Author Topic: My Story Reassembling- More determined than ever to reclaim my life  (Read 495 times)

Online MourningDoveTopic starter

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My Story Reassembling- More determined than ever to reclaim my life
« on: June 14, 2018, 01:09:54 PM »
I have been watching MLC from more of a distance as of late. My encounters with XH have not been one on one as much. He has avoided me and instead has been taking huge whacks at D's and his relationship.

The more I see his life unraveling, and it is in many ways, the more distance I want. I am no longer looking back to see if he is catching up or even on a path of getting better. I look for my kid's sake, but beyond that, I must admit it really does not affect me the same way it once did.

I am sad for him. I have grieved the man I was married to. I still have my wedding pictures and some mementos from years past, but they are memories. Fond ones. The MLC, I am trying to push that into the depths and deal with it when it rears it's ugly head in the form of triggers. I don't spend as much time in that "realm" as I used to. I journal it out here and then let go. I on occasion talk to some people who know about it and understand it, but there too, it is not something that holds me hostage.

I do have those moments where the rare interaction with XH drags me down and drains me. But he is in full monster mode. I am done trying to slay the dragon.

S mentioned that XH's fancy SUV's transmission, which he literally just replaced is giving him trouble again. S detailed the vehicle so that XH can trade it in or sell it, so it seems. Not my problem. Karma sucks.

I have been lucky, many have said. I believe that in many ways that is true, but I am coming to believe that good behaviors are in fact rewarded at some point. I also believe in paying it forward. I am not perfect and positive all the time, but I have truly learned the importance of being around positive people. Yes, I get together with friends and we might grumble and have our moments, but they are overall good people I surround myself with now. I have distanced myself from negativity as much as possible.

I plan on holding to that path. It has not been without bumps, but there haven't been any landmines yet.  ;)

I am working on trying to find parts of the old me - those things I enjoyed and adding new things. It is not a quest to be selfish. I want there to be room for someone else. I am willing to compromise but not to the extreme like I did with MLC. MLC I did not just compromise - I sacrificed myself. That is something I have control over. That I now know. I became a victim and that is one thing I won't allow again. Very different than finding common ground for the greater good. I am going at this from a much healthier place for myself and the person who comes along for the ride will in fact benefit from all I have learned.

I think I have a much better handle on what it is to be a partner.

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10127.150
« Last Edit: June 14, 2018, 01:13:59 PM by MourningDove »

Offline Shocked

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Re: Reassembling- More determined than ever to reclaim my life
« Reply #1 on: June 14, 2018, 01:23:26 PM »
This was a lovely post Dove!!! I wish you much peace my friend!🤗
I care🤗
H 51
W 58
M 22 Years
2 AD both married from my first M
BD 12/15 moved out-in replay, vanisher, MOW in Atlanta
D 2/17

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Reassembling- More determined than ever to reclaim my life
« Reply #2 on: June 14, 2018, 02:37:32 PM »
Your last paragraph....

WORD!
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Reassembling- More determined than ever to reclaim my life
« Reply #3 on: June 14, 2018, 06:13:42 PM »
Great post MD, newbies should read this to see things do get better and we get our lives back to almost normality eventually.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Online MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling- More determined than ever to reclaim my life
« Reply #4 on: June 14, 2018, 07:36:08 PM »
Shocked, UrsaMajor, and Savoir Faire - thank you.  :)

S's boss texted me earlier this evening. He has been saying for some time that he wants me to come and work for him, but he is not sure how I would fit in. LOL. He did not mean this in a critical manner. I knew exactly what he was aiming at. I have known him since high school - for nearly 30 years. We had missed each other over the past couple of weeks.

I ran into him on Sunday night at the grocery store. He was out with his wife. She reminded him he was supposed to contact me.

So tonight, he texted and I was in my basement working on a project. He asked if tonight was a good night. I asked him to give me 15 minutes to pull myself together. (I needed to change my clothes and at least put some makeup on and take my hair out of "working around the house" mode).

We met for a long time. I had to laugh. He said it felt a bit odd because he did not want this to be an interview, he has known me too long. He wanted to know what makes me tick, as he has never figured that out. I started laughing. That is a common theme. I said he was probably one of the first people to actually verbalize that. I confuse a lot of people. He said I am a very passionate person and he wants to use that to his advantage and to my own benefit. He does not want to put me in a position that does not use my talents. He gets it - we talked a very long time and he then wanted to know how I was doing. He said that he and his wife could not get over how put together I was on a Sunday night at the grocery store and wondered if that was my usual. I had to think about Sunday and I giggled. That was the day I needed to dress up after the whole prom night photos meltdown/beatdown I gave myself.

He is going to put his thinking cap on as he believes he does not want me stuck designing kitchens and sees a much more creative use of my time. He is an outside of the box thinker. He has built a very successful business and is looking to expand. I told him I was okay doing a variety of things - LOL.

If nothing else, we had a good visit and his W popped in. They both then gave me a hard time about how I should be going online to date - LOL. I assured them I was doing okay.  ::)

I came home to find D and her boyfriend watching movies. I hung out with them awhile and then decided I wanted ice cream. D suddenly perked up and asked if I would bring back some for her. I had been kidding her about her "pseudo ice-cream" that she bought. I told her that she could just cut back her portions (not that she needs to - she is holding at a size 4) and just enjoy the real thing once in awhile. She tried her new "not ice cream/ice cream" and it was disappointing. I said I would bring her back a kiddie cone. She liked that idea.

The ice cream place was hopping and I saw a couple of people I knew. The young man behind the counter, I remembered from subbing, but I also knew both of his parents from high school. D likes to remind me constantly how this kid's F was my 6th grade crush and every time I see him she pokes fun at me. His now XW never spoke to me in high school. She sought me out though for whatever reason at a little league game when all of our kids played and suddenly I was her best friend. I got an earful that summer. Her now XH had run off with a 23 year old. I remember my XH wondering who was talking to me, as he had seen her many times before. They ended up divorcing. He tried to reconcile with her, but she moved on right away with another man. She married him and added 2 more kids to her family.

I was asking the young man about what he was up to. I said I had just subbed and saw his younger brother earlier in the week. He didn't remember me, but when he commented about what he was studying, I said "ah, just like your F". He smiled and said he was. I said that his parents were classmates of mine and I admired what his F has done with at risk youth over the years. I also mentioned I still see his M around from time to time. It was a pretty simple conversation.

I waited for my ice-cream and he came back with my order and wanted to chat a bit longer. He seemed troubled. It was near closing time. He said he wondered if I had heard. I said, no, about what? He said his M got hit a second time with a cheating spouse. He said there are lots of rumors going around, but her H was at home with a younger woman and so his M kicked him out. I told him I had not heard that and I honestly am not one to pay too much attention to rumors or to spread them. I told him I know all too well from personal experience about being part of the rumor mill. I told him that I too know the pain of being cheated on and I hoped his M was okay. He smiled and thanked me. I laughed and asked him why he thought I should know that information. He said he needed to get it off his chest and he thought he could trust me. I smiled and joked that now I was part of the rumor mill, he laughed and said that no, I got my information from a trusted source. I assured him I would not be spreading any rumors.

I drove home and thought of his parents. I never understood the relationship between his M and his F. For many of us it never really made much sense, as his F was never good enough in her parent's eyes. When she divulged that information, I did feel sorry for her, but I remember wondering why me? She never spoke to me in high school, ever. I remember after that event calling my closest friend and telling her how this woman came up to me and just treated me like we were old friends. My friend was shocked as well, as she said the same thing - we weren't part of her crowd and she was shocked she even knew who I was - LOL.

That said, looking back at the timing and the XH's past, I could easily argue MLC. His F took up with a woman in our high school. The kids from both families were suddenly blended and the odd thing was the oldest S was dating the one young woman before they became a blended family. He quit dating her when she suddenly was his step sister. It was a very difficult thing in a small school district.

I feel bad for this woman. While I did not go on to be great friends with her - she never made it past the outer ring, I do have compassion for her. How do you recuperate from not one, but 2 doses of cheating spouses. And, then I also have to wonder if she did her own mirror work. Looking back she jumped from the first H right into a relationship with this man within 2 months of her XH moving out. There was no transition. She was pregnant with another child - something she was trying for by all accounts before she married him. The divorce had been final for awhile and her XH's new wife was pregnant with triplets.

It just underscored to me how grateful that I am that I had held off on dating and such during my own healing process for so long. Looking back, as lonely as I was I could have caved and given into the same desires. It was not easy. I wanted to mask the pain. But, I also worried about the idea of a rebound.

I no longer have those concerns. I am confident in my own "place" mentally. My S's boss, whose first W took off years ago told me tonight he is shocked at how well I am doing. He said he thought I would be angrier. But, I am not. I worked through so much of that and have let it go. I am angry about D and XH, or some of the antics, but I don't fear another relationship. It makes me realize how important time and patience is in this whole process - not just the MLC part, but the healing. I needed the time. I see that clearly now.
« Last Edit: June 14, 2018, 07:38:05 PM by MourningDove »

Online stillbaffled

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Re: Reassembling- More determined than ever to reclaim my life
« Reply #5 on: June 14, 2018, 07:45:25 PM »
Sticking with you, MD. 

The ice cream store story =  :(
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Reassembling- More determined than ever to reclaim my life
« Reply #6 on: June 15, 2018, 05:23:50 AM »
MD,

I hear you totally about the rebound thing - been there, done that with xW1...

As for 2 doses of cheating spouses?  Probably a lot like 2 doses of <x>LC..... The armor gets a little thinker, one becomes more sensitive to certain things and quicker to pull the emergency brakes.... that barrier to the inner circle becomes a little stronger, a little higher but, deep inside, we are not changed. Our core remains the same....
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling- More determined than ever to reclaim my life
« Reply #7 on: June 15, 2018, 07:13:48 AM »
stillbaffled - yes, the ice cream story actually has me feeling a bit sad for that young man. I feel for his M, but I have not spoken to her. The fact that he needed to tell someone and while he and I have encountered each other over the years, I highly doubt he would be able to tell me how he knows me. There are 3 boys from that marriage and he is the middle kid. He, by far looks the most like his F, so it was a pretty easy peg for me. I have known his F since kindergarten Hard to deny genetics - LOL.

I guess I am glad he felt I was trustworthy enough to have the faith to confide in me. I believe he needed someone to "confess to". I am a bit humbled. But the more I have thought about it, I have to wonder what this will do to the youngest of the boys. He loves that farm they moved on to. He will be a senior this coming year and it has to be a tough situation for him. He is the only one from the first marriage still living with his M along with his 2 half-siblings. His M was not present (understandably - no criticism) when the first marriage fell apart. I hope these kids have someone to catch their fall. I know they are close to their F, but I don't know how that works with the stepM.

But, not my problem to solve. That said, I am going to make sure when we go for ice cream we go to that stand for the summer and check in on this kid. He is not my "pet project" - LOL. But, I now feel a bit of responsibility knowing what he shared, to check in on him. It would be the same thing I would do for a student. I guess it is part M in me and part teacher. It doesn't go beyond the ice cream pop-in, but I know how important it is from personal experience to have those familiar faces that just say "hi". I have had my own share of those people on my walks. My  regular people who have stopped to say hello and have become my "stable/normal" things. Just a friendly face who asks how you are and genuinely care.

UM - I fortunately have never been one to fall into rebounds. I had one situation in college, but for whatever reason, wiring or just because I tend to be a bit cautious by nature and not let people into those inner rings, I have avoided rebounds. That said, after the MLC experience, I had been terrified of finding myself in that situation.

It would be so easy to grab on to something - a need for a person in your life after being with someone for so long. I had moments of just seeing myself caving and just wanting to be loved. The reality of course is that often those rebounds will beat you down more when they don't work out. I shed a lot of tears instead on those lonely nights and wondering if I would ever move past the sadness and emptiness.

Slowly, those empty areas have filled back up, but with my own happy moments. I still desire companionship and I have really lonely moments, but I realize even in those seemingly desperate moments that I don't want a relationship that is just someone to hang out with. I am more about quality of time than quantity and so, I am willing to find that person who is into the idea of being a partner.

As for the armor getting a bit thicker, etc. I do agree and I think people's core remain the same. But, as many of us know that trick is how do you keep from becoming bitter? How do you stop from becoming a victim again. That is a choice and takes a great deal of work. It goes back to underscore how important the mirror work is for any LBS. We could have been "perfect", but after trauma, we too need to look deep inside and fix those things that were broken.

Online MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling- More determined than ever to reclaim my life
« Reply #8 on: June 15, 2018, 08:28:25 AM »
I made the mistake of answering XH's call. He texted ahead of time, I will admit, I had a heads up. He had texted when can we talk about S's college paperwork. There have been some hiccups and I am aware of them.

I THOUGHT I would give the other "parent" a chance and try and communicate.

So, when I said I was available any time, he called immediately. I wasn't exactly expecting an immediate response, but whatever.

I am not sure how receptive he thought I was going to be when he started off with "YOU changed the passwords to S's financial aid accounts". Yes, I did and S has them. I changed them when we could not log in and the tech person suggested just putting in a new password and resetting it. I am not keeping secrets from S. The financial aid forms, XH has no right to access to.

He followed with "YOUR financials need to be reviewed apparently". Not surprised and I will look into it. Considering they require 2 years of financials, one year was under my newly divorced status and having acquired the house. There were a few changes that might trigger questions.  ::)

What else you got, XH?

The favorite by far - "YOU are determined to keep S from going away to college"  :o

Yah, sure. It wasn't me filling out financial forms with both kids and going to my accountant. It isn't me looking into a financial planner and making sure my bases are covered there. No, I don't want S to have a life beyond these confines - LOL. I see S so little now. I can't argue with XH. I got annoyed and told him I would look into all of the concerns he stated.

He grumbled I was getting defensive. You think?

Funny, D and I were having fun with each other while her boyfriend sat there. I don't know what D said but my response lead to her being mildly defensive. Her boyfriend laughed and said "wow, defensive much?". D looked at me and said "ask M. That is what happens when you live with Mr. Nothing is Good Enough. You become conditioned to be defensive". Ouch.

She is right, though. It is something I still struggle with when cornered. I don't argue well. If caught off guard, I become defensive first. If I have time, I am more diplomatic and think things out.

XH still is bringing out the worst in me. I can't blame him entirely - I am responsible for my own reactions and actions, but I know being around him is just bad for me all the way around.

I will check into my S's documents once I get the furnace repairman set up to do the maintenance for the fall. (I am in fact on top of things sometimes - LOL. I know enough to schedule him when it is not so hot that people are calling about air-conditioning and heat is no longer necessary).

Hoping this is the extent of crazy from XH for the weekend. I really would like a peaceful weekend.  ::)
« Last Edit: June 15, 2018, 08:30:17 AM by MourningDove »

Online Thunder

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Re: Reassembling- More determined than ever to reclaim my life
« Reply #9 on: June 15, 2018, 09:38:06 AM »
I bet after you talked to him...or LISTENED to his complaints, you thought...why do I even bother?   ::)

That's all that call was about, Mourning.  To let you know you are not doing things right and you don't want to let you son go.

HOGWASH!  The whole conversation was hogwash!  Control and hogwash.   >:(
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

 

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