Author Topic: My Story My life is not defined by a live-in MLCer 8  (Read 586 times)

Offline AcornTopic starter

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My Story Re: My life is not defined by a live-in MLCer 8
« Reply #20 on: June 14, 2018, 06:53:15 AM »
Thank you, Helping, 31, FN, UM and Rose, for your congrats and comments!

All the hullabaloo and busy-ness associated with 3 graduations and D and SIL staying at my place are all done.  Phew...  Back to my normal life now.  It was a frantic time but I’m truly thankful for all the blessings in my life.  The further TIME marches on from BD, the smaller the space in my brain for the things I have no control over, like H and his MLC saga. 

I’ve been thinking about some notable factors that helped me regain my emotional equilibrium.  One of them is trying to better understand ANGER and RESENTMENT in H, me and the kids.  Once I got into my thick skull that I do not have any control over H’s emotions, I sought to address my own emotional responses to situations created by him.  That, I can change. (Yeh, I know.  No brainer but it takes time to actually go from ‘intellutual’ understanding to applying it in real life.) 

I hope to write down my thoughts about H first.
Note: this is not about righteous anger but rather the expressions of anger at targets that did not earn it.  In other words, transference of anger to a poor ‘whipping boy’.

Rather than writing down my own synopsis, I’m going to quote a passage that succinctly expresses all that I wanted to say.  And, much shorter than what I would have written!  ;D

And I quote from Dr. Leon Seltzer:

Anger—How We Transfer Feelings of Guilt, Hurt, and Fear:Projecting vulnerable feelings onto others causes more problems than it solves.

(Snip)

.... projecting our mistakes, or misdeeds, onto others represents a psychological defense that, while it may protect our ego, typically creates far more problems than it solves.  What I’d like to clarify in this post is that a good deal of our anger is motivated by a desire not to experience guilt—and beyond this, the distressing emotions of hurt and fear.  It’s by now generally agreed upon that anger, as prevalent as it is in our species, is almost never a primary emotion. For underlying it are such core hurts as feeling disregarded, unimportant, accused, guilty, untrustworthy, devalued, rejected, powerless, and unlovable.  And these feelings are capable of engendering considerable emotional pain.  It’s therefore understandable that so many of us might go to great lengths to find ways of distancing ourselves from them.  In fact, those of us who routinely use anger as a “cover-up” to keep our more vulnerable feelings at bay, generally become so adept at doing so that we have little to no awareness of the dynamic driving our behavior.  As I’ve discussed in earlier posts on the subject, anger is the emotion of invulnerability.  Even though the self-empowerment (read, “adrenaline rush”) it immediately offers is bogus, it can yet be extremely tempting to get “attached”—or even “addicted”—to it if we frequently experience another as threatening the way we need to see ourselves (e.g., as important, trustworthy, lovable, etc.).
After all, this is how all psychological defenses work. Simply put, they allow us to escape upsetting, shameful, or anxiety-laden feelings we may not have developed the emotional resources—or ego strength—to successfully cope with.

End of quote.

The many article on anger helped me understand H’s anger better and not take his outbursts personally.  It did also help me practice my personal philosophy: ‘If I can understand what others are going through, I will have more empathy them, especially when they lash out.’

It is a long post...  I would love to talk about my resentment and the positive effects of diminishing it (on me and R) in the next post. 

 
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: My life is not defined by a live-in MLCer 8
« Reply #21 on: June 14, 2018, 07:05:21 AM »
Acorn
The quote on anger , well that explains alot why our spouses spew at us.
That helps on both sides. Understanding them, and why they do it.
So true, why WE would do it. But only thing, we are rational people, ha. We feel bad when we do, and show it. They don't.

Online Nevertoomuch85

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Re: My life is not defined by a live-in MLCer 8
« Reply #22 on: June 14, 2018, 07:28:22 AM »
Acorn. I am so glad you posted this. This is a great way of processing your feelings. This is exactly what I need to do. Instead of running my brain ragged analyzing everything I should just deal with the feelings that I'm having. Thank you for this. Riding along with you.

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: My life is not defined by a live-in MLCer 8
« Reply #23 on: June 14, 2018, 10:55:27 AM »
Great post Acorn! I’ve always known that anger is rooted in fear. But to see all of the other primary emotions it covers up is really enlightening. I can see why understanding this concept helps when dealing with our spouses. And when that outburst occurs, we know even more not to take it personally.

“God made me and I define myself.” Love this!! You are amazing Acorn.
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline GonerinGhana

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Re: My life is not defined by a live-in MLCer 8
« Reply #24 on: June 14, 2018, 10:59:32 PM »
I found an old post from Albatross about projection on another thread that is useful:
Withdrawing projection

1. Stage
In the first stage, we are convinced that what we are unconsciously projecting is true of the other. When we fall in love, for example, we are certain the other (about whom we almost never really know anything) is the most extraordinary being on the face of the planet. We are projecting the desirable and desired qualities of the inner Other (the soul) and/or the desirable qualities of someone from our past.

2. Stage
In stage two, we become increasingly and shockingly aware of the discrepancy between who we thought the other was (and was supposed to be) and who they are turning out to be. We become certain there must be something wrong with the other and we attempt to control them, change them, fix them. Now we are projecting onto the other the negative qualities of the inner Other and/or the person from our past.

3. Stage
The third stage requires us, for the first time, to really look at the other, to see more clearly who they are, and to begin to ask what is actually going on in our relationship.

4. Stage
In stage four, we withdraw the projections by recognizing that we were in fact projecting, that what we thought was the outer Other was actually, in part, the inner and/or the person from our past.

5. Stage
And, finally, in stage five, through our inner work, we come to see exactly what it was in us we were projecting in the first place, and why.

Offline seahorse

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Re: My life is not defined by a live-in MLCer 8
« Reply #25 on: June 16, 2018, 08:09:34 AM »
Acorn:  Attaching...
GLad that all the graduations went well.
Like you, my H took a picture with our S23 at graduation, but none of them included me.
Hurtful but not surprised, to me.

The snip from the Anger article was really good.  I’ve always said that I had previously posted hurtful things about H out of Anger, but now realize that the anger was from being hurt, rejected, etc.
Thanks for the great insight, as always.
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline AcornTopic starter

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Re: My life is not defined by a live-in MLCer 8
« Reply #26 on: June 18, 2018, 09:08:00 AM »
Thank you, Helping, Never85, KIT, Seahorse, for reading and commenting!
Goner, that quote is very helpful to me.  Thank you!

————
I have a story to share.

A lady in her mid-40’s we know well has gone nuts.  She has moved into the basement in her house, severed ties with the people in her life, going to the bar (unthinkable before), very angry at the world, etc.  Sounds like MLC to me.

Anyway, I happened to talk to a friend who was familiar with this lady’s situation while H waitied in the car.  I hopped in the car and briefly talked about my concerns about the lady’s H and their children. H knows that this lady dropped all communcactions with people she used to have a lot to do with.  I told him that the teachers at school were concerned at the obvious signs of neglect in her children and started the ball rolling, resulting in her ‘outing’ her anger and rebellion. 

H asked if she was still living at home.  (Oh, H, you put your foot in it!)  I said, ‘Yes, she moved into the basement.’  H was silent.  I wonder why!  ;D  Some of you may remember that my H moved into the 3rd floor MLC suite the day after BD. 

I love truth darts when H is the one loading the bow, aim at himself and shoot!
————

In my last post I wrote about anger as related to H’s intense anger and occasional spews during high replay.

Now I turn my attention to my anger and resentment.  I don’t tend to hold onto anger or resentment. I’m apt to shrug my shoulders, say ‘O well’, and move on.   My anger when I discovered A is understandable.  However, it turned into resentment which was unfamiliar feeling to me and caused me much emotional discomfort.  I had to understand it.  The following quote described my anger well.

Anger is a normal, natural emotion. In many situations, it’s a healthy and appropriate emotional reaction. Anger is an emotional response to a real or imagined “wrong” or injustice, but sometimes people get angry simply because things don’t go the way they would like. Anger takes place in the present, when life isn’t going the way we think it should.  In this way, anger has a corrosive effect — it is a “fight” against present-moment reality, a refusal to accept what is.  As Mark Twain put it, “Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.” - Dan Major

Yes, my initial anger was justified.  After all, it was because of H’s betrayal and deceptions.  However, another reason for it was that my life changed and didn’t go the way I expected, and not due to my own doing.  That made me  >:(  and My anger morphed into resentment.  The following quote described what I felt and how I came to see this unhelpful and corrosive emotion. 

Resentment is closely related to anger. Resentments are negative feelings, basically ill will, toward someone or something that emanates from the past. Resentment is the re-experiencing of past injustices — real or perceived — and the old feelings of anger connected to them. Resentments form when people get angry toward a person, institution, or situation, and steadfastly hold on to that anger.
Some people hold resentments for many years, refusing to let go of them.  Over time, whatever caused the original anger and led to the resentment may be forgotten, while the resentment remains, like a still smouldering ember left after the flames of a fire die down. The fire no longer rages, but the ember remains hot and at risk of the fire to reignite until it is extinguished.

There is a saying that when you resent somebody, you become his or her slave. The stronger the resentment is, the more time you spend thinking about it, caught up in the anger connected to it. This is a form of mental, emotional, and spiritual bondage.  Ultimately, the person holding the resentment is the one who suffers most. Consistent with the 12-step adage, “Holding a resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”  Although of course there are times when anger and resentment are appropriate and justified, often they are built on a foundation of distorted belief that others should or must act the way you want them to.  If you allow yourself to become angry or resentful whenever situations don’t go the way you prefer, then you are effectively giving control of your feelings to others.  It’s similar to using a remote control to change channels on the TV.  If your feelings depend on how other people behave, you are giving them the remote control to your emotions.


In hindsight  ;) I can see how resolving my resentment (well, most of it) was the first step in my detachment journey and facilitated gaining my emotional equilibrium little by little.  Being freed from the slavery of resentment was the catalyst in opening my eyes to many blessings around me, encouraging me to have more empathy toward H and his emotional agony, and appreciate the quiet joy that is within me. 

In the next post, I hope to share how to let go of resentment as applied to me. 

Thank you for reading such a long post...

« Last Edit: June 18, 2018, 09:13:19 AM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Online RedStar

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Re: My life is not defined by a live-in MLCer 8
« Reply #27 on: June 18, 2018, 09:32:28 AM »
Acorn, this is great stuff you are posting about anger and resentment, especially as it relates to our own.

And, with the stuff about resentment, I can't help but consider my H's (and probably all of our MLCers') inability to let go of or work through certain resentments that they allowed to help corrode their love for us by just holding them in. He mentioned a couple of these only after BD. Very immature of them...but typical of these avoidant types. Just like the quote says, they gave us too much power over them--without us even knowing it--and then they resented us for their feelings of being in "mental, emotional, and spiritual bondage." It wasn't us...it was them.

I really, really hope that all our partners/ex-partners learn better coping skills than this. I am able to ask mine questions that fall under the category of "R talk" and he is able to flat-out state that he doesn't want to deal with anything that isn't "easy" in the emotional realm. He's only just started his journey, so of course that's where he is right now. I'm really interested to see if he will grow, if I am privy to any of it going forward.

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: My life is not defined by a live-in MLCer 8
« Reply #28 on: June 18, 2018, 03:27:18 PM »
Acorn

Lovely post, in particular the story about the lady going nuts. Her poor husband, and your H walking right in to asking where she is living!

Do you mind me asking, are you still ‘dating’ - going to concerts with H? And i assume it was your H that initiated those in the beginning of reconnection? Did you say yes straight away or play a bit harder to get?

Thanks for answering my last questions too. Not sure if I posted but I did read them!

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Oct 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline Milly

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Re: My life is not defined by a live-in MLCer 8
« Reply #29 on: June 18, 2018, 03:31:23 PM »
Acorn, thanks for this post on anger and resentment. It makes a lot of sense to me personally this week as you know.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D23, D20, S13
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

 

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