Author Topic: My Story Still my turn!  (Read 2694 times)

Offline Treasur

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My Story Re: Still my turn!
« Reply #20 on: July 04, 2018, 05:46:24 AM »
Strangely, I wonder if feeling able to trust our own gut instincts is one of the first casualties of the general insanity of it all.
So, no matter what happens, feeling you can trust your own 'yucky-o-meter' (great phrase  ;D) is probably a good sign of your recovery h&f
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline hopeandfaithTopic starter

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Re: Still my turn!
« Reply #21 on: July 10, 2018, 03:02:36 AM »
Just checking in.

So I thought that H had ducked back into the tunnel this week because he ended his Dry July quest (which I saw on the bank statement) and went a bit quiet on me.  He invited me out for breakfast on Sunday morning though and a conversation about his Niece 22's upcoming housewarming turned into a conversation about us.  H is refreshingly future focused and wants to do it all with me.  He has been thinking about our finances (which is my domain) and I agree with all the things he was saying.  I told him that my IC won't see him but that I would ask her for another name and give it to him.  We talked about MC too and he still seems on board with this.

I did send him the contact details for another IC today and I think I heard him gulp when I told him that I would be sending them through.  He has been in contact quite a bit today so he hasn't run away completely.  His contact is similar to previous times when I become his 'person'.  I did say that I wanted to see more of "this H" for a longer time and he said "yeah thats why I want to sort out my $hit before we focus on us".  I don't think he is in any doubt about my forward focus.  I did say that it was nice to see him planning things for his future and not being so stuck.  I asked him if this approach comes in waves and he shook his head in a way that told me that it's always what he wanted, he just keeps fcuking up the way back.

I had another IC appt yesterday and I cried....yay me!  It was kind of bizarre to be congratulated for that rather than feeling like it was some sort of emotional fail.  I really like her and I think she is really going to help me be less repressed.  H totally dealt with it the wrong way, but there is definitely a negative affect on an anxious person when they get in a relationship with an avoidant person.  We definitely both have crap to sort out.

So, it's a weird time for me because I need to turn around a whole lot of avoidant/repressed tendencies while being detached and leaving a space for H.  Topsy turvy world for sure.  There is really no possible way for me to control this sitch so I think I'll just throw my hands up and fly by the seat of my pants.

I did take a rain check on an invitation to sneak out to H's and "fall asleep here" on Sat night.  Oh glory would I have loved to do that.  All in good time.  Keeping my fingers loosely crossed for him this time and acknowledging that the IC conversations are an improvement even if he doesn't make the appt yet.
BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved out July 2017
D18, D16 and S14

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Still my turn!
« Reply #22 on: July 10, 2018, 03:26:35 AM »
Riding along Hope. Sounds like the beginning of a wonderful thread. Looking forward  to hearing more . It's so true what you said keeping the balance between head and heart. That is not easy.
Wishing yall many good days to come.

Offline 31andcounting

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Re: Still my turn!
« Reply #23 on: July 10, 2018, 08:20:17 AM »
Live in the moment h&f😊

(Hugs)
31
Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline Milly

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Re: Still my turn!
« Reply #24 on: July 11, 2018, 03:28:51 PM »
Oh, Hope, you are sounding so strong. I'm loving how your story is going. I'm so excited for you and have great admiration for your control of your expectations.xxx
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D23, D20, S13
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline hopeandfaithTopic starter

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Re: Still my turn!
« Reply #25 on: July 14, 2018, 01:08:32 AM »
Thank you Milly, 31 and Helping.

I am still living in topsy turvy land between keeping a guard up and trying to learn not to be repressed - arrgghh.  There is a way through and I will find it.

I have noticed that H is much stronger at the beginning of the week than the end, which I generally think is because the healing effect of home is wearing off.  I was tempted to check the phone bill this morning because D16 came into my bedroom and told me that H had offered to take her and D18 to his parents place in the country for the night.  This was the first I'd heard which is a little weird considering he has been keeping in fairly close contact.  My first thought was that he'd been drunk the night before or Thurs night and had been in contact with ow and was trying to keep her happy by staying away from me.  All assumptions on my part because I have no idea really.  It made me $hitty though.

2 mins later, he calls to tell me of his plans and asks if its alright?? Um yeah? He asks what my plans for the weekend are and then tells me that they won't be late home tomorrow night and we can have dinner together.  He called me again before he got there and told me that someone was coming to have a look at the S's motorbike that we are selling.  I walked outside while they were looking at the bike and H says "this is my wife, H&F".  Sometimes I don't know if he even realises he says it.  It totally didn't need to be said either.  I would have just said "this is H's name".

Anyhoo, he had to do a bit of running around to drop S off to his friends and invited me for a drive.  I went.  We got back home and had 15 mins to kill before he had to go and get D16 from work.  D18 was home at the time.  H had been looking like he wanted to grab or touch me since he'd got there and then finally says "can we talk quickly?"  We headed off to the bedroom and he shut the door.  I am thinking 'oh oh, now what' and he says, "I didn't want to talk, I just wanted to hug you". Then follows a very squeezy hug and some tonsil hockey.  I predict that they won't be late home tomorrow night despite whatever ideas he may or may not have had in his head before he spoke to me this morning.

It is extremely hard to be detached from him at the moment.  My heart runs away with me so easily but my head kicks in and I think my way through the facts of the situation.  My little head was having a break for a while there and it was super nice.  I need to crank up the spiritual side and meditation etc so that I can rest while in protect mode.

So, I am home alone tonight because S has gone away camping with his friend.  I plan to have a bath and/or binge watch TV.  I took the dogs for a walk before and then came home and re-fixed 2 kitchen handles that came off about 3 weeks ago.  H and I went to the hardware shop last week but I didn't have the screws with me so he talked me out of just buying anything (which I agree with).  When I get determined about something though, I am super stubborn and I found 2 screws in the shed that I thought might work - they did ;D.  I also YouTubed how to fix my dishwasher which has just broken down.  I sliced my hands up a bit and took 4 screws out that didn't need to come out but I got it all back together after I'd found a ring pull jammed in the impeller.

My car broke down this week so that is still going to be costly and we have a rental property that needs some repairs so I really didn't need to call a dishwasher repair man on top of that.  H's car is also doing weird things so that is likely to cost a lot too.  I am woman, he me roar  8)
BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved out July 2017
D18, D16 and S14

Offline serenity

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Re: Still my turn!
« Reply #26 on: July 14, 2018, 02:48:33 AM »
Hi h and f

You’re doing so well and I’m impressed that you can repair stuff. I’d never tackle a dishwasher!

I was wondering if by the end of the week your H is just tired and finds it a strain to keep the mask up of trying hard to be the real person you knew!?!

Enjoy your alone time and do some things for you that make you happy.

X

Offline Notinlimbo

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Re: Still my turn!
« Reply #27 on: July 14, 2018, 11:11:14 PM »
Hey H & F
Keep up the good work. He is attracted to strong independant H & F isnt he.
Thats best for you too.

Not xx
Me 60
H 58
D 26
BD March 15
OW ex from 34 years ago PA

Offline 31andcounting

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Re: Still my turn!
« Reply #28 on: July 15, 2018, 07:00:22 AM »
If only our hearts didn't come into play!!??!! We'd feel so much stronger wouldn't we?
But then we probably wouldn't be standers either!!

You sound great h&f ! Great work on fixing appliances and not your H!
(Hugs)
31
Hurting people hurt people :(

Online stillbaffled

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Re: Still my turn!
« Reply #29 on: July 15, 2018, 09:45:43 AM »

So, I am home alone tonight because S has gone away camping with his friend.  I plan to have a bath and/or binge watch TV.  I took the dogs for a walk before and then came home and re-fixed 2 kitchen handles that came off about 3 weeks ago.  H and I went to the hardware shop last week but I didn't have the screws with me so he talked me out of just buying anything (which I agree with).  When I get determined about something though, I am super stubborn and I found 2 screws in the shed that I thought might work - they did ;D.  I also YouTubed how to fix my dishwasher which has just broken down.  I sliced my hands up a bit and took 4 screws out that didn't need to come out but I got it all back together after I'd found a ring pull jammed in the impeller.

My car broke down this week so that is still going to be costly and we have a rental property that needs some repairs so I really didn't need to call a dishwasher repair man on top of that.  H's car is also doing weird things so that is likely to cost a lot too.  I am woman, he me roar  8)

Nice work!  I, too, am a big YouTube user training myself to become my own handywoman!  But I'm pretty sure I haven't graduated to that kind of a dishwasher fix yet.   :)
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

 

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