Author Topic: Discussion The real inside look of a BPD relationship  (Read 2119 times)

Offline RedStar

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Discussion Re: The real inside look of a BPD relationship
« Reply #20 on: June 17, 2018, 11:51:09 AM »
the OW is attempting to work something out by "triumphing" over her.

When I've observed OP in the past, I've thought similarly. Whether it's a PD, low self-esteem, abandonment issues, whatever, OPs have a compulsion to take someone else's partner, "proving" their worth by turning the affections of an already attached person toward them. Sad and sick. Of course, those usually then drop the conquest since that was the only thing they really wanted.

I don't actually know if the OW in my situation is driving the thing at all. From the little I've observed, it has looked like it's all about my H's low self-esteem and him being her hero whether she wants one or not. She's someone in chronic distress, naturally, but I don't really know if she encouraged him.

Quote
This is obviously a drama and attention seeker

However, this is most certainly true of this OW. Very much an attention wh0r^, which, of course, my real H would have paid no mind to if he'd been in his right one. Now? IRRESISTIBLE.

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Re: The real inside look of a BPD relationship
« Reply #21 on: June 17, 2018, 12:25:11 PM »
With the hindsight I now have the ex ow and the ex truly deserved each other.

The drama and the lies that went.on in that relationship blew it up in about a year.
The very best thing you can do is leave these two very damaged people to deal with each other and stay out of it. Damaged due to whatever BPD NPD.

The less involvement you have the quicker it will blow up..more importantly the less emotional and mental  damage you will do to yourself.

Then if you really do feel like you want your spouse back you have to give them time to get over their "fantasy" relationship. Another year..two?

If they get involved right away with somone else it can start the whole cycle over again.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline Thunder

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Re: The real inside look of a BPD relationship
« Reply #22 on: June 17, 2018, 01:08:24 PM »
In It, I'm not sure my 1st H was ever with a narcissistic ow.  I truly think there would have been too much competition for a narcissist to share the lime light.  Sick and broken, but not a narcissist.
Narcs want all the attention on them.  He had many women through out our marriage, but most didn't last once he got caught.  He used them until they no longer served his purpose.

The ones I knew about seemed to be nice, but vulnerable women.  One was an alcoholic, one was a single mom struggling to raise her kids.  I think that one he charmed.  He was going to take care of her.  Never happened, he dropped her like a hot potato when I threatened to kick him out.

None of these women meant anything to him, just an ego boost.  Even after our divorce he used one after another.  Some for money, some just for attention.  Some wised up soon, others had to be dragged down to see what he was.

A Narcissist does not have normal, human feelings.  They only care about you when it benefits them, this includes their children.

If your H/W is a people pleaser and a conflict avoider, they are not a Narcissists, but their OP may very well be because they prey on people like that and it's very hard to get them away from these people.  They will use blackmail or anything else to keep them in line.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online Milly

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Re: The real inside look of a BPD relationship
« Reply #23 on: June 17, 2018, 02:52:27 PM »
1T, thank you very much for sharing your friend's experience with his BPD wife. She sounds just like my H's OW. Everything he said about her sounds like my H's OW. This does help me because it proves what I suspected, the OW has my H completely under her thumb, consciously or consciously against his will.

I am one of the LBS whose self esteem has been shattered by the affair and not by being abandoned. The two have caused me trauma, but it is the affair that destroyed me as a person. The OW in my story sounded like such a perfect woman, ex model, tall, skinny, no cellulite as my D23 told me, very sweet as H said, supportive of him, plays his sports with him, skinny dips with him, very beautiful as multiple people in my village told me. To hear that she's a scam really does help me. To hear that my H is probably living a life on egg shells, scared to leave her, controlled, full of drama, continuous fights helps me. It's not the schmoopie land that my shattered self esteem feared.

And the stuff your friend tells you about his W, I've heard happened with my H. I have heard from witnesses that OW tried to strangle my H in public, that she fights and insults him in public. She is a predator as I saw her very first email to my H asking him out even though she knew he was married with kids. Yes, I totally agree that with this kind of BPD the OP gets pleasure from prying a man or woman from their spouse. And that's not enough, they want to pry their children away as well.

I realize that not all OP are like this, but it certainly seems that many of the OP involved with a MLCer are. MLCers are in a huge personal crisis when this kind of OP arrives in their lives.

The MLCer has low self esteem since for ever. They are already doubting their spouse and their life as is when this sick OP with an agenda pops up looking like a perfect partner. Once the MLCer is hooked, the OP turns outwardly crazy but the MLCer can't cope. A healthy person finds it hard to leave a BPD person as your friend says, go figure a weak MLCer. My H did say to me in an email almost 2 years ago: Do you know how hard it is to leave someone who is emotionally blackmailing you? At the time I didn't understand what he meant. My H also told his lawyer 18 months ago when we were having a reconnection, that the OW was crazy.

So thank you so much 1T. Your post is certainly helping me tonight. I would like to hear more from people who've lived with people with this kind of disorder.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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Re: The real inside look of a BPD relationship
« Reply #24 on: June 17, 2018, 04:44:52 PM »
Thunder

The true colors of the exow didn't come out until he told her he would not marry her. So at some point he had proposed to her or told her they would get married.
He was pretty much always self centered and selfish and abusive.

That's after her fawning all over him for months and selling her house thinking their happily ever after was going to happen. And the girls wanted nothing to do with him if he did that.

So that's when the drama started. She wasn't going to get her way so that's when the $h!te hit the fan.

He was messed up that's for sure his ego needed stroking big time and she knew just how to do that being an ex prostitute.
He got her out of the house by intimidating her and making a veiled threat of violence.

She stole money from him which of course pissed him off and created as much drama as possible( which is what he thrives on- the drama) before she was out of the picture.

 All he said to me was "She knew it was time to leave"
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline Thunder

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Re: The real inside look of a BPD relationship
« Reply #25 on: June 17, 2018, 05:20:45 PM »
Wow In It, she sounds so screwed up.

She was trying to control him and he didn't let her in the end.

Maybe he was at a point where her manipulation was not working any more.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Re: The real inside look of a BPD relationship
« Reply #26 on: June 17, 2018, 07:15:45 PM »
Yep her lies weren't adding up. He finally caught on..
They were both lying to each other anyway.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline 1troubleTopic starterTopic starter

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"I can't go back to yesterday I was a different person then"..............Alice in Wonderland

you NEVER know how strong you are, until being strong is the ONLY choice you have"

Offline Velika

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Re: The real inside look of a BPD relationship
« Reply #28 on: June 18, 2018, 07:52:21 PM »
I am one of the LBS whose self esteem has been shattered by the affair and not by being abandoned. The two have caused me trauma, but it is the affair that destroyed me as a person. The OW in my story sounded like such a perfect woman, ex model, tall, skinny, no cellulite as my D23 told me, very sweet as H said, supportive of him, plays his sports with him, skinny dips with him, very beautiful as multiple people in my village told me. To hear that she's a scam really does help me. To hear that my H is probably living a life on egg shells, scared to leave her, controlled, full of drama, continuous fights helps me. It's not the schmoopie land that my shattered self esteem feared.

Milly, I just want to caution you that in a state of trauma, you may not be correctly perceiving OW.

When I first realized who the OW was I was shocked. She didn't seem like his type and I didn't find her attractive. But then my mind started to play tricks on me and I began to see her as "beautiful." In a traumatized state, I just wanted to make sense of what was happening.

Big hugs.

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Re: The real inside look of a BPD relationship
« Reply #29 on: June 19, 2018, 04:18:37 AM »
If she’s so perfect, why would she be okay with sleeping with a married man and destroying a family?

H-54
me-52
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...semi-vanisher
https://heneversaidaword.com

 

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