Author Topic: My Story Ugh...seriously?!?  (Read 2033 times)

Offline KittyTopic starter

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My Story Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #10 on: June 02, 2018, 04:39:17 PM »
All he has ever said about his relationship with OW2 (he said many things about the one with OW1) was, a few years into the relationship that he "didn't give a f*** abour her". Yet, they are still together. ::)


Hi Anjae,

Grumpy has told me a couple times that things will never work between them because they are too different. I figured he was lying, it’s a good thing I didn’t believe him.

How do you know Mr. J was telling the truth? If he doesn’t give a firetruck about her, why stay?
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline Anjae

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #11 on: June 02, 2018, 05:11:22 PM »
Grumpy has told me a couple times that things will never work between them because they are too different. I figured he was lying, it’s a good thing I didn’t believe him.

They may not work. Not all crisis last very long and not all MLCers stay that long with OW.

How do you know Mr. J was telling the truth? If he doesn’t give a firetruck about her, why stay?

His tone of voice. I know when he is telling the truth, lying, happy, sad, angry, scared, etc. by his tone of voice (or by the tone of his e-mails). When he was around, also by his body language.

MLCers stay with people they don't stand for a number or reasons. They have blow it all up, and see no way back. Their crisis got worst/deeper. They made too many commitments with OW/OM (new house, marriage, whatever), dysfuncional relationship, emotional blackmail. RCR talks about it in the articles.

Probably, not even Mr. J knows why he stays with OW2. But, if not OW2, he is going to have to look for OW3. He is not cooked, I will not even consider take him back while he is the way he is/leading the life he leads, and he knows it. He is incapable of stay alone, just like many MLCers.

It is probably more practical to remain with OW2. For now, at least. He is not ready to start any necessary changes.

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline KittyTopic starter

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #12 on: June 02, 2018, 06:19:05 PM »
Hi Anjae,

There was a time when I could read Grumpy like that, but now not so much. Or, maybe it’s more that I just figure he is lying to me about anything he says now a days. I know we shouldn’t assume anything, but if I assume he is lying I won’t be quite as upset/shocked when I hear things that tell me different.

I have decided that if he goes through with his D, that I will be friendly if I ever see him after, but I will not even consider being his friend until I see signs that he is working on himself.
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline Insecurity_08

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #13 on: June 02, 2018, 11:04:51 PM »

I have decided that if he goes through with his D, that I will be friendly if I ever see him after, but I will not even consider being his friend until I see signs that he is working on himself.

I have the same. If he goes through with his D. and I ever see him somewhere by accident. I will be friendly. Hopefully he will be without OW because I don’t think I can be friendly to her. I will however not plan activities to do as friends. Or meet up with him when he asks, text him if he texts me.

If however at one time in his life wants to talk about what happened and shows he has grown. He will always be welcome. As for my stand, how I feel now is the same as you do. It will end at d. and I will start dating again. If he awakes and I’m still single we’ll see if it it is still in the cards for us!
Me: 33
H: 39
T: 9 M: almost 3
No kids, been trying to conceive for almost 3 years (with a one year break in between)
BD1: December 2017, OW sends inappropriate texts to H. H keeps this a secret until I discover it. Basically EA
March 2018: H claims having doubts about our R
BD2: April 2018: H wants a divorce and ILYBINILWY
A with OW, probably PA but no confirmation. OW is still married
H living at home, not filing for now (might happen in September)

Offline Broken hearted 1971

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #14 on: June 03, 2018, 07:10:04 AM »
Following. Those of you standing are so strong, i really couldn't imagine it. Reconciling is tough but standing, wow you guys are amazing!. Your in my thoughts.

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #15 on: June 03, 2018, 09:47:45 AM »
Following along Kitty

Offline KittyTopic starter

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #16 on: June 03, 2018, 12:23:19 PM »
Thanks Insecurity, Broken hearted, and Helpingme!

Today has been nice and quiet. I’m not sure when Grumpy is going to chime in, he is going to be disappointed when I don’t reply, or answer the phone right away. I’m not ready to talk to him yet, I need to get myself in a frame of mind where I will not mention I heard about his move.

I was reading an article on Acorn’s thread about fear being a cause of anger, and one of the fears was of not being worthy. To me right now that is a huge thing for me that I need to work on. The thing I was angriest about was the affair. Because I was scared he found someone better, that I am not good enough to stay with. For me that fear will probably be harder to overcome than anything else.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to help myself with this?
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline Broken hearted 1971

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #17 on: June 03, 2018, 01:25:32 PM »
Not sure i have advice other than most of us probably felt that way. This site has helped me tremendously. Educating me on mlc and realizing that mlc has nothing to do with you. Even when I knew that i struggled. It takes time to accept that part

Offline FearNot

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #18 on: June 03, 2018, 01:46:20 PM »
Hi Kitty,

Fear can stop us from a lot of things and I agree that fear can cause anger. We are afraid to do things, we talk ourselves out of it. We create our own frustration and it's a vicious cycle. The song I had on my second thread was "Fear is a liar". I think the lyrics speak strongly.

When he told you you're not good enough
When he told you you're not right
When he told you you're not strong enough
To put up a good fight
When he told you you're not worthy
When he told you you're not loved
When he told you you're not beautiful
That you'll never be enough
Fear, he is a liar
He will take your breath
Stop you in your steps
Fear he is a liar
He will rob your rest
Steal your happiness
Cast your fear in the fire
'Cause fear he is a liar

I think all of us can relate to our self confidence taking a beating. I was struggling with self confidence as well when H dropped the bomb. But it is imperative that we try to remember this has nothing to do with our self confidence or us really for that matter. Marriages and people take work, none of us are perfect, and them choosing to walk away does not reflect on us but on them. I think it's also their lack of self confidence. That they think they can't make us happy (and that's true). We each as individuals need to have that within us and bring it into the R. This is not your fault because you aren't good enough. You ARE GOOD, and kind, patient, empathetic. You are worthy! Please remember that! Big hugs!

M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline KittyTopic starter

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #19 on: June 03, 2018, 04:45:01 PM »
Thanks Broken hearted, and FearNot.

Those song lyrics are how I’ve felt the majority of my life. I know it has nothing to do with me, but my fear is riding me right now.

There was a discussion a while back about broken attracting broken. I’m not sure in what way Grumpy is broken, but I know how I am broken. Now comes the hard part, fixing what’s broke.
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

 

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