Author Topic: Discussion They say they become the opposite...how has yours?  (Read 781 times)

Offline notdoneyetTopic starter

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Discussion They say they become the opposite...how has yours?
« on: June 09, 2018, 03:19:47 AM »
So my H is home for the weekend and we ordered pizza last night.  One for him and one for my D and I.  He ordered Hawaiian...he has HATED pineapple on his pizza for the past 25 years. I also made us some tea a while ago with milk and sugar and looked at me like I had gone mad because didn't I know that he always takes it black. Duh!

How has yours changed?
« Last Edit: June 09, 2018, 06:08:27 AM by Thunder »

Offline Searching4Answers

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Re: They say they become the opposite...how has yours?
« Reply #1 on: June 09, 2018, 09:50:02 AM »
Have to jump into this thread lol

This was the thing that completely baffled me. It was like he became a complete opposite of everything - it was like something/someone else had taken him over.

  • He had always refused to be photographed. He would actually ridicule people for taking pictures. Then one day he started taking pictures of himself and everything else. It became a hobby. He would take pictures and share them with everyone. It was bizarre.
  • He refused to get a cellphone and again would riducle and mock people that had them. He would go to the hardware store with his uncle and cousin and if they were on their cellphones he would take out his wallet, hold it up to his ear and pretend it was a cellphone just to mock them. He got a cellphone in 2013 - BD was end of Deecemebr 2012. It was very important that his cellphone took good pictures :o
  • Driving... he hated to drive - hated traffic. It was a chore for him to go to family members homes if it was further than a mile. He would do it but he would complain the whole time. Fastforward to right after BD, he is driving to see OW every weekend and she lived 150 miles away one-way. He was driving everywhere regardless of the traffic :o I live in Los Angeles so worst traffic you can imagine.
  • Clothes... there were 4 things that he would wear - Levi's, cargo shorts, white t-shirts and a basic overshirt for work. I tried to vary his wardrobe a few times but he wanted nothing to do with it and rarely did he buy anything for himself. He would tell me what he wanted. After BD, he started shopping for clothes :o he was buying jeans in different shades (not Levi's) colorful shirts, long sleeved dressy shirts, a suit, dress shoes. Along with changing his appearance he took out his tongue ring, started waxing his back and shaving his head.
  • Stopped smoking - obviously this a good thing but stopped cold turkey a few months before BD
  • Became obsessed with exercise. A friend of ours was moving and had a weight bench that he was giving away so I suggested that we take it. He grumbled about it and why do we need it blah, blah, blah. Once we set it up, he started a full on workout schedule. Eventually he started running. But this was all done obsessively.
  • Traveling... besides the whole hate for driving, he refused to get on an airplane since 9/11. He has now flown to several destinations - took OW to Spain, has gone to several other states for random reasons. I am sure there are many places that I am not aware of.
  • Concerts/museums... he hates crowded places so he wouldn't go to any concerts or museums. He started going to concerts regularly a few months after BD and his other new favorite thing was museums. He got into this whole artsy thing. He would take pictures of buildings for the architecture, pictures of famous paintings - he would try to get artistic with how he took pictures.
  • Woodworking... another new hobby. He started buying woodworking tools and building things. He found an online forum where he would post with a bunch guys about woodworking. Eventually he stopped being very active with the woodworking but still hangs out on the forum and shares a lot of his life there. I have always thought that he was substituting the forum for real life because he could be whoever wanted to project and they were the only ones that showed interest in his life. He has completely distanced himself from family and all he has are "new" friends that know nothing of his old life.

I have no contact with my ex so I don't know if he has kept things up or not. I do know that he is not with OW1 but he is looking for a job towards that area but it doesn't have anything to do with her. He pretty much blew that relationship up too.
We all do damage. Character is determined by how we repair it.


BD - December 2012
OW1 confirmed - December 2012 on-and-off for 34 months and counting (still refers to her as just a 'friend')
Wants to live like roommates - November 2013
I moved out - April 2015
H is still checking the anchor

Offline Velika

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Re: They say they become the opposite...how has yours?
« Reply #2 on: June 09, 2018, 10:34:02 AM »
I just was looking this up for someone, and I'm not sure if I have posted it here. This cute animation explores some pretty heavy concept, namely that research into lobotomy patients has shown that we actually have "two" brains. One is silent and one can speak.

I sometimes wonder if MLC involves some type of impairment of this, or allows one of these brains ā€” maybe the more "silent" one ā€” to suddenly go rogue. This might explain in some ways why there is a sort of peculiar "authenticity" to some of our former spouses behavior, even while it seems so shockingly dissimilar from what it was before.

I think before MLC I would have seen my ex as having a very deep consistent core. Now I wonder if I simply didn't have the tools to see what was really there, which was more of a persona that I liked and found dependable, but wasn't truly consistent.

I've had a lot of time to absorb the changes, and at times catch myself feeling nostalgic simply for the days when this all was so shocking, if only because I believed in him and in us then.

My ex also took up woodworking, guitar playing, hunting, truck driving, cooking (initially), styling his hair, wearing too-tight clothing, watching dumb videos (even while driving), becoming a Bernie Sanders enthusiast, coffee (didn't drink it before), wine (couldn't tolerate before), napping, working from home, gossiping, and wanting a second baby. He also for a while spoke to me with a strong regional accent, especially when being nasty to me.

Some of these I think are related to disinhibition and wanting to impress/mirror OW. Some of these may actually simply be his desire to improve himself and explore different sides of himself.

The most shocking like anyone here is just the cruelty and lack of empathy and self-awareness. It seems like before this he would have at least known better than to act a certain way, even if he wanted to. Now he seems to lack insight into his own behavior and its impact on others. (Or if he does ā€” he doesn't share it!)

Offline Anjae

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Re: They say they become the opposite...how has yours?
« Reply #3 on: June 09, 2018, 05:20:38 PM »
We don't have two brains. Our brain have many parts, there a forebrain a midbrain and hindbrain, but that only mean upper, middle and lower. Those three parts have many other parts, and many others inside those. It is like Russian Dolls.

If you perform a lobotomy on someone you remove/cut nearly all the connections to and from the prefrontal cortex, therefore leaving the person a sort of walking vegetable.

- Mr. J never drunk before MLC (aside from on special ocassions, and never more than two drinks). In MLC he got to the point of drinking so much he did not recall a thing that had happened the night/day before. He fall down drunk on his 40th birthday.7

- He never liked octopus or skwid. Now he does.

- He had refused to had a mobile since he had been a supervisor at his pre-MLC job. In MLC, while he was still at home, he got a mobile.

- Stop biting is nails (this is a good one).
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Online OffRoad

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Re: They say they become the opposite...how has yours?
« Reply #4 on: June 09, 2018, 06:07:52 PM »
Mine was never afraid of heights. Now he is.
Would never consider leaving our city or living in a non-status neighborhood. Hated the heat. Now lives in a run down trailer in a town in another state where the Temps are over 100 during the summer. Kind of makes sense since he is perpetually cold now (brings creedence to the andropause theory). 
Would not wear "old man" jackets. Now only wears that style, when he only wore leather previously.
Shaves what is left of his hair because he didn't want to be bald. But his hairline(partially receded) hasn't changed since he was 25, and he didn't care before (however, his mother did and made a big deal out of giving him Rogaine on a monthly basis).
He loved his car, but it somehow ended up in an accident. It was replaced with a similar one in orange instead of black because he wanted "a brighter colored car". He still goes on about needing a brighter colored car. He never wanted a brighter colored car before, preferring dark shades.

Lots of little things, too. Used to never go to the doctor, now goes for every hangnail.

When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline spock

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Re: They say they become the opposite...how has yours?
« Reply #5 on: June 09, 2018, 07:57:12 PM »
  • He had always refused to be photographed. He would actually ridicule people for taking pictures. Then one day he started taking pictures of himself and everything else. It became a hobby. He would take pictures and share them with everyone. It was bizarre.

My MLCer did the same, he rarely take photographs and it's usually me taking photos of us & of him. Now it's just selfies, group selfies, photos of his food, plus he's active on Instagram now which annoys me to no end  >:( I've stopped using FB after the split.

He hated roadtrips and always rejected when our his friends would invite us to go on overnight trips. Now he joins them on a regular basis with lots of photos (bad filters lol)  :o We were together for almost 8 years and the amount of photos he posted these days is triple of what he'd posted during our time together.

He used to hate vodka as it makes him drunk very fast with a bad hangover, preferred drink these days. What is happening?

Posted on Facebook that he would never eat bacon anymore cos well, it's so UNHEALTHY right. But made us some breakfast one time when I stayed over, with lots of bacon which is my fave  ::)
Together since 2009, 7.5 years
- PA with OW1 09/15 (BD1)
- EA with OW2 02/16 (BD2)
I moved out 07/16..

Online RedStar

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Re: They say they become the opposite...how has yours?
« Reply #6 on: June 09, 2018, 09:05:45 PM »
This aspect of MLC has been most baffling but I think is a really good indicator of it.

(Another good thread title might have been "Your H (or W) might be an MLCer if...;D)

Mine (largely in a bid to impress OW and all his new "friends")...

  • disdained cheaters, now he is one
  • vocally disdained FB since it started, now is on it for 20 hours a day clicking LOVE on, and replying with schmoopie lovestruck BS to, anything OW posts
  • disdained crazy drama chicks. OW is a mentally ill, drunk, and unemployed attention wh*r^ (see above)*
  • vocally disdained cigarettes. OW is a smoker, and I think he may have taken smoking up again himself after like 20 years
  • started buying clothes and shoes in a color he said for ages that he basically never wanted to wear again
  • lost a ton of weight and is exercise crazy (this is a common one, I know)
  • stopped drinking after years of appreciating high-quality microbrews (this was probably a good move under the current circumstances)
  • started buying all kinds of terrible music that he always hated before
  • after being a homebody and introvert for decades, goes out all night, nearly every night and "friends" everyone he meets, especially if they know OW
  • ramped up his junk food quotient after I steered us toward eating much healthier in our time together

There are probably other things. Except for the lack of drinking, what do ALL the other new habits have in common?

They're what teenagers do!



(Edited because schmoopie is a better word for it!)

*NOTE: I do not at all blame OW for her issues...she just happens to have them. I also don't blame her for being in the way when my H's MLC started poking around for a target. None of this is her fault, as far as I can tell.
« Last Edit: June 09, 2018, 09:47:35 PM by RedStar »

Offline Thunder

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Re: They say they become the opposite...how has yours?
« Reply #7 on: June 10, 2018, 08:52:25 AM »
It's funny looking back, the changes in my H was total opposite of what he was..

When I first met him I loved his "male" personality.
I say male because he was ..well, manly.

To me personally, manly is a man who doesn't spend time worrying about his looks, or caring what other think, they follow their own path with confidence.
Also he looked manly to me.  Medium length hair, shadow beard and mustache, hairy chest.  Sexy. He usually wore jeans, t-shirts or a flannel shirt.

After bd, he changed to primping in front of the mirror for hours, using skin creams and shaving all the gray hair off his head, face and chest.  He started wearing plaid shorts (most shocking change) like the young kids where wearing and silly t-shirts with cartoon characters/transformers on them.

It was like everything I liked in a man was changed.
What he did seemed so feminine to me.  All I could do was watch in horror at the changes.
I never made fun of him but it was so odd, there were times when I wanted to laugh at what he was wearing.  I would never have embarrassed him like that, though.  I could see he was struggling to look younger, because he felt so old.  He was only 46 years old.   :o

Anyway the transformation from sexy to young boy was stark.

With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline Velika

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Re: They say they become the opposite...how has yours?
« Reply #8 on: June 10, 2018, 12:44:20 PM »
We don't have two brains. Our brain have many parts, there a forebrain a midbrain and hindbrain, but that only mean upper, middle and lower. Those three parts have many other parts, and many others inside those. It is like Russian Dolls.

If you perform a lobotomy on someone you remove/cut nearly all the connections to and from the prefrontal cortex, therefore leaving the person a sort of walking vegetable.

This is actually not true. I encourage everyone to watch this fascinating video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wfYbgdo8e-8

To me this really explains some MLC behavior. Especially as relates to what MLCers say vs. what they do, as well as their treating of former loved ones as strangers.

Offline Anjae

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Re: They say they become the opposite...how has yours?
« Reply #9 on: June 10, 2018, 07:27:13 PM »
Velika, I am taking a neuroscience course from Duke on Coursera - Medical Neuroscience: https://www.coursera.org/learn/medical-neuroscience

I have taken several other neuroscience and neurobiolgy courses from prestigious universities on Coursera. We do not have two brains. You can go take the courses yourself.

What you calling two brain is the two hemispheres (sides) of the brain, right and left. That is even left clear in the beginning of the video. We only have one brain, divided in two hemispheres. Those hemispheres are divided in many parts and subparts.

Forebrain, midbrain, hindbrain, that mean upper, middle and lower refer to the levels, regardless of hemisphere.

The simple fact that you believe we have two brains, rather than two brain hemispheres, only shows how little you know about these matters.

And there is no such thing as a silent and a non silent brain. I believe you mean hemisphere. Each hemisphere of the brain can be responsible for certain functions. The broca wernicke, located in the cerebral cortex, controls/is responsible for language, it is located in the left hemisphere. That is why, when someone has a stoke on the left side of the brain, often, if not always, speech is affected. And the right side of the body will be affected.

However, in the video, it is left clear that it requires cutting the nerve in the middle of the two hemispheres for people to act they way they do in the video. And that cut, as it is in the video, used to be done for those with epilepsy.

On lay people language it is used right brain and left brain, but that is just to make things easy for people. It is just one brain in whole. MLCers speak, move fine, do not have their left hand doing something the left hand wants to do, etc. It has nothing to do with having the nerve dividing the two hemispheres of the brain cut, therefore, cutting the proper connections and links to the sides of the body. The right hemisphere controls the left side of the body, and the left hemisphere controls the right side of the body, aside from specific functions that can only be found in each hemisphere.

Please, Velika, stop coming up with silly thing and stop posting misinformation and saying we have two brains when we don't.

If what happened to the people in the video, and to those whose central nerve between brain hemispheres had been cut, they would never be able to get back to normal.

Since I, and others here, have had a MLC and are back to normal, since many here have their spouses back that are back to normal, since many of us know others that no longer post, or people in real life, that are back to normal, that could never be what happened to MLCers. .

As for lobotomy, that you have mentioned, among other things, it involved cutting the connections to the two lobes on the front (anterial) part of the brain. Trust me, MLCer do not look like people who have had a lobotomy.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Velika

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Re: They say they become the opposite...how has yours?
« Reply #10 on: June 10, 2018, 10:05:40 PM »
Anjae, I wouldn't mind if you were posting to this forum things like this as a user, but you are a moderator. You should not be writing to anyone at all with this disrespectful and deriding tone, especially not on a forum where people have experienced acute loss, ongoing trauma, and abuse.

I am writing this to RCR as much as to you. With everything that has been in the news lately about suicides and mental health, it is important that anyone moderating a forum like this one be highly qualified to deal with delicate situations, posters, and nuanced discussions with unfailing kindness and respect, even when reading information the moderator may believe is incomplete, misstated, or even untrue.

Offline moc

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Re: They say they become the opposite...how has yours?
« Reply #11 on: June 10, 2018, 10:22:52 PM »
MLCer#1 W
1. Started smoking.  When I first met her she rarely smoked, then quit.  Since BD, she smokes daily.
2. Clothes: used to be your typical mom style, no is more biker chick
3. Social Media: is now on Fakebook where she refused to be part of.
4. Was a family type person after we met.  Now she is a bar fly.
5. Moderate drinker when we met, stopped drinking all together, BD started getting drunk more often, smoking pot.


MLCer#2 W
1. Smoking more now.  When I first met she smoked but then quit.  Picked up again prior to BD.  Smokes daily.
2. Clothes: typical mom style, even down to sweats, tried the LuLaRue prior to BD being like my D25, but now have heard she had to sell them to even afford living.  Back to slumpy clothes.
3. Social Media: was on Fakebook, dropped off for a year prior to BD, back on Fakebook heavily.
4. Was bar fly when we met, turned all family type, then BD turned bar fly.  Not sure what she is up to now.
5.  Moderate drinker when we met, turned to heavy drinker, now says she can't even drink due to meds (probably also due to money).
M: 47
W: 45
S15 & S11 [from MLCer1]
BD#1: 9/2017
BD#2: 11/2017
no D filed, not seeking action at this time
Separated: 12/2017
OM: EAs up to at least 5 now.  Not sure on PAs.

Offline Anjae

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Re: They say they become the opposite...how has yours?
« Reply #12 on: June 10, 2018, 11:05:33 PM »
I am not a moderator. Have not been for a long time. And when I was, I was a tech mod.

Velika, you have been going around people's threads telling the most terrible things about what you think their spouses have. And what you think MLC is, etc. You have leaft people worried their spouses may have something fatal or close to fatal

Disrespectful and deriding tone? Telling facts about the brain? It is a fact we do not have two brains, our brain has two hemispheres.

Saying you do not know enough about neuroscience? It is a fact. If you did, you would know we do not have two brains and would not had insisted on the matter.

It is also a fact that you keep coming with something new, what you, at the moment, things cause MLC or MLCers suffer from. 

You have an interests in neuroscience matters, you may want to properly study them. I provided you a link to the course. And said Coursera had other courses on neuroscience/neurobiology.

Anyway, this is not a neuroscience thread. It is a thread about how MLCes become the opposite of how they used to be. It is not about what may had cause it.

Feel free to write to RCR.



Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline GonerinGhana

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Re: They say they become the opposite...how has yours?
« Reply #13 on: June 10, 2018, 11:37:47 PM »
It's funny looking back, the changes in my H was total opposite of what he was..

When I first met him I loved his "male" personality.
I say male because he was ..well, manly.

What about in his behavior? Did he change there too from "manly"?

My H was very much a DIY type of guy. It was one of the things that attracted me to him. He didn't want to rely on anyone else to do stuff for him, around the house or otherwise. This is not common in his culture, especially for someone of his social status.

Our first landlord was the opposite and we used to make fun of him. We had this chair that was loose and he came to our flat and struggled to tighten the screws making all these grunting and whining sounds. Then we were sitting with the landlord in front of his brother's shop one day and he saw a carpenter he knew coming down the street and he was like, "Hey you, come over here and fix these people's chair." One time I was in the landlord's office in the university (he was a professor). His wife was British, yet here we was having his secretary come take bread and cheese out of his fridge and make him a sandwich and some university employee stopped in and he told him to come back every week and water his plants. This was the antithesis of my H.

A few weeks ago he  said, "I wish I lived in the days of slavery, I would go to the local market and buy 5 or 6 slaves."  :o Of course, OW is a "slave" too.

But if that is not disturbing enough, his moral values have all become the opposite of what they were.
« Last Edit: June 10, 2018, 11:39:02 PM by GonerinGhana »

Offline Insecurity_08

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Re: They say they become the opposite...how has yours?
« Reply #14 on: June 11, 2018, 05:51:25 AM »
1. He wanted to have kids to the point it was a dealbreaker if I wouldn't have wanted to. OW doesn't want to have a kid anymore. He said he has accepted the fact he will never have kids of his own (he is 39!).
2. He was the type of person: if you hurt my wife you hurt me! Now he hurts me (emotionally) all the time.
3. He more or less condemned cheating. I say more or less because he once was an OM: a friend with benefits for one of his ex-girlfriends. Who was at the time cheating on her BF, who is now her H. I was just his friend back then. He used to mock her BF, because he apparently wasn't a nice guy. I told him could be, but you still an accomplice to adultery. He agreed and afterwards when we started dating and this ex seemed to want to visit him all of the time. He said he completely understood I didn't want her to visit him alone. That he would never do such a thing to me, but it was logical that I didn't trust her. Also when I watched shows like Temptation Island, couldn't understand how I could watch such BS. Now he is a cheater to the woman he promised to spend the rest of his life with. And he does somewhat understand this is wrong. But just has to do it, because she makes him happy!
4. His norms and values seemed to have completely changed!
5. He used to be the most selfless person on the earth. Now he is acting as a selfish brat. Giving me all the blame for the failing of our marriage. Says he is to blame too (but never says why, where as with me he gives a lot of examples of what I did wrong). But fails to see that the cheating part is all on him! And being faithful is a core value within marriage.
6. He also spends a lot more time on his appearance, but not in a boyish/teenager way. He still looks like himself. He just didn't care before.

Other than that he is still basically the same. He doesn't act younger than his age. Is not spending a great deal of money on stuff we don't need. And his OW is older than me. Closer to his age. So it's sometimes creepy that I live with almost exactly the same man in my house, but with a few alterations that I wish never happened. Someone asked me recently if he might have had a stroke? It could be of course. But I still think it is MLC.
Me: 33
H: 39
T: 9 M: almost 3
No kids, been trying to conceive for almost 3 years (with a one year break in between)
BD1: December 2017, OW sends inappropriate texts to H. H keeps this a secret until I discover it. Basically EA
March 2018: H claims having doubts about our R
BD2: April 2018: H wants a divorce and ILYBINILWY
A with OW, probably PA but no confirmation. OW is still married
H living at home, not filing for now (might happen in September)

Offline Thunder

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Re: They say they become the opposite...how has yours?
« Reply #15 on: June 11, 2018, 06:05:24 AM »
Yes Goner, as I posted, his behavior changed too.

After bd, he changed to primping in front of the mirror for hours, using skin creams and shaving all the gray hair off his head, face and chest.  He started wearing plaid shorts (most shocking change) like the young kids where wearing and silly t-shirts with cartoon characters/transformers on them.

It was like everything I liked in a man was changed.
What he did seemed so feminine to me.  All I could do was watch in horror at the changes.


He is back to himself now, but I found nothing "manly" about how he acted back then.  He is not a feminine type man, so it was a big change.  Primping in front of a mirror for hours?  Women do that, or very insecure men, not men in general.
At least none of the men I know.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline Nas

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Re: They say they become the opposite...how has yours?
« Reply #16 on: June 11, 2018, 07:51:02 AM »
I'd have to really think back and remember (chemo brain doesn't help) because I haven't seen my H in so long, but I feel like he didn't so much change to the opposite as much as certain traits became much more prominent and parts of his personality that I could see for years that he'd tried to bury came more to the fore.

I will say that he's become a "shark" - to the point that I sometimes wonder if he was brainwashed by all those business schemes he tried at the beginning of his MLC (where he lost all of our money).

He listened to audio books incessantly, books like Psycho Cybernetics, but he interpreted them with his MLC skewed thinking and seems to believe he needs to succeed at all costs, no matter who he has to hurt, step on or screw over in the process.

Prior to MLC, he was not driven and that didn't really bother me. He had a good job and we had everything we needed and I think it's more important to be happy and who cares if people aren't impressed by what you do? But now he needs to be someone who impresses people and someone who is viewed as important and successful.

But I don't think that's really opposite.  I think he always felt that way but never had the drive.

Prior to MLC, he constantly talked about a woman he worked with and had so much disdain for her because it was rumored she was cheating on her fiance with her boss, who was high up in the company - totally unsubstantiated rumors, btw, and I met her and I saw a young woman who worked at a small company, her and her boss were the only two people in the department and so they spent a lot of time together but I didn't see any flirting or anything. Who knows, but still, H used to speak poorly of both of them because the boss was married with kids and the woman was engaged to a longtime partner.

Now I see that was projection, he had disdain for them because they were rumored to be doing what he was fighting the urge to do himself and he really had disdain for himself.

The most hurtful change was that he always got anxious around kids if they were loud or really energetic.  He didn't want kids so I chose to stay with him and not have them even though I did want them.  And then he left and moved in with OW who has 3 kids.  That may be the sticking point I never get over.
Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

Offline barbiedoll

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Re: They say they become the opposite...how has yours?
« Reply #17 on: June 12, 2018, 03:05:28 AM »
This is a very interesting thread and I wonder( again) what I may have missed. I saw little changes outwardly in my husband in so far as his looks , dress or obvious behavior . He started to leave his shirts untucked , let his hair grow long-ish, and walked with an entirely different gait...like a sloppy teenager . But mentally, emotionally and verbally he was an entirely new creation. He became his father ...he was his father for a period close to a year. It has been talked about many time with his therapist that you do become almost the persona of the person that you least want to be or caused you so much trauma. He adopted attitudes and beliefs that were the total opposite of anyone I could love. He was very very short-fused where he had been patient and able to work on fixing something for hours . The outside tap was leaking and needed to be replaced. I can still see the shocking rage and impatients and seeking to tie "blame " to everything . He yelled " why are you letting those kids stand on this tap?".  Indeed. I am letting the grandkids "stand on the tap". Insane. At the end he physically ripped the steels pipe and tap off the cement wall ....

He never touched his facebook page from beginning to end . Not once. He was in and out of liquor stores and he is 100% a non drinker . Later , of course, this was for the alcoholic OW. He never thought anything thru to "hide purchases"..that in itself is just how malfunctioning his brain was.

But he became his father...the person he spent his entire life trying not to be .He had a profound disrespect for women. His father married5 times and many live in "women". He never felt he was respected enough. His father did what was best only for himself ( narcissist ) . He was a ragefull person, physically violent and demanding respect and acknowledgement constantly. He used women and tossed them away. Suddenly "family and marriage" did not matter anymore.
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline GonerinGhana

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Re: They say they become the opposite...how has yours?
« Reply #18 on: June 12, 2018, 05:03:59 AM »
He became his father ...he was his father for a period close to a year. It has been talked about many time with his therapist that you do become almost the persona of the person that you least want to be or caused you so much trauma. He adopted attitudes and beliefs that were the total opposite of anyone I could love. He was very very short-fused where he had been patient and able to work on fixing something for hours . The outside tap was leaking and needed to be replaced. I can still see the shocking rage and impatients and seeking to tie "blame " to everything . He yelled " why are you letting those kids stand on this tap?".  Indeed. I am letting the grandkids "stand on the tap". Insane. At the end he physically ripped the steels pipe and tap off the cement wall ....

But he became his father...the person he spent his entire life trying not to be .He had a profound disrespect for women. His father married5 times and many live in "women". He never felt he was respected enough. His father did what was best only for himself ( narcissist ) . He was a ragefull person, physically violent and demanding respect and acknowledgement constantly. He used women and tossed them away. Suddenly "family and marriage" did not matter anymore.

You could be describing my H. He too has become the father who abused him. The other day at dinner he made some remark about how if I didn't be quiet he would dump the table on my head. Two days later when I was complaining to her that his personality has changed, MIL told me, "All men are like that, his father used to dump the table on my head all the time." I mean she used the same words he had used to threaten me. She defends the behavior. She got so conditioned to expect it from his father that she really does not believe me when I say his personality was NOT like this before we moved in with her. When he gets angry, he even sounds as if he is possessed by his father because he no longer is speaking with his own voice, but that of his father. He oftentimes can't even understand English when he gets in these states.

He's been running through what seem to be a series of father-related issues. Some are very clear and general, others are murky. We had half a dozen incidents where he flew into a rage at me about closing doors. I can only imagine a very specific incident where he did something with a door that enraged his father toward him, but I have no idea what it was. If I were to piece all the incidents with me together, he may have slammed a door loudly and locked his father out of the house or something along those lines.

I think at some level he is reclaiming the power he never had by re-enacting these things as the one in the position of power and control.

I do my best to shut him down when he gets in these states but MIL and OW put up with it and he can rant to them for HOURS on end. They have something inside them and they are going to dump it out on SOMEONE.

Offline nah

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Re: They say they become the opposite...how has yours?
« Reply #19 on: June 12, 2018, 05:26:33 AM »
The Leaver has gone through distinct stages that are apparent with his clothes and music styles...

Before BD, he dressed average, jeans and plain shirts, his music was a mix of 70's and 80's, not too obsessed since his main priorities was family and work.

2011-2014 (BD was 2013)...drastic changes.  Expensive designer jeans with white stitching and rhinestones, Ed Hardey T-shirts, tanning, plucking eyebrows, hair salon every two weeks, obsessed with gym, very Jersey Shore-like.  He started singing Rhianna and Britney Spears in his band.

2015-2016.  Was kicked out of band #1 and became a cowboy (we lived on the East Coast btw),... Cowboy hats, boots, jean jacket.  Joined a country band.

2016-now.  Not sure if he was kicked out or quit but band #2 hates hates hates him.  Now he's John Lennon complete with the glasses, Beatles T-shirts and Beatles songs.  Not sure if he's doing it now but right before he left he started talking in an English accent (think Tony Soprano mimicking the Beatles).

 ???
« Last Edit: June 12, 2018, 05:28:15 AM by nah »
H-53
me-51
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...semi-vanisher

Offline Didot49

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Re: They say they become the opposite...how has yours?
« Reply #20 on: June 12, 2018, 05:47:44 AM »
The thing that struck me as the most odd was H used to be punctual to the point where he would be calling you if you were a minute late to meet him. Now he's late very often.

He grew a scruffy beard. I've known him 34 years and he's always been clean shaven.

Never the type of guy to cry, in the last two years he has cried a lot.

When I met him I was very shy, and the type of girl who was indecisive. He was always very opinionated, confident and sure. I have never known someone say " I don't know" as much as he has done in the last two years.

To be frank, I sometimes feel that his crisis has triggered a change in me. I'm the one behaving in an opposite way these days. I've gained confidence and am far more outgoing. I noticed before he left that it was always me trying to persuade him to go out, and he would say that he wasn't feeling sociable. That was how I was when we first started dating.

 

Offline What now

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Re: They say they become the opposite...how has yours?
« Reply #21 on: June 13, 2018, 11:04:10 PM »
I had to comment on this thread because some of his changes laughable and so far from what I consider to be the true him.

  • His kids were his world and he wouldn't let anyone say anything bad about them. After he, he joined in with ow when she had a fb spat with SD and told SD she was in the wrong even though ow attacked her
  • He was another who wouldn't really go out of our town. Now he has frequent trips with ow and her boys
  • When we first met, I used to wear a trapped type hat in the winter. I was only a teenager and he hated it. I think he actually threw it away after I left it at his once because he hated it that much. Guess what he wears now.......? 🤣
  • His dad would wear slip on pumps (don't know the name of them in the US) and would do it without socks and trousers that stopped on the ankle so they looked short. He wears the same now
  • He spends a lot of time on his appearance. Before BD, he would shower every day but shave every 3rd day, every week if he could manage it because he has sensitive skin. Now, he shaves daily. He got his hair cut every 8 weeks. Now it's every 4. They trim his eyebrows too now
  • His hairstyle has changed to a much younger one (the same one my son had and he is 5!)
  • He wasn't really on fb before and when he was, it was about his business. Now, the shares something at least every hour. He also has an account on every other social media platform where he wouldn't before. He would laugh at people who lived on social media and now has doing it. He used to love his privacy and kept his life off Facebook, now he doesn't even pass wind without documenting it somewhere for the likes
  • He hated having his photo taken but when he did, it was always fun and natural. Now, he's a selfie king and all his pictures are posed with the right filter and he never smiles
  • He did drink before but now he drinks ten fold and takes drugs. He condemned the sort of people he knew that did that, especially with a family and now look at him
  • He would berate men who didn't have anything to do with their children. He's now more or less one of them men! He sees them irregularly, when it fits into his life
  • He was a really good dad. I never had an issue with him taking care of them. After BD, he became neglectful towards the kids, leaving them in a room alone overnight so he could go and get drunk in his pub beneath the rooms to name one thing

These are just a few that I know of but I've more or less had no contact since about 3 months after BD

Like others, I think most of these are to fit into owe life. She didn't like the music he listened to in his car so she has changed that. She is diagnosed bipolar and he really does mirror her.
Me 34
Him 46
S 4, D 9, SD 20, SS 24, SD 27. 6 grandchildren.

BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 27 with 3 young kids. They don't live together

Offline Nevertoomuch85

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Re: They say they become the opposite...how has yours?
« Reply #22 on: June 14, 2018, 08:19:50 AM »
It's almost as if they are stuck on the opposite side of the mirror where everything is opposite including the way we have to deal with them.

Offline Shocked

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Re: They say they become the opposite...how has yours?
« Reply #23 on: June 14, 2018, 01:42:31 PM »
I have to say this is great observations! Mine is a part of the opposite personality club too. There were many of these changes for the year before BD I just dismissed them because we had a lot going on. He went from being very financially responsible to never caring about what something costs. He never wanted to be on pharmaceutical medication to taking several different meds a day. Including hormones replacements without my knowledge. He was diligent about caring for his car. Changing his oil monthly because he was a rep on the road and his car was so important to having his engine fail because he failed to put oil in it. The car died and he had to buy a new one. The are many other small ones but the one Iā€™m most shocked by is he now a cigarette smoker. He would always go crazy that people smoked. I really miss my old H but I would never trust any this new guy says or does!!!
I care🤗
H 51
W 58
M 22 Years
2 AD both married from my first M
BD 12/15 moved out-in replay, vanisher, MOW in Atlanta
D 2/17

 

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