Author Topic: My Story H is moving forward with OW, But there is unfinished business with me 3  (Read 4619 times)

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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My Story Re: H is moving forward with OW, But there is unfinished business with me 3
« Reply #80 on: October 25, 2018, 09:43:50 AM »
Waiting4

Hope things are going good for you and your daughter!

Was thinking about you as in your signature you mention us going into 2018 and almost all of a sudden we are at the other end of it. (Well sometimes if feels like all of a sudden, other times not so much!!)

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline waiting4Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: H is moving forward with OW, But there is unfinished business with me 3
« Reply #81 on: August 13, 2019, 02:51:24 PM »
 Hello All.. its been a long time since I have posted.. almost a year, I believe my last post was in Sept. 2018..

I stopped posting as there was really nothing new to say.. Since my last post there has continued to be many ups and downs but by the grace of God I am still standing

In Oct 2018 my H starting contacting both me and our daughter, and he was doing it in such a way I thought a true change was coming.. there were a few back and forth moments but overall things were improving.. Oct 2018 put us firmly at the 3 year mark for when he walked out the door and moved in with OW..so as you can imagine I truly thought this was the start of a true turn around..His texts were kinder, and affectionate to not just me but to our daughter as well.. he was even going above and beyond with meaningful emojis etc..he also for the first time in years began regular phone calls to me that went well each time..

In March of this year 6 months into positive communication he asked for us to meet at our cabin.. I agreed and everything went well.. he actually talked to me and said he was thinking about coming home, but just had to go through a process and get there on his own.. positive communication continued  ( there were a few times where things got tense but I didn't think they were overly serious) His weekly phone calls to continued. the loving emojis continued.. He asked me to meet him for lunch at the end of May, I did and he told me again that he was thinking about coming home, he wanted to know how I felt about moving back to our home town ETC... the lunch went well, we continued good communication..Then On June 4 2019 he asked to take me to lunch.. I agreed..

Back drop : He was having more and more health issues during this time frame.. he was facing a major surgery..

I met him for lunch, I could tell when he arrived that he was not himself.. he was really down, in a lot of pain due to health issues and surgery was now scheduled for June 18th.. he said he has never thought about divorcing me.. that he had a lot of respect for me in how I was not getting involved with another man..and again he said he was thinking about coming home..

NOTE: I arrived first to the restaurant and parked in the back and came in through the back entrance, He parked in a parking garage a block away and came in about 20 minutes later through the front entrance..

After a little over  an hour the lunch eneded and he left through the front and I left through the back..

about 2 hours later I get a text from him say " I am packing my things and moving out today"... I was stunned to say the least

after a few short texts he was in our home for the first time in over 2 years by 7 pm that evening.. It was surreal ..

we had dinner, I didn't ask too many questions.. he opened up and said ( now this was his story)…
That while we were having lunch OW drove by the restaurant.. she was in the area to get her nails done and was early so she decided to walk around..she ended up walking by the restaurant and just happened to look through a window and saw him, she then walked inside and saw me sitting with him, she turned around and left , and somehow ended up back at her house where she proceeded to break into his laptop and she read emails that we had been sending to each other.. she confronted him and she told him to leave.

He said he didn't fight with her, he simply gathered a few things and decided to come home..I did not believe a word he was saying.. first off the windows at the restaurant are tinted and I know for a fact that you can not see in from the sidewalk, and I was facing the open area where she woild have to of stood in order to even see me..

I didn't confront him.. I just listened.. He said he would be going back to her place on Saturday to pack up all his things .. I again didn't say anything I just listened..

On Friday he walks through our front door and says we need to talk.. I knew what was coming.. I sat calmly and listened.. I did not cry, I did not fall apart..

He said he had talked to her and she wanted him to come back.. He said he missed her more than he thought he would and he did love her, that he didn't have any bad thoughts about her.. he said I know you will never understand but I do love you both and I don't know what to do..I told him I knew this was hard for him and I told him I would go upstairs and pack his things for him and bring them down.. he became very agitated and said, I just want you to talk to me.. this talk will determine what I do.. so I sat and listened. I answered his questions and he then walked out to our porch to sit alone and think..

after about an hour I went out and told him that I knew this was hard for him and that I would go up and get his things.. he grabbed my arms and told me no, that he was staying..he called OW and told her.. He then called our daughter and told her that he was home ..

Saturday morning he woke up with a change of heart..he said leaving her is very hard..he left to go to her house and pack his things.. he stayed much longer than he said he would.. when he came home we talked for hours..

Sunday morning he got up, we talk again.. he left to go back to her house.. he hugged me.. he said I love you.. if I come back it will be for good.. and if I stay with her I know I will have to divorce you.. he drove away and I have not seen him since...

On June 18th he had his surgery.. I was not allowed to be there. our daughter was there in my place. H and I are still legally married so therefore I have final say if something happened to him.. OW was walking around the hospital telling everyone that would listen to her that she was his DOMESTIC PARTNER.. ( our daughter just looked at her at first as if she were insane but then became very angry ) at one point our daughter said she had had enough and she just spoke her peace with OW.. daughter did this in private

after H was brought into his room and daughter left for the evening, OW told him what daughter said..( she couldn't wait til he was dismissed from the hospital.. she just had to tell him hours after major surgery)

H is furious with daughter and is now not speaking to her.. He has now placed daughter on list that she is not allowed at hospital in the future..i am also not allowed so OW is now in charge..

a week after his surgery and he is back in OW home.. he is rushed to ER in the middle of the night.. heavy/ crushing chest pain, cant breath, heart rate 230, dizzy , fainted.. he is admitted and they say he may have AVNRT...they send  him home..

2 weeks later he is rushed back to ER with exact same symptoms..he is then scheduled for a nuclear stress test.. I have no idea the outcome of it..

He is no longer speaking to me and has told me to leave him alone.. at this point I have..

I have gone through a breakdown of my own and spent some time in the hospital as this entire situation is taking its toll on my health.. I have since changed my phone number and make no effort to contact him.

whatever happened to cause him to reach out to me and our daughter  for almost 6 months and then to suddenly come home has now faded.. I have no idea what to call what he did.. ( false start ??) he is back with OW and he has gone back to having nothing to do with us, verbal abuse, etc...our daughters birthday was this past weekend and he  made no attempt to contact her.. in fact he spent all weekend with OW at a family event.. ( our daughter discovered this )

so I am back to trying to pick up the pieces of my life again.. where I was getting better and having peace and some happiness in my life was just hit hard by his coming home and then leaving as he did..

that has been my life for the past year.. I hope everyone is doing ok.. and I will check in on some threads and catch up...

I pray for my H and OW each day,,

Blessings … Waiting..




« Last Edit: August 13, 2019, 03:09:15 PM by waiting4 »
Me-55
H - 55
Adult D- 35
Married 37 yrs. married 33 yrs at time of BD
date of BD  2015
OW- YES, 36 yr old with a 7yr old
H- moved out of our home in  2015 & moved in with OW
H- says doesnt want divorce, wants long term separation. doesnt know what the future holds.
 H- has introduced OW to his family and visits them often with OW.
 H- has introduced OW to a few of our friends.
 Entering 2018. H has not filed for divorce.
He is still living with OW
 If you're going through Hell, keep going

Offline xyzcf

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Re: H is moving forward with OW, But there is unfinished business with me 3
« Reply #82 on: August 13, 2019, 03:16:26 PM »
You have been on my mind. I am sorry to hear these things.

As I read them, my thoughts are this:

There is nothing normal about his behavior. But that is true in many cases of MLC. Although able to function at work and in life in general, they do not have the capacity to express themselves very well if at all......and often, as in your case, they disappear again or treat us with even more monster than before.

I don't know why, but I have seen it several times.

And it breaks us, once again..it breaks us. Because as "normal" people, we believe the words and actions that are said to us...this is after all someone that we loved deeply for decades...why would we not believe them?

His anger at his daughter is another sign to me that he's not acting in a "normal" manner....

So..whatever it takes for you to become healthy and whole again.....that and your relationship with your daughter is the most important thing. Their "crisis" has taken them into a dark and unhealthy world..prayers for you and your daughter.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline Milly

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Re: H is moving forward with OW, But there is unfinished business with me 3
« Reply #83 on: August 13, 2019, 03:27:25 PM »
Oh, Waiting, I'm so sorry for this terrible experience with your H. I'm sure your hopes were raised, and your Ds, too, how could they not? You behaved so gracefully. I just think that your H is not fully cooked. I do believe deep in him he knows he loves you and wants his family back, but this crisis is like Morpheme and even though they know they want to wake up and have their family back, the drug is so strong that they are pulled back into it. I think your H will probably try to come back again, maybe he'll be stronger next time. Right now, he's not quite ready or fixed. He still has some issues to resolve.

I bet you knew that this might happen since you have been here a while. I'm sorry for your D if she had expectations, too. I would take it as a move in the right direction, but then he got scared, OW pull was still quite strong and he has no strength yet.

I feel that you had a reconnection. They do tell us that reconnection doesn't necessarily lead to reconciliation, but if you are still hopeful, I do not take it as a complete negative. My view is that his behaviour for those 6 months is how he feels deep down. He needs to work through some of the issues with himself so he is stronger when facing OW next time.

I wouldn't be surprised if you completely ignore him for a while. Might do him some good to feel the consequences. I do hope you manage to get over this new BD.  It's always very interesting for us who have no communication with our spouses, to hear about your situation. Big hugs to you and thank you for updating us.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline waiting4Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: H is moving forward with OW, But there is unfinished business with me 3
« Reply #84 on: August 13, 2019, 04:07:16 PM »
   Thank you so much for your kind and supportive words..

 XY, i have been thinking about you as well, I talk to a few people on the forum and try to keep up with everyone.. I just felt that I didn't have anything new to add to my situation for awhile..

Milly, if anything I say can help another stander then I will feel all I have been through has not been in vain..
I agree that H is not fully cooked as we say.. he just isnt there yet.. maybe someday..
it was hard to hear  him actually say that he loves her.. it was even harder to him say that she still wants a baby..

I do not believe his story of what caused him to come home.. I think she was putting pressure on him to divorce me  and he doesn't want to do it.. so she threw him out and to her surprise he didn't beg her he simply came home.. so I was unfortunately put in the middle of their drama and I and our daughter were the ones that were deeply and honestly hurt..

he has gone completely silent now.. but he still has not filed for divorce...

The last communication I had with him he told me I did not need to worry about her getting pregnant, that it would not happen.. and he also let me know ( and I have no idea why he told me this ) she is renting out the entire basement of that house to a married couple.. I don't know what he shared that with me..

our daughter said she looks very stressed, and looks frumpy..

H still has mail coming here to our home.. and he is still paying  all the bills.
Me-55
H - 55
Adult D- 35
Married 37 yrs. married 33 yrs at time of BD
date of BD  2015
OW- YES, 36 yr old with a 7yr old
H- moved out of our home in  2015 & moved in with OW
H- says doesnt want divorce, wants long term separation. doesnt know what the future holds.
 H- has introduced OW to his family and visits them often with OW.
 H- has introduced OW to a few of our friends.
 Entering 2018. H has not filed for divorce.
He is still living with OW
 If you're going through Hell, keep going

Offline Thunder

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Re: H is moving forward with OW, But there is unfinished business with me 3
« Reply #85 on: August 13, 2019, 05:42:02 PM »
Oh gosh my dear Waiting, I have thought of you so often and hoped for an update.

I guess you had a long Touch and Go.  They happen.

I would say your H is still being controlled, and probably blackmailed by his ow.  Not much you can do about that until he gets up the courage to stand up to her or to take the leap.

In his nanosecond brain he knows where he belongs and where he wants to be, but he still is fighting demons. Turn the oven up!

Hugs to you, fellow brave warrior and thank you for the update.
You are handling this so well.

Are you still working, Waiting?
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online Treasur

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Re: H is moving forward with OW, But there is unfinished business with me 3
« Reply #86 on: August 13, 2019, 11:39:30 PM »
First of all, I am so sorry for the pain and frustration and disappointment that both you and your daughter suffered. Truly. It must have been a very hard time and awful to be 'shut out' when he was seriously ill.

Yes it sounds like a long touch and go. Yes it seems sadly that this is not uncommon. Yes it sounds as if a lot of his behaviour was in reaction to what was going on in his relationship with ow. Yes MLCers make decisions based on emotions, they react rather then plan. Yes his emotions about you and coming home were how he felt at the time...until he didn't. Whatever dragons he is chasing or demons chasing him, it will all need to play out bc this is his path and his demons.

You did your best, waiting. So did your daughter. I hope you both know that.

I'm about at the same timeline I think and one of the things that bothers me is feeling that anyone needs to justify their love for a spouse of many years. You didn't need to justify it before your h fell over a cliff. You don't now. And there is a school of thought that, even though we say repeatedly it is THEIR crisis, encourages LBS to unpick their marriage and assumes that there must be something wrong in the LBS either to have picked this person in the first place or choose to stand or love them. That may be a conclusion that some LBS reach for themselves. But most long marriages here were good normal healthy marriages...until half of the team went into a crisis. Normal interdependency, care and respect is not the same as denial or codependency. And none of us should gaslight ourselves imho.

The key as you say seems to be in a way whose story it is. Whether the LBS is inadvertently a guest player in the ow/spouse drama. I hope there is a time when the story becomes about you, your spouse and your daughter again with ow as a character in an old episode. Until then, as you say so wisely, all you can do is limit your involvement with their drama and get back to your own life. And I hope that, whatever happens, you can take comfort in the fact that you gave him a chance and gave repair a chance. And that his relationship with ow is, as they often seem to be, far from normal or healthy.

There is another thread talking about why people might not come back and post about reconnection. Thank you for having the courage to share the truth of what happened. I am sure it will help other people. Looking back now, what were the signs for you that something was different other than his words? And what were the signs that it was not different enough for him to sustain it?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Nas

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Re: H is moving forward with OW, But there is unfinished business with me 3
« Reply #87 on: August 13, 2019, 11:53:39 PM »
I’m sorry to read what you and your daughter have gone through. The fact that he is not speaking to his own daughter simply because she spoke her truth speaks volumes as to his state of mind.

I can’t imagine how frustrating it must be. I will be honest and say I don’t think I’ll ever fully understand these dysfunctional OW relationships and I don’t think I ever will.

Wishing you and your daughter healing. This must be so tough on her as well, and very confusing.

Online Treasur

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Re: H is moving forward with OW, But there is unfinished business with me 3
« Reply #88 on: August 14, 2019, 04:37:59 AM »
You might find this link to a fellow poster helpful, waiting, as she experienced something quite similar https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=2882.msg340370#msg340370
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline 1trouble

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Re: H is moving forward with OW, But there is unfinished business with me 3
« Reply #89 on: August 14, 2019, 04:50:53 AM »
Standing
I am sorry to read your update but what I will tell you is, what happened to you is a pattern of behaviour that plays  out in many stories, including my own.

Busybee, who had her own MLC , believes there is a critical period around the 2-3 year mark where some will come out of crisis and some look like they are, only to go deeper into it.
I have to say it was absolutely true in my case and it looks like it applies to you.
And its  why I keep saying on this site that you will only know IF someone is reconnecting when you look back and the crisis is over AND its why I would also counsel everyone not to see the articles on here and elsewhere as gospel, because they can be unintentionally misleading and were written long ago when there was not as much information about MLC and not many detailed stories. 

There still isn’t much information about the latter part of the crisis because  due to what a MLC’er does and the hurt caused , the relationship between the spouses is irretrievably broken down  in many many cases AND MLC’ers distance themselves in the latter part of the crisis so we don’t see the things we saw in the beginning..
However there is another part of the MLC script and thats the ‘type’ of OW the MLC’er will chose and in many stories it is someone who at best is very insecure and controlling and at worse has some sort of personality disorder.
There are reasons for this,  these OW are very addictive to someone in crisis, at first they love bomb our spouses and give them a huge boost and to someone going into crisis this bolsters they crumbling sense of self-worth and ego and makes them ‘feel’ something when most of the time they are utterly numb and devoid of any sort of feeling.  This is like a life jacket to a drowning man and sets the seed for the addictive nature of the relationship going forward.
As time goes on they (the MLC’er ) do get periods of clarity which probably led to your H saying he wanted to come home, but clearly the addiction was too strong and he was too weak at that point and as you stated in your post you could tell it in his eyes and demeanour that he had changed, I really can relate to that too.

It is a total brain fnck and you have my deepest sympathy because I totally empathise with your pain, I too have been there.
For now you are clearly fragile and I think you need to do whatever you can to get yourself stronger and protect yourself.
You need to see this as someone who is addicted, there is nothing you can do to help your H atm, he is in the eye of the storm and has given in to the OW and the addictive nature of this sick relationship and this will go on for some time.
Know though this isn’t the real person you knew and loved, yes sometimes you get glimpses of that man, but TBH, what I have found is when you want so much to “see” that person again you overlook the subtleties and signs which were there that showed you it wasn’t really him.

Small things like the confusion, contradiction, the lack of empathy, the talk about himself and not really showing any real interest in anyone else, (yes they may ask questions but are they really listening and empathising with what you are saying?). These are all the things I can see when I look back to the  contact I had with my MLC’er in November 2017 – Jan 2018, before he disappeard and fully committed to the OW.

I know its also hard when you can see that person is physically unwell, again I have had to deal with this in my story, my  MLC’er  has had a stroke, concussion that meant he lost his ability to talk for a week, a couple of operations on bladder and prostate, a busted knee, eye infections which closed his eye completely and latterly a broken wrist and back injury, nearly all of these things he either worked through or went straight back to work as soon as he could.

Also there was a period (I don’t know if its still the case), where he was at the hospital every month or so thinking he was having a heart attack (I think these were severe panic attacks as to my knowledge) they never found anything wrong and even one point said there was absolutely nothing wrong with his heart but there were problems with his liver as he was drinking obsessively at the time.

I use to worry about him, now I realise it will do nothing to stop him, as I said before its like someone with an addiction, they can get very destructive and nothing can stop someone when in the throws of it, to try is futile, to worry,  just makes you ill. All you can do is remove yourself from it and get strong,  for yourself, but also if you want to be there for when he needs you, you need to be strong enough to deal with it. 

You see its clear he feels nothing still, he has points of rational thinking and remembers loving you but he really doesn’t feel it so he still needs the drama from the OW to make him ‘feel’ without that he doesn’t feel anything or know who he is anymore, that’s why he went back.

What I do for MLC’er  is say a little prayer for him each night and I put all my energy and effort into making my life the kind of life I want to live,  it took a long time to get there and a lot of hurt and stress along the way but I got there and so will you, you just cannot make his crisis your crisis.

You cant get in the way of him and the OW because you are a fully functioning human being with emotion, feelings, love empathy etc.  Your H has lost connection to all of these things and the OW doesn’t possess them, that’s why they are together, they are two empty needy people needing the drama and the breakups and the jealousy to feel anything.
I don’t contact my MLC’er, I leave it up to him to call me and he knows he can and does, though it is very sporadic now. In between time I make every day count, I set myself tasks for each day and goals for the future because my life counts and so does yours.

My MLC’er contacted me three weeks ago (after 3 months) and said he was coming home (yet again) he said he knew he has made a mistake, he said he went after some fantasy thinking he could do better, when in reality he had the best and the OW was not fit to lick my boots…(I documented all our conversations on my thread as I have always done) he still went back the following day BTW and I haven’t heard from him since.
But it no longer bothers me that much really because it becomes same $hite different day.

As I told him last time, I have lots of plans and I enjoy my life and his life and unhappiness is for him to sort out, I cant sort it out for him.  He is getting there but this will take a huge amount of time and so I live my life.
Am I standing? I don’t define myself by these terms, I am getting on with my life and I make plans and I do stuff and I know I don’t want another man, as I am still in love with my MLC’er but as I also said a few weeks back, I am starting to pity him a little and that may be a game changer if this goes on, but I will know if it is, when it is, so I don’t think about it much.
So to summarise, what your H has done is script, as far as I am concerned, I know its not in any articles anywhere and I wish it was, I wish the articles about ‘signs’ of touch and goes vs reconnection  were burnt because it would stop a lot of people getting hurt and holding onto the most miniscule thing being a ‘sign’.

MLC’ers cycle and sometimes those cycles can go on for months,( that’s something else which is buried in stories by not really mentioned in any detail anywhere).  So everyone expects cycles to be short and anything which goes on any length of time to be a reconnection attempt…..no its not sadly.

I do believe my MLC’er will come out of this, when that will be is anyone’s guess, he could go on like this for years, but as I said I don’t think about that I think about what I am doing today, that’s the only thing I have some sort of control over and if this MLC stuff has taught me anything its not to bother thinking or worrying about the future because you really don’t know what could happen, good or bad, so just enjoy each day.
Take care xx
"I can't go back to yesterday I was a different person then"..............Alice in Wonderland

you NEVER know how strong you are, until being strong is the ONLY choice you have"

 

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