Author Topic: My Story H is moving forward with OW, But there is unfinished business with me 3  (Read 4063 times)

Offline Thunder

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I don't know Waiting, I think the reason he will not divorce you is over money.  He probably knows that he would end up losing.  It's easier to just live his life and do nothing.

OR for some ridiculous reason he wants you to do the dirty work, but won't admit it.

Who knows.  They get so nutty.

I'm sorry your D is going through this without support of her father, but she has you.
I pray they find out what is wrong with her and can fix it.

Big Hug
« Last Edit: June 30, 2018, 08:56:56 AM by Thunder »
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline heroIam

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Waiting.
Whether it's about money or not for H or you, it's your decision.  It is not easy to live in uncertainty.  Believe me!   Whenever I think about making a decision about a D, I remember it isn't what I want and I would only be doing that out of spite and revenge and manipulation.  I am doing my best to forgive him (for me) so I canmove on with my life even with the way things are.  I count on faith, karma, god to deal with the situation.  In the meantime, I'm getting stronger and I now enjoy my life in gratitude for what I do have and for those around me that sincerely understand and care about me.

However, your situation with your H is slightly different because he seems to monster at you and emotionally abuse you.  But you have handled it with grace and dignity.  I'm not sure I would handle it with such grace as you have!   ::)  it would be challenging for sure!  I understand if you would want to move forward with a D.  And I support whatever decision you make.

I hope your D35 will be OK.  She has a strong mom beside her. 
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline xyzcf

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Quote
as long as he continues to blame me for everything..

I think having no communication with him is a good thing for YOU. Although it is hard to do, and takes lots of strength (for me anyway) to stay firm...YOU WILL NOT TREAT ME THIS WAY! It protects us from their insanity.

Your comment that I quoted above, realize this....this is their insanity...how can you possibly be blamed for everything? You know, you really know that you did everything you could to make your family and marriage a loving place..and to this day...there is nothing you would not do to help your family become whole again, nothing.

Try and change your perception of this.....who really is the one to "blame for everything?" and how come your daughter is also to blame for everything...he is her Father.....does he even act like one?

Quote
i have never in my entire life known this kind of stress, or ever felt this kind of pain..

Here is the place, we can be real about this intense and terrible pain...we know, we understand and I wish there was a way around it....even to this day, as you very well know, he has hurt me terribly once again. I am stronger and wiser and if I can...he will never be allowed to do this to me again.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Online Treasur

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Waiting, my darling girl...glad that the first tests are positive and we're all thinking of you both.

My 2 cents FWIW? You are suffering, I know, but as you can't change the current situation or read your h's mind or control his actions, the ONLY way to stop the suffering is to change your thoughts and actions.

1. Your instinct wisely is to go as close to NC with your irrational and monitoring h as you can. More of that. Set yourself a NC at all goal if you haven't already. Let your D choose how or if she wants to communicate her test results when she knows them. So, your first goal is to limit the presence of h in your real life. If there are financial things that require joint action or communication...put them off, automate what you can or set a 1 hour slot per week to deal with them. Stop your h's texts or emails popping up by getting them automatically sent to a separate folder, my infamous Folder of Doom, so you choose when to look. Or not. Ignore any stupid stuff like his cc...really? Are you the cc company or his life admin assistant? I think not. Pretty confident he's not doing that for you right? Use the rule of 3 days like a life raft. No phone calls for a month. I truly know it is hard and harder when they keep trying to suck you into crazy....but only you can stop the game. Try it for a bit. Even throw a dollar in a jar for every day you do it LOL...then see how you feel and review it.

2. Perhaps much harder, you need to start reducing his virtual existence in your head. All those 'why is he/why doesn't he' monkeys. Because they trigger you doubting your own reality and create a cascade of self-criticism which does not serve you right now. Some use rubber bands, some give themselves allotted minutes per day, some use an IC or journal, or find a distracting activity when the monkeys pop up in their brain. I got in the habit of just repeating one of two things 'It is as it is' or 'I have no f**king idea'.

All your questions and decisions and options about divorce etc can wait until you feel you have made h much smaller in your head and life, like a tiny cartoon figure having a tantrum, while you are like a big graceful multi-coloured bird of paradise....

And if your reaction is 'I can't do that because..x or y or z..', then my loving challenge is that suffering is when we fight reality, and reality always wins in the end. But sometimes we choose suffering first for other reasons and feelings. Been there, got several t-shirts! If that's so, that's ok, but be quietly honest with yourself and maybe find an IC to help you unpick that so you can start to suffer a little less.

And I know, my love, I know it's really easy to post and truly hard and brave to do. x
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Mitzpah

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Waiting,

I am glad the first results are positive, let's continue to hope for the best!

We have a saying in Brazil, when you marry someone, you marry that person's family. In MLC, I think this is very true. You spoke of your h. blaming you that he didn't have a closer relationship with his own family ( :o)  I personally believe that when you marry someone, you need to honor that person's family. In your h.'s case, I believe that it is easy for OW to honor your h.'s family, after all, some of them are dead now, right? Latin Americans are all about honoring their families, I don't know how your h. is dealing with this - you say her father lives with them? I foresee a cultural shock.

Please take care of yourself and your d. at this time - let him be - he is pretty confused IMHO
M 57
H 57
S 27
S 25
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline heroIam

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Waiting, my darling girl...glad that the first tests are positive and we're all thinking of you both.

My 2 cents FWIW? You are suffering, I know, but as you can't change the current situation or read your h's mind or control his actions, the ONLY way to stop the suffering is to change your thoughts and actions.

1. Your instinct wisely is to go as close to NC with your irrational and monitoring h as you can. More of that. Set yourself a NC at all goal if you haven't already. Let your D choose how or if she wants to communicate her test results when she knows them. So, your first goal is to limit the presence of h in your real life. If there are financial things that require joint action or communication...put them off, automate what you can or set a 1 hour slot per week to deal with them. Stop your h's texts or emails popping up by getting them automatically sent to a separate folder, my infamous Folder of Doom, so you choose when to look. Or not. Ignore any stupid stuff like his cc...really? Are you the cc company or his life admin assistant? I think not. Pretty confident he's not doing that for you right? Use the rule of 3 days like a life raft. No phone calls for a month. I truly know it is hard and harder when they keep trying to suck you into crazy....but only you can stop the game. Try it for a bit. Even throw a dollar in a jar for every day you do it LOL...then see how you feel and review it.

2. Perhaps much harder, you need to start reducing his virtual existence in your head. All those 'why is he/why doesn't he' monkeys. Because they trigger you doubting your own reality and create a cascade of self-criticism which does not serve you right now. Some use rubber bands, some give themselves allotted minutes per day, some use an IC or journal, or find a distracting activity when the monkeys pop up in their brain. I got in the habit of just repeating one of two things 'It is as it is' or 'I have no f**king idea'.

All your questions and decisions and options about divorce etc can wait until you feel you have made h much smaller in your head and life, like a tiny cartoon figure having a tantrum, while you are like a big graceful multi-coloured bird of paradise....

And if your reaction is 'I can't do that because..x or y or z..', then my loving challenge is that suffering is when we fight reality, and reality always wins in the end. But sometimes we choose suffering first for other reasons and feelings. Been there, got several t-shirts! If that's so, that's ok, but be quietly honest with yourself and maybe find an IC to help you unpick that so you can start to suffer a little less.

And I know, my love, I know it's really easy to post and truly hard and brave to do. x


Oh wow!  Thank you Treasur.  Everything you said helps me too! 
Waiting, Yes!! yes!!  everything Treasur just said.  She articulated it so well and is spot on.
I'm here with you waiting.  We really do get stronger, I have felt it and I know you can too.
big hugs.
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline waiting4Topic starter

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  • Tomorrow is another day..

  Feeling very sad .. I went to church this morning and my H was so very heavy on my heart.. I prayed for him, and made a prayer request for him..I later just sent him a text to say I hope he was well and that I was praying for him.. He has now blocked me from his phone..

The more I love him, the more patient and understanding I try to be the more he pushes me away and hates me..there is not one ounce of love, care or concern from him , either for me or our daughter..

Im not in a good place at all today..
Me-55
H - 55
Adult D- 35
Married 37 yrs. married 33 yrs at time of BD
date of BD  2015
OW- YES, 36 yr old with a 7yr old
H- moved out of our home in  2015 & moved in with OW
H- says doesnt want divorce, wants long term separation. doesnt know what the future holds.
 H- has introduced OW to his family and visits them often with OW.
 H- has introduced OW to a few of our friends.
 Entering 2018. H has not filed for divorce.
He is still living with OW
 If you're going through Hell, keep going

Offline Thunder

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Waiting, I'm sorry you're feeling so sad right now.  It happens.  Remember we cycle too.

Best not to contact him at all.  He just doesn't want it from you right now.  It's only seen as pressure.
How do you know he blocked you?
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline waiting4Topic starter

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  • Tomorrow is another day..
 Thunder.. my text to him was 2 parts and the second part didn't go through.. and its been a few hours and it still hasn't gone through so he's blocked me..

I wasnt expecting a reply from him, i wasnt looking for that at all... but i didnt expect to be blocked.

this is all just wearing on me.. im taking care of everything and im just exhausted.. i cant keep up with all of it , and on top of that im worried about our daughter, and im incredibably lonely..having no affection from the man i have spent my life with is ripping me apart..i feel old, used and thrown away.. while hes out living a great life with his younger woman..

 
« Last Edit: July 01, 2018, 12:49:44 PM by waiting4 »
Me-55
H - 55
Adult D- 35
Married 37 yrs. married 33 yrs at time of BD
date of BD  2015
OW- YES, 36 yr old with a 7yr old
H- moved out of our home in  2015 & moved in with OW
H- says doesnt want divorce, wants long term separation. doesnt know what the future holds.
 H- has introduced OW to his family and visits them often with OW.
 H- has introduced OW to a few of our friends.
 Entering 2018. H has not filed for divorce.
He is still living with OW
 If you're going through Hell, keep going

Offline Thunder

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It's no wonder you're exhausted.  You do a lot!

Is there any way you could hire someone to help with things?  Hey he spend money on his ow, you spend money on hired help.

Being exhausted doesn't do much for your peace of mind either.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

 

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