Author Topic: My Story H is moving forward with OW, But there is unfinished business with me 3  (Read 4061 times)

Offline waiting4Topic starter

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  • Tomorrow is another day..
 
  My new thread...his MLC/limbo/mess continues into its 3rd year now. H has pretty much disappeared at this point, no contact from him it seems unless it benefits him and its only by text...he is still with OW, they sold the Condo they were living in and bought a new house. He says things are good between him and OW and that he is happy and that nothing in the situation has changed..we are still married, no legal separation , he has not filed for divorce ….I am doing the best I can , staying busy, living my life....

Thank you to everyone that is following along, your support, encouragement and advice mean the world to me.

 can someone attach my old threads please.XXX

Previous thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10105.0
« Last Edit: June 27, 2018, 05:21:44 AM by Mitzpah »
Me-55
H - 55
Adult D- 35
Married 37 yrs. married 33 yrs at time of BD
date of BD  2015
OW- YES, 36 yr old with a 7yr old
H- moved out of our home in  2015 & moved in with OW
H- says doesnt want divorce, wants long term separation. doesnt know what the future holds.
 H- has introduced OW to his family and visits them often with OW.
 H- has introduced OW to a few of our friends.
 Entering 2018. H has not filed for divorce.
He is still living with OW
 If you're going through Hell, keep going

Online Rosetintedglasses

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Lovely to see your new thread Waiting.

Hope all goes well with your daughter,

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017 then EA
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline Thunder

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Welcome to your new thread, Waiting.   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline heroIam

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I'm here following along waiting! 
xx :)
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline stillbaffled

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Continuing on with you, Waiting. 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16 - his 53rd birthday
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline Thunder

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Waiting, I'm just curious, did that new lawyer ever take your case?  I don't remember, only that you talked to him.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline KeepItTogether

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Continuing along with you Waiting.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Sam I Am

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following your story....
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline Mrs.Smiling

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Following waiting...this last post sounds pretty familiar...

Smiles to you..
Be the best version of yourself... there is no other

You cant break my spirit, its my dreams you take - James Blunt

Offline waiting4Topic starter

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  • Tomorrow is another day..

  Good Morning.. this has been the longest week, I have gone down the rabbit hole, cycled, been very angry , stressed out, and now I'm just looking for a warm hole to crawl into and be left alone..

 I want this week over with...

 Our daughter had her blood work done yesterday.. it was very traumatic but she got through it. they will be checking for cancers, her thyroid. and also checking for diabetes .. in 6 months she has gone from weighing 120 to now 160.. she can not walk due to severe back pain, that becomes even worse when she sits, so laying flat on her back is the only way to get relief.. the pain is concentrated in her lower back and tailbone..she has no appettite and when she does eat she feels full after only a few bites, and feels bloated.

At this point her doctor suspects a tumor.. she has an ultra sound on Friday...

I am trying to stay positive and simply be here for her..im doing all I can to keep things calm around her..we are not having any discussions about H, anything that happens with him I'm keeping it to myself..

I had several text conversations with H yesterday.. i am not saying anything to him about our daughter at this time.. the text convo with him yesterday was in regards to two things.. #1 .. his credit card has had some charges that he claims he knows nothing about. ( we still have our joint accounts, even though i have some in my name only) .. so he is claiming he knows nothing about the charges.. the CC company informed me that the card was swiped for the transations..H repeatedly denied any knowledge and said his CC was always on him and that in fact the day of the charges he didnt go anywhere..

I had to laugh to myself.. i wasnt sure if he was trying to convince me or himself.. i didnt argue with him, just told him what the cc company said and told him they would be investagating it and that the account had been frozen and new cards were being sent ..he continued to go on and on about having his card on him at all times and there is no way anyone could get his card..it was as if he was doing a pre emptive strike on my accussing OW.. but i NEVER said a word about OW.

But im thinking to myslef how on earth was his card swiped without his knowledge.. he either gave it to someone.. or someone took it out of his wallet without his knowledge..

He said there is no way anyone had his card.. im thinking to meself.. so when you take a shower you have your wallet in the shower with you?!?! when you take your pain meds and a shot of whiskey and go to sleep , you are totally aware if someone got into your wallet ?!?!... i just kept it all to myself..

He is very angry about it... but for the first time he isnt directing it at me.. i have no access to his wallet, i have no access to his card... but he's living in a house with OW, her dad, her step brother and another relative...and the card was swiped at a business near OWs office..

 #2 then a few hours later, he makes a comment about something that happened recently in the news in regards to immigration ( OW , her dad , step brother are from south america) H made a comment about how fed up he is with all these illegals , and how these illegals come into the country and pool all there money within families and buy homes, that they have all these family members living under one roof ETC... i did not say a word... but OMGosh...he is living in the middle of that mess.. OW supports DOCCA, she is a realtor that only sells homes to immigrants and its always situations where 3-5 family members pool their money in order to afford the house... so he is making these comments to me while living in it.. UNBELIEVABLE....i cant imagine , H is a total conservative, and hates liberals.. but he's living with OW who is an immigrant from south america,she is living with god knows how many family members... she is a liberal/socialist, sells homes to a specific demographic ( immigrants) supports DOCCA, is unethical in her businness dealings by representing the buyer and the seller in the transations.. etc...

WHAT ON EARTH DOES H HAVE IN COMMON WITH OW?  I CANT IMAGINE THE CONVERSATIONS THAT GO ON IN THAT HOUSE...

I didnt say a word...

but im thinking to myself.. OH what a tangled web we weave, when once we practice to deceive...

Im just living a good, honest life... and there seems to be some stuff going on in LA LA LAND..
Me-55
H - 55
Adult D- 35
Married 37 yrs. married 33 yrs at time of BD
date of BD  2015
OW- YES, 36 yr old with a 7yr old
H- moved out of our home in  2015 & moved in with OW
H- says doesnt want divorce, wants long term separation. doesnt know what the future holds.
 H- has introduced OW to his family and visits them often with OW.
 H- has introduced OW to a few of our friends.
 Entering 2018. H has not filed for divorce.
He is still living with OW
 If you're going through Hell, keep going

Offline Thunder

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They never see their situation clearly, only everyone else's.   ::)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline waiting4Topic starter

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   going down the rabbit hole yesterday...

  Here I am 3 years into this mess, I am living on my own, doing the best I can to get on with things,, I am very very lonely.. the nights are endless..i miss that special connection with that special person ..i miss having someone here when i walk in the door..i miss having my hand held in a tender loving way..

even though i am busy, my life is in limbo..i am married but not married..i have a husband but he has turned his back on me..

i do not want a divorce .. i still love him.. i am still willing to do the work to rebuild our marriage.. but i get nothing from him..

at times i feel  he wants a divorce but doesn't have the balls to do it . that he is waiting me out.. hoping i break down and just give in.. agree to whatever he wants and take whatever he offers.. no lawyers, just an agreement put before a judge and that will be that.. we will go our separate ways.. 

i do not understand why OW is not fed up..why she hasnt made his life a living hell for not divorcing me and truly making her #1 in his life in every way..

I do not understand how he gets up everyday and goes about his life with no thought of me.. how does he go about daily life acting as if he is completley single.. taking OW around people he works with, introducing her all the while having a wife.. it turns my stomach.. it makes me sick..

I do not like going down the rabbit hole, thankfully i do not do it as often anymore..but i fell head first yesterday...

Therapy session today.. i hope it eases some of my feelings ...I continue to pray for my H.. I continue to work on myself..but at the end of the day.. im still in limbo, while H is living in LA LA LAND...

I hate the rabbit hole...
Me-55
H - 55
Adult D- 35
Married 37 yrs. married 33 yrs at time of BD
date of BD  2015
OW- YES, 36 yr old with a 7yr old
H- moved out of our home in  2015 & moved in with OW
H- says doesnt want divorce, wants long term separation. doesnt know what the future holds.
 H- has introduced OW to his family and visits them often with OW.
 H- has introduced OW to a few of our friends.
 Entering 2018. H has not filed for divorce.
He is still living with OW
 If you're going through Hell, keep going

Offline heroIam

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even though i am busy, my life is in limbo..i am married but not married..i have a husband but he has turned his back on me..
i do not want a divorce .. i still love him.. i am still willing to do the work to rebuild our marriage.. but i get nothing from him..


You are not alone waiting.
This too shall pass.
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Online Mitzpah

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Waiting,

I am hoping the blood work comes back ok, has she done any imaging tests?

When my son (13 at the time) had cancer (brain cancer), the only test that showed the tumor was a MRI of the brain. He is cancer free now, but I remember the difficult times of not knowing what it was.

Your h. is still immersed in a mess, isn't he? I am glad that you are refraining from telling him about your d. at the moment, he is obviously very mixed up and wouldn't be a help at all during this uncertain period.

Yes, limbo... I remember that very well - one of the advantages of being where I am at now is that I am still free to love him, but there are no gray areas of not knowing what is going to happen next. Other than life, of course :P

Take good care of yourself and your daughter. Let him be.
M 57
H 57
S 27
S 25
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline Milly

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Waiting, I'm so sorry you are facing this terribly anxious situation with your D's health. I do hope the tests tomorrow show something that can be easily treated, whatever it turns out to be.

I agree to not get your H involved right now. He seems to use everything against you these days. Ridiculous his denial of either having used the cc himself or having been used by someone he lives with. Incredible that he was insinuating that you might have used it, of course, your are ALWAYS to blame.

You know, I bet that even if he does ask OW if she used it, she will just admit it and convince him that she asked him for permission or something, or used it for his benefit, and he will believe her. Otherwise what is he doing living with her and her family whilst ridiculing that very situation? If that isn't telling of how blind they are to the life they're living and the people they are living beside.

Yes, I can not understand why OW hasn't made your H's life a living hell for still being legally married to you. Either she's so desperate or she's getting something out if it emotionally, financially, or for legal purposes.

Stay away from him for now. You and your D need to be able to use all your energies to get her well again. Big hugs to you and D. xxx
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline KeepItTogether

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Praying for your D Waiting, that there is nothing serious wrong and the fix is a quick and painless one.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Online Treasur

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Praying for you and your girl too, Waiting.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Milly

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Thinking of you and your D tonight. xxx
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline AleB

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Thinking of you and your daughter. Please, keep being strong....

Offline waiting4Topic starter

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  • Tomorrow is another day..

  It was a busy day yesterday with Daughter...she had her ultra sound and everything has been sent to a radiologist , we should hear something by the end of next week..

some of her blood work came back, so far no cancers, and her thyroid is normal.. some good news and  I am so very thankful . 

Her back pain is increasing , the only relief she gets is by laying flat … she says the pain is unbearable if she is in a sitting position..i want to take her pain away, I want our daughter to be happy again ..

i am staying positive and trying to keep her mind off of it, she misses her dad and i know she would give anything to have him here..but he has gone off for the 4th of July holiday..and he probably would ignore her if she reached out to him.

i was looking at our bank account online last night and i can see that he is in our hometown for the holiday with his family... i am feeling alot of anger for him right now..he litterally makes no effort to contact our daughter... i am just sick over it all, i am so angry that he treats our daughter as he does..

how much worse is this all going to get.. how much longer is he going to have this view that he is doing nothing wrong..
why are others around him not questioning his behaviour? its as if everyone has bought a ticket to watch this train wreck...

he says i kept him from his family..that i pushed and browbeat him into never seeing them.. that he is with somone now who puts him first and she is normal, and just gets along with everyone.. he went on a rant about how he will never forgive our daughter for not attending a memorial ceremony for his dad a few years ago...i told him  our daughter couldnt attend because she was working.. he said thats B--- S---..
this is all total insanity..he says im stuck in the past and cant let things go...and yet he's the one that brings up all this stuff about his family and not going around them for years.. he is the one that seems to be unable to let go of stuff..

some of the things he says just get stuck in my head.. weeks later I find it looping and I let it take over my thoughts, and ruin my day..the things that did happen but he has magnified or twisted or how he uses things to his benefit.. those are the things that start me questioning my own sanity..he is so firm in his belief that I have done him wrong, that I have been this awful woman in his life..that I kept him from his family... do I like his family ? no , no I don't.. was I ever rude to them? no, no I wasn't.. did they do things that pissed me off?  yes, yes they did...did I ever say to him YOU CAN NOT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOUR FAMILY? no, no I did not.. did I chain him in the basement ? no, no I did not..

i just ask myself how much worse is this going to get..i feel if i dropped dead he would be the happiest man on earth..

i am reeling today...i have so much on me.. i have so much on my mind.. i am so tired...i want to scream at God.. i am doing all i can to hold on.  i have bascially crawled over broken glass and swalloed my pride for  3 years...and all this just keeps getting worse..

He says" I am with someone now (pet name) " ...ok ... i get that..he has a full life with her..she is totally emmerced in his life.. his family, his job ,his charity work, his friends.. THE WHY IS HE NOT DIVORCING ME...if he cant forgive me or our daughter and he feels he is so justified in leaving me, then why does he not get the F--- of my my life completley...

i know i am reeling, im going down the rabbit hole..i sat with our daughter and watched her sleep and it just breaks my heart.. this craziness is such a waste.. so much time lost.. so many years that we will never get back...i took my wedding ring off last night and threw it across the room.. he is gone from my life and im trying to just have some kind of balance..

i cant have any communication with him anymore.. no communication with him for any reason not even bills.. not our daughter.. as long as he is with OW, as long as he has his family supporting him in all this , as long as he continues to blame me for everything..i have owned my part, i am working on myself..i am so tired of all this crap...he has turned my life upside down, i have never in my entire life known this kind of stress, or ever felt this kind of pain..i have never loved someone so much and so deeply  and had them spit in my face, openly and publcy humilate and embarass me ..

yes, i am going down the rabbit hole today...its going to be a very bad day today...



Me-55
H - 55
Adult D- 35
Married 37 yrs. married 33 yrs at time of BD
date of BD  2015
OW- YES, 36 yr old with a 7yr old
H- moved out of our home in  2015 & moved in with OW
H- says doesnt want divorce, wants long term separation. doesnt know what the future holds.
 H- has introduced OW to his family and visits them often with OW.
 H- has introduced OW to a few of our friends.
 Entering 2018. H has not filed for divorce.
He is still living with OW
 If you're going through Hell, keep going

Offline Thunder

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I don't know Waiting, I think the reason he will not divorce you is over money.  He probably knows that he would end up losing.  It's easier to just live his life and do nothing.

OR for some ridiculous reason he wants you to do the dirty work, but won't admit it.

Who knows.  They get so nutty.

I'm sorry your D is going through this without support of her father, but she has you.
I pray they find out what is wrong with her and can fix it.

Big Hug
« Last Edit: June 30, 2018, 08:56:56 AM by Thunder »
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline heroIam

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Waiting.
Whether it's about money or not for H or you, it's your decision.  It is not easy to live in uncertainty.  Believe me!   Whenever I think about making a decision about a D, I remember it isn't what I want and I would only be doing that out of spite and revenge and manipulation.  I am doing my best to forgive him (for me) so I canmove on with my life even with the way things are.  I count on faith, karma, god to deal with the situation.  In the meantime, I'm getting stronger and I now enjoy my life in gratitude for what I do have and for those around me that sincerely understand and care about me.

However, your situation with your H is slightly different because he seems to monster at you and emotionally abuse you.  But you have handled it with grace and dignity.  I'm not sure I would handle it with such grace as you have!   ::)  it would be challenging for sure!  I understand if you would want to move forward with a D.  And I support whatever decision you make.

I hope your D35 will be OK.  She has a strong mom beside her. 
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline xyzcf

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Quote
as long as he continues to blame me for everything..

I think having no communication with him is a good thing for YOU. Although it is hard to do, and takes lots of strength (for me anyway) to stay firm...YOU WILL NOT TREAT ME THIS WAY! It protects us from their insanity.

Your comment that I quoted above, realize this....this is their insanity...how can you possibly be blamed for everything? You know, you really know that you did everything you could to make your family and marriage a loving place..and to this day...there is nothing you would not do to help your family become whole again, nothing.

Try and change your perception of this.....who really is the one to "blame for everything?" and how come your daughter is also to blame for everything...he is her Father.....does he even act like one?

Quote
i have never in my entire life known this kind of stress, or ever felt this kind of pain..

Here is the place, we can be real about this intense and terrible pain...we know, we understand and I wish there was a way around it....even to this day, as you very well know, he has hurt me terribly once again. I am stronger and wiser and if I can...he will never be allowed to do this to me again.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Online Treasur

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Waiting, my darling girl...glad that the first tests are positive and we're all thinking of you both.

My 2 cents FWIW? You are suffering, I know, but as you can't change the current situation or read your h's mind or control his actions, the ONLY way to stop the suffering is to change your thoughts and actions.

1. Your instinct wisely is to go as close to NC with your irrational and monitoring h as you can. More of that. Set yourself a NC at all goal if you haven't already. Let your D choose how or if she wants to communicate her test results when she knows them. So, your first goal is to limit the presence of h in your real life. If there are financial things that require joint action or communication...put them off, automate what you can or set a 1 hour slot per week to deal with them. Stop your h's texts or emails popping up by getting them automatically sent to a separate folder, my infamous Folder of Doom, so you choose when to look. Or not. Ignore any stupid stuff like his cc...really? Are you the cc company or his life admin assistant? I think not. Pretty confident he's not doing that for you right? Use the rule of 3 days like a life raft. No phone calls for a month. I truly know it is hard and harder when they keep trying to suck you into crazy....but only you can stop the game. Try it for a bit. Even throw a dollar in a jar for every day you do it LOL...then see how you feel and review it.

2. Perhaps much harder, you need to start reducing his virtual existence in your head. All those 'why is he/why doesn't he' monkeys. Because they trigger you doubting your own reality and create a cascade of self-criticism which does not serve you right now. Some use rubber bands, some give themselves allotted minutes per day, some use an IC or journal, or find a distracting activity when the monkeys pop up in their brain. I got in the habit of just repeating one of two things 'It is as it is' or 'I have no f**king idea'.

All your questions and decisions and options about divorce etc can wait until you feel you have made h much smaller in your head and life, like a tiny cartoon figure having a tantrum, while you are like a big graceful multi-coloured bird of paradise....

And if your reaction is 'I can't do that because..x or y or z..', then my loving challenge is that suffering is when we fight reality, and reality always wins in the end. But sometimes we choose suffering first for other reasons and feelings. Been there, got several t-shirts! If that's so, that's ok, but be quietly honest with yourself and maybe find an IC to help you unpick that so you can start to suffer a little less.

And I know, my love, I know it's really easy to post and truly hard and brave to do. x
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online Mitzpah

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Waiting,

I am glad the first results are positive, let's continue to hope for the best!

We have a saying in Brazil, when you marry someone, you marry that person's family. In MLC, I think this is very true. You spoke of your h. blaming you that he didn't have a closer relationship with his own family ( :o)  I personally believe that when you marry someone, you need to honor that person's family. In your h.'s case, I believe that it is easy for OW to honor your h.'s family, after all, some of them are dead now, right? Latin Americans are all about honoring their families, I don't know how your h. is dealing with this - you say her father lives with them? I foresee a cultural shock.

Please take care of yourself and your d. at this time - let him be - he is pretty confused IMHO
M 57
H 57
S 27
S 25
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline heroIam

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Waiting, my darling girl...glad that the first tests are positive and we're all thinking of you both.

My 2 cents FWIW? You are suffering, I know, but as you can't change the current situation or read your h's mind or control his actions, the ONLY way to stop the suffering is to change your thoughts and actions.

1. Your instinct wisely is to go as close to NC with your irrational and monitoring h as you can. More of that. Set yourself a NC at all goal if you haven't already. Let your D choose how or if she wants to communicate her test results when she knows them. So, your first goal is to limit the presence of h in your real life. If there are financial things that require joint action or communication...put them off, automate what you can or set a 1 hour slot per week to deal with them. Stop your h's texts or emails popping up by getting them automatically sent to a separate folder, my infamous Folder of Doom, so you choose when to look. Or not. Ignore any stupid stuff like his cc...really? Are you the cc company or his life admin assistant? I think not. Pretty confident he's not doing that for you right? Use the rule of 3 days like a life raft. No phone calls for a month. I truly know it is hard and harder when they keep trying to suck you into crazy....but only you can stop the game. Try it for a bit. Even throw a dollar in a jar for every day you do it LOL...then see how you feel and review it.

2. Perhaps much harder, you need to start reducing his virtual existence in your head. All those 'why is he/why doesn't he' monkeys. Because they trigger you doubting your own reality and create a cascade of self-criticism which does not serve you right now. Some use rubber bands, some give themselves allotted minutes per day, some use an IC or journal, or find a distracting activity when the monkeys pop up in their brain. I got in the habit of just repeating one of two things 'It is as it is' or 'I have no f**king idea'.

All your questions and decisions and options about divorce etc can wait until you feel you have made h much smaller in your head and life, like a tiny cartoon figure having a tantrum, while you are like a big graceful multi-coloured bird of paradise....

And if your reaction is 'I can't do that because..x or y or z..', then my loving challenge is that suffering is when we fight reality, and reality always wins in the end. But sometimes we choose suffering first for other reasons and feelings. Been there, got several t-shirts! If that's so, that's ok, but be quietly honest with yourself and maybe find an IC to help you unpick that so you can start to suffer a little less.

And I know, my love, I know it's really easy to post and truly hard and brave to do. x


Oh wow!  Thank you Treasur.  Everything you said helps me too! 
Waiting, Yes!! yes!!  everything Treasur just said.  She articulated it so well and is spot on.
I'm here with you waiting.  We really do get stronger, I have felt it and I know you can too.
big hugs.
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline waiting4Topic starter

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  • Tomorrow is another day..

  Feeling very sad .. I went to church this morning and my H was so very heavy on my heart.. I prayed for him, and made a prayer request for him..I later just sent him a text to say I hope he was well and that I was praying for him.. He has now blocked me from his phone..

The more I love him, the more patient and understanding I try to be the more he pushes me away and hates me..there is not one ounce of love, care or concern from him , either for me or our daughter..

Im not in a good place at all today..
Me-55
H - 55
Adult D- 35
Married 37 yrs. married 33 yrs at time of BD
date of BD  2015
OW- YES, 36 yr old with a 7yr old
H- moved out of our home in  2015 & moved in with OW
H- says doesnt want divorce, wants long term separation. doesnt know what the future holds.
 H- has introduced OW to his family and visits them often with OW.
 H- has introduced OW to a few of our friends.
 Entering 2018. H has not filed for divorce.
He is still living with OW
 If you're going through Hell, keep going

Offline Thunder

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Waiting, I'm sorry you're feeling so sad right now.  It happens.  Remember we cycle too.

Best not to contact him at all.  He just doesn't want it from you right now.  It's only seen as pressure.
How do you know he blocked you?
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline waiting4Topic starter

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 Thunder.. my text to him was 2 parts and the second part didn't go through.. and its been a few hours and it still hasn't gone through so he's blocked me..

I wasnt expecting a reply from him, i wasnt looking for that at all... but i didnt expect to be blocked.

this is all just wearing on me.. im taking care of everything and im just exhausted.. i cant keep up with all of it , and on top of that im worried about our daughter, and im incredibably lonely..having no affection from the man i have spent my life with is ripping me apart..i feel old, used and thrown away.. while hes out living a great life with his younger woman..

 
« Last Edit: July 01, 2018, 12:49:44 PM by waiting4 »
Me-55
H - 55
Adult D- 35
Married 37 yrs. married 33 yrs at time of BD
date of BD  2015
OW- YES, 36 yr old with a 7yr old
H- moved out of our home in  2015 & moved in with OW
H- says doesnt want divorce, wants long term separation. doesnt know what the future holds.
 H- has introduced OW to his family and visits them often with OW.
 H- has introduced OW to a few of our friends.
 Entering 2018. H has not filed for divorce.
He is still living with OW
 If you're going through Hell, keep going

Offline Thunder

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It's no wonder you're exhausted.  You do a lot!

Is there any way you could hire someone to help with things?  Hey he spend money on his ow, you spend money on hired help.

Being exhausted doesn't do much for your peace of mind either.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline waiting4Topic starter

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 Thunder.. I am going to have to do something.. I simply can not keep up this pace..I am hiring help this coming week to take care of a  few things.. I just want to keep my focus on our daughter right now..

I've had some many blows lately and I feel it affecting me in everyway.. it just seems like I 'm drowning, my closest and favorite aunt had throat surgery yesterday for thyroid cancer.. the surgery was very successful.. but the stress of it all just knocked me for a loop...and then finding out H was in our hometown with OW and her son and  i'm holding our daughter while she cries over her dad turning his back on her and replacing her.. and trying my best not to say anything bad about him to her..

On Friday i found out that H is actually making DOUBLE what he told me he was making...which was just one more blow.. he has caused me so much stress over the house and the cabin telling me he cant afford them anymore and pressuring me to sell..

I just do not know how much longer I can take this.. how much longer can I hold things together while he's off having fun with OW.. I know it is not Christian.. I know it wrong to feel this way but I really just want to slap the S**t out of her …

I feel like the karma bus is running over me, and i cant figure that out.. i mean really... what's the deal? its suppose to be falling apart in their world...
Me-55
H - 55
Adult D- 35
Married 37 yrs. married 33 yrs at time of BD
date of BD  2015
OW- YES, 36 yr old with a 7yr old
H- moved out of our home in  2015 & moved in with OW
H- says doesnt want divorce, wants long term separation. doesnt know what the future holds.
 H- has introduced OW to his family and visits them often with OW.
 H- has introduced OW to a few of our friends.
 Entering 2018. H has not filed for divorce.
He is still living with OW
 If you're going through Hell, keep going

Offline Thunder

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I'm glad to hear you are getting some help.  At least you will get rid of one of your stressors.

Oh waiting, why do they feel the need to lie about everything?  It's so senseless.
I'm glad you found out, though.  Now you know the truth, IF he ever files.

Why do they turn away from their own kids?  I'll never understand that either.   :(

I have a nosy question for you.  I know he is paying the mortgage, but has he paid you anything for spousal maintenance?
Seems like he sure should be.

I don't think slapping the sh*t out of her is too horrible a thought.   You're not acting on it.   ;D
So you're mad at her.  Anybody would be.  Mad at both of them.   What their doing is wrong....and sinful!
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline waiting4Topic starter

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  Thunder... I don't think you are being noisy..

  Finances... where do I start.. H and I are not legally separated..He has never even attempted to file for divorce but has said several times that we have no choice but to divorce as he feels things are too crazy between us but in the same breath he says he doesn't think a divorce will give him peace.. from the moment H walked out the front door he has said he wants a long term separation because no one knows what the future holds. he recently said that he was going to file for divorce but he is very busy and just keeps putting it off..then he made a comment that he has no plans to come home.. but never say never..

I did file for divorce for adultery but only to get the courts to help me gain certain financial information..
i gained alot of information through this , it also angered H to the point of threatening each attorney i had. as of today .. we are not legally separated.. my petition for divorce for adultery is alive in the court system but it is on hold with no action at this time..

we still have joint accounts.. Credit cards, mortage , bank account.. we both use the joint credit cards and we both draw from the joint bank account..i am covered as his wife on health /dental insurance.  are wills are still the same..both our names are on insurances for the house, cabin and all cars. the house and the cabin are both in my trust. phone bill, cable bill, water bill, HOA, are all still in Hs name. all of my bills are paid by H as they have been our entire marriage..

He has 500-1,000 each month pulled out of his payroll check each month and put in his "secrect " bank account.. This is for some type of living expenses with OW ..he has a debit card for that account which is in his name only i believe..he has no other credit cards. and i do a credit check on him each month for all 3 credit reporting agencies.. his credit score has not changed ..there have been no inquiries ..

I have a credit card in my name only, i have a bank account in my name only ..i have money in said bank account to use in case he stops paying for things.. i also removed money from our joint saftey deposit box and put it all in a saftey deposit box at my bank in my name only..

All bills come here to our house, even his medical bills..any information about his job comes here to our house as well..

the only thing i do not have information on is his 401K.. which is a biggie...

the thing i cant figure out  is why he has never put forth any settlement offer .. he knows what we have and all he has to do is put a number out there , but he never has.. he has said many times " why cant we sit down and just divide things up" i keep telling him to put an offer on the table and ill let him know.. but he will not do it..

 i have not sat in a room with him in 1.5 years .. i have not heard his voice in almost 1 year.he has nothing in our marital home that is of a personal nature. he has not stepped foot inside our marital home since dec. 28 2016.. he has not been to our cabin in over a year. he stopped initated friendly  contact with me in  oct 2017. he rarely even replies now if i text him in regards to bills, more often then not if he does reply he monsters at me..

H has been with OW for 3 years and 2 months and has never left her.. I simply do not know what to think anymore.. i am getting to the end of my rope, and i am losing all hope that this will turn around..i believe OW is firmly inserted herself in his life and she is not going to go away.. i believe she uses his family to keep her gripe on him..his family has nothing to do with me or our daughter..

since we are not legally separated nor divorced.. that we are in fact still legally married I am his legal next of kin.. but with that said he has removed me as his emergency contact.. he had placed our daughter as his emergency contact but since he no longer speaks to her im not sure who he has listed...which is going to cause a huge mess if something happens to him.. nothing he has done since he has been with OW has made any sense ..

I do now feel that my H is gone forever..i can now say that i truly feel he will never come back and we will never reconcile... :'(
« Last Edit: July 01, 2018, 03:56:24 PM by waiting4 »
Me-55
H - 55
Adult D- 35
Married 37 yrs. married 33 yrs at time of BD
date of BD  2015
OW- YES, 36 yr old with a 7yr old
H- moved out of our home in  2015 & moved in with OW
H- says doesnt want divorce, wants long term separation. doesnt know what the future holds.
 H- has introduced OW to his family and visits them often with OW.
 H- has introduced OW to a few of our friends.
 Entering 2018. H has not filed for divorce.
He is still living with OW
 If you're going through Hell, keep going

Offline Thunder

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Wow, what a crazy situation, Waiting.  Who could ever explain this?  None of it makes any sense.

If you didn't love and miss him you'd almost have a perfect situation.  You have money, freedom and he pays for everything.    Not that you would, but you could even have a boyfriend.   :o

I sure have no answers for you except to try to detach from him in every way possible.  You D needs to do the same thing.
Just have complete NC with him unless it's an emergency.
He is so lost and who knows if he will come back.  Who knows if he's really happy.  Or if he will eventually file.  You may even get to that point.
So many unknowns.  No wonder your exhausted.

Thank you for replying to my nosy question.   :)

A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Please, Waiting, finish it. Go through with the divorce. Your attorney will find out what's in the 401K.

Get this nightmare over with.

Offline Milly

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Waiting, I'm glad to hear that the tests on your D don't show any cancers so far. I hope that has taken the pressure down a step.

Regarding your H and your feelings that he's never coming back, I know exactly how you're feeling. They do tell us that around the 3.5/4.5 year stage is the hardest for the LBS to handle: the MLCer is still in monster and getting worse. We want to give up, we see no hope.

It's sadly very possible that your H and mine will never get out of this crisis. They might stay stuck, and having the money to stay in the crisis sure doesn't help.

However, I would still say it's not normal to remain married to someone you can't stand, can't look at, can't talk to, even if it is just about money. And it's not as if your H is lacking money. It's also not normal to keep paying everything for the wife like before, keeping his bills coming to the family home, wills the same, insurance the same. To me it stinks of someone who can't let go of 'that' connection.

I pushed to not let mine have that connection, told him to get all his bills sent to his home (they still aren't all), get his residency changed (still hasn't), I've moved away, cut connection, and I'm getting the same rotten monster as you are. So I can't say that anything helps. Although making these decisions has helped me feel better about myself.

Good luck with the rest of your D's tests.xxxx
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Online Treasur

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Dear Waiting...you didn't choose this situation but it is causing you pain. Practically, you have one of four choices as I see it: (and please feel free to take bits or ignore the lot  :))
- stay where you are with the pain you feel is unbearable, waiting for something or someone to change the situation
- accept the current reality of your marriage and finances, ignore it and your h and find something else important and good to focus on
- take steps to separate your life and finances even more to remove that sense of a 'pretend' joint life, minimal contact with h and again focus on what you want to do with the next bit of your life regardless
- decide that you now need to control the next bit of your life, take h at his word that he is not coming back and go back to finalising the divorce.

None of these are easy but right now the fifth option you want of a real h who loves you and is by your side is not available. Or not with this h and not right now. So, irrespective of the choice you make, what matters most for your wellbeing is probably that you make one and set your own sails...that you exercise some control over your own life. We will support you no matter what you choose because it is your life.
« Last Edit: July 02, 2018, 02:56:11 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline waiting4Topic starter

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  Good Morning .. Thank you everyone for your continued support, this is a difficult thing I am going through

Facing and going through the ordeal of breast cancer was a difficult thing to walk through ..i realized that this morning.. i prayed and then sat still to really clear my head and just let the answers come..what did i realize ? i realized that i accepted the cancer.. i had been handed a diagnosis, it was not what i wanted..i did not want to face any of it and so i ran home, got in bed and pulled the covers over my head..as the hours  passed  i knew i simply could not run from it...there were doctors appointments , and more tests.. decisions had to be made..i look back on that and i see that it didn't break me.. i faced it , my H was gone, he was setting up house with OW..between that awful day of being told i had cancer and right now i have never felt the loving arms of my H around me.. i have not once been able to break down and cry while being held in the arms of the man who promised to love and cherish me, for better or worse, in sickness and in health.. i faced it all and i see that i am stronger for it..i put it in Gods hands , i asked for his guidance..i asked for his help  and almost 3 years later i am here..i survived

so i asked myself this morning.. what's the difference in what i faced then to what i am facing right now..why is this awful situation so much harder ...i truly prayed about it, i sat still ...the difference is i accepted it, i had cancer.. i had this awful thing that i didn't want.. i knew no one else could tell me what to do.. i had to decide for myself what was best for me..I knew i needed God more than i needed my H..I knew i needed to put my needs ahead of those of my H..

The difference is i didn't lay down and wallow in it..i didn't feel sorry for myself..i didn't beg and plead..i simply faced it, gathered a great team of doctors , asked questions , looked at my options, prayed, asked God to guide me.. made my decisions.. the decisions were mine.. i owned them..each step of the way i asked God to help guide me in my decisions..and with each decision it felt right..i was scared, i didn't know what the future held but the decisions i made felt right..

That's where i am now.. in this situation.. in this crisis..i have faced hard things in my life and i have come out ok..I am facing a crisis now..again it is not a crisis i want.. but i have to face it..i have to accept it..at the end of the day i am the one that has to live with my decisions..

I have to stay true to myself in this..rash decisions should never be made about things that truly matter.. knee jerk decisions/reactions never turn out well.

Nothing my H is doing makes any sense.. it is all crazy, plain and simple..i know divorcing my H will not change my feelings for him..I know divorcing my H will not take the pain of all this away. I know divorcing my H will not answer the millions of questions i have in my head..I know divorcing my H will not change what has happened..

So me going through with a divorce is not the answer for me..i have prayed this morning, and i have the same answer i have been given since all this started... God is not releasing me to divorce.. God is telling me he has this..no matter what, he has this..weather H comes home or not ..God has this..my prayers this morning were answered with " get your hands off the wheel..I mean it waiting, take your hands off all this. i see your tears, i know what is in your heart. your season now is to wait, trust in me.."

i have so much on me right now , but i know there is a reason for it all.. i am tired.. i am lonely..but i know there is a reason …i have to accept this, make decisions that are right for me, lean into God and seek his guidance, work on myself, take each day one day at a time, distance myself from the craziness as much as i can..

Love to all XXXX

 
Me-55
H - 55
Adult D- 35
Married 37 yrs. married 33 yrs at time of BD
date of BD  2015
OW- YES, 36 yr old with a 7yr old
H- moved out of our home in  2015 & moved in with OW
H- says doesnt want divorce, wants long term separation. doesnt know what the future holds.
 H- has introduced OW to his family and visits them often with OW.
 H- has introduced OW to a few of our friends.
 Entering 2018. H has not filed for divorce.
He is still living with OW
 If you're going through Hell, keep going

Online Treasur

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Ok, now you're cooking option 2 maybe....so what else are you going to focus on and do for Waiting's life that takes your eye of the bad stuff and brings you joy?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline heroIam

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Dear Waiting...you didn't choose this situation but it is causing you pain. Practically, you have one of four choices as I see it: (and please feel free to take bits or ignore the lot  :))
- stay where you are with the pain you feel is unbearable, waiting for something or someone to change the situation
- accept the current reality of your marriage and finances, ignore it and your h and find something else important and good to focus on
- take steps to separate your life and finances even more to remove that sense of a 'pretend' joint life, minimal contact with h and again focus on what you want to do with the next bit of your life regardless
- decide that you now need to control the next bit of your life, take h at his word that he is not coming back and go back to finalising the divorce.

None of these are easy but right now the fifth option you want of a real h who loves you and is by your side is not available. Or not with this h and not right now. So, irrespective of the choice you make, what matters most for your wellbeing is probably that you make one and set your own sails...that you exercise some control over your own life. We will support you no matter what you choose because it is your life.

Waiting, Treasur put the choices out there.  If you don't want a divorce, own that decision, take responsibility for that decision and do not waiver.  Make that decision.  Period.  And, knowing you now have a decision, you can start to detach, release him, and start to enjoy your life without him.  Let him keep paying, let him keep doing whatever he's doing.  We can't control it anyway. 
So the way I see it is option 2 and 3.  Ask yourself honestly --- Can you do this waiting? 

- accept the current reality of your marriage and finances, ignore it and your h and find something else important and good to focus on
- take steps to separate your life and finances even more to remove that sense of a 'pretend' joint life, minimal contact with h and again focus on what you want to do with the next bit of your life regardless


My H and I do not have anything joint, except our properties.  However in my state it is 50/50 community property anyway.  So if he buys a house with OW, it's half mine.  If he buys anything for OW, it's half mine.   8)

The mistake I've made for quite some time was to think 'well he's still paying stuff so he must plan on returning'.  No, that isn't always the case.  And you (and I) really need to dismiss that thought.  And waiting, you really have got to cut the contact with H.  You will do what you will do - and if you choose to continue contact, then you will continue to suffer.  IF you choose to continue resisting what is, then you will suffer.

If you can start to work on changing your thoughts with your IC and learn some new ways of thinking and living, it will help you.  Focus on your healing.  Take the focus off of your H.  YOU HAVE NO CONTROL over H and what he does or says.   Pining and wallowing over our H's does you (or me) no good.  We just torture ourselves in doing so.  You can do this waiting.  I know you can.  There will be down times for sure.  But if I can get there, so can you.  Nothing is as it seems in this life. 

I'm just reiterating what was told to me by my IC and many LBS friends.
I hope your D is doing better. 
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline The lighthouse

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Hi Waiting,

I found you.  :)

Despite the pain you are feeling right now, I think, with the help of some great support and advice from other LBS's you have made a decision that is right for you.  Imo, it sounds like a good plan.  :)


Nothing my H is doing makes any sense.. it is all crazy, plain and simple..i know divorcing my H will not change my feelings for him..I know divorcing my H will not take the pain of all this away. I know divorcing my H will not answer the millions of questions i have in my head..I know divorcing my H will not change what has happened..

So me going through with a divorce is not the answer for me..i have prayed this morning, and i have the same answer i have been given since all this started... God is not releasing me to divorce.. God is telling me he has this..no matter what, he has this..weather H comes home or not ..God has this..my prayers this morning were answered with " get your hands off the wheel..I mean it waiting, take your hands off all this. i see your tears, i know what is in your heart. your season now is to wait, trust in me.."

i have so much on me right now , but i know there is a reason for it all.. i am tired.. i am lonely..but i know there is a reason …i have to accept this, make decisions that are right for me, lean into God and seek his guidance, work on myself, take each day one day at a time, distance myself from the craziness as much as i can..


With this in mind, I would like to share something with you from the HS archives that I came across a long time ago written by another LBS that has always made a lot of sense to me. 

Some of the most painful posts to read here ....is the confusion and turmoil of betrayed spouses....

those post BD days, weeks, and sadly months in which so many things are left unanswered, unaddressed and emtpy...

be still.....

In our turmoil and chaos and the gnawing need to fix and address.....bs bring into their hearts more pain and crisis....

be still...

There was once a saying I read somewhere that went something like to really ever understand someone else we must crawl inside of them and feel the gentle beat of their heart....

easier probably for a BS to move a mountain than to grasp and work from that realm....

but be still...
each moment of stillness you can buy grab or gobble is a moment in which you are free from the pain and free from the fear..

fear of doing the wrong thing
fear of saying the wrong thing...

the goal is not marriage rebuilding at any cost...
the goal is guiding yourself to a place of stillness...no matter the outcome....

the anatomy of a WS is that they changed and molded their own thought processes so that they could engage in a affair....

they did this....
they did this....over time and in a way in which they can barely see the reality of this...but they did do it...

be still

it takes time.....

too many posts are from BS with unrealistic EXPECTATIONS which will harm you...

it is unrealistic to think that the thought processes needed to engage in such vile actions....vanishes over night

working through affair issues takes time...gobs and gobs of it...
and if you find yourself standing in a place of demanding change and specified responses, introspection, apologies, and instant change...

be still

for you are causing more grief that you need to burdon....

they did this...and they must undo this...

will they?
the truth is we don't know..
but to ever be a whole person again they darn well better...otherwise they carry their chaos on and on..and in the end no BS needs to burdon that.....

WS, though hard to see when they have used you as a weapon are very very damaged inside.....

they can not face that damage...and since that damage is YOU the BS...they often can not face you..

so they continue to waffle and wallow in the path that brought them to this place...

the way of rationalizing and justifying downright no two ways about it dispicable behavior acts....

force them to the face and process at once..
they will withdrawal
they will deny
they will retaliate

or even worse they will self destruct themselves....

be still....

don't force responses and actions and answers...be still and know that their non-responses , non actions and non answers ARE their answers....and you can hold them accountable to that

be still
and then make your moves....

ARK^^


Big hugs to you.  Be kind to yourself, be gentle with yourself, and BE STILL.
« Last Edit: July 05, 2018, 07:52:42 PM by The lighthouse »
M 1992
BD June 2011
Still with OW - No legal action

I am the lighthouse. I don't go out into the storm after the ship.  The ship finds me.

Offline heroIam

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I love this LH.
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline waiting4Topic starter

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   I have been catching up on some of the threads this morning as I have been off for a while..

  Thank you to everyone that has offered love and support..it means so much to me..i hope what I post helps others in this in some way..

 I am at the 3 year mark now.. 3 years and 2 months to be exact. When all this started I thought it would all be over within a year, that we would either be reconciled or divorced. But it has turned into the most bizarre situation even by therapist standards .. you know you are in trouble when a Psychiatrist shakes his head and gives you that deer caught  in the headlights look..

I have spent 3 years trying to make sense of all of it... 3 years trying to understand how all this happened. 3 years trying to get my feet back on solid ground..before BD I was living a very normal life.. H and I had been married over 3 decades , we had raised our daughter, become successful , financially secure, we were approaching retirement years within the next decade...all seemed as it should be and then it all exploded with one phone call , a female voice  telling me she had been having an affair with my H.. a total stranger telling me things she knew about my private life , about my family, about my husband.. I will never forget that day.. I can not express how violated I felt then and still feel 3 years later..

I know my H is to blame for his actions..believe me I hold him responsible.. but I will not look the other way in regards to OW.. I will not let her off the hook..just as my H has free will.. so does the OW..no matter how I slice it I have another woman living with, sleeping with, having sex with my husband as if I do not exist..My H and this OW are going about life , buying a home, raising her son, paying bills, visiting family, taking vacations, building careers,  with no thought or care that my H is still married to me.. that my H has not filed for divorce .. that our daughter and I have been pushed to the side as if we do not even exist..even if my H is lying through his teeth to her about what is going on, SHE is accepting it, SHE is not looking into finding the TRUTH..SHE is willingly taking part in the harm of innocent people..

" ohhh look at her, she loves him so much she  is not asking him to divorce his wife, she knows his wife is crazy and will take all his money .. she doesnt need a ring on her finger for him  to prove his love for her, he left his wife for her that proves he loves her. what they have is romantic love, he is taking care of his wife financially  he is an honorable man" ....  I have recently been told this is how OW and some people around them see this...all i can do is shake my head , i am standing here looking at this with logic and reason and all i can do is shake my head...

I simply continue to pray each day, i get up and do the best i can each day. i am busy , i have a life... i am not making any decisions to legally end my marriage.. i did not ask for any of this, i have asked my H to stop and to come home and for us to try and rebuild our relationship, life ,family and marriage...I remain a loving and faithful wife to him..the pain and hurt this has caused me is very deep..i still miss him, there is a huge hole in our family..we get on with things but there is an elephant in the room that we are all stepping around..and its all so senseless.. my H is loved.. we care about him..we miss him..we are here to help him through whatever this is he is going through..the last comments he made in regards to this ….

" the reason i left is still happening today "

" I told you to stop and you cant"

" it was hard for me to leave"

"I just couldnt take it any longer"

"and today you still fight me"

" stop making crazy accusations and assertions"

" stop accusing me of everything"

"stop commenting on the current situation"

" stop making crazy claims"

" stop reminding me of the past 20 years "

" just stop"

this is where my husbands head is at the 3 year mark... and yet he still has not filed for divorce, nor has he put a ring on her finger.. i want to be very clear with everyone, i have made no false claims, accertions,accusations..as for "making comments " on the current situation, i am living the current situation.. the current situation affects my life in many ways , even with detachment and no contact this current situation is very much apart of my life, we are still legally married, we still have a daughter together, bills have to be paid, etc..

I am doing better in regards to handling things on my own ... i am doing better in how i respond to things in that i am not blowing up at him, i either call a friend, or talk to my therapist about it.. i refuse to let him see how upset he can make me..

By his list of things he just wants me to act as if nothing is happening, he wants me to act as if everything is ok and normal ..and by his list he takes no responsibility and puts everything on me ..

As i enter the 3rd year of this mess i know beyond a doubt that there is something very serioulsy wrong with my H..I have no doubt that OW  and his FOO are fueling/enabling his behaviour and decisions. i will continue to pray each and everyday.. i will continue to "BE STILL" in this mess...i will not be the one to legally end our marriage..I will not be pushed by OW and her death grip on my H ...I will simply get up each day and do the best i can to find joy  and to be thankful for all that i do have in my life..

I am being told that there is still hope in my situation.. my H did initate contact with me yesterday for the first time in a while..it was about "business" i have no expectations from it..we were civil with each other and thats something for now.. a few weeks ago he was calling me every name he could think of...but i still have my moments when i ask myself......
when does this FOG start to fade ? when does it all start to fall apart in their relationship ?!?! if their relationship started while he was still sleeping with me.. still living in our home .. if their relationship is a sin.. if he is walking around letting people think he is either Single, or i am in some way ok with what he is doing.. when does that blow up in their face?!?!

On a positive note... our daughters ultrasound came back and it is clear.. so the next step will be back xrays..we had a great time with family and friends recently..i was a teacher for Vacation Bible School this past week and it was a wonderful experience..
 

Praying for us all ...XXX





 

Me-55
H - 55
Adult D- 35
Married 37 yrs. married 33 yrs at time of BD
date of BD  2015
OW- YES, 36 yr old with a 7yr old
H- moved out of our home in  2015 & moved in with OW
H- says doesnt want divorce, wants long term separation. doesnt know what the future holds.
 H- has introduced OW to his family and visits them often with OW.
 H- has introduced OW to a few of our friends.
 Entering 2018. H has not filed for divorce.
He is still living with OW
 If you're going through Hell, keep going

Offline waiting4Topic starter

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  • Tomorrow is another day..

 H has initiated contact with me again this morning.. this is the third time since Friday and each time has been polite and cordial. Friday was about the cabin, we discussed it and he briefly veered off and asked  what I had been up to..then late Saturday night he contacted about taxes.. again it was cordial.. it did get a little more personal .. he came across at one point in the discussion as annoyed  ( not at me ) and I made a comment along the lines of " you seem annoyed , its Saturday night , you should be relaxed and happy"  he replied  " you don't  know how I feel, don't imply I am happy you just don't know so don't assume things"  :o

At that point I got back onto the topic of taxes and he seemed ok..

This morning I get a third text from him.. he goes into more detail about the taxes..then tells me his travel plans this week for work.. telling me where he is going and that he will be gone most of the week   ???

I waited for about an hour before i replied and i just said " Be Safe "
 and he replies immediately with Thank you , Pet name.....

I have no expectations about this, over all he is just letting me know about the taxes and keeping me in the loop... but i am puzzled by his snippy reply in regards to being happy...

I have no intentions of following up with him as i see its just time for him to start doing the contacting..He has initiated for the first time in awhile and as only natural i do wonder about it.. Today is the 3 year anniversary of " the phone call that ruined my life"

I would love to think  this is positive movement toward me in a very small way.. but i wont risk my heart , i  know i need to stay where i am currently ... which is standing back from him and simply watching if/when he approaches...not long ago he gave me a list of things he said i needed to do.... weather that was the start of something for him i have no idea.. only time will tell..

Blessings to all..XXXX
Me-55
H - 55
Adult D- 35
Married 37 yrs. married 33 yrs at time of BD
date of BD  2015
OW- YES, 36 yr old with a 7yr old
H- moved out of our home in  2015 & moved in with OW
H- says doesnt want divorce, wants long term separation. doesnt know what the future holds.
 H- has introduced OW to his family and visits them often with OW.
 H- has introduced OW to a few of our friends.
 Entering 2018. H has not filed for divorce.
He is still living with OW
 If you're going through Hell, keep going

Offline KeepItTogether

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Well, depressed people are not happy. Ever. Your comment likely felt like an attack on his end. Not that it was. But of course that is how an extremely self centered, defensive, guilt ridden person would take it. My H has often told me he is far from happy. Even when he told me he wanted a D and was going to be with his OW "officially." Still wasn't happy.  None of them are. They may tell us that they are happy though, some of them anyway.

Conversation and communication is always positive. So take it as that and leave it there. I am a lot like you. I enjoy poking the bear. I have found though, that since puling back on that particular behavior, I am much more at peace. And H seems to have responded. Doing nothing is quite possible the hardest thing I have ever done. And still not completely there.

These "anniversaries" kind of suck don't they? But know that you really are doing great. This is one of those things in life where we are truly being tested. And we can either grow from it. Or we can shrivel in the corner. My guess is that most people on this forum are healing and growing. We are all fighters and survivors. You got this girl.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline heroIam

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Waiting,
Remember, no expectations! 
He has been cordial and nice before, as I recall, and he has called you by your pet name before......
So, don't let anything he says get you believing anything has changed.
Just be cautious.  Protect your heart. 
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline Thunder

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A list of things for you to do??   ???

Waiting I think it has to do with you adding "happy" in the sentence.
He got defensive over that word, in my opinion.

If you had said..You seem annoyed, it's Saturday you should be relaxing" bet you would have gotten a better response. 

I love that you are now letting him do the contacting.  It's always much better coming from them.  They feel less pressure.
Plus you're being cordial.  Perfect!
I wouldn't read too much into it but I do feel it's a positive.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline waiting4Topic starter

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 I read an article this morning about a celebrity couple.. The article was written in 1996 about Donnie Simpson ( million dollar a year disc jockey and co host on BET) and his wife Pam..

Donnie Simpson was well known as a family man etc.. married for 20 years  and then one day just walked out on his wife and 2 kids for a younger woman.. He and his wife were separated for 3.5 years.. his wife at one point did seek legal council but it was just not in her heart to file and go through with a divorce.. so she dropped any further talk of it and simply decided that she wanted her husband/family back...

She did her best to just stay positive , she focused on herself and raising her children.. did her best to be kind and cordial to Donnie when they spoke.. they would go at times with no contact for months

 it was an interesting article and it left me with a feeling of some hope.. At the 3.5 year mark Donnie just decided he wanted to go home..

Blessings to all..XXX
Me-55
H - 55
Adult D- 35
Married 37 yrs. married 33 yrs at time of BD
date of BD  2015
OW- YES, 36 yr old with a 7yr old
H- moved out of our home in  2015 & moved in with OW
H- says doesnt want divorce, wants long term separation. doesnt know what the future holds.
 H- has introduced OW to his family and visits them often with OW.
 H- has introduced OW to a few of our friends.
 Entering 2018. H has not filed for divorce.
He is still living with OW
 If you're going through Hell, keep going

Online Rosetintedglasses

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Waiting

Thanks for that, must look that story up. 3.5 years doesn’t sound too long in their story but as we know it’s like an eternity living through it, especially not knowing when or if it will ever end.

Glad all is ok with D’s ultrasound.

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017 then EA
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline waiting4Topic starter

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  I packed my bags and just left.. loaded my car and drove off in the night, left a message with my daughter to not worry that I just need to run away right now...

 I am so very confused... I am too logical and rational for my own good I guess. things have to make sense , there has to be order. things have to be grounded..if you feel a certain way , you show it.. if you want something , you ask for it..

if you cant stand your wife and leave to live with another woman , you file for divorce, you dont get angry at your wife and call her names and tell her she is pushing you simply because she asks a question ..

when your wife does something based on logic.. you don't insult her..and you especially do not tell her that you cant trust her when it is in fact you that cant be trusted.. its you that lived a lie, its you that lived a double life.. its you that betrayed....

I had to deal with 2 situations this week.. I did not contact him, he contacted me..i answered honestly, rationally, and with calm .. but I am met with name calling and insults..
i am so tired of the issues with the cabin that i feel like burning the damn place to the ground..

If H is in financial trouble thats his fault.. if he cant afford all that is on him now thats his fault.. but to be truthful, i dont really believe him, i dont believe a word that comes out of his mouth  and whos fault is that ? its his.. he cheated.. he lied.. he walked out the front door.. i am 3 years into this mess and its getting worse..

He keeps saying I act like I own him... that he's not my  property.. that I lord over him... that I think I'm his master..   Who talks like this?!?!…

 I know.. everyone says it gets worse before it ever starts to get better.. and that "normally " its around the 3-4 year mark that things can take a serious nosedive.. and that it is now more than ever that letting go, and detaching are more important than ever..that going NC when needed can make a huge difference..

i have done fairly well so far, i am doing my best to keep some line of communication open. i have stopped initating contact..and i have actually been busy living.. but the craziness continues..at times, to me he seems more and more like a child.. stomping his feet and saying he will not speak to our daughter or have anything to do with her until she apoligizes to him..and all i can do is shake my head.. why is telling me this?  what am i suppose to do? he tells me im a control freak and yet he comes across as if i am the one to fix this..

He simply wants everything his way.. he wants to live with this Tramp.. but also have full say in financial matters..he has gotten himself into this mess, but im suppose to tow the line and do as he says..and all i want to do is keep the peace..

this lastest blow up with him was just stupid.. and i held my own for the most part but then i just let him have it.. yea.. i poked the bear.. i poked him big time...then went on a rant... yes , i know.. im not suppose to do that.. but a person can only take so much.. so i unloaded..if he called me a name, i gave it right back to him.. i told him exactly how i felt..i told him i didnt believe him, that i didnt trust him, that i believed he has a plan and knows exactly what he is doing..He has brought chaos and drama where there should not be any..and i am standing here lovingly and patiently dealing with all of it.. If i bring up divorce he gets angry.. he shuts down and shuts me out..if he doesnt want me  then  he needs to get the F--- out of my life.. if he does want me then he needs to grow a pair and deal with me..

Believe it or not i am the most shy, reserved woman you will ever meet..i am a true southern belle..but i am so tired of this ... so i got in my car and drove away...i have no idea where i am going..i just want peace...i want calm...
« Last Edit: July 19, 2018, 10:54:26 AM by waiting4 »
Me-55
H - 55
Adult D- 35
Married 37 yrs. married 33 yrs at time of BD
date of BD  2015
OW- YES, 36 yr old with a 7yr old
H- moved out of our home in  2015 & moved in with OW
H- says doesnt want divorce, wants long term separation. doesnt know what the future holds.
 H- has introduced OW to his family and visits them often with OW.
 H- has introduced OW to a few of our friends.
 Entering 2018. H has not filed for divorce.
He is still living with OW
 If you're going through Hell, keep going

Offline xyzcf

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How does a person make any kind of logic from such illogical thinking?

You are very right not to trust him. He can do things that you would never ever think he would be capable of doing. Even after all the stories I have read, I was still shocked by things my husband did.

Quote
yes , i know.. im not suppose to do that.. but a person can only take so much.. so i unloaded.

It doesn't matter waiting...what we do, what we don't do...they are going to find a reason to "fight" us....often for the most minuscule thing.

The situation with your daughter, like so many of us as well...what the heck do our children have to do with their leaving and having an affair? They want our daughters to respect them for this? They not only destroy our hearts, but our daughters and sons as well.

That is when I can see...this is something very strange and disturbing...it is not normal to be like this....and that helps me to do whatever I have to do to protect myself from his actions.

If you really wish to drive a couple of days..I have a lovely room with a view waiting for you  :)

Please be safe.

Sometimes, they convince us that we are the ones that have "failed".

Two verses that I have been comforted by:

Exodus 14:13-14  " Do not be afraid, stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will accomplish for you today.....The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be still" and

Isaiah 30: 15 "By waiting and by calm you shall be saved, in quiet and trust, your strength lies."


« Last Edit: July 19, 2018, 11:14:01 AM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline Thunder

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Everything xyzcf said...twice over.

There is nothing wrong with getting it all out sometimes.  You're only human.
He is just being a jerky Monster.  I would have said my piece and hung up on him.  Turned my phone off.  Let him explode on the other end.  Maybe the ow will get the Monster for once.

You don't need to listen to him when he does this.   >:(

Just be safe, waiting.  Enjoy your alone time for as long as you need to.

{{Hugs}}
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline heroIam

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Everything xyzcf said...twice over.

There is nothing wrong with getting it all out sometimes.  You're only human.
He is just being a jerky Monster.  I would have said my piece and hung up on him.  Turned my phone off.  Let him explode on the other end.  Maybe the ow will get the Monster for once.

You don't need to listen to him when he does this.   >:(

Just be safe, waiting.  Enjoy your alone time for as long as you need to.

{{Hugs}}


Everything Thunder said.
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Online Rosetintedglasses

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If you really wish to drive a couple of days..I have a lovely room with a view waiting for you  :)

Please be safe.

I love this forum. Good on you xyzcf

Turn the music up while you drive waiting4 and stay safe
Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017 then EA
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline The lighthouse

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I'm with everyone else. 

You said your piece.  Now leave him to it.  He needs to learn that you won't deal with him when he is like that. 

Every time he monsters at you, end the call.  If he continues to monster, do not respond.  He'll soon learn that you're not willing to accept that behaviour and if he wants any contact with you, he will have to change the way he interacts with you.

Enjoy your time to yourself and stay safe.
M 1992
BD June 2011
Still with OW - No legal action

I am the lighthouse. I don't go out into the storm after the ship.  The ship finds me.

Offline UrsaMajor

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You said your piece.  Now leave him to it.  He needs to learn that you won't deal with him when he is like that. 

Every time he monsters at you, end the call.  If he continues to monster, do not respond.  He'll soon learn that you're not willing to accept that behaviour and if he wants any contact with you, he will have to change the way he interacts with you.

Enjoy your time to yourself and stay safe.

WORD!!!  But, be warned, it could take a while for them to learn this... it took xW1 about 5 YEARS of being hung-up on and finally a cease-and-desist order and only contact via post for her to get it....

As for trying to make some sort of logical sense out of the Mid-Lifer and their reactions?  You stand just as good a chance as trying to taste blue with your elbow...

I guess in some sense, if your D is staying at your place and your Mid-Lifer doesn't want to see or talk to her then your place is safe but I would NOT tell him that you are not there nor would I tell him anything about your plans or where you are or what you are doing...
Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Milly

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Waiting, sending you support. Sometimes, we just can't take it anymore and we need to flee, even if only for a day.

Your H is a difficult one. I do believe that the contact he had with you for a while was positive. The monster you got after that is part of the MLC deal. THe way you have been replying to him recently seems pretty good to me.

The 3/4 year stage for me was when he got much worse. I bet when I look back in the future, I'll say it's script, but when you're going through it, it's unbearable. Also because we're losing our patience.

Waiting, I trust that you will get your strength back and will have a new plan for you. Your H is still in replay just like mine. While they are in replay, nothing good will happen. It just seems worse because you're fed up now. But probably your H is just at this new stage, and it's all part of the MLC manual, as I call it.

Hope you're reading and feeling the love coming from everyone here.xxxx
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline Thunder

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Hi waiting.

Thinking about you today.  Hope your relaxing somewhere.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline waiting4Topic starter

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Re: H is moving forward with OW, But there is unfinished business with me 3
« Reply #58 on: August 13, 2018, 01:04:58 PM »

   Hello to all.. its been awhile since I have posted so I thought I would check in ..

  I took off in my car and just drove for awhile, I felt this overwhelming need to just run away.. 3 years of this crap and its truly getting to me. I ended up at the beach  with no plans, no where to stay and just sat on the beach looking out at the horizon. at some point I went to a restaurant to grab a bite and started talking to a woman there, turns out she knew of a place that was renting month to month . so I have been at the beach just trying to put some space between me and all the craziness..

My daughter is still dealing with back issues, and so far her tests  are all coming back negative which is good..

I came back to my house for a week to go with her for an MRI.. waiting on those results now..

I never told H that i left the area.. i actually used cash to keep my where abouts hidden.. while i was back dealing with my daughter i went to get my car washed and guess who was at the car wash? you guessed it.. H himself.. i couldnt believe it.. we looked at each other , he made no move to approach me and i made no move to approach him..i simply walked into the building without another glance at him.. he quickly got in his truck and left ..

within minutes of his leaving he starts texting me.. asking what was up, why was i there.. etc.. he never came out and actually said it but it was almost as if he thought i was following him..i told him i was just out running errands and needed to get my car washed and that i didnt want to approach him as i really didnt know what to say to him anymore. He replied that he couldn't contact me anymore because I always got the wrong impression, and that I would get upset and angry.. that he wasnt my enemy.. i replied.. whatever.. you're living with another woman..needless to say the texts didnt go well.. i ended the conversation with" Im really tired of all this ,Im getting on with my life and i havent contacted you in a while and im not going to..

so i bascially continued with "radio silence" ... staying busy.. dealing with our cabin, our marital home, our daughter and going back and forth to the beach..i've been  busy  ... i am getting alot done, im sleeping better, im actually putting on alittle weight..

Last week i all of a sudden start getting texts from H..just out of the blue he starts initiating contact with me ( after telling me he couldn't because I would get the wrong impression ???) totally bogus texts.. 2 were about bills that i knew all about so there was no reason for him to contact me.. i didnt reply to either of them..then i get a text in regards to our daughters birthday..he asked what she needed.. i replied to this one. " im sure whatever you choose to give her she will love and appreciate" that was it, i didnt say another word..then 2 days later he sends me another text telling me what he got her and that he sent it to her..i didnt respond ..i then get another text from him telling me that "its hard not hearing from you" (REALLY !!! he sends me a text like that and im not suppose to get my hopes up ?!?!)  that one pissed me off...i didnt leave him, i have bent over backwards trying to salvage our marriage.. i didnt reply to it.. i saw it as nothing more than bait..and i wasnt biting ...

so daughter calls me and tells me she got the gift from her dad, and asks if she should send him a text and say thank you.. i told her that she should thank him and how ever she wanted to convey that to him was up to her.. so she sends him a text.. and un effing believable.. he has blocked her..i can not tell you the range of emotions that she and i both felt.. disbelief , sadness, anger, hurt, humilation... you name it and we both felt it.

So i sent him a text.. i played dumb and asked him if he had recieved her text.. he said no.. and i asked if he had blocked her.. he said he wasnt sure, that he needed to check ( total effing lie,, he knew he had blocked her) he came back and said yes he had blocked her but had now unblocked her.. he then went on to say that he had blocked her months ago because she was out of control ( so i caught him in a lie and hes so effed up he didnt even realize it ) i just said.. whatever, at this point im sure you have blocked, changed etc. so many things .. he came back and said no, that nothing has been changed..he then proceeded to tell me about a doctors appointment , and what he was doing in regards to treatments etc.. and that he would keep me posted.. i didnt reply.. he then sends another text saying that things have been nice and peaceful between us  and that it needs to last longer and that he is not my enemy..I didnt reply to that either..

yesterday ( Sunday)  he initiates contact with me again via text.. " hope "daughter" had a nice birthday" then an hour later " I hope you are doing well" than at 10pm he sends " Good night (pet name) " i did not reply to any of them.

At this point i have no idea what to think.. he's at the 39 month mark with OW and i have backed off and no longer pursue him..

so that's where i am in all this craziness...as always your thoughts and opinions are welcome..I hope everyone is doing well.. i keep you all in my prayers...


Me-55
H - 55
Adult D- 35
Married 37 yrs. married 33 yrs at time of BD
date of BD  2015
OW- YES, 36 yr old with a 7yr old
H- moved out of our home in  2015 & moved in with OW
H- says doesnt want divorce, wants long term separation. doesnt know what the future holds.
 H- has introduced OW to his family and visits them often with OW.
 H- has introduced OW to a few of our friends.
 Entering 2018. H has not filed for divorce.
He is still living with OW
 If you're going through Hell, keep going

Offline Thunder

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Re: H is moving forward with OW, But there is unfinished business with me 3
« Reply #59 on: August 13, 2018, 01:32:20 PM »
Waiting, you were right to not reply to him.  I would not reply to ANY msg's he sends.  NONE!  No matter what he says.  No matter what questions he asks.
He needs to see you gone!

The minutes you replied to him he started it all over again, like nothing has changed.  Please don't do that to yourself.
Your D needs to reply if she wants to without your input.  I'm sorry.  I would stay out of it.

I'm so glad you are all right, I've been checking every day to see if you were ok.

A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline in it

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Re: H is moving forward with OW, But there is unfinished business with me 3
« Reply #60 on: August 13, 2018, 02:33:12 PM »
Hi Waiting..I haven't followed you story closely but with what I have read  this guy is totally cake eating and I agree with Thunder.
No more replies from you to his messages.
You teach them how to treat you.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: H is moving forward with OW, But there is unfinished business with me 3
« Reply #61 on: August 13, 2018, 02:40:31 PM »
Oh the mindf*ckery of it all. Amazing. But you did so great. Silence is golden. Took me a while to figure that one out and mine rarely monstered. Keep up the great work. My guess is all is not so perfect in “paradise” right about now.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Online Treasur

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Re: H is moving forward with OW, But there is unfinished business with me 3
« Reply #62 on: August 13, 2018, 02:46:58 PM »
Waiting - you ran away because you needed peace
Please trust that
Leave your D and H to figure out their own communication perhaps
And ignore him unless it is a life-threatening emergency. Give yourself a time out as your soul is telling you that you need maybe?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline heroIam

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Re: H is moving forward with OW, But there is unfinished business with me 3
« Reply #63 on: August 14, 2018, 06:50:01 AM »
Waiting, you were right to not reply to him.  I would not reply to ANY msg's he sends.  NONE!  No matter what he says.  No matter what questions he asks.
He needs to see you gone!

The minutes you replied to him he started it all over again, like nothing has changed.  Please don't do that to yourself.
Your D needs to reply if she wants to without your input.  I'm sorry.  I would stay out of it.

I'm so glad you are all right, I've been checking every day to see if you were ok.


Waiting,
Please hear what Thunder is saying.
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: H is moving forward with OW, But there is unfinished business with me 3
« Reply #64 on: August 14, 2018, 07:12:17 AM »


Black Hole Dark is the way to go ... for you own sanity.

Thunder and Treasur are spot-on
Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Treasur

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Re: H is moving forward with OW, But there is unfinished business with me 3
« Reply #65 on: August 14, 2018, 09:10:54 AM »
and i'm thrilled that you've found some healthy anger and a desire to stop playing the game that he so evidently wants to keep pulling you into
go you!
how are you doing, waiting?
and your daughter?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline The lighthouse

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Re: H is moving forward with OW, But there is unfinished business with me 3
« Reply #66 on: August 17, 2018, 03:55:11 PM »
and i'm thrilled that you've found some healthy anger and a desire to stop playing the game that he so evidently wants to keep pulling you into
go you!


I agree.  Once you reach this point it is a much healthier place to be in.  Take care waiting.
M 1992
BD June 2011
Still with OW - No legal action

I am the lighthouse. I don't go out into the storm after the ship.  The ship finds me.

Offline waiting4Topic starter

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Re: H is moving forward with OW, But there is unfinished business with me 3
« Reply #67 on: August 25, 2018, 08:28:26 AM »

   Hello All, checking in as its been awhile. I hope everyone is doing well …

  I continue to work on me, finding joy and happiness where I can. staying busy helps with the loneliness and I am grateful for so many things.. I have a good therapist , my family , a home and my health.

Life has been stressful with my daughter and her health issues. she had test after test and nothing could be found that would cause her severe back pain , it has been so hard to see her go through this. finally , we think it has been solved but only time will tell..
She recently under went an upper ednoscopy and the procdure did not go well as she aspirated and had to be transported by ambulance from the sergicial center to a hospital ER..As i stood there watching all these people surrounding my daughter and doing everything to help her, i have never felt so helpless in my life. everything seemed to be moving in slow motion . there was so much activity, getting oxygen into her ,taking blood, inserting IVs , needing chest xrays, antibotics..the thoughts just kept running through my head" how did something they said would be fine and routine turn into this?!?!"

She spent the week in the hospital and is now home with me. She is on an antibotic, a medication called pantoprazole , and nebulizer..Her doctor believes her back pain has been caused by the severe condition of her esophagus.... which he said he had never seen anything this bad in someone her age.. it bascially looks like an ice cream scooper has been repeatedly run down it with added ulcers..

She is scheduled for surgery in September and we hope in the end this will be healed ...

On the H front.. there is no real change..he has pulled even further away.. he has become a ghost to me..I did not notify him about our daughter being in the hospital as the last time he actually saw her was months ago and he called her every name in the book, blocked her on his phone, said he disowned her and would never speak to her again unless she apologized to him.. basically she is to turn her back on the morals and values he raised her with and accept what he is doing....i really did not know what to do in the situation, since he no longer talks to me either..i felt we needed to focus on her and keep things as calm as possible so i did not let him know..right or wrong .. i did what i thought was best under the circumstances..

Last night i had communication from him via text.. it started out about money, then as things heated up he did his usual and started talking about his health and his back pain.. i guess now his back pain is between his shoulders, pain radiating down his arm, neck pain , severe headache and diziness... he began to tell me how bad a week he had and i simply lost it...our daughter could have died and the last thing he thought and said to her was he disowned her, and hasnt spoken to her sense...,i was and still am beyond angry.he sits over there with that wh0r^  and then lets me know he is in pain..i feel dumped on by him.. im not good enough to come home to, but its ok to tell me he is in pain...where is his wh0r^?!?!  his life is with her now.. she is suppose to be all the comfort he wants and needs... I simply unloaded on him..and as usual he finds a way to lay it all on me..what an awful woman i am, i love to play the victim, im delusional , this is why he cant stand me.. he will never want to come home as long as i continue to do and say things that he cant stand.... everything about me is toxic to him ….well, i guess he is never coming home.. because it sounds like he wants a robot with no emotions .. and he wants to be looked at as a GOD, perfect in every way.. never spoken to in truth and honesty... so i guess thats what the OW gives him.. thats why he is with her.. is that a real relationship ? is that real love? when you do not speak your mind, or express your feelings  .. you never have complaints, you are never let down, you are never hurt by the man you are sharing your life with?   WOW.. OW is one amazing woman...and his life with her is then so perfect...

What is so awful and so telling is that after he was informed about our daughter he still has not contacted her .. not one word from him... nothing that happens to me or our daughter shakes him.. nothing moves him to try and make things right .. it as if he is no longer human.. no care, no concern no empathy no love ..just him and OW..

Im home with our daughter this weekend.. im going to hold her tight , tell her every minute how much i love her.. and thank God ...

 Have A Blessed Weekend 
Me-55
H - 55
Adult D- 35
Married 37 yrs. married 33 yrs at time of BD
date of BD  2015
OW- YES, 36 yr old with a 7yr old
H- moved out of our home in  2015 & moved in with OW
H- says doesnt want divorce, wants long term separation. doesnt know what the future holds.
 H- has introduced OW to his family and visits them often with OW.
 H- has introduced OW to a few of our friends.
 Entering 2018. H has not filed for divorce.
He is still living with OW
 If you're going through Hell, keep going

Offline Thunder

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Re: H is moving forward with OW, But there is unfinished business with me 3
« Reply #68 on: August 25, 2018, 09:01:24 AM »
I'm so sorry to hear about your d, how scary that must have been for you.

I pray the operation fixes things for her.  The poor thing.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline xyzcf

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Re: H is moving forward with OW, But there is unfinished business with me 3
« Reply #69 on: August 25, 2018, 09:46:20 AM »
Dear waiting, my heart aches for you. Your daughter's experience with an endoscopy, which as you say should be a "safe" procedure (I have had 2 and they have been fine) .....I will pray that she has a complete recovery and that her surgery goes well in Sept.

This is added stress for your already heavy load.

Contact with our husbands add even more to our body's already over taxed system.

But your husband, who continues to use such cruel words is even more difficult. Of course you want him to be concerned about your daughter...what the heck has she ever done to deserve him to write her off?

As we continue to see...what matters to most people, their families, is totally lost in them....they discard everything that is good and right and pure.....I still don't get it.

Trusting in our Lord's healing for you, your daughter and son in  law AND for our husbands...for their lives are really the ones in danger....

Thanks for letting us know how things are.....you know we are here for you and our prayers are with yours.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline heroIam

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Re: H is moving forward with OW, But there is unfinished business with me 3
« Reply #70 on: August 25, 2018, 06:05:58 PM »
Hi waiting.
Thinking of you and sending prayers to your D.
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline waiting4Topic starter

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Re: H is moving forward with OW, But there is unfinished business with me 3
« Reply #71 on: August 26, 2018, 06:20:53 AM »

     Thank you all, your thoughts and prayers are much appreciated..

     Daughter is resting well here at home with me, seems to be tolerating the medications they put her on.

     I am still at a loss with H, I know I shouldn't be, I know I should be long past any expectations in regards to him and anything he does or doesn't do..he came back  and said he wasn't angry about not being told , he just didn't understand all the secrecy about it  :o  ::)… there was no secrecy.. he has no real contact with me, he will not answer his phone if I call, he has had daughter blocked on his phone for months, and said he disowned her and would never speak to her again unless she apologized to him ( but blocks her on his phone  ???  so how would she apologize to him if she cant reach him?!  :o)

It just continues to be one insane moment after another..even when im off doing my own thing , minding my own business..taking care of our family … it still comes back that I am the problem..after 3 years he continues to find a reason to why he cant come home, or see me or see our daughter.. but then says he doesn't understand why he wasn't kept in the loop...

I know his world has to be crashing down around him.. OW has bought a huge house and I know he is now paying more towards expenses..his commute to and from work is longer now, the issues with his back are getting worse, he is demanding I sell our home and cabin now.. he says he simply can not afford to support my life and again he wants me to sell without legal representation.. when I push back he calls me a F^*^*^g LAZY A$$ B!#$h...  he's at the 40 month mark with her now, maybe its just me but he doesn't sound like a happy man...through it all I am doing my best to keep my composure.. I never use profanity with him ( even though I want to ) i continue to pray for him. i continue to take it all one day at a time..

Me-55
H - 55
Adult D- 35
Married 37 yrs. married 33 yrs at time of BD
date of BD  2015
OW- YES, 36 yr old with a 7yr old
H- moved out of our home in  2015 & moved in with OW
H- says doesnt want divorce, wants long term separation. doesnt know what the future holds.
 H- has introduced OW to his family and visits them often with OW.
 H- has introduced OW to a few of our friends.
 Entering 2018. H has not filed for divorce.
He is still living with OW
 If you're going through Hell, keep going

Offline Thunder

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Re: H is moving forward with OW, But there is unfinished business with me 3
« Reply #72 on: August 26, 2018, 06:33:39 AM »
Nice try H.  Nope, there WILL be legal representation.

Not your circus, Waiting.  Just stick to your guns, he can not force you to do anything, unless your are protected by a lawyer.  Let him Monster, he'll get over it.

I'm glad your D is resting comfortably.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: H is moving forward with OW, But there is unfinished business with me 3
« Reply #73 on: August 26, 2018, 11:08:20 AM »
No he does not sound like a happy person at all. And all that blaming and finger pointing is pure projection.

Hoping your sweet D is better soon. The fact that these idiots can completely turn their backs on their own children, although textbook, still utterly astounds me.

Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline waiting4Topic starter

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Re: H is moving forward with OW, But there is unfinished business with me 3
« Reply #74 on: September 06, 2018, 07:38:53 AM »
 
  I have been catching up on some of the threads and reading articles that are being posted.. I have been dealing with some depression lately and doing all I can to fight it. I am simply worn out from all this.

 It is hard to keep going when everyone around me feels I am being used and taken advantage of by my H, no one really believes what is happening.. to them they simply see my H as being fed up with being married to me and went out and found someone else and I am the one that cant accept that my marriage is over..

I wish it were that simple..that he just stopped loving me and met someone else and filed for divorce.. I would give anything for closure in this..
 
It is depressing and upsetting to read that some of the spouses go on like this for 10 years or more..and the back and forth of what this truly is can be overwhelming ..

My situation is getting worse, I am facing the 3 year anniversay of H walking out the front door  and moving in the OW ( Oct 2015) After he moved in with her he stayed in contact with me , calling me on the phone, texting, seeing me several times a week, telling me he loved me, that he missed me , wanting to be intimate with me, taking me on business trips with him etc..all the while keeping his contact with me secret from OW.. this went on until Dec 2016 when i finally said that it was wrong and neither she nor I should be treated this way.. in 2017 i learned that he went to a fertility clinic with her and after confronting him about it he stopped seeing me.. thats when i decided to go through with a divorce.. He became verbally abusive and threatening , telling me he would fight me all the way to hell over a divorce and there would be no money left for me to survive on.. my divorce petition is on hold within the court system as I try believe that H will come out of this and come home..he is blaming me for everything. and he keeps saying i would be  divorcing him to be vindictive.. so fast forward to today Sept 2017.. we now have no contact what so ever.. OW is openly posting photos of them together , She has been introduced to everyone he works with and attends all his company events/ parties/ charities.. and promotes his company on her FB business page..they now live in a huge house and he openly attends things that are related to her real estate business..

and still there is no divorce ... they are truly living as if i do  not exist and to say that it is devastating to me to be treated this way is an understatment..

i do know that H is feeling the financial strain and that  something has got to give soon..he simply can  not continue to live with her and support me at the same time..although divorce will not ease anything financially, he will lose half our assets or more  and he will pay alimony..

My therapist feels his rock bottom will be financial.. she feels he has a great many issues going on all at once.. health issues, MLC, an addictive personality, OCD, sex / love addiction, alcohol addiction and he still thinks everything he is doing is justified and that he does not need any help..he has to hit rock bottom in order to look up and see what he has done to himself, then and only then will he decide to start fixing his life and hopefully come home.. and while his life is falling apart and the financial strain is overwhelming  OW is going about life as if this is all normal...

I am doing the best i can to stay sane in all this.. therapy weekly, church, getting out with friends, family, support group for betrayed spouses..but at the end of the day its been 3 years since he left me and even though i see that there is something very seriously  wrong with him and how he is behaving , i continue to stand for my marriage.. even though he and OW are living as if I no longer even exist..
Me-55
H - 55
Adult D- 35
Married 37 yrs. married 33 yrs at time of BD
date of BD  2015
OW- YES, 36 yr old with a 7yr old
H- moved out of our home in  2015 & moved in with OW
H- says doesnt want divorce, wants long term separation. doesnt know what the future holds.
 H- has introduced OW to his family and visits them often with OW.
 H- has introduced OW to a few of our friends.
 Entering 2018. H has not filed for divorce.
He is still living with OW
 If you're going through Hell, keep going

Offline xyzcf

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Re: H is moving forward with OW, But there is unfinished business with me 3
« Reply #75 on: September 06, 2018, 10:51:23 AM »
waiting4:
Quote
I am doing the best i can to stay sane in all this.. therapy weekly, church, getting out with friends, family, support group for betrayed spouses..but at the end of the day its been 3 years since he left me and even though i see that there is something very seriously  wrong with him and how he is behaving , i continue to stand for my marriage.. even though he and OW are living as if I no longer even exist..

Each of us do the best we can. It is a deep wound though, and difficult to get away from the memories, the thoughts, the yearnings and desires for what we thought was our life...now, not our life anymore. And we are thrust into a life that we did not want, did not choose and although we have control over our lives, we cannot get back the family that we have lost...and that will always be difficult for me.

I do believe there is something really wrong with people who change so abruptly and discard everything that was once dear to them. Their behavior isn't "normal" although it is more acceptable in our society to "grow tired of your spouse and find another".....because I have not experienced the desire for another person, while married to my husband, I haven't a clue what that feels like or what I would give up to gain some need that is so strong in me that I must have it.

We are a product of our beliefs and values and for me, standing is the only possible way to live my life. I have examined this and tried to talk my way out of it  :) but I cannot...and thus I accept now that this life, which seems lacking in some ways, is also filled with many good things.

I look around and really see so many others who have something major going on in their lives, illness, the death of a child, tragedys and I do ask and wonder why Lord? And then I go around again and see that God has a plan..I have no idea what God's plan is for me or my family but I trust that He, who created everything is quite aware of why this has happened.

I may never know why.....and I still think about my husband several times a day and at night but I know, I really know I did not cause his crisis and I cannot resolve it for him.

I am not even sure that hitting "rock bottom" will change anything and it doesn't seem that life has thrown any curve balls his way..he just keeps having success, his definition of success.

And I have my integrity and the ability to say no to society's view that he left me so I have the right to have another..I deserve someone "better", I need not be alone......but in my heart, I know that is not God's plan for me.

It is a long and lonely and hard road....but.....as I learn to live more in the moment, and less worried about the future, I at least find peace and contentment and even sometimes joy.

You are doing everything you can...you are terribly hurt, deeply wounded by his betrayal, abandonment and rejection...we all are..our beloved spouses who treated us this way.

Keeping them and all of us in my prayers.
« Last Edit: September 06, 2018, 10:53:43 AM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline Thunder

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Re: H is moving forward with OW, But there is unfinished business with me 3
« Reply #76 on: September 06, 2018, 11:21:54 AM »
xyzcf,

Everything you said is so true.  Each of us has to do the best we can.

The H's we knew, the family we had will never be the same after this.  It can't be, everything was turned upside down, we all change and we are no longer the same person either.

"we cannot get back the family that we have lost...and that will always be difficult for me."
This is difficult for many people, xyz.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: H is moving forward with OW, But there is unfinished business with me 3
« Reply #77 on: September 06, 2018, 11:36:22 AM »
But you do exist Waiting. And your H knows that too. That’s why he avoids you at all costs now.

This is someboretty painful stuff and you’re doing all you can honestly. It is an amazing feat really considering the amount of trauma you’ve endured. So although you are feeling depressed, know that it will pass and you will feel better. The pain of all this is how we are able to grow and evolve. And we have to feel it unfortunately. Only way out is through. You are so strong. And I know the loneliness is a killer, as is the feeling of being “forgotten.” But, you are not forgotten. I’m sure he thinks of you every day. Stay strong friend. Hugs.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline waiting4Topic starter

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Re: H is moving forward with OW, But there is unfinished business with me 3
« Reply #78 on: September 28, 2018, 11:26:01 AM »
 
   Here I am 3.5 years into a situation I never in a million years thought I would find myself. I have always thought of myself as a strong, intelligent, independent woman.. that no matter what happened in my life I would have the inner strength and self confidence to get through it..

what I have found is that none of us are ever prepared for what life throws at us..we all walk around very sure of our selves and what we would do if this or that happened.. but in reality we are never prepared..

Advice to others is always easily given.. we say to ourselves we will do x y or z, but its always easier said than done.

I was happy being a wife and mom. I was happy in the life we had.. I didn't lose myself . I didn't sacrifice myself to please others ...I didn't have dreams that went unfullfilled.

 3.5 years later I have so many people say " you should be over this by now" you should have divorced his a$$ and moved on" or the two that really hurt me the most " you must love playing the role of victim " " you clearly have no self worth".....

I guess it is hard to imagine that i still love my husband.. with all that he has done.. all that he has said to me.. i do not view myself as a woman with low self esteem .. my continuing  to love a man that after 37 years now treats me with such disrespect does not mean i have low self esteem..
and loving my husband , and caring about him and doing all i can to try and help him in no way means i am co dependent...

I have done all i can to get through this.. and at the end of the day i still love him, i still want to salvage
something of our marriage.. but he is deep in the middle of what ever he is going through..

 I look at all that has happened over these few years and it is clear that i am a strong, confident woman.. i have faced the discovery of my husbands betrayal , breast cancer and the dismantaling of my marriage, my family , my life...and i am still standing here..

I have been knocked down but each time i have stood back up..

i still have my moments.. i still cry.. i still miss my husband.. i still question all this.. i know it will never be explained to me in a way that will make perfect sense...

I do not initiate contact with my husband anymore but i live my life as his wife.. i am faithful, i take care of the home we shared...i pray for him daily..

His wrongs are his wrongs, they are not mine...i am responsible for me and how i handle myself in a very bad situation...i have made some mistakes .. there are things i wish i had not said, things i wish i had not done.. but i did not disgrace myself.. i did not dishonor my husband.. no matter his behaviour .. two wrongs do not make a right...

I continue on in this journey.. living my life with grace and dignity as a married woman..i am the author of my life...


Me-55
H - 55
Adult D- 35
Married 37 yrs. married 33 yrs at time of BD
date of BD  2015
OW- YES, 36 yr old with a 7yr old
H- moved out of our home in  2015 & moved in with OW
H- says doesnt want divorce, wants long term separation. doesnt know what the future holds.
 H- has introduced OW to his family and visits them often with OW.
 H- has introduced OW to a few of our friends.
 Entering 2018. H has not filed for divorce.
He is still living with OW
 If you're going through Hell, keep going

Offline Sam I Am

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Re: H is moving forward with OW, But there is unfinished business with me 3
« Reply #79 on: September 28, 2018, 12:06:02 PM »
nicely said! 

I think you articulated what many LBS feel!   Thank you!
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Online Rosetintedglasses

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Re: H is moving forward with OW, But there is unfinished business with me 3
« Reply #80 on: October 25, 2018, 09:43:50 AM »
Waiting4

Hope things are going good for you and your daughter!

Was thinking about you as in your signature you mention us going into 2018 and almost all of a sudden we are at the other end of it. (Well sometimes if feels like all of a sudden, other times not so much!!)

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017 then EA
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline waiting4Topic starter

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Re: H is moving forward with OW, But there is unfinished business with me 3
« Reply #81 on: August 13, 2019, 02:51:24 PM »
 Hello All.. its been a long time since I have posted.. almost a year, I believe my last post was in Sept. 2018..

I stopped posting as there was really nothing new to say.. Since my last post there has continued to be many ups and downs but by the grace of God I am still standing

In Oct 2018 my H starting contacting both me and our daughter, and he was doing it in such a way I thought a true change was coming.. there were a few back and forth moments but overall things were improving.. Oct 2018 put us firmly at the 3 year mark for when he walked out the door and moved in with OW..so as you can imagine I truly thought this was the start of a true turn around..His texts were kinder, and affectionate to not just me but to our daughter as well.. he was even going above and beyond with meaningful emojis etc..he also for the first time in years began regular phone calls to me that went well each time..

In March of this year 6 months into positive communication he asked for us to meet at our cabin.. I agreed and everything went well.. he actually talked to me and said he was thinking about coming home, but just had to go through a process and get there on his own.. positive communication continued  ( there were a few times where things got tense but I didn't think they were overly serious) His weekly phone calls to continued. the loving emojis continued.. He asked me to meet him for lunch at the end of May, I did and he told me again that he was thinking about coming home, he wanted to know how I felt about moving back to our home town ETC... the lunch went well, we continued good communication..Then On June 4 2019 he asked to take me to lunch.. I agreed..

Back drop : He was having more and more health issues during this time frame.. he was facing a major surgery..

I met him for lunch, I could tell when he arrived that he was not himself.. he was really down, in a lot of pain due to health issues and surgery was now scheduled for June 18th.. he said he has never thought about divorcing me.. that he had a lot of respect for me in how I was not getting involved with another man..and again he said he was thinking about coming home..

NOTE: I arrived first to the restaurant and parked in the back and came in through the back entrance, He parked in a parking garage a block away and came in about 20 minutes later through the front entrance..

After a little over  an hour the lunch eneded and he left through the front and I left through the back..

about 2 hours later I get a text from him say " I am packing my things and moving out today"... I was stunned to say the least

after a few short texts he was in our home for the first time in over 2 years by 7 pm that evening.. It was surreal ..

we had dinner, I didn't ask too many questions.. he opened up and said ( now this was his story)…
That while we were having lunch OW drove by the restaurant.. she was in the area to get her nails done and was early so she decided to walk around..she ended up walking by the restaurant and just happened to look through a window and saw him, she then walked inside and saw me sitting with him, she turned around and left , and somehow ended up back at her house where she proceeded to break into his laptop and she read emails that we had been sending to each other.. she confronted him and she told him to leave.

He said he didn't fight with her, he simply gathered a few things and decided to come home..I did not believe a word he was saying.. first off the windows at the restaurant are tinted and I know for a fact that you can not see in from the sidewalk, and I was facing the open area where she woild have to of stood in order to even see me..

I didn't confront him.. I just listened.. He said he would be going back to her place on Saturday to pack up all his things .. I again didn't say anything I just listened..

On Friday he walks through our front door and says we need to talk.. I knew what was coming.. I sat calmly and listened.. I did not cry, I did not fall apart..

He said he had talked to her and she wanted him to come back.. He said he missed her more than he thought he would and he did love her, that he didn't have any bad thoughts about her.. he said I know you will never understand but I do love you both and I don't know what to do..I told him I knew this was hard for him and I told him I would go upstairs and pack his things for him and bring them down.. he became very agitated and said, I just want you to talk to me.. this talk will determine what I do.. so I sat and listened. I answered his questions and he then walked out to our porch to sit alone and think..

after about an hour I went out and told him that I knew this was hard for him and that I would go up and get his things.. he grabbed my arms and told me no, that he was staying..he called OW and told her.. He then called our daughter and told her that he was home ..

Saturday morning he woke up with a change of heart..he said leaving her is very hard..he left to go to her house and pack his things.. he stayed much longer than he said he would.. when he came home we talked for hours..

Sunday morning he got up, we talk again.. he left to go back to her house.. he hugged me.. he said I love you.. if I come back it will be for good.. and if I stay with her I know I will have to divorce you.. he drove away and I have not seen him since...

On June 18th he had his surgery.. I was not allowed to be there. our daughter was there in my place. H and I are still legally married so therefore I have final say if something happened to him.. OW was walking around the hospital telling everyone that would listen to her that she was his DOMESTIC PARTNER.. ( our daughter just looked at her at first as if she were insane but then became very angry ) at one point our daughter said she had had enough and she just spoke her peace with OW.. daughter did this in private

after H was brought into his room and daughter left for the evening, OW told him what daughter said..( she couldn't wait til he was dismissed from the hospital.. she just had to tell him hours after major surgery)

H is furious with daughter and is now not speaking to her.. He has now placed daughter on list that she is not allowed at hospital in the future..i am also not allowed so OW is now in charge..

a week after his surgery and he is back in OW home.. he is rushed to ER in the middle of the night.. heavy/ crushing chest pain, cant breath, heart rate 230, dizzy , fainted.. he is admitted and they say he may have AVNRT...they send  him home..

2 weeks later he is rushed back to ER with exact same symptoms..he is then scheduled for a nuclear stress test.. I have no idea the outcome of it..

He is no longer speaking to me and has told me to leave him alone.. at this point I have..

I have gone through a breakdown of my own and spent some time in the hospital as this entire situation is taking its toll on my health.. I have since changed my phone number and make no effort to contact him.

whatever happened to cause him to reach out to me and our daughter  for almost 6 months and then to suddenly come home has now faded.. I have no idea what to call what he did.. ( false start ??) he is back with OW and he has gone back to having nothing to do with us, verbal abuse, etc...our daughters birthday was this past weekend and he  made no attempt to contact her.. in fact he spent all weekend with OW at a family event.. ( our daughter discovered this )

so I am back to trying to pick up the pieces of my life again.. where I was getting better and having peace and some happiness in my life was just hit hard by his coming home and then leaving as he did..

that has been my life for the past year.. I hope everyone is doing ok.. and I will check in on some threads and catch up...

I pray for my H and OW each day,,

Blessings … Waiting..




« Last Edit: August 13, 2019, 03:09:15 PM by waiting4 »
Me-55
H - 55
Adult D- 35
Married 37 yrs. married 33 yrs at time of BD
date of BD  2015
OW- YES, 36 yr old with a 7yr old
H- moved out of our home in  2015 & moved in with OW
H- says doesnt want divorce, wants long term separation. doesnt know what the future holds.
 H- has introduced OW to his family and visits them often with OW.
 H- has introduced OW to a few of our friends.
 Entering 2018. H has not filed for divorce.
He is still living with OW
 If you're going through Hell, keep going

Offline xyzcf

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Re: H is moving forward with OW, But there is unfinished business with me 3
« Reply #82 on: August 13, 2019, 03:16:26 PM »
You have been on my mind. I am sorry to hear these things.

As I read them, my thoughts are this:

There is nothing normal about his behavior. But that is true in many cases of MLC. Although able to function at work and in life in general, they do not have the capacity to express themselves very well if at all......and often, as in your case, they disappear again or treat us with even more monster than before.

I don't know why, but I have seen it several times.

And it breaks us, once again..it breaks us. Because as "normal" people, we believe the words and actions that are said to us...this is after all someone that we loved deeply for decades...why would we not believe them?

His anger at his daughter is another sign to me that he's not acting in a "normal" manner....

So..whatever it takes for you to become healthy and whole again.....that and your relationship with your daughter is the most important thing. Their "crisis" has taken them into a dark and unhealthy world..prayers for you and your daughter.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline Milly

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Re: H is moving forward with OW, But there is unfinished business with me 3
« Reply #83 on: August 13, 2019, 03:27:25 PM »
Oh, Waiting, I'm so sorry for this terrible experience with your H. I'm sure your hopes were raised, and your Ds, too, how could they not? You behaved so gracefully. I just think that your H is not fully cooked. I do believe deep in him he knows he loves you and wants his family back, but this crisis is like Morpheme and even though they know they want to wake up and have their family back, the drug is so strong that they are pulled back into it. I think your H will probably try to come back again, maybe he'll be stronger next time. Right now, he's not quite ready or fixed. He still has some issues to resolve.

I bet you knew that this might happen since you have been here a while. I'm sorry for your D if she had expectations, too. I would take it as a move in the right direction, but then he got scared, OW pull was still quite strong and he has no strength yet.

I feel that you had a reconnection. They do tell us that reconnection doesn't necessarily lead to reconciliation, but if you are still hopeful, I do not take it as a complete negative. My view is that his behaviour for those 6 months is how he feels deep down. He needs to work through some of the issues with himself so he is stronger when facing OW next time.

I wouldn't be surprised if you completely ignore him for a while. Might do him some good to feel the consequences. I do hope you manage to get over this new BD.  It's always very interesting for us who have no communication with our spouses, to hear about your situation. Big hugs to you and thank you for updating us.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline waiting4Topic starter

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Re: H is moving forward with OW, But there is unfinished business with me 3
« Reply #84 on: August 13, 2019, 04:07:16 PM »
   Thank you so much for your kind and supportive words..

 XY, i have been thinking about you as well, I talk to a few people on the forum and try to keep up with everyone.. I just felt that I didn't have anything new to add to my situation for awhile..

Milly, if anything I say can help another stander then I will feel all I have been through has not been in vain..
I agree that H is not fully cooked as we say.. he just isnt there yet.. maybe someday..
it was hard to hear  him actually say that he loves her.. it was even harder to him say that she still wants a baby..

I do not believe his story of what caused him to come home.. I think she was putting pressure on him to divorce me  and he doesn't want to do it.. so she threw him out and to her surprise he didn't beg her he simply came home.. so I was unfortunately put in the middle of their drama and I and our daughter were the ones that were deeply and honestly hurt..

he has gone completely silent now.. but he still has not filed for divorce...

The last communication I had with him he told me I did not need to worry about her getting pregnant, that it would not happen.. and he also let me know ( and I have no idea why he told me this ) she is renting out the entire basement of that house to a married couple.. I don't know what he shared that with me..

our daughter said she looks very stressed, and looks frumpy..

H still has mail coming here to our home.. and he is still paying  all the bills.
Me-55
H - 55
Adult D- 35
Married 37 yrs. married 33 yrs at time of BD
date of BD  2015
OW- YES, 36 yr old with a 7yr old
H- moved out of our home in  2015 & moved in with OW
H- says doesnt want divorce, wants long term separation. doesnt know what the future holds.
 H- has introduced OW to his family and visits them often with OW.
 H- has introduced OW to a few of our friends.
 Entering 2018. H has not filed for divorce.
He is still living with OW
 If you're going through Hell, keep going

Offline Thunder

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Re: H is moving forward with OW, But there is unfinished business with me 3
« Reply #85 on: August 13, 2019, 05:42:02 PM »
Oh gosh my dear Waiting, I have thought of you so often and hoped for an update.

I guess you had a long Touch and Go.  They happen.

I would say your H is still being controlled, and probably blackmailed by his ow.  Not much you can do about that until he gets up the courage to stand up to her or to take the leap.

In his nanosecond brain he knows where he belongs and where he wants to be, but he still is fighting demons. Turn the oven up!

Hugs to you, fellow brave warrior and thank you for the update.
You are handling this so well.

Are you still working, Waiting?
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online Treasur

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Re: H is moving forward with OW, But there is unfinished business with me 3
« Reply #86 on: August 13, 2019, 11:39:30 PM »
First of all, I am so sorry for the pain and frustration and disappointment that both you and your daughter suffered. Truly. It must have been a very hard time and awful to be 'shut out' when he was seriously ill.

Yes it sounds like a long touch and go. Yes it seems sadly that this is not uncommon. Yes it sounds as if a lot of his behaviour was in reaction to what was going on in his relationship with ow. Yes MLCers make decisions based on emotions, they react rather then plan. Yes his emotions about you and coming home were how he felt at the time...until he didn't. Whatever dragons he is chasing or demons chasing him, it will all need to play out bc this is his path and his demons.

You did your best, waiting. So did your daughter. I hope you both know that.

I'm about at the same timeline I think and one of the things that bothers me is feeling that anyone needs to justify their love for a spouse of many years. You didn't need to justify it before your h fell over a cliff. You don't now. And there is a school of thought that, even though we say repeatedly it is THEIR crisis, encourages LBS to unpick their marriage and assumes that there must be something wrong in the LBS either to have picked this person in the first place or choose to stand or love them. That may be a conclusion that some LBS reach for themselves. But most long marriages here were good normal healthy marriages...until half of the team went into a crisis. Normal interdependency, care and respect is not the same as denial or codependency. And none of us should gaslight ourselves imho.

The key as you say seems to be in a way whose story it is. Whether the LBS is inadvertently a guest player in the ow/spouse drama. I hope there is a time when the story becomes about you, your spouse and your daughter again with ow as a character in an old episode. Until then, as you say so wisely, all you can do is limit your involvement with their drama and get back to your own life. And I hope that, whatever happens, you can take comfort in the fact that you gave him a chance and gave repair a chance. And that his relationship with ow is, as they often seem to be, far from normal or healthy.

There is another thread talking about why people might not come back and post about reconnection. Thank you for having the courage to share the truth of what happened. I am sure it will help other people. Looking back now, what were the signs for you that something was different other than his words? And what were the signs that it was not different enough for him to sustain it?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Nas

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Re: H is moving forward with OW, But there is unfinished business with me 3
« Reply #87 on: August 13, 2019, 11:53:39 PM »
I’m sorry to read what you and your daughter have gone through. The fact that he is not speaking to his own daughter simply because she spoke her truth speaks volumes as to his state of mind.

I can’t imagine how frustrating it must be. I will be honest and say I don’t think I’ll ever fully understand these dysfunctional OW relationships and I don’t think I ever will.

Wishing you and your daughter healing. This must be so tough on her as well, and very confusing.
Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

Online Treasur

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Re: H is moving forward with OW, But there is unfinished business with me 3
« Reply #88 on: August 14, 2019, 04:37:59 AM »
You might find this link to a fellow poster helpful, waiting, as she experienced something quite similar https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=2882.msg340370#msg340370
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline 1trouble

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Re: H is moving forward with OW, But there is unfinished business with me 3
« Reply #89 on: August 14, 2019, 04:50:53 AM »
Standing
I am sorry to read your update but what I will tell you is, what happened to you is a pattern of behaviour that plays  out in many stories, including my own.

Busybee, who had her own MLC , believes there is a critical period around the 2-3 year mark where some will come out of crisis and some look like they are, only to go deeper into it.
I have to say it was absolutely true in my case and it looks like it applies to you.
And its  why I keep saying on this site that you will only know IF someone is reconnecting when you look back and the crisis is over AND its why I would also counsel everyone not to see the articles on here and elsewhere as gospel, because they can be unintentionally misleading and were written long ago when there was not as much information about MLC and not many detailed stories. 

There still isn’t much information about the latter part of the crisis because  due to what a MLC’er does and the hurt caused , the relationship between the spouses is irretrievably broken down  in many many cases AND MLC’ers distance themselves in the latter part of the crisis so we don’t see the things we saw in the beginning..
However there is another part of the MLC script and thats the ‘type’ of OW the MLC’er will chose and in many stories it is someone who at best is very insecure and controlling and at worse has some sort of personality disorder.
There are reasons for this,  these OW are very addictive to someone in crisis, at first they love bomb our spouses and give them a huge boost and to someone going into crisis this bolsters they crumbling sense of self-worth and ego and makes them ‘feel’ something when most of the time they are utterly numb and devoid of any sort of feeling.  This is like a life jacket to a drowning man and sets the seed for the addictive nature of the relationship going forward.
As time goes on they (the MLC’er ) do get periods of clarity which probably led to your H saying he wanted to come home, but clearly the addiction was too strong and he was too weak at that point and as you stated in your post you could tell it in his eyes and demeanour that he had changed, I really can relate to that too.

It is a total brain fnck and you have my deepest sympathy because I totally empathise with your pain, I too have been there.
For now you are clearly fragile and I think you need to do whatever you can to get yourself stronger and protect yourself.
You need to see this as someone who is addicted, there is nothing you can do to help your H atm, he is in the eye of the storm and has given in to the OW and the addictive nature of this sick relationship and this will go on for some time.
Know though this isn’t the real person you knew and loved, yes sometimes you get glimpses of that man, but TBH, what I have found is when you want so much to “see” that person again you overlook the subtleties and signs which were there that showed you it wasn’t really him.

Small things like the confusion, contradiction, the lack of empathy, the talk about himself and not really showing any real interest in anyone else, (yes they may ask questions but are they really listening and empathising with what you are saying?). These are all the things I can see when I look back to the  contact I had with my MLC’er in November 2017 – Jan 2018, before he disappeard and fully committed to the OW.

I know its also hard when you can see that person is physically unwell, again I have had to deal with this in my story, my  MLC’er  has had a stroke, concussion that meant he lost his ability to talk for a week, a couple of operations on bladder and prostate, a busted knee, eye infections which closed his eye completely and latterly a broken wrist and back injury, nearly all of these things he either worked through or went straight back to work as soon as he could.

Also there was a period (I don’t know if its still the case), where he was at the hospital every month or so thinking he was having a heart attack (I think these were severe panic attacks as to my knowledge) they never found anything wrong and even one point said there was absolutely nothing wrong with his heart but there were problems with his liver as he was drinking obsessively at the time.

I use to worry about him, now I realise it will do nothing to stop him, as I said before its like someone with an addiction, they can get very destructive and nothing can stop someone when in the throws of it, to try is futile, to worry,  just makes you ill. All you can do is remove yourself from it and get strong,  for yourself, but also if you want to be there for when he needs you, you need to be strong enough to deal with it. 

You see its clear he feels nothing still, he has points of rational thinking and remembers loving you but he really doesn’t feel it so he still needs the drama from the OW to make him ‘feel’ without that he doesn’t feel anything or know who he is anymore, that’s why he went back.

What I do for MLC’er  is say a little prayer for him each night and I put all my energy and effort into making my life the kind of life I want to live,  it took a long time to get there and a lot of hurt and stress along the way but I got there and so will you, you just cannot make his crisis your crisis.

You cant get in the way of him and the OW because you are a fully functioning human being with emotion, feelings, love empathy etc.  Your H has lost connection to all of these things and the OW doesn’t possess them, that’s why they are together, they are two empty needy people needing the drama and the breakups and the jealousy to feel anything.
I don’t contact my MLC’er, I leave it up to him to call me and he knows he can and does, though it is very sporadic now. In between time I make every day count, I set myself tasks for each day and goals for the future because my life counts and so does yours.

My MLC’er contacted me three weeks ago (after 3 months) and said he was coming home (yet again) he said he knew he has made a mistake, he said he went after some fantasy thinking he could do better, when in reality he had the best and the OW was not fit to lick my boots…(I documented all our conversations on my thread as I have always done) he still went back the following day BTW and I haven’t heard from him since.
But it no longer bothers me that much really because it becomes same $hite different day.

As I told him last time, I have lots of plans and I enjoy my life and his life and unhappiness is for him to sort out, I cant sort it out for him.  He is getting there but this will take a huge amount of time and so I live my life.
Am I standing? I don’t define myself by these terms, I am getting on with my life and I make plans and I do stuff and I know I don’t want another man, as I am still in love with my MLC’er but as I also said a few weeks back, I am starting to pity him a little and that may be a game changer if this goes on, but I will know if it is, when it is, so I don’t think about it much.
So to summarise, what your H has done is script, as far as I am concerned, I know its not in any articles anywhere and I wish it was, I wish the articles about ‘signs’ of touch and goes vs reconnection  were burnt because it would stop a lot of people getting hurt and holding onto the most miniscule thing being a ‘sign’.

MLC’ers cycle and sometimes those cycles can go on for months,( that’s something else which is buried in stories by not really mentioned in any detail anywhere).  So everyone expects cycles to be short and anything which goes on any length of time to be a reconnection attempt…..no its not sadly.

I do believe my MLC’er will come out of this, when that will be is anyone’s guess, he could go on like this for years, but as I said I don’t think about that I think about what I am doing today, that’s the only thing I have some sort of control over and if this MLC stuff has taught me anything its not to bother thinking or worrying about the future because you really don’t know what could happen, good or bad, so just enjoy each day.
Take care xx
"I can't go back to yesterday I was a different person then"..............Alice in Wonderland

you NEVER know how strong you are, until being strong is the ONLY choice you have"

Offline heroIam

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Re: H is moving forward with OW, But there is unfinished business with me 3
« Reply #90 on: August 15, 2019, 06:49:53 AM »
waiting4,
It's so good to see your post.  I've thought of you so often.
You are doing everything you can to keep yourself sane and healthy.

I agree with 1t below:

It is a total brain fnck and you have my deepest sympathy because I totally empathise with your pain, I too have been there.
For now you are clearly fragile and I think you need to do whatever you can to get yourself stronger and protect yourself.
You need to see this as someone who is addicted, there is nothing you can do to help your H atm, he is in the eye of the storm and has given in to the OW and the addictive nature of this sick relationship and this will go on for some time.
Know though this isn’t the real person you knew and loved, yes sometimes you get glimpses of that man, but TBH, what I have found is when you want so much to “see” that person again you overlook the subtleties and signs which were there that showed you it wasn’t really him.


Here for you my friend.  You know how to reach me. 
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline Acorn

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Re: H is moving forward with OW, But there is unfinished business with me 3
« Reply #91 on: August 15, 2019, 09:00:45 AM »
First of all, ((((((HUGS)))))), Waiting.  Long time, no see, my friend.  I thought of you often...

You have experienced the full spectrum of emotions in a short period and yet, here you are, concluding your post with ‘I pray for my H and OW each day.’  That, my friend, speaks of the essence of your character.  You transcended the vagaries of life and extended your grace not only to your H but OW as well by praying for them.   You had the choice to drink the bitter poison of hatred, anger and resentment, but you prayed for them instead.  If that’s not grace, I do not know what is. 

You know, I know, that we cannot do a thing to help our MLCers out of the tunnel.  We are to give them to God and continue to walk on our own path of healing and growing.  I believe part of healing is easing off our focus on MLCer, and OW(!!!), as the target of our anger and blame but seek, pray for and choose benevolence instead.   Anger and blame are totally understandable, especially at the beginning, and it is bloody hard to let that go, and don’t I know it!   It takes gargantuan spiritual effort to get to a place of praying for OW, let alone resolve all that burning anger.  I’m deeply humbled that you can do this, Waiting.  That’s one of the reasons I am confident that you will be OK, no matter what, and that you will have peace and continue to count your blessings.

If/when your H start to see some light at the end of the tunnel, I’m sure you will know.  It is not a string of changes in his words and behaviour even if they had been present for months.  I believe it is the change in the focus of his words and behaviour - moving away from egocentricity and developing true empathy, not only in words but in consistent actions FOR you, for the sufferings he inflicted on you and your D.   His long touch and go, return to OW and his behaviour, post surgery, seem to show it was all for individual 1.  It’s not that he chose OW, though it looks like that.  He chose himself.  That would be the central pillar of MLCer in the depth of the tunnel as far as my limited experience tells me.  It takes TIME to get to a place where MLCer can even see a glimmer of light.  Sigh...

I wish you nothing but the very best, Waiting.  May you continue to recover from your recent devastating experience.
More hugs!
« Last Edit: August 15, 2019, 09:08:11 AM by Acorn »
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

 

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