Author Topic: My Story The Beautiful Things We Miss  (Read 4301 times)

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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My Story The Beautiful Things We Miss
« on: June 08, 2018, 12:37:24 PM »
As has been the theme throughout most of my threads, my thread title is a song.  I have heard it several times, the first being on my Dad's birthday April 30th, and it really touched a chord with me.  It immediately brought our MLCers to mind.  It breaks my heart that they don't SEE what they are missing out on, having broken a family.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4_m0BBQSd34

At the end of my last thread, I spoke about my decision to remain with my current job.  I had been looking at a full-time job that my former neighbor had sent to me, but just a few hours before I got a call from my Principal, I had spoke on the phone to her and she had said some things that were a red flag on that job to me.  I don't think that was coincidence that it happened that way right before getting the call.  Anyway, they offered me an extra hour a day to do the job that I have been volunteering on.  All of us paras are also getting a wage increase, which will just about cover what I will be losing in child support income from S18.  We live pretty humbly and simply, but still have had the opportunity to travel, and we have a lot of things that don't cost a lot of money around here to do.

I feel good about my decision.  And, this was a plan that my H and I had made together, that I would work a job such as this while the kids were still in the home.  I had bristled a bit about the unfairness of having to change my plans just because he changed his.  It looks like I can hold out for at least another school year.  And other opportunities for some part-time income continue to blow my way.

I haven't recapped in my last few threads, so I'll do a quick re-cap for any newbies that have started to follow my story.

My BD was in Dec 2015, just 2 short weeks after my 14th wedding anniversary, and about 2 weeks before Christmas.  Looking back now, I can see some behaviors in my H that led up to this.  We were married when my S18 was 18 months old, and my S18 has had both MLCer and his F in his life all these years.  I also have a D16 and an S13 with MLCer.  D16 arrived 6 months after our wedding.

Unlike a lot of MLCers, D was not dragged out.  My xH got his D just 4 short months after BD.  I have struggled with how quick he was to D and how final that feels.  But, in a lot of ways, having that D done early has been a blessing in disguise.  It has saved me in the long run, as I see the devastation that these MLCers leave in the wake.

Right before the 2 year mark of our D, in April of this year, I was toying with the idea of dating.  I had become extremely disgusted with some rumored antics of my xH and had debated ending my stand.  Some admiration thrown my way by an x-boyfriend, gave me the warm fuzzy feelings of being noticed.  However, there were some red flags and I quickly realized that this guy was a MLCer himself.  Shortly after this, my S18 (17 at the time) ended up in the hospital after an attempted suicide.  This threw me into a very dark place for a while.  I was even angry with God, and wondering how much more pain and devastation could we endure.  My feelings were definitely misplaced, but thank God that he can take the good, the bad, and the ugly of our feeling's and that we can be genuine!  My S18 is doing MUCH better, and this little side trip has helped him to open up, and I can see the growth in him as he works through this tough spot he felt himself in.  Since then, he has graduated, ditched the girl that was a huge catalyst for his emotions, and is enrolled in the local University, going to be living on campus come August.  I have seen some confidence in him that he didn't have before, and through the fire, through the pain, he has grown.

Something I hadn't mentioned in my last thread.  My xH had spent some time with us at S's father's house for graduation, and their dog did not like him one bit.  He got nipped by their dog about 3-4 times while we were hanging out cleaning up from the party the night before.  This dog has spent time around him before the crisis with no problems, so it was interesting to me that this dog had a problem with him.  I believe that animals sense things, and are a good judge of character.

As for standing, I am extremely conflicted and confused.  I feel like I am a weak domino, to be blown over by the admiration of a man, from the extreme lack of that very thing in my life the last few years.  And yet, I have felt like God has asked me to be still, and to wait.  In some ways, I feel that I am being disobedient to Him if I don't.  I know this is all part of my journey, and that's where I'm at today. 

What I do know is that, like that dog, I have absolutely no admiration for the man that my xH is right now.  I am disgusted by his lack of morals, integrity, and honesty.  If I were to meet a man like him today, I would not be attracted to that.

What I also know, is that God can change and refine a person and that who he is today, does not define who he might be in the future.  And that I need to continue to forgive, and not harbor resentment, and give grace where grace is due.

So, I just continue to do my thing, trusting in God for myself and my children's future.

I am enjoying this phase of life with them.  And I'm not interested in bringing anyone into their lives, to complicate things, that's for sure.  If anything, just a casual coffee or dinner out, MAYBE.  But I am enjoying my alone time, making the best of a bad situation.  I have met some LBS's, and I have a large network of family and friends that I have been blessed with.  I am viewing this whole TIME thing as a gift, and am adventuring.  I get giddy with the possibility of travel (as cheaply as possible mind you) and meeting some of you.  Gentle reminder to myself:  Apply for that passport already!

What I do know is that I am very thankful to find HS, which was a few months after the D was final in '16.  When no one in real life understands the complete lasting impact that such a traumatic event has and continues to have on our lives, there are all you lovely people to remind me that I'm not crazy.   8)

Last thread:
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9907.0#new
M-40
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-13
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10203.msg671589#msg671589

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Offline Kitty

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Re: The Beautiful Things We Miss
« Reply #1 on: June 08, 2018, 12:44:29 PM »
Following along Faith.
Me 38; H 42
Together 21 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD - Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
8/31/18 - I was served, Grumpy has started His D.
9/28/18 - Grumpy doesn’t want D, paperwork sent to dissolve D petition.
1/3/19 - Back to having his D.

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: The Beautiful Things We Miss
« Reply #2 on: June 08, 2018, 03:18:41 PM »
Still hanging around with you, FW! 

I'm so glad that you are going to continue to work in the school.  The education system really needs people like you there working with kids.  Yay! 

Get your passport!  Who knows when something will come along that we can afford to attend!! 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline Thunder

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Re: The Beautiful Things We Miss
« Reply #3 on: June 09, 2018, 09:07:30 AM »
Attaching Faith.

I do follow along with your story.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline FearNot

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Re: The Beautiful Things We Miss
« Reply #4 on: June 10, 2018, 02:13:57 PM »
Attaching FW! Love the song! Great message! I have it on my play list as well.

 Awesome to hear about your job! Congrats! I don't think the call was a coincidence either!


What I also know, is that God can change and refine a person and that who he is today, does not define who he might be in the future.  And that I need to continue to forgive, and not harbor resentment, and give grace where grace is due.


The beauty of this statement you made is that is applies to us as well. We won't be the same people in the future either and being an LBS doesn't define us! Forgiveness and grace not only toward our spouses but ourselves as well. What awesome gifts from God!
M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: The Beautiful Things We Miss
« Reply #5 on: June 11, 2018, 05:14:34 AM »
Hi FW,

Glad to see that the school was able to up your hours a bit. that is NOT a given in the current environment...  It shows that you are doing valuable work that has been seen.....

UM
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: The Beautiful Things We Miss
« Reply #6 on: June 11, 2018, 04:22:55 PM »
Thank you everyone, welcome aboard.  Had a great weekend with the two younger kids before sending them off to their F's.

Saturday we had lunch with my B's family and then went out to the lake together, minus my nephew 14.  My BFF and her kids joined us.  It was quite windy, so I got my workout paddle boarding, but it was a great day.  S13 and B's family got tired of the wind before the rest of us, so S13 went home with them, and ended up spending the night.  My BFF's daughters ended up at our house overnight, and then after Church on Sunday we went and hung out at BFF's and the kids swam in her above ground pool.

Sunday night xH picked up the kids and informed that his M and F were coming to take them on Tue and spend Tue-Fri with them up at the cabin, bringing them back on Fri in time for xH to spend the weekend with them.  I'm glad, they will have a lot of fun and it gives them some grandparent (and cabin) time.  Some things that xH said bothered me, though I am not good at snappy comebacks, and didn't get the chance to speak out, I woke up this morning pretty miffed about the whole thing.  He was very critical towards my nephew 14, nephew 17 and my B's parenting.  Absolutely no growth was shown in his offhand statements, which kind of threw me right back into one of the things that bothered me in the past.  He and my B were best friends, until one day they just weren't anymore.  MLC H just suddenly distanced himself and was very critical.  So, yeah, I don't think he's done any mirror work.  To meet it felt hurtful because it just felt like another way that he has passed judgment upon my family while turning a blind eye to any imperfections in his own family.  It also added another layer of pain to his rejection of me.  I know it probably has a lot to do with the crisis, but it still hurt.  If there is a next time, I will be prepared for it and I will be prepared to shut him down.  I don't need to be hearing statements about my family from him.  We aren't in that place anymore.

Today I drove my M down to her former town to move stuff from her storage unit into one that is right next door to her apartment complex.  My Aunt met us there and the 3 of us worked together.  We fit a lot more stuff in my vehicle than she would have in hers, and got a load in my Aun'ts truck for the dump as well.  She should be able to make a few smaller trips in her vehicle and then early next week if she needs me one more time, I'll help her.  Tomorrow is her 72nd birthday.  While on the cruise, my B and I were given some glimpses into just a wee bit of confusion now and then.  I was also able to resolve a few things that we had disagreed on lately.  Never got a full apology, but in her roundabout way I think she was, so I'll leave it at that.
M-40
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-13
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10203.msg671589#msg671589

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: The Beautiful Things We Miss
« Reply #7 on: June 12, 2018, 01:14:51 PM »
Mourning my H today.  Shed a few tears for the H I fell in love with long ago. 

These moments still seem to come and go, and we are 30 months from BD.

I will shake myself out of it.  Headed to kickboxing at 4:30, and then on to orientation for my festival job, where I will refresh on my training, pick up my wristband, and get my parking pass.  Hoping that my booth is near the stage like last year, so that I can hear some of the music.  A lot of top Country artists.

I'm headed to lunch tomorrow with an old roommate that I lived with (her and 2 other girls), gosh it's been at least 20 years since we lived together.  We've ran into each other now and again and are friends on FB.  She's seemed kind of sad in the last few months in some of her posts, so something prompted me to reach out to her.
M-40
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-13
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10203.msg671589#msg671589

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Offline heroIam

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Re: The Beautiful Things We Miss
« Reply #8 on: June 12, 2018, 02:06:30 PM »
Following along FW.
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline Still Half full

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Re: The Beautiful Things We Miss
« Reply #9 on: June 12, 2018, 04:19:05 PM »
Following along FW

The sadness does still come and knock us for six, the good thing is that we now know we will have better days again, I didn't ever imagine I'd be able to be happy again, but we're strong and we do survive

It sounds like you've got a lovely busy life and you should be proud of how well you cope 😊
At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H living with ow again
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

 

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