Author Topic: My Story Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!  (Read 4062 times)

Offline UnconditionalLoveTopic starter

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« Last Edit: June 26, 2018, 07:23:54 PM by Thunder »
God is with her, she will not fall
Psalms 46:5
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Offline Thunder

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #1 on: June 26, 2018, 07:22:00 PM »
UL, you know I am following your journey.  It's been a long road.

I hope this new thread will be a new start for you.

Much love, prayers and strength sending your way.

{{Big warm Hug}}

A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline UnconditionalLoveTopic starter

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #2 on: June 26, 2018, 07:23:48 PM »
Thank you Thunder! I do too!
God is with her, she will not fall
Psalms 46:5
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Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #3 on: June 26, 2018, 10:20:54 PM »
Can't believe you are ONLY ::) four years in!  I thought you were here when I started posting, five years ago. 

You are just a newbie ;D

I do hope he hits bottom soon, we are all so tired of MLC and its stupidity. 

So sorry you have to file for bankruptcy, MLC is the gift that just keeps on giving.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Lioness

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #4 on: June 28, 2018, 05:10:37 PM »
Following UL!

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #5 on: August 07, 2018, 09:24:04 PM »
Attaching

Offline Milly

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #6 on: August 08, 2018, 11:28:38 AM »
UL, I'm so sorry you had to file bankruptcy. You're not the first, what a shame. It's a hard hit at this point in our lives after all the hard work. I am, however, certain you're going to get back on your feet again and even if not as financially secure as you should be, at least you'll have control of your money from now on.
Good luck, UL.xxxx
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline same33

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #7 on: August 08, 2018, 01:22:25 PM »
Wow. Just skimmed through your threads. You recognized early and have been through it all in the last 4 years.

Wishing you well in this next phase of your journey!
M-44
W-41
S12, S9, S7
Married 9/25/2004
13 years of marriage
BD#1- December 22, 2014
BD#2- January 2, 2018
D filed 6/25/2018

Offline UnconditionalLoveTopic starter

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #8 on: August 09, 2018, 06:02:38 PM »
Thanks everyone!  Today is officially filing day!  If you go back and read my thread I knew from day one that this day would come.  I knew just about everything my ex would walk through.  He just didn’t have the ability to take on all that he wanted. His MLC fed him a bunch of crap he bought into. Here is a summary
He met a girl 20 years younger than himself
Force me to divorce him so he could say that I did
Told me he was upset with me because he didn’t get to go to med school
Got into conspiracy crap with girl
Would go with me to have liver surgery
Took money from the 401 K
Tried to get into storage unite
Tried to get into my desktop computer
Quick his job here where we moved to
He left and followed girl
Quick a job he where the girl is
Stopped paying on all accounts
Started lower my alimony
Lost his business where the girl is
Is having health problems
Is now at bottom and the fun between him and girl is just beginning

He has taken me to the bottom with him the difference is I saw it coming and despite what he has done I am still surviving.  I have now haven’t had any contact with him in over 2 months which is longer than I have ever gone.  This man has lost it all.  I’m sure he is blaming it on everyone else but at some point he will have to look at himself, right?  There is so much more in between all that I wrote.  I remember when I first came here I wrote where do we fit because although I thought he was going through a MLC he wasn’t doing anything crazy yet.  And then...left fell apart and crazy set in.  Oct will be my 3 year divorce.  WOW. What a journey.
God is with her, she will not fall
Psalms 46:5
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Offline Thunder

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #9 on: August 12, 2018, 06:25:21 AM »
Yes a journey I never want to take again, thank you very much.   ::)

How is your liver doing now, UL? 
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline UnconditionalLoveTopic starter

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #10 on: August 19, 2018, 05:55:09 PM »
Thunder,
This spring I went to Denver to see my oncologist who specializes in what I have.  He said I was unimpressionable. LOL! He said that I am stable and that I wouldn’t need a surgery for another 3 to 5 years.  He said you have just been through 5 years of hell and you are holding up health wise remarkable. 

Then last week I found out that my blood levels of hormones have doubled.  So, I don’t know what’s going on.  I just filed bankruptcy and I have a new roommate I hate and yes that’s strong for me.  But I am doing what I have to do to make it through this time but I think it’s playing a number on my hormone levels.

Thanks for asking
God is with her, she will not fall
Psalms 46:5
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Offline UnconditionalLoveTopic starter

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #11 on: August 19, 2018, 06:00:55 PM »
Oh and just to add an update.  It’s been 2 months and no communication between ex and I.  That is the longest time ever for us.  I rejoice about that and then I feel like he’s slipping away.  I bounce back and forth.  I don’t even know if he has a job.  I have to find out but I haven’t wanted to contact him.  I was hoping he would contact me about something and then I could ask if he is close to a job.
God is with her, she will not fall
Psalms 46:5
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Offline Thunder

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #12 on: August 19, 2018, 06:08:22 PM »
Aw UL. sorry to hear you don't like your roommate.
What is the problem with her/him?

But happy to hear no surgeries for a few years.  Gives you some time.
Any reason for your blood levels to be so high?

A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline UnconditionalLoveTopic starter

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #13 on: August 19, 2018, 06:30:22 PM »
My tumors have grown but are still small.  So even though they are small they could be producing more hormones then they should or...I have other tumors somewhere else.  I haven’t had a whole body scan so that could be a possibility.  Mostly, I think it’s stress.  Although it’s gone up the last 3 blood draws. 

She’s um crazy?  Literally,  I can’t go into it but her pass is crazy.  She watches tv really loud but doesn’t let me watch my show and will talk right through them.  She swears like a sailor, talks loud.  Makes up illness.  She has them all.  Etc, etc. LOL!  I guess I got use to being a lone. 
God is with her, she will not fall
Psalms 46:5
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Offline Thunder

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #14 on: August 19, 2018, 06:55:49 PM »
Ugh..UL.. you don't need to put up with that!

Nip it in the bud.  No loud TV and please no talking through my shows.
Honestly she needs rules.  If you don't she will continue to do this.

Gosh we could live together. 

My son had to go through a few roommates until he found the right one.  You have to be fussy, hon.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #15 on: August 21, 2018, 05:49:50 AM »
Sorry about the crazy room mate, think you've have enough of crazy for one lifetime UL?   :o ;D

Seriously, get rid of them, life is too precious to waste on people who treat us badly.

I know there's not much to update for us 'old timers' but if it helps to be here and have a chuckle at the lives of our MLCers, please come back more often.  We all know what you are going through and will never judge.

Take care my friend,

Much love,

Savvy  xx
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline UnconditionalLoveTopic starter

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #16 on: August 26, 2018, 06:33:01 PM »
Thanks Savoir
I am really done with everyone else’s crazy for sure!

So, I went over 2 months without my ex or I communicating but I decided to texted him Saturday to find out if he had a job possibility yet.  I really need some alimony.  I wanted to do it Friday.  I had this real urge to do it but didn’t.  He responded with an answer that tells me that he still isn’t owning anything yet.  When I asked if he had a job he wrote he put in 10 academic apps and lots of other apps but everyone is ignoring him because of his credentials. LOL!  He just made that up.  He doesn’t know that.

Then he wrote that FRIDAY keep in mind that was the day I really wanted to contact him.  Friday his mother had a heart attack.  His dad has late stage demintica as well.  Life is coming down on him hard!  I asked him if he was going by to his country to see them and his wrote can’t right now.

You know...I would do everything I could no money or what to get back to my parents if they needed me.  He is just not capable of figuring anything out.  I wonder how this is all going to fit into his MLC.

He also got my notice I’m sure on my bankrupcy and that might have something to do with it.  He is probably starting his own now I don’t know.  He didn’t ask me anything about it.  He’s still in it’s all about me mode.

On a good note I leave for Ireland next week for my nephews wedding.  I have something to look forward too.  My credit report went up 97 points.  That has to be temporary LOL!

Some of this makes me sad.  I always thought when his parents got older I would be there for him and it would be something we walked together with.  Looks like the girl his with isn’t going to help him get to where he needs to be.  You all know I wouldn’t have figured something out for sure.  I sure hope his bottom happens soon.  I wonder if he will ever hit a bottom or just stay in the bottom for life.  But, I think God is definitely trying to get his attention.  He is up against a wall now.

Thanks everyone!
God is with her, she will not fall
Psalms 46:5
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Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #17 on: August 26, 2018, 06:39:41 PM »
I'm not sure of the impact of an MLCers parents aging or getting sick.  They are the reason for the crisis, so it must have some impact but the damage was done in childhood, so replay behaviour is going back and not tied up with things in the present.  It must make them feel old though, and we all know how they hate to feel old!

He seems to be ruined in so many ways, I can't imagine not wanting to get yourself out of that place.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Thunder

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #18 on: August 27, 2018, 05:49:52 AM »
I sure agree Savvy.   ::)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Lioness

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #19 on: August 27, 2018, 07:04:23 PM »
I hate to be so horrible but do we know FOR SURE that his mother did actually have a heart attack? I just feel like he may say that to wiggle himself out of his responsibilities and buy himself some time too. I mean it isn’t like MLCers don’t lie, we know that right? And yes his parents may be sick and aging but YOU, UL, are also dealing with health issues, financial ruin etc. Something to think about imho.

Offline UnconditionalLoveTopic starter

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #20 on: September 07, 2018, 05:51:28 PM »
Nothing is for sure Lioness but... he isn’t one to make that stuff up.  He might lie about things but they are stupid childlike stuff to wiggle out of a corner.  I don’t think he would make up the mother stuff.  I still have some of his family on my FB page.  His thing is he just doesn’t address anything and then will bring up his mother to get off topic.  You are right Lioness I do have my own health issue but in his eyes he doesn’t see any of that.  You can still in how he writes me. He’ll let me know something going on in his life to not discuss what I need to know.  Example 1 million and this as bad as it was made me laugh

I texted Thursday for him to give me an update when I would see money.  Nothing!  He didn’t return my text so today I texted him again and said

Look you know what I’m going through up here.  You got the notice I’m sure. I wouldn’t be going through any of this if it wasn’t for your decisions and choices you made.  The least you could do is respect me enough to return my communication.

That made him text back.  He didn’t address anything I wrote.  He change my first text where I wanted to know about money to giving me another update on his job search and then when in to this

I applied for an additional 6 jobs in 2 days

I have an infection in my jaw and can’t chew and barely talk.  the entire nerve is inflamed from my jaw all the way back into my brain.  I know exactly where that is traveling.

Then sent another text

I’m on my second round of antibiotics

I was like you have got to be kidding me. I mean honestly can he not see he’s got the curse of God.  I wrote back

What?  This is crazy.  Do you know how you got this?  Some point you have got to look at yourself and figure out why all this stuff is going on.  This is just crazy like a plague.  Praying that heals fast.

Totally didn’t address what I wrote which I wouldn’t expect him to but go this

Chipped tooth

Then I wrote

Are you OK?

He wrote
Other than the searing. Pain.  I think so.  Pain does get to you plus I look like a chipmunk with a cheek full of nuts.  Who doesn’t love that? (Smiley face)

I wrote
Is the tooth taken care of?

He wrote
Not until infection is gone.
I bit into a gummy bear ( smiley face)

I wrote wow that beats my ice cream story ( Years ago I crack a tooth on cookie and cream ice cream)

Wrote sent another smiley face

So, I turned it around and said
Have you had any interviews?
He wrote
3 initial

All this conversation about him and nothing much about anything I needed to know.  But, I had to laugh.  This guy is getting hit so hard.  Bankrupcy probably started, no money, no job, mother is ill, dad is ill, he has an infection and now going to loose a tooth and doesn’t have the money to even get that fixed.  I don’t know what his relationship is but my guess would be it’s probably like eveything else in his life right now but he’s still avoiding the responsibility of all that.  He is still trying to stay afloat thinking he can beat all this and there still might be a rainbow at the end of it.  It all just made me laugh how ridiculous it all is.   
Happy Friday everyone!
God is with her, she will not fall
Psalms 46:5
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Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #21 on: September 07, 2018, 11:02:15 PM »
It's hardly surprising he's unwell with so much stuff going on in his life.

I hope he sorts things out soon, so you both have some peace.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Lioness

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #22 on: September 08, 2018, 12:04:11 AM »
Waouh UL, your H is not having the time of his life! That being said I find the dynamics between you quite interesting! If my H wrote me about him being unwell, i would enquire about what he suffers from of course and then wish him a speedy recovery. But if he had ignored my communications and then told me about his illness to shut me down from holding him to account, I would yes be polite, compassionate BUT straight to the point about him back to what my needs are.

I hope you are well and are finding other ways to cover what your H won’t pay, it sure sounds really stressful!

Look UL, it is clear that your H is in deep financial, emotional and physical ruin. I hope this is enough to wake him up and soon. But in the meantime I think it would help to re-think what you need from him and how you can get it. Yes, he has an infected tooth but you are dealing with far more life threatening illness than he does and he never enquires about you. Yes his mom is aging etc, but you have your own issues too. How long will you keep letting him give you the run around? If he has no money, and he has filed for bankruptcy i doubt he will pay you. If he has a job and is refusing simply to pay you, either you can get the courts involved or let it go altogether.  Because this sounds more like not letting the rope drop and he knows it. It is not helping you get what you need from your Mlcer so maybe it is time to admit it isn’t working, at least not beyond the occasional and brief satisfaction of finding out where he is at on his MLC journey!

Offline Thunder

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #23 on: September 08, 2018, 06:42:52 AM »
Well he sure has made a royal mess of his life, hasn't he?

About bankruptcy, if he has no money how is he paying for one?  They aren't cheap.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline UnconditionalLoveTopic starter

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #24 on: September 08, 2018, 07:00:42 AM »
Honestly Lioness I don’t expect anything from him.  I’ve come to the point of contacting him to keep the money in the for front so he know it’s still his responsibility whether he talks about it or not.  If I don’t bring it up at some point there would be no communication about it at all and he would then assume I’ve given up.  I haven’t given up BUT...there is NO reason to head to an attorney to get something right now that isn’t there.  I don’t have $5000 to get info I already know.  So I am waiting it out.  I am getting past the bankrupcy that is the step right now.  Looks like that should be closed around Nov 16.  Once that is over I will give him till the end of the year and then scour around to see if he has a job.  It will take a few months for it to show up anywhere.  It will not be hard to find info on him.  I can also get his bank info for deposit down the road but right now the little month he has he isn’t going to put me first on the bread chain so I’m just knocking on the door letting him know I haven’t forgotten. 

My goal right now is to stay afloat on my own.  I am working 7 days a week, now have a roommate I  can’t wait to move away from but I’m doing what I need to do to survive.  I want to be self sufficient and ready if I never see anymore money from him.  BUT I also am not rolling over.  It may look like it in my post but I am not.  I am riding this jobless or somewhat job season of his because I don’t have the money to survive and fight in court only to find out he doesn’t have anything to give me.  I am learning patience.

If you noticed also I did lay it down the line that I am only going through stuff because of his choices.  I know he would respond to any of that.  He’s not in ownership at this time but I still hit it and he responded but he didn’t respond negatively.  Which in my eye is I won’t address what you just wrote because down deep in that crazy brain of mine I know your right.  We all know that the monster would have been all over that.  Monster is pretty much gone at this point.  He’s just trying to survive himself.  He has another country he could run to so that could also put a damper on things and why it’s more important for me to find a way to survive without my alimony.  I am doing that.  But again also knocking on his door saying don’t forget I need money.

I do find it interesting that life is one crazy something after another with him.  And that he does tell me his sad stories to avoid taking ownership or responding with answers.  He answered with he’s looking for a job but no answer to my need for money.  I see that.  I didn’t expect money because I know it’s not there.  My ex wants nothing to do with me!  He never seeks me out.  He’s done.  I don’t expect anything from him but I can’t just let what he says roll off me.  I still care for this person who I spent 30 years with but I don’t think, or feel anything coming from him and it’s ok.  I’m responsible for myself and how I treat, act and handling people and I just can’t be mean or demanding to him. But I have my ways of getting what I need out of him without doing that.  He knows me and know I’m relentless.  I will not give up but I will kick in when need be.

He also didn’t even mention the bankrupcy.  He got a notice, he knows.  He never asks me anything.  Never.  He doesn’t have the guts to open thoses doors but I will in a round about way.  It’s disappoint for sure that he doesn’t care about my health, my financial needs, my life but I kind of look at it as well,  he wanted out of the marriage so why would he?  He has walked me through so much crap not on purpose on some of it but he has and it’s missed up my daily life but that’s what happen when you make bad choices.  He’s still take the brut of all that.  As bad as it has been the last 5 years from all the stuff he has done my life is OK.  My only drama other then the new roommate is all his stuff.  Other wise life is peaceful.  Tiring as I have to work everyday but this is my life now and I have to find peace with it.  His world has been created, and I understand he doesn’t care for me.  I live with that every day.  My ex husbands wants nothing to do with me and that’s kind of what ex husbands do. 

Thanks a bunch for reading and giving stuff to think about.
God is with her, she will not fall
Psalms 46:5
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Offline UnconditionalLoveTopic starter

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #25 on: September 08, 2018, 07:04:52 AM »
Thunder,  I have filed bankrupcy.  I think that he hasn’t yet.  He is in a mess because he can’t file because of lack of funds right now.  He can make payments but I don’t think he has it yet to do that even.  I’m pretty sure the OW was getting mula from him and she’s probably not getting what she was or everything he gets in a month goes to her but that road is getting shorter and shorter.  Like I said in the post above I’m surprised he’s not more angry with me for starting this.  The timing for him isn’t good with all that’s going on up there.  I think that is another reason why he can’t go home to see his mom.  He doesn’t have friends, or access to find extra money to do so and I just had all credit cards close going through the bankrupcy.
God is with her, she will not fall
Psalms 46:5
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Offline Lioness

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #26 on: September 08, 2018, 07:57:44 AM »
My God, UL, you are doing it right! Hope I didn’t come off as dismissive :-(. I think I had misunderstood the reason you got in touch with him knowing he had no money in the first place but after reading your comment it makes a lot of sense.

The interesting thing about your H is how he has steadily been going down, since he left you. Most of us quite struggle with how our Mlcers seem to be doing well despite our absences. They may be insane but to the rest of the universe they are pretty well functional! Yours on the other hand, he has been going down, first couldn’t seem to run the business on his own at the beginning, now with the health issues I can’t imagine him really being happy with this post-BD life!

Sorry to hear the roommate is still hard to live with. Hang tight. Is there anyway you can get a different one?
« Last Edit: September 08, 2018, 07:58:57 AM by Lioness »

Offline UnconditionalLoveTopic starter

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #27 on: September 08, 2018, 03:00:47 PM »
Haha Lioness,  I don’t know if I’m doing it right but I’m doing it the best way I think.  For all of us or most of us the outcome seems to be the same.  We can all just do what we can do and this is my approach.  I just didn’t want you or anyone to think I was completely needy or attached.  I have reason behind what I’m doing.  I have to stay somewhat connect because of money reasons and not go completely dark.  But I also don’t need to communicate with him all the time.  Just pop in and out long periods of silent then pop, remind him at least for now.

YES, he has been completely gone down hill almost right away.  He has never made any kind of big decision completely on his own.  He never gave thought to all I did in the marriage.  In the back of his head he fed himself a bunch of lies.  When they want out they run fast.  He has was a MLCer who never waivered.  When he saw the opportunity he ran and ran fast.  From day one he only called when he needed something, needed to tell me something, try to get me to do something, etc.  There was never any kind of hey whatcha up to today just wanted to check in.  He was gone.  At first he was monstering for a long while but that has been gone.  I could just about say anything and he really wouldn’t fight me.  He might ignore it but I he hasn’t been mad at me in a long while unless he is in his head and I just don’t know it.  My ex has completely destroyed his career, his health and life.  I mean maybe he’s really happy in his relationship but even then they have been together for 5 years now and are not married.  She would be married a complete mess and I think she’s adding to it.  She lead him (because he is a follower) right down the road to destruction.  At some point I’m guessing that destruction is going to get the best of their relationship.  I can’t believe that with everything that is going wrong with him isn’t affecting their relationship.  He’s showing how old he is now.  There is no replay to keep him going.  I don’t know where he is in his MLC but It can’t be full blown replay.  He’s miserable.  But, he hasn’t given in.  He’s still in denial and still trying to swim.  I don’t know when he’ll give up and maybe he never will.  He could stay right where he is forever. 

My ex was a believer.  He know the word and I really believe that is why he is getting hit so hard.  God isn’t so much causing all the crap but God also isn’t helping.  God’s standing by to catch him but he really needs to want to be caught and turn his life around.  He’s a mess.  All the decisions he has made made him one hot mess.  My ex became entitled.  He became so sure of himself that it destroyed him.  That’s sad to me but I am keeping my distance from all that.

It is weird to me that how close we were how he never looks for ways to contact me like other MLCer’s do.  I think that is what breaks my heart the most.  The vanishing thing.  How could we be that close and then nothing?  Kind of makes me thing it was all an act.  Let maybe he was always detached.  I mean he did this to his friends as well but looking back he didn’t really call his friends they called him to do things.  Looking back I see this detachment that he may always have had that was a part of him and just got worst with MLC.  He’s a strange bird for sure.  I am almost sure his issue is from childhood and his parents.  Something stopped back then and never moved forward.

Ok now I’m just off the beaten path.  LOL!
Thanks Lioness!
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Online megogirl

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #28 on: September 08, 2018, 04:10:01 PM »
He’s a mess.  All the decisions he has made made him one hot mess.  My ex became entitled.  He became so sure of himself that it destroyed him. 

THAT, UL.....

I accompanied my H on his climb up the corporate ladder...that climb necessitated moves to FL, NM, MN, and (now), PA. I hated it, but being an agreeable "corporate wife" was my role.  I had NO CHOICE.

So, how does H thank me for 12 years of misery, following his journey to the top?!?

By depositing me and S15 in PA, finding a hooker in Upstate NY, and filing for divorce.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
« Last Edit: September 08, 2018, 04:13:41 PM by megogirl »

Offline UnconditionalLoveTopic starter

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #29 on: September 19, 2018, 05:43:07 PM »
Megogirl, your story does sound like mine for sure. Sorry for your journey!

Well, everyone Monday was court/hearing day for bankrupcy.  It took every bit of 5 minutes.  Yep, totally painless other than I actually had to go through it.  Trustee asked me 5 questions and moved on.  So, now I’m on the wait for 60 days to see what credtors will do I guess.  This will now put my X in a bind because he will have to follow suit and he hasn’t paid taxes for 3 years and until he gets that taken care of he can’t file anything I believe. 

One more step to closure.  I do have new news on X.  After texting to see if he was any closer to getting a job he wrote back he has an infection from his jaw to his brain.  His words.  He is on his second round of antibiotics and it’s not cutting it.  I just really think God has temporarily washed his hands of him till he gets his life together.

All I do is work but I’m making it.  I just cut back what I was putting into my 403 account so I could get more money out of my paychecks.  None of it was really going to add up to much for retirement.  I hope I stay health for a long while.  I can’t afford not to.
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Offline Milly

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #30 on: September 23, 2018, 09:36:15 PM »
UL, I'm so sorry about the bankruptcy hearing. So many disasters from the MLC fall out. All of 5 minutes for the end of a lifetime's work.  Good on you for working hard, budgeting, and making it.

Your H does sound like he's in a bad place right now: MLC, bankruptcy, no job, debt, and what sounds like a serious physical ailment. Life certainly doesn't sound like fun in his home. That's a lot of stuff to have to deal with.

Hoping you can put this bankruptcy completely behind you very soon so that you can begin to build knowing that no one can take it away from you.
 
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BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #31 on: September 24, 2018, 03:40:37 AM »
Hi UL,

Sure sounds like you X has himself pretty boxed in.

The government won't allow him to go that long without filing.  They will eventually come after him.
That's a criminal offense.

If he can't file bankruptcy he will still be on the hook for those credit cards.
What a mess.
Hope ow is enjoying the mess too.

I'm glad you're out of it.  I'm just sorry you have to go without alimony, that was court ordered.

Hang in there, UL.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #32 on: September 24, 2018, 08:19:24 AM »
Sorry to hear about the bankruptcy but once it's over you'll be able to start rebuilding your life.

Offline UnconditionalLoveTopic starter

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #33 on: September 24, 2018, 04:20:41 PM »
Thanks everyone! Moving paat the paat is the road I'm on fir sure.
God is with her, she will not fall
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Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #34 on: October 02, 2018, 02:03:33 AM »
Sorry to hear things are tough at the moment UL, like all other times, this too shall pass.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline UnconditionalLoveTopic starter

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #35 on: October 14, 2018, 04:47:10 PM »
Well if life wasn’t bad enough I now have a crazy roommate.  OH my gosh I am so tired of all this.  I am now thinking maybe it’s me.  Maybe I deserve all this crap thrown at me.  I can’t get a break.

I took on a roommate so she could help with my rent but she’s psycho. I’m not sure what mental illness she has but she’s crazy.  I should have known when I had to move her in early because he daughter kicked her out that I shouldn’t have moved her in but she had already signed on the lease. 

Here are some of her symptoms if anyone can help.
She seems really smart with big words but she also makes you feel stupid because you don’t know them.
She works in a somewhat medical field and has trouble with the doctors because I think she steps over the line and thinks she’s on their level
She has ever illness to man and I think she makes it all up.  She will try to out due you.
She walks in her sleep and when she does she will eat and cook.
She will totally make up stuff you said and talks on the phone loud so you hear her but doesn’t tell any version on any story right.  She just makes it all up.  Then the other night she did this

I came home and she was drunk on the phone with her Vaper in hand.  I am in a smoke free apartment and she signed a lease knowing this.  I came home an was livid. When she woke up I said
Um you are not suppose to vape.
She said I’m not.  I said yes you are it’s in your hand
No I’m not this is the clicker
No, it’s the vaper
No, she said it’s the clicker.  She tossed it at me.
Vaper in my hand Roommate this is a vaper
No it’s not she said
Yes, roommate it’s your vaper.
It is not
So, you are ok with me taking this because it’s the clicker. 
Yes she said I don’t want it.

10 minutes later as we’re in an argument I said Again, you can’t vape in the appartment. 
I wasn’t she said.  I said yes you were it was in your hand and you kind saying it was the clicker
YeLLING she said I never said it was a clicker.  Oh yes you did I said
NO, I didn’t, I never said it was the click.  I walked away and just said you’re crazy.

Then she says I don’t vape I just like to suck on it.  She is such a liar and has done a bunch of crazy things that’s it’s scary to have her around.  She watches tv and is so loud in laughing at it, talk to it and gets so involved with it like it’s part of her world.  She has no filter, swears like a sailor, talks her teeth out when we’ve eaten dinner at the table.  She won’t really do anything, go anywhere and she tends to be jealous but will act happy for you but it just doesn’t feel right.  She keeps a knife her room and it’s scary to me because somethings not right.  I locked my bedroom door when I went out of town and when I got back she told me a story about how she picked the lock at work because people didn’t have a key and how good she was at it.  Sending me a message.
I could keep going.  Somethings not right I just don’t know what it is. 
Am I the crazy one?
God is with her, she will not fall
Psalms 46:5
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Offline Milly

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #36 on: October 14, 2018, 04:56:58 PM »
No UL, you are not crazy, this woman has something wrong with her and might even be dangerous. Even if she's not dangerous, she's going to drive you mad. Can you get rid of her? If you can, do so right away. She's not your responsibility.
Big hugs,
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BD May 2014,
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OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #37 on: October 14, 2018, 05:11:16 PM »
You are not crazy UL, find something she has done to breat the lease and kick her out!!

She has already broken the rules.  There is definitely a good reason she was thrown out by her daughter.  she has some sort of personality disorder you don;t have to put up with.

If she won't leave, pack her stuff while she's out and have it stored if you have to.  Change the locks so she can't get back in if that's what it takes.  No more energy suckers in our lives, we have enough of that with our MLCers.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline UnconditionalLoveTopic starter

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #38 on: October 14, 2018, 05:52:47 PM »
Relief!  I think she is trying to make me crazy.  I had to sign her onto my lease so I can’t kick her out.  The leasing department does know she is vaping.  So, I don’t know if they will do something about that or check maybe in a couple of weeks so it doesn’t look like I said something.  A random check.  I don’t know if they have a way of checking, maybe not.  She did tell me yesterday as she closed her bedroom door she would be out as soon as she can.  But we’ll see.  Right now we aren’t talking and I have to be honest, I am enjoying it.  Friday night when she was acting all crazy I literally bolted myself in my room.  Called, texted everyone I knew so they would check on me the next day. LOL!  People where she worked keep turning her into HR but I’m only getting her version on it.  She has given me stories how she has been raped 14 times, etc and you have to just look at her.  I know that crazy people can still seem normal.  She’s the kind of person who would really try to commit suicide just to get even with you and say it was your fault.  I just don’t trust her.

Glad it’s not just me.  Thanks you guys!
God is with her, she will not fall
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Offline Ready2Transform

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #39 on: October 14, 2018, 07:00:15 PM »
You should definitely see what your options are with the leasing department. Since she is definitely a risk to your safety, they may be able to serve her notice to evict her. Don't hesitate to call the authorities or file a restraining order if things get dangerous.
"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

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Offline Thunder

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #40 on: October 15, 2018, 12:47:17 AM »
UL,

Before you using vaping as an excuse to get rid of her make sure that goes against their no smoking rule.
They put no smoking rules in place for health and safety reasons.  Smoking can start fires or cause respiratory problems in others.  Vaping does neither, so some places are ok with vaping.

I think if I were you I would use her mental state to get her removed.

Now I worry this woman could be dangerous.  Please tell someone.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Reinventing

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #41 on: October 15, 2018, 01:04:20 AM »
UL, I am so very upset for you that this is happening. Can you capture this on video and go to the police? I would ask if they could look up her past records and aak them to talk to the leasing people.

In the states, you can go to small claims court to get someone out of a house that hasn't paid, is not holding to the terms of the lease, etc. Regular people go to small claims court and often without an attorney. Video/document by writing things down. Do you have somewhere to put your paperwork outside of your house?

Offline Anjae

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #42 on: October 15, 2018, 04:46:30 PM »
You're not crazy, UL. Your roomate is super weird to say the least.

Here are some of her symptoms if anyone can help.
She seems really smart with big words but she also makes you feel stupid because you don’t know them. - nascissism?
She works in a somewhat medical field and has trouble with the doctors because I think she steps over the line and thinks she’s on their level - whatever that is, she is delusional
She has ever illness to man and I think she makes it all up.  She will try to out due you. - this is hypochondria
She walks in her sleep and when she does she will eat and cook. she is a sleepwalker
She will totally make up stuff you said and talks on the phone loud so you hear her but doesn’t tell any version on any story right.  She just makes it all up.  Then the other night she did this - could be many different things. pretty strange behaviour.

She should see a doctor, but probably she will not.

Agree with Thunder about vaping. It is not the same as smoking. The vaping seems to be to be the less problematic thing, since, it really is different from smoking.

The behaviours listed above and the fact she gets drunk are all much worst and problematic than vaping.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline UnconditionalLoveTopic starter

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #43 on: October 15, 2018, 05:23:11 PM »
Hey eveyone,
First well...I’m still alive.  She is still here and hiding out in her room but that is where she was most the time anyways now we are just not talking and I have to say I am so enjoying that.  It’s so peaceful!  She did say on Saturday that she would be out as soon as she could.  What that means I don’t know but I’m ok with how it it right now.

Vaping does fall under the lease agreement.  Before she moved in she said that she only vaped in her car.  The thing that I’m concerned about in the vaping this is...I believe she does it to be caught.  It’s like she set herself up so she ends up or in her mind is a victim of yet another something someone has done to her.  She know exactly what she is doing.  I think she thrives on drama.  The more the merrier.  She sabotages anything good that happens in her life.  This is probably one of the best places she has ever lived and I have told her more than once that she is trying to sabotages this. So, she know the vaping is a big one for me so lets get caught and bring in the drama.

You are all right the vaping isn’t the bigger issues it’s the thing being used.  She has many issues.  Some she has told me that would scare you to hear and some I don’t know about but she has a scared past, made up or not she’s a scared person.

She knows she needs to see a therapist.  We have talked about it but she says she doesn’t have the money. She has been to a therapist most of her life.

Reinventing - It’s enough I have to be annoyed by this.  LOL! I don’t want this affect anyone else.  I did contact several people to let them know what was going on.  I have been carrying my paperwork, etc with me. I do have to figure that all out.

I called my financial advisor today and he is working on getting me some money out of my 401K so I have money to get through my apartment lease when she does leave.  He also asked me to send over my resume because he wanted to pass along my info to other people.  He is also not wanting to rule out another roommate and is going to ask some of his realtor friends some questions.  I didn’t expect any of that from him.  He did say i wished you would have said something soon we might have been able to work something out.  But, just to know he wants to help feels good. 

It’s funny how I ended up with a roommate I was trying to avoid in the first place.  Geesh, I’m so over life! LOL
Thanks everyone for the advice.  I really do appreciate it.
God is with her, she will not fall
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Offline Thunder

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #44 on: October 15, 2018, 05:50:21 PM »
I'm glad they are trying to help you, UL.  :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Anjae

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #45 on: October 15, 2018, 06:38:42 PM »
Glad you're getting help, UL.

Hope she leaves soon. She has major issues, you will not be able to help her solve them and you need peace.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Reinventing

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #46 on: October 16, 2018, 01:24:21 AM »
UL, I think she won't leave until she is forced out and is lying when she says she will be gone soon. Keep up with getting the authorities to help you get her out. I wouldn't trust a thing she says, especially when she knows it is something you want to hear. She was really trying to gaslight you with the vaper.
« Last Edit: October 16, 2018, 01:25:28 AM by Reinventing »

Offline Thunder

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #47 on: October 16, 2018, 08:30:30 AM »
I tend to agree with Reinventing.  She won't go on her own.  She probably has no where to go.
Her problem not yours.

Keep working on it.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline UnconditionalLoveTopic starter

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #48 on: October 16, 2018, 02:12:07 PM »
Gaslight!!!!!! YES!!!!!!
It all makes sense!  I forgot about that word.  I have been thinking about that night and I really think she set it up.  I don’t really like to spend to much time with her but Friday night we were sitting around after work chatting about work, etc.  I thought wow this is normal it’s not to just have normal.  Then she said let’s go out and get some food.  I said, oh sorry I’m heading out with a friend tonight.  (THAT SET ALL THIS OFF). She kind of has this weird thing she does.  Oh good for you and you know she doesn’t mean it at all.  She is a very jealous person.  Every story has something in it about the persons status, how rich they are, etc.  She looks down at that.  I am so rich in friendships.  She doesn’t like that I have friends.  I knew in my gut she wasn’t happy because I was going out so. YES she did set up the night.  I think she knew exactly what she was doing when she was caught in the living room with the vaper and maybe planned it all out.  I thought she was passed out.  She didn’t flinch though when I poked her so she could have been and then the gaslighting started with her pretending to call the vaper and clicker then 10 minutes later yelll I never called the vaper a clicker.  I think it back fired on her.  I don’t know what she wanted to get out of that night but what she got is your out of here and I’m not staying for crazy. 

We haven’t spoken a word since Friday.  So, I don’t know what her plans are.  She just hides out in her room.  I am A OK with that.  It’s peaceful.  However, if she really is as crazy as I think, she dangerous and that’s a bet scary to me. 

I am talking tonight or tomorrow when a friend in my bldg who has to make a decision to move by Friday.  Maybe we can come up with something together.

Thank you Reinventing for posting that word!  Thanks everyone!
God is with her, she will not fall
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Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #50 on: October 17, 2018, 05:07:18 PM »
Hopefully she gets out fast and stops the drama. 

She may try to string this out to make you more angry.  Don't allow her behavior to wear you down.  Give her a couple of weeks to find a new place and if she seems to be going too slow, call her out.

Just like MLCers, you need to stay a step ahead.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline UnconditionalLoveTopic starter

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #51 on: October 23, 2018, 04:07:52 PM »
Well she’s still here.  She’s been hiding out in her room and started coming out to the kitchen yesterday.  It’s been quiet and I love that.  I have been looking at apartments and have a place I wouldn’t like to move to.  My bankrupcy will make things hard but if it’s meant to be it will.


So, I have been thinking again.  It’s been since 2014 that I have been here. May of 2014 or just before that is when bomb dropped happened.   He has lost everything and I mean everything.  If he hasn’t reach bottom yet what will bring him to it?  The OW?  I feel like he has no remorse, no conscious.  Will he be like that forever?  He really doesn’t want anything to do with me.  No hit and runs nothing.  Sure he response to most of my texts and gives me tidbits but never says anything like I’m sorry for whatever.  I’m not looking for him to come back but it would be nice for him to one day man up.  If he’s lost everything and still can’t blame himself for all the mess when will that really ever happen.

I do find it interesting that when I do text because I have a question or ask if he has a job he response.  I wonder if OW know about all those responses.  When he’s telling me about he’s parents or no job or even saying yes I think I might be depressed.  Does she know those conversations?  Of course not.  He hasn’t in a long, long time contacted me for anything.  Probably because he doesn’t need anything from me.  But, I can’t help but go back there in my brain how close we use to be or I thought we were and how can he still just shut that off. 

Sorry, I know this is lame.  This is my 3 year divorce month.  I just get sad over all this still from time to time.
God is with her, she will not fall
Psalms 46:5
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Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #52 on: October 24, 2018, 12:33:30 AM »
I know exactly how you feel UL, feeling very uch the same as xH just moved in with the ow, stings a bit.

My xH has never said sorry, pretty much would prefer if  I were dead and also doesn't contact unless there is something in it for him.

Also seems incredible that we used to be joined at the hip and now he can't stand to see me.  i hate him at times but not as much as he hates himself.

Divorce anniversaries are hard.  Do something nice for you and forget what this is,  he's still a lost and frightened little boy.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Thunder

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #53 on: October 24, 2018, 08:16:18 AM »
Not lame at all, UL.

He doesn't contact you I believe because of his guilt.  He knows you need money.  He knows he can't pay you.  Why would he contact you?  He'll only need to tell you, once again, he can't pay you.

Who knows what makes them reach rock bottom, UL?  It's different for each one of them.

Hugs
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline UnconditionalLoveTopic starter

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #54 on: October 24, 2018, 05:04:57 PM »
Thanks Savoir and Thunder
Yeah, I guess you are right Thunder.  I wish I knew he really did fill guilty.  Or felt something.  I can’t believe it’s been 4.5 years I have been going through all this and I feel like he’s controlling everything by his chaos.  I was looking into getting my insurance license to better myself.  I found out I can’t sell insurance with a bankrupcy, probably couldn’t sell houses either and I can’t work in a bank, etc.  It’s like I’m a felon.  But, he would loose his licenses.  He’ll still be able to be a doctor when he claims bankrupcy.  I’m working 7 days a week.  There is nothing lazy about me. I’ve had to set goals so I can figure out my living situation because I am hoping my roommate will move out.  I’m tired of figure life out. 

A couple of weeks ago I asked my ex via text after asking what’s going on.  Are you depressed?
He said well after all this rejection it gets tough.  I do think he has to be in some form of depression.  I don’t think anything is going right for him.  The great love of a new love is probably died out a bit.  It’s not probably old but he’s probably in denial about it.  That’s another thing I feel like he’s controlled. I don’t think I will ever love another person.  I won’t trust them, I can’t look at another person in that way.  Being my age doesn’t make it easy either. LOL! All there is are old men who can’t keep up. LOL!  I’m jeolous that he’s with someone and I can’t even think in that way.

Anyhow, thanks for still sticking around and allowing me to babble on.
God is with her, she will not fall
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Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #55 on: October 24, 2018, 05:22:34 PM »
You really can't be jealous of a relationship like the one your H has with the ow - it really isn't what it seems, they are all relationships without feeling on the part of the MLCer.  I just feel sad I have't got someone t talk with about my hopes and dreams for the future.  I had that with H and he decided to have a MLC, so that was the end of that! I am definitely not jealous of xH - I can see his relationship with her is nothing.

Your H is a long way from happy and the ow is just 'there' and not someone he loves at all.  She's his drug.  the highs are also getting lower for him and one day it will all be over.

"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline UnconditionalLoveTopic starter

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #56 on: October 24, 2018, 06:15:09 PM »
It is interesting to me that they have been together now for 4 years and haven’t married. What girl doesn’t want to get married?  I’m guessing she knows she’s not someone she wants to marry. She could have lead him down the isle very easily.  No I don’t want that kind of relationship.  I just hate that I don’t have anyone to talk to.  I loved making his laugh, that hard hardy laugh you didn’t get from him easily.  I miss that.  I know their relationship is dysfunctional at best.  I just have my moments.
God is with her, she will not fall
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Online Treasur

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #57 on: October 25, 2018, 12:15:14 AM »
Understandable UL to miss those moments of intimacy, friendship and companionship that we had and treasured. And to feel resentful sometimes that spouses have day to day 'support' and company that we don't have maybe, even when we know they are no prize worth having right now.

It's normal to have those moments and probably a mixture of missing them and feeling alone.
Then we pick ourselves up, press on and remember that the world is full of good sane people too even if our x is not one of them  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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Offline Milly

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #58 on: October 25, 2018, 12:30:52 AM »
UL, I totally understand how you are feeling. We have the exact same BD date so I understand that frustration at times when our MLCers don't seem to progress. Although I do remember there is an article that says how at a certain stage the progress is not evident to the LBS. We know nothing really about the R between the MLCer and the OW. We imagine it, and I am guilty of this in a big way, much better or more pleasant than it is. I like Savvy's description of the OW being just 'there.' That helped me to read.

My H has never said he's sorry, he can't own any of the responsibility for this mess. I'm surprised you can even ask yours if he's depressed without him shutting you out. That is very different from most. Maybe he does still sense that old connection with you although I suspect he's fighting to not feel it.

I like what Thunder said about them reaching rock bottom. Yes, you'd think your MLCer being a professional who has lost everything and has no money would reach his rock bottom, yet no. Mine is similar. I think it really is about guilt they can't bear to face and as long as they can distract themselves enough, your H at his work and at night with OW even if it's just fights, prevents him from facing his situation. What will cause rock bottom seems to be different with everyone. I think it comes after a time that they are not feeling happy anymore. I think it just hits them one day, maybe something word or action just simply triggers the rock bottom. That's how I imagine it happening now.

And regarding your bankruptcy and all the hardship it's causing you, is there any way you can start building your credit rating again to help? Even cell phone contract, buying a washing machine on installments? Maybe I'm talking rubbish, but it was a thought that came to me.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #59 on: October 25, 2018, 07:58:12 AM »
Bankruptcy is a strange thing.  You do get penalized on your credit report for like 10 years, yet the minute you file bankruptcy they start hounding you to take out credit cards and car loans.

I suspect it's because they know you can't file again for how ever many years.  So their safe giving you a loan.  Which in a weird way helps you build your credit back up pretty fast.  Sometimes within 6 months.  Sometimes a year.

You will build it back up again, UL.  Unfortunately it does put some restrictions on what you can and can't do with it on your credit report.

I used to think, I wish I was the one who had the crisis because they just go off in La La Land and we're left holding the bag, but I don't feel that way anymore.  When I saw the deep depression my H went though I wouldn't wish that on anyone.  They are not happy people, trust me.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline UnconditionalLoveTopic starter

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #60 on: October 25, 2018, 05:17:17 PM »
A few days ago I wrote this on my FB page.

The bottom line is you will move forward, you will laugh, you will have good days, great days but a part of you will not be the same.  There will always be a shade of pain people don’t understand but then you will move forward, you will laugh, you will have good days, great days this will be your new normal It could be your forever normal. The pain will always be in the background. Which is a better place for it than all.

This is me.  I’m living in a state I was left behind in by myself well...now with a crazy roommate.  Going on 2 weeks and she has kept herself in her room.  But my heart my never heal fully.  Just being honest.  We’ve all been there or are still going through it.  We all can relate to each other.  People just don’t get, or understand what we have walked through and it gets frustrating to me. 

Milly, YES, I do remember we have the same BD.  To answer your question I still pay my rent.  I also kept my car and I’m making those payments.  Nothing in my name was behind or ever late. It was all the joint stuff that he was supposed to pay.  I will get a credit card as soon as my bankrupcy is closed.  It will be a secured card but it will help my credit or a small loan from my bank.  Pay it back and then up the loan. It will just take time.

Thunder,  yeah, I don’t wish anything on anyone or even my ex.  I don’t know if he’s in a deep depression but if it’s a MLC then it’s about depression right?  Take me out of the equation and he would still be or should be depressed over every thing else’s he’s loved.  I mean he doesn’t have 1 thing from his past.  NONE of his friends. He has to miss something.  We traveled a lot, we always had things planned. Something should hit him.  He was depressed before the ex.  I didn’t get it then but I see the signs now.  The OW just put him in to manic.  That is way over.  He lost it all and she should see that he doesn’t have anything to offer her like she thought.  He has to be getting the feeling that this relationship isn’t working like I thought it would and now I’m stuck.  That has to way on him too.  But...I am doing my best to move forward. I still can’t get my brain to shut off about it somethings or a lot of times.

Thanks everyone for reading and encouraging and helping me.  Geez, for being my friends around here and keeping me company.
:)
God is with her, she will not fall
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Offline Thunder

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #61 on: October 25, 2018, 06:04:42 PM »
The one thing is UL, she thought she found a gold mind with him, moneywise, but she has to be starting to see she was so wrong.

How long before she cuts and runs to someone who can offer her more security?
Just remember you are NOT a back-up plan or an option if this happens.

He's on his own if this happens.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline UnconditionalLoveTopic starter

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #62 on: October 25, 2018, 06:43:09 PM »
For sure!!! He needs to be on his own.  He doesn't know who he is. 
God is with her, she will not fall
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Offline UnconditionalLoveTopic starter

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #63 on: October 27, 2018, 05:47:05 PM »
Well an interesting Saturday.  First let me say before I post this that... I’m no longer and haven’t for a while care much about working toward a reconciliation.  I have been on here for 4 years and they are really far a few between so whether I communication with him or not I don’t think it’s going talk change any plans.  Whatever is going to happen is going to happen. But what I do need to do is think about my future and my alimoney so it’s worth staying in the communication BUT... I didn’t expect this today.  Read some of his wording.

I sent him a YouTube link to a song today.  Most is what he seem to understand so I sent a song and if you want to hear it it’s call No Matter What by Ryan Stevenson.  You may want to hear it

So, I send the link and wrote This is my new favorite Enjoy

He wrote back
Are you still going out to speak and sing?

I wrote
No haven’t since 2014.  Hoping one day to do so but life happens and probably will never get back in it.  Is there a reason why you ask?

LOOK at his wording here.

no reason, you sent me a song link and I just made the THOUGHT TRANSFER wondering if you still did.

I wrote
Oh ok no but would love to get to that place but don’t have the vocal strength any more.

Oh I did just sing in Vegas at a conference with Ms. XXXXX who was on The VOICE to sing as well.  Tat was pretty cool and came with a great clear glass plack. (I sent a pic of the plack)

He wrote
Very nice! Congratulations

I wrote first time I sang in 4 years

He wrote
Pretty nervous?

I wrote
Extremely!

He wrote
I’m sure it went well - :)

I wrote
I never know but they ended up making a video of the conference and used my song as the background music.

He wrote
Happy for you.


Is he out of the hole today? LOL! What was up with all this focus on my music today?  I just let him keep it going then left the conversation.  I also wanted him to know Good Things are happening in my life despite him.

What do you all thing of the wording Thought transfer?




God is with her, she will not fall
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Offline Milly

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #64 on: October 28, 2018, 01:40:31 AM »
UL, it's all soo bizarre! I'm fascinated by this exchange of yours and how it came about. There you are telling us that you had little or no hope of a reconciliation and were going to focus on your alimony. From that you decided you wanted to send a link to a song to your H because you don't care whether it helps or makes it worse. He responded well. Who would have thought?

The thought transfer, to me, proves they do hear what we say but that they don't remember us while in their MLC life. His texts were about you, and that's unusual, so yes maybe a moment out of the hole and no OW around so he can think more rationally. That's what I think but then who knows.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Milly

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #65 on: October 28, 2018, 01:41:11 AM »
Oh, and UL, I'm sooo impressed with your singing in Vegas!!! Good for you!
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #66 on: October 28, 2018, 02:36:56 AM »
Very interesting.  Sounds like something is going on in his head.

Maybe a moment of clarity?  I think the song was more for him by listening to the words.

Not that it means anything right now, but it's possible he is starting to come out of his crisis, slowly.
I hope for his sake he is UL, only time will tell.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline UnconditionalLoveTopic starter

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #67 on: October 28, 2018, 07:32:12 AM »
Yeah I just thought the wording was interesting.  Still he never contacts me.  It's me for one reason or another.  This time to send a video link to a song but he was wanting to be chatty.  He's probably going in an out but I feel like it's kind of like a person in a comma. LOL!  You feed them familiar information you hope they hear to get them out of a comma.  You don't know what will reach them or even if they hear but it's been proven they do hear you.  So, that's kind of my approach.  Music is a passion of his.  Looks like that is still the way to feed him information.  I choose my songs, and quotes wisely and send them to him.  Something in this song trigger a memory probably farther down then I know.  We use to travel together in my ministry. 

The line that took me back the most was

Happy for you. 

I don't know why but I found this weird.  Over read I'm sure but I'm like

He's happy for me?
Did I need to know he's happy for me?
Is he really happy for me?
Why is is happy for me?
Why did he need to text he's happy for me?
Since when did he become happy for anything I did
Why is he happy for me?

Why did he open that door to let me know that he was happy for me? What was he thinking when he wrote that?  I could have been there with her?  That would have been my life? What happen to me?

etc, etc, etc

Anyhow.  It was a different text exchange and thought I would share it.

Happy Sunday everyone!

God is with her, she will not fall
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Offline Thunder

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #68 on: October 28, 2018, 07:54:25 AM »
I don't know but when he use Thought Transfer, what ever you sent him he got the message and sent it back to you.

Were you trying to send a message to him?  If so, what was the message?
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline UnconditionalLoveTopic starter

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #69 on: October 28, 2018, 08:25:49 AM »
A lot of us grew up believing
At any moment we could lose it all
And at the drop of a hat
God might turn His back and move on
A lot of us feel like we blew it
Thinking that we're just too far gone
But I want you to know
There's still a hope for you now

No matter what you've done
You can't erase His love
Nothing can change it
You're not separated
No matter what

There's never been a better time to get honest
There's never been a better time to get clean
So come as you are
Run to the cross and be free
Oh, be free

No matter what you've done
You can't erase His love
Nothing can change it
You're not separated
No matter where you run
He's always holding on
You're still a daughter, you're still a son
No matter what

I don't know what you've been taught
Don't know what you've been told
All I know is my God
Will never let go of you, no
And I don't know what you've seen
Don't know what you've been through
All I know is my God
Will never let go of you
He'll never let go!
He'll never, never, never let you go

No matter what you've done
You can't erase His love
Nothing can change it
You're not separated
No matter where you run
He's always holding on
You're still a daughter, you're still a son
No matter what

You're still a daughter, you're still a son!
No matter what

Songwriters: Ryan Stevenson / Bryan Fowler / Jonathan Smith

God is with her, she will not fall
Psalms 46:5
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Offline Thunder

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #70 on: October 28, 2018, 08:51:15 AM »
No I meant the one you sent him.  I thought he sent you that one. ??
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline UnconditionalLoveTopic starter

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #71 on: October 28, 2018, 08:58:46 AM »
No I sent him a link to this song.   Then he sent me a text asking if I was still out speaking and singing.
God is with her, she will not fall
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Offline Thunder

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #72 on: October 28, 2018, 09:18:29 AM »
Ohhh..sorry.  I thought you sent him one and he sent you one back.  ha ha
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline UnconditionalLoveTopic starter

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #73 on: October 28, 2018, 09:20:27 AM »
haha no he's not that invested!
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Offline Thunder

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #74 on: October 28, 2018, 09:27:12 AM »
 ;D
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Ready2Transform

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #75 on: October 28, 2018, 09:39:53 AM »
It was a positive exchange and those are very good to have. I remember having the tendency to analyze every word after these, but really it's more helpful to focus on the overall mood, which is a very nice one that was focused on you.
"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

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Offline UnconditionalLoveTopic starter

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #76 on: November 02, 2018, 04:31:56 PM »
OH MY GOSH will I ever get over all this???? I’m so tired of fight all the pain. I can’t seem to get past all this.  I know it’s probably because of the fall and divorce date in Oct and Thanksgiving coming and Christmas or maybe just having some interaction with him via text but I’m regressing.  I feel so my pain again, hurt, rejection, abandon, the list goes on.  I don’t want this life I have been given and although I’m doing my best and fighting through it I hate it. 

Did you all see A star is born?  Here the song “I Don’t want to love another or something like that?  I my gosh the lyrics are ME. You can probably find it pretty easily. Anyhow I just wanted to share my heart tonight.  I am going to stay low and not reach out about money to ex.  I am giving him to the first of the year before contacting him on it.  I’m willing to bet his finding money to go to his home land though.  Anyhow,
God is with her, she will not fall
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Offline Thunder

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #77 on: November 02, 2018, 09:03:43 PM »
My dear Unconditional,

I'm glad you shared this with us.

This pain goes deeper than we even imagine sometimes.  It takes a very long time to get over the shock and assault on our emotions...and what we saw as reality.

You're ok.  I think it's this time of year.  When holidays are coming up soon and we don't feel we have moved at all.
But we have, you have.

Plus you have Ms. Weirdo living with you, not by choice.  That doesn't help any.   ::)

Just know you are probably not the only one feeling these emotions.   Hope they pass soon.

Love and Hugs!

A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #78 on: November 02, 2018, 09:28:55 PM »
I do think it's the time of year that makes things so much more difficult.

We need to allow those feelings as a part of our healing and rest assured you will be feeling better and stronger for it in a few days.

Try not to worry about what he can or cannot afford and just focus on making your own life peaceful and happy. Life is good, we just need reminding of that sometimes.

(((((((hugs)))))))
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline UnconditionalLoveTopic starter

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #79 on: November 03, 2018, 05:44:15 PM »
Thanks Thunder and Savoir!
I do feel better today.  I went out tonight with some friends.  I had a long talk in my head the last couple of days. I was like he is not for me to fix.  I keep his life together for 30 years, he had it all and as soon as he left he chiseled his life down to nothing.  He left me because he thought he could do better, I wasn’t enough and well no matter what is going on in his head at some point he will have to take responsibility that he destroyed his life.  That day he walked out and abandoned me was his road to destruction and I can’t feel sorry for him. 

I find myself thinking he’s depressed, distraught, unhappy, etc and I don’t know any of that. Who knows it could be all my fault in his head.  It’s time for him to feel the lose! And I am ready to let that happen.
God is with her, she will not fall
Psalms 46:5
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Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #80 on: November 03, 2018, 11:34:17 PM »
Good to hear you have you mojo back UL.

He is a depressed and unhappy man.  It's best we don't buy into their life at all, just remain fabulous as we are :-*
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Milly

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #81 on: November 04, 2018, 12:03:30 AM »
UL, I'm glad to see that you got through this cycle quickly. That should tell you that you are making progress. You went out with friends and turned your focus on building your life forward.

I know that financial hardship makes things so much harder day to day, especially when you see your MLCer living ok and he's the one who put you in this place. I'm going to bet that you're going to improve your finances step by step and that eventually we're going to see you living in your own place and able to make plans for your future.

This might sound superficial, but even when I was on a very tight budget, I would treat myself to a perfumed candle or a fancy liquid soap. We're talking not more than €3-5 and yet it would brighten my moment to walk past them in my house. Silly, but it was a treat for me and it helped.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #82 on: November 04, 2018, 12:09:56 AM »
Milly, you and i are twins!!  I used to and still do those things, candles were my thing too - the beautiful scented ones were king!  I'm getting back on my financial feet again slowly and candles and flowers color my life.

It's a lot better than xH's dismal world for sure.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline UnconditionalLoveTopic starter

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #83 on: November 04, 2018, 04:07:08 PM »
Haha, my friend bought me one of these light decorative scent things.  I have had it on a lot lately.  One because my roommates room smells so bad.  If I try to turn on the heat it brings out her stink everywhere.  Part because I love the light on and the strawberry scent. 

I have a friend up north that loves to send me gift cards for things like massages, and things she knows I don’t have money for.  Those are used on my me times. 

My plans were canceled last night but odd enough I was invited to dinner just before the cancel so I was still able to go out last night for dinner with a girl of ladies.  I have a few things to look forward to coming up.  I’m job has decided to take part in the local parade in Dec and I have been picked to actually be on the truck and be in the present. LOL!  Everyone else is going to walk behind the truck.  It should be fun.  Being in a parade is not something I thought I would ever be in so I think it’s funny I can add that to my list.  So am trying to look forward and see good things ahead. 

I work so much I sometimes can’t think. LOL!  I work 7 days a week to keep life going.  That is the hardest thing about this crappy divorce.  I’m 58 and holding down 2 jobs but it is what it is I guess.
God is with her, she will not fall
Psalms 46:5
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Offline UnconditionalLoveTopic starter

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #84 on: November 11, 2018, 04:13:13 PM »
Well, tonight I’m just checking in.  Not much to say other than I am soooo missing my marriage life.  i can’t help it, it’s still so sad to me.  I should also probably think of joining detach annonamist.(can’t spell)  LOL!  I am up to 14 days.  There’s probably no reason to contact about money so I am going to give him to January and then start asking questions.  Right now I am just going to not communicate with him.

I am working 7 days a week and man is it keeping my head out of the clouds but I am back to crying when i go to bed.  I don’t know what that is all about other than I just miss what I had.  I still can’t believe he just walked out, moved in with another person and just never looked back.  I mean he hasn’t tried to communicate with me other than when I have to get a hold of him.  He hasn’t texted out of the blue nothing.  30 years of marriage and no signs at all that he will ever miss what we had.  Some ladies here there husband pop in and out. Mind never looked back.  It’s so weird to me.

Hallmark time.  Wait,  oh my gosh I’m wondering now if that’s my problem!!!!!
God is with her, she will not fall
Psalms 46:5
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Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #85 on: November 11, 2018, 06:05:11 PM »
UL, mine is the same.  Moved out of home and into his own place, several affairs later he finds 'the one' and moves in with her.  Never contacts or cares anything about his former family.  We have known each other over 30 years - I still can't quite believe it happened.

I'm done crying over him, it's over five years and I just want some peace from all the turmoil.  Maybe we will never be able to truly reconcile what happened but have to learn to live with the fallout.

I hope you're feeling better today UL.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline UnconditionalLoveTopic starter

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #86 on: December 19, 2018, 04:26:46 PM »
Well...it’s been a while since I have checked it.  So, a little about what’s been going on.  I am working a full time job.  I have a part time job as well that pays cash. LOL!  So, I work a lot and saving a little.  I have the horrible roommate still but she stays in her room so it’s not been that bad but I am looking forward to being in an apartment by myself.  My bankrupcy is closed so that’s over.  I found a new apartment complex going up to exits up from where I live now and I’m hoping to get into it.  It’s time for me to give this apartment up and get past the bad memories that happen here.  I would love to move into a new apartment that feels as good as this use to.  I am also doing something starting the first of the year coaching.  I was approached to help people by just sharing my story and coaching them through their decisions.  Don’t know much about it but hey, it might help me heal.

Now the weird stuff.  Help me walk through this if you may.  Keep in mind my ex does not contact me.  I did however see last night that he had been on my Linkin account.  But...look at all this information he does give me when I do text him. Sorry, I broke my contact but I need him not to forget he has to pay me.

Me...Hi, can you give me an update please?  Thanks

Next day... Please?

Then he wrote
Hi, I have applied to an additional 10 jobs.  Including a couple overseas.  The Chiro jobs I have applied to won’t even answer me.  They are embarrassed to turn me down because they want what I offer but they can’t/ wont pay me what I am worth.  Very frustrating.  I applied to several medical school. Jobs and of course they won’t even recognize me.  One  state university, they actually wrote a nice letter back.  So all in all, life sucks.

Are you working for Joe and Jill again?  I saw a post in linkedin.

Ok, first before i share what I wrote back.  Is he delusional?  I mean look at how he is in denial about the jobs.  He thinks they are embarrassed to reply back to him about a job.  This is so weird to me.  It’s still like a whole different person I never knew.  Will he ever take responsibilty? He is at rock bottom and he still thinks he’s all that.

Here is what I wrote back
Well....you have to have money coming in doing something.  You still have a business so... you have something.  You really have to send me money.  At the first of the year you need to start sending something Or my attorney is going to want to pull records to see what is coming in and going out.
I DO NOT want to do that but you haven’t sent me a dime since June and I understand your situation I really do but the only person who cares for me is me and I am losing my apartment.  None of which is my fault.  Now passed the money stuff - Next text Oh I forgot to say this... If you are really hurting for money then sometimes you have to work for less. Now is not the time for pride to set in.  We all have to do it.   Now for...

Life suck?  You know you keep saying that to me, your ex wife, the one you walked out on right?
Life sucked with me? Why is your life still sucking?  You ran after the love of your life and life sucks?  How you thought about some sort of therapy? I’m serious!  It’s time for you to realize your depression and see if someone can help you.  Please pray about it.  I know the old xxxx is there somewhere.

The I gave him a little about the post he saw on Linkedin.  Funny, I took him off my Linkedin but he’s still going to it and it shows he’s stoppping by.

So, what do you all think?
God is with her, she will not fall
Psalms 46:5
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Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #87 on: December 19, 2018, 04:37:08 PM »

So what do you all think?


I think he's in MLC UL, no other explanation. While in crisis they display narcissistic traits and thinking you are better than others is one of them.

If he hasn't paid anything since last June, you may have to start proceedings to get anything out of him.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline UnconditionalLoveTopic starter

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #88 on: December 20, 2018, 03:07:39 AM »
Well... he didn't  respond to anything I wrote so I guess he thought I was being too hard on him. Whatever.  He keeps telling me the same things. 10 applications, no one wants him. Hes too qualified and too good for everyone.  But he has to have money of some sort coming in.   I guess I got my update. Same ole, same ole an still in denial and depression.
God is with her, she will not fall
Psalms 46:5
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Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #89 on: December 20, 2018, 04:18:21 AM »
He's not addressing your request by telling you about his job applications......
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Online Treasur

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #90 on: December 20, 2018, 04:26:42 AM »
I'm sorry, UL...yup, he ignored the simple question of 'when are you going to send me the money you owe me'...the rest is not really relevant for you. I'm afraid as others say you will have to simply deal with the facts and take legal action.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Whyus

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #91 on: December 20, 2018, 04:29:19 AM »
Life suck?  You know you keep saying that to me, your ex wife, the one you walked out on right?
Life sucked with me? Why is your life still sucking?  You ran after the love of your life and life sucks?  How you thought about some sort of therapy? I’m serious!  It’s time for you to realize your depression and see if someone can help you.  Please pray about it.  I know the old xxxx is there somewhere.

When he read this he just read Bla, bla, bla, bla...... hes not interested in Hearing it, None of them are.
I told my XW shortly after BD that she has all the Symptoms of a MLC and that she knows this herself because of her Job. She told me to go and get Treatment for Paranoia!
They are bonkers, the lot of them.
I hope that he sends some Money soon.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Thunder

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #92 on: December 20, 2018, 04:42:40 AM »
I agree he avoided answering the question.

I maybe would have wrote back, sorry to hear about the job search.  Maybe you need to look at some lessor paying jobs for now, but would you please answer my question?  I have no money from you since June and I really need it.

Short and sweet.

How's your health doing, UL?
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline UnconditionalLoveTopic starter

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #93 on: December 20, 2018, 04:34:42 PM »
Hey, thanks for reading everyone.
Yeah, I get that he didn’t answer any of my questions.  I really didn’t expect him too.  I’m also pretty sure by not answering I have my answers.  I also asked him later if he was in his home country for Christmas and didn’t get an answer which probably means yes which also means he had money to do so.  I’m not going to get money from him and I’m not going to pay thousands of dollars out to find out I’m not going to get any.  I am waiting to see if he does get a job.  He will be listed somewhere because he’s a physician. 

Right now I’m just trying to work, work, work and be on my own. 
I find it interesting that life is still about him.  How can he tell me his life sucks all the time?  He is still stuck on him.  I should be the last person he tells that to after all he’s done to me.  He doesn’t still see that he has done a thing to me.  And I don’t go around saying my life sucks.  Why does he tell me his life suck when he’s with OW? 

Oh well... one year same ole some ole.  He’s not moving forward.  He’s stuck in his sad little world trying to make himself think he’s all that.

God is with her, she will not fall
Psalms 46:5
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Offline Thunder

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #94 on: December 20, 2018, 05:05:08 PM »
Hi UL, I know it cost a lot for lawyers to fight for you, but can you get some kind of free legal aide help where you are?

He can not keep ignoring his legal obligation towards you because he is not willing to take a lower paying job.
He has legal obligations he is ignoring with his excuses and hoping you are willing to wait.

Please do no let him off the hook.  He can work somewhere.  He is just choosing not too.
Don't be so easy on him.  In the meantime you are the one suffering, financially.  He does not care about how you are making ends meet as long as he can keep giving you excuses.

I'm sorry hon, but you are being way too understanding while he is taking total advantage of your good nature.

I'd like to see UL tiger come out!   ;D

Get legal representation and don't even let him know.
He has played you long enough, UL.

Big Hug!
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Nas

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #95 on: December 20, 2018, 05:29:34 PM »
UL,  I know exactly how you feel. We are suffering financially because they will not for fill their obligations and we do not have the money to chase them in the courts for it. Because we will end up spending thousands in legal fees only to end up with nothing in the end anyway. It is a horrible situation. I’m so sorry you are also in this position.
Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

Offline UnconditionalLoveTopic starter

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #96 on: December 20, 2018, 05:33:24 PM »
I don’t know how to get free legal help.  I have tried and everyone that I have spoken to wants $4500 up front for a retainer.  We lack in free Alimoney help or at least help and a discounted price.  I will look around but I haven’t found anything and I do not want to spend the little money I do have on all this and come out with nothing.  I have already spent thousands of dollars on legal stuff that I didn’t get anything out of.  I have to be careful.  I know he owes me and maybe I am being to easy but I am the one who has the most to lose.  I have nothing to fall back on me if this all back fires.  They could take my alimoney away all together.  I’ve even heard of people saying they had to pay their spouses money.  I don’t think that would happen. I don’t know, I’m just trying to be wise in what I do.  I honestly think my alimony days are over.  I will keep looking to see if I can get help. He really does need something to wake him up. I just don’t know how to go about it.

Thanks for caring.
God is with her, she will not fall
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Offline Nas

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #97 on: December 20, 2018, 05:35:15 PM »
I’m in pretty much the exact same situation. I tried to get legal aid from everywhere and kept being told that unless there was domestic violence involved or minor children, I would not qualify for anything. It is very tough to get legal aid for a divorce.
Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

Offline UnconditionalLoveTopic starter

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #98 on: December 24, 2018, 05:19:17 PM »
Thanks everyone was hanging in there with me.  I’m on the road to no contact again.  I keep hanging on to a man who left me and never looked back.  I think I finally figure out that it’s me, not him.  He left, detached long before walking out the down and he’ll never look back.  My life however won’t be what I want but I will still move forward and do all the hard stuff that needs to be done. Why he keeps telling me his life sucks is beyond me.  He has no sense what he did to me and no sense that what he is going through is his fault. 

Update...I had plans for a dinner at a friends today and that got cancelled because of sickness.  I have a roast I am going to make for tomorrow.  My roommate came out of her room so I offered her a meal tomorrow.  Somehow she turned everything around and tried to start a fight saying a bunch of stuff I never said.  I finally said I don’t really care.  I just wasn’t going down that road.  I won’t win it because she’s crazy and doesn’t listen.  But the good news is....She said in her own words...I told you I’m move?  I said no you haven’t told me anything. So, apparently she’s moving Jan 18th.  Financially it will strap me but I’m happy she is going. She came up with some sort of prorate thing that is so off balance you have to laugh.  But, I’m just glad she’s leaving.  I am starting to feel the freedom already!!!

Here’s to Christmas almost being over.  I’m ready to get past this season.
God is with her, she will not fall
Psalms 46:5
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Offline Thunder

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #99 on: December 25, 2018, 09:12:44 AM »
Well one bit of good news, if she really is leaving.   ;D ;D

You don't need to be around another crazy. 

I do understand UL, if it wouldn't have just happened the way it did (long story) I couldn't have put a $3,000 retainer down either.

I know here most law firms have to, or want to, do a few pro bono cases every year.  I'm not exactly sure how you find them, but maybe that would be something to research. 

A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline UnconditionalLoveTopic starter

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #100 on: December 25, 2018, 01:40:30 PM »
Merry Christmas Thunder!
I do believe she is leaving but her behavior is so odd.  I offered for her last night the roast I was going to make today.  She started a fight and I shut down.  I just wasn’t going to go there.  Today she’s all happy and talking which she hasn’t done it a few months.  Me either and I liked it that way.  Today she makes a comment that we were friends.  Umm, no we aren’t. LOL. I think she really is leaving and I am so excited about it. 

You know...I don’t know that I want to waste my time trying to track him down for money.  I know that mean he’s another ex who won the money war but if he can’t do it on his own and has no remorse, courage or forgiveness.  I don’t know that I want his money anymore.  I’ll just figure it out.  So far he’s crashing and God has kept me stable in everything.  Financially I have paid all MY person bills, I’m in a nice apartment and looking at another nice apartment and health wise God has kept me stable as well.  Ex nothing is stable. I think that’s God telling me he’s got my back.  I will have my ups and down of course but all in all life is OK today. LOL!
God is with her, she will not fall
Psalms 46:5
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Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #101 on: December 31, 2018, 01:45:37 AM »
You sound strong and determined UL, such a great start to 2019.

Definitely roll on 18th January, the day the crazy moves out.

There's such strength in letting them go financially.  I don't want a cent from mine as it keeps him connected and I don't want any connection with the man he's become now.  If he decides to act human again, I might think about letting him in again, but he would have to work hard.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline UnconditionalLoveTopic starter

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #102 on: January 13, 2019, 02:58:25 PM »
1 more week everyone! 1 more week and Ms roommate is history!  I hope she doesn’t knock me off just before she closes the door. LOL!

I’m hoping to get into a brand new apartment if I can get them to accept me because of the bankrupcy.  My score has already gone up. Yeh!  I made it through the Christmas season and ready for 2019. 

I have been working on no contact.  My ex is so lost and honestly there is nothing good in anything he has walked through.  It has been almost 5 years that I have been dealing with this MLC and in those 5 years I have seen very little if any doubt on his part.  He hasn’t tried to have communication with me and I don’t think he’s one to ever suck it up and admit he has done anything wrong to me. So, I have been working on no contact and not expecting money from him at least for not.

I do have a question which you all will laugh after I just wrote all this stuff up above. LOLOLOL
Do you think the MLCer knows their spouses love them?  In the long run I had to divorce him because he was so crazy.  You all know what that means and what they do.  My ex has told his family I divorced him and I so so so hate that but it is true. However, I was forced to do it because he wanted it.  Will he ever think back and remember that I loved him to the best of my ability?  Or will he always be lost in thinking I divorced him?  I know at the time of BD I said don’t you understand I love you and he said I do.  Will he remember that?  I feel like I’m letting go but I do want him to remember.

Any comments?
God is with her, she will not fall
Psalms 46:5
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Offline Acorn

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #103 on: January 13, 2019, 03:10:33 PM »
Of course he will remember your love for him.
Emotional memory is powerful.  In fact, it lingers on even if one forgets the details and reasons for it.
I’m sure of it.  (((((HUGS))))))
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline UnconditionalLoveTopic starter

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #104 on: January 13, 2019, 04:05:19 PM »
Thank you Acorn! You are so sure of yourself.  I needed that! Thanks again!
God is with her, she will not fall
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Offline Nas

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #105 on: January 13, 2019, 04:07:35 PM »
I believe he knows and will remember.

And too bad we don’t live closer, I’d make a kickass roommate lol. And I cook 😂
Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

Offline UnconditionalLoveTopic starter

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #106 on: January 13, 2019, 04:52:37 PM »
Hahahahah, welll you would always know you weren’t my worst roommate! LOL! I sure you would have made a GREAT roommate. Cooking would have been a big bonus!
God is with her, she will not fall
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Offline Thunder

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #107 on: January 13, 2019, 05:08:08 PM »
UL, I agree 100% with Acorn.

He will remember.   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline UnconditionalLoveTopic starter

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #108 on: January 13, 2019, 05:20:29 PM »
Thank you Thunder!  One less thing I don’t have to think about. 
God is with her, she will not fall
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Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #109 on: January 13, 2019, 10:55:26 PM »
He will definitely remember and it will haunt him forever.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline UnconditionalLoveTopic starter

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #110 on: January 23, 2019, 03:37:13 PM »
Thanks Savoir! So...
Let’s have some fun with this or not but...it seems my beloved MLC’er is stopping by my Linkedin.  We all know that when someone stops by you can usually see who it is so either he hasn’t figure that out or he just doesn’t care but he has been there a few times in the last month or so.  Not a lot, not every day. Maybe once a month but...for the last 3 years he didn’t go at all except one time when I posted a new pic  and he most of like it because he had to text me he saw it.  That was a couple of years ago.   My first reason of thinking he’s going there is to find out if I have posted my job but he clearly can see I haven’t and probably won’t but he still drops by.  So... is this a sign of something?  No, I’m not dwelling on it just want to know and no I’m not contacting him about it.  I am laying low just something new he has been doing.  I took him off my Linkedin but didn’t block him a couple of years ago so he still has access to it. Just thought I would update a bit.
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Offline Anjae

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #111 on: January 23, 2019, 04:54:38 PM »
So... is this a sign of something? 

Maybe be, maybe be. Time will tell.

It is possible to go by a Linkedin page without anyone knowing. Just disable the tracking function. We will not know who come by our page. Husband either does not know it shows unless he disabled tracking or he does not care.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #112 on: January 23, 2019, 07:19:15 PM »
Maybe he's looking for something specific?  Has there been a change he's looking for?

At he beginning of crisis my xH sent me a request to attach.  I deleted my account and haven't opened a new one ;D

"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Milly

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #113 on: January 24, 2019, 03:46:34 PM »
UL, of course, I don't know for sure, but I do think it means something that your H checked your linkedin, it's a bit like us checking them on fb or whatever. He might have wanted to see where you were professionally or just see a photo of you. I believe my H has checked mine but I can't be sure. Now and again I get views in private mode. Of course, I can't know it's him, only that he let out in the past that he saw it.

Oh, shame you and Nas are not in the same area. You could sit on separate couches and be on HS and be able to comment!

So glad your rotten room mate is almost gone. Phew! How amazing that you've managed to start working on your credit rating and are now able to have options. Who would thought a year ago. This is good stuff.

Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline UnconditionalLoveTopic starter

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #114 on: February 01, 2019, 02:23:43 PM »
WELL... this is about me! Yep, all about me! I am excited to say that even with the bankruptcy I am the proud mover inner of an apartment in the next city over that has better rent costs. They just let me know that everything went through.  I don't have to pay an extra deposit for the bankruptcy or anything. Just the standard $300.00 so I'm grateful for that.  It's time to get out of this apartment that I have been trying to hold onto.  This apartment has a screened in porch that I'm looking forward to using.  It's also a 2 bedroom so I will have room from all my stuff.  God has been so amazingly God to me.

On a side note I was asked out for dinner.  I met this guy Saturday and we really had fun just being goofy.  I can't say that I'm attracted to him but it was fun for the moment.  He texted me and asked me out for dinner.  I said I wasn't ready to jump into dinner but would be willing to open a friendship with some texting and he pretty much said he wanted to do dinner and didn't really compromise so I was like...no problem.  I'm not ready to do that and moved on.  I'm not ready to date or at least not him.  I'm certainly not going to let a guy dictate how things are going to be. LOLOLOL  I don't think he thought I would just walk.  It was fun to know I could attract someone. LOL!

So, there is my little update.  I'm feeling independent and I have been on my own for awhile.  I think letting go of this apartment is freeing.

Thanks
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Offline Milly

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #115 on: February 01, 2019, 04:09:11 PM »
Wow, wow, wow, UL what wonderful news, you can rent your own apartment and have an extra room!!!!!What progress! I'm so very happy for you!

Well done with the date. Lovely to get some male attention! This one was a bit pushy, maybe the next one will be the right one. I mean for dinner!!
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline UnconditionalLoveTopic starter

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #116 on: February 01, 2019, 06:18:59 PM »
Thanks Milly, inch by inch, day by day I am moving forward and ridding myself of the past. It’s funny how Christmas is past and live seems better.  I can’t wait to have a place with no roommate and have company, or a gathering of friends again.

I have a story you might think if funny.  I went out last Saturday and when I went into my closet I thought what should I wear.  What would a guy like to see on a girl. LOL! So, instead of something flashy or sexy(I don’t do sexy). I thought oh what the heck I’ll wear this red flannel shirt.  It had a couple of rhinestones.  I mean...what guy doesn’t like flannel well apartment I hit the mark.  I wore a flannel shirt and got asked out. LOL! Who would have thought! So...go buy a flannel shirt. LOLOLOL!
God is with her, she will not fall
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Offline CallingHeart

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #117 on: February 01, 2019, 06:59:29 PM »
Great news UL!! 
That just goes to show that even flannel can’t cover up your beauty...
Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born.

It's no longer all about MLC!  
Pfffffffftttt !

Offline Thunder

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #118 on: February 02, 2019, 02:04:33 AM »
UL, I am so thrilled for you!

You will love living alone, with no one to have to deal with.  The screened in porch sounds awesome!

I was laughing.."No problem."  Way to shut Mr. No Compromise down.   ;D
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Milly

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #119 on: February 02, 2019, 05:06:43 AM »
Good one, UL! So flannel is the new look!
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline UnconditionalLoveTopic starter

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #120 on: February 02, 2019, 07:16:58 AM »
 Since ML’er left I have always been living on my own.  Then he stopped paying Alimony I panicked a took the first roommate I could.  Bad bad decision on my part but then again it has bought me time to figure out my situation.  I am so looking forward to being on my own with no roommate.  I can’t wait!  My brother is going to help me move and I have a few other people willing to help as well so it should go well other than I now have to get started packing.  I am leaving my past at the door of my old apartment.  It’s a sign of a new beginning finally.

Thunder, yeah I wasn’t invested.  It was easy to say no problem!  He has the right to have things his way, he’ll just need to find that person willing to do that. LOL

Milly I believe so! LOL!  Flannel is the new us!
God is with her, she will not fall
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Offline Milly

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #121 on: February 02, 2019, 04:29:51 PM »
Oh, UL, you are such a success story! They should make a movie about you!
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline UnconditionalLoveTopic starter

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #122 on: February 09, 2019, 05:57:25 PM »
Ok, first thing...I just found out that joint taxes MLC’er was supposed to pay and left me with did not get through the bankrupcy so they are still on my plate.  I am not going to worry about it.  I may have options so i work check them out first.

Now for the good now and yes read this with sarcasm.  I could be closer to getting some money from MLCer.  He is now mystery shopping to get groceries! Yep two doctorates and this is what live as come to for him.  I wonder where is rock bottom is?  He sure is fighting to stay in crisis.

I had to talk to him about the taxes.  That’s how I found out about the mystery shopping thing.  I did tell him I was moving and for whatever reason he seem really shock and uncomfortable about that.  He asked me to email him my new address and I said yeah, I don’t think that’s necessary.  When you do send me money you’ll be sending it through paypal as there is no fees with that.  He just went oh ok.  I really got the feeling it didn’t like that for some reason.

After hearing about the mystery shopping thing my heart sank but it also changed something in me.  He is just a lost soul and not anything I knew.  It’s almost like it’s a mental thing and I don’t know that he’ll ever live through this and be a better man in the end.  I did tell him at the end of the call that there was nothing in his choice that made his lives better, happier or healthier.  He said yeah.

He did play it well to try and get my new address.  I didn’t expect him to ask for it but I was quick to say... yeah, no that’s not happening. 
God is with her, she will not fall
Psalms 46:5
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Offline Thunder

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #123 on: February 10, 2019, 08:05:43 AM »
Good for you, UL.  You were fast on your feet that time.   ;D

No need to have your address when he goes through PayPal. 

UL, I've said it before and still believe most do not come out of their crisis a better person.  Back to normal maybe but very few are "better."

That's just my opinion, and I know that goes against what RCR says, but I just don't often see that is the case.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline UnconditionalLoveTopic starter

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #124 on: February 10, 2019, 01:58:06 PM »
Yeah, I can see that.  Normal would be nice I guess.  He was a loving, caring, gentle person.  But, I do see somethings that when he went into MLC he went wild on.  He is such a liar now and it’s kind of funny. He doesn’t lie well but all the time.  He lies just to lie and when that’s gone I’ll know he’s at least over the hump.  He didn’t make up the mystery shopping thing.  Or let me say someone is mystery shopping. She’s probably making him drive or she has him an account so they both can bring in money.  Either way life for him is sad.  He ended up being the worst of the worst with this MLC.  I remember coming on here thinking I wasn’t sure he was MLC and wasn’t sure where he fit.  As in my title and just after that it started going down hill.  He’s fried for sure.  Mix that with some possible strokes and I’m not sure he has a chance.  But, I’m moving on and leaving him behind.  The mystery shopping thing throw me.  I was like wow he is completely lost and probably never going to be mentally the same.  Maybe they are meant for each other.  He hasn’t grown through this or at least not yet.  She’s probably making all the decisions and leading him along.  I did most of that as well but I thought of both of us and loved him in a way I don’t think she will be able to as dysfunctional as she is.  I’m over placing blame on me.  He’s just lost and I now believe that this has nothing to do with me.  He can say it does but it’s not.  He’s lost it.
God is with her, she will not fall
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Offline Milly

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #125 on: February 10, 2019, 02:13:47 PM »
I completely agree with you, UL.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #126 on: February 11, 2019, 08:26:00 AM »
UL,

THEIR crisis NEVER had ANYTHING to do with us... EVER.... It often takes time to get that through our thick, stubborn, bound-and-determined skulls but it is a fact...
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline UnconditionalLoveTopic starter

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #127 on: February 11, 2019, 03:47:39 PM »
Yeah I know it's not
  But you still play that out sometimes!
God is with her, she will not fall
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Offline Thunder

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #128 on: February 11, 2019, 06:05:56 PM »
Sadly UL all you have to do is compare his life before his crisis to now.

They fall so short of the kind of person they were.
Tragically the medical community does not recognize this midlife crisis as real.
It ruins lives just as much as many mental illnesses do.

Maybe some day, huh?
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline UnconditionalLoveTopic starter

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #129 on: February 11, 2019, 06:41:27 PM »
Yeah, the one thing I don’t have is knowing what’s going on because I hear or see or know what his life is.  He moved to another state so there is never that feeling of running into him.  He just vanished.  But...I know he’s broke and when there is no money well there is no life.  She’s putting up with the no money thing.  So, maybe she does love him or...in some way because of the business she started needs him.  They might just need each other.  If you look both of us I lost just about everything he did.
I’m not getting money from him - but I have a job uh two jobs to make ends meet
He hasn’t paid 2014 taxes - I’m trying to figure out that from my side
He stopped paying all the credit cards -  I claimed bankrupcy to get away from that.
He says Life Sucks - I say Life’s OK
One by one I am getting myself away from his chaos.  But here is the buggy

People respect me, love me, care for me and God has protected me. That’s what’s really missing for him.  Everything he touches goes wrong.  For the first time in my life I am making more money than He is.  That is so weird to me.  I didn’t even know that till a friend mentioned it. 

I don’t know if he’s snap out of this or really understand what he has lost.  He has to one day wake up and remember the houses we had, the trips we went on, the plays we went to. The friends we had, the fun we had, the meals we ate. And maybe the love we had, how much I took care of him.  But, the mental part are this is so weird that he can be that gone.  Maybe he’ll work through it or maybe he’ll be that lost soul forever. 
God is with her, she will not fall
Psalms 46:5
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Offline Thunder

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #130 on: February 11, 2019, 07:19:13 PM »
I understand UL, more than you know.

I wish I had answers to this, but I don't.
Maybe his ow is so terribly, terribly broken that just having a man is all that matters to her.
It's not love, but maybe some sick need to have someone, anyone.

I still think some day these MLCer's have to remember what they lost.  What their life used to be like.
But then again who knows?

Maybe some do, and some don't and just stay stuck down the rabbit hole.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Keep believing

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #131 on: February 13, 2019, 03:38:58 AM »
What is mystery shopping?

Offline UnconditionalLoveTopic starter

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #132 on: February 13, 2019, 04:48:33 PM »
Yeah, we won’t have answers to everything for sure.

Keep Believing - Mystery shopping is for companies that want to find out how their service is.  Example - your assignment may be to go to a grocery store buy up to $9.00 with of groceries. Then head to the check out.  You may was the clerk pointed questions.  Look to make sure she smiles or addresses you ask you questions, etc.  Once you gather all your information you  go online to your company you are working for and turn your finding in.  They will probably pay for your $9.00 and $10 or $15.00  for your submition.  It’s good for a very part time job but not for a man who as 2 Ph’d. 
God is with her, she will not fall
Psalms 46:5
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Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #133 on: February 14, 2019, 03:07:33 AM »
What is mystery shopping?

It's sort of a more respectable version of collecting returnable bottles for the deposit....
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #134 on: February 14, 2019, 05:33:13 AM »
Yes another scenario is you go to a restaurant and pretend to knock over your coffee to see how the staff handles it.  They give you so much for the meal btw, or reimburse you for it.

Like you said UL, nice part-time job but not for someone with 2 Phd's.   ::)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Nas

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #135 on: February 14, 2019, 05:38:19 AM »
I did this in college.  I went to Dunkin Donuts when they first started selling bagels and my job was to order a bagel and report on whether they offered to put cream cheese on it for me.  :D
Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

Offline UnconditionalLoveTopic starter

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #136 on: February 16, 2019, 06:36:43 AM »
Hey, it's all pretty lame for him.  He completely went through the text book MLC.  I totally didn't see this at the start.  He's still in it.  Now, I think he's stuck tell she leaves him.  But I don't know how that looks.  She needs him for the business she started.  Tell that runs dry and no money is coming into it.  She will hold on to him.  He needs her because he has no other options.  I firmly believe she needs to be the one to walk about from him.  She needs to find her way out of this mess.  But in so many ways they are so alike.  They are dependent on each other.  She doesn't have her parents to lean on.  Her mother is now in a home and her dad passed away.  Jan doesn't have another or in his mind doesn't have anyone.  I keep say you have your old friends if anything happens.  I mean he left me right? But that was because he thought he had a sure thing.  He fought harder for her than he ever did for me through the years.  I think that is what saddens me the most.  She got his fight!  The fight I never saw.

I am down to 1 last thing to separate me from him.  Just one!  I wasn't able to get the 2014 taxes off with the bankruptcy so I have to work through that.  I filed to early and it didn't cover it because of an extension.  So now I need to figure out have I can get around that or just suck it up.  But that is all now.  Once I move that is all I have to deal with.  It's taken some time to get past his damage.  He sucked me down with him but I didn't drown.  I guess that's all anyone can ask for right?

Thanks everyone for still following this mess.  Hope you have a great day!
 
God is with her, she will not fall
Psalms 46:5
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Offline Thunder

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Re: Where Do We Fit - Last Chapter!
« Reply #137 on: February 16, 2019, 08:15:14 AM »
UL, very typical, as the LBS gets stronger and in a better place, the MLCer just sinks in worse.

You're possibly right, it may have to be her who ends it.  Who knows.
(I'm sending you a PM, when you get time).

Hugs
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

 

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