Author Topic: My Story Riding the wave of acceptance.  (Read 1146 times)

Offline AusgatorgirlTopic starter

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My Story Riding the wave of acceptance.
« on: June 15, 2018, 05:52:20 PM »
Another long time lurker but newbie.

My story is the same but as you all know - it has its own twists and turns, is long and complicated, and full of grief and loss.

Long marriage (34 years at BD), great family life, loving husband and then 'poof' all gone. I will give you a brief overview and would appreciate any words of wisdom. I was a bit late on identifying that my H may be MLC and would have taken me about 4 months to realise this was something more than depression.

His mum died in 2013 while he was away from our family doing a language course. Our sex life had virtually been extinguished (I thought) due to my entering menopause, our son had major depression and the pressures of the life we had at that time.

We moved overseas in 2014 and life was great. He worked very, very hard and was doing an amazing job.

Our sex life did not improve and the once yearly 'try' was disastrous (ED). But I made the same excuses that he was very busy and tired, my menopause, plus I trusted him entirely. I never, never doubted our marriage. Stupid me!

In late 2016, his assistant in the job caused a deal of trouble and literally she bailed from the position as part of 'stress' of the job and my H had to do his job plus hers until he could remove her in August 2017 and they could find a replacement. In September 2017, I talked to H about moving back home as I wanted to go back to work. He was adamant that I don't leave and was almost hysterical about the prospect. I thought he was worried about being alone so I dropped it.

End of the year he started to talk a lot about one of his staff members. The name kept coming up how much of great person they were. At our annual Christmas Party in 2017 I was approached by one of the guests who asked me why my H and I don't wear wedding rings. I told him the truth - my H had broken his early in our marriage and we had not fixed it, and I had arthritis so don't wear any jewellery on my hands. He was quite cocky and said "oh, I just wanted to know why?". This was the first time, anyone in our 34 years of marriage had asked me that. I told my H as it was weird.

Early 2017, things changed. The persons name came up all theme in all conversations on where my H was going (on business) that night. I was told they were a great person; a 'buddy'; they had a partner (never saw any partner) but you get the gist of it. Much happened at this time but it was very busy but my H was really well liked and invited out all the time on business. He continued to be loving but no intimacy and he was avoidant.

He started to say he was amazing at his job and he was the best person who had ever done the job. He started to say condescending things to me, he was an extrovert and I was an introvert. It was not him at all and I found it embarrassing.

In March 2017, I decided to go back to my home country and prepare a rental in my home town for us to move into while we decided what we wanted to do in retirement (which was Dec 2017) after 35 years. When I came back after 5 weeks, EVERYTHING had changed and is when I believe now an EA went into a PA. This was 6 weeks before we were due to leave the country.

No saying I love you, holding hands, being close and he was out 5/6 days a week. At one time I even side "our children will be really angry if you divorce me". I can't believe I actually said that but I must have subconsciously known.

BD (your my best friend but I don't love you) was 11 August 2017 as we prepared to leave. It was when we had a major fight because he wanted to take his 'buddy' to the airport. I couldn't understand because, it would take his 'friend' 1 hour to get to the airport on a train and it would take my H 4 hour round trip to take him. I was angry because this was 'our' time, the job had finished the day before.

Completely distressed at BD, I immediately flew back to my family where the rental house was - thinking my H was having a breakdown and he needed space. Thinking he would get on another flight after me - which of course he didn't. He moved in with the other person and stayed in the country for a further 3 weeks.

During this time I received 64 emails in 24 days on items he wanted from our house (e.g. one picture of our wedding day, pictures of the better times of our lives; the Bose stereo? etc). After a week I had been back, close friends ring him and he tells them our marriage was over. He didn't tell me this at all so I was shocked. I asked him to stop sending me emails as I was too distressed. I arranged MC but he didn't want to talk about reconciliation - H just wanted to find out why he was feeling like this. I then knew, MC would be hopeless at this time, so I decided not to go but I think he went at least three times because they were booked. 

We have had very limited correspondence since then (only through lawyers) and I have spoken to him only about 3 times. He is a complete vanisher from my life.

In November 2017 I rang H and asked what is going on - his children, and I, wanted to know. Previously he denied any affair even telling our daughter there was no one else (lie). He broke down crying and said he had been going out and sleeping with many, many, many women and he had fallen in love with two. He said, he wanted to be single, go to bars and meet new people. This is when I knew there was something else and this was not a 'normal' marriage breakdown.

Close, lifetime friends met with him on his return to our country, but never tell me what conversations went on. I am thinking he was adamant that our marriage was over and there was nothing to do. None have met with him since.

Like many, his family have shut down to me. I was their contact during our 34 years marriage. His eldest sister tells me that she told him she would not ask him about his relationship as that was his business. She is the one he now contacts, she tells him anything I told her in confidence and she no longer responds to my emails even though they are brief and kind.

He has been contacting his children about twice a month, who say he is 'just like their dad' except they feel he is wearing a mask (they know EVERYTHING that has gone on).

I have only reached out to him two times. End of 2017, I sent him an email saying I didn't want a divorce but understand how he feels this way (he returned to the country we left to spend christmas). I told him I would not date until our marriage was terminated as I wanted to honour our vows and the memory of his mother (who loved me and I am sure would have not allowed him to do this). And I told him I hope 2018 would be a better year than 2017. He did not respond.

The second one was in March 2018 where he had been asking my children how I was. I sent an upbeat email asking him not to ask them as it was not fair and if he needed to know how I was he could email or call me. I said I was excited about my future with our children and that I was 'moving on with my life'. Of course his reply just cut me apart. No empathy, no love saying he was 'glad, that I was moving onwards' and that maybe it will be 'years' before we will be comfortable around each other again.

Where I am today?

I am travelling around our country after using some of my savings to buy a car and caravan. I have given myself 8 months. I do have an income from superannuation and I would be able to live on this income for future, but feel I need to go back to work early next year to boost that, plus I need to be doing something productive. But during this time it has helped me focus back onto myself after so many years of marriage. But yes, it is lonely and I miss everything I had.

Recently my H met with my children and is moving this week from the city where they live. My daughter said she is glad as it was making her anxious knowing I would return end of this year with him being there. I would agree, I cannot face him atm. He still works in the same organisation, but is semi retired.

I have a feeling he is starting to come down from the high of his affair (my daughter says "mum it won't last"). He has returned to the country two times that I know of, and is still running. I wouldn't be surprised if he gets another job overseas as this seems to be the lifestyle he is seeking and he will probably marry someone soon after divorce.

But of course, I won't know anything until it happens.

From reading this website I know I would probably have one of the extreme cases of Escape and Avoid (Vanisher). I would have never thought our marriage would come to this. The losses are incredible.

I still love him deeply, but I know in my heart he has no feelings for me at the moment.

So what do you others think?

I have no expectations but know I will be divorced probably around early 2019. In the financial settlement he received everything in cash - I received a townhouse that our children are living in; all furniture and effects and some cash, plus we both retained 50/50 split in superannuation for life.

I was adamant in retaining the furniture and effects because I didn't want him to feel 'at home' with (my?) beautiful things around him that were obtained during our lifetime. I wanted him to 'get a new life' if that is what he wants. I know he wants to be invited to family occasions, but I will not be doing that either unless he makes a mighty effort to reconnect. Have others felt this way?

Of course I do have some hopium that he will come through this and we will reconnect. I do believe we were, and have always been, a great match and I know we could have become stronger by getting over this as a couple - but this hasn't been an option for me.

I continue down this road I am taken on - I believe I am a stander by heart but not mind. I guess I am in acceptance.

Thanks for listening.
Me: 57
H: 58
S30, D27
Together for 34 years
BD 11 August 2017
OW - yes, maybe multiple
H: Vanisher and Avoider
M: Letting go, trusting the process.

Offline Mae

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Re: Riding the wave of acceptance.
« Reply #1 on: June 15, 2018, 06:47:10 PM »
Welcome to the forum Aus....glad you have found us.

The loss is overwhelming isn't it........and now we find ourselves living a life totally different from what we thought it would be.

You have come a long long way already, well done.

I love your title thread.....I too am doing my best to ride the wave of acceptance but I still so often get dumped by the waves and feel like I'm drowning still.

It's hard with a vanisher.....they seem to have no problem in cutting you completely out of their lives.

Fabulous what you are doing now in your caravan travelling around. I am still tied to a large mortgage with dependent teens so no flying the coup for me yet.

Hugs Aus, I know that this is very hard but you are doing great.
Me: 50
H: 40
S19, D15
Together for 19 years
BDay in 2004, 2011 and now March 5 2017
Ran away on 5 March BD
No OW
Returned home 'underdone' 1 July 2017.
Left again 22 October 2017.
H - Silent and non-communicative

Offline OldPilot

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Re: Riding the wave of acceptance.
« Reply #2 on: June 15, 2018, 07:40:44 PM »
Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
GAL.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4.msg380#msg380

Developing Detachment
http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.
Please stay on one thread until that thread reaches 150 posts as it is easier to keep track of that way.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Offline hopeandfaith

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Re: Riding the wave of acceptance.
« Reply #3 on: June 15, 2018, 11:19:37 PM »
Welcome Aus.  You sound amazing for having been at this for less than a year.  I am also amazed that you are travelling the wide open spaces of our lovely country on your own.  That takes great courage.  Let me know if you find yourself travelling through the southern states ;)
BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved out July 2017
D19, D17 and S15

Offline AusgatorgirlTopic starter

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Re: Riding the wave of acceptance.
« Reply #4 on: June 16, 2018, 05:08:35 AM »
Thank you Mae. After the shock of BD and subsequent misery and grief, I can actually see where the LBS starts to get stronger and the MLCer starts to become weaker. Although a divorce seems imminent for me, I feel quite strong, mentally and physically like the tide is turning?? H seems to be escape & avoid king, I can feel my younger stronger self rising out of the ashes of our marriage. Mind you I will prob fall in a heap tomorrow!

Thank you Hope, I have a feeling we may be on different Continents! Do you have kangaroos in your back yard?
Me: 57
H: 58
S30, D27
Together for 34 years
BD 11 August 2017
OW - yes, maybe multiple
H: Vanisher and Avoider
M: Letting go, trusting the process.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Riding the wave of acceptance.
« Reply #5 on: June 16, 2018, 07:36:32 AM »
Hi Aus,

I'm sorry to hear about your H.  They do go off the deep end, don't they?

You sound so good and strong for things being so early on.

Only advice I have is keep living your life as you have been.
If or when your H ever gets through his crisis he may have a lot of catching up to do.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Mae

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Re: Riding the wave of acceptance.
« Reply #6 on: June 16, 2018, 10:55:43 AM »
You are a lot closer to me I think Oz.

Good that you are preparing yourself for 'D', I'm thinking of initiating D myself next year.

Raising a toast here for your continuing strength, cheers!
Me: 50
H: 40
S19, D15
Together for 19 years
BDay in 2004, 2011 and now March 5 2017
Ran away on 5 March BD
No OW
Returned home 'underdone' 1 July 2017.
Left again 22 October 2017.
H - Silent and non-communicative

Offline AusgatorgirlTopic starter

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Re: Riding the wave of acceptance.
« Reply #7 on: June 16, 2018, 03:01:38 PM »
Thanks Thunder,

I appreciate your advice.

I could see this is completely out of my hands.

I imagine this as a train. We can either be pushed off a moving train or we get off at a station. I got off at the station.

Now I will have to walk to continue my journey.

I have stood aside to let the train pass. I know from here that either I will come across a train wreck or a station in the future. It is then that I will have to decide whether to stop and help or get back on the train.

The possibility is though - like any journey, you don’t know if the track will split in two or how many other stations there will be in the line, but all you can do is keep walking.

That’s what I am doing, I am walking, but I am going to make sure I enjoy the scenery as I continue on the track.

I think that’s all any of us can do.

Thanks Mae, cheers to you too my little cousin over the sea?

D



« Last Edit: June 16, 2018, 04:33:35 PM by Ausgatorgirl »
Me: 57
H: 58
S30, D27
Together for 34 years
BD 11 August 2017
OW - yes, maybe multiple
H: Vanisher and Avoider
M: Letting go, trusting the process.

Offline hopeandfaith

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Re: Riding the wave of acceptance.
« Reply #8 on: June 16, 2018, 03:46:30 PM »
I like your very visual description of your journey - I might borrow that.

I do have Kangaroos in my backyard. Well, not literally, I only have 2 little dogs but you know what I mean  ;)
BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved out July 2017
D19, D17 and S15

Offline AusgatorgirlTopic starter

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Re: Riding the wave of acceptance.
« Reply #9 on: June 16, 2018, 03:53:33 PM »
Haha Hope - yep I know what you mean ;D
Me: 57
H: 58
S30, D27
Together for 34 years
BD 11 August 2017
OW - yes, maybe multiple
H: Vanisher and Avoider
M: Letting go, trusting the process.

 

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