Author Topic: My Story A long story of finding myself all over again.  (Read 4817 times)

Offline readytofixmyselffirstTopic starter

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My Story A long story of finding myself all over again.
« on: July 01, 2018, 06:55:10 PM »
Hello everyone. I made a promise that one day I would return to the forum. I am no longer married, my MCLer is several states away and we have been divorced for five years. Prior to the divorce, I stood for three years with my MCLer.

It was 2010, my MCler started acting strange. I found out she was in an emotional relationship online with another man. She had found her "true love" and this man could even read her mind. I dealt with several months of spewing and anger, then nothing. We lived in the same home but separate lives.

We even went to counseling together but no change. In 2012, her sister, teenage son and baby moved in with us. Still no change. I helped sister prepare for a test. She passed the test and three days later was diagnosed with cancer. I took her to chemotherapy, radiation, emergency room visits. I alternated with the teenage son spending the night with her as she did not like being in the hospital alone.

I really grasped at the hope that everything would be alright if her sister healed. I remember just before Christmas being told that the cancer was spreading and there was no hope. After Christmas, I moved out of the house to a small room. That ended the stand. My sister-in-law died a few months later. Prior to her passing, she asked me if she should still fight and wanted to give up. I told her that she should never give up. I told her I would prepare and run the LA marathon if she continued to fight and give her my medal. She didn't make it, but I ran the race anyway. It would be my last race. My arthritic knees almost failed and I finished the last eight miles with bone on bone as I hobbled to the finish line. I expressed mailed the medal and it was buried with her.

I moved back home and my wife filed for divorce. We never went to court and settled everything. She moved away with my youngest daughter and my oldest stayed with me. I got to see the youngest for Christmas and the summers and got to see the oldest everyday.

Fast forward to today. My oldest just finished her Master's degree and will start teaching this fall. My youngest will be a senior in college this year in the field of graphic design. I have moved into a new home with my fiancee and her family. We will be married this October.

However, what brought me back to the site was my promise that as soon as I finished my doctoral degree, I would come back to let you know. Well, I successfully defended my dissertation, and my paer is on its way for final approval. So now, I am Dr. Ready.

I wish I was still standing, but even our counselor told me that my MCLer was lost and that her issues go way deeper than anything with me. She is still lost and until she is ready to examine and truly work on her issues, she will always have issues. These issues will keep her from truly connecting and building a relationship built on trust and love.

Glad to be back for all the wrong reasons, but I will help other stand and continue to stand.

(((((Hugs)))))

Ready

Previous thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3550.0
« Last Edit: July 02, 2018, 06:15:06 AM by Thunder »
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline Ready2Transform

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #1 on: July 01, 2018, 07:03:04 PM »
READY!!! The real one!  ;D Congratulations on all of the wonderful things that have transpired for you. You've continued to be an inspiration to many of us, even in your absence from the forum. Thank you for returning, and not for the 'wrong' reasons. You are a success story in yourself.
"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

http://seriousvanity.com/how-to-cultivate-unconditional-love-and-change-the-world/

Offline Anjae

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #2 on: July 01, 2018, 07:04:10 PM »
Hello Dr. Ready  :)

Thank you for coming back.

I am sorry to hear about your sister in law. I remember how much you loved her and how you provide good care to her.

Wonderful to read you update and very glad to know all is well with you. Congratulations on all you have achieved. I am smiling with joy.  :)

You're not back for all the wrong reasons, you're back for all the right reasons.

We love success stories, regardless of the outcome. We have long learned that success is not just a reconciled marrieage, success is the LBS doing great in whatever way the LBS decided to.

You will still find several of us old timers around. Some of us have spouses backs, others, like myself, still have spouses in MLC (yes, nearly 12 years since BD... ), who are showing some tiny signs of improvement.

We have all move on with our lives, each on its own way.

Hugs
« Last Edit: July 01, 2018, 07:17:03 PM by Anjae »
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Reinventing

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #3 on: July 01, 2018, 07:11:13 PM »
Dr. Ready. Thank you for being my mentor back when it was still so raw. So glad to hear your update, although it's sad to hear about her sister passing away.

Glad to hear you have forged a new life for yourself.  Congratulations!
« Last Edit: July 01, 2018, 07:12:16 PM by Reinventing »

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #4 on: July 01, 2018, 07:25:10 PM »
As a relative newbie, I find your story very inspirational!  Thanks for sharing. I’m sorry about your sister-in-law. I’d like to hear more about how you found love again. I’m wondering how I can ever trust again.
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Divorced as of January 2019
I don't think I'm standing, but who knows what the future brings.
Two Teenage boys
Me: 55
H 59
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline Not Your Monkey

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #5 on: July 01, 2018, 07:54:47 PM »
Thanks for sharing.

The story about your SIL is sad, but interesting. I have a question for you. You said:

Quote
I really grasped at the hope that everything would be alright if her sister healed.

Did you think this because you believed your W would be impressed by your dedication to her sister, or because you believed your W would snap out of it if her sister was healed?

And when your expectations were dashed, is that why you decided to end it?

And congratulations on the PhD. It's been more than a decade since I got mine but it's a big achievement you should be proud of!
Beware "MLCers" telling lies.

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #6 on: July 01, 2018, 08:21:31 PM »
Thank you so much for returning to share with us, Dr. Ready!   :)

You certainly have much to be proud of in regard to you own accomplishments, as well as those of your daughters. 

I hope you'll be a regular visitor and I hope you'll share much of the wisdom you've acquired since 2010! 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16 - his 53rd birthday
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline Mitzpah

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #7 on: July 02, 2018, 04:47:10 AM »
Ready!

I have missed you, you helped me so much in the beginning!

I am happy to know that you have achieved your doctorate, congratulations! Also congrats on your daughters' successes.

I am still standing. I have been divorced over three years now and he continues in a relationship with ow, albeit not living with her now. I stand out of conviction that it is what I have to do, however, it is lonely and often sad. Life goes on and my children are doing well, all still living with me. Eldest s26 (!!!) has a gf who practically lives with us and is graduating in Physical Ed. Middle s24 took a long time off before going to college, partly because I couldn't afford it - now my SIL pays his course in International Relations, he seems to be enjoying it. D23 is pursuing a degree in Biology at a private university (she works and pays for her course) after giving up Zootechnics at a very good federal university >:(

I still have numerous dogs, some of whom fight each other (used to belong to h. - affair pet). I enjoy my time out in nature, which is exuberant around here 8), watching soccer, rooting for Brazil in the World Cup! I still have another 'horse in the race', as we say with England, my native country :P - all in all, pretty busy.

I lost my younger sister to cancer two years ago and more recently, my father to a traumatic kidney failure. Many losses. I am grateful to God who continues to provide for me, I have a good job and am able to pay my bills and I work hard!

So good to see you again!

Wishing you all happiness in your life!!
M 57
H 57
S 27
S 25
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline Tyks

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #8 on: July 02, 2018, 06:08:26 AM »
Hi ready
I was not here when you were but I am happy to read your story. Question, if you wish you were still standing why are you getting married? Also, does your mlcer still play on your mind when you have this new relationship? I only wonder BC I have met a great guy that I can see a future with but the xh is always there in my brain. Not so much that I want him back but the anger and bitterness is what I think about.
Me 49
Him 49
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out
D16 D19
April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce
Divorce final February 12 2018

Offline Whyus

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #9 on: July 02, 2018, 06:31:56 AM »
Hi Ready, im a newby really (BD Jan 2017). Nice to read from you.
tyks beat me to it basically.

Hi ready
Question, if you wish you were still standing why are you getting married? This.
Also, does your mlcer still play on your mind when you have this new relationship? This.
Not so much that I want him back but the anger and bitterness is what I think about. This.

I will help other stand and continue to stand.
How can you stand if your getting married? I too have met a "keeper" but W is in my head still every day for the reasons above...

Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept/Tolerate them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

 

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