Author Topic: My Story Ugh...seriously?!?  (Read 2032 times)

Offline seahorse

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My Story Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #20 on: June 03, 2018, 05:01:31 PM »
Kitty:  We’re all broken.  You’ve become so strong in the last many months.  I’ve seen it in you and in our conversations.  H is also broken.  He’s in a crisis, he’s depressed, he’s untrustworthy, he’s afraid.  I could go on.  He needs to work on himself.

You ARE more than good enough.  OW is an affair-down. Remember that.  MLCer needs to be with someone less than themselves to make themselves feel better. 

Love yourself.  You deserve it.  We love you!  ;)
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline KittyTopic starter

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #21 on: June 03, 2018, 07:28:31 PM »
Thank you seahorse.
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline seahorse

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #22 on: June 03, 2018, 07:32:33 PM »
Get some sleep and have a good night.
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #23 on: June 04, 2018, 06:16:10 AM »
In my case Kitty, since there are 2 small kids involved so I NEED to remain cordial and friendly with STBXW but I do NOT intend to be her "friend" after her D is done.......

It does bother us to get a bit to the Blindside from our "well-meaning friends."

But, the real question is it movement..... Yes, it is movement in a way, but farther into the tunnel, farther with his head into the ..... fog......

Let him get it over with but have NO expectations on either the time it takes or the outcome....
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #24 on: June 04, 2018, 06:40:34 AM »
Just wanted to offer my support Kitty.  Some friends, while trying to be supportive, just don't know how.  Unless they have been through something very similar, they can't possibly comprehend.

I have found this site to be wonderfully supportive and without the anger and bitterness that so many other places have.  We want to heal, we want our MLCers to heal.  It's a hard place to be, but I think we will ultimately be much better off for it.

Lots of love to you.
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Collaborative Divorce in process (to protect myself)
I don't think I'm standing, but who knows what the future brings.
Two Teenage boys
Me: 55
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline KittyTopic starter

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #25 on: June 04, 2018, 08:55:39 AM »
Thanks UM and FIMG.

I had not yet found this site when I confided in my friend, I understand what she is saying to me, and if this were a normal situation, I would be following her advice, but it's not. I haven't talked about the situation with her much since I found HS. Some of her advice is sound, like not letting him control me, but for the most part the rest doesn't seem applicable.

I will not be expecting anything of him. I haven't in a while now. If he follows through with D, I will be friendly, but that is about as much as he will get from me until I see proof that he is working on himself. Who knows, by then I may very well have closed the door on him.

Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #26 on: June 04, 2018, 03:44:00 PM »
Hi Kitty. As painful as it is, I actually think it is a good thing they move in together. More of an opportunity to see that things get right back to the “mundane” pretty darn quickly. The fantasy wears of quicker (for some) as the mask slips when lulled into a false sense of security. Yep it is painful as can be. But some cannot learn this lesson otherwise.

Your friend wants what is best for you. They all do. Think about it, how would you have counsellef someone in your circumstances, before you were here? Now that we know, we know. So we learn the lesson of not telling certain people everything. This is a process. MLC is a process. And unfortunately you are still in the beginning.

Sorry you had to hear this painful news. I got to hear it from OW herself how my H had been living with her and I was oblivious the whole time. Thankfully at the time I simply said, “ Well then. He’s all yours. Good luck with all that.” And hung up. Let them think they won. Truth is, they know the person they are with is a liar and a cheater. Only a matter of time before the short leash is attached.

You got this Kitty. But oh, my heart does ache for you bc I know how hard this is. Hugs friend.
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline KittyTopic starter

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #27 on: June 04, 2018, 09:02:31 PM »
Thanks KIT, hugs to you too.

It’s hard to say what I would have told my friend. But, if she had tried to explain MLC and how this is not a normal situation, I would take that into consideration when trying to offer advice. Both her and her H told me when I told them about Grumpy bringing up D that I should tell him if he wants a D fine, from now on his L can contact mine and I don’t want to hear from him until he is ready to win me back.

I’ve been monkey braining some the last couple days. It’s not as bad as it was in the beginning, but it’s there. The majority of it I’ve begun to recognize is my fear of failure, of not being worthy. I really need to work on that.

I know that the affair started with lies and deceit, I know she is an affair down, I know I’m the prize. But, I can’t help but think that maybe this was meant to happen, maybe he will be happier with her than he ever was with me, because I’m not worthy of being loved by someone. Maybe after spending lots of time with her kids he’ll realize he really does want a family.

Ugh, the cycling is getting to me big time. I swear I’m not this mopey most of the time. But, I figure giving voice to my fear will maybe help me release it somehow, and that in turn will help my anger...hopefully.

It doesn’t help that yesterday was the 6 month anniversary of Grumpy telling me he wanted a separation, which happened to be the day after we got back from vacation in Florida, at my aunt and uncle’s.

I’m glad I didn’t hear it from OW, especially if it had been soon after BD, or the move. Who knows what I would have done. For the first month or so after I found out about the affair I wanted to contact her and ask how she could be having an affair with my husband when she was supposed to be my friend. Thankfully that urge passed and has not shown up again. I know to do something like that would make her day because of the new drama in her life.

I just need to take care of me and fake it ‘til I make it.
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline Whyus

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #28 on: June 04, 2018, 10:14:42 PM »
Kitty. im so sorry that this is Happening. I hope that you make it asap because faking it is just draining.
Chin up beaut, your not a failure and your more than worthy.

I dont see much of W, just once in the last 6 months but its still being rubbed under my nose. I know too many People who Train at the same Gym as W and OM. Nobody talks about them to me (thankfully) but I monkey brain about what they might be seeing and if W really is in love with this nerd. She sure thinks she is!!!!

Nevermind, thats why I had to just get out of the way and leave them to it. Sadly for W this ship has sailed.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 44
W: 44
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28. Trainings partner. Still together
2 Sons - 18 & 19
2 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Filed
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0
T10. http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9547.0

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Reply #29 on: June 05, 2018, 07:00:27 AM »
Hang in there Kitty.
You will cycle back to a good place. I would love to say the monkey braining stops, but I can't. I will say it's gets easier to get back to the happy place though. The bad cycles get shorter. You will get stronger and stronger.
There is no love there Kitty, you will see it, for the worthless crap that it is. And the skank,  she isn't worth one second of your daily thinking.
Get back up and keep going Kitty.

 

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