Author Topic: Discussion They say they become the opposite...how has yours?  (Read 1150 times)

Offline notdoneyetTopic starter

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Discussion They say they become the opposite...how has yours?
« on: June 09, 2018, 03:19:47 AM »
So my H is home for the weekend and we ordered pizza last night.  One for him and one for my D and I.  He ordered Hawaiian...he has HATED pineapple on his pizza for the past 25 years. I also made us some tea a while ago with milk and sugar and looked at me like I had gone mad because didn't I know that he always takes it black. Duh!

How has yours changed?
« Last Edit: June 09, 2018, 06:08:27 AM by Thunder »

Offline Searching4Answers

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Re: They say they become the opposite...how has yours?
« Reply #1 on: June 09, 2018, 09:50:02 AM »
Have to jump into this thread lol

This was the thing that completely baffled me. It was like he became a complete opposite of everything - it was like something/someone else had taken him over.

  • He had always refused to be photographed. He would actually ridicule people for taking pictures. Then one day he started taking pictures of himself and everything else. It became a hobby. He would take pictures and share them with everyone. It was bizarre.
  • He refused to get a cellphone and again would riducle and mock people that had them. He would go to the hardware store with his uncle and cousin and if they were on their cellphones he would take out his wallet, hold it up to his ear and pretend it was a cellphone just to mock them. He got a cellphone in 2013 - BD was end of Deecemebr 2012. It was very important that his cellphone took good pictures :o
  • Driving... he hated to drive - hated traffic. It was a chore for him to go to family members homes if it was further than a mile. He would do it but he would complain the whole time. Fastforward to right after BD, he is driving to see OW every weekend and she lived 150 miles away one-way. He was driving everywhere regardless of the traffic :o I live in Los Angeles so worst traffic you can imagine.
  • Clothes... there were 4 things that he would wear - Levi's, cargo shorts, white t-shirts and a basic overshirt for work. I tried to vary his wardrobe a few times but he wanted nothing to do with it and rarely did he buy anything for himself. He would tell me what he wanted. After BD, he started shopping for clothes :o he was buying jeans in different shades (not Levi's) colorful shirts, long sleeved dressy shirts, a suit, dress shoes. Along with changing his appearance he took out his tongue ring, started waxing his back and shaving his head.
  • Stopped smoking - obviously this a good thing but stopped cold turkey a few months before BD
  • Became obsessed with exercise. A friend of ours was moving and had a weight bench that he was giving away so I suggested that we take it. He grumbled about it and why do we need it blah, blah, blah. Once we set it up, he started a full on workout schedule. Eventually he started running. But this was all done obsessively.
  • Traveling... besides the whole hate for driving, he refused to get on an airplane since 9/11. He has now flown to several destinations - took OW to Spain, has gone to several other states for random reasons. I am sure there are many places that I am not aware of.
  • Concerts/museums... he hates crowded places so he wouldn't go to any concerts or museums. He started going to concerts regularly a few months after BD and his other new favorite thing was museums. He got into this whole artsy thing. He would take pictures of buildings for the architecture, pictures of famous paintings - he would try to get artistic with how he took pictures.
  • Woodworking... another new hobby. He started buying woodworking tools and building things. He found an online forum where he would post with a bunch guys about woodworking. Eventually he stopped being very active with the woodworking but still hangs out on the forum and shares a lot of his life there. I have always thought that he was substituting the forum for real life because he could be whoever wanted to project and they were the only ones that showed interest in his life. He has completely distanced himself from family and all he has are "new" friends that know nothing of his old life.

I have no contact with my ex so I don't know if he has kept things up or not. I do know that he is not with OW1 but he is looking for a job towards that area but it doesn't have anything to do with her. He pretty much blew that relationship up too.
We all do damage. Character is determined by how we repair it.


BD - December 2012
OW1 confirmed - December 2012 on-and-off for 34 months and counting (still refers to her as just a 'friend')
Wants to live like roommates - November 2013
I moved out - April 2015
H is still checking the anchor

Offline Velika

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Re: They say they become the opposite...how has yours?
« Reply #2 on: June 09, 2018, 10:34:02 AM »
I just was looking this up for someone, and I'm not sure if I have posted it here. This cute animation explores some pretty heavy concept, namely that research into lobotomy patients has shown that we actually have "two" brains. One is silent and one can speak.

I sometimes wonder if MLC involves some type of impairment of this, or allows one of these brains — maybe the more "silent" one — to suddenly go rogue. This might explain in some ways why there is a sort of peculiar "authenticity" to some of our former spouses behavior, even while it seems so shockingly dissimilar from what it was before.

I think before MLC I would have seen my ex as having a very deep consistent core. Now I wonder if I simply didn't have the tools to see what was really there, which was more of a persona that I liked and found dependable, but wasn't truly consistent.

I've had a lot of time to absorb the changes, and at times catch myself feeling nostalgic simply for the days when this all was so shocking, if only because I believed in him and in us then.

My ex also took up woodworking, guitar playing, hunting, truck driving, cooking (initially), styling his hair, wearing too-tight clothing, watching dumb videos (even while driving), becoming a Bernie Sanders enthusiast, coffee (didn't drink it before), wine (couldn't tolerate before), napping, working from home, gossiping, and wanting a second baby. He also for a while spoke to me with a strong regional accent, especially when being nasty to me.

Some of these I think are related to disinhibition and wanting to impress/mirror OW. Some of these may actually simply be his desire to improve himself and explore different sides of himself.

The most shocking like anyone here is just the cruelty and lack of empathy and self-awareness. It seems like before this he would have at least known better than to act a certain way, even if he wanted to. Now he seems to lack insight into his own behavior and its impact on others. (Or if he does — he doesn't share it!)

Offline Anjae

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Re: They say they become the opposite...how has yours?
« Reply #3 on: June 09, 2018, 05:20:38 PM »
We don't have two brains. Our brain have many parts, there a forebrain a midbrain and hindbrain, but that only mean upper, middle and lower. Those three parts have many other parts, and many others inside those. It is like Russian Dolls.

If you perform a lobotomy on someone you remove/cut nearly all the connections to and from the prefrontal cortex, therefore leaving the person a sort of walking vegetable.

- Mr. J never drunk before MLC (aside from on special ocassions, and never more than two drinks). In MLC he got to the point of drinking so much he did not recall a thing that had happened the night/day before. He fall down drunk on his 40th birthday.7

- He never liked octopus or skwid. Now he does.

- He had refused to had a mobile since he had been a supervisor at his pre-MLC job. In MLC, while he was still at home, he got a mobile.

- Stop biting is nails (this is a good one).
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline OffRoad

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Re: They say they become the opposite...how has yours?
« Reply #4 on: June 09, 2018, 06:07:52 PM »
Mine was never afraid of heights. Now he is.
Would never consider leaving our city or living in a non-status neighborhood. Hated the heat. Now lives in a run down trailer in a town in another state where the Temps are over 100 during the summer. Kind of makes sense since he is perpetually cold now (brings creedence to the andropause theory). 
Would not wear "old man" jackets. Now only wears that style, when he only wore leather previously.
Shaves what is left of his hair because he didn't want to be bald. But his hairline(partially receded) hasn't changed since he was 25, and he didn't care before (however, his mother did and made a big deal out of giving him Rogaine on a monthly basis).
He loved his car, but it somehow ended up in an accident. It was replaced with a similar one in orange instead of black because he wanted "a brighter colored car". He still goes on about needing a brighter colored car. He never wanted a brighter colored car before, preferring dark shades.

Lots of little things, too. Used to never go to the doctor, now goes for every hangnail.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline spock

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Re: They say they become the opposite...how has yours?
« Reply #5 on: June 09, 2018, 07:57:12 PM »
  • He had always refused to be photographed. He would actually ridicule people for taking pictures. Then one day he started taking pictures of himself and everything else. It became a hobby. He would take pictures and share them with everyone. It was bizarre.

My MLCer did the same, he rarely take photographs and it's usually me taking photos of us & of him. Now it's just selfies, group selfies, photos of his food, plus he's active on Instagram now which annoys me to no end  >:( I've stopped using FB after the split.

He hated roadtrips and always rejected when our his friends would invite us to go on overnight trips. Now he joins them on a regular basis with lots of photos (bad filters lol)  :o We were together for almost 8 years and the amount of photos he posted these days is triple of what he'd posted during our time together.

He used to hate vodka as it makes him drunk very fast with a bad hangover, preferred drink these days. What is happening?

Posted on Facebook that he would never eat bacon anymore cos well, it's so UNHEALTHY right. But made us some breakfast one time when I stayed over, with lots of bacon which is my fave  ::)
Together since 2009, 7.5 years
- PA with OW1 09/15 (BD1)
- EA with OW2 02/16 (BD2)
I moved out 07/16..

Online RedStar

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Re: They say they become the opposite...how has yours?
« Reply #6 on: June 09, 2018, 09:05:45 PM »
This aspect of MLC has been most baffling but I think is a really good indicator of it.

(Another good thread title might have been "Your H (or W) might be an MLCer if...;D)

Mine (largely in a bid to impress OW and all his new "friends")...

  • disdained cheaters, now he is one
  • vocally disdained FB since it started, now is on it for 20 hours a day clicking LOVE on, and replying with schmoopie lovestruck BS to, anything OW posts
  • disdained crazy drama chicks. OW is a mentally ill, drunk, and unemployed attention wh*r^ (see above)*
  • vocally disdained cigarettes. OW is a smoker, and I think he may have taken smoking up again himself after like 20 years
  • started buying clothes and shoes in a color he said for ages that he basically never wanted to wear again
  • lost a ton of weight and is exercise crazy (this is a common one, I know)
  • stopped drinking after years of appreciating high-quality microbrews (this was probably a good move under the current circumstances)
  • started buying all kinds of terrible music that he always hated before
  • after being a homebody and introvert for decades, goes out all night, nearly every night and "friends" everyone he meets, especially if they know OW
  • ramped up his junk food quotient after I steered us toward eating much healthier in our time together

There are probably other things. Except for the lack of drinking, what do ALL the other new habits have in common?

They're what teenagers do!



(Edited because schmoopie is a better word for it!)

*NOTE: I do not at all blame OW for her issues...she just happens to have them. I also don't blame her for being in the way when my H's MLC started poking around for a target. None of this is her fault, as far as I can tell.
« Last Edit: June 09, 2018, 09:47:35 PM by RedStar »

Offline Thunder

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Re: They say they become the opposite...how has yours?
« Reply #7 on: June 10, 2018, 08:52:25 AM »
It's funny looking back, the changes in my H was total opposite of what he was..

When I first met him I loved his "male" personality.
I say male because he was ..well, manly.

To me personally, manly is a man who doesn't spend time worrying about his looks, or caring what other think, they follow their own path with confidence.
Also he looked manly to me.  Medium length hair, shadow beard and mustache, hairy chest.  Sexy. He usually wore jeans, t-shirts or a flannel shirt.

After bd, he changed to primping in front of the mirror for hours, using skin creams and shaving all the gray hair off his head, face and chest.  He started wearing plaid shorts (most shocking change) like the young kids where wearing and silly t-shirts with cartoon characters/transformers on them.

It was like everything I liked in a man was changed.
What he did seemed so feminine to me.  All I could do was watch in horror at the changes.
I never made fun of him but it was so odd, there were times when I wanted to laugh at what he was wearing.  I would never have embarrassed him like that, though.  I could see he was struggling to look younger, because he felt so old.  He was only 46 years old.   :o

Anyway the transformation from sexy to young boy was stark.

A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Velika

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Re: They say they become the opposite...how has yours?
« Reply #8 on: June 10, 2018, 12:44:20 PM »
We don't have two brains. Our brain have many parts, there a forebrain a midbrain and hindbrain, but that only mean upper, middle and lower. Those three parts have many other parts, and many others inside those. It is like Russian Dolls.

If you perform a lobotomy on someone you remove/cut nearly all the connections to and from the prefrontal cortex, therefore leaving the person a sort of walking vegetable.

This is actually not true. I encourage everyone to watch this fascinating video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wfYbgdo8e-8

To me this really explains some MLC behavior. Especially as relates to what MLCers say vs. what they do, as well as their treating of former loved ones as strangers.

Offline Anjae

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Re: They say they become the opposite...how has yours?
« Reply #9 on: June 10, 2018, 07:27:13 PM »
Velika, I am taking a neuroscience course from Duke on Coursera - Medical Neuroscience: https://www.coursera.org/learn/medical-neuroscience

I have taken several other neuroscience and neurobiolgy courses from prestigious universities on Coursera. We do not have two brains. You can go take the courses yourself.

What you calling two brain is the two hemispheres (sides) of the brain, right and left. That is even left clear in the beginning of the video. We only have one brain, divided in two hemispheres. Those hemispheres are divided in many parts and subparts.

Forebrain, midbrain, hindbrain, that mean upper, middle and lower refer to the levels, regardless of hemisphere.

The simple fact that you believe we have two brains, rather than two brain hemispheres, only shows how little you know about these matters.

And there is no such thing as a silent and a non silent brain. I believe you mean hemisphere. Each hemisphere of the brain can be responsible for certain functions. The broca wernicke, located in the cerebral cortex, controls/is responsible for language, it is located in the left hemisphere. That is why, when someone has a stoke on the left side of the brain, often, if not always, speech is affected. And the right side of the body will be affected.

However, in the video, it is left clear that it requires cutting the nerve in the middle of the two hemispheres for people to act they way they do in the video. And that cut, as it is in the video, used to be done for those with epilepsy.

On lay people language it is used right brain and left brain, but that is just to make things easy for people. It is just one brain in whole. MLCers speak, move fine, do not have their left hand doing something the left hand wants to do, etc. It has nothing to do with having the nerve dividing the two hemispheres of the brain cut, therefore, cutting the proper connections and links to the sides of the body. The right hemisphere controls the left side of the body, and the left hemisphere controls the right side of the body, aside from specific functions that can only be found in each hemisphere.

Please, Velika, stop coming up with silly thing and stop posting misinformation and saying we have two brains when we don't.

If what happened to the people in the video, and to those whose central nerve between brain hemispheres had been cut, they would never be able to get back to normal.

Since I, and others here, have had a MLC and are back to normal, since many here have their spouses back that are back to normal, since many of us know others that no longer post, or people in real life, that are back to normal, that could never be what happened to MLCers. .

As for lobotomy, that you have mentioned, among other things, it involved cutting the connections to the two lobes on the front (anterial) part of the brain. Trust me, MLCer do not look like people who have had a lobotomy.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

 

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