Author Topic: My Story A long story of finding myself all over again.  (Read 3576 times)

Offline readytofixmyselffirstTopic starter

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My Story A long story of finding myself all over again.
« on: July 01, 2018, 06:55:10 PM »
Hello everyone. I made a promise that one day I would return to the forum. I am no longer married, my MCLer is several states away and we have been divorced for five years. Prior to the divorce, I stood for three years with my MCLer.

It was 2010, my MCler started acting strange. I found out she was in an emotional relationship online with another man. She had found her "true love" and this man could even read her mind. I dealt with several months of spewing and anger, then nothing. We lived in the same home but separate lives.

We even went to counseling together but no change. In 2012, her sister, teenage son and baby moved in with us. Still no change. I helped sister prepare for a test. She passed the test and three days later was diagnosed with cancer. I took her to chemotherapy, radiation, emergency room visits. I alternated with the teenage son spending the night with her as she did not like being in the hospital alone.

I really grasped at the hope that everything would be alright if her sister healed. I remember just before Christmas being told that the cancer was spreading and there was no hope. After Christmas, I moved out of the house to a small room. That ended the stand. My sister-in-law died a few months later. Prior to her passing, she asked me if she should still fight and wanted to give up. I told her that she should never give up. I told her I would prepare and run the LA marathon if she continued to fight and give her my medal. She didn't make it, but I ran the race anyway. It would be my last race. My arthritic knees almost failed and I finished the last eight miles with bone on bone as I hobbled to the finish line. I expressed mailed the medal and it was buried with her.

I moved back home and my wife filed for divorce. We never went to court and settled everything. She moved away with my youngest daughter and my oldest stayed with me. I got to see the youngest for Christmas and the summers and got to see the oldest everyday.

Fast forward to today. My oldest just finished her Master's degree and will start teaching this fall. My youngest will be a senior in college this year in the field of graphic design. I have moved into a new home with my fiancee and her family. We will be married this October.

However, what brought me back to the site was my promise that as soon as I finished my doctoral degree, I would come back to let you know. Well, I successfully defended my dissertation, and my paer is on its way for final approval. So now, I am Dr. Ready.

I wish I was still standing, but even our counselor told me that my MCLer was lost and that her issues go way deeper than anything with me. She is still lost and until she is ready to examine and truly work on her issues, she will always have issues. These issues will keep her from truly connecting and building a relationship built on trust and love.

Glad to be back for all the wrong reasons, but I will help other stand and continue to stand.

(((((Hugs)))))

Ready

Previous thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3550.0
« Last Edit: July 02, 2018, 06:15:06 AM by Thunder »
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline Ready2Transform

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #1 on: July 01, 2018, 07:03:04 PM »
READY!!! The real one!  ;D Congratulations on all of the wonderful things that have transpired for you. You've continued to be an inspiration to many of us, even in your absence from the forum. Thank you for returning, and not for the 'wrong' reasons. You are a success story in yourself.
"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

http://seriousvanity.com/how-to-cultivate-unconditional-love-and-change-the-world/

Offline Anjae

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #2 on: July 01, 2018, 07:04:10 PM »
Hello Dr. Ready  :)

Thank you for coming back.

I am sorry to hear about your sister in law. I remember how much you loved her and how you provide good care to her.

Wonderful to read you update and very glad to know all is well with you. Congratulations on all you have achieved. I am smiling with joy.  :)

You're not back for all the wrong reasons, you're back for all the right reasons.

We love success stories, regardless of the outcome. We have long learned that success is not just a reconciled marrieage, success is the LBS doing great in whatever way the LBS decided to.

You will still find several of us old timers around. Some of us have spouses backs, others, like myself, still have spouses in MLC (yes, nearly 12 years since BD... ), who are showing some tiny signs of improvement.

We have all move on with our lives, each on its own way.

Hugs
« Last Edit: July 01, 2018, 07:17:03 PM by Anjae »
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Reinventing

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #3 on: July 01, 2018, 07:11:13 PM »
Dr. Ready. Thank you for being my mentor back when it was still so raw. So glad to hear your update, although it's sad to hear about her sister passing away.

Glad to hear you have forged a new life for yourself.  Congratulations!
« Last Edit: July 01, 2018, 07:12:16 PM by Reinventing »

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #4 on: July 01, 2018, 07:25:10 PM »
As a relative newbie, I find your story very inspirational!  Thanks for sharing. I’m sorry about your sister-in-law. I’d like to hear more about how you found love again. I’m wondering how I can ever trust again.
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Divorced as of January 2019
I don't think I'm standing, but who knows what the future brings.
Two Teenage boys
Me: 55
H 59
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline GonerinGhana

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #5 on: July 01, 2018, 07:54:47 PM »
Thanks for sharing.

The story about your SIL is sad, but interesting. I have a question for you. You said:

Quote
I really grasped at the hope that everything would be alright if her sister healed.

Did you think this because you believed your W would be impressed by your dedication to her sister, or because you believed your W would snap out of it if her sister was healed?

And when your expectations were dashed, is that why you decided to end it?

And congratulations on the PhD. It's been more than a decade since I got mine but it's a big achievement you should be proud of!

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #6 on: July 01, 2018, 08:21:31 PM »
Thank you so much for returning to share with us, Dr. Ready!   :)

You certainly have much to be proud of in regard to you own accomplishments, as well as those of your daughters. 

I hope you'll be a regular visitor and I hope you'll share much of the wisdom you've acquired since 2010! 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Online Mitzpah

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #7 on: July 02, 2018, 04:47:10 AM »
Ready!

I have missed you, you helped me so much in the beginning!

I am happy to know that you have achieved your doctorate, congratulations! Also congrats on your daughters' successes.

I am still standing. I have been divorced over three years now and he continues in a relationship with ow, albeit not living with her now. I stand out of conviction that it is what I have to do, however, it is lonely and often sad. Life goes on and my children are doing well, all still living with me. Eldest s26 (!!!) has a gf who practically lives with us and is graduating in Physical Ed. Middle s24 took a long time off before going to college, partly because I couldn't afford it - now my SIL pays his course in International Relations, he seems to be enjoying it. D23 is pursuing a degree in Biology at a private university (she works and pays for her course) after giving up Zootechnics at a very good federal university >:(

I still have numerous dogs, some of whom fight each other (used to belong to h. - affair pet). I enjoy my time out in nature, which is exuberant around here 8), watching soccer, rooting for Brazil in the World Cup! I still have another 'horse in the race', as we say with England, my native country :P - all in all, pretty busy.

I lost my younger sister to cancer two years ago and more recently, my father to a traumatic kidney failure. Many losses. I am grateful to God who continues to provide for me, I have a good job and am able to pay my bills and I work hard!

So good to see you again!

Wishing you all happiness in your life!!
M 57
H 57
S 27
S 25
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline Tyks

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #8 on: July 02, 2018, 06:08:26 AM »
Hi ready
I was not here when you were but I am happy to read your story. Question, if you wish you were still standing why are you getting married? Also, does your mlcer still play on your mind when you have this new relationship? I only wonder BC I have met a great guy that I can see a future with but the xh is always there in my brain. Not so much that I want him back but the anger and bitterness is what I think about.
Me 49
Him 49
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out
D16 D19
April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce
Divorce final February 12 2018

Offline Whyus

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #9 on: July 02, 2018, 06:31:56 AM »
Hi Ready, im a newby really (BD Jan 2017). Nice to read from you.
tyks beat me to it basically.

Hi ready
Question, if you wish you were still standing why are you getting married? This.
Also, does your mlcer still play on your mind when you have this new relationship? This.
Not so much that I want him back but the anger and bitterness is what I think about. This.

I will help other stand and continue to stand.
How can you stand if your getting married? I too have met a "keeper" but W is in my head still every day for the reasons above...

Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline readytofixmyselffirstTopic starter

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #10 on: July 02, 2018, 09:58:06 AM »
Quote

    I really grasped at the hope that everything would be alright if her sister healed.

Good question to a complex issue. When everything is bad, you want at least one good thing to come out of it. For me, her survival would have been a great counter weight to everything else. Not that things would have been great, but it would have been a bright spot in a very dark place.

No, my ex would not have snapped out of it. She was gone and no matter what, I was the villain, period. Counseling was clearly demonstrating her confusion. As the counselor stated, "I couldn't get her to move either way. Divorce you or reconcile with you. She was clearly stuck in some limbo."

Now, she was lying to the counselor about OM telling her that they were no longer in contact. Later I found out that OM divorced and that spurred my ex to divorce.

A lot of have commented on my wish to stand as opposed to my decision to remarry. Yes, I wish my marriage had survived. I wish my sister-in-law had lived. Lots of wishes, but reality sets in like a hard stone in your shoe. Eventually you have to do something about it.

The divorce was an ugly part for me. I saw a side of my ex that I not only did not like, but truly hated. Since she had never worked, I ended up with alimony and child support. I could have kept my youngest with me as we had shared custody. However, my youngest wanted to move and I knew this was an opportunity for her to get a better education and different opportunities. She graduated from high  school with her diploma and AA- something she probably would not have done in this area. She has done well and I was able to focus my energy on my oldest daughter. She needed the most support as she has vacillated between loving her mother to outright hatred. I will write more on that issue later.

As I fought to make payments, keep the house, pay for one daughter's education, I found out my ex flew to the UK to see English Bob. That was a tough blow. I can take a hit, but it really hurt my oldest daughter. Hurt me, okay. Hurt my kid and the fight is on.

I also found out later that my ex was seeing English Bob when she went up to Washington to see her sister. That was bad and stirred up real feelings of anger and hurt.

So, my wish to save the marriage died. I have to be blunt and honest. If my ex came back, she would not have come back for me, but just for her own survival. The trust and hope was gone and replaced by pure indifference. The raging and anger was gone as well. I now not only saw our time during MLC as a crisis, but the entire marriage as a lie.

I have seen my ex twice in the two years. Once down here at my daughter's graduation party. I invited her and she spent some time with both my daughters. Then the second time was when I drove up with my youngest so she would have a car for college. We ate dinner together and at the end she gave me a hug and I was truly repulsed by it. My whole body shook. I actually felt sick because she asked for the hug and I just gave it to her despite not wanting to. 

I knew then that we would never be a couple again. We were a broken mirror with far too many pieces to put together.  I hope this helps. I have come to a deep realization that I am not always right, in fact I am often wrong. Sometimes, I can be right and still be dead right. It is not an explanation that may support others on the site, it is just my experience and how I reacted. Simply put, it just explains me.

I will talk about my new relationship in my next post.

((((Hugs)))))
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline limitless

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #11 on: July 02, 2018, 11:27:52 AM »
READY!!!!!

So very good to hear from you!

Congratulations on your upcoming marriage...and also to how very well your daughters are doing!

I also divorced (5 years ago) and have just recently started dating.  My Ex is a memory.....nothing more.

Glad to see that you are moving forward with your life!

Hugs....and more hugs.

L
M -58,  ExH - 64 (56 at BD)
M - 33 years (do the last 3 years count?)
D - 28, D -24, S - 24 (only S 24 at home)
BD 5/29/2010, Ran away from home - 8/15/2010,
Found out about affair - 2/11
H asks for divorce - 8/11
H filed for divorce 10/11
Announced "new" girlfriend 12/12 (3rd OW)
Divorce final 06/13 (I decided to finish it)
Dumped OW#3 9/15 (After 4 years)
Seeing OW#1 again
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Offline in it

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #12 on: July 03, 2018, 04:37:23 AM »
Ready!
Great to hear from you. :)
Life does go on after what we went through

In it

( formerly In it for the Long Haul..that ship sailed)
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Online Treasur

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #13 on: July 03, 2018, 04:41:57 AM »
Thank you for posting, Dr Ready, and congratulations on both your academic success and your impending wedding.
It prompted me to read back through your story last night.
No-one could have tried harder or with more grace and courage to protect their family. You are a remarkable man.
It is as valuable to see all the different versions of post-LBS life and to be encouraged that if others survived this dark insane storm, we can all do so too.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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Offline xyzcf

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #14 on: July 03, 2018, 06:25:57 AM »
HELLO READYTOFIXMYSELFFIRST!

For many who do not know ready, this man saved me many times when I was in a terrible place. He spent hours responding to posters and his support was absolutely the best! I am grateful for all the help he gave me way back then.


Quote
I now not only saw our time during MLC as a crisis, but the entire marriage as a lie.

I hope ready, that your whole marriage was not a lie. I do know that I have friends who look back on their marriage and feel that it wasn't a very good marriage.....it seems that many MLCers had some "issues" that we were aware of, that when we look back, we can identify some clues that all was not right with them.... we had issues too.

But this crisis hit us and wrecked havoc in our lives and the lives of our families and caused ever lasting wounds.

Still, in my 32 year marriage, it really was a deep and loving marriage...this man is not the man I knew for 35 years....and I still love him, because something has happened to him that is very, very damaging and the changes in him are disturbing and very very sad.

I am well. Standing and will remain standing. Receiving therapy as I felt I was stuck.

Happy to hear that you got your doctorate!!!!!!

Happy that you have found joy again!
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline calamity

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #15 on: July 03, 2018, 11:25:49 AM »
Hello Dr Ready,
I just dropped in for a look today and there you were! 

Thanks for your update.  I think what your ex's story says, as we have heard again and again, it is really nothing to do with us.  Nothing.
So we just, carry on.  And enjoy life. 

Valsie always asks about you and now I have some news.  8)

Offline calamity

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #16 on: July 03, 2018, 01:19:28 PM »

Offline in it

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #17 on: July 03, 2018, 05:18:13 PM »
So tell us how did you meet this new lady of yours?
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline LisaLives

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #18 on: July 05, 2018, 07:55:31 AM »
Dr. Ready, good to see you!  And so appreciative of what you wrote--that you now believe your marriage was a lie. 

I felt that way really early on and had a hard time explaining it, but I have never wavered in it, not even to my kids, and though it was very painful for them, they now feel it and understand it, too, but it is a tough stone to swallow.  Also, one no one should ever have to... 

I fought so many battles over this philosophical belief, and it is ultimately why I was not a welcome presence to many on this forum.  I also believe it is what keeps so many from moving on.  There are all different kinds of disordered people, since we are all disordered in our own brilliant ways.  There are lots of different kinds of MLTs, we all go through at least one, but only some end up in crisis.  At the heart of standing is the belief that a severe MLC is a temporary change into "something else" for a temporary period of time, at the end of which the person will return to the same, or a better version of the one we knew.  There is little tolerance, for many LBS going through the pain and trauma, for the idea that maybe their spouse was really not what we thought.  The ability to accept that maybe WE made a mistake and should forgive ourselves for it, is very hard to accept, but is the only thing that allows some of us to move on in a positive way. 

I wish we could have a drink and have a conversation, there are so few people IRL that can have this conversation, but you have moved on, in so many positive ways!!  Congrats on your graduation, your impending wedding, launching two young adults, all of it!  I have been engaged for years, but am afraid to take the actual leap into marriage, too many things to reconcile and I love my uncomplicated life...  But am glad you are doing it, hope she deserves you, and that you have many, many years of happiness!!  Thanks for coming back to update us, love and light, Lisa
 
The best thing about banging your head against the wall for so long is that it feels so good when you finally stop...

BD 1/16/10
D Final 7/21/11
exH married OW the next week and moved across the country to be with her... 

LL CHOSE to live happily ever after...

Offline Anjae

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #19 on: July 05, 2018, 03:20:58 PM »
I have a few questions for both you Ready and Lisa. If your marriages to the MLCer were a lie, why did you stay? Why did you had children with your spouse? Were the two of you having a MLC of your own when married for years on end to your MCLer?

Were you incapable of seeing your spouse were disordered? And, if you weren't, again, why stay and have children with them? I am not able to understand that people that are not having a MLC, or are addicts, or have a personality disorder, stay within a sham marriage and even have children with the sham spouse.

It is not that you weren't welcome, Lisa. You were. You are still here. It is that you jumped on people who said that they knew they had a good marriage because, for you, everyone had to beem in a marriage that was a lie and not aware of it, just because that is what you end up concluding about your marriage. Except, that was not real for many of us. And you refused to accept that not all of us had your reality/conclusion.

You don't seem to understand what a MLC is, and that is fine. But I doubt most of HS has been in a marriage that was a lie.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline stayed

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #20 on: July 05, 2018, 08:47:20 PM »
Hello Ready, heard you had posted so decided to come in and read your post personally.  What a breath of fresh air!  Delighted to see MORE PROOF that life does go on.  That you and your children are doing well, that you lost MLCer is still lost.. not that, that is a good thing, but it does prove that when the LBS focuses on themselves, things simply work themselves out.  Fantastic.

Congratulations on your doctorate, on your daughters masters degree and her upcoming job.  Congratulations on taking BACK your life. 

Hugs Stayed
Married 41yrs.
Reconciled July 5, 2006

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Offline readytofixmyselffirstTopic starter

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #21 on: July 06, 2018, 12:33:23 PM »
Hello,

Thank you for your posts of support and questions, I want to be transparent and honest. I am not suggesting to anyone that the decision to stand or not stand is better or worse. In fact I truly believe that standing for the time I did before the divorce was important for me as a person to understand me.

"You don't seem to understand what a MLC is, and that is fine."
Just to let you know, I have been gone so long, I don't know how to quote anymore. hahaha Plus a lot of new lingo so I have had some trouble reading the threads but I think I am catching on.

You are absolutely right. If I had a complete understanding of MLC, I wouldn't be here right now. MLC is complex, deep, and very dark.  Even the stories of those that have gone through MLC and come out sound disorientated and not quite sure exactly what happened.

The reason why I posted in the first place was not to antagonize, hurt, or attack anyone on this site. I posted here several years ago and met and wrote with a lot of wonderful people who helped me, supported me, and most importantly, helped me survive.

Just like a wounded soldier that has healed- I just wanted to come back and let people know that I am okay and simply say thanks.

I am not going to post as much as I did during the early days and my only responses to other threads will be words of encouragement because despite all of this, I still truly believe that building people up is a lot harder but more beneficial than tearing them down.

As far as a lie. I am now trying to take a balcony view of what happened during my marriage. When I talk about a lie. I am talking about the lies I told myself, things that I should've, could've, would've addressed earlier and the work I needed to do on myself that would have prevented a lot of pain down the road.

In my new relationship, we both work hard to sustain it. In my prior relationship, we both were so focused on having kids that they became the relationship. So when you asked why did we have kids, because we thought that was the single purpose of our marriage.

Yes, Lisa- it would be nice to have a drink sometime!

(((((Hugs)))))

Ready




 



"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline Onward

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #22 on: July 06, 2018, 12:54:49 PM »
You are absolutely right. If I had a complete understanding of MLC, I wouldn't be here right now. MLC is complex, deep, and very dark.  Even the stories of those that have gone through MLC and come out sound disorientated and not quite sure exactly what happened.

The reason why I posted in the first place was not to antagonize, hurt, or attack anyone on this site. I posted here several years ago and met and wrote with a lot of wonderful people who helped me, supported me, and most importantly, helped me survive.

Just like a wounded soldier that has healed- I just wanted to come back and let people know that I am okay and simply say thanks.

I am not going to post as much as I did during the early days and my only responses to other threads will be words of encouragement because despite all of this, I still truly believe that building people up is a lot harder but more beneficial than tearing them down.

As far as a lie. I am now trying to take a balcony view of what happened during my marriage. When I talk about a lie. I am talking about the lies I told myself, things that I should've, could've, would've addressed earlier and the work I needed to do on myself that would have prevented a lot of pain down the road.

Love this, Ready.
I do think it is impossible to look back with the same lens that we had when we were originally in the situation.

Looking back and over gives us insight based on what we have learned since then, and not what we could have only known in the moment.

More time and experience between 'then' and 'now' continues to change the view. Hopefully to greater clarity, and hopefully for the better.

Thanks for coming back to share.
"and though she be but little, she is fierce" - Shakespeare

Offline FearNot

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #23 on: July 06, 2018, 01:54:44 PM »
Newbie here as well, but thank you for coming back to update regardless of the outcome. Although we may all start off in the same way, the paths we travel during and after can be very different.


I am not going to post as much as I did during the early days and my only responses to other threads will be words of encouragement because despite all of this, I still truly believe that building people up is a lot harder but more beneficial than tearing them down.


It is great to see someone so warmly welcomed back and hear of what a support they were to others. You obviously helped build up those around you when you were here! That's what this site is all about and I think that's just awesome! I have been truly blessed by having my HS peeps to hold me up!
M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Anjae

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #24 on: July 06, 2018, 04:41:33 PM »
Thank for explaining, Ready.

If it is me you are talking about, you didn't hurt or upset me. You know I am logical and make tough questions.

You and Lisa saying your marriages were a lie didn't made sense to me, especially because you had kids with your MLCer.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Trustandlove

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #25 on: July 07, 2018, 02:23:57 AM »
Hi, Ready,

Thanks for coming to update, it is always good to hear how things are going!  Congratulations on your doctorate, I know how hard you worked for that.

Thanks also for explaining about the "lie"; that hit me pretty hard as well when I first read it, as it sounded so much like the justifications many of our MLCers use when leaving us, telling us that it was all a lie, never a true marriage, etc.  They say it so often that they end up believing it, just making things worse.  Even when it patently WASN'T a lie.

I'm glad your're doing well.

Offline LisaLives

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #26 on: July 09, 2018, 06:46:32 AM »

Anjae, I have been down this rabbit hole with you so many times, and I don't want to sour Dr. Ready's thread.  I thought about posting this on the old-timers thread, or even in the individuation thread, since I have caught up a bit on the recent conversations, but the question was asked here, so, sorry Ready!  We disagree, end of story.  I have never had a problem with anyone who disagrees with me, except when their lens begins to hurt their growth process, which is exactly why I had to create MY theory of MLC, for my situation, despite the prevailing opinions on this forum. 

I was a psychology major, I understand Jungian theory and individuation, and other psychologists' beliefs about individuation and other theories of midlife growth, transition and crisis, including the ones that deny MLC.  I also work as an organizational development consultant, I understand how all those individual differences become amalgamated into truly F'ed up social systems.  BUT, they are ALL theories, and every single one of us is different, with different shades of abnormal psychology, trauma, and life experiences.  No one, ever, has an identical life or psychological experience, and none of is is perfectly healthy, not in body or mind, and we all have different levels of understanding of our own imperfections.  What I will not accept is that ANYONE KNOWS what anyone else is going through, knows, or experiences.  However, in order to be healthy, every single one of us has to write a story that allows us to be the best version of ourselves at every single moment in time.  Therefore, that story has to change as we grow and learn, otherwise we are simply stunted. 

Just because my 10yo self wanted to be an olympic swimmer, and my 20yo self thought that studying and staying the course in college was the best and most important thing I could do does not mean that I should apply those lenses forever, or that they are the right lenses for anyone else, at any point in time.  By the same token, just because my 30 and 40yo self thought I had a perfect life, husband and marriage, and I was convinced I should have kids and give up my career to make him happy does not mean I have to believe that for the rest of my life.  I did have kids with my MLCer, and when he fell into his pit of snakes, he tried to make me into the bad guy, to our kids and the rest of the world.  Maybe I am mean, controlling, uncompromising, and too difficult to live with, which is how he justifies his decisions.  For me to walk through life proclaiming my 30yo story, while he tells a different one, would be silly.
 
So, the best story I can tell is MINE, that based on my lived wisdom to date, and the story he tells, that I apparently never knew him, and though I tried to be my best self and thought he chose me for that self, I was apparently wrong--so he needed to move on, and so did I.  My story.  The fact that you and others want to continue to believe a different story is absolutely fine with me, and that was why I always came here, for faith.  I admire people of faith and the strength of conviction they have.  I truly do, but I am not one of them, I don't have faith in any kind of God, or religion, and absolutely not in any person, sadly, even myself, most days.  BUT, there are amazing strong people who do, and I love their example.  But, when I see a person struggling, trying to put faith in something that is, in fact, not deserving, that is when I sometimes step in and offer alternatives.  The fact that others of wavering faith take that as a threat, is not on me. 

So, yes, the story I and my kids tell is pretty much the same--their parents had no idea who they were, or what they wanted, so they got married, had kids, and got divorced when their dad found his perfect person.  So, logically, that makes our marriage a lie, based on the facts of today.  I have a feeling my 60yo self, and their 30yo selves may tell a different story, but it has yet to be written and I am not going to try to predict it.  One day, I may get to tell the MLC story that everyone here hopes for, that we did have a perfect marriage until the dreaded MLC, he fell into a crazy abyss for a time period, came out one day, we reconciled and lived happily ever after.  But, I am not willing to live my life, today, in a way that expects or thinks I can control that end result, or that I know what he is going through and that somehow how I live my life has any impact on his end result. 

I am not trying to convince anyone else that I am right, but I am holding fast to my truth and find comfort from like-minded people.  That was why I responded to Dr. Ready.  The fact that you had to challenge us speaks to your discomfort, not mine.  I wanted to come here to celebrate Ready and all his positives, not get into an intellectual argument over whether he has a right to feel and believe as he does, right now, as his life is taking a turn to a really good place.  Love and light to all, Lisa

“Speak what you think today in hard words and tomorrow speak what tomorrow thinks in hard words again, though it contradict every thing you said today.”  Ralph Waldo Emerson, Self-Reliance         
The best thing about banging your head against the wall for so long is that it feels so good when you finally stop...

BD 1/16/10
D Final 7/21/11
exH married OW the next week and moved across the country to be with her... 

LL CHOSE to live happily ever after...

Offline readytofixmyselffirstTopic starter

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #27 on: July 25, 2018, 02:12:38 PM »
Dear Lisa and the rest,

First of all, Lisa- WOW, what a post. Very deep. One thing we can both agree, we view our world, our interactions with a POV that we are right. Even if our thoughts and actions are completely irrational.

I was watching a documentary of the Aurora Theater shooting. The killer planned this for a long time. Prior to his "idea", he was very depressed. However, as long as he was planning the attack, he felt alive and not depressed. Eventually, he felt he had no choice but to go through the event as it would crush him not to.

Point it, we always like to think of ourselves as right, and working within our moral compass.  Our MLCer's feel the same way. That these choices and actions are right-deserved. Even if it means rewriting history.

I am in a different relationship now. It is not better or worse than the past, but it is different. Lisa is right, I am not the same person I was 10 years ago. That person had a different focus, different perspective. That person lived for his job. His job was what he felt sustained his family. He was the provider. He loved his wife, his 12 and 8 year old daughters. He did not notice or chose not to notice the flaws in his life and more importantly his marriage. Looking back, I can see the weak signals. They are hard to see but could have been addressed before the bomb drop. However, I also take the perspective that even if I had addressed the issues while they were small, I still may not have prevented bomb drop, just delayed it.

My fiancee and I were texting last night. She wanted to get on my ipad and needed the password. I texted back the password, but just as I sent my response, she texted, "Nevermind...I figured it out."

I texted: I am so predictable
She texted: Hahaha, Yes, you are....Strange but predictable

Yes, I am a strange man. I embrace it and it defines who I am at the moment. I think the big difference now, is I have learned and accepted that I can be wrong. That I really don't have all the answers and its okay. Ten years ago, just like our president, being right was more important and when it came to arguing, I fought to win-even if it meant crushing those around me. You can be right, and you can be dead right.

When I first started posting on the forum, I was crushed. My spirit was gone. I saw nothing but pain in my world while everyone was doing so well. In the beginning it was all about trying to figure out my MLCer, how I was going to come to understand her and wait till she came back. I was also advised to focus on me and work on me. I also began to post on other threads and quickly realized that I was not alone.

These were the first steps in fixing the broken person- not my MLCer, but me....

I met my future wife through online dating. She only had three days left on her subscription and was going to let it go. She was fed up with the players and insincere people that she had dated. She accepted my offer but accepted with a grain of salt. Four years later, we are still going. We have our ups and downs, our happy moments and our sad moments. But we are building memories and moments that hopefully will fill a lifetime. Looking back, I have enjoyed the time I have spent with her. I think I can also clearly look back at my own marriage and family with a different lens. Not negative, but one that accepts his own actions as well as the actions of others. Time changes us and all of those around us. 

The 12 year old and 8 year old are now 22 and 18. With the marriage,  I will add a 21 year old and a 20 year old. Love them all.

Just like I love you. If were not for the forum, the opportunity to write and grow. To stand with those that believe in marriage and most importantly, love. I would not be here. I came back to build. To support the newbies and to reconnect with the long timers. To make our connections and rationalize our spats that make us individuals. But most importantly, I came back to continue my own personal growth that began so many years ago.
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #28 on: August 25, 2018, 07:32:26 AM »
Welcome Home, Dr. Ready!!! I was so happy to see you on here. I am so sorry it has taken me so long to find out you came back. I don't post on a thread of my own any longer, but I do read and comment occasionally.

I am also in a 5 yr relationship with a wonderful man, who I met on an online dating site. Talk about seeing things thru a different lens! He has helped me grow back into the confident person I once was. He is everything that my xH was not.

Like a lot of people, I am sure, I stayed 30 yrs. with a man who had no respect for me because I took my marriage vows seriously. We had 4 kids together and I wanted us to stay a family. When he stepped out of the bounds of marriage, I waited 2 1/2 years before I filed. He was/is never coming back. I don't want him back. I am not the same person.

I want to thank you for all the help and guidance you gave me in my early days. It was stellar advice. Now that you have healed and grown with new understandings, your advice and support will have an even greater impact.

Congratulations on your daughters' success, your upcoming nuptials, your doctorate, but mostly congratulations for finding yourself and that life is still good.

((((HUGS))))
trying2bok

Offline 31andcounting

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #29 on: August 28, 2018, 07:19:50 AM »
Welcome back readytofix! Great to hear from you!

Congratulations on your Doctorate Degree!
(hugs)
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Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline MKnight10

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #30 on: September 01, 2018, 02:46:13 PM »
Ready - thanks for returning to update your journey.

I have been on this journey for a while. Do you have any generic advice for a LBS who finds his wife in deep MLC, exhibiting depressive, uncharacteristic behaviour?

For me, its the deep sense of loss of the person I have loved and adored for 25yrs that hurts so much.

I can see her issues; she cant. How do I move forward without her?

Offline Musica

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #31 on: September 02, 2018, 04:31:18 AM »
Congratulations Dr RTFMF !! I too remember reading you when I first arrived here lost and confused in 2010/11? 

So happy for you that you have completed your studies, and been such s great support for your daughters. Also congratulations on your new relationship I wish you every happiness in the future.

I also rarely come to the forum, but when I do, I read some great things from the people who were here all those years ago ... life really does march forward and we lbs seem to be the ones who can embrace life. My ex is still in a bad place ... seems to be that many mlcers just can’t get themselves back together ... sad really. 

All the best to you & your family Doc !! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 XxX

Offline readytofixmyselffirstTopic starter

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #32 on: October 11, 2018, 12:39:26 PM »
Wow, what a strange and terrible day. I am finishing up final plans for the wedding. Guest lists and speeches, writing my own vows, final timeline. Crazy, but a good crazy.

So, got a strange post from a friend on Facebook last night and today, they announced that her husband was killed in a car crash. Left her and two daughters behind.

We all took a moment of silence and then went about our day. Brought me back to my own reality. I thought of the people on this site that each day force themselves to move forward, get a life, deal with MLC, and keep going.

I remember my own pain and the emptiness of my heart and how the tears flowed down my face as I lay in bed trying to understand what was happening to my world.

So I am about to go to another meeting, be a busy bee in the hive, but I just wanted you to know before I continued my day, I made a special prayer for my friend and all of you.

(((((Hugs)))))
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline Anjae

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #33 on: October 11, 2018, 02:37:59 PM »
I am sorry to hear about your friend's husband, Ready.

Thank you for also include all of us in your today's special prayer.



Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #34 on: October 16, 2018, 07:19:53 PM »
l want to thank you also for the prayer. We all do keep moving forward. Slogging on seemed to be the only way to keep the fear of the unknown at bay for me.

I hope that the news of your friend's husband's death didn't bring back too much of your trauma. We manage to put things together, and there always seems to be something lurking in the offing waiting to undo our advances. Thankfully, things don't trigger me like they used too. I hope you are on steady ground also Ready.
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Offline readytofixmyselffirstTopic starter

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #35 on: January 02, 2019, 02:18:04 PM »
Happy New Year to All!

Wow, made a southern dinner for the family- black eye peas, pulled pork, greens, cornbread, and banana pudding. Great dinner and the family had a great time. I on the other hand was sick the entire day.

Now I am home trying to recover. My wife is bringing me some soup and bread to recover.

Been really busy these past few months. Great wedding and a fabulous trip to Italy. I have never been to Europe before. It was amazing. We went to Rome first. Looking at the ancient artifacts and other sights was beyond belief. We then spent a few days in Florence. Seeing the statue of David was impressive as well as the art of the Uzzi. Also spent a day seeing Pisa, San Gimignano, and Sienna. Then on to Venice to be a participant of the third worst flood in the history of Venice. I ended up carrying our luggage through knee deep water for about 100 yards. Did that for two trips and then I carried my new wife to the hotel. But afterwards, it dried up and all was fine. More site seeing and lots of walking. During our time in Italy, we averaged 14,000 steps every day!

But most of all, I enjoyed the kindness of the people. We did not have any incident or issue. Everyone was so cool and we met a lot of people from all over the world. If you ever get the chance, go to Italy. It was beyond belief!

We got back to the US and celebrated a great Thanksgiving and Christmas. Got a nice text from my oldest thanking me for her gifts and helping make her the person she is today! That was the best gift of them all.

I hope everyone finds the New Year in a better place. Focus on yourself and try each day to make yourself and the people around you a little better.

(((Hugs)))

Ready

"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline limitless

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #36 on: January 02, 2019, 02:32:23 PM »
Ready,

What a joy to read your post!

Congratulations!  I'm glad that you visited Europe! 

Have a wonderful 2019!

Hugs,

L
M -58,  ExH - 64 (56 at BD)
M - 33 years (do the last 3 years count?)
D - 28, D -24, S - 24 (only S 24 at home)
BD 5/29/2010, Ran away from home - 8/15/2010,
Found out about affair - 2/11
H asks for divorce - 8/11
H filed for divorce 10/11
Announced "new" girlfriend 12/12 (3rd OW)
Divorce final 06/13 (I decided to finish it)
Dumped OW#3 9/15 (After 4 years)
Seeing OW#1 again
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Offline Anjae

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #37 on: January 02, 2019, 03:11:57 PM »
Lovely post. Then food sounds great. Sorry you got ill. Hope you get well soon.

Southern Europeans tend to be kind, cool, warm and nice. We are used having people from all over the world visiting our countries and usually get along well with everyone.

Have a wonderful New Year, Ready.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline stayed

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #38 on: January 02, 2019, 04:35:59 PM »
Congratulations Ready! So happy for you and your wife, she got a super special guy.
Love Europe, Italy is the first place I visited as well. Will always have a special place in my heart.
Hugs Stayed
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Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #39 on: January 07, 2019, 06:49:49 AM »
Hi Ready! Glad all went well with the wedding, honeymoon and holidays. I am also delighted that your oldest is recognizing what an awesome dad you are! :) It is amazing to find our footing after so much drama. You are doing a great job.
trying2bok

Offline readytofixmyselffirstTopic starter

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #40 on: January 22, 2019, 08:49:26 AM »
Hello all,

Things continue to go forward. I went to Tampa and attended my commencement. It was nice to visit my old college where I graduated with my BA in 1987. Gosh, I am so old!!!!

My parents and wife went with me to Tampa and we had a wonderful time together. On Friday, we met up with a great friend of mine and he and his wife took us out on their boat for a ride on the bay. We went to dinner afterwards and had a great time. We went to the hooding ceremony and then celebrated with steak dinner and Baskin Robbins that night.

Then we flew home. Nice event and a great time. Now I and my new wife are working on starting a catering business together. I have filed the fictitious name, worked on business plan, and have my daughter working on the graphic design for our Logo. Looking to start at the end of April!

Much going on and a lot of love being shared in my new family.


((((Hugs))))

Ready
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline Believer

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #41 on: January 22, 2019, 09:28:53 PM »
Ready,

Congrats and so happy for you that your life is being blessed in so many ways

Hugs, Believer

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #42 on: January 25, 2019, 03:10:17 PM »
Your Tampa trip sounds lovely. Glad you had a great time.

Very exciting about the catering business. I hope it takes off. What kind of food are you planning on serving? I am also delighted that it seems like a family undertaking by having your D create the logo. Good feels all around.
trying2bok

Offline readytofixmyselffirstTopic starter

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #43 on: January 26, 2019, 08:53:42 PM »
Hello,

We are looking at a catering and food to go that specializes in Vietnamese food. Our staple dish is going to be trays of fried rice and egg rolls. My wife is an amzing cook and this has been her passion.

We are just starting and it is going to be a lot of work, but we are very excited about getting it started. Just adding a lot of details to our business and marketing plan.

I told my wife the more we plan in advance and define our business, the higher our chances of surviving the first year.

Lots of things to do and I am looking forward to a great year !

((((Hugs)))

Ready
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #44 on: January 28, 2019, 07:25:16 PM »
It's good that you are putting lots of thought and planning into your business model. Catering is a tough occupation. You are working while everyone else is playing.

I hope you become caters to the Stars. I understand that those people can EAT!
trying2bok

Offline readytofixmyselffirstTopic starter

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #45 on: January 29, 2019, 07:19:50 PM »
We just want to cater to someone. It is really exciting to start a business together. We really work well together as a team.

Right now there are so many small details we are working on so that we can start on a solid footing. I am really stressing to start small and build.

I expect our first two years to be some heavy lifting before we start to breathe easy. But after three years of dealing with MLC, I think I can handle anything!

I will keep posting our struggles and triumphs as we start this exciting but scary venture together.

(((((Ready)))))
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #46 on: January 30, 2019, 02:58:40 PM »
MLC is a great proving ground for lots of stuff. If we can survive that insanity, opening a business should be a walk in the park. ;D
trying2bok

Offline readytofixmyselffirstTopic starter

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #47 on: February 27, 2019, 05:22:36 AM »
Hello,

Just been really busy. Rode the stationary bike for 40 miles yesterday. Today is weights- lats, shoulders, back and some core work.

Work is going well. I have been working with HR and completed four investigations in over two weeks. Been getting in my observations of other schools and developing a new customer service plan to implement at all the sites in the next few weeks.

The catering business is going well. We have our fictitious business name, our business license, and web domain purchased. We are looking at several kitchens in the area that rent on the our for start-ups. The idea is to start small, build a business then lease a commercial space for our food to go/ catering.

We still need to get managers food permit, county health inspection, liability insurance, web page up and running, and refine menu and our graphics designs and logo.

We spent the weekend, figuring out pricing and the size of our to go containers. Pricing is the key. We go to low and we can't turn a profit. Too high and no one will bother to try our product. Mrs. Ready made a lot of product this weekend as she timed herself and calculated the exact measurements so we could do a cost and time analysis. Mr. Ready did the math and ate the product so hence the need to ride the bike.

So the business moves slowly forward. But slowly forward is better than backwards.

On the social front, stopped by my oldest daughter's school. She has made a lot of growth in teaching her first graders. She seemed really relaxed and in control of the group. I will read to them on Friday for Dr. Suess's birthday. I am really proud of her.

The youngest daughter is doing well, she is plugging away at her graphic design degree and she even has a job doing graphic design work. My only concern is she tends to procrastinate and lets things overwhelm her to the point she can't do anything. By the time she reaches out for help, she too far underwater for anybody to help her. But she is managing and hopefully, when she graduates, she will return to this area for her graduate program. I can then coach her a little more.

My wife and I had a fight a couple of weeks ago. Nothing big, just a one day fight. What I want to focus on is that while communication is important, good communication is vital. Bad communication can take a little issue and make it far worse than the original issue. After we made up.....I really like making up....really...
We both talked things out. Not lashing out but really listening to and validating the other person's feelings.

She agreed with me on my points and I listened to her concerns and made agreements with her. Then we made up again. Man, I really like making up.

What I see is growth from my own perspective. In the past, I wouldn't have listened as well as I did this time. I also validated her concerns to the same level as mine. In the past, my concerns and issues were more important. It was because I right fight and being right is more important. As they say, you can be right and you can be dead right!

The final point is that I tend to avoid confrontation as I fear that the confrontation may result in the end of the relationship. Yes, I tend to go from zero to 80 in that area way to fast. I let fear dictate my actions and that leads to inaction that makes the eventual confrontation far worse than it needed to be in the first place.

Now, I see confrontation can actually be good for the relationship. Not that I fight over every little thing. You still need to pick your hills to die on. But as STP wrote, "live fear free". It is a good motto for a solid relationship (Not so good on our California Freeways).

Well, off to the gym...work...and another day.

(((Ready)))

PS.....Did I mention that I really enjoy making up? Just checking!
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline Watcher

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #48 on: February 27, 2019, 07:42:35 AM »
Your legs must be screaming.  ::) That is some serious mileage Ready. I'm 15 miles tops with outdoor riding. That's all in your thighs. Enjoy the gym.  :)

Offline Anjae

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #49 on: March 02, 2019, 06:01:46 PM »
I am sorry March 2 is a sad day for you, Ready.

I remember how much you loved your SIL. You looked after her, or help looked after her, didn't you?

Hugs.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Online Treasur

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #50 on: March 02, 2019, 06:12:39 PM »
I'm sorry for your loss too. She was too young and it must have been an unbearable time for you with your then w's behaviour too. I remember that you ran a marathon in her honour I think?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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Offline readytofixmyselffirstTopic starter

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #51 on: March 02, 2019, 07:34:21 PM »
Hello Treasur and Anjae,

Yes, I loved her- a lot. I took her to all her treatments, stood in line at the pharmacy, evenings in emergency, and many a night I slept on the hospital floor with her.

I shared many of her last days with her. She fought hard and lost.

As a promise, I ran the LA marathon. I promised her the medal and it was buried with her. I did not attend, but my youngest daughter said it was moving when they put the medal in with her ashes.

I am going to bed now. Going to wake up in a few hours and ride a stationary bike for 100 miles. Ready or Not! 100 mile race. Watcher inspired!

Good night and ((((Hugs)))) and more (((((Hugs))))) and with even much more love,


Ready
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline Anjae

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #52 on: March 02, 2019, 07:43:42 PM »
You were a wonderful friend and BIL to her. She was very lucky to have you.

So beautiful that your medal from the LA marathon was burried with her.

Have a good night, Ready.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline readytofixmyselffirstTopic starter

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #53 on: March 03, 2019, 09:14:47 AM »
Well,

The Ready or Not! Century was not a complete success. After my shower and change at the 3 hr and 20 minute mark and 65 miles in, I developed heel pain and called it a day.

Fans were disappointed but heartened as it still was a record for Ready.

No sense risking injury when you can try again later.

Burnt over 3300 calories. It is very mentally draining as well. Need to have tunes the next time. Lots of heavy metal to get me over the hump.

Off to get din sum anyway.

Have a great morning,

(((((Ready))))
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Online Treasur

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #54 on: March 03, 2019, 09:17:20 AM »
Golly, I'm still VERY impressed  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Thunder

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #55 on: March 03, 2019, 09:22:10 AM »
Ready, some Disturbed should keep you moving.   :)

A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline forthetrees

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #56 on: March 03, 2019, 07:03:51 PM »
The most current issue of Bon Appetit features Vietnamese foods.

Your SIL had a very young child, yes? Have you been able to stay in touch?

Bravo on the exercise.
me 51
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BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

Offline readytofixmyselffirstTopic starter

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #57 on: March 04, 2019, 06:00:06 AM »
Hello Forthetrees, treasur, and THUNDER!

FTT, I am going to get that magazine today.

Treasur- I wish I wrote like you. I impress on occasion, but not often!

Every time AC/DC plays and the car radio, I can shout THUNDER and it has a totally different meaning.

Quote
Your SIL had a very young child, yes? Have you been able to stay in touch?

Yes, he is eight now. His father sends me pictures. He had some speech problems and reading problems but they are nipped in the bud. He plays soccer, basketball, and martial arts!

His father even recorded and sent me a message from him congratulating me on my wedding. My youngest daughter sees him as well and she keeps me apprised.

I don't know much about her oldest. He got married as well and I wish him the best.
He went through a lot and I feel for him.

Well, I am about to do a light set of weights before I get to work. I am working from home. Wife and I have a 2:30 appointment to look at another kitchen to rent. This business venture is exciting, exhausting, scary, but fun.

Have a great day!
((((Ready))))
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline readytofixmyselffirstTopic starter

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #58 on: March 11, 2019, 07:56:21 AM »
Hello,

Writing from cold Southern California. It has been over a month since the temperature reached 70 degrees. Meant to finally crack that barrier this week. Of course, I leave for Sacramento for a conference today. Brrrrr

Not as cold as what Watcher is dealing with in Minnesota. He is off running around the same parts of the country as Thunder!!

Things have been slow recently. Getting over a cold, dealing with life and trying to get this business off the ground. I am almost done with the business plan and my wife has to finish her course for the health manager's permit.

Lately, I have been reading a lot of the threads and trying to understand the dynamics of the affair.

In the past, I thought of the male MLCer's attraction to OW as more physical- looking for someone younger. The female MLCer was more attracted to the emotional connection- he understands me, reads my mind, this is my soul mate.
Yet, the more I read, the more I see a difference between the two. Yes, the male will go for either a younger woman, but they will also go for a much older woman as well. There is more about domination and being dominated than there is about physical attraction. In other words, the male or female in crisis- lacking any control and in complete fear of the reality around them- enters into a relationship in which they have complete control, or no control at all in a fantasy world created by themselves and the alienator.

It creates a much more complex relationship that is more difficult to break. In my situation, I thought my ex was the dominant in her relationship, but in actuality she was the dominated. OM controlled and pulled the strings. As funny as it seems, she deemed me controlling, but then submitted to a complete stranger online.

Now she is really dealing with reality.

As for me, I am focusing what I write into actions with my new wife and family. To examine my mindset and perceptions when I interact with my wife as opposed to doing things from a perceived reality that I am always right. It means listening more and speaking less. (Hard for this expressive extrovert to do!)

However, the results are paying off and I feel more content and joy-despite the cold.

Well, off to the gym, then to the airport.

((((Hugs))) and more ((((Hugs))))

Ready

"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #59 on: March 11, 2019, 03:04:43 PM »
Ready, concerning your observations about the OW/OM, I find that they (MLCERS) gravitate to anyone who makes themselves willing and available. I don't see any thought about the alienators' character or personality. And I agree that they devote a lot of fantasy and delusion creating some sort of La-La land that people in RL just shake their heads at.

Safe travels.
trying2bok

Offline Reinventing

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #60 on: March 13, 2019, 12:39:18 AM »
Quote
........gravitate to anyone who makes themselves willing and available.

And there are a multitude of controlling people who are waiting to step in to someone else's relationship and "win". To keep their "prize" they need to control, control, control.

Offline readytofixmyselffirstTopic starter

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #61 on: March 14, 2019, 07:34:35 AM »
Well,

Just about to leave Sacramento and head home. First, finish packing. Already rode the stationary bike for 35 minutes and burnt 530 calories. 15 miles and still need to get in another short workout when I get home. While I was at the conference, everyone was saying how nice I looked and that they could see I was working out. One gal I knew start feeling my chest, she had had a few, and said, "What's this? You've got a chest." I even blushed. It was all in fun.

After I pack and check out, I am going to get some pancakes. Found this place called Jim Denny's diner. It was started in 1934. Small place, but they make a pancake the size of an extra large pizza. They have a deal that if you can eat the pancake and eight strips of bacon in 20 minutes, they comp the meal.  I am just going to eat two minis. I am not ready for that ordeal.

I met up with a few people. Hopefully, I am going to get a new position with a different school.I have applied and have been told I am on the inside track to get it, but you never know. Keep you fingers crossed.

It would be a rather large raise and would help my pension (a Lot). But regardless, I am in a good place and I feel very content at the moment.

I guess the best words is to keep moving, live forward and understand backwards.

(((((Ready)))))
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline readytofixmyselffirstTopic starter

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #62 on: March 23, 2019, 11:12:04 AM »
Hello,

Another Saturday morning. Just finished a phone interview for a new position. I am one of eight candidates. If I get a phone call, I will be one of the final four for the last round. I will keep you posted.

March madness is't just basketball.

Wife is going with a friend to downtown Disney. I am going to take a nap and then work out. Then later we will all go out for dinner. Then home for a few drinks and Netflix.

Yesterday, after much research, I purchased a new grill. It's a camp chef woodwind pellet grill with a sear box. I used my Costco rebate to buy it. My last grill burnt up and I haven't had one for over a year. It will arrive next week. Now, I am truly back to being a man. FIRE, MEAT, SMOKE, FIRE!!!!!

Now off to La La land,

((((Ready))))
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Online Mitzpah

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #63 on: March 23, 2019, 01:23:23 PM »


Yesterday, after much research, I purchased a new grill. It's a camp chef woodwind pellet grill with a sear box. I used my Costco rebate to buy it. My last grill burnt up and I haven't had one for over a year. It will arrive next week. Now, I am truly back to being a man. FIRE, MEAT, SMOKE, FIRE!!!!!


Oh, wow!! I really miss that - I guess I am not that good a bbq-er ::) however much I love a bbq  :P

I have the grill - I just 'want' a man to man it ;D
M 57
H 57
S 27
S 25
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline gman242

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #64 on: March 23, 2019, 04:41:39 PM »
We were trying to get out to downtown Disney this week.  You must be in my part of the world!

Good luck with the interviews !

Offline readytofixmyselffirstTopic starter

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #65 on: March 31, 2019, 05:22:53 AM »
Thanks gman 242 and Mitzpah,

The new grill arrived Friday and I assembled it. As it shipped from Utah, I tracked it on FedEx. Got me thinking, what if we had a MLCer bar code to track the progress and movement of our MLCer? Right after bomb drop, you could order a little kit and a bar code. Then you just put it right on the MLCer's forehead.

"When does this come off?"
"When you're done. Now get the hell out of here."

You would know everything about them. If they showed back at your door, you could scan the forehead. "Can't come home, you're just cycling. Not done yet."

Okay, the technology isn't there----yet.

I will use the new grill today for burgers and chicken. Going to smoke them for a couple of hours before finishing with the sear. My wife's oldest daughter turns 22 tomorrow (Gosh even at 22, they are such babies- when I was 22, I was a MAN!)

I also made it to the final four for the new job. Interview is April 16, 2019. Will Ready emerge as a winner? Stay tuned!

(((((Ready))))))
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline Believer

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #66 on: March 31, 2019, 05:59:17 AM »
Ready,

I just spit my coffee out as I read your “tracking” comment. Hmmm does FedEx deal with hazardous products though?

Oh gosh after I wiped up my coffee I started to drool thinking about the chicken and burgers on your grill ! I’m thinking road trip to Ready’s!!

Thats wonderful for you to be in the final 4. Wishing you all the best as this continues!

Hugs,
Believer


Offline xyzcf

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #67 on: March 31, 2019, 06:07:27 AM »
Good luck with the job interview!

Enjoy your day of bar b quing....I am making a banana cream pie and coconut cream pie to take to Sunday dinner....I have a very dear friend who includes me every week in her family's Sunday dinners....what a blessing!

I giggled as well at the FedEx scenario although they probably would not be allowed to be "shipped" because they are too toxic.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

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Offline Thunder

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #68 on: March 31, 2019, 06:14:00 AM »
I did the same thing, then I read yours about hazardous waste and laughed harder.

Funny!

Good luck with the job, Ready.  I'm staying tuned.   ;D
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline readytofixmyselffirstTopic starter

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #69 on: March 31, 2019, 05:19:18 PM »
Update on grill and day!

Rode 37 miles in 1 hour 53 minutes on stationary bike and burnt exactly 2000 calories. Bought card for my new wife's daughter. Did not get step daughter card, she's my girl now too!

Came back and had a quick latte and post, put on a load of wash, and put 40 lbs of salt in the softener before going with my wife to Home Depot for an extension cord, and Costco for shelving in the garage.

Along the way, we got into a conversation about leggings. Some lady posted that leggings were terrible for women to wear and a distraction for boys. My wife was wearing leggings. I said they looked fine to me and were not a distraction but a great focal point!

Got home. I then had her look at me from the front and then turn around. I admired every angle. I then asked her to bend over. She said no to that. Damn, why do some people keep others from conducting research!

 I then started the grill, put up the shelving, then grilled the meat, folded the laundry, and had a great meal. Now all I have to do before tomorrow is to select my clothes for the next day. I have already packed the gym bag and my other stuff.

I can't forget anything, once I get on the road, there is no turning back, the traffic on the other side is going nowhere. I mean nowhere.

I have also had a couple of seven and sevens and she's still wearing those leggings!

I am a very happy Ready!!!!

Have a great night everyone!

(((((Ready)))))
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline megogirl

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #70 on: March 31, 2019, 05:26:38 PM »
LOL Ready......you are a very sweet human.

And given the state of affairs within this country now, it's very refreshing.

Offline readytofixmyselffirstTopic starter

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #71 on: April 01, 2019, 08:57:37 AM »
Hello,

I try my best to be a kind person and help others get ahead in this world. I appreciate your post. It means a lot to me.

I hope you continue on your journey and find the peace, content, and joy, I have in my life now.

((((Hugs))) and more (((Hugs)))

Ready

PS- I have a Mego too. That's our name for our oldest daughter!
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline readytofixmyselffirstTopic starter

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #72 on: April 07, 2019, 07:18:03 AM »
Hello,

April is going to be a busy month! I just got back from a conference in Pismo Beach on Negotiations for our District. Now I am prepared to work with our labor organizations when contracts are reopened next year.

Pismo Beach was beautiful. Our room had an amazing view of the ocean and we were on a bluff about 100 feet above the ocean. Love leaving the door open and listen to the waves crash in. Slept like a baby.

On the last day, we went to a small cafe and I had the lemon blueberry pancakes. They were amazing. Perfect hint of lemon without being overwhelming and stuffed with whole blueberries.

We got back on Friday evening and the traffic was terrible. Navigation got us home, but if you asked me the route, I could never repeat it back. We took side streets and east and west and north and south. The last 20 miles took an hour. Watcher running could have beat us!

On Saturday night, we went to an event that my wife's son was part of. It is an organization that sends children of cancer patients to camp for a week. I won one of the silent auctions and made a donation. It was nice to help out others. Got a little misty eyed when the camper spoke and watched a video of the kids enjoying themselves. I have to face it, I get emotional at times and as the years pass, I get more emotional.

Most of all, I was proud of my son. He was the emcee of the event and did a wonderful job. I am glad to see such young people working to do good for our community and putting forth so much effort with no reward other than the work was refreshing. They were so energetic! The group raise $20,000.00 last night.

Well, I've got to go workout and get on with my day.

((((hugs))) and more (((hugs)))

Ready

"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #73 on: April 07, 2019, 02:16:33 PM »
Pismo Beach? All i can think of is Bugs Bunny tunneling, missing his left turn at Albuquerque and ending up in the desert. LOL Glad you had a good time.

Loved that you supported the cancer charity. I am on the board of an equine therapy program. The testimonials from the participants and families are so emotional. Your charity raised some serious cash! It's so hard to raise needed funds.

Hope you had a good workout.
trying2bok

Offline PJ Ames

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #74 on: April 07, 2019, 10:56:47 PM »
Late for the party as usual, but following along.
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Married 1991
S: 24, D: 21 both doing great.

BD #1: June, 2016 - discovered EA with co-worker
BD #2: November 2018 - discovered online relationship with dude she met playing video games; she has never met him in person.
5-day separation (she left), November, 2018
W is trying (a little), but has no remorse. Nowhere near fully-cooked.

Offline readytofixmyselffirstTopic starter

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #75 on: April 27, 2019, 05:11:58 PM »
Hello,

I just got back from vacation. Actually I was reading the posts on another thread that has been locked so I will add my own two cents here.

But first vacation! My wife and I got up early last Saturday and went to LAX to fly out to Miami. We were to leave at 9 am and found out after I checked in that the flight was postponed till 2 pm. Well, we waited and then had an uneventful flight and arrived in Miami. Our hotel was decent and we spent Easter Sunday exploring Miami.

On Monday we boarded our cruise. We were on Royal Caribbean and it was an amazing ship. Ate and drank too much! The first day we were at sea. We then spent a day on the beach at Cococay and another day at the beach at Nassau. We then came back and spent one more day in Miami before flying home today. Oh, by the way I got a year older on Tuesday. Ready is getting old.

On Friday night, I was reading the forum trying to catch up, but I decided not to post because I was tired and I don't like to post when I am rushing or not thinking clearly. The thread that caught my eye was the OM/OW thread. Before I knew it, it was locked. So here is my story:

So, when I was first confronted with my wife's MLC and OM, I was devastated. My self-esteem was crushed. I was a nobody and OM was this perfect Englishman that was my wife's soul mate. I had both a mixture of self-loathing and jealous rage against the OM. I felt if I could make him go away, then my W would be fine. I texted him to leave my wife alone. This was prior HS. My now ex had a fit. It was terrible, I think I actually brought them closer.

Then I found HS and I slowly began the road to recovery. That OM wasn't some superman, but just a guy. I even gave him a name, "English Bob" from the movie Unforgiven and went online and made snarky comments about him all the time when I was on the forum. I wrote of plans to place a voodoo curse on him as well as flying over Great Britain and flushing the toilet hoping I would kill him with blue ice. It was venting and working on building myself back up at the expense of him. But who care, he wasn't on the forum and it allowed me to safely express the hurt and rage I felt. Allowed me to go out and work and take care of two girls basically on my own. I also learned to scream in the car. Do what works and keeps you functioning in the real world.

As time passed, OM was just a passing memory and I was able to focus on my own growth and moving forward. A lot happened to me these past nine years. I can truly say I have celebrated some of my highest highs and lowest lows during this time period. I have accomplished some great things and I have made some huge mistakes. They say wisdom comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment. I can truly say I have a lot of experience.

But what I recaptured the most from my time on the forum and in real life was control of my own life. My happiness and joy didn't become dependent on my ex wife's actions. You want to be with OM, fine. You want a divorce, fine. I began to do things for myself and my girls. I was truly detached. They no longer controlled me or my emotional responses. They were not a part of my life or world.

There is no one way to deal with MLC or OM/OW. Some OPs are younger and some are older. Some know they are involved with a married person and don't care. Some attack the LBSer and others leave the MLCer the moment they find out the liar is married. We are a mixed bag of people with different stories and different background and our spouses are different as well.

I purposefully try not to critique or admonish others on the forum for sharing their feelings or ideas. My intent is to help and support a hurt person. I am not an expert on MLC, (heck I am a complete failure at standing) I don't have articles that I have written or books that I have read. I am not the best writer nor have the sharpest wit. I just share my own experiences, try to encourage, and pray that I am helping someone who just needs to hear a kind word. After all, it is just advice and the person reading it can take it or leave it and I am none the wiser.

I don't get angry when someone post something contrary or disagrees with me. I enjoy a different perspective. I definitely don't lash out. We all deal with monsters in real life, why deal with one here? I have used humor to help. I even wrote about chucking a brick at an MLCer , not exactly advice that I would actually encourage a LBSer to do in real life. However, it made the LBSer laugh and laughter and being able to laugh is healthy. It's the start to recovery.

Now I do speak up when someone attacks others personally, or try to post statements that all men or cheaters or the courts always favor women. These posts are false, unhealthy, and fester anger and don't offer any healing for either the readers or the poster.

We also need to be very careful with our word choice. I am from the south and we hate everything. We use hate like some people use salt on their food. Freely and everywhere. Hate is our word for dislike, but to others it carries a deeper meaning and is more ominous and darker. If I have offended anyone, I am truly sorry and that was not my intent.

I am also very concerned when people make references to Nazism. I have been to the Museum of Tolerance and listened to a Holocaust survivor. I went to Venice and saw the stars making where a victim of the Holocaust once lived. The leader of the Ghetto in Venice committed suicide rather than provide the Nazis the names of all the Jewish families. There are very few that go to the depth of depravity of the Nazis and making comparisons to them is not only mean to the reader but dishonors the millions that suffered at their hands. I don't like it when our politicians call each other Nazis and I don't like it here. My feelings, pure and simple.

So, that's my rant from the ex-stander. Just know that I will continue to post, I will always try to support and encourage, and I will always respect anyone whose intent is good.

((((Hugs))) and more ((((Hugs)))

Ready

"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline xyzcf

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #76 on: April 27, 2019, 07:48:52 PM »
Hi Ready, welcome back. Aren't cruises great? So glad you enjoyed and Happy Birthday!

Thank you for writing as always with great honesty and compassion. This sentence struck me:

Quote
We all deal with monsters in real life, why deal with one here?

Many many years ago, I experienced something worse than BD, something I found out that I cannot even begin to explain how much pain I was in..I couldn't breath, I couldn't move and I was totally alone.

Somehow, I was able to reach out to Ready that night from hell..on the phone..I have no idea how long he stayed with me that night only that he did not hang up and I knew he was going to hold me for as long as it took...a stranger, hundred of miles away from me...he helped me to hang on...I will never forget his kindness.

One example of what Heros Spouse can be, a place of support and kindness from complete strangers. It is such a gift.

When I read the terrible things said to people it breaks my heart.

We are all in pain, we have been hurt so deeply...I cannot understand the need to lash out at one another and hurt someone who you don't even know.

Quote
We also need to be very careful with our word choice.

Well said!!!!!

I learned a great deal from people that had been through this before me and I learned a great deal from the people who were going through it with me...I still learn from others.

Nobody forces you to do anything you don't want to..but a lot of time, people who have more experience with mid life crisis, care enough to share some advice, advice that some feel isn't helpful to them. But you know, when you look back, you might realize that the advice given had a great deal more value than you could see at the time.

What happened that night Ready, I still bear the scars, I always will. God allowed you to be with me that night and I will never forget His grace in giving me a friend who knew what I needed, who understood totally...like no one else in my non MLC world ever would...eternally thankful Ready for that time and all the other times you reach out to others who are alone and hurting.
« Last Edit: April 27, 2019, 07:50:48 PM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline stayed

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #77 on: April 27, 2019, 08:25:35 PM »
So, did you get the job? 

Hugs Stayed
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Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #78 on: April 27, 2019, 09:55:33 PM »
Welcome back Ready!!  Just catching up with your thread.  Congratulations on your doctorate and marriage, sounds like you two are going to be very happy, you both know how to listen to each other after all that's happened in the past.

I was also wondering about the job? 
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Anjae

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #79 on: April 27, 2019, 10:46:00 PM »
Glad to know you had a good vacation with your wife.

The alienator is always a shock and a big hurt at first and in the early times. As we grow, change and our lives become different, the alienator fades more and more from our mind. At least that is my experience.

Another who would like to know if you got the job.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline readytofixmyselffirstTopic starter

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #80 on: April 28, 2019, 05:42:44 AM »
I am still waiting on the job announcement. I am hoping to hear sometime this week.

I am on pins and needles! So is Mrs. Ready!!!

((((Hugs)))

Ready

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Offline Thunder

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #81 on: April 28, 2019, 06:09:50 AM »
Fingers and toes crossed!!!   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline stayed

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #82 on: April 28, 2019, 09:24:46 AM »
Ditto!  You sound in a wonderful place, whether you get the job or not, you are ok with it.  That being said, it sounds like you would enjoy the change, the challenge, heck the success.  Life is all about that stuff, it's not essential but would be a "nice thing".  You deserve nice things.

Hugs Stayed
Married 41yrs.
Reconciled July 5, 2006

"Don't be so open minded your brains fall out".  by Stephen A. Kallis, Jr.
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Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #83 on: April 29, 2019, 06:32:16 PM »
Hi Ready, sounds like you had a great vacation. A belated happy birthday to you. Sending good vibes that you hear about the job soon and that it is yours.
trying2bok

Offline readytofixmyselffirstTopic starter

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #84 on: May 01, 2019, 11:32:11 AM »
Hello,

So to cut to the chase, I GOT THE JOB!!!!!

Now, comes the hard part to say goodbye to some people that I have worked with for the past 29 years. It has been a long time with my organization and I will leave with such wonderful memories.

So I am a mixture of excitement and apprehension. However, I know I am going to make my mark and really have a positive impact for thousands of children.

Thanks to everyone for your support. It really means a lot.

Quote
Hi Ready, sounds like you had a great vacation.

I have now gone on several vacations with my wife and they all hold positive memories. Heck, going to Costco with her is a fun adventure. I just can't say enough positive things about her and how she rocks my world!

Quote
You sound in a wonderful place, whether you get the job or not, you are ok with it.

Yes, I am in a wonderful place. It seems that it can't get any better.

Quote
Fingers and toes crossed!!!   :)

This is especially nice knowing that most Minnesotans are recovering from severe frostbite to their extremities. Ouch!

Thunder- just kidding.

(((Hugs))) and more ((((Hugs))))

Ready
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Online Treasur

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #85 on: May 01, 2019, 11:37:17 AM »
Congratulations, Dr Ready...wonderful news  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline xyzcf

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #86 on: May 01, 2019, 11:44:19 AM »
Such a blessing! Great news!!! Congratulations!!!!!!!
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline Believer

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #87 on: May 01, 2019, 12:06:32 PM »
Congratulations !! Well deserved  :)

Offline limitless

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #88 on: May 01, 2019, 04:53:05 PM »
Congratulations!!!!
M -58,  ExH - 64 (56 at BD)
M - 33 years (do the last 3 years count?)
D - 28, D -24, S - 24 (only S 24 at home)
BD 5/29/2010, Ran away from home - 8/15/2010,
Found out about affair - 2/11
H asks for divorce - 8/11
H filed for divorce 10/11
Announced "new" girlfriend 12/12 (3rd OW)
Divorce final 06/13 (I decided to finish it)
Dumped OW#3 9/15 (After 4 years)
Seeing OW#1 again
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Offline forthetrees

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #89 on: May 01, 2019, 05:40:13 PM »
Woot woot and a yee haw! Man oh man, you so deserve to ride the highs. I am SO glad that alimony is over and these funds you´ll be earning will be supporting your second act.
Congrats!
me 51
H 51
M 27
BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

Offline Anjae

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #90 on: May 01, 2019, 05:49:24 PM »
Congratulations, Ready.  :)
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline PJ Ames

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #91 on: May 01, 2019, 09:17:42 PM »
Congrats! I'm happy for you. Truly.
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Married 1991
S: 24, D: 21 both doing great.

BD #1: June, 2016 - discovered EA with co-worker
BD #2: November 2018 - discovered online relationship with dude she met playing video games; she has never met him in person.
5-day separation (she left), November, 2018
W is trying (a little), but has no remorse. Nowhere near fully-cooked.

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #92 on: May 02, 2019, 12:40:45 PM »
Congratulations and best of luck in your new position. They are lucky to have you!
trying2bok

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #93 on: May 02, 2019, 07:26:16 PM »
Congratulations!!  Would appear all the bad MLC things are behind you.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline readytofixmyselffirstTopic starter

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #94 on: May 12, 2019, 10:31:34 AM »
Hello,

It's been a while since I have updated on my on situation. But first:

"Happy Mother's Day to all the fine ladies on the forum. This is your day to celebrate with wine and chocolate or whatever rocks your world. Enjoy your children and just have an awesome day."

In fact, as soon as I finish this post, I have the assignment to go and pick up a 100 cream puffs for our family get together at the cousin's house.

This is going to be a tough assignment to have 100 cream puffs in my car all asking for a scientific sample to ensure quality control.

Hopefully 90 survive the trip intact.

I celebrated with my mom last week. I helped my dad repair the roof to his shop and gave my mom a nice plant, some lotion, and a card from myself and my wife.

They are doing fine, but the weekend was a lot of work and I was sore afterwards. Then Game of Thrones was a shocker. The problem I see is that since they left the books, the writers have written the rest more like a series. They needed our hero's to be down so they created a situation where bad things have happened. First they sent their Dothraki warriors into the middle of the fray to be slaughtered. Now they fall into another trap by Euron for the second time. For all their tactical smarts, they
sure are making dumb mistakes....I could go on, two more episodes left.

My wife is busy cooking and I just got back from the gym. 1200 calories on the bike in 90 minutes. The house smells wonderful. She still has seven sections to study and pass a huge test to qualify for her kitchen manager's permit. That is the next hurdle to getting her business started.

Other than that, I have been doing very well and focused. I bought a camera security system for the house and charging the batteries on the cameras to install them later today. Always something to work on.

So everyone, have a great day. Enjoy two NBA game sevens if you are into that, or GOT, and a relaxing day with food and family.

((((Hugs)))) and more ((((Hugs))))

Ready
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #95 on: May 13, 2019, 06:11:31 PM »
So, did the cream puffs make it to their destination, all 100 of them?
trying2bok

Offline readytofixmyselffirstTopic starter

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #96 on: May 13, 2019, 06:31:31 PM »
Hello LearningIamOK,

I guess my wife was prepared and she actually found the time to come with me. So while I enjoyed the company, I knew the 100 cream puffs were safe.

However the bakery saved the day! They gave me the 100 cream puffs and a small bag with ten more just for Ready!

I call that a win-win!

(((((Hugs))))) all around and for my cyber readers- you get a cream puff, and you get a cream puff, and you get a cream puff too! Everyone gets a cream puff!!!!

Ready

"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #97 on: May 13, 2019, 06:35:16 PM »
How nice that you got a bonus bag! While the virtual cream puffs are a treat, they are not quite as satisfying as the real thing. ;D Kudos to you wife riding shotgun over the goodies.
trying2bok

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #98 on: May 13, 2019, 11:41:35 PM »
Thanks for the Mother's Day wishes Ready, the cyber cream puffs definitely ave less calories!!
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline readytofixmyselffirstTopic starter

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #99 on: May 15, 2019, 01:27:17 PM »
Hello,

Quick update,

I was happy to receive a text message from my youngest daughter. She designed a poster for her class and was one of six finalists for an award to be presented this Thursday.

I am so proud of her and wished I could fly to Washington to attend.

Now, just to let you know that while everything is going well,I do have my moments.

The other day, I was going through my clothes basket and I tossed the plastic bags that I use to put my workout clothes on the floor next to my basket.

My new wife had the audacity to chastise me.

She said, "Why are these bags on the floor"
I replied, "I will get to them soon."
She then sternly stated, "There is no later for you. Only now. If you wait till later, you will forget and these bags will still be on the floor tomorrow."

To be honest, this is an absolute truth. So my question to the LBSer crowd,
Is it right for a LBSer to receive a truth dart?

From my perspective we were the only ones that get to toss them!

((((Ready)))))
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #100 on: May 15, 2019, 02:19:22 PM »
What goes around, comes around. Sorry Ready. ;D
trying2bok

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #101 on: May 16, 2019, 02:08:40 AM »

To be honest, this is an absolute truth. So my question to the LBSer crowd,
Is it right for a LBSer to receive a truth dart?


No, absolutely not! Leave her! You can always say that you left bc she didn't love you and her attitude for plastic bag case showed it and that you were never happy and that you need space and find out who you really are!

Glad to hear about your daughter, so important to kids to hear you are proud of them (for whatever reason). I love the look in my kids' faces when telling them I'm proud of them, it's just something that they need.



"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Online Treasur

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #102 on: May 16, 2019, 02:25:27 AM »
Ha ha....maybe your wife is just more skilled with the truth darts, Ready  :)

Actually on a more serious note...what a lovely bit of normal that is. No eggshells, no big drama, no games...just a normal loving bit of practical marital irritation. Lovely.
« Last Edit: May 16, 2019, 02:27:18 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #103 on: May 16, 2019, 02:58:56 AM »
Ha ha....maybe your wife is just more skilled with the truth darts, Ready  :)

Actually on a more serious note...what a lovely bit of normal that is. No eggshells, no big drama, no games...just a normal loving bit of practical marital irritation. Lovely.

I agree with you Treasur, but just why it's ALWAYS 'she', not 'he', who chastise?
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #104 on: May 16, 2019, 03:24:22 AM »
You are no longer in an MLC/LBS situation there buddy.... This is the concept known as Mutually Assured Destruction.... One good dart gets another.... Guess you'll need to get a thicker skin, especially when she was right.....
Me - 54
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Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #105 on: May 16, 2019, 05:49:06 AM »
You are no longer in an MLC/LBS situation there buddy.... This is the concept known as Mutually Assured Destruction.... One good dart gets another.... Guess you'll need to get a thicker skin, especially when she was right.....

Famous MAD -concept?  ;D
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline PJ Ames

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #106 on: May 16, 2019, 10:16:14 AM »
I'll take a truth dart over a lie any day.

Normal domestic life - I miss it!

Glad you're doing so well, Ready. Your W sounds great. You deserve some domestic bliss. Now go clean up after yourself already.
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Married 1991
S: 24, D: 21 both doing great.

BD #1: June, 2016 - discovered EA with co-worker
BD #2: November 2018 - discovered online relationship with dude she met playing video games; she has never met him in person.
5-day separation (she left), November, 2018
W is trying (a little), but has no remorse. Nowhere near fully-cooked.

 

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