Author Topic:  The Order of Reconnection  (Read 2048 times)

Offline Not Your MonkeyTopic starter

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The Order of Reconnection
« on: June 09, 2018, 12:22:34 AM »
We all know about the order of reconnection. But most discussions here seem to be focused on the reconnection with the LBS or the kids and ignoring the steps that come before it.

I have always said that I would know my husband was starting on the reconnection path when he started following the news again, and he finally has done that starting a week or two ago. He seems to now be reading the news everyday although he has only discussed one news story with me, something involving his favorite animal. He also has reconnected with his laptop, which he barely touched for the past 1.5-2 years. He always used to love to delve deep into all the Windows settings and poke around and he has spent the last couple days doing that all day long, asking me for help with it, all typical pre-MLC behavior. At one point last year though when he used his laptop he got angry and said how much he hated Windows 10 and left it again. He also finished his masters exams shortly before all this occurred and that may have been psychologically holding him back from these hobbies, but I would like to hear others' stories about their MLCer's first forays into reconnecting with their old life.

I should say simultaneously, my H suddenly became obsessed with what seems to be a new childhood issue he is dealing with around the same time he started reading the news again. He seems to have filed away quite a few of them in the past year and a half (I have counted at least 7-8 distinct issues that he has either worked out on me, MIL and/or OW, some seemingly small and others more general) but it's clear he is NOT through with his issues nor the monstering behavior associated with them. So I am also wondering if others have seen their spouses on these multi-track trajectories where they are clearly still deep in their issues but also returning to their old life.
« Last Edit: June 09, 2018, 12:37:06 AM by GonerinGhana »
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Offline Thunder

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Re: The Order of Reconnection
« Reply #1 on: June 09, 2018, 06:49:32 AM »
Goner, I'm not sure this answers your question, but when my H started coming out of his crisis I notices these changes:

He went back to his "normal" kind of music (70's and softer rock), not the hard, heavy metal music he got into.
He started dressing normal, no more 15 year old clothing.
No more obsessing in the mirror.  Stopped using all those skin creams.
Stop, almost completely, working out like a maniac.
Stopped cutting all his gray hair off.
More depressed than before, exhausted all the time.  Working things out in his head?  IDK
Eyes were back to normal.

Just a few things I remember.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Acorn

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Re: The Order of Reconnection
« Reply #2 on: June 09, 2018, 07:31:13 AM »
An interesting topic, Goner.

With my H, he seemed to take notice of little things that he reconnected with/noticed/resurrected as he was losing the shark eyes.  Ditching his MLC music and going back to pre-MLC choices, noticing that we actually have a garden that needed some TLC and doing something about it, more interest in pre-MLC hobbies.  While this was going on, he made some attempts at showing interest in the kids’ lives. 

When I first gave into acknowledging that he was actually starting to wake up from the nightmare was when he lowered his guard gradually and started to listen to sermons and afterwards talking about them without rebellious attitude and belligerence that he used to have.

It seems his reconnecting process is a smorgasbord of every aspect of his life.  It was/is not linear.  If I’m forced to state the order of reconnecting, I would say that he took notice of the ‘safe’ THINGS and habits and then resurrected them - friends - his FOO - the kids - a little foray into reconneting with me. 

Basically, returning to his pre-MLC life while dealing with his FOO issues, holding onto some Escape and Avoid behaviours, and keeping me at arm’s length (literally and figuratively).

Nothing is clear cut.  Many aspects of reconnecing overlap, the intensity up and down, forward and backward steps, great push forward and then nothing.  It was too dizzy to take all that in, so, I’m leaving him to it.  Good luck and all the best, H! 
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Offline Anjae

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Re: The Order of Reconnection
« Reply #3 on: June 09, 2018, 05:42:06 PM »
We do talk about those other signs, but when we tend to resume the matter in pets, kids, LBS. Which does not even work if there are no pets or kids.

I have been writing for a while that Mr. J started to go back to the type of music he used to like pre-MLC. He still likes the electronic dance type, and still djs that type. But now mix genres more.

Still, that does not mean much. He has been doing it since about 2014. Still in Replay, still djing, still clubbing, still with OW2, still with a scruffy beard.

A MCLer may show signs of change and it may not mean Replay is ending. It may just be a moment in Replay. Or it may not. Only hindsight will tell.


Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline DianaDeBelflor

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Re: The Order of Reconnection
« Reply #4 on: June 09, 2018, 05:43:55 PM »
Still in Replay, still djing, still clubbing, still with OW2, still with a scruffy beard.
I'm scared to ask... Anjae, how old is this man?

Offline Anjae

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Re: The Order of Reconnection
« Reply #5 on: June 09, 2018, 05:50:37 PM »
48, will be 49 by the end of the year. Was 36, about to be 39 when he left.

No need to be scared. He is not that old for an MLCer, and was quite young at first. Nor for a DJ or clubber. No shortage of any on their 60s.

He also isn't worst than most MLCers when it comes to looks.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline DianaDeBelflor

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Re: The Order of Reconnection
« Reply #6 on: June 09, 2018, 10:01:13 PM »
48, will be 49 by the end of the year. Was 36, about to be 39 when he left.

No need to be scared. He is not that old for an MLCer, and was quite young at first. Nor for a DJ or clubber. No shortage of any on their 60s.

He also isn't worst than most MLCers when it comes to looks.
Oh, I'm not saying that there aren't guys who are older doing the same thing, but I sometimes wonder if these men know how most women my age see them... *spoiler alert: it's not how they think we see them*

Offline Thunder

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Re: The Order of Reconnection
« Reply #7 on: June 10, 2018, 06:37:48 AM »
Diana, you are talking about healthy, normal women your age.  There are a lot of them who are broken or have daddy issues who would look at them, differently.   Otherwise where would these older men find these young women so willing to date them and break up their marriage?  It could even be they have a need to be taken care of by a man who has money.

All kinds of people out there.   ::) ::)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Reallytrying

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Re: The Order of Reconnection
« Reply #8 on: June 10, 2018, 07:32:37 AM »
The thing with this is that behaviors can look like reconnection for years. My H begs showing signs of reconnection once I found out about OW almost 3 years ago. In the past year he’s taken interest in my charity activities, etc. He has always stayed connected with the news and his work. The past 6 months he has been reconnecting with S - taking him to his sports and inviting S along on his replay activities. This week he would have looked like he was reconnecting with us all. In particular with taking care of the house. But he’s still moving in with OW in a few weeks so it’s dangerous to think these are reconnecting behaviors until it’s in the rear view mirror.   We are coming up on 5 years post BD - lots of evidence that replay is slowing down on one hand but spiraling on the other. All of this could be reconnecting. Just important to know that the stage can go on for some time and that the beginning of reconnection doesn’t mean replay is over.

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Re: The Order of Reconnection
« Reply #9 on: June 10, 2018, 07:40:03 AM »
Quote
it’s dangerous to think these are reconnecting behaviors until it’s in the rear view mirror. 

I was going to say the same thing.  I think you will know in hindsight when true reconnection has been happening. 

Offline DianaDeBelflor

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Re: The Order of Reconnection
« Reply #10 on: June 10, 2018, 08:20:54 AM »
Diana, you are talking about healthy, normal women your age.  There are a lot of them who are broken or have daddy issues who would look at them, differently.   Otherwise where would these older men find these young women so willing to date them and break up their marriage?  It could even be they have a need to be taken care of by a man who has money.

All kinds of people out there.   ::) ::)
Oh, I know I am!


So, my husband's father went through a huuuuuge MLC and left my MIL with a newborn (my husband) after 19 years of marriage. He hoed around and then, after the divorce was final, found himself a wife who's basically 100% opposite of my MIL: plain in attire, docile, servile, helpless, dependent, hypochondriac, not particularly bright, not ambitious, willing to choose financial insecurity in order to move with him to the middle of nowhere, etc. But nice enough lady (which is to be expected, she was never his OW--some other hoe was).

Think the story ends there? Think again!

In 2015 we find out that his wife has cancer. Not terminal, but the lady was very weak and could barely get herself from dining room to the couch. In 2016, we find out that he has a girlfriend and they're claiming that the girlfriend is his "second wife" (as in "Hi, I'm Dirtbag Senior and I have 2 wives"). Now, the man was 65-ish at the time. Girlfriend was 30--two years older than his son was at the time!!! The wife allegedly consented to this, but what kind of consent can a helpless cancer patient give when her only caretaker wants to do something?

What was this girlfriend like? Extremely unattractive, morbidly obese, no education, and (judging by the picture) with a committed habit to never showering more than once a week. In her early 60s, my MIL looks 100 times better than the girlfriend that my husband's father was cheating on Wife 2.0 with. Hell, Wife 2.0 WITH her cancer looked better because she never stopped looking like a woman who is allowed into respectable homes and gardens!

The story ended poetically. The girlfriend died of a heart attack. Really. He found himself a younger women to replace the wife he wrote off for dead and the OW was the first to die.

I'm not a terrible person. I'm not. At least I try not to be. But I laughed so hard! The Facebook obituary that he posted for her assuaged me of any guilt I might have felt for laughing: in it, she was referred to as his "wife" and given his last name as if they were actually married.



My grandfather's former best friend left his wife of 30 years for an escort who is a couple of years younger than his daughter. The day my grandfather found this out was the day that he removed this friend's number from the contacts list. They have not spoken since.



So, really, I suspect that they go out looking for normal women my age, see the horrified look on our faces, and then lower the bar to "women my age" (nevermind that whole "normal" bit). And the rest of the world watches with this expression:  :o

Offline Acorn

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Re: The Order of Reconnection
« Reply #11 on: June 10, 2018, 09:10:18 AM »
I guess it comes down to the same old ‘No Expectations’, whether it be reconnection or not, replay or not, how far along the tunnel, etc.  Even if H makes reconnection with, say, the kids, and their R is fully restored, it does not follow that H will do the same with me.   My present philosophy is that if some positive actions of H are put in front of my eyes, I should enjoy the moment and then turn my eyes away from them and go live my life.   In my thinking, it is no use putting myself in the queue of reconnecting based on other people’s stories.  If it happens, it happens.  Who knows, H might stop at getting reaquainted with the front door and then call it a day. 

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Online trusting

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Re: The Order of Reconnection
« Reply #12 on: June 10, 2018, 09:32:07 AM »
Quote
I guess it comes down to the same old ‘No Expectations’, whether it be reconnection or not, replay or not, how far along the tunnel, etc.

Yes.  I found that trying to figure out where he was in the tunnel, whether his actions meant anything, etc. was just crazy-making and keeps you sucked into their MLC.

Offline Not Your MonkeyTopic starter

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Re: The Order of Reconnection
« Reply #13 on: August 09, 2018, 12:38:01 AM »
I had a very long, wide ranging and honest conversation with my H two days ago. I won't go into all the details because they are beyond the scope of this discussion, but there was something relevant he said to me. He was trying to show me how his behavior with me was not unique, how he was controlling everyone's access and interaction with him. He told me he does it with people outside the home, strangers, and then he went on to say, "I don't have any friends. I haven't talked to my half brother in over a year, my brother 6 months. Did you notice they didn't even come to greet us on the holiday? I barely see my sisters except when they come to visit occasionally." In short, he rattled off a laundry list of how he has disconnected from EVERYONE.
Beware fellow LBSes serving Kool-Aid. You will attract many who will tell you what you want to hear, but it may be very very far from the truth.

Offline Not Your MonkeyTopic starter

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Re: The Order of Reconnection
« Reply #14 on: August 14, 2018, 02:10:37 AM »
Here's a question for all of you. There's something I have never seen when the order of reconnection is discussed and that is God/religion. My H was never one to pray much as long as we were married (I know he was when he was a teenager/younger though), but I have noticed that he has really started praying a lot in the last few days. I'm wondering others' experiences with this. Where did religiosity/connection with God get reestablished relative to other reconnections?
Beware fellow LBSes serving Kool-Aid. You will attract many who will tell you what you want to hear, but it may be very very far from the truth.

Offline Nerissa

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Re: The Order of Reconnection
« Reply #15 on: August 14, 2018, 03:43:34 AM »
I think after b.D., my H realised (or it was  discussed in therapy) that he lacked connection with people.  It’s true. He is well Liked as a manager but isn’t close to friends.  His children and I were his focus and then work became more and more important.

So he turned to Eastern religions and philosophies, not just as a pastime, but he genuinely worked at it: read widely and attended retreats.  More recently went to try ayahuasca st a Buddhist retreat in South America. It’s a psychedelic plant that is supposed to help dissolve the ego, bring up repressed emotions and memories and increase connection and love.

He certainly felt love on his return - (for the ow!). However I think much was the ‘afterglow’. It still takes hard work to integrate insight and make changes, just as in therapy.  He was babbling about healing people with ayahuasca in future.  This from a corporate lawyer who didn’t want to be a doctor or do family law because you had to deal with whinging people and their personal problems.  I doubt it’s going to happen unless he is permanently under the influence

He’s going again.  I wonder what will come about this time?

Anyway, I suppose the point I want to make is that he is aware there is some dysfunction in the way he loves currently.  I had t been aware of it earlier in our lives, but am now.  He asked me after b.D., several times, if I felt he had the capacity to love and I saw that it googled it too.  He is clearly bothered by some kind of emotional deadness. 

Therapeutic literature seems to point towards a higher power to help with life’s issues so I think any mlc er who moves towards this is tacitly acknowledging unrest and a wish to be different.  It think it must be a good move?

Offline angylgrl

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Re: The Order of Reconnection
« Reply #16 on: August 14, 2018, 06:54:32 AM »
My husband took his Christian faith pretty seriously and now will turn off christian music I have playing and has stopped going to church.  I think from a Christian perspective faith and values increases the guilt so also has to be given up.  Its hard to see the good parts in someone get replaced. 

Offline Not Your MonkeyTopic starter

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Re: The Order of Reconnection
« Reply #17 on: August 14, 2018, 07:08:25 AM »
Angygrl, where is your husband in the whole process though?

If you read the demonic possession thread, you will see that 16 months ago my H was literally throwing a religious book on the floor as if he was possessed by the devil and couldn't bare to even see it sitting on my nightstand. In some cases, they may "disconnect" from God/religion and then reconnect. I'm just wondering where that often falls in the process, before the pets, after the pets, etc etc?
Beware fellow LBSes serving Kool-Aid. You will attract many who will tell you what you want to hear, but it may be very very far from the truth.

Offline OldPilot

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Re: The Order of Reconnection
« Reply #18 on: August 14, 2018, 07:21:19 AM »
I'm just wondering where that often falls in the process, before the pets, after the pets, etc etc?
My opinion would be before pets.
But it would be best to see this in the rear view mirror and not as it is happening and different people might have different results.

Offline Acorn

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Re: The Order of Reconnection
« Reply #19 on: August 14, 2018, 07:29:03 AM »
H does not share a whole lot about his inner thoughts.  So, I go by his actions.  What I’m about to share is not based on his confession as such but his behaviour at home and church.

He started reconnecting with his FOO, especially the pastor brother.  Lots of convos which I”m not privy to. 

While this was going on, he started showing interest in our kids’ lives.  ‘Duty-bound’ kind of interest.
His body language at church improved at the same time.  From that of slouching insolent teenager to more civilized posture.  (No more chewing gum.  I kid you not.  I was afraid that he would chew bubble gums...)

He has been truly interested in the kids, house maintenance, friends, FOO, since last December and, at the same time, he started reading the Bible at dinner table and praying in a heartfelt way, not just mouthing the words.

As you can surmise from what I just related, reconnecting with God came WITH most aspects of his life.  I’m truly the last one in his reconnecting.  A few steps behind every other person/things. 

It is true what they about the spouse being the last in line in reconnecting. 
« Last Edit: August 14, 2018, 07:30:07 AM by Acorn »
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Online megogirl

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Re: The Order of Reconnection
« Reply #20 on: August 14, 2018, 07:47:21 AM »
They have to disconnect from religion....the very presence of the OP breaks FIVE of the Ten Commandments!

They don't belong anywhere near a church, and they know it.

It's fun to throw truth darts around Christmas, Easter, etc.....

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Re: The Order of Reconnection
« Reply #21 on: August 14, 2018, 10:17:52 AM »
My xh was a lay elder and church life and his faith (or at least the appearance of it) was incredibly important to him...he was even considering if he had a vocation to become a vicar  ::)
post-BD he decided God did not exist...and would not set foot in a church
his new marriage was a civil hand fasting in a field...i've even wondered actually if they are legally married, could have just done the ceremony as a public ritual, no idea and makes no difference to me.
i suspect that it is all part of them throwing all the bits of their life up in the air in an effort to figure out which ones drop and stick...my last 'nasty note' did have a photo of them at a golf event so apparently he's started playing golf again...(but he was always rubbish so may need divine intervention there LOL)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
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Offline Bewildered survivor

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Re: The Order of Reconnection
« Reply #22 on: August 14, 2018, 10:58:40 AM »
My Hindu H although not overly religious always did a prayer in the morning and listened to a prayer in his car whenever setting off on a journey.  The girls have recently told me how daddy doesn’t listen to it anymore as he now listens to a popular radio station that plays hip hop and when we pray at night and hes there he will make sure hes in another room.

I remember how he learnt a whole prayer to impress my religious grandma when we were dating so he could convince her to give us her blessings to get married....so maybe never was religious in the first place...just became so to fit in with me.

As a Hindu he also never ate beef but I saw beef burgers on our online shopping account once....so now hes obviously become faithless and moraless to fit in with OW.

I cant see my H ever reconnecting with his religious beliefs...but one day he may have no one else but god to turn to so who knows....

Offline BBhelp

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Re: The Order of Reconnection
« Reply #23 on: August 15, 2018, 09:28:38 AM »
Goner,

My wife started going back to church early in her recovery...but I think it enhanced the guilt & shame.  I think she was looking for forgiveness when she couldn't forgive herself.  He relationship with God and her faith slowly increased again.  And once you saw her learning to forgive herself...she started to find feel and believe in her forgiveness from God as well.  It was another SLOW process but an important step back.

BB
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