Author Topic: Discussion They say they become the opposite...how has yours?  (Read 782 times)

Offline Velika

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Discussion Re: They say they become the opposite...how has yours?
« Reply #10 on: June 10, 2018, 10:05:40 PM »
Anjae, I wouldn't mind if you were posting to this forum things like this as a user, but you are a moderator. You should not be writing to anyone at all with this disrespectful and deriding tone, especially not on a forum where people have experienced acute loss, ongoing trauma, and abuse.

I am writing this to RCR as much as to you. With everything that has been in the news lately about suicides and mental health, it is important that anyone moderating a forum like this one be highly qualified to deal with delicate situations, posters, and nuanced discussions with unfailing kindness and respect, even when reading information the moderator may believe is incomplete, misstated, or even untrue.

Offline moc

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Re: They say they become the opposite...how has yours?
« Reply #11 on: June 10, 2018, 10:22:52 PM »
MLCer#1 W
1. Started smoking.  When I first met her she rarely smoked, then quit.  Since BD, she smokes daily.
2. Clothes: used to be your typical mom style, no is more biker chick
3. Social Media: is now on Fakebook where she refused to be part of.
4. Was a family type person after we met.  Now she is a bar fly.
5. Moderate drinker when we met, stopped drinking all together, BD started getting drunk more often, smoking pot.


MLCer#2 W
1. Smoking more now.  When I first met she smoked but then quit.  Picked up again prior to BD.  Smokes daily.
2. Clothes: typical mom style, even down to sweats, tried the LuLaRue prior to BD being like my D25, but now have heard she had to sell them to even afford living.  Back to slumpy clothes.
3. Social Media: was on Fakebook, dropped off for a year prior to BD, back on Fakebook heavily.
4. Was bar fly when we met, turned all family type, then BD turned bar fly.  Not sure what she is up to now.
5.  Moderate drinker when we met, turned to heavy drinker, now says she can't even drink due to meds (probably also due to money).
M: 47
W: 45
S15 & S11 [from MLCer1]
BD#1: 9/2017
BD#2: 11/2017
no D filed, not seeking action at this time
Separated: 12/2017
OM: EAs up to at least 5 now.  Not sure on PAs.

Offline Anjae

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Re: They say they become the opposite...how has yours?
« Reply #12 on: June 10, 2018, 11:05:33 PM »
I am not a moderator. Have not been for a long time. And when I was, I was a tech mod.

Velika, you have been going around people's threads telling the most terrible things about what you think their spouses have. And what you think MLC is, etc. You have leaft people worried their spouses may have something fatal or close to fatal

Disrespectful and deriding tone? Telling facts about the brain? It is a fact we do not have two brains, our brain has two hemispheres.

Saying you do not know enough about neuroscience? It is a fact. If you did, you would know we do not have two brains and would not had insisted on the matter.

It is also a fact that you keep coming with something new, what you, at the moment, things cause MLC or MLCers suffer from. 

You have an interests in neuroscience matters, you may want to properly study them. I provided you a link to the course. And said Coursera had other courses on neuroscience/neurobiology.

Anyway, this is not a neuroscience thread. It is a thread about how MLCes become the opposite of how they used to be. It is not about what may had cause it.

Feel free to write to RCR.



Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline GonerinGhana

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Re: They say they become the opposite...how has yours?
« Reply #13 on: June 10, 2018, 11:37:47 PM »
It's funny looking back, the changes in my H was total opposite of what he was..

When I first met him I loved his "male" personality.
I say male because he was ..well, manly.

What about in his behavior? Did he change there too from "manly"?

My H was very much a DIY type of guy. It was one of the things that attracted me to him. He didn't want to rely on anyone else to do stuff for him, around the house or otherwise. This is not common in his culture, especially for someone of his social status.

Our first landlord was the opposite and we used to make fun of him. We had this chair that was loose and he came to our flat and struggled to tighten the screws making all these grunting and whining sounds. Then we were sitting with the landlord in front of his brother's shop one day and he saw a carpenter he knew coming down the street and he was like, "Hey you, come over here and fix these people's chair." One time I was in the landlord's office in the university (he was a professor). His wife was British, yet here we was having his secretary come take bread and cheese out of his fridge and make him a sandwich and some university employee stopped in and he told him to come back every week and water his plants. This was the antithesis of my H.

A few weeks ago he  said, "I wish I lived in the days of slavery, I would go to the local market and buy 5 or 6 slaves."  :o Of course, OW is a "slave" too.

But if that is not disturbing enough, his moral values have all become the opposite of what they were.
« Last Edit: June 10, 2018, 11:39:02 PM by GonerinGhana »

Offline Insecurity_08

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Re: They say they become the opposite...how has yours?
« Reply #14 on: June 11, 2018, 05:51:25 AM »
1. He wanted to have kids to the point it was a dealbreaker if I wouldn't have wanted to. OW doesn't want to have a kid anymore. He said he has accepted the fact he will never have kids of his own (he is 39!).
2. He was the type of person: if you hurt my wife you hurt me! Now he hurts me (emotionally) all the time.
3. He more or less condemned cheating. I say more or less because he once was an OM: a friend with benefits for one of his ex-girlfriends. Who was at the time cheating on her BF, who is now her H. I was just his friend back then. He used to mock her BF, because he apparently wasn't a nice guy. I told him could be, but you still an accomplice to adultery. He agreed and afterwards when we started dating and this ex seemed to want to visit him all of the time. He said he completely understood I didn't want her to visit him alone. That he would never do such a thing to me, but it was logical that I didn't trust her. Also when I watched shows like Temptation Island, couldn't understand how I could watch such BS. Now he is a cheater to the woman he promised to spend the rest of his life with. And he does somewhat understand this is wrong. But just has to do it, because she makes him happy!
4. His norms and values seemed to have completely changed!
5. He used to be the most selfless person on the earth. Now he is acting as a selfish brat. Giving me all the blame for the failing of our marriage. Says he is to blame too (but never says why, where as with me he gives a lot of examples of what I did wrong). But fails to see that the cheating part is all on him! And being faithful is a core value within marriage.
6. He also spends a lot more time on his appearance, but not in a boyish/teenager way. He still looks like himself. He just didn't care before.

Other than that he is still basically the same. He doesn't act younger than his age. Is not spending a great deal of money on stuff we don't need. And his OW is older than me. Closer to his age. So it's sometimes creepy that I live with almost exactly the same man in my house, but with a few alterations that I wish never happened. Someone asked me recently if he might have had a stroke? It could be of course. But I still think it is MLC.
Me: 33
H: 39
T: 9 M: almost 3
No kids, been trying to conceive for almost 3 years (with a one year break in between)
BD1: December 2017, OW sends inappropriate texts to H. H keeps this a secret until I discover it. Basically EA
March 2018: H claims having doubts about our R
BD2: April 2018: H wants a divorce and ILYBINILWY
A with OW, probably PA but no confirmation. OW is still married
H living at home, not filing for now (might happen in September)

Offline Thunder

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Re: They say they become the opposite...how has yours?
« Reply #15 on: June 11, 2018, 06:05:24 AM »
Yes Goner, as I posted, his behavior changed too.

After bd, he changed to primping in front of the mirror for hours, using skin creams and shaving all the gray hair off his head, face and chest.  He started wearing plaid shorts (most shocking change) like the young kids where wearing and silly t-shirts with cartoon characters/transformers on them.

It was like everything I liked in a man was changed.
What he did seemed so feminine to me.  All I could do was watch in horror at the changes.


He is back to himself now, but I found nothing "manly" about how he acted back then.  He is not a feminine type man, so it was a big change.  Primping in front of a mirror for hours?  Women do that, or very insecure men, not men in general.
At least none of the men I know.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline Nas

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Re: They say they become the opposite...how has yours?
« Reply #16 on: June 11, 2018, 07:51:02 AM »
I'd have to really think back and remember (chemo brain doesn't help) because I haven't seen my H in so long, but I feel like he didn't so much change to the opposite as much as certain traits became much more prominent and parts of his personality that I could see for years that he'd tried to bury came more to the fore.

I will say that he's become a "shark" - to the point that I sometimes wonder if he was brainwashed by all those business schemes he tried at the beginning of his MLC (where he lost all of our money).

He listened to audio books incessantly, books like Psycho Cybernetics, but he interpreted them with his MLC skewed thinking and seems to believe he needs to succeed at all costs, no matter who he has to hurt, step on or screw over in the process.

Prior to MLC, he was not driven and that didn't really bother me. He had a good job and we had everything we needed and I think it's more important to be happy and who cares if people aren't impressed by what you do? But now he needs to be someone who impresses people and someone who is viewed as important and successful.

But I don't think that's really opposite.  I think he always felt that way but never had the drive.

Prior to MLC, he constantly talked about a woman he worked with and had so much disdain for her because it was rumored she was cheating on her fiance with her boss, who was high up in the company - totally unsubstantiated rumors, btw, and I met her and I saw a young woman who worked at a small company, her and her boss were the only two people in the department and so they spent a lot of time together but I didn't see any flirting or anything. Who knows, but still, H used to speak poorly of both of them because the boss was married with kids and the woman was engaged to a longtime partner.

Now I see that was projection, he had disdain for them because they were rumored to be doing what he was fighting the urge to do himself and he really had disdain for himself.

The most hurtful change was that he always got anxious around kids if they were loud or really energetic.  He didn't want kids so I chose to stay with him and not have them even though I did want them.  And then he left and moved in with OW who has 3 kids.  That may be the sticking point I never get over.
Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

Offline barbiedoll

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Re: They say they become the opposite...how has yours?
« Reply #17 on: June 12, 2018, 03:05:28 AM »
This is a very interesting thread and I wonder( again) what I may have missed. I saw little changes outwardly in my husband in so far as his looks , dress or obvious behavior . He started to leave his shirts untucked , let his hair grow long-ish, and walked with an entirely different gait...like a sloppy teenager . But mentally, emotionally and verbally he was an entirely new creation. He became his father ...he was his father for a period close to a year. It has been talked about many time with his therapist that you do become almost the persona of the person that you least want to be or caused you so much trauma. He adopted attitudes and beliefs that were the total opposite of anyone I could love. He was very very short-fused where he had been patient and able to work on fixing something for hours . The outside tap was leaking and needed to be replaced. I can still see the shocking rage and impatients and seeking to tie "blame " to everything . He yelled " why are you letting those kids stand on this tap?".  Indeed. I am letting the grandkids "stand on the tap". Insane. At the end he physically ripped the steels pipe and tap off the cement wall ....

He never touched his facebook page from beginning to end . Not once. He was in and out of liquor stores and he is 100% a non drinker . Later , of course, this was for the alcoholic OW. He never thought anything thru to "hide purchases"..that in itself is just how malfunctioning his brain was.

But he became his father...the person he spent his entire life trying not to be .He had a profound disrespect for women. His father married5 times and many live in "women". He never felt he was respected enough. His father did what was best only for himself ( narcissist ) . He was a ragefull person, physically violent and demanding respect and acknowledgement constantly. He used women and tossed them away. Suddenly "family and marriage" did not matter anymore.
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline GonerinGhana

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Re: They say they become the opposite...how has yours?
« Reply #18 on: June 12, 2018, 05:03:59 AM »
He became his father ...he was his father for a period close to a year. It has been talked about many time with his therapist that you do become almost the persona of the person that you least want to be or caused you so much trauma. He adopted attitudes and beliefs that were the total opposite of anyone I could love. He was very very short-fused where he had been patient and able to work on fixing something for hours . The outside tap was leaking and needed to be replaced. I can still see the shocking rage and impatients and seeking to tie "blame " to everything . He yelled " why are you letting those kids stand on this tap?".  Indeed. I am letting the grandkids "stand on the tap". Insane. At the end he physically ripped the steels pipe and tap off the cement wall ....

But he became his father...the person he spent his entire life trying not to be .He had a profound disrespect for women. His father married5 times and many live in "women". He never felt he was respected enough. His father did what was best only for himself ( narcissist ) . He was a ragefull person, physically violent and demanding respect and acknowledgement constantly. He used women and tossed them away. Suddenly "family and marriage" did not matter anymore.

You could be describing my H. He too has become the father who abused him. The other day at dinner he made some remark about how if I didn't be quiet he would dump the table on my head. Two days later when I was complaining to her that his personality has changed, MIL told me, "All men are like that, his father used to dump the table on my head all the time." I mean she used the same words he had used to threaten me. She defends the behavior. She got so conditioned to expect it from his father that she really does not believe me when I say his personality was NOT like this before we moved in with her. When he gets angry, he even sounds as if he is possessed by his father because he no longer is speaking with his own voice, but that of his father. He oftentimes can't even understand English when he gets in these states.

He's been running through what seem to be a series of father-related issues. Some are very clear and general, others are murky. We had half a dozen incidents where he flew into a rage at me about closing doors. I can only imagine a very specific incident where he did something with a door that enraged his father toward him, but I have no idea what it was. If I were to piece all the incidents with me together, he may have slammed a door loudly and locked his father out of the house or something along those lines.

I think at some level he is reclaiming the power he never had by re-enacting these things as the one in the position of power and control.

I do my best to shut him down when he gets in these states but MIL and OW put up with it and he can rant to them for HOURS on end. They have something inside them and they are going to dump it out on SOMEONE.

Offline nah

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Re: They say they become the opposite...how has yours?
« Reply #19 on: June 12, 2018, 05:26:33 AM »
The Leaver has gone through distinct stages that are apparent with his clothes and music styles...

Before BD, he dressed average, jeans and plain shirts, his music was a mix of 70's and 80's, not too obsessed since his main priorities was family and work.

2011-2014 (BD was 2013)...drastic changes.  Expensive designer jeans with white stitching and rhinestones, Ed Hardey T-shirts, tanning, plucking eyebrows, hair salon every two weeks, obsessed with gym, very Jersey Shore-like.  He started singing Rhianna and Britney Spears in his band.

2015-2016.  Was kicked out of band #1 and became a cowboy (we lived on the East Coast btw),... Cowboy hats, boots, jean jacket.  Joined a country band.

2016-now.  Not sure if he was kicked out or quit but band #2 hates hates hates him.  Now he's John Lennon complete with the glasses, Beatles T-shirts and Beatles songs.  Not sure if he's doing it now but right before he left he started talking in an English accent (think Tony Soprano mimicking the Beatles).

 ???
« Last Edit: June 12, 2018, 05:28:15 AM by nah »
H-53
me-51
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...semi-vanisher

 

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