can’t decide what he wants to do with himself.
But it may be a manipulative tactic, he used it on OW for a couple days before they really made up. He actually told her the same thing on Wednesday that he told me. That he wants to take things slow and get to know each other again, and then see what happens down the road.

I handled the emotional turmoil mainly because sampsed was able to talk me down from confronting Grumpy with what I had found. The other part was because as much as it sucked to see, I had a feeling I knew what I would find.

While I was at the house earlier I told the IL’s that I believed that Grumpy is all conflicted again because he is still talking to OW. I mentioned nothing about my adventures in spying. They were actually not happy with that bit of news. I asked that they not say anything to Grumpy. I told them that I wouldn’t have told them except his mom had said something about as long as we talk we can work anything out, and I started crying. I tried to stop it, but I couldn’t. Before I turned away to go to the bathroom his mom grabbed me and hugged me. His dad said he doesn’t understand how he can go back to all that drama. They told me they blocked her last week as soon as Grumpy told them they were done.

So, I’m going to be going Dark on him for a while, but I don’t think that will be a problem as he has OW back so he won’t be contacting me.
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline Thunder

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #142 on: Today at 03:04:23 AM »
Kitty, I'm so sorry.

How did you know he said the same thing to the ow as he said to you?  She didn't contact you again, did she?   :-\

I'm glad you talk with your inlaws.  It helps to have them know the bad choices he is making and hopefully not cover for him.

Kit, the drama is just not over yet with them.  Let it burn out.
Hugs
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline seahorse

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #143 on: Today at 03:38:25 AM »
Kit:
I am so sorry that you're having a hard time, but agree with Thunder that it's SO good for you to have a strong relationship with the inlaws.  My MIL knows we're separated, but thinks it's because of me and doesn't know about the affair at all.

Please don't snoop on the app sites, dating sites, or other social media.  Your gut instincts are strong, but actions will tell you.  You don't need to get yourself upset; better not to know, right?  As long as his actions are not there, just act as if...

You've been so strong.  You'll get through this. 
We're here for you.  You deserve the best.
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline KittyTopic starter

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #144 on: Today at 04:43:45 AM »
Thanks Thunder and seahorse.

I’m actually doing okay. I know from reading on here and HB’s site that they will keep going back to the affair partner, that it needs to run it’s course. So I will continue doing as I have been doing before this drama filled touch and go (if that’s what this was) and leave him to it.

I know I shouldn’t snoop seahorse, but even though I trust my instincts, I guess I needed to see to know just how strong the pull to OW is right now.

On a side note, I hope all the dads on here have a Happy Father’s Day!
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

 

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