Author Topic: Discussion The real inside look of a BPD relationship  (Read 2131 times)

Offline 1troubleTopic starterTopic starter

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Discussion The real inside look of a BPD relationship
« on: June 14, 2018, 02:33:48 PM »
So I updated my thread today for the first time in ages and one of the things I talked about is how I was contacted by an old friend after 4 years.
I wont repeat the story of why we fell out, its on my thread but he is married to a borderline personality disordered woman.

I have known him since 1998 when we worked together, he also met his wife at the same company.
I knew she was possesive, I knew she was arguementative and I knew she bossed him.

We fell out over her (see my thread for details) ......but suddenly on Saturday I got a cryptic text message asking, to talk
it said to right a wrong and to get me up to date with something that should have happened a long time ago.....

so I text him back as I am not one to hold a grudge and this is what I found out......

He left her............and has suffered 20 years of conditioning and abuse...

We talked for hours and there was so much he told me ............
at times it was horrific that it was so bad......at times I felt very sorry for him
and yet it was also some sick reassurance of everything I thought H was going through because some things my friend told me mirrored what H had hinted at.......

so I wanted to share some of it with you, and I wanted to show you how people can be conditioned into just hiding this or just going along with it...even when not in MLC............this stuff could be going on with a friend, work colleague, neighbour or family member..........but these people move in on the vulnerable they can sniff them out believe me......because they know who is more pliable

Before I go on I want to say that my friend is a very kind caring person and always has been, no matter what happened back in 2014 I knew it was more to do with her than him......
he was 21 when he met her had just split from his first girlfriend and she was 5 years older and married with 2 young children, they have been together 20 years
he is 6ft 4 and she is only 4ft 10 BUT what happened to him was psychological

So he woke up with a knife to his throat last year ........its not the first time it had happened..........a week later she bought a cut throat razor for his birthday when he unwrapped it she said she thought it was something that might come in handy!!

he immediately hid it........
a week or so later the universe intervened and whilst on fakebook he saw something about a narcissist and there was a questionnaire not knowing what it was about he got her to take the quiz.........she got 9 out of 10!....it was another trigger to getting him to face up to stuff...............

you see the knife thing had happened before a few times (the cut throat razor hadn't she was upping the anti)

he said 3 years into their relationship he wrote his dad a letter and told him to keep it safe and not to open it, but if anything happened to him to take it to the police.....

Over the years I know she had thrown him out a few times, I know she phoned him all the time...and I knew she had been vyer possessive and jealous but what I didn't know is she never let him do anything, she accused him of flirting or having an affair with every female no matter what age ...
no matter where he was he had to send facetime messages showing what he was wearing, where he was and who he was with throughout all the time he was out.....
she threatened overdoses often even swallowing pills and she also put their daughter into a car and drove off at speed saying she would kill them because of imagined affair

she never wanted to go out as a couple they never went out .......
he travelled for work and she showed up at airports rushing security and screaming at him that he was going off to meet someone whne all he was doing was trying to earn money
She has turned up at all the places he worked at doing the same thing (I remember her doing this shortly before they got married)

It goes on and on..............

and now he has left her she has (if you can believe it) upped the anti even further..............it involves going to the police and threatening him with molesting her, their daughter (this one is particularly painful because it means their 17 year old daughter has to endure intimate questions from the police, she has stalked him and now is accusing him of the same and it goes on and on and on..

you might say well this is an out and out nutcase........and yes you are right...... but although I knew some of this, even seen a bit and suspected some I never ever thought it was this bad (and if you see my thread, she ended up working for me and sucking me in - before H's MLC and I started looking into BPD - now I can spot one a mile off)...

And I know from what my H has said the OW in my story is a similar sort..............he has constantly said throughout there would be lots of trouble if he left and I have seen the phone bills showing the picture texts he had to send, when I told my friend about the pictures H had all around his van of the OW ......even my friend who had suffered all what he had was shocked (says something) and   perversely I remember saying to my H months back that his OW was like E (my friends W).............and again perversely pre=MLC my H didn't trust my friends W and even said to me when she started working for me.....don't trust her..............and now he is with someone the same if not worse......

I just thought I would give you an insight to these 'relationships' because this is not sensational this goes on,

I believe there is a spectrum for BPD going from mild narricissim and lack of empathy to sociopathic...........but for many MLC stories I see on here the OW is somewhere on this spectrum IMO...

So my friend sat talking to me for hours ........I was glad I had done the research I have because I had already realised why what happened between me and his wife which lead to us losing touch had happened (the universe works in mysterious ways).....

and I had already worked out his wife amongst others in my life so far had been and are BPD (there are more around us than we think and according to stats 1 in 25 are sociopaths )
so I was able to listen...not judge him and why it had taken him so long and realise and also get him to realise that he still was thinking in a way sometimes (even though he has left her since November) in a conditioned way.....

But I am so glad and proud of him he walked away......after 20 years that took strength and of course he wasn't in MLC

Some of the saddest things was when he said "maybe it was my fault..........I worked all the time"
thankfully he then said but I wanted to make it all right for her and give her things she wanted because  she had such a bad childhood...........it was the childhood stories that hooked me in when she worked for me
maybe it was true but it was obviously the same story she used time and again to hook us........

I asked how his dad was (as she had told me when I sacked her that his dad had cancer and they were losing their home) and he cried because none of this was true and he was distressed that she had told me that stuff to justify her duplicity...
I could go on and on but I think you get the jist ,,,,,,,,,,,,

so if you suspect your spouse is in this type of scenario ..............don't even think this is the love of their life............this is a sick sick dynamic so stay on the sidelines and be calm and show them what sanity looks like............because as the crisis ends that's exactly what they need x
« Last Edit: June 14, 2018, 02:41:49 PM by 1trouble »
"I can't go back to yesterday I was a different person then"..............Alice in Wonderland

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Offline mapippa

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Re: The real inside look of a BPD relationship
« Reply #1 on: June 14, 2018, 03:16:09 PM »
I truly love reading all your posts 1Trouble ........... My h ow, the 1st time she met him stuck love bites all over his neck. If  our Daughter ever rings him while he is with it, he puts our Daughter on loud speaker, which seems to me a form of control. ow has been married 3x n is as pig ugly as Fxxx!!!

Offline Thunder

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Re: The real inside look of a BPD relationship
« Reply #2 on: June 14, 2018, 05:05:52 PM »
1t,

I can tell you from personal experience what it was like living with an abusive, narcissistic person for 18 years.

They are people who are truly born with no conscience, not morals and are very insecure.  They have delusions of grandeur.
Their whole world revolves around them.  Not a trace of apathy for anyone else.
I call them bad seeds.

They go way out of their way to control everyone around them.  If they can't control, they terrorize.
If I had not grown up as secure as I was I could easily have been swallowed up by his constant control issues, but I knew there was something terribly wrong with him.
I was 17 when I married him and he showed no signs of narcissism until later on after we were married for a few years.

I fought back, for me and my kids.  Many times, before he finally left me for another woman. 
Biggest favor he ever did for us.

I agree with you, a person who has low self-esteem can easily fall prey to these people, and once involved with them it is very hard to escape.  I'm glad your friend finally did 1t.

I'm honestly not sure how to help these people.  Unless they figure it out for themselves, I see no way to change things for them.

Very sad.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Anjae

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Re: The real inside look of a BPD relationship
« Reply #3 on: June 14, 2018, 05:52:18 PM »
BPD is problematic. And yes, some BPD people are exactly like your friend's wife.

I have no idea how are things between Mr. J and OW2, but I know she is not the love of his life. He told me he doesn't "give a f*** about her".

She is controlling and run things, she got him the lawyers, chose their flat, etc, but I don't know any details.

NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) and BDP (borderline personality disorder) aren't the same thing.

Maybe some BPD people suffer from traits of NPD, but they are different things. Your friend's wife ranked 9 out of 10 on a Facebook quiz about Narcissism. She may suffer from as well, but I wouldn't trust a Facebook quiz on it. Also, while bordelines have excessive feelings, sociopaths have no feelings.

Recently, we were told by one his sons that my maternal uncle is BDP. He is 69, have had one or two strange actions (mostly said things) over the years, but nothing that would let the rest of the family be aware of it.

I used to spend a lot of time with him when I was a child and I don't remember anything odd. I do, however, remember he lost it at me when I was looking after grandmother, found it strange and mentioned it to my mum, but it down to his health issues and a fear his mum may soon die.

I do not know what my aunt, his wife, or his boys had to deal with. I do know what grandmother and her  four chikdren had to deal with my maternal grandmother. He was never diagnosed with any illlness, but from what they say, he was eitehr borderline or BDP (it is often very difficult to know which is which).

But, whatever my grandfatehr was, he was a much milder version than what your frind's wife is.

I also don't know if all OWs are like this. RCR tends to say that not all OWs have a personality disorder (bipolar is a mood disorder), that some may show traits, but the traits may come with the situation. On her article about OW and personality disorder, RCR has more than borderline. She has, if I am not mistaken, also histrionic personality disorder.

Still, we don't know if they all are like these or like that (same with OM).

I know both Mr. Js' OW saw an easy prey, especially OW2, who become closer and closer to him when she knew he and OW1 had broke (at the time, future OW2 did not knew Mr. J was married, thought he had broke with his girlfriend).

OW1 start to put more and more pressure on him when he start to had doubts about the affair and wasn't very keen to leave. She come up with "I have been fighting for our love, our so unique love, broke my values and all I believe in to be with you. I believe in us and think we are worth fighting for. I will be so lost without you, my love" stuff (and more than is on their letters).

OW1 never wanting anything to do with legalities and courts, OW2 pushed Mr. J into those. If I had to decide wich one of them I think is more dangerous, I would say OW2. OW1 broke with Mr. J and there does not seem to have been any more contact between the two of them.

OW2 does not let go, at a point didn't want him to DJ out of where they live, unless she was present or he was djing with people she could ask what he has been up to. If he come and DJ here, he couldn't stay at MIL or SIL, had to take the first train back.

The sad thing is, borderline doesn't have a cure. Or, at least, conventional psychiatry does not have a cure for it, and, as a general rule, borderline comes from childhood issues. That is, borderlines could be, and often are, the children of parents who abandoned them, misstreat them, or, for some reason couldn't be there for them. It may also have a genetic component.

Lifestyle will impact how a borderline person acts, but borderlines are very afraid of losing attachment, they are said to over love.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline 1troubleTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The real inside look of a BPD relationship
« Reply #4 on: June 15, 2018, 12:13:04 AM »
I posted this .....NOT because I believe all our H's have AP's who are borderline, sociopaths or narcissists....because they don't.

My H's brother went through a MLC and is still with his AP (mainly because his wife immediately divorced him and was one of those 'one strike and your out types') his OW had three children by three different fathers....played the 'dumsel in distress' card on him, and to the whole family gives the impression of being very meek and mild and basically vanilla......she doesn't appear to have any sort of personality ..but when you meet her family they are love a drink are very mouthy.....uneducated...her mum tries to act like a teenager and be 'cool' with her grandkids in a very embarrassing way, her sister is so full of herself and holds court in any situation, and her dad just gets very drunk all the time....my H kept saying to me there was more about his brothers OW than meets the eye and don't buy that shy act.....
and I do vaguely remember his brother phoning him to ask about coke and telling him stories about wild sex games in a hotel (my h told him to be careful and was a bit annoyed with his brother because he had a wife and 3 kids a the time with another on the way)....
his brother was not the sort to do coke and doesn't even drink but in MLC he did it all....walked out on his pregnant wife and 3 kids a week before xmas....he has suffered a huge amount of health problems and went to the docs a few years back and had a cholesterol level of 16!!..the doctor said he should be dead! 

his OW doesn't have any sort of personality disorder she is just an affair down who was very manipulative and predatory.....and guess who is the only one in H's family who 'likes'H's OW and is going on her hen do......yep you guessed it...his brothers OW!

The purpose of posting this was to show the inside of a BPD relationship........
Yes Anjae there are subtle differences between the personality disorders but they all come down to one thing and that's the control and the conditioning of the 'victim'......
These people are broken and MLC'ers are susceptible because they too are broken.......
After reading up about BPD I realised I have a close family member who is one and it was like a lightbulb moment when I realised this.

I also realised that my H's OW is a sociopath because her behaviours were very different to my sister....she has no feelings...there are other signs...her risky behaviour, her spending habits. her job patterns, the way she discarded her last H, her low boredom threshold etc.....

Not everyone on here is dealing with a personality disordered individual but there are a lot who are imo

Personally now I can spot them straight away....
the give away signs are the black and white thinking (everything is either good or bad/right or wrong.....) their opinions are the only ones that matter...
They are experts in everything ....they become easily distracted if the convo is not about them or they distract one person away from a group discussion because they have to monopolise the convo...

In the beginning they 'love bomb' you .....they are the most amazing kind caring person the best friend the most selfless person....they seem to like what you like, be interested in everything you do and say, flatter you, help you. nothing is too much trouble....

But in this phase they are sussing you out, working out what makes you tick and also making you trust them.....
They will always have the same interests as you because there only interest is in manipulating you, they dont have any genuine interest in anything

and slowly and subtly things change ..........
Actually if you are on the look out for anything suspicious you can see it in the love bomb stage........they will compliment you and when they have your attention make it all about them....

Listen what they say about family and friends....because they will either be vague or will be dismissive .......because they lack empathy and genuine feeling   
They wont have any long term friends (unless those friends are very insecure and with low self esteem) because the lose friends when they are no longer of use to them or when healthy people see through them

If people start to realise what they are like they demonise them be it people in authority or friends or partners (another example of the black and white thinking)

and then there is the drama, everything is dramatic, they go from being nice one minute to screaming the next, they have huge mood swings which are not obvious in the beginning but when they know they 'have you' then they will have more of them...
they will ruin any family party if its not all about them, they will always be feigning illness to get attention....if something happens to them, even the most innocuous thing it becomes the biggest worst dramatic event ever....
nothing is good enough for them you cant do anything right, but because of the fallout you keep trying...I could go on


I will post some articles I have later....

Another reason I posted this was not only because I wanted to help those who's spouse maybe in this sort of relationship but for LBS's who want to date..

Sometimes I see LBS's who are lonely and broken and decide to date........they are particularly vulnerable to these people so please anyone who is going out into the dating pool be aware...if someone is too good to be true......it might mean they are a personality disordered person

They are not all out and out nuts they can be very subtle in their approach so look out......it could be "a friend" work colleague or a potential partner.......
"I can't go back to yesterday I was a different person then"..............Alice in Wonderland

you NEVER know how strong you are, until being strong is the ONLY choice you have"

Offline Treasur

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Re: The real inside look of a BPD relationship
« Reply #5 on: June 15, 2018, 12:34:44 AM »
Thank you for sharing this 1t. As you say there is a benefit and a risk to focusing on it. The risk is thinking too much about our spouses’ R with ow/om and making assumptions to make ourselves feel better perhaps. The benefit is maybe to protect ourselves from being sucked into ow/om drama and being aware of the flags in others we meet
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

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Offline Defying_Gravity

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Re: The real inside look of a BPD relationship
« Reply #6 on: June 15, 2018, 01:23:48 AM »
This certainly something to look out for. If I ever go out on dates again. I also want to avoid a potential MLC'er#2. I guess I could notice that by a lack of confidence. My h was never really confident about himself! I was the same, but have outgrown this.

I don't know my H OW very well, but from what I do know. She doesn't seem like someone with BPD. She is or manipulative and just wants to have an A, because she is bored in her marriage and will show her true colors soon. Or she is an MLC'er too and will leave her h soon for my h. Either way I guess it won't turn out very well, but I can never be sure of this. They might end up having a wonderful live together too. This last outcome is what would hurt me the most.
Me: 33
H: 39
T: 9 M: almost 3
No kids, been trying to conceive for almost 3 years (with a one year break in between)
BD1: December 2017, OW sends inappropriate texts to H. H keeps this a secret until I discover it. Basically EA
March 2018: H claims having doubts about our R
BD2: April 2018: H wants a divorce and ILYBINILWY
A with OW, probably PA but no confirmation. OW is still married
H left home. I'm no longer standing.
D process fully ongoing, will probably be finished April 2019

Offline Anjae

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Re: The real inside look of a BPD relationship
« Reply #7 on: June 15, 2018, 05:52:22 AM »

1trouble, the way you write, makes it sound like you are out to get people with mental illness.

Because borderlines, and other personality disorders are not broken, they are ill. Personality disorders are a mental illnesses. We can call them broke, but it is an illness.

My uncle we now know has Borderline is not an expert in everything (his is, and always was, an expert in his area), nor is he dismissive of family and friends.

Yes, some are easy to spot right away, and others are not. Like you wrote, some are subtle and only reveal their true colours afterwards. In those cases, it is not that possible to know until afterwards.

I am not saying we should date this people, they are very problematic, just that they did not choose to be this way, they are a phsychiatric condition that, for whatever reason, makes them be the way they are. Unless they get professional help, and it has to be very good help, and stick to it,

I am well aware of psychiatric disorders, several family members have, or had, since some have already died, psychiatric illnesses.

As for MLCer, well, MLCers are vulnerable to anyone that makes them feel good.

What I have seen in real life, is many men like your friend (MLCers or not), love those needy, controling women. They love crazy women and pass on healthy, and go for the crazy ones.

Borderline women in particular have an intensity that raptures men. They find them fascinating. Often, all the signs are there, they still go ahead.

As for your friend, he got involved with a married woman with two small children. That alone, regardless of anything else, is/was a red flag. I know he was 21, and had just split from is girfriend, but 21 is not 15. And 21 decades ago was not like 21 now. Of course, when he saw himself too deep in, he couldn't leave because borderlines will make it almost impossible for people to leave.

But the reason is not the person they got involved with, it is them. Their fear of rejection and being left. However, they are so controlling, so jealous, that rather than find love, they help a person captive.

I also want to avoid a potential MLC'er#2.


Unless the person is already in crisis, that is nearly impossible. We have no idea who will, or will not, have a MLC.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline 1troubleTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The real inside look of a BPD relationship
« Reply #8 on: June 15, 2018, 06:43:49 AM »

1trouble, the way you write, makes it sound like you are out to get people with mental illness.


IF you knew me in real life you would know that you couldn't be further from the truth...……….

everything I do is to share knowledge and some of my experiences with borderlines are from real life experiences
Whilst it maybe considered a mental illness, most BPD people go undiagnosed because some can run rings round therapists, change therapists
when they get too close to the truth or don't think there is  anything wrong with them .

The reason for my post was to give more information to others on here who may not know about this that's all....not demonise
them but show how they think...because they can seriously effect your life, self esteem etc.  and mental illness or not they hurt people

and whilst we are on the subject about the way I write, then can I just say that the way you write is sometimes very offensive and
can come over very high handed and slightly aggressive as if no-one knows as much as you do about the brain and psychology
discussion is discussion you don't have to attack

 


Because borderlines, and other personality disorders are not broken, they are ill. Personality disorders are a mental illnesses. We can call them broke, but it is an illness.

but ill or not they can be hurt people a psychopath is also ill but you would want to know how to recognise one...I know I would
the jury is out whether hitler was a psychopath or sociopath....do we say well he was mentally ill so lets remember that...when we look back at history?

Basically people with this type of mental illness can be very dangerous to our own mental health because of their total lack of empathy
And like it or not a lot of the people here have MLC'ers who have been a product of emotionally unavailable parents and in that mix is BPD parents/narcissist parents/ anti social parents etc.
so part of this discussion was to show some of the behaviours......and there are a lot of people on here who's MLC'er AP is also someone with a personality disorder....

and we call our MLC'er broken when they too are suffering from a mental illness (depression) so why not a personality disordered person?     

 

My uncle we now know has Borderline is not an expert in everything (his is, and always was, an expert in his area), nor is he dismissive of family and friends.

Yes, some are easy to spot right away, and others are not. Like you wrote, some are subtle and only reveal their true colours afterwards. In those cases, it is not that possible to know until afterwards.

As I said I have one in the family and when I thought back there are quite a few I have come across (my friends wife is one of them) I also work with another one...…...they are not all exactly the same but I have noticed these traits...…

 

 
I am not saying we should date this people, they are very problematic, just that they did not choose to be this way, they are a phsychiatric condition that, for whatever reason, makes them be the way they are. Unless they get professional help, and it has to be very good help, and stick to it,

I am well aware of psychiatric disorders, several family members have, or had, since some have already died, psychiatric illnesses.

As for MLCer, well, MLCers are vulnerable to anyone that makes them feel good.

What I have seen in real life, is many men like your friend (MLCers or not), love those needy, controling women. They love crazy women and pass on healthy, and go for the crazy ones.

Borderline women in particular have an intensity that raptures men. They find them fascinating. Often, all the signs are there, they still go ahead.

I am not telling anyone to do anything I am just trying to making people aware...….these people lack empathy so they can hurt people, and this board is full of very vulnerable people

these people usually seek out people pleasers and conflict avoiders as that can sometimes go hand in had with low self esteem and all this can sometimes make people pliable to the needs and wants of a BP and whereas you are right, some men love to be needed, I dont think anyone (unless they have some sort of masochistic need or perversion) ever walks into, or choses a controlling relationship, the control comes much later.
 

 As for your friend, he got involved with a married woman with two small children. That alone, regardless of anything else, is/was a red flag. I know he was 21, and had just split from is girfriend, but 21 is not 15. And 21 decades ago was not like 21 now. Of course, when he saw himself too deep in, he couldn't leave because borderlines will make it almost impossible for people to leave.

But the reason is not the person they got involved with, it is them. Their fear of rejection and being left. However, they are so controlling, so jealous, that rather than find love, they help a person captive.

Actually she had just left her 1st husband and my friend took on her two kids .....and she got pregnant within 3 months of them being together!
everyone tried to tell him to walk away....or run away....because we could see what was happening ………..but you cant tell anyone in the thick of it and he is a nice man and he brought up her two kids as well as his daughter and I think it was his daughter that kept him there for so long (she is now 19)
and yes I know borderlines fear rejection but that doesn't make it right the things she is doing now to him or there daughter...

 Lastly if you do want to set up a 'protect the borderline personailty from being misunderstood' group on here
I dont think there will be many who'll join you...or maybe I am wrong 


« Last Edit: June 15, 2018, 06:51:45 AM by 1trouble »
"I can't go back to yesterday I was a different person then"..............Alice in Wonderland

you NEVER know how strong you are, until being strong is the ONLY choice you have"

Offline Defying_Gravity

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Re: The real inside look of a BPD relationship
« Reply #9 on: June 15, 2018, 07:59:47 AM »
I also want to avoid a potential MLC'er#2.
Unless the person is already in crisis, that is nearly impossible. We have no idea who will, or will not, have a MLC.

I'm not really sure this is true. Of course I can never know for certain what is heading my way. But it seems to me many MLC'ers are people with low self esteem. That is something you can avoid! But of course I can be wrong about that.
Me: 33
H: 39
T: 9 M: almost 3
No kids, been trying to conceive for almost 3 years (with a one year break in between)
BD1: December 2017, OW sends inappropriate texts to H. H keeps this a secret until I discover it. Basically EA
March 2018: H claims having doubts about our R
BD2: April 2018: H wants a divorce and ILYBINILWY
A with OW, probably PA but no confirmation. OW is still married
H left home. I'm no longer standing.
D process fully ongoing, will probably be finished April 2019

 

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